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Christmas was always a day wrapped by a month of many things in my youth. There was religion. At various points Christmas was rather devoted to the Christian ethic. Other years Christmas was more a devotion to family. Of course, in the younger years, a child can think of little more than gifts. That latter is not a thing to be begrudged, either. Babies do not begin life eating ribeye steaks, either, innit. Between the various notions, some twisted idea regarding what Christmas was about began to form. Something along the lines of Jesus riding Rudolph to bring gifts and save the world, unless He saw His shadow? Well, work with me. And it has to be admitted that the story does become somewhat convoluted, even in the homes of Christians.
The season, and day, have been set aside as a time away from work, a time to be with family and friends, a time for gift giving and receiving, free time from the normal constraints of life, and in there somewhere has been the notion that some of that time could be given to the Church and shared in other ways with those of faith or in need of charity. While it might seem that too little time is asked to be donated to Christ for Christians, I won't say that. I am not sure but that many of the other events are quite Christian. We are small as people, good things start at home, the honest demands of the world do not always allow us to encapsulate the bases of goodness at home, and so when the time exists, it is quite wise to put such time to good use. Deeds and sharing do lay supplies in heaven for our benefit there, too. Further, we understand that too much together time is also not completely as productive as we might fantasize, when we happen to get it. These times allow us access and balance, to recalculate our time sharing in the future, and indulge a bit in any case. A chance to learn for the next period until we once again find ourselves in the situation, to once again re-evaluate.
While a Christian myself, for most of my life I have tried to walk closer to God and at times I have strayed further. I have even, for my part, left the notion of trying to walk with Him if never have I chosen to purely cross against Him either. Oh, I don't and never have walked with God, to be sure, as I understand now. God is not on my silly side, I merely try to be on His side, or not at times. Only, I have, in truth, only acknowledged that He walks with me, even when I have gone astray, if that is all for another discussion. In this walk, though, I have been and continue to be confused, in fact or fallacy. One of those facts regards Christmas.
For much of my early and younger adult life, I assumed that Christmas had to include parties, friends, and family. It must include joy, and nothing but good things like joy. It had to be about other people, as they pertain to me. There needed to be grand feasts, presents, and pageantry. If those things were not present then it couldn't possibly be a Merry Christmas. The times when those things did not exist, or in large enough amounts for my sake, I felt quite cold. But then I started noticing something even when such things were there. In a crowded room filled with people I liked and loved, I was realizing that I was quite alone. Christmas, and Easter, and some of the other holidays were becoming natural emotional disasters. I won't even tell you I fixed this, only that it came to be quite nicely repaired in the last... five to seven to ten years.
As it turns out, returning to God, with boots on, belt cinched, and an openness to learn and do His will, on my part, created changes. None of the changes were fast. None of them are absolutely certain, even now, just more probable to occur or 'be'. Very few, if any, of the changes were even conscious objectives I brought to God in prayer. My prayers are rather simple. Thanks for food, of course. Gratuity for just being, living, and loving, but also for the pains and strife and such by which I may grow. The best of fertilizers are often some of the most awful smelling, innit? But the main thing I try to impress upon, and deliver to God, is... here I am, use me as you would. If the Lord sees a wall before His will in me, and I cannot see it for the sty in my eye, then tear it down and give me a poke in the eye for good measure! Hehe Show me what is displeasing, I will do it. And, to my abilities, I do.
As it turns out, the wreckage of my sinfulness was not all there was. As wrong forms and places in me were being destroyed, other forms have sprung up. While I, at times, merely saw destruction of the old, God was quite busily building up on solid grounds the home and tool shed and garage and workshop and all the rest that I would need. Sometimes I truly felt alone in this work, but nope. He was doing tenfold the work I was doing, and often with my hands he would add to it, while I couldn't see and wouldn't believe, but let Him use me to these ends anyway in faith. Clenching my eyes closed at times because I wouldn't believe, only to be greatly surprised when peaking through slats in my fingers, like a child... well... on Christmas morning.
So, now, and for some years past and most likely hence, Christmas can be spent alone (if I do truly enjoy company as well) with nary a tear or thought of loneliness. I do, I must admit, pray to find a woman and begin raising Him a family. But until or unless that happens, I am quite pleased to celebrate the birthday of my Elder, Senior, Brother in Love and Arms very much happily, securely, and if by needs alone. Grateful to have one so bold as to be born to temptation He could and did deny, to pick up my cross, to lay down His life, all the while showing and telling me what and wherefore with not even a single hitch in following our Father's will. Further, He did it without self-glorification, really. So much to learn...
So it is, another Merry Christmas, with the hopes of a Happy New Year to follow, here more than many places. I hope you have some kindred notions and a fond Christmas yourself.
Merry Christmas Doom!
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