I keep wondering.

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I wonder about many things. Some of those things have no connection to me. Why a particular phenomenon occurs when it seems to be against logic or where the probability is so low as to be unlikely beyond thought and then it occurs. Other things I wonder about are considered merely because I am curious about how they work. I like to see how some things tick. Some things which give me pause are in regard to other people. How could they have gotten to where they are coming from where they came. How did two people meet, fall in love, and stay married despite being so very different. And personally, I think about some things. Why do I keep trying medicine for example, with the very poor track record it has.

Some of those things I can figure out or at least make a plausible guess as to why they do what they do. Often wrong to be sure, as many things just defy direct logic. Some things I can nail. Some large chunk of the reality that surrounds us is direct. Rocks fall straight down if dropped without lateral forces, water is good on a hot day, and the moon and sun show up cyclically whether we can always see them or not. And I enjoy considering many things, if most of them only get a shallow treatment. I have a simple understanding, for example, of plants and trees. Given a simple test (multiple choice of course), I might even be able to correctly identify the names of the various cells, the life cycle of plants and trees, and such. And yet I could not differentiate various oak tree cells under a slide, or even probably separate an oak from barley for all I know (unless I could clearly see bark or some other tell tale sign before looking through the scope).

My current personal question regards medicine. I keep trying and it keeps failing. Perhaps because I was given no choice with regards to medicine, perhaps because my blood pressure is higher than even the old high, or maybe I think this is such a different place that it might act differently or my own changes in behavior will mitigate the problems. Add all three and there is definitely some impetus to take them. The thing is, I had meant not to be talked into it again. So, my wondering goes to whether I am simply weak minded or weak willed or something. I have had high blood pressure for a decade or so now, and diabetes for half that. I probably should have had a stroke or heart attack long ago. It is not that I want that, it is merely that the medicines have been worse than death in that they have limited my already limited life. I simply do not understand why I keep trying.

Although, I really will refuse any diabetes medicine. It does not work until they get to a level where it drops my sugar to 60. At 600, I can handle it. Things become a bit difficult, such as thinking, concentration, and getting started on things, but not impossible. At a blood sugar of 60, I am terribly confused, extremely exhausted, often on the verge of passing out, and I feel terrible for a week or two around that. And it can drop very quickly, where it only rises just so fast. Usually my diet handles diabetes, but with the fast food and such to try and avoid having to eat microwave dinners all the time and also not have to cook, I think I am stuck with a bit high on that until I decide to buy into a house and begin cooking righteous food again. Ackh!

I was also wondering why everything I do ends up requiring a dozen other actions, it seems. Nothing quite gets done, no matter how much I do, and sometimes one thing really does lead to four more things as follow-up (or more). Even when that does not occur, new things pop up into my life at a, sometimes, dizzying speed. I thought I was retired! At least now I am shooting them down like a professional shooter hitting clays. One escapes from time to time, but that is becoming quite rare. Sometimes I need to juggle things a bit longer than had been planned or hoped, but I do get to them. I am amazed at both how much of life I had been missing, how much I really am beginning to be able to handle, and how much I simply did not see, react to, or complete before (and mostly without consequence).

I am still quite slow and my life would seem simple to most of you. But compare it to staying in my cave for weeks, even months, at a time only leaving to go to the store once a week or every other week. If bills were not on automatic pay they simply did not get paid. If there was something interesting happening in the city I would not go, though oddly I often knew. I could not mow or deal with snow (I was able to do a LOT of shoveling and snow blowing on the Ritalin though). I am now leaving the place one to three times a day. I stand for hours at a time. I drive, do very minor hikes, go fishing and shooting, take care of business like I knew what I was doing, handle my finances fairly well, and such. Perhaps there is hope for medicine at this point.

Though, as we all know, I am terrible about taking medicine. Or was. This really is a new world. This is an almost magic place for me. A lot of things to wonder about.

I have been commenting less at other blog places. I read less, though in a good way. I used to visit most of my favorite blogs several times a day, or many times really. I now only stop in 3 to 4 times a day or less, look for new posts or comments, then slip away. Summer time is often the low point in blogging, or one of them, for most. That and deep winter seem to be slow. The heat or cold, or that both are traditional vacation times, seems to be that ticket. I am hoping people turn out more soon. Although too, I am so tired of hearing about the deranged dear leader and his cast of clowns that I have little interest in hearing more. Neither will hearing more help to change anything nor will it make me better in any way. I give, we know he and his are losers, fools, despots, ignorant, malevolent, and worthless. Yeah, I got that, before they took office.

Though, I suppose someone must light the church steeple lanterns and be pointing out that the enemy has arrived. They need to keep track and disseminate what is really going on. And they need to keep the free speach channel open. We are at serious risk of simply being swallowed by the evil of it. When the canaries start dying, we will know what our choices are. Most will bend a knee, should that start to happen, one way or another. No matter who might win that thing, it will be messy. And, whichever side wins, it will be a minority and they will be a hard minority.

I woke a bit ago and could not fall directly back to sleep. I may be able to sleep again shortly. One thing I have thought though, is if the medicine does make me sleepy, I may take it in the evening. Perhaps that would see me sleeping through the nights. If the effect is less than before due to being here, and I take it in the evening, it might fix two things at once. Whatever, I still do not know why I agreed to take it at all. Ha!

Good night.