Internet access is still not secure.

More news regarding the flood. Remember when I mentioned that the earlier estimates of the crest being both much higher and much later had mysteriously been changed? I am correct, and I have found the probable source for the change. You see, while the flood waters in Cedar Rapids is receding, and quickly, after they crested, the flood waters here in Iowa City and Coralville are not subsiding, and will not subside for up to a week. I had to ask myself how that was at all possible. Yes, the two rivers are separate rivers, but the only difference in the make-up of the two systems is a dam on the Iowa River (the one that goes through Iowa City and Coralville, the one that is maintaining the crest level for a week or more). I must assume that the dam and system of reservoirs consisting of several lakes, various cutbacks, and other systems, found a way to pack a BUNCH more water somewhere. They had to have flooded nearly a new lake, though they can probably account for some not to insignificant water via their transfer system, if they do it correctly. Why they will not discuss it is anybodies guess. I would have to guess that they used lots of privately owned land, and in a disputed manner. In this case, I am for that use. But in these litigious times, it is probably best to keep all the details behind closed doors. There is no guarantee that is the way of it, just a strong suggestion. And no, I am not going to poke around more.

As I said, my internet access remains hit and miss. My neighbor does not get internet access at all! Our ISP is the same company, we live 30 to 40 feet away, and we are nowhere near the flooding. I wish I had wireless set up, I would gladly share. He has the equipment, but I just do not have time to try and set it up! I do feel bad. He needs to download documents, articles, and such in his research. He is working toward a Ph. d. in English. I love his work, though I could never do it. I have seen his personal work, at least once, and I must admit to being impressed. I had thought English had gone to the dogs, to socialists, feminists, and communists. I think, for the most part, it has. I suppose even the dogs have to try to get someone in who has some actual talent in order to lay some claim to the existence of their department. Perhaps outside pressure, from, you know, people who know but who are no longer deadened to the nihilism of modern academe. Perhaps past graduates from the heydays of academic prowess who see and demand better and more from the current dead society which took over from the golden years.

Yeah, I just woke from a nap, if you must know. *laughs* No, I am not grumpy. Shut up and leave me alone, or you get it next, my fair target plumb. And, I am hungry! I thought to order pizza, I have been dreaming about it I think. But then I realized… the only places which deliver or even offer carry-out, from which I would even consider ordering pizza, are under-water! Arghhhhh! I do not wish to cook. I am not interested in going out, really. But, I think I will head out and get something. Just to not add dishes to the pile that is there. A pile which must be ‘cured’ before I leave. There is a place that makes a burrito which I cannot put one of my massive paws completely around. Though shorter than my manhood, it is pretty long too. *blush* Cheese, black or pinto beans, rice, beef, chicken, or pork, and all the fillings one might expect as options (black olives, jalapeños, tomato onion and something mixed, hot sauce, etc), plus the tortillas are fresh pressed while you watch, all combined into a very good burrito.

Oh, right! I found my way across the river today. My favored store for meats on this side of the river is underwater, but there is a back-up across the river. A not too harried drive found me in that store. And, my favored steaks were on sale! Ribeyes, boys and girls, a whole cut of them. I was so excited, I ordered a roast of steaks before I remembered I was not even sure if I could find dry ice. Doh! It all worked out. I drove a little farther, to Hy-Vee. I sort of lucked out with the Hy-Vee, however. They were the last turn off I could get to before that particular road (Highway 6) went underwater. And, they had not only the dry ice, but also a pale to shi… uhm, put the steaks and ice in that is. I hope to share a few of these around. But there are not as many as I thought their might be, even with me only getting inch and a quarter cuts. If I was not so close financially, with the uncertainty factor and the price of gas, I would get another cut. Hmmm, let me count then think. Well, I do have some extra t-bones I could bring too, I dunno. I might have to take some other meats, and experiment with various cooking methods while on the road.

My workout went well. It was very tight. I can tell I have been negligent. Still, I got it done and hope I can work out Wednesday as well. It does feel good to get it done. No one else will notice, but… the weight belt is going on a lot easier. Yes, I still have a nearly award winning beer belly, but the thing is only big in total mass. For my size, it is becoming a bit anemic looking. To think, in my prime, I though a pinch was fat. That was all I had, and only if I had had recent access to steaks and cases of beer it seems. At 240 pounds, I could only just squeeze a layer of skin between my finger and thumb at my worst. I never worked out a true six pack, I was not into the pretty boy look of it. I wonder if I can even get back to that? Benching 500, a 31 inch waist, no love handles, 240-250… I do not know about that. Perhaps that is only for boys? Well, at least I know I am meaner, hehe, mostly because running is not really a possible tactical solution for low level threats, so vicious when cornered has to do. Bah, I even avoid that necessity these days. Just an old dog, with ticks, fleas, and dreams. Grrrhhhh, hrumph.

Good, good, and good.

It was a bit of an imposition to prepare to be gone, essentially, three days early. But I am ready. As I have mentioned, however, I will not need to leave early. The good thing about this is three fold, however. First, now I can really refine my gear, the packing, and my lists. Second, I can spend some real time packing the Xterra so that I can more easily use the Xterra as a sleeping compartment more easily, if need be, and so that my gear is placed in the vehicle in an orderly fashion. And, lastly, I no longer need to rush. I should be able to do all of this in a rather leisurely fashion, resting as needed and recommended, and taking care of my apartment as I am doing so in order that I have a kempt apartment awaiting my return.

I checked with Fedex last night, actually. I just could not wait and they did have a phone number. The woman I eventually spoke with indicated she did not know when the package would be delivered, but that it had not been destroyed or lost. I am not sure if we were on the same page, so I indicated that the facility where the package last tracked was in Cedar Rapids, which is in a flooded state. She just would not or could not confirm or deny anything other than that her information concluded that the package was merely delayed. Fine, no real information. Nothing more than I had before waiting a half hour to speak to someone. I checked, online, this morning. The package is loaded and being delivered, or so it says. If they are taking the official detour, delivery will be four hours late. If they are taking the practical detour known to locals, I might have it as early as now, or earlier (though I have strong doubts about earlier except as a theoretical possibility no longer in my current realm of realistic probabilities, give or take, besides, if somehow, through inexplicable causation, I receive the package earlier, I will not be writing this). *laughs* Yeah, I think that way.

I am going to have to wrap a few things up locally. I am checking with my neighbor. His wife and daughter are set to go to a mother and daughter function for several days today, I think. Since we had not been able to get together earlier, and since I am leaving Wednesday, and with his new grill, he asked me to contact him today and see about a barbeque. Well, grilling anyway, I never add sauce to t-bones. He and his family will be leaving for a vacation before I return, I believe. Which means I will not be seeing them for well over a month, maybe closer to two months. It’s a bummer, but I think I will try and get out more when I get back (water permitting). Perhaps I will be able to be his fishing guide, for once. It would be great to be able to pay him back for his help in outdoor access, advice, and such.

I also need to speak with several men from my church. One of the men volunteered with me, and I think I will stop by his home this afternoon or tomorrow afternoon, depending on when the cookout is. As well, I need to speak with another gentleman about our bible study. It has been postponed until next Wednesday. However, I will not be here, so I would like to check in with him, let him know what I am doing and roughly when I will be back, and get that straightened out. This is a good lot of gents and I want to both keep on good footing with them, and create then maintain personal bonds with them. I know, many may differ greatly politically, but I have decided the church is stronger than politics, and I am no longer represented by any politician or party to any great extent at this time in any case. I should also let the church know I will be leaving. I did not get to church yesterday. I know that with only one way (I-80, and that part under construction) for me (and everyone else in Coralville) to cross to Iowa City, the trip would take an exorbitant amount of time and the chance of just not making it while also blocking up traffic seemed to put the event out.

I am also trying to figure a way to bring a load of steaks with me. I have promised my friend in Nevada a few, I would like to offer a few to my first host and hostess, and there are others and places along the way where a steak would be good to share. These will be Iowa, corn fed, top of the line steaks. I am not sure if they will be ribeye or t-bone, but they should be pretty good. That is, if I can find the right sized cooler, dry ice, and figure out how to put them together. No promises, only a plan.

I may drive over to Iowa City, just to check things out one more time, before I go. I hear that the water level is going down. I am not sure if the sandbagging did end up helping, at least so far if it did. I am not sure what traffic is like currently, but the last time I attempted to cross I-80, during a relatively slow time of the night, it took about an hour to get what would usually have been a 10-15 minute drive during a busy time. Being that it is day, that what classes are offered are probably back in session, that businesses are beginning to operate and more surely, with at least one of the interchanges closed, and with the road work on I-80, I am guessing it will be a bit of a trip. Well, maybe I will not go. Hmm, I could see how well the traffic is moving before committing.

The crest is nigh?

So they say. The news today indicates that the Iowa River has crested, or is within an inch or two. In spite of two weeks of being told the crest would not be here until Monday midnight at the earliest or Thursday at the latest, with all bets off if we received more rain. We received more rain three times, each having areas with 3-5 inches, and the area which received rain was fairly large, if the rain went through in only a few hours, it still seems very odd to me. Something does not add up. I will not dig, I do not care. I suppose I should just accept the good news and hope that it allows my trip to go off as hoped, with a little less stress, on time, rested, and without the fear of maybe coming home to a flooded apartment.

My cell phone was interesting, but it is not as powerful as I had hoped. It functions, but in a fairly limited manner. I can, as I have said, only guarantee that I can receive email and perhaps view blogs, news, and such. My ability to function within my blog, leave comments on other blogs, or do business online, is all rather dubious. Success has been very limited, with only one application being successful out of 3 or 4 things I attempted. Again, it may have been because everyone who lost access as I did was attempting to do the same thing I was and the demand was higher than the system is truly able to maintain. I am also not sure if the use of email or internet, while I travel, will cost more (or even if it is accessible at all, save maybe for certain in larger cities).

