A terrible few days.

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I tried Saturday and Sunday to gather trash, in order to get it out and then to the curb. I could not.  Sampson after his haircut.  I have some time yet today.  I... can't.  The weight I feel on me, crushing me.  I am only awake because, for the first day in weeks, the sun is out full force.

I am either too hot or too cold, always, lately.  I had windows open and a fan going last night, after suffering frequent overheating while sleeping.  The heat from the sun that poured in this morning was horrendous, and the light.  Fine, I surrendered.  No matter how bad I felt, I couldn't sneak past that and back to sleep.  If I absolutely have to sleep in the day, it looks like the closet, with ac.

While waking, I remembered embarrassing bad deeds.  It was not intended, this aspect of it.  Not all we do is meant to be noticed, even if thought alone, that isn't always the case.  Too long ago to do a curative.  And, actually, awareness came too late to have apologized.  At least I know shame, even nearly forty years later.  Technically not a sin?  I am claiming it, if not enumerated as such.

Actually, though, while a terrible feeling, a gift.  I spent the rotten hour waking praying, and weeping before God.  In gratitude... that I may know shame, that I didn't continue along that path, that none were hurt worse... that I may yet seek forgiveness if only vicariously through God.  There is something about shame that makes physical pain easier to bear.  It doesn't remove it.  I am still stricken.  I suppose it acts as penance?  It's definitely in that ballpark.  Not enough to get the trash out, but...

Funny that.  After trying to believe I was a good guy, to coming full circle to being grateful to face pieces of my dark truths.  Who'd a thunk it.

Oh, well, good morning.