.
.
I did get some of the calls completed yesterday. That was it. Today I did get to the storage shed and sorted a bit and re-ordered the thing. I had about 5 by 5 feet of free space, I now have more like 10 x 5, right down the middle. That should allow room for the weight bench and excercise machine when they are dismantled, plus a good little bit. I could make more room, though there are problems with stacking things too high. But, that was the thing that was holding a lot of this up. That and the internet. My ISP rep. said that would be connected Friday. No one needs to go and hook it up, which made me wonder why they cannot do it today. Though it is probably a switch panel somewhere and the techs, or secretaries for all I know, can only switch so many in one day, along with whatever else they do, and I was merely put on a list. Right behind breaks, chatting up the new hot secretary, and doing something on the computer they are not supposed to. Ha.
I might pay a bill or two tonight, maybe all three. I am considering how secure this machine is and how secure it needs to be. Though I would be all for someone hacking my account to pay my bill, the thing is there may be other information on my account which might help them pay their bill on my nickel. If I use the internet a great deal, I cannot trust it. I had considered getting a game system but have decided against it merely on the grounds that even those work on some kind of internet now. I simply do not wish to be connected in everything I do.
I dreamed though, again, last night. And I dreamed all night again. I know, they say the dreams are over quickly and all that, whatever. Though I do not think they have all that as down pat as they think, either. Here is a thought, you do realize every educated person was educated by someone, right? You realize no one is perfect right? You also must understand that data transmitted from one person to another is the surest way to corrupt information. Which means, like mercury in fish ends up at the highest levels in the biggest consumers, so to do errors collect the greatest in the most well educated. All I am saying is... enjoy your next doctor visit and pray you do not need an even more educated person to cut you open. Someday real doctors will ask what they barbarians were doing, and sort of chortle darkly about the grotesqueries of our "medical practices". Then again, if it is socialized, he will be saying that as he takes his next narcotic mix to stay awake for his 2nd 24 hour shift in transfiguritive maintenance (what used to be surgery), and checks his McDonald sized income online to make sure he has enough for more "snuff".
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Another night of dreaming.
.
.
Though it was difficult to get to sleep I slept well until this morning and the snooze dance. It seemed as though I dreamed the whole night, if nothing remains and they did not wake me. This morning, as the alarm was going off and I was hitting snooze, I remember looking at the clocks or watch and seeing as late as 16:00, so I know I was dream obsessing about the time. I had several dreams between snooze hits, but not every one. Though the phenomenon of not sensing time pass between hitting the snooze button as time did pass occurred again today. I am not tired, though, this morning.
I suspect I will be able to get some decent work completed today. I need to call the ISP service, make a payment on my vehicle, rearrange the utility shed, and pay my utilities and this rent. I think I can get that done too. Today is a better day. Oh, right. I washed all my shirts and then left them all over there. Ha, a nice clean shirt sounds really nice about now! I am hoping that a good hard days work will allow me to regain the edge regarding sleeping at night. I have not lost it, but dips that far off the norm to an already tipsy structure are dangerous to the fragile card game I play.
Well, I had better get off, tinker for a few hours to wake up, then get on the road. I will get this done. Have a great day!
.
Though it was difficult to get to sleep I slept well until this morning and the snooze dance. It seemed as though I dreamed the whole night, if nothing remains and they did not wake me. This morning, as the alarm was going off and I was hitting snooze, I remember looking at the clocks or watch and seeing as late as 16:00, so I know I was dream obsessing about the time. I had several dreams between snooze hits, but not every one. Though the phenomenon of not sensing time pass between hitting the snooze button as time did pass occurred again today. I am not tired, though, this morning.
I suspect I will be able to get some decent work completed today. I need to call the ISP service, make a payment on my vehicle, rearrange the utility shed, and pay my utilities and this rent. I think I can get that done too. Today is a better day. Oh, right. I washed all my shirts and then left them all over there. Ha, a nice clean shirt sounds really nice about now! I am hoping that a good hard days work will allow me to regain the edge regarding sleeping at night. I have not lost it, but dips that far off the norm to an already tipsy structure are dangerous to the fragile card game I play.
Well, I had better get off, tinker for a few hours to wake up, then get on the road. I will get this done. Have a great day!
Trouble sleeping.
.
.
It is the legs. They hurt, terribly, as if I had climbed a mountain. I have not done a thing in days which could have caused this. I think I am still dreaming a bunch and sometimes I get hurt or hurt myself in dreams. I am worried this will mess up my sleep cycle. I have worked so hard to bring that about. Well, we will see. I will try to sleep again, now. At least I have daylight savings time possibly helping me out. This is frustrating.
Sleep well!
.
