Hungry.

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That might not be strange to most of you.  At one time it was a normal thing for me as well.  For the last six months, though sometimes before that when I was more ill, hunger was a more normal event, phenomena, experience?  Something.  Though it has not been a normal part of my everyday life, pretty much ever.  Can't tell by looking?  Ha, maybe.  The sensation has become even less prevalent as I experimented with keto (high fat, low carbs - generic).

When I woke today, hunger was a part of what rousted me.  It isn't just a little hunger, it's a large demand.  It is the type of hunger that makes one feel as if their stomach will eat them whole if it isn't fed.  Actually, I am getting a stomach fluid build up which will become a problem shortly.  All good, I'll tend it with something or other.  Still, it is unusual.

I have a visitor stopping by this afternoon.  My sleep has been somewhat irregular lately.  Highly off, actually.  Five to ten hours off standard is, has become, almost the norm.  The cold, rain, and such.  Now the sun seems to be popping out from time to time.  Eating is a bit off.  Medicine has been a bit off.  One feeds the next, this day even more literally.  Still, I think I'll be able to be awake for the visit.

A bit of a dream this morning.  Not so much a near consideration, just some thoughts on something.  In the dream my mother died.  I had to decide some things.  Whether to go, and if I went, whether to attend the funeral.  I decided immediately that I would return home.  As to attending the funeral, that... was a whole other subject.  In the dream I kept my notions to myself.  No reason to cause a fuss for others that would distract from their grieving.  Well, and only bring outside, and more, hassle down on my head as I was thinking.

In the end I decided not to attend the funeral.  It has been a long time since I have felt such pain.  I didn't know how I might react.  I didn't know most who would be there, either.  I know my mother would prefer me to attend.  I know that.  I also know that she hasn't always gotten what she wanted from me.  Why change a good pattern?  We have always had to work things out in our own ways, and on our own.  Sometimes, as with social interactions, she allowed.  Other things she spared no expense of various natures attempting to change my ways.  Success, in either case, was never guaranteed.  No, at least in the dream, I went to the viewing, alone.  Then I went to her grave several times before heading home, but alone.  Still stings.  Some dreams, and eventualities, simply have to hurt.

Yeah, but first, something to eat, a bit of tea, time to wake, a shower...  All good.  It was probably morning when I started this, if I had several starts and stops.  Just... jumpy this spring, in more ways than one.  Good day in any case.