I plan on finishing all but the very last check of my packing today. Everything I had hoped to wash, save for a few last things (which I am currently wearing and which will not be going with). My house is a bit of a mess, but as things become packed to go or packed or stored otherwise, this will clear up. And, as things go into the Xterra, or on hangers and in drawers, life should become more comfortable. I am trying to use as few dishes as possible, snacking, reusing pans, paper plates, and fresh fruit seem to be the way. I await one final delivery. However, that package, at last update, was in Cedar Rapids. I will find out Monday, hopefully, whether the package is delayed and might make it by Wednesday or whether the package has been destroyed or lost in the flood. I do not know where the UPS package system exists in Cedar Rapids so I cannot be sure if it has been flooded.

In my rush to expedite my preparedness to leave, I have been missing my medicines. Yes, I know, but pushing my awake time and being completely out of my schedule have combined to throw me off that track. I am on them, again, as of this morning. As well, workouts have been delayed. I am hoping to work out tomorrow and Wednesday. I know, but I really had to push so that I could get out tomorrow if I really had to leave. If the river was still rising as it had been, I would have had no choice. I might have been flooded out by late tomorrow! I am still not quite off the adrenaline rush, but I do need to kick it down for the final stages of my planning, which will require intellectual agility rather than raw strength, energy, and personal push. As well, I am actually feeling the drain and near nausea caused by running on adrenaline for too long.

Thanks for all the prayers. Since I did not end up requiring some of them, though they may have played a role in my dry times, I will release them to all the others out there who do (and still may) need them. I certainly add my prayers for those who are out and suffering. Thankfully, so far, no deaths. And, it looks like only Iowa City has even needed to worry about looting (and put a curfew in place… thanks, I.C. and Coralville, for all those graduates of inner-city Chicago you snuck in without letting citizens even know what you were doing!). They obviously do not fit here, this is not the way Iowans comport themselves.

More Flood '08.

I must admit, it is getting a little hairy out here. I am too vested in my vacation to call it off, but it was a consideration. Honestly, I am not sure I would be much help. Simply by not being a consumer during the thing might actually be more helpful than any amount of work I might do.

The sandbagging might help slow things down and allow people to make some choices or such, but honestly, I have doubt as to the good that does. Though, it does keep people from feeling helpless, and puts the young to doing some "good" rather than having them feeling new feelings and having too much free time. Call me a cynic, and doubt my words, but I watched the sandbag troops lose time and again, with little or no real affect, and so fast it was silly. Oh, and some may have lost their vehicles, parked as many as ten blocks away, when some sandbag levy or other was breeched. As well, with traffic as it is... well, you get the point.

I am trying to get everything ready and get myself out as soon as possible. The crest is not even planned to hit until Tuesday (if we do not receive more rain, which as I speak... yes, it is raining, soon to be quite heavily). I am actually a bit worried about actually being able to leave the area! I-80 is being shut down to the east, I-360 is being shut down to the north, and Des Moines (to the west on I-80) seems to be having trouble all it's own.

I could go to my mother's home, but that would add 500 to 600 miles to my trip. Gas being what it is, I am nervous. Now, I cannot leave until at least Monday, as I have to get everything cleaned, sorted, and properly packed (there is one more delivery, if it gets here!). I am hoping to head out Monday night, so as to be somewhere Tuesday by mid-day. I might have to see if my foster mother would allow me to stay a bit early, then stop through on my way home again. But it would be weird to stop for a day and a half, then come back later. It just seems tacky? Yes, we need more time to talk on our first visit in 15 or more years.

Perhaps an email query is in order... Wish me... *gurgle* luck?

The Flood of ’08.

Perhaps you are hearing about flooding in Cedar Rapids, Iowa? That city is directly to the north of where I live, between 20 and 30 miles away. The condition is not getting better. Every time they have suggested a crest level, they come back in an hour, or even half hour, and suggest an even higher crest. It stands at a 24.7 feet crest, though it has been suggested that the crest will actually be well over 25 feet. The dam between there and here is, from the last I heard, three foot over the dam overflow. Parts of Iowa City are also under water, and that will only get worse.

I am fine where I am, and my mother is fine were she is. Everyone I know, locally, is in good shape as well. I had considered setting my vacation aside and helping, but I do not think there is much I can do. To put it bluntly, the river is tied to the rain, and that is not in my hands. All the bagging, to date, seems to have lost the race. Perhaps the process has slowed the flooding, however, giving people time to get out or make preparations for the flooding. It is still raining, here and there.

The spiders which lived outside have started entering my house. I have seen three or four of them, and I believe I found one on my arm this morning. I felt something and thought it was just a “nothing”. But it tickled so I brushed… a spider! I think, especially after seeing the other three. It got partially crushed and then tossed, while I was hoping I did not get bit. I never did find it, so it must be rather tough. And, it was 4:00 so that I had no light, initially, to see what it was. These things are larger around than a quarter, but not quite a 50 cent piece, and hairy. Now, I like spiders. Beyond that they eat other bugs, are fine predators, and generally leave me alone unless I am really hungry (or something like that), I will not shoo them out, if I also will not welcome them into my bed. Women are bad enough to do that with (and they are more predatory, and can be hairier... sort of).

As I said, there is not very much I can actually do. The river is set to rise up to 3 more feet. So, I ready my gear, watch, finish a few plans, and pray. I still have much to do, some of it for the trip, some of it for school, and several personal issues to manage. I am hoping Colorado is not getting snow like we are getting rain. In certain places, we might not even receive that news, as it is so sparsely populated. In any case, I will be avoiding going out unless I really need to do so. I need to be to church and to the grocery store, but unless I need to visit an academic councilor, that is it. Wow, I just thought, I might have to take the interstate to get around to the councilor, as I am not sure about the regular bridges over the river.

Oh, and now we are under a tornado watch until 20:00 tonight.

Grumpy.

I am not sure why, but I am grumpy today. I did go to bed very late and still get up early, that might be it. I was fine while doing my small part in straightening up the place, then I had a bit to eat. I had some things planned for this afternoon, but much of it was put on hold. I had almost forgotten about an appointment today. I just barely made the appointment, barely counts. This was a specialist in a clinic I have visited a time or two, but the doctor was new. I hope I do not need their services in the future. This doctor could not have been more disinterested, he looks to be about 18, and he has little capacity beyond any knowledge he may or may not have regarding bedside manners. Personally, I doubt if he is brilliant, so he needs to take a step back and find some humility. Doctors like that get in trouble, quickly, at the V.A.

Anyway, that pretty much ended most of what I was going to do. I did return the package I had prepared last night and I managed my finances as well. I also checked about my last order as was given the good news saying it should be here by Saturday or Monday. I was not able to call the guidance councilor back or do any of the remaining list. Laundry goes on, sorting and figuring is occurring, but that is it. Oh, I had best do my exercises. They are fun to do, really.

I received several messages while I was at the hospital. Since I am unable to take a call during an appointment, in class, at church, or anywhere important or with certain people, my phone was not with me. The bible study has been canceled for two weeks. I will not be here then, so I need to call back about that. And, as I suspected, my lady friend will not be canoeing this 14th. They are, however, falling back to an alternative date. God willing, she may yet get to enjoy a canoe trip, if she can rearrange her vacation time at work that is. I think she can though, she can be assertive and feisty if she needs to be.

I actually am writing this post because, while reading someone else’s post, I got an idea. Mr. Kim du Toit discussed going to the NRA National Convention next year. And, though it seems he may not be able to go, I have considered the proposal! As my life is changing, I am wondering if I am now able to begin planning for things, a year, two, and even several years out. I would need to begin arranging my wardrobe so that I have reasonable attire, but first I would have to decide what my clothing selection should be. Engineering is rather conservative, so multi-tasking might be the way to go. Therefore suits, sport coats, slacks, and such might be it. Those clothes are expensive, I really do not like them, but it is probably a requirement. And, one of the main things I am learning in rehabilitation is… it’s not all about me. Or more, very little of the world is about me or my wants. If I want to succeed, I will need to give up and do what I am told, wear what I should, quit asking and debating when given tasks except to gain definition, for relevant inquirery, and getting things done rather than failing and providing excuses why things are not done. So, clothing is back as an issue. As is having a potential future.

Is the NRA National Convention next year in my schedule? I do not know, but I do mean to look into it. Money, of course, is a concern. Scheduling, considering my summer courses (if available) and white-water excursion, and who knows what else. I would like to get more involved, but where, with which groups, and how deeply is yet to be determined. The Knights of Columbus is also weighing on my mind. One thing at a time. I am going to see what is planned next year for the NRA while I am doing other tasks this evening. It is time to begin the rest of my new life.

Oh, some things make me happy.

I have been thinking about buying a bike. I do not know when I could afford one, or even exactly how much one would cost. Weighing in at 300 and being 6’4” complicates every thing I do. Even If I lost 50 pounds, I am still huge. I have had it suggested that a mountain bike in the $500 plus range would be minimal for my needs. Beyond that, I know nothing. In any case, I still do not like many bikers. Their willingness to cheat in traffic, to ride outside of their allotted space or in places they really should not be (if it is 35 (mph or more) they should not survive), and to be rude about it, develops no small animosity. I, of course, hope that as a biker, I would be courteous, perhaps even limiting my riding to trails just for that.