It is the legs. They hurt, terribly, as if I had climbed a mountain. I have not done a thing in days which could have caused this. I think I am still dreaming a bunch and sometimes I get hurt or hurt myself in dreams. I am worried this will mess up my sleep cycle. I have worked so hard to bring that about. Well, we will see. I will try to sleep again, now. At least I have daylight savings time possibly helping me out. This is frustrating.
Sleep well!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Well, I did it.
.
.
I watched my first football game, or half of it. The Vikings versus the Packers. No, not alone. My former neighbor, Grumpy henceforth, called to remind me to turn my clocks back. So, I asked what he was doing. Football was on the tube, then racing. I told him I needed to get rid of some extra candy and if I could visit and watch. He was happily surprised and said, "Sure, come on over".
It was a good game and my team won. From back when I watched football I have three teams of acquaintance, the Broncos, Steelers, and Vikings. Two were from home states and one was just my pick. I also noticed that in spite of not watching for a long time, I still decried bad calls, chattered at my team when they seemed to fall asleep after half time almost to the point of tossing a 24 to 3 lead to a loss, and other common features of sports viewing. Odd how that came back so quickly.
Oh, it was not a great time or thing, but it was more social than, say, playing a game on the computer. It is a start. As I meet other people, perhaps I will be invited to watch other sports, or can do the same. I will need to get a t.v. guide to know what is playing. I only have the local channels though, so I am probably a bit limited. Still, it is another opportunity. I had thought I would not watch pro-ball, but life is what it is. Either you open the door and take what comes or you keep the door closed, I suppose. So it is, I would guess, if I begin to seriously look for a wife. Up to some point in any case.
Bit by bit, I am finding other ways to sneak out of my cave. I am learning to enter the daylight. And I am starting up some things that have been dormant for a while. All in good time. If my time is short, I will do the best with what I have that I am able. That capacity is growing exponentially here, rather than decreasing where I was though, leaves much room for serious potential. I am not, after all, quite dead yet. If still mostly dead, ala The Prince's Bride. Can I take the bitter pill for true love? What is the option? Ha!
.
I watched my first football game, or half of it. The Vikings versus the Packers. No, not alone. My former neighbor, Grumpy henceforth, called to remind me to turn my clocks back. So, I asked what he was doing. Football was on the tube, then racing. I told him I needed to get rid of some extra candy and if I could visit and watch. He was happily surprised and said, "Sure, come on over".
It was a good game and my team won. From back when I watched football I have three teams of acquaintance, the Broncos, Steelers, and Vikings. Two were from home states and one was just my pick. I also noticed that in spite of not watching for a long time, I still decried bad calls, chattered at my team when they seemed to fall asleep after half time almost to the point of tossing a 24 to 3 lead to a loss, and other common features of sports viewing. Odd how that came back so quickly.
Oh, it was not a great time or thing, but it was more social than, say, playing a game on the computer. It is a start. As I meet other people, perhaps I will be invited to watch other sports, or can do the same. I will need to get a t.v. guide to know what is playing. I only have the local channels though, so I am probably a bit limited. Still, it is another opportunity. I had thought I would not watch pro-ball, but life is what it is. Either you open the door and take what comes or you keep the door closed, I suppose. So it is, I would guess, if I begin to seriously look for a wife. Up to some point in any case.
Bit by bit, I am finding other ways to sneak out of my cave. I am learning to enter the daylight. And I am starting up some things that have been dormant for a while. All in good time. If my time is short, I will do the best with what I have that I am able. That capacity is growing exponentially here, rather than decreasing where I was though, leaves much room for serious potential. I am not, after all, quite dead yet. If still mostly dead, ala The Prince's Bride. Can I take the bitter pill for true love? What is the option? Ha!
Sunday thoughts.
.
.
I was just reading the bible when I remembered one of the points on the list of an atheist, a list which numbered his reasons not to believe. This particular reason regarded the notion that Christians, and other faithful, are subjected to indoctrination and to tactics which are quite possibly beyond conscious consideration. Of course, not only is this probably true, I have some hope that it is true. What I see is failed to be noted is that the author subjects himself to such scrutiny. He does not consider himself a part of or party to just such involvements.
As I said, beyond acknowledging that there are forces, both normative, conscious, unconscious, and what I term as spiritual or religious in nature as they have no physical or psychological basis, playing a part in faithful reverence, I accept, expect, and would be a bit saddened if these did not exist. But I go one step further and suggest that even atheists have these same influences which lead them to what they believe. Unless, of course, they are claiming that being an atheist means that they are better or more fully human. Or that those who believe simply are not human. Nietzsche, among others, believed in various forms of the Superman as well. If this is the case, I think I am dealing with psychosis, not merely a difference of opinion.
