Shamelessly stolen, and I do mean shamelessly.

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I've probably caused enough psychic carnage for... well, okay, I haven't.  Still, I will give you a moment to catch your breath.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to fool around?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
And then the fight started...
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to over 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
And then the fight started...

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 I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spendada money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary??"
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."
Scott Armstead
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station... and then the fight started...
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 An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend."
The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggests, "The poppy?"
"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Dennis Toews
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A couple was preparing to head out to their fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration.
"You get your purse and coat, I'll pull the car out front and lock up the garage," says hubby, considerately.
When his bride comes out onto the front porch, she sees him leaning against the front fender of the car staring wistfully at the front of the house. She walks over to him.
"What are you looking at?" she asks.
"Oh, I was just looking at those bushes over there... Remembering."
"Remembering what?" she asks.
"Well, you remember the time your dad caught us in the bushes? He pulled me outta there by the scruff of the neck, threw me against the wall and said, 'Either you're gonna do the right thing and marry my daughter or you'll spend the next fifty years in jail!'" he answers.
"Yeah, I remember. What about it?"
"Well," he replies, "I was just thinkin', I'd be gettin' out about now."
M. B. Ingersoll
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Okay, so I... edited a bit.  h/t Sig94