Dark days done.

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There was a time when darkness was what I knew.  It is what I shared for it was all I had.  Murder was on the minds of many of those around me.  A child of darkness, have no doubt.  And yet, even in those days, I had yet to choose.  My darkness was from my nature, not choice.  It was all I had to share, it was all I knew.


I birthed monsters through sheer will.  They, however, sought me.  For penance or power, what they sought depended on them.  The price was high, the choice was always theirs.  None received what they wished, for in the dark nothing may be found.  I warned them, even then, of their and my own folly.  Some do not heed even those who they know do know.  Never again will I play that pipe and lead them to their dark wants, or the emptiness of it anyway.  In the case shown, the problem is, she wanted to love, but not rightly.  Outside of marriage, she is a slut and can be nothing to even a lover.  If she rejects right love, she gets what she gets.  I think they know, they just either don't want to care or refuse to see the simple truth.

Whether God made it so, or simply the wages of sin, I was brought low.  Some hubris remains.  If it has been contorted.  God called, laid claim, fought for dominance, and won.  I had, in some ways, been in a grey land since.  I carried the weight of my darkness... that which was my own, that which I shared out in foolishness, need, want.  Whether I truly lived in purgatory, or life merely resembled it, mattered little.  What I knew is, even should I go off course, when I realized it, to come back to the right course is all that matters for it is all I can do.  And, so it is my greatest prize to lose myself, but with God's help to never truly be lost.  I believe, finally, I am through with the purgatory state of being.  Now, as humble as it may seem, the pride I have in the life I live with God as my Lord is greater than any other form of life I have known.  From a prince in the making to a pauper, some who know rightly suggest.  And I say to them, better to have a store in heaven than all the earth.  And man surely cannot live upon bread alone.  So be it.

If I seem harsh about some things, understand, it is because I fear for those who go that way.  And I strongly reject those temptations that could more easily lead me astray.  Some ways are only dead ends, forever, spiritually, truly.  I have taken as many of those paths as I once chose.  As I said, I was seeking heaven without God.  It isn't that the path doesn't exist, I suspect.  It is merely that we are incapable of traveling it.  In time, should we fully vest ourselves as children of God, and grow up through the veil and more, we will know this path.  But not here, and not in any way we can fathom, currently, either.  That which, to my eyes, leads to spiritual death I will reject, and soundly.  It really is better to die of flesh than of spirit, if to many it doesn't seem that way.  Many, even in church, think it's all just silliness with a snack in the middle.  I'll warn you.  If you persist, I will be away.

Pain?  Certainly.  Even through it, and even in it now, I have offered it to those in purgatory, here or there.  It is a gift, one I can offer.  One of the few things I can offer.  I tell you, this gift is not to tide me over in heaven.  It isn't for my use.  It is merely what I can offer, as I see it.  I release it.  I don't have to enjoy it.  Much of life, after sin was born, is not pleasant.  But seeing past that which is unkind, and seeing to Truth, Blessing, Love, this is a large part of our training.  Mine, anyway, as I see it.

Well, I'm up.  Not fully comfortable with it.  Some sort of fever remains, as does nausea if more mildly.  The pain is yet there, if the painpills might have had some effect this time.  I'll... roust about, attempt to do a few things if or when I can, or just remain conscious to some reasonable point, then rest again.  Medicine will continue.  Harsh, true.  As are the wages of sin.  And, yet, beautiful.  I am grateful for... the gifts.  I only pray that I learn the lessons rightly.  Good evening.