No luck.

.
.
We ended up being too busy to make it to the VA yesterday. This morning was open, so after a few other things were managed, we went to the hospital. The patient advocate was available right away. I first asked the question I needed to know, namely, whether a doctor was expected to tell the truth when dealing with medications and with his patients. What I received was a weak, ‘yes, probably, usually, maybe’ answer. Not exactly starting out well, still, I went on. I described my situation and my suspicion, I indicated what had transpired between my doctor and myself, my nurse and myself, and what has been happening with me in the last month or so. I told him that I had let my doctor know I was having difficulties on our first visit, but was told nothing would change, neither the changes I requested nor the changes the doctor wanted. The advocate then looked my prescriptions up, indicated that nothing had changed, and kept just saying that same thing, pretty much. I told him that the dosage I was taking was higher than what was indicated, and that my nurse was also under the impression I was on more (she is the one who fills my med-sets, and I am honest with her about changes (which are on her computer, I think, anyway)). He said not only do the records say I am on less than what I believed (15 instead of 20 mg), but that I have been since before my last doctor left. There was no talking to him, he read what was on his machine and that was that. I asked if the medications, further, could be ordered at a lower dose than what was showing on his screen. He re-read the screen and says something like, ‘it does not indicate that’.

I let him know that I was quitting my medications and thanked him for his time. He wanted to discuss this more but I saw no reason to do so. He asked if I wished that he contact someone in the doctor’s office, and I indicated that there would be no need. My mother nodded to him, thinking I could not see her. I glanced at her, then back at the man, and said “NO”. I am being screwed and I do not wish to drag this thing out. The patient advocate is pretty much just a talking bobble head. The person he wanted to call is decent, but has no power. It is done. I will take these weakened meds, without the high blood pressure pills to additionally weigh them down, and just do what I can until they run out. I am on my own, again. At least I know there is something that could help. Unfortunately or not, I am not willing to self medicate. (I am sure I could not do that, and in fact, I generally do not mess with prescribed meds except to take less at times for the most part). Urhm, barring when they change my dosage without telling me or my nurse, reformulate the pills they have me on to be much less potent than they should be, and pretty much act like I am just supposed to like it. Still, they write the scripts, I will be out before too long anyway, and I will not buy illegally.

The only way I would consider coming back is if they somehow figure out I am not coming in, figure it out, and call, then 1.) put me back on the dosage I have been on (regardless of what a computer says), 2.) write a prescription that I can fill at a pharmacy myself (and be sure about), and 3.) probably assign me a new doctor, not a psychopathogen, a real doctor, and one who will follow my original regimen and work honestly within it. Yeah, I am not holding my breath either. If this year turns into pure agony while trying to take my classes without medication, I will just go retire when it is over. I will make it through this term, have no doubt. I will finish my classes to the best of my ability. I know that untreated high blood pressure is bad, but I cannot take the medication by itself. A shortened if sweeter life, if that is what is called for, is what I get. This puts everything up in the air. I certainly will not be staying in this area if this is the way it is, but I will not know for certain for a while, and that on top of the potential end to any chances at a career. Frustrated, I think, is the polite term for it. Oh well, I guess I should have expected it.

My mother left today. My house is clean! I am amazed what she can do in such a short amount of time. I hope to just keep it this way, for the most part. I will not be cooking anymore, and I hope to try and stay on top of anything else quickly. With a little space, less clutter, and a fresh start, perhaps it is possible. No, I am not holding my breath on this either. But is hope not actually for times of doubt? I hope so. Think about it. :p