I read this article. As I read the title, I became excited, perhaps even giddy. My little devil inside was having a field day. The more I read, the more I giggled and chortled, enjoying the carnage to no small degree. Then the thing culminated into an explosion of laughter. I can only say I believe I purchased the correct vehicle. Whether it is attitude or fate, the type of people who share my interest in vehicles seems to have been exposed in the article. It is a grave thing, but I think I can handle it. *nudge, nudge*

Yeah, so sue me. Everyone has their little “things”. I also thing some people should be neutered. Of course, feminism does that to some degree anyway. They are secular nuns, atheist type women who can do anything sexually except multiply (either use of that last term, actually). Socialism, communism, and feminism all do that, one way or another. Pick your genocide, folks, and just pay at the door and enter whichever tent you think looks the best. I cannot be sure but that that is for the best, minus those who had no voice. I no longer have a voice in this country. No longer even on the ballot through the candidates are the following issues: gorebal warbling, “gun control”, abortion, US sovereignty, and a host of others as both parties are leftist on these issues. The cool thing is, the first people to be killed by the people who kill are the people who advocate the killers with lies of a false hope of government charity and control. Intellectuals, minorities, poorly taught Christians, homosexuals, liberals and progressives (the pool shrinks, those of the “faith” not in power are a threat, more so than those not in the “party”, so “liberals” eat their own, first). How close is the final solution, here?

Up early, and at it.

I was able to push myself out of bed by 8:00. I could not remember when my homemaker would be arriving, though I thought it was to be early. Certainly enough, around 9:00 or 9:30, she was here. We cleaned several areas, though only the bathroom was in strong need. Still, I was about to become overwhelmed and I knew it. She does a very good job and she is rather personable.

I am up and going for the day, so I am hoping to knock three things out immediately and see where things go from there. I will be shipping some clothing back, calling the college to check with them but I will give them until 14:00 to contact me first, and I need to call in an order for medications. Anything else that gets completed, started, or has another step finished will be purely incidental.

I am also trying to remember what I am forgetting. What am I forgetting, you might ask. To which I must reply, I do not recall. Every trip for which I have ever prepared has left me feeling unsure, as if I had forgotten something or some things. Whether I have planned well and long or whether I had been required to load and go quickly, I always feel as if I am forgetting something. Lists only help just so much, and my memory is not good enough to reliably go without a list. My memory is actually limited to remembering where the lists are, as even the creation of the lists is developed from the planning someone else has completed (though with my own added development in the works of course).

I have most of the larger things settled, now I am doing some nitpicking. Things like how to pack my backpack are popping up. Where to put these, those, and the other things by weight, need, use, and bulk has become a big thing, being my first packing event and not having more than a book to depend upon. Although, I think I did this a time or two in the service, using an inner frame backpack as well. I will have to see if my ideas match with what I read about packing. Then too, though I will not be fishing for sport, I will be taking line and other fishing kit in a pill bottle. I still do not have the little necessities of survival kit, such as a wire or other saw. I do not have the little other items, like a real first aid kit (though I have some stuff), signal mirror, or storm whistle. Some of that may still be on the way. It is easy to get lost in the thing, so I really need to stay on track at this point. Lists, I tell you, lists.

Up too late, and again.

I have so much to do and as the time approaches, times seems to be roaring past. I went through the two deliveries I received yesterday. Being too busy to get to it yesterday, but feeling the urgency, I tore through it all today. Some of it was simple, some a bit more complex, and some of it required a little mechanical alteration or two. However, I have inventoried my catch, comparing the items to the invoices (and my memory). One thing which was set to be delivered late ended up being in the delivery, and everything I remembered matched the lists, which then matched the products. Call me pleased.

Oh, the farmer john fit well (as well as wetsuits fit). If anything, the arms are a little long. No problem there. My backpack is perfect, holding one hundred liters, it can break apart into a 70 liter main bag with two 15 liter side bags. Those 15 liter bags can be zipped together and clipped into a yoke system (extra, but I have it) into a 30 liter day pack. And though I already had a mummy sleeping bag, I needed extra room. The manufacturer produced something called an extenda panel, which should make life a little more comfortable for me. However, the zippers on the original bag were mechanically locked and would not separate. A little Dremel work, and the thing is done. I have not yet tried the sleeping back, with it’s extension, yet. Give me time, will you? Oh, I also purchased several types of liners for the sleeping bag. One is not for thermal properties, but for cleanliness. The other is for thermal properties, being silk. The rest was clothing, several waterproof panel “seats”, stuff sacks, bag straps, and other lesser if handy items.

Though I cannot turn in the residency form I picked up today, I thought to go ahead and fill it out. A little preparedness now can save a hassle later. While I was checking everything out, trying things on, and such, I also did a very large load of my woolen socks. I save them up so that I have a full load, as I use a detergent and treatment for wool. Both the expense and rarity in that I have to mail order it have lended themselves to a frugal and collective cleaning of these things. Likewise with my silks, they are washed en mass. I have not been using my Gore-tex enough to wash those items collectively, but I think this winter will find that happening too. It is a bit of a pain, but when you realize how much this stuff costs and how much longer it lasts with the correct care, the choice is made for you. Well, for me to be certain.

My home health assistant will be here tomorrow, if she makes it. After two weeks of cancellations and oddities, I am not sure I trust this service. It is what I have, and I know things can become problematic, and it is free to me, but it is a professional service and I do need it to this point.

Wow, freaky deaky, I cannot believe how fast, how much, how simple, and how well. It certainly makes me sad to realize how long I have been lost and how far gone I was. That was then, I do not think I will ever go back that far again. With the simple care I am receiving, I am not sure I can go back. Boom, still a lot of work to do though. And there is a whole world I want to see. I said “Boom” so that I would not fall back in thoughts or jump too far ahead. Boom, again, stay the course. Goodnight!

Hurry and wait, being out of the service does not change that, if it happens far less often.

I will not tell you I jumped out of bed, sprinted through a detailed grooming and dressing, then pushed my way to the college. Well, I did, but not as early as I had hoped. It was probably 14:30 by the time I parked downtown. I first checked to see if the rehabilitation officer for the U. of Iowa was in his office and available. It just so happened that he was. He could not recall my name, but he recognized me to some degree. As with my particular rehabilitation officer, I had waist length hair the last time this man saw me. As well, though I cannot see a great deal of change from my short workout regimen, between that and my much more active lifestyle together really must make me appear far different. I probably also seem more awake and cogent especially since when I last visited, the high blood pressure medicine had devastated me in those last ways.

Rather than feeling as if I am being dealt with, handled because it is people’s jobs, I am now feeling as if people are pleased to see me and happy to be helping me. I feel as if I am being treated like a prince, not a supplicant (or worse). I even had it suggested that I am young enough to become famous by a man who has dealt with so many people like me for so many years, even when he attempted to then make light of his statement… well, he does not cover well. This from someone who knows I plan on being an engineer! I cannot tell you what that means, nor what it means to me, but I do see it as a very good thing.

I arranged things as well as I could with him. He then advised me as to my next steps. It seemed there would be time to make the next step for sure. So, I did that. There was little to actually do, other than to pick up a form which will indicate that I am still a state citizen so as to gain in-state tuition. I cannot return the form until I am registered, or during that process. With plenty of office hour time remaining, I decided to attempt the final step. I hiked over to the last place, the engineering school proper. I found the main office easily, more so since it is the same room I remembered.

I asked to speak with a woman whose name had been written for me. She was busy with a student and her schedule was full. I suggested I had spoken with another woman this last spring, and I wondered if that might help jump-start the process. I could not remember her name, but the receptionist suggested the right name and I let her know. This other adviser was also with a student and her schedule was likewise full. I asked if the receptionist or either of these woman could at least let me know what paperwork or other action I needed to take next. This was not possible, so my phone number was asked for then added to a note, with my name, and my query.

Remembering how difficult the last two efforts at this went, I believe I will need to attempt to make contact on a daily basis or I will be completely forgotten about. I do not know if they are overworked or if the office is not well coordinated. Then again, it is not their problem. I have to look at everything from a different view to get through things. If I want it, I am going have to go for it and push, pull, or call as often as necessary. I might even have to see some of this in adversarial terms, whether or not “they” are against me, they certainly are not “for me”, or at least it cannot be construed that they are. As I have said, I understand that. If I can do well, very well, I am hoping much of this will change. The truth is, though, some of it will never change. There will always, for many reasons, be those who are against any one of us.

Oh, yes, the second to the last group of gear arrived today. One more order is coming, though I have not heard when I should expect it. Some of this needs to be sorted and tried on then that which does not fit needs to be returned. A little financial work needs to be completed, a bill partially paid, and a final plan needs to be checked on. I cannot believe how well and how close this thing is getting! I am very excited, ready, and pleased. Oh, yes, I would also like to make it to the post office tomorrow and set up a hold on my mail until sometime past the first week into July.

Oh, my friend ended up not arriving the last time she called and suggested bok choy and bacon dinner. It was all good, I did get the kitchen clean (and have kept it that way). She called Monday to see if I could do the same products, but for lunch. As you know, I was meeting with my rehabilitation officer, so that was out. She will be leaving the 14th for a week-long canoe river clean-up vacation. Although, that might not happen. We are having so much rain we are expected to have the highest water statewide that we have ever had. The high water marks in 1993, here in Iowa anyway, was not the record. It was only the second highest water marks. Our nearby dam’s spillway will begin dumping water tomorrow. While we would be happy for some drying out, the South-east and South-west US are just salivating at our loss, in some odd way. So, whether she goes is rather up in the air (actually, it is very dubious).

The meeting and college.

It has been some time since I visited with my Vocational Rehabilitation services officer in person. I did not realize how long it had been, exactly, nor had the time issue crossed my mind. When I entered the office a little early, he noticed something I had forgotten. Until about a year and a half ago, my hair fell to my waist if I did not have it in a pony tail. I now have it cut to within some military standards, clipped up over the ears, and trimmed well and often. As well, my demeanor and sense of things must have offered him some thought. I believe he was surprised and pleased. Both he and his secretary mentioned several things several times. It was also on their faces.