That was going on in the background, but a passage caught my attention as well, and as I continued reading, I had the one passage and the previous thought vying for space, weaving into what I was reading, and doing their own things. I can do that with more than that load, though prefer single mind loads usually. It does add to life though, especially when it works.
The passage that caught my imagination was when Jesus was visiting a pharisee's home for dinner. A woman washed His feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and kissed them continually. It seems when people thought Christ knew these thoughts as if they were spoken (another add to D.C.'s notion, if perhaps perfected). And so Jesus asked which of two servants who were forgiven large and small debts would love their master the more. The pharisee suggested it would be the latter. And so it was with the woman, who most likely the pharisee knew to be a prostitute or some such. She would be, and was, forgiven more than the pharisee, and by her exhibitions of love, she showed what He had led the pharisee to see.
My mind went to the women I have known, in the ways I have known them, and in the state of my mind and grace in which I have known them. I have believed, in loving some of the women I have loved, I have brought them out of deeper sin, namely that of "free love" and into a singular partnership. And, in this love I did forgive them a past of prostitution of sorts. No, that does not mean I am a confessor, I do not claim any rights as a priest, I only notice a secular similarity in action and life. I have to wonder, by that, if some of God and more so Christ, if it is by Jesus we get to the Father, lives in us naturally. Just a thought.
The bible does lead me to thoughts which, in many circumstances, might well be considered anathema to any well instructed parishioner or clergy, from any church. Some might make allowances for the fact of the type of life I was raised to live, as various churches allow for local or even the adaptation of pagan or other rituals into church services. Few would find themselves wholly able to see the simplicity of what Christ was saying to understand that, in some ways, through Him, even if blind to Him, he may still function quite soundly.
How does this all weave, if at all. I lost some of the weave, but this is the part I did not lose, and going back to the atheist... If he should ever ask me what would satisfy me regarding his life given my Catholicity at this point, it would be this. Simply to love, with all his heart, each man and woman he should come in contact with. Not sexual love, not simple love though that is an aspect of it. But a respectful admiration for that being as they love themselves, even or more importantly the people that are difficult to love, or those who do not return love. That is the most important thing. Though I would go on to suggest that if he does not know God, he does know right and wrong. To do the best he can and to have guilt when he knows he has done wrong and to try to amend wrongs were possible and to attempt to not repeat them as well.
There is a place and a hope for even the blind. It is my contention that the church offers a clearer way to heaven than any other form. I contend that the Catholic Church offers a manner of worshiping God which I believe to be most right to my senses. And I do wonder if not worshiping in this manner is risky. But if there is hope, for those who cannot see or will not see, it is as I have said. Will I get stoned in the morning for this? (No work on Sundays for the strongly dogmatic, remember!)
If you differ or agree, do not be afraid to speak up. Who knows, if you have some evidence otherwise, I would gladly look at it. Even if you simply feel differently, you are quite welcome to debate. But my mind weave sort of created this, so I wanted to... share it.
.
I was just reading the bible when I remembered one of the points on the list of an atheist, a list which numbered his reasons not to believe. This particular reason regarded the notion that Christians, and other faithful, are subjected to indoctrination and to tactics which are quite possibly beyond conscious consideration. Of course, not only is this probably true, I have some hope that it is true. What I see is failed to be noted is that the author subjects himself to such scrutiny. He does not consider himself a part of or party to just such involvements.
As I said, beyond acknowledging that there are forces, both normative, conscious, unconscious, and what I term as spiritual or religious in nature as they have no physical or psychological basis, playing a part in faithful reverence, I accept, expect, and would be a bit saddened if these did not exist. But I go one step further and suggest that even atheists have these same influences which lead them to what they believe. Unless, of course, they are claiming that being an atheist means that they are better or more fully human. Or that those who believe simply are not human. Nietzsche, among others, believed in various forms of the Superman as well. If this is the case, I think I am dealing with psychosis, not merely a difference of opinion.
That was going on in the background, but a passage caught my attention as well, and as I continued reading, I had the one passage and the previous thought vying for space, weaving into what I was reading, and doing their own things. I can do that with more than that load, though prefer single mind loads usually. It does add to life though, especially when it works.
The passage that caught my imagination was when Jesus was visiting a pharisee's home for dinner. A woman washed His feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and kissed them continually. It seems when people thought Christ knew these thoughts as if they were spoken (another add to D.C.'s notion, if perhaps perfected). And so Jesus asked which of two servants who were forgiven large and small debts would love their master the more. The pharisee suggested it would be the latter. And so it was with the woman, who most likely the pharisee knew to be a prostitute or some such. She would be, and was, forgiven more than the pharisee, and by her exhibitions of love, she showed what He had led the pharisee to see.
