Ever thought you might be near death?

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And really didn't mind the idea?  Too exhausted, pushing every limit... financial, social, physical, medical, and else.  No, I don't actively wish to die.  I simply wouldn't mind if today was my last day, hour, moment.  That isn't, however, how it works.

Although, being on point too pontently, for too long, as fragile as I am?  Yeah.  It could just happen.  My job is to tend my life, as any life.  As a duty, but even beyond, as a joy even in the suffering.  God did buy me the time to... accept the gift of life humbly, for as long as He wills it.  Even the pain, misery, and other negatives have become gifts of their own.

BP has been excellent, running in the 120s/80s.  Needing, and taking medicine.  But so much less than before.  Blood sugar got crazy there for a week, the week or two of moms return.  Climbing to the 130s and even as high as 144!  I started being much more carefull and got it back down to 99 last night and this morninng.

Bah!  158 currently.  Though maybe cortisol (stress hormone) is very high.  Couldn't sleep last night.  A few deals being ventured.  Perhaps too many deals.  Too many things on my plate.  It's killing me.  Perhaps literally.  Trying to get a few things arranged.  Ending up buried in sweat, fear, hope, doubt, and dread.

Trying to nap.  Not able to, not well.  And things stack, here to there.  Maybe after penning this?  Still, I do feel like I am dying.  And alone.  Oh, there is mom.  But she doesn't, can't, see into this darkness, pressure.  She is, lightly, adding to it.  Just wants and needs.  She has to learn patience?  Or... more parience.

She IS trying, bless her heart.  And I get it.  When I say I'll do something, and don't, even if it is because I can't?  I get it.  Today I really fell down on a few things.  But I did do some things.  Didn't sleep much last night.  Couldn't sort today well.

On a truly different topic, I have been dreaming of women a bit lately.  I love light flirting while out.  And, Lord knows, there are beautiful women out there.  Sometimes I wish God had turned me to stone.  So I didn't have desires.  My health really should preclude even the idea.  It doesn't.

Mostly quelled, not completely.  Too old and ill for practical involvements, but not for the dreaming of such?  Or, something like that.  Only in my dreams.  Why did God make them, some of them, so beautiful?  Almost cruel.  Though, even among those who catch my eye, only a small fraction would work out.  Just from my side.

On to sleep, if possible.  The long or short one.  Maybe the forever one.  Later, good night, or good bye.