In the interview I had most of my facts down. I had the paperwork in order and I could explain most of it (some of it was incorrect but not by my hand nor to my understanding). There were a few factual errors, a few new details about me and my care which I shared, and he had several questions. Everything went fairly well. I have always felt that these interviews are more of a personal assessment process than anything else, though I may be incorrect. I know the paperwork has to be completed, I know personal contact needs to occur, but I think his personal view holds more sway than what any paperwork I bring, any legwork I have done, or anything my doctor has suggested combined contribute toward the continuation of my program. I cannot say this is true with all cases, and as I have said I cannot be sure about this. Being 100% permanent and totally disabled, that my rehabilitation has been slow and troubled, and a few other factors, make my case a little different. Like I said, however, this day was very successful.

I will go online this evening and see what I can do regarding my enrollment plan. I will try to get what courses I may from the 2-year college, the rest will need to be taken at the University of Iowa. Since I am already connected with the 2-year school and it’s program transfers, I will try to save money by going there (it does not have to be my money for me to try to be frugal). However, I will not drive 60 miles per class again, especially with gas prices and considering here locally, I can take the bus for even more cost efficiency (I want more gear, a S&W .500 magnum, and a ammunition reloading station, I have to be frugal). So, that may make Kirkwood not a viable solution for me, as their engineering courses may all require travel to their out-of-my-town campus rather than their local branch. I am willing to save money, but, my savings comes first.

I most likely will need to re-establish U of I College of Engineering contacts, perhaps needing to gain special permission merely to take engineering courses. I am hoping a simple email to the 2-year college will gain me access to my registration number, should they have courses available to me. My one requirement for courses is that they follow (fairly strictly) the guidance handed to me from the U o I Engineering intake guidance councilor. I am playing this strictly by the plan mutually formulated between my doctor, my voc. rehab. officer, and the guidance councilor initially. Only two things will happen from here on out. The first is that I will fail. At which point, I will complete my time here in the rental contract, then retire to a less expensive place to live in order to gear up further, and finally I will try to find a place in the mountains of Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, or such from where I might enjoy the rest of my life. Or, I will follow the program laid out successfully. Wherein if I deviate, it will be either to increase my course load to full time (or more), or (and) possibly go on to graduate school or law school.

To be honest, none of the plans are absolutely horrible. And, in any case, for periods of time if not ultimately totally, I will end up in those mountains. And I should add, the woods, rivers, streams, back country, ski slopes; and in winter, spring, summer, or fall; or simply whenever and wherever the outdoors calls me or finds me. If I attempt to go further and gain a masters (no Ph. d. in the cards, I believe, as it would ruin my chosen career options) or if I apply for law schools, I am sure I will have some time to kill while waiting. I might even find a college or grad school I could abide in the mountains, even the eastern ones. Though Ithica, NY was not ‘xactly’ mountains, it was not bad and Cornell impressed me, much more so than MIT. Still, grad school would be all about my interests and aptitudes, with social and religious considerations given no small impact.

I will say this, today was deliciously exciting. Not only did I realize, after a rethink of a previous conversation, that I was missing out on an opportunity and wasting time in my college preparations by not meeting with my rehab. officer, I initiated the development of that appointment, then made it to the appointment in a ready and able state, and then I carried the day. Beyond that, with the time given and in spite of what else I have to do in the lead up to my vacation, I may end up having my return to college completely set before I go on vacation. That will leave my run up to classes open for me to camp, exercise, hike, fish, volunteer, and relax so that I am good to go when it is time. I may need the course load so I can take a break! *laughs*

I made it to Church!

Yes, a small thing. To be sure, many people make it regularly. Some make it every Sunday, at the same time, in the same place they sat the week before. I do not work this way. Some say certain people are like clockwork, one could literally set their watch by said persons activities. Others (though perhaps some of those who talk about setting there clock according to those unnamed clockwork type people too, I am never sure) suggest that even a broken watch is correct at least twice a day. It seems to date, since I became disabled in any case, I exhibit the worst of both those sayings. Not only would you become schizophrenic if you attempted to set you clock by my actions, I am a counter point to the belief that a broken watch is correct precisely twice a day. Though I have an actual schedule currently, it only involves the fact that I arise before 11:00 usually (though most commonly before 8:00) and that I go to bed before 3:00 usually. When I eat, brush my teeth, take my medicine, shower, or anything else is dependent upon when I rise, whether I have an appointment or other reason to leave the house, with several few other variables which might play a part and that is not regular (though I am working on it, and actually still trying to get up earlier, which has been a bust to date). Further, I am not right twice a day, regularly. I might be correct all day, or not at all and then not correct again for a week or more. Or, so it seems to me.

There is, actually, a point to all of this. The point being… I forgot.

Teasing, there is a point. When I have something scheduled, it seems to be a major complication to reschedule. Often times, the simple change in an appointment by 1 hour, day, or a week has caused me to miss the thing. And, mornings are the most difficult for me to negotiate or re-negotiate. True, as life is moving toward a more mainstream sort of existence, I am becoming more flexible, dynamic, and resolute. Changes to staid or irregular practices or appointments are not so much of a threat, they do not cause as much fear, and I seem to be overcoming them one at a time until perhaps I will not see them in the same light as before. Still, for today, changes are somewhat difficult, if only through fear and a personal distrust in myself due to accumulated history. I can literally sweat in fear when pondering having to relocate something in my mind, then prepare for it, then carry through with a change. Changing how I feel or see things is as much of a difficulty as getting off my butt and moving, going, doing, calling, and being there for my own needs and those of my friends and family.

I suppose I am saying that I am quite pleased with my little success. I have decided to make celebrating the Sabbath a high priority, and I was able to maintain that. I was late getting to church yesterday, so I had to go today (since I will not enter late). I did not make the 8:00 service, I was not ready for the 9:30 service, but I did make the 11:00 service and I was there in time to have a half hour walk while still finding seating with 15 minutes to spare. Beyond being satisfied at my defeat of fears and at having conquered my history in one battle while adding one more win toward the reordering of my memory and self-trust, I also felt pleased to be in Church, celebrating my Lord, and joining with others who were doing likewise. I did not see a single person I know, save the Priest. And, I probably do not like any one there (laugh here). It was good.

Oh, my lady friend called this morning. I must have been preparing for church as I did not hear the phone. She left a message asking for several things. She indicated she made purchase of bok choy or baby bok choy and some of her organic bacon. She was wondering if I might be interested in adding some of my vegetables and then cooking the items for this evening's supper. If that would be satisfactory, she asked that I call her back. So, I called and left a message indicating that I was amenable to the proposal. Now, I have not been visited by the home health assistants in two weeks, and it is starting to look like it. I do try, but I might as well try and bench press the sun or something. Some men cannot dance (and have the gall to sing about it), some men cannot jump (and are foolish enough to be in a show about it), and other men cannot spell or think (so they play sports if they are the lucky few among their own). For my part, I can neither clean nor keep physical order in my spaces or ways, no matter how satisfied that order makes me when I am near it, surrounded by it, blessed by it.

So, I spent the last half of a day prepping the area, doing dishes, ordering things with what time I have, and doing laundry on the side. Well, the kitchen (let alone the rest of the house) will not be as I would wish it by the time she arrives, but she has seen it in far worse shape and recently. Perhaps I could get her to help a little for the final few steps, or at least have her prepare the table a bit more. I had best get back to it.

A slow awakening.

This morning has been tough to get through. It is a Saturday, and like when I was a child and playing tag, this day like some zones is safe. I am a bit stiff, though not sore, after restarting my exercises, which is fine by me. It actually feels good to feel as if I have stretched and pumped a bit. I noticed that the weight belt is fitting better and easier as well. I must be losing a bit of volume along with some weight. It would hardly be noticeable, only I know at this point. But that I do know does help. I can only hope to actually make significant gains through a much greater time. I honestly do not know how long working, and honestly expanding my workouts, with straight weights will take to show real gains (and losses). I would guess it will take at least six months before I can see a real solid major difference in musculature. Will enough extra muscle mass be in evidence so that I begin losing weight as well by that time? I just do not know these things.

I am definitely going to church today, but I do not know what else I am going to do. I might take a drive and see if the water in the reservoir is still so high the back roads around it are still flooded. I am starting to wonder if it is going to dry out this year, dry out or warm up. This weather is more like typical April or early May weather. Perhaps I could go see a movie, or rent one or three. My preferred hiking area is in as bad of shape as the reservoir back roads, so that is out. And, my outdoor swimming areas are at the reservoir, well, not that they could be used now. The swim areas are 20 to 50 feet from the current shore line and 10 to 15 feet down. It is almost spooky. Time for a shower and lunch. Sliced fine traditional salami, some sliced cheese, a blue cheese dressing combined with mandarin oranges over a mixed dark green bed of lettuce should do the trick.

I am off!

The oddest of things.

Remember when I mentioned my trip last weekend? Remember that I said the event made the paper? Well, today, I received a parcel from my bank. In it was the article in a clear-coat protection along with a thank you card with hand written, very kind, salutations and thanks. Yesterday, I had become frustrated with my bank and almost quit them until a cooler head prevailed. I was frustrated with having to keep making up new passwords for my online access. The system does not allow me to use any of the last four passwords while forcing me to change my code every 90 days, and this is becoming frustrating. Beyond that, the complications tend to increase. It used to be the last password you could not use, then the last two, and finally now the last four passwords which are unacceptable. I called the bank and was directed to a woman who handles these affairs for the bank, and was a little cantankerous. I ran out of steam when she said there was nothing she could do and that if I must end our business, she would miss my business but there was nothing she could do. So, I just ended the call with a simple goodbye. In any case, and even if I was still unhappy (and really about them attempting to keep me secure), I could not end my association at this point, after this.