My mind went to the women I have known, in the ways I have known them, and in the state of my mind and grace in which I have known them. I have believed, in loving some of the women I have loved, I have brought them out of deeper sin, namely that of "free love" and into a singular partnership. And, in this love I did forgive them a past of prostitution of sorts. No, that does not mean I am a confessor, I do not claim any rights as a priest, I only notice a secular similarity in action and life. I have to wonder, by that, if some of God and more so Christ, if it is by Jesus we get to the Father, lives in us naturally. Just a thought.
The bible does lead me to thoughts which, in many circumstances, might well be considered anathema to any well instructed parishioner or clergy, from any church. Some might make allowances for the fact of the type of life I was raised to live, as various churches allow for local or even the adaptation of pagan or other rituals into church services. Few would find themselves wholly able to see the simplicity of what Christ was saying to understand that, in some ways, through Him, even if blind to Him, he may still function quite soundly.
How does this all weave, if at all. I lost some of the weave, but this is the part I did not lose, and going back to the atheist... If he should ever ask me what would satisfy me regarding his life given my Catholicity at this point, it would be this. Simply to love, with all his heart, each man and woman he should come in contact with. Not sexual love, not simple love though that is an aspect of it. But a respectful admiration for that being as they love themselves, even or more importantly the people that are difficult to love, or those who do not return love. That is the most important thing. Though I would go on to suggest that if he does not know God, he does know right and wrong. To do the best he can and to have guilt when he knows he has done wrong and to try to amend wrongs were possible and to attempt to not repeat them as well.
There is a place and a hope for even the blind. It is my contention that the church offers a clearer way to heaven than any other form. I contend that the Catholic Church offers a manner of worshiping God which I believe to be most right to my senses. And I do wonder if not worshiping in this manner is risky. But if there is hope, for those who cannot see or will not see, it is as I have said. Will I get stoned in the morning for this? (No work on Sundays for the strongly dogmatic, remember!)
If you differ or agree, do not be afraid to speak up. Who knows, if you have some evidence otherwise, I would gladly look at it. Even if you simply feel differently, you are quite welcome to debate. But my mind weave sort of created this, so I wanted to... share it.
While waking up, I was thinking.
.
.
On one blog or another, just the other day, I read that listening to the Beatles in this day and age is not cool. No problem. I buy that. Further, listening to anything does not make one "cool". Unless you are in your vehicle driving on a cold night with the windows down and you are susceptible to the cold. Listening to loud music, or what passes for it, does not make you cool. As a fact, nothing can make you cool. If we accept that there is something, other than temperature, given over to the term cool (which itself is a bit dated at this time), and that this term relates to how one is viewed in society, I think we can also go on and say that this nature which relates to the secondary meaning of cool is probably not something one can buy, exhibit consciously, or craft in a genuine manner. To my understanding, people are either cool or they are not cool as a state of existence. Further, any belief in what is cool is as temporary as fashion. And a step further, sometimes to not be cool is cool all by itself. Nothing note worthy, just clearing my own baffles on the notion. How cool was that? Oh, and one more thing, at past 40, I care about being cool about as much as I care about being hip or in fashion. As another abused term goes, eat me. (slow cooked, in spite of the marbling, I am probably rather tough and gamy) *grimace*
I have noted some differences here, both from Iowa and from my native (if wrongheaded) ways. People here are much less into themselves and quite a bit less grandiose in showing their choices or ways. Now, I could debate this, and suggest "This is America, I will do as I wish". But I will not. I moved here to enjoy the good fruits of the social, moral, and legal labors done here, the low crime rate, the idea that freedom comes with responsibility mantra, and the simpler and more real life that this area offers. To that end, it behooves me to take a hint and join the club. That means, for me, it is time to make some personal changes. To that end, my car stereo needs to be turned down. I have done that to some degree, but I noted that at even 12 to 16 on my stereo volume, with the windows up, the sound can be heard plainly outside of my vehicle. I do not hear other stereos often, so I am going to need to experiment and fix that. I used to listen to it as loud as 18 to 22, sometimes even 26, though the system will crank to 30 or more without distortion. Times have changed and I need to begin fitting in. I am also looking at other customs and norms. It really is not about me or what I want.
This, of course, leads me to consider just how much of my life is my own in just such a setting. Am I to completely socialize and just find a complete list of norms and lead my life around that? Do I arbitrarily pick which of those things on the list I wish to abide? As is, as I notice things, I begin to incorporate them, which means I have seen no literal list to date. I have seen disapproval regarding certain choices by certain people. But that is too random to call normal. This one might be Mormon, this one might be a strong Mormon, this one fallen away, that one might be Catholic with the same possibilities as the Mormons, this one might be Jewish or Hindu. These may be the norms of a woman, this one of a man, this one of that age, this one of the new age. No, it is not to be found in individuals, that is a never ending losing game. However, I think there is something to be found as a source.
