I am getting some things going.

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It has been difficult. With medicine no longer being taken, I struggle greatly to do the smallest of things. I know it might seem silly, but I am crippled. With both arms and legs, a relatively healthy body, and the will to do both academic and physical activities, without help I simply cannot do these things well. It is very frustrating to have gotten help only to see it taken away. The only reason I am even able to function is that working out this summer has given me a bit of physical fitness. The last month has been very tough. This last weekend, however, I pushed a bit and did some laundry, soaked then cooked raw beans (black, if you are curious, and one of my favorite), cooked some rice, cleaned the dishes from those, and then cooked some meats for dinners through the week (plus some nice snacks during the process). I also studied my tougher class, if physics study is lagging.

More, I am hoping to get up early enough tomorrow to try and speak with my professor about seeing him a time or two a week. His office hours are a bit problematic. I am going to see if we cannot make other arrangements. I know I am bright enough to do well in this class, but I feel that either some significant portion of the class is far brighter or they are getting more information about what to study. I will have to be careful in how I approach the matter. Still, a broken bell curve is indicative of problems. In any case, I will continue to work hard, but I will not put in extraordinary effort knowing that it is not a reasonable practice given the amount of material we could be tested over is far too great to reasonably cover to be ready to test and quiz on to the level I have seen thus far. I cannot prove every theorem cross-referenced to various formulas without some clues. I have an IQ of between 120 and 148 (depending on how well I am doing). This should not be this difficult, especially since I have been putting in more than a sincere effort.

As well, I am hoping to push through with my plans of seeking a home. I am very nervous about trying to buy a house at this time. Even if I can find a bargain, it would be tough to end up with much more house loan than a houses worth in a few years. I would like to get out of here, however. It is becoming more like the hood every day. And, I would like to get in on a bargain with current low interest rates and reduced pricing. I suppose this is speculation. But the truth is, without risk there is no gain. Though I am not trying to get into a home to create wealth as a primary goal, it is a part of the thing. This project does add a good deal of work to my current load, while I am often weak and tired. But moving ahead in spite of things has, at times, proven to be the best policy in that it leads me to greater capacity. I do know, definitely, that backing off or taking time off ends up hurting me far more than it helps, other than for very short times (a weekend here or there).

As bad is things are, life is still good. I have some doubts about college, certainly if I honestly cannot do this class well. As I have said though, if it turns out that I cannot make it, I have some other plans. As weak as those are, as unsure about how those plans will really work, I am pretty sure I will find life after an attempted professional career if it all turns south. Of course, that does make purchasing a house here a dubious proposition. I guess I am walking ahead on faith alone. I have to plan as well as I can, then go forward with honest concern but with faith too. I have to hope I will do what is wise given what I know and that God has my interests in mind, even if I do not always understand that process. This is life, it is a dubious process all by itself. Add in economy, politics, religion, love, and such, and the dubious becomes impossible. As I said, that is when faith becomes useful, both faith in the world in a minor way and in God’s will in a big way.