This is not a small bank. If not national, it certainly has many customers in several towns and cities. How they could know it was me is also a bit impressive. The article did not have my complete legal name and I rarely enter the bank or use the attended drive through, preferring the ATM drive through, so that my face could not be familiar (?). It has to have been close to a year or more since I set foot in the bank proper (hmm, when I applied for my car loan about this time last year), and longer since I used the drive-up window. Call me impressed, and humbled. Oh, and add in embarrassed, full of laughter at some of it, and grateful to be noticed even if that is contrary to my intentions. Overall, chalk it up to a really weird event. I told you they were watching!

One more full week.

Vacation is fast upon me. I am very nervous for a multiplicity of reasons. I will be alone and I will be traveling far. I will be meeting many strangers, some more known than others, all save 4 have never been met before. There are things that can go wrong and missteps which could leave my plans awry. However, my newfound confidence, attention to detail, and planning skills are paying off well. I can concentrate, I can think, push, or find my way through complications and on the fly. And, I am as much enjoying the possibility of having to overcome as a means of proof. No, that does not mean I am trying to build a conundrum into my plans, either. A perfectly implemented plan, carried out through exhaustion with learning on the fly, concentration, diplomacy, and other skills necessary, will also be a good score. Hopefully if something does go wrong and tests me, it will be an unforeseeable event rather than poor planning. Oh, foo, whatever happens, I will be satisfied in some ways. Simply that I am taking the chance and leaving my humble home to enter a very large, dangerous, and interesting world again.

My exercises were a bit lacking this week. I did do them today, and did them well enough. Monday my arm was quite incapacitated, Wednesday I had a visitor (all day), oh, and last Friday I was heading out to load and unload a van and then expecting a significant road trip as well. As I said, I have a full week for exercise coming up, and I might work out the following Monday and maybe Wednesday as well. And though I have not been getting out to hike, specifically, between this last weekend, helping my friend, and living life, I have remained relatively active. I would not have believed it, but I have been working out for 4 weeks, I have maintained a fairly high level of activity, I have nearly completed a complicated trip plan and made purchase of most of the gear, food, and asunder other, as well as having set up plans to begin college, made all of my appointments, and maintained a better contact with family and friends, plus started attending church regularly. I even joined a bible study on the side and found time to volunteer a weekend. Oh, and my music has all been washed, every CD (that will load) has been added to my computer hard drive collection and then transferred to my Zune (292 CDs, with at least a half dozen or more which would not rip).

I would be happy to take pride in what I am doing, but I know that between my medicine, my doctor, and God, my part of this is only in the will. And, that only when assisted on top of the fleshly boost, I suspect. I have done what portion I may, I do stretch that portion as I am able and when I am able, but I still wear the medicinal cast, depend on my medical and home assistance staff as a crutch, and know that even these are humble before God’s will and graces. I am almost certain now, that I might find a better and better pace and capacity. I think I will become stronger and more functional. Whether I always need the cast and crutch or not, I will always need God. I suspect if humility and reverence is what I needed to find, I think I have found that in spades. I think I am better off for it, even with my losses and should I never truly recover. Yeah, I think I am good even if it does not get better. But it will get better. Wow.

Yesterday was a wash?

Not really. I did nothing I had intended to do. Still, I was able to help a friend. Sometimes a friend needs a day, some attention, and a little extra special care. If I have it, I offer time, energy, and tlc. And so went yesterday. I may have missed doing something important, I did not do several of my regular and scheduled events, and I did not carry out any follow-ups on orders or ordering. So be it, it happens whether for this or other reasons.

Today I got back on track. Though my attempts to wake earlier is actually disturbing my regular schedule, I am continuing to make the effort. Though I have as often ended up awakening later than even before, I think I can get there.

I was able to contact someone regarding my upcoming doctor appointment which needs to be rescheduled, and is vital as he is leaving and there is something very important I wish to discuss with him. Though I was only able to leave a message, it is a start. I also scheduled an appointment with Vocation Rehabilitation services for this coming Monday. As well, I was able to check on an order. Email tag, as usual, but it, too, is a start. I also am making some financial arrangements so that my last few orders and my trip may occur more smoothly. And, I made one of my last orders or the last order for the trip today. Much of what I am ordering will go back. I am overly cautions about sizing as the time is getting short, so I am ordering several sizes. The memory of the farmer john and the time constraint are causing some slight heartburn.

I should be finished with the last of my CD transfers this day as well. I have few to complete, yet I have a few other chores and projects I am working on as well. Today and tomorrow, and really from now on, I am on a glide path to vacation. I have one more week of regular schedule and maybe another half a week where I may or may not continue my schedule. In there I have packing, maps to make and print, and perhaps some college planning.

What a spring and early summer! This has been intense, impressive, and promising. I am doing everything I can to make gains, maintain them, and expand even beyond them. I have miles to go, but I have come many miles to get here. I hope this is the time.

I am in recovery.

Odd, but I have had a very tough last few days. Sure, I have taken my medicine and on time, yes, I have been awake most of the day, but I am definitely a hurting unit. I have been sleeping incorrectly, lying on my right arm and either cutting off the blood, or extending it incorrectly, or both. It has been nearly useless during my days. I do not recall, at night when I wake up, having that arm under me or in pain. Last night I made a point to check it through the night. Guess what, it still is suffering a bit. As well, I have awaken with headaches each of the last two mornings. I think that is because my neck is out a bit. Oddly, the bed at New Melleray Abbey did not cause me discomfort (a rather unusual thing, since most “new beds” do cause headaches). Still, it seems, coming home to my own bed is the cause. My own bed has become like a new bed.

Beside the headache and arm troubles, I was generally exhausted yesterday. I would say that continues into this day. I believe part of the problem was getting so much exposure to the sun on the trip, without properly hydrating anyway. That is a mistake I will not repeat. I feel like I am having a hangover, one which is lasting two days. I assure you I am not. Oh, right, both a hangover and what I am going through do have the same basis, now that I think of it. Dehydration is a large part of both problems and that is why I feel as if it is a hangover. I guess I am going on a bit of a liquid diet for the next few days, well, the right type of liquid diet anyway.

I have squandered Sunday evening, Monday, and this morning on my weakness. I will stop it here. Drinking water may help in time, but getting up and going will stretch me past points of weakness (which are going to happen). I need to call Vocation Rehabilitation Services, do some financial finagling, order a few more items, check on some other items, send back a farmer john, and start lining my gear up so that I know what I have and what I might still need or want. One thing at a time though, Rehab Services and returning the wetsuit top today’s list.

Oh, and yes, the events of this weekend still play on my mind. As one who has studied Zen and suffers from “dissociation”, I could only suggest that the Monastery offers a spiritual form of those things, though Christian based. However, where Zen attempts to detach completely, the monks attempt to be here and there both with work and prayer coupled. And, where dissociation is accidental or unwanted, this is not so much the case. I am exploring it as I am able. Though I am certain there are no words which may quite describe the sense. I am not sure I can completely understand the senses either. Be that as it may, I am examining those feelings, senses, and notions.

Carbon “Belch” Day? Ok, but why stop at a day?

I read this article and I had to laugh. For the most part, I try to live by those principles, when money, time, and other resources are available. Though I honestly choose to attempt to live a humble life, I have absolutely no real fear of running out of oil, destroying the planet, or any of that eco-garbage people are trying to shove at me. Oh, it is nice to have a clean planet, but do not lie to me and then expect me to believe you the next time. Or, if you are going to lie to me, lie well. If a third grader can figure out these eco-terrorists like Al Gore are wrong, it sort of ruins the game. It started with Rachel Carlson’s lies and it has not stopped.

The good news is, if democrats and Democrats keep artificially raising the cost of fuel until Republicans quit trying to be democrats and show the people how little fuel should cost with the correct number of coal burners, nuclear plants, and an end to most of the EPA and the horrific rules it imposes, there will never be a question about this again. Why might this happen? $6 or $10 dollar fuel in a nation which really should only be paying $1.50 for fuel will change things. This is not yet the socialism of Europe. If 30 to 40 thousand of each of our states dies from heat or cold due to artificially inflated fuel costs as happens yearly in France and Britain, things here will change.

Oh, here is the link. I honestly do try to abide by most, if not all, of these principles. One day? What jokers.

New Melleray Abbey

Though I spoke with my coworker in the charity effort about the Monastery, and several times, nothing can quite prepare someone for their first stay at a monastery. There is nothing similar in any of my many life experiences which might have prepared me. I would have to say that the stay is quite apart from the world as I have ever known. Then too, there is the common and mundane in plane sight yet viewed as if through a lens which transforms even the normal into the contemplative. Time slows down, and then moves at a particular pace, set by the monks, the lives they lead, and the nature of the surroundings. To say it was an amazing experience might not quite be the best way to term it, yet that is what I have and so will use to describe my stay.

We arrived at the Abbey late, for monastic time to be sure. Arriving at 21:00, we entered the Abbey and waited near the guesthouse attendant’s room (9:00 pm, henceforth I will use military time: to find pm time, subtract 12 from any hour designation greater than 12:00 (13:00 ~ 13-12= 1 pm, 17:30 ~ 17:30-12:00= 5:30pm, etc.). After a short wait, my companion suggested he might know where to find whoever might be in charge of greeting guests. Sure enough, after a brief parting of ways, he returned with a man. I was to learn that this was Father Tom, a father yet also a brother at the Monastery. I do not know if he was a priest and then became a monk, whether as a brother he then went on to become a priest, or what his circumstances are, though I did learn all of these and other possibilities exist. In any case, we discussed a few things, we were given a few items with which to study or follow the monk’s Gregorian Chants, personal instructions, and a schedule for the time we were to stay. I remember little from the evening being tired as I was. Though I am sure we carried our gear to our bedrooms (private rooms with our own private baths), and once in my room I set things up for the night, unpacked, took care of grooming needs, took my medications, and then attempted to sleep.