Just recently, Desert Cat in comments, noted that there seems to be a connection among people. That connection is part of why night people love nights. The theory goes that at night we psychicly 'rub elbows' a lot less frequently. I might even add to that by saying if that is true then maybe those who live nights are more mentally guarded, further lowering the chances of a meeting of the minds. People at night more closely secret their thoughts, whether it is because they are hunters or prey of whatever kind. And, I believe there is something to this. What does this all mean to someone who wishes to join in the day club and become a more full member of the society which exists in it?
It means that there is a list, but it is not written down or otherwise ennumbered. Whether it is seen in the general behavoir patterns or whether it is transmitted to the senses in other ways, the list is available. In a more chaotic "multi-cultural" environment, no single pattern emerges. Here, that is not the case. There is a very strong main channel. It is clear and present. There are variations, certain allowances, and room for individuality. Compared to the chaos of a dozen channels though, it is simple and solid and majority.
I can use this clear channel here. It is a moral channel, a socially positive channel, and a family channel. Not all of it works with my particular situation and who I am, but a large majority of it already does or could do so. I will have to personalize it, though everyone on the channel does. I suppose for me, that is what I felt when I first came here. This reminds me of the Iowa of my youth. This is why I felt like I had stepped back in time. This is a huge small town, "hung up" on living right, working hard, and getting real things done in a timely fashion. Beyond being broken, atm, and being what else I am, I can never fully fit in. I am not capable of joining the herd. But if I trust the herd, I can be much more comfortable in and around it. I have even noted that, if to a lesser degree, there are more like me here. When half the population is wolves, no sheep dog is willing to do too much, the herd must tend itself. Some sheep dogs even turn to warring against the herd, either losing their balance or just giving in to their lusts. But when there are few wolves and a herd which prefers righteousness, sheepdogs again have a place and will fill it and step up. That is this place.
.
On one blog or another, just the other day, I read that listening to the Beatles in this day and age is not cool. No problem. I buy that. Further, listening to anything does not make one "cool". Unless you are in your vehicle driving on a cold night with the windows down and you are susceptible to the cold. Listening to loud music, or what passes for it, does not make you cool. As a fact, nothing can make you cool. If we accept that there is something, other than temperature, given over to the term cool (which itself is a bit dated at this time), and that this term relates to how one is viewed in society, I think we can also go on and say that this nature which relates to the secondary meaning of cool is probably not something one can buy, exhibit consciously, or craft in a genuine manner. To my understanding, people are either cool or they are not cool as a state of existence. Further, any belief in what is cool is as temporary as fashion. And a step further, sometimes to not be cool is cool all by itself. Nothing note worthy, just clearing my own baffles on the notion. How cool was that? Oh, and one more thing, at past 40, I care about being cool about as much as I care about being hip or in fashion. As another abused term goes, eat me. (slow cooked, in spite of the marbling, I am probably rather tough and gamy) *grimace*
I have noted some differences here, both from Iowa and from my native (if wrongheaded) ways. People here are much less into themselves and quite a bit less grandiose in showing their choices or ways. Now, I could debate this, and suggest "This is America, I will do as I wish". But I will not. I moved here to enjoy the good fruits of the social, moral, and legal labors done here, the low crime rate, the idea that freedom comes with responsibility mantra, and the simpler and more real life that this area offers. To that end, it behooves me to take a hint and join the club. That means, for me, it is time to make some personal changes. To that end, my car stereo needs to be turned down. I have done that to some degree, but I noted that at even 12 to 16 on my stereo volume, with the windows up, the sound can be heard plainly outside of my vehicle. I do not hear other stereos often, so I am going to need to experiment and fix that. I used to listen to it as loud as 18 to 22, sometimes even 26, though the system will crank to 30 or more without distortion. Times have changed and I need to begin fitting in. I am also looking at other customs and norms. It really is not about me or what I want.
This, of course, leads me to consider just how much of my life is my own in just such a setting. Am I to completely socialize and just find a complete list of norms and lead my life around that? Do I arbitrarily pick which of those things on the list I wish to abide? As is, as I notice things, I begin to incorporate them, which means I have seen no literal list to date. I have seen disapproval regarding certain choices by certain people. But that is too random to call normal. This one might be Mormon, this one might be a strong Mormon, this one fallen away, that one might be Catholic with the same possibilities as the Mormons, this one might be Jewish or Hindu. These may be the norms of a woman, this one of a man, this one of that age, this one of the new age. No, it is not to be found in individuals, that is a never ending losing game. However, I think there is something to be found as a source.
