The nap was an excellent one.

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I think I dreamed a bit. I relived some of my past relationships and important situations in them. How weird. I guess that program about men and women is strongly on my mind. I saw times when neither my woman or I could bridge a situation, but this time I understood. How could a program dig in so deeply. I suppose it is because finding a mate has always been a goal of mine even if I had poor tools and little knowledge to do so. I have made so many mistakes and failed so many times, trying to love all the wrong women and often in the wrong way. Being hyper masculine has not worked, trying to be more feminine has failed more grandly, being a step of way has not worked, and nothing seemed to work. I know I cannot please a woman, but I was almost sure there was some way to avoid that trap and yet remain close and vital. I simply could not find that link. I suppose not knowing how it is supposed to work from not having seen it work was a problem, not having come from a stable family environment.

No, I am not saying that now I know. I will only say that now I might have a clue. I can plainly see that it is a lot of work. It means I will have to endure what I had thought impossible, though with a promise that this has an end. I will have to quiet my tongue and cynicism, and just brave her emotions. And, I have to put up with having no clue. Each of those own, on their own, is a test. All of them together will definitely be frightful. And more, I think I would have to spend some time bringing her up to speed on these things, and leading in ways I should. Then, too, I have to understand that may not be enough. In a time where women leave men and request a divorce at least half of the time, I have little choice but to understand no matter what I do, she is as likely to leave anyway. That is a lot to ask for 12 to 20 years of marriage, to also merely have my children taken. It is definitely a faith thing.

I need to get some cleaning done. I tried to call my neighbors but only received a message. I am not sure whether to take steaks out or not. I may need to do something else. I think I will call my mother tomorrow morning, to make sure she is bringing something she promised to bring and to ask about her vacuum cleaner. My lady friend asked if she could visit early in the morning. She wants to make some camping goods. I have saved dryer lint for a year or so, which we will add with paraffin wax, in cardboard egg cartons. Then we cut those up. They make excellent fire starters, I guess.

Hmm, when I need time to do work, I seem to have everyone I know and some I do not asking for bits of my time. I will not complain. The complications make the tasks, all of them, more rewarding. I enjoy helping when I can, and even sometimes when I did not think I could. I know I do not really fit in this world. I cannot seem to work, I cannot handle being educated, and I am against much of what passes for civic, social, and moral norms. My religious beliefs are considered anything from a faith in the anti-Christ (as I have heard the Pope equated to) to a cult. Even “within” my, I am considered either a simpleton or an extremist, in spite of being in line with tradition, the Church Authorities’ stances, the bible, and such. And, of course, I cannot speak womaneaze. Rather than seeing this as a problem, however, I am starting to see it as a good thing. Not that I find pride in being different, just that given the way life is, by being a considered minority I have a much better chance of being on the right road. That it is a difficult road adds to the possibilities.

I just found out that my neighbors will not be sharing a meal tomorrow or going to the gun show. I spoke with the Mrs., who indicated she will have the Mr. call when he gets home. Of course, when I have the news, I am not sure what more discussion is about. Is that part of womaneeze grammar, tradition, or something? *grins* Yes, well, I wondered since I had heard nothing. Oh well, I will survive and figure out something else. I will go to the show on my own, make a dinner for my mother, and enjoy all there is to enjoy. And, after this week for sure, I know how things work. Sometimes life just gets too complicated too fast.