For some odd reason a cousin, who has never called me before, called me shortly after I had settled in for the evening. We are not to speak in the rooms, and so I had to find a light switch, my phone, and press the ignore button. Having finally done this, I again retired. Perhaps ten minutes later she called again! Again, I pressed ignore. This time, however, I set the phone to neither ring nor vibrate when receiving a call. The phone, even when shut off, will come back on when called. I do not like that particular feature. As a side note, the following day, Saturday, my mother called and left a message in which she asked that I call my Uncle and give him my phone number. I wondered why she had not just given it to him, but I think it is easier for him to capture my phone number on his phone and add it that way. He might not actually remember how to put it in, or he may have difficulty seeing the numbers and buttons. He has never called me before either, so I am not sure what was going on. I did make the local news, so maybe they saw or heard something about that. I have not yet called anyone except my mother back, and since she did not know, I do not know.

I did sleep, and well for the most part. I did need the fan provided in the room. Though I did not sleep deeply, I slept soundly and comfortably. I awoke in time for the first bells. A little bit about bells first. There are seven bells, and a mass, each day. The first bells, a literal ringing of church bells, calls for the brothers, fathers, and all who wish to attend, to go to the church. The monks then sing Gregorian Chants (Psalms sung to a specific music arrangement), offer words of ceremony, and bow, or sit, or kneel at various times throughout the ceremonies. The seven bells are (Office of) Vigils at 3:30, Lauds at 6:30, Eucharist at 7:00 (this is at 9:00 on Sundays), Terce at 9:15, Sext at 11:45, None at 13:45 (literally, the service is called “None”, confusing, a bit, at first… Latin(?)), Vespers at 17:30, and Compline at 19:30. As I said, I woke up, without an alarm clock oddly, in time to be groomed, dressed, and downstairs for the Office of Vigils. However, I did not know where to go. And, having been warned against entering certain areas and knowing that signs might be easily missed at this time of day, I waited in hopes someone else would go and I could follow. It was not to be. However, I was pretty much awake for the rest of the day.

For guests, breakfast is after morning mass except on Sunday, dinner is at noon, and supper is at 18:00. In the morning, during a time I can only suggest the brothers might complete more domestic chores, as guests, we have a large space of time to study, read, hike, or relax. In this time, my cohort and myself decided a hike would be good. He actually sought me out to see if I wished to go with him at about the time I was looking for him to ask a few questions, including about hiking. There is quite a large acreage which the Monastery maintains, it has 1200 acres of timber, as well as pastures, farm land, and the grounds of the monastery itself. Our hike must have been three or a little more miles, in total, and perhaps a full four miles. We had some very interesting conversations interspersed with quiet times along the way. Even with a very large hill, and occasional other terrain difficulties, I think I did well in the effort. In the afternoon, work around the grounds, in the garden, or wherever work is needed, is performed by the monks. Those of us guests who wish to do so may help. My friend and myself, along with another man, agreed to help. We trimmed the branches of several plum trees in order to even their look and allow air into overly dense portions. Two of use went on to the garden with the brother from there and planted about 100 pepper and a few tomato plants, while the third guest went to pick rhubarb. I dug the holes with a trowel in this part. We then completed several other minor and last minute tasks, including cleaning our tools, fertilizing some of the vegetables, and stacking and storing what we had used. I think we ended up impressing the brother which whom we were working. If not by great deeds, then merely by a lack of complaint and a steady hand to the work.

From what I am told, the monks are vegetarians. Since we guests eat a different meal, I am not sure what their meal plan looks like, though I must admit to being curious. From seeing a picture of one of their completed meal place settings, it seems as if cheese and milk are in the menu, so I am speculating that by vegetarian, only meat is precluded. Though whether the definition of meat constitutes fish and eggs as well, I cannot know. As I said, I am curious. I myself love beef, as well as some pork, fish, fowl, and I am coming to appreciate lamb, vegetarianism would be difficult.

They have an interesting gift shop. Some things are expensive, some things are not. Some items are produced at the Abbey or the nearby and associated nunnery, others are from local, regional, national, and international religious venders. There are foods, wooden items, books, religious items, and music. I sorted through the gift shop over my stay, deciding whether to buy something or not, whether for myself or others, and what if anything at all I should get. On the day of departure, Sunday, I strolled down toward the shop. I saw and greeted Father Tom and asked if we might take care of my stay and perhaps a few purchases. He was awaiting my travel companion, as they were going to speak, but until that time he was free. So, I picked up a few items, a coffee mug with New Melleray Abbey written on it and a design indicative of the architecture of the building, a book of rules which the monks must abide, the morning and evening Gregorian Chants recorded at the Abbey, and a brief photographically rich book of the history of the Monastery. Later in the morning, I realized I did wish to purchase a few items for a few friends. My neighbor had indicated that honey buttered bread had been a delight he had remembered from his childhood visits to a monastery in Utah. So, I thought Melleray honey might be something he would appreciate. Mixed with butter and spread on bread, perhaps his family might enjoy the treat? I can hope. As well, I remembered to buy some chocolates for my lady friend. She happened to stop by this morning, for no particular reason, so I offered her the chocolate, which she gratefully accepted. She also liked the mug. I offered it to her, but she suggested I keep it. If I go again, she has suggested that I now know what to bring back to her. I should get the honey to my neighbor this afternoon.

There were three monks with whom I had some contact. I must admit to being quite pleased to have met these men. I felt rather satisfied to have made their acquaintances and it was enriching. I do feel some comfort, both that they do this work and offer these praises, but that they are able to in spite of our state as it is, the profusion of sin, and the social confusion that has nearly destroyed via secularization the fabric of this nation and perhaps the whole of Western Civilization. In this place, there is some notion of hope, some remembrances of wholesomeness, a realization of the strength and goodness of tradition, righteousness, and the greatness of God. It was no small thing, this visit. I sense more, but this is as much as words will convey.

I am considering visiting this winter, sometime during Christmas break from college. This time, I am considering whether to visit as this time or whether to go as an associate. As an associate, I would sit up with the monks and chant, sing, and worship with them rather than being seated in the pews, and yet I would not eat or reside with the monks or with the guests, necessarily, either. I have not yet decided which it is to be, or if for certain I am going. However, hopefully if I go, I will take cross country snow skis, cold weather gear, and some gear I would like to test in order to do some exploring in the mornings. I plan on reviewing the recordings of the chants in order to, perhaps, become more familiar with them. And, I am considering trying to get to their type of schedule. Getting up at 3:15 and going to bed at 20:00 to 20:30 is not that bad. It offers right at 7 to 8 hours of sleep. We will see how far I get with this. Some of it will not work well with my vacation coming up. In any case, I am hoping some of what I felt is maintained, and some of what is a mystery will become more familiar even if it never becomes named whether or not I incorporate all of their schedule and some of their activities.

A storm report.

Parkersburg, Iowa

Though the stay at New Melleray Abbey was a second thought consideration which only coincided with a task I volunteered to assist performing, the stay has become the predominant experience of the weekend. Yet, the task which initialized the stay was also significant in a number of ways. The task was not difficult or complex for my part, though the man who initiated the event did the planning, made the contacts before and during the trip, and did the driving to the locations which needed deliveries. I was only a helper in loading the van and company on the trip.

The delivery was fairly uncomplicated, though initially it seemed that it might be involved. As we approached Parkersburg, Iowa, we started making calls in order to ensure the items and monies we carried would be delivered to the correct place or places. We began calling early enough so that when we were near enough to make final choices, we were easily and directly directed to our two destinations even with the little bit of phone tag which is apt to occur in these situations. The first stop saw us driving to a town west of Parkersburg where it seems the Red Cross has headquartered their relief services and donation center. The next stop sent us through Parkersburg.

Much of the town was not damaged. If I had to guess, I would say two thirds of the town was intact. However, what of the town that was hit was more obliterated than damaged. Houses were often stripped to their foundations, most of the structure on two and three level houses completely or mostly gone. The trees were stripped of all foliage, all of their branches less then a foot thick, and some trees lost even some or all of the thicker branches. It looked like a war zone. It looked as if bigger howitzers were used to heavily pepper the area with near-ground and slightly higher sky-burst shells.

Something that had not crossed my mind before regarding tornadoes came to my realization as we were leaving the town. We passed a junk-yard for old cars. They were stacked several high, perhaps five or six in a stack. There were many stacks. Then I realized something, they were all “newer” junked cars. There were hundreds of vehicles flattened, tossed around, smashed by a tornado, not by time and machines. This was an F5 tornado, and it shows. Oddly, there were two buildings which stood out as having very little damage, just a bit of roof damage, and certainly not even systemic or catastrophic at that. Two new bank buildings survived right in the middle of the tornado and stand in stark contrast to the devastation the surrounding area exhibits.

As I have been informed, there were three cities actually hit by the tornado. We passed through or by both of the other cities, though we could see no damage. New Melleray Abbey actually also lost a barn to the tornado. Objects from Parkersburg, the most westward of the towns hit, were found in Prairie du Chiene, Wisconsin, across the Mississippi River and between one half and one third of the state away. It was an incredible storm.

It was difficult to consider the people who survived this tornado. Lives, property, businesses, and schedules lost or disrupted and in such a horrendous immediate and non-negotiable fashion. I can really only pray that those people and their communities find a way to join together, and that people from around the country, along with insurance companies and other parties can all gather to help those in need. It is a very big project, amazingly big, overwhelming large to me. I know in another country, almost any other country, recovery would be agonizingly slower if it came at all. Some nation’s governments do not even allow the people in need to receive donated food, water, and clothing and do not provide as a government either. In spite of their ill fortunes, these people could not have had a bad thing happen to them in a better place.