Just recently, Desert Cat in comments, noted that there seems to be a connection among people. That connection is part of why night people love nights. The theory goes that at night we psychicly 'rub elbows' a lot less frequently. I might even add to that by saying if that is true then maybe those who live nights are more mentally guarded, further lowering the chances of a meeting of the minds. People at night more closely secret their thoughts, whether it is because they are hunters or prey of whatever kind. And, I believe there is something to this. What does this all mean to someone who wishes to join in the day club and become a more full member of the society which exists in it?
It means that there is a list, but it is not written down or otherwise ennumbered. Whether it is seen in the general behavoir patterns or whether it is transmitted to the senses in other ways, the list is available. In a more chaotic "multi-cultural" environment, no single pattern emerges. Here, that is not the case. There is a very strong main channel. It is clear and present. There are variations, certain allowances, and room for individuality. Compared to the chaos of a dozen channels though, it is simple and solid and majority.
I can use this clear channel here. It is a moral channel, a socially positive channel, and a family channel. Not all of it works with my particular situation and who I am, but a large majority of it already does or could do so. I will have to personalize it, though everyone on the channel does. I suppose for me, that is what I felt when I first came here. This reminds me of the Iowa of my youth. This is why I felt like I had stepped back in time. This is a huge small town, "hung up" on living right, working hard, and getting real things done in a timely fashion. Beyond being broken, atm, and being what else I am, I can never fully fit in. I am not capable of joining the herd. But if I trust the herd, I can be much more comfortable in and around it. I have even noted that, if to a lesser degree, there are more like me here. When half the population is wolves, no sheep dog is willing to do too much, the herd must tend itself. Some sheep dogs even turn to warring against the herd, either losing their balance or just giving in to their lusts. But when there are few wolves and a herd which prefers righteousness, sheepdogs again have a place and will fill it and step up. That is this place.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
A little bit.
.
.
I was able to pack a load into the vehicle, but decided to go shooting with my friend first. The Henry is incredibly accurate at this point. I was targeting flattened shotgun shells at 50ft and more, lying on their sides. My only problem was that I could not always find them after I shot them between one and three times. I shot a few of my friend's pistols as well. Oh, and after packing up my 800 rounds of .45, 700 rounds of .22, 100 rounds of AK ammo, and some other ammunition into one smaller box, I realize he must have 10k rounds or more of .45. Who knows how many .38/.357 and 9mm he has. They each fit in separate boxes that were 3 to 4 times as big as the box I put my ammo in. Oh, his sister has invited us to Thanksgiving dinner! How nice! He is such a cuss sometimes, he said he might not be able to make it if there were no mashed potatoes. hehe
We stopped at the grocery store on the way home, so I bought candy. Enough for a small army of kids. Then went the new place to wait. I might have gotten there and turned on the light too late, though it may be the cul-de-sac which limited the number of kids. I did see some, and enjoyed. No one cried this year, but a few just stood their and stared for... a long time. Yeah, okay, kids are cute. Shut up.
I unpacked the load I had, took some groceries in, and watched some Hallowe'en stuff, Vincent Price, you should know. I thought about reading, but that is difficult while trying to be ready to answer the door, so t.v. it was. They left their t.v. and it is hooked to a cable box and antenna. I will not be watching it much. Though I am thinking about trying to get into football a bit, if I can stomach it. Not pro-football, not after Rush, but college football. Merely to sort of be social. It has something to do with what Confucius said, going to the temple and all, as a non-believer, for social comportment. Give or take. I some times think I make this stuff up, but then, so did he. Ha!
It is about time to goof and then sleep. I hope your Hallowe'en was fun, social, scary, or... something. Sleep well, and if you should have scary dreams, I hope you may enjoy them for that. Good night!
.
I was able to pack a load into the vehicle, but decided to go shooting with my friend first. The Henry is incredibly accurate at this point. I was targeting flattened shotgun shells at 50ft and more, lying on their sides. My only problem was that I could not always find them after I shot them between one and three times. I shot a few of my friend's pistols as well. Oh, and after packing up my 800 rounds of .45, 700 rounds of .22, 100 rounds of AK ammo, and some other ammunition into one smaller box, I realize he must have 10k rounds or more of .45. Who knows how many .38/.357 and 9mm he has. They each fit in separate boxes that were 3 to 4 times as big as the box I put my ammo in. Oh, his sister has invited us to Thanksgiving dinner! How nice! He is such a cuss sometimes, he said he might not be able to make it if there were no mashed potatoes. hehe
We stopped at the grocery store on the way home, so I bought candy. Enough for a small army of kids. Then went the new place to wait. I might have gotten there and turned on the light too late, though it may be the cul-de-sac which limited the number of kids. I did see some, and enjoyed. No one cried this year, but a few just stood their and stared for... a long time. Yeah, okay, kids are cute. Shut up.
I unpacked the load I had, took some groceries in, and watched some Hallowe'en stuff, Vincent Price, you should know. I thought about reading, but that is difficult while trying to be ready to answer the door, so t.v. it was. They left their t.v. and it is hooked to a cable box and antenna. I will not be watching it much. Though I am thinking about trying to get into football a bit, if I can stomach it. Not pro-football, not after Rush, but college football. Merely to sort of be social. It has something to do with what Confucius said, going to the temple and all, as a non-believer, for social comportment. Give or take. I some times think I make this stuff up, but then, so did he. Ha!
It is about time to goof and then sleep. I hope your Hallowe'en was fun, social, scary, or... something. Sleep well, and if you should have scary dreams, I hope you may enjoy them for that. Good night!
Nearly 13:00 and all is well if nothing was done.
.
.
Okay, I have just enough time to shower and take a load over. But I have been dawdling. The afternoon seems to be my better production time. Though if the world was functional at night (think classes), I would leave days to the living dead... or, other living dead. Ha! Zombies. :P
Seriously though, night has an elegance and quiet that the sun cannot produce. Fat, skinny, ugly, bold, whatever, it does not matter at night. Though darkness cures nothing, it merely cloaks one a bit and allows minor or major flaws to be less visible. It also works to weaken and minimize any artificial strengths, such as beauty or charm. It acts as an brutal equalizer of sorts. Further, my eyes work better at night than most people, far better. I sense and see. There is more, including the fact that I am simply somehow more comfortable at night. People seem to be less rushed, more careful, and speak more gently, if often more wickedly. If night may attract evil, it is holy in some ways too. To my knowledge, I have always preferred the night, and for the most part understood these things.
Some people are drawn to the night for nefarious reasons. I am not among these. Yet I maintain a presence which keeps me safer at night, even among some of the worst sorts. I have been told I give off the essence of a dead knight or something. You know how some of these people speak. The woman went on to say I seem to present absolute naivete, perhaps innocence, somehow wrapped in the strength or nature to create horror even to the terrible. I am not certain I completely follow, or know where she was coming from. But I do like the notion so far as I understand it. And, I would guess she is correct, if she did not know why. I know why, if I understood the simple form of the notion, and am finally completely comfortable with it.
Still, real life is for the daytime. And, to that end, I have been working hard this summer and fall and then on into winter as that begins by weather if not by strict date. My nighttime nature is not so well established during the day, the dread of night and the mystery of dark does not offer the viewers mind or my appearance or actions the extensions necessary, and yet some of it remains to those who are on their toes. Some still see, the criminal type see it very plainly all of the time, I am a real danger to them. It is not my size, it is my awareness, intent, and nature somehow, that bothers them. Though that is not necessary to me. Getting into college, learning a real profession, and being a part of society is what I seek. I am secure enough in my faith and myself through faith and fist, that I do not need enhancements. I am hoping, if all works out, that this aspect will just be an accepted part of me in a larger community. Perhaps even an appreciated aspect to those who are relatively right minded but weak of flesh.
So, days it is. After fumbling over heat, medicine, contractions from running out of medicine, the initial cold, and then the darkening days, I am finally back to days. For the last two weeks, the latest I have awaken is 10:20, though under very unusual circumstances. Other than that, 9:00 is the latest on two days, 8:00 on another two or three days, and 7:20 or early the rest of the time. Becoming used to days again is sort of like learning to ride a bike after not having done so for years or longer. I know how to manipulate the night, to craft it and me in it, to some level of surety. Days... Cats sleep days because their senses and other abilities are hindered by them. To some degree, I am with them. Still, my stay here in Utah has given me great hope at turning this around. Even with the stumbles, and short falls, I have been able to get up and go at it again and quickly.
Perhaps I have a chance at leaving the fictions and notions of considerations of the lost and folding my night cloak away for good or for some time where it might be needed again. So I will fold it with a bit of respect, proper ghosty moth balls, and a surety that it will be there if needed or wanted again. Well, that is as Hallowe'en as I get. Boo!
.