Packing is interesting.

Ok, what I want to take and what I will take are two different things. My clothes, due to my size, take a great deal of space, especially considering my available luggage. Even taking the light day pack and the duffel bag, a necessity, I will need to be very picky and leave some things. I suppose this is where ideas hit reality and I learn a bit about practicality. This is not a problem, and I will still have several food, water, and clothing options along with an extra sleeping option.

I am not sure what type of work we may be called upon to do, yet I am satisfied that I will be able to do it. Beyond a native strength and store of energy upon which to draw, having been working out has really added to that strength and depth of energy, even if it does not look like it. Actually, it is the long drive which will be more challenging. I would guess we will be driving around 300 miles, on top of work and then unloading the goods. So, it will end up quite a long day.

It was raining very heavily when I awoke this morning. Though I hope it does not warm up and become a mug pool state, I also hope the rain will at least slow so as to facilitate a safer trip and allow us to work outside if that is what is needed. This being Iowa, there is no telling about the weather. My nurse should be here in a bit, so I will go.

Oh, I might add, I have some small suspicion. I almost wonder if the nurse and the home maker are allowed because my numbers (blood pressure and blood sugar) are so astronomical, even now, that they suspect I am going to keel over. I almost wonder if they plan on me being dead and they just want to have some way of checking. Call me paranoid (then quit, you might be right *laughs*). She will be here soon. I hope to blog Sunday or Monday about this weekend. Have a great weekend yourself.

Ok, I missed one.

Last night was my first slip-up. When I went to work out, I realized at my level of exhaustion that the task was unwise. To be honest, it would have been dangerous to attempt to work out. I could not concentrate or keep focus and balance was an issue. How much was muscular I cannot say, though I think that was a more minor part of the issue. Still, it was a full day. I was up and going and on the road by, 10:00 or 11:00, was it? And, I had made brunch before that, and showered, and all. After leaving the house, I did not return until after 18:00, then went out again. Only to return and make a full supper then clean up. Some days I just will not be able to exercise the way I had planned. And, really, if it is not too often, I think I can live with that.

I think my day yesterday was a bit too busy though. I could not sleep until 4:30 or 5:00, I just could not do it. I was having a very difficult time getting out of bed today, as might be expected. My friend and I went together on a tent recently, and she received it several days ago. We went together on it, as one of us almost for certain would want it and either we could then buy the other out or share it since we rarely camp at the same time. She had been hoping for a sunny day to put it up outside, but that had not happened and it does not look to be imminent. So, today, she set it up in her living room. She wanted me to take a look at it, and so called and woke me up in the middle of waking up process, revised wake up process anyway and at about 9:00. I assured her I would be over promptly. And, I may have been, in my dreams. I dunno. But the next thing I do know is that the phone was ringing and it was 11:00 and she sounded like an unhappy chipmunk. So, I got up, showered, and drove over. It is a really nice tent, actually. It is an REI, it has two “doors”, it is very comfortable for me (enough so that I could probably rest comfortably with one or even two other people in it, most “3 man” tents only and barely fit me), and it is well outfitted. However, and this is just the way the world works, we have both ended up taking our vacations at the same time. Only one of us will get to take it. I have suggested she take it as I have a tent (two actually, as I could take her other one or my old one), and because she actually needs a tent every night on her trip, while I could use one or just flatten my Xterra’s inner areas out and sleep in there, if I camp at all in any case. Still, I know she will yo-yo about this until she leaves on her trip (first, the 14th of June, I leave around the 18th but she will not be back yet).

I finally checked on the farmer john wetsuit return. I found the email address with which to send a query regarding the order and then sent an email including several specifics from the order definition email they had sent to me as the order was shipped. I did ask for a phone call, and gave them my phone number. I suggested that either a phone call would need to be had and that the phone call would have to include a conversation with an experienced wetsuit buying guide or that a simple return would be made and I would go on to find assistance of this nature from another source. I am hoping for a quick reply, though I am dubious. By Monday I will either have made contact somehow or I will order from another source. Time is becoming a bit critical on gear, with enough time for one more return and re-order cycle without getting into extremely expensive shipping. Even that would be questionable beyond one to two more order cycles.

I am cleaning my new cooking and eating equipment. I am also going through my gear, ferreting out what I want to take on the trip to a tornado torn area of Iowa and what will not be needed is being set apart in an orderly manner. It is good to be going through my gear and seeing exactly what I have, how much of what, and to set my mind to ease knowing where things are. I will end up taking two sets of clothes, with extra socks and an extra set of thermals (I will also be wearing one set), cooking and eating gear, water treatment and personal water storage, leather gloves, a personal hygiene kit including a smaller fast drying camp towel, several means of lighting a fire, both to light the little stove or to start an actual camp fire, my sleeping back, and a few other small odds and ends. Hopefully, other than the sleeping bag, it will all fit in a smaller day pack or medium duffel. Maybe better to just start with the duffel, as it will handle the sleeping bag too? Oh, of course, plenty of water, several food items (some needs to be cooked, some can be eaten as is, some can be done both ways, while some should not be cooked). I am probably doing overkill, but it is fun to do, and it will be interesting to see if any of it ends up being needed.

It seems that the loading of the van is off for the night. We will have to do what we can tomorrow, as the van needed some work and is in the shop. Which, as it turns out, is a good thing. My lady friend suggested she might be over this evening. So, I asked if she might be interested in one of her favored cuts of beef. It seems she might be, so, I headed to the store and picked up this, that, and the meat. I then stopped at the coop and picked up a few items (some for the trip, Clif Bars and a few assorted other items). So, I should be able to make a fine meal tonight, again. I hope she brings a movie or something, or at least is prepared to play a few board games. I think the meal with be: Delmonico steak with fresh garlic and mushrooms, fresh steamed kale, a salad, and fresh strawberries as desert. As usual, coffee for the lady, whole milk for the buffalo.

I must admit to being intensely curious about the monastery. All I have to go on is the stories of old regarding such establishments. Most of what I know, I have told. The daily mass, the seven bells (though, why seven, hourly minus the hour for mass?), and just that it is a monastery. What I did not pass on was that this place is within the largest contiguous (old?) woods in Iowa and that as their means of producing income, they craft coffins. I only worry that I might miss a bell, caught in a daydream or having fallen to a nap. I fear not being able to sleep or awaken properly. I fear being a burden, one way or another. Call me fickle, but, and though I know I am not, I like to feel somewhat in control and able to dismiss my duties as I may or must at times. With others, a clock, and many unknowns, I am being tested a bit. I am sure, one way or another, I will do fine for the short time period. Yeah, I know the rafting and all, but that is a little different. My rafting mates will probably not have the ability to excommunicate me! *laughs*

It has been a very busy day, and week really.

Today my lady friend needed a driver again. The good news is I believe we have made our last trip for the year, at least in regards to this particular project of hers. She always feeds me, sometimes she offers to pay for gas as well, and occasionally she is good company. Today, however, I fed us. Some fresh guacamole, three cheese flour tortilla melts, salsa, fresh coffee, and a few other items saw us off well, an offering from my home. Instead of a meal, then, today, she provided our tickets to the new Indiana Jones movie. I purchased waters and a few treats. Afterward, we drove to where she needed to go. This time, everything was to her liking and it was an very fast into the office and back on the road affair. I returned just in time to make the final contacts with a man from church to get a ride to the bible study. Come to think of it, she actually liked the brunch I prepared as well! A little garlic and a few other spices in the assiago seemed to have done the trick.

The bible study was quite good. I believe they had been reading the passages given for this day, what is to be used in mass that is (1st reading, psalms, and 2nd reading), three times and then discussing the material. This time a new method for thought and study was used. We read the verses, then an extended section around the verse, then the footnotes, and then discussed what we had read. It will take me some time to get back in the swing of study, yet I did have a few notions to share and the study did draw me in. I have met and I do respect the gentlemen who were present, and I think I may learn from them as well, just by being in their company. This holds promise as a means of study, socialization, and possible connections to other activities.

As a fact, tonight was a connection to other activities. One of the men indicated that he would be picking up whatever goods had been collected and delivering those goods to a city here in Iowa that has been hard hit by a recent tornado or three. At the beginning of the study, in a light-hearted manner though too with a seemingly serious undertone as well, he let it be known help would be very welcome. About half way through the group, it hit me that this was my call. And, trying not to sidetrack the study, I made it quickly known that I would be interested and that we should exchange contact information. Well, quickly and surely, and without the feeling that this was wrong, a pen and paper were provided and we exchanged personals and he informed me of what he knew to date. Afterwards, we re-initialized the study and finished on time.

Since then, he has called to update me on the plan. It seems that the material will be ready tomorrow at 19:00. He would like to load the material in preparation when it is ready. Then, Friday, after he is free from his work to travel, at around 12:00 to 13:00, we will begin the trip. Super for me, it allows me to do my workout in the morning and be showered and ready. It seems we will be doing some work, leather boots and leather gloves were recommended. We will work at one place, or from a general area I am not certain, then we will travel to another place and unload the goods.

Beyond, it seems my co-worker had been intending to go to a monastery this weekend. When all of this happened, the timing seemed to indicate that this work and delivery could happen as well. So, after I was asked which part I would help with (all of the above, and anything else needed I have indicated), I was asked if I wanted to return early or if I could handle staying on at the monastery. Are you kidding? I did not say that, I did think it. Yes, I would greatly enjoy staying. Apparently there is a mass each day and seven bells, calling for all to gather for prayers, song, and collective reflection, reunion, and praise. I have wondered about this type of life, I would not say it could be mine long term. Who knows though. In any case, that was a hidden bonus.

I cannot remember if I said, but all of my music has been washed, and 172 albums by 119 artists are loaded on my Zune. I am about two thirds the way through this task. I did finally order the gear in question. I may ask my neighbor to check while I am gone, there is nearly $400 dollars in gear. I would have ordered it in such a way as I needed to sign for it, but I did not know I would not be here. I will be taking a few pieces of gear in a day pack, plus a sleeping back, and some emergency food, just in case.

When I returned from the bible study, my lady friend was still here. So, I asked her to stay for supper. I had a t-bone thawed, she had her organic but very fresh spring lettuce, and there were fresh brussel sprouts for me and frozen broccoli for her, along with fresh coffee for her and a glass of whole milk for me. I had produced a decent vinaigrette for lunch, and so that was in play again as well. Trying to stay on target, I cleared and cleaned after supper, with only one pan (soaking though) needing finished. Then my kitchen will be clean again, probably cleaner than before.

Still, I need to work out before I go to bed. But first, I need to digest my food a bit more. I know it is late, but this has been a busy day. If I was to be here Saturday, I might float my exercises a bit. As is, I have little choice and I will not fail to do this simple task. I am tired, so I may not be able to do as well (though I will most assuredly try). I may need to take an extra break before the final reps in the final sets of some exercises, I might have to take a little longer of a break between sets, but I will get it all done. I wish I looked differently for this exercise, or even felt differently. Still, I am sure it means something somehow.

What a day. Now I really am curious about what tomorrow might bring. Maybe I am becoming alive again. I know it will be good to be doing something right and helpful to others. I had been thinking about that, but I was not sure what to do. Perhaps as I have sought to know God better, I can more easily be summoned and hear and understand his call. Goodnight.

A lot done while doing nothing.

Though I woke up later, it being a holiday and all yet not so late as to be unseemly, I still had a great day. Getting out of bed a little after 9:00, having taken my medicine around 7:30. The day was slow at first. I tried to figure out how, or more what, to write about this weekend and my experience with it. After writing several drafts, and then dumping those and rewriting, I finally hit on something that felt at least ok.

After this and that, I started to do this and that, and then wrote about it. As the day progressed, so did my accomplishments. I have copied 78 albums to my hard drive, cleaned the CDs, alphabetized them (and all the other CDs), and then installed those 78 albums on my Zune. I then worked out. This week is the last week I increase weights until my return from out West. It was a tough workout, but I felt good. I was able to push through all the reps, save one. During this time, I was also doing laundry and ended up completing two and a half cycles (one load just needed dried). Then, after working out, I made some homemade guacamole. I, at first, was not sure what to do about the rest of supper. After a bit, while making the guacamole, I hit upon it. Two quarter pound (made from raw meat, not fast food) hamburgers with some onionified buns, guacamole on the hamburgers (plus a dab for chips), along with corn chips and salsa (not homemade, but good). Adding in a glass of milk, I had a decent supper. Now, as the last load finishes drying, the kitchen now also cleaned up again, and Andromeda Strain on the tube, the day is closing to success.

I had not set out to do work, or much work, or certainly not this much work. But it did not seem difficult, I was able to do two or three things at a time for the most part, and it all just… happened. I am not at all tired either.

I have some plans for tomorrow. My lady friend requested my chauffer services for the first part of the day. After that, I hope to add another pile of CDs to the computer and then on to the Zune. As well, I would really like to get out for a hike or walk. Oh, I need to check about a return of the farmer john dive suit and about ordering that other gear I have mentioned. I emailed them again, as they had not gotten back to me as they had indicated, and they said they would get back to me soon (apparently they have a holiday today too (Britain)). As well, I found that I have an appointment June 11th, so I will have to be back by the 10th, which also means I can easily set an appointment with Vocational Rehabilitation June 12th, and I wish to do so in order to ensure I will have a timely meeting and time enough to do the rest of my college preparations. It is almost silly how easy things seem, though in truth, I still have to push mightily sometimes, like every morning, sometimes to work out, and often to stay on track and make those calls and take those actions. As each fear or doubt is overcome, however, the continuation of successes make the next time easier, easier, and even easier… but not quite yet assured. Closer.

I have not been completely inactive.

One of the projects getting attention this weekend has been transferring my CDs to my computer’s hard drive. That is at least one half of the process depending on whether I just transfer whole CDs directly to the Zune or whether I filter the music to transfer a bit or a lot from each album to the Zune. If time gets short, I have the memory to store it all on the Zune. Now, figuring out how much space the music would take required some trial and error. I tried to do a direct one-to-one recording of the music (I believe, called “noloss”). It was the best recording quality, I believe. Yet I found that a mere 30 CDs took 7 Gb. My machine only has 110 Gb on both drives and the Zune only has 80 Gb. So, I had to cut back the rate, twice. Which also meant recording those 30-ish CDs twice, then erasing them! As is, 300-400 CDs will consume between 50 and 60 Gb. I suppose, if I wanted to pick and choose while recording, I could record in the best format. Simply put, I do not have that kind of time, for sure anyway. As well, I am looking to have as complete a back-up of my music as possible. Meaning I wish to have the complete CDs somewhere. This offers another reason to update my computer… I had thought to just get one 500 Gb RAID, but I am thinking 2, or even 2 separate Tb RAIDs. Especially since I have not even seen how much memory movies will take!

I have also been cleaning a bit, and trying to get caught up on laundry while planning to launder some of my specialty clothing (silks, wools, rain-proof, etc) in my run up to the trip. As well, this week I will have the dishes complete when my help arrives, even if she arrives early. I will probably wash my CDs while I am at it today. Then when dry, I will restore those, initially, back into the CD books (which is great as they needed sorted back to the alphabet). I am considering putting the CDs back into their original cases, which I have kept for the most part. I am also interested in clearing a few more of the storage spaces in my apartment as the rest of the place is starting to really shape up. I am also hoping to clear out the front room, before I go, in order to clean the carpet. Well, either the front room and hall, or my bedroom and the hall carpeting. The weight room (a spare bedroom, technically) and the front room will be the most difficult to clear, so those might have to wait. My workout regimen allows a week long break for every six weeks of working out. I probably will not be able to get the carpeting in that room done this time, (the week preceding my vacation) but maybe next break. Beyond that, I am hoping to really push and clean and clear everything stored, hanging clothes, all my drawers, and the garage. I cannot swear I will get to all of that, but I have a shot at it, even while I do the music transfers, exercises, getting out of the house, normal shopping, remaining planning, and church. I may be shooting high, but honestly I think this is all doable, and easily.

If I was not disabled, this would not even be considered a difficult set of tasks. Most people do this (or can do it) and work, while often with religious, familial, and social duties, responsibilities, and pleasures added in there. As I grow stronger, as my life begins taking a solid wholesome shape, as my health improves, as I grab the reins and take command, my illness weakens, shrinks, and becomes a concern rather than my whole life. How far I am along that rise I cannot tell. If it is permanent, long lasting, or sustainable, only time will tell. I only know this is the absolute best I have done in 20 years. My worst days are now better than my best days of most of those previous years by a vast stretch. My life, work, and workouts are becoming easier in doing even as they become very much harder and more complicated in fact.

So, in spite of what I might otherwise have called a weak showing this weekend, I enjoyed the time off and the reflections of life, death, family, and country. The perspective is something I am grateful at having been able to know this year. I do regret not living close enough to take a trip to my main family’s primary graveyard. If this life has become a graced event again, and this year sees the advances of the last year added to this years gains or even maintained, I may have to put a visit in my schedule. I think it would be nice to gather my mother, an aunt, a few cousins, and a roomful of memories, and then as a group go visit some of those who helped create those memories yet who can no longer come to us.

Memorial Day

For the first time in my adult life, without prompting, I appreciated this day. It is not as if those who have sacrificed through war, toil, giving, sharing, and who have loved and served my nation, my family, and myself have not been important to me. It is not as if I felt above, beyond, or beneath respect or reverence. I hold that respect strongly, and value all that goes with it. However, simply being aware that a day is a holiday has been a difficult project in the condition I often find myself.

I have considered, over the course of this weekend, those who came before and have since passed. Some important family members can be named among the remembered. Some I have met and loved, such as my Grandpa, several cousins, and a step-brother, among others. Some I never had the chance to meet except through pictures and stories, such as my Grandmother. There are other family members, cousins to uncles, great aunts to siblings, who I have known and miss. I think of the servicemen who have died for my family, myself, and our nation. Further back, I think of those who helped sew some of the seeds of my nation before the US was a nation. The noblemen who pushed for the Magna Carta for example. And further back, to Christ, who believed men were worthy enough for him to knowingly suffer and die and rise. As it is God and His notion’s which have been the basis for this nation and upon which the citizens draw their rights to freedoms. And, back further to the earliest of God’s prophets and writers, who were the very first to begin developing the idea that would one day be my nation. There are many to be remembered, many who have sacrificed and died, some close some more distant in time or relationship. And, there are others whose lives were their sacrifice, who gave the sweat off their brow, the calluses on their hands, the blisters on their feet, and much of if not all the wealth they generated to ensure their children, who became my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and so on had a chance to offer me a place in this world.

I have enjoyed this weekend. I have done very little, and enjoyed the time off. This is the first three day weekend I have actually knowingly understood fully in decades. To both appreciate the time off and be aware enough to also contemplate the reasons behind the break is something I see as a sign of a new life. I am only so glad, finally and fully, to not be listed as one to be remembered. I now have a much deeper valuation of the sacrifices men have made to allow me this chance. And, now, family means that much more as well. I now honor the dead properly. Because of this, though, I also honor the living even more. Life is so precious and rare, I cannot help now but to see things differently, especially as I begin once again to live it.