Okay, I have just enough time to shower and take a load over. But I have been dawdling. The afternoon seems to be my better production time. Though if the world was functional at night (think classes), I would leave days to the living dead... or, other living dead. Ha! Zombies. :P
Seriously though, night has an elegance and quiet that the sun cannot produce. Fat, skinny, ugly, bold, whatever, it does not matter at night. Though darkness cures nothing, it merely cloaks one a bit and allows minor or major flaws to be less visible. It also works to weaken and minimize any artificial strengths, such as beauty or charm. It acts as an brutal equalizer of sorts. Further, my eyes work better at night than most people, far better. I sense and see. There is more, including the fact that I am simply somehow more comfortable at night. People seem to be less rushed, more careful, and speak more gently, if often more wickedly. If night may attract evil, it is holy in some ways too. To my knowledge, I have always preferred the night, and for the most part understood these things.
Some people are drawn to the night for nefarious reasons. I am not among these. Yet I maintain a presence which keeps me safer at night, even among some of the worst sorts. I have been told I give off the essence of a dead knight or something. You know how some of these people speak. The woman went on to say I seem to present absolute naivete, perhaps innocence, somehow wrapped in the strength or nature to create horror even to the terrible. I am not certain I completely follow, or know where she was coming from. But I do like the notion so far as I understand it. And, I would guess she is correct, if she did not know why. I know why, if I understood the simple form of the notion, and am finally completely comfortable with it.
Still, real life is for the daytime. And, to that end, I have been working hard this summer and fall and then on into winter as that begins by weather if not by strict date. My nighttime nature is not so well established during the day, the dread of night and the mystery of dark does not offer the viewers mind or my appearance or actions the extensions necessary, and yet some of it remains to those who are on their toes. Some still see, the criminal type see it very plainly all of the time, I am a real danger to them. It is not my size, it is my awareness, intent, and nature somehow, that bothers them. Though that is not necessary to me. Getting into college, learning a real profession, and being a part of society is what I seek. I am secure enough in my faith and myself through faith and fist, that I do not need enhancements. I am hoping, if all works out, that this aspect will just be an accepted part of me in a larger community. Perhaps even an appreciated aspect to those who are relatively right minded but weak of flesh.
So, days it is. After fumbling over heat, medicine, contractions from running out of medicine, the initial cold, and then the darkening days, I am finally back to days. For the last two weeks, the latest I have awaken is 10:20, though under very unusual circumstances. Other than that, 9:00 is the latest on two days, 8:00 on another two or three days, and 7:20 or early the rest of the time. Becoming used to days again is sort of like learning to ride a bike after not having done so for years or longer. I know how to manipulate the night, to craft it and me in it, to some level of surety. Days... Cats sleep days because their senses and other abilities are hindered by them. To some degree, I am with them. Still, my stay here in Utah has given me great hope at turning this around. Even with the stumbles, and short falls, I have been able to get up and go at it again and quickly.
Perhaps I have a chance at leaving the fictions and notions of considerations of the lost and folding my night cloak away for good or for some time where it might be needed again. So I will fold it with a bit of respect, proper ghosty moth balls, and a surety that it will be there if needed or wanted again. Well, that is as Hallowe'en as I get. Boo!
Awake.
.
.
Still dreaming though. Last night was another dream-fest. I do not remember, precisely, how many dreams I had and I remember none of them well enough to document here. It felt as if I dreamed pretty much all night though, if none of them woke me. At least I am not too tired this morning, just the normal waking up thing. And, I do want to wake up and get another load or two over, as my ex-neighbor suggested we go shooting today around 13:00, though I suggested more like 14:00. I am sort of curious if he will call at 13:00 anyway. He has his own mind and it works his own way. Well, okay, who does not? Ha!
A few things, spots, and pieces at a time, the apartment is coming down and the move is coming together. It may be dry enough later this evening or tomorrow to do some straightening in the storage unit. I would like to move most of the boxes out and fit the weight equipment in back, along with the dismantled weight bench and setup device. Hmm, might take the set up device to the new place though... That would make things a lot easier... Bother, I will figure it out.
There are a bunch of things I would like to buy this month, but I will be holding off greatly until I sort out my financial dealings. But with nothing ending up as it should, I simply can never be certain where I am. I feel like one of those punching bags. Until things get much more sorted, I am walking on a financial frozen lake, with a little water on top. That is how it feels anyway. It is, mostly, doable, if a little uncomfortable and risky to be certain. The 'shore' is just... over... careful!... there...
.
Still dreaming though. Last night was another dream-fest. I do not remember, precisely, how many dreams I had and I remember none of them well enough to document here. It felt as if I dreamed pretty much all night though, if none of them woke me. At least I am not too tired this morning, just the normal waking up thing. And, I do want to wake up and get another load or two over, as my ex-neighbor suggested we go shooting today around 13:00, though I suggested more like 14:00. I am sort of curious if he will call at 13:00 anyway. He has his own mind and it works his own way. Well, okay, who does not? Ha!
A few things, spots, and pieces at a time, the apartment is coming down and the move is coming together. It may be dry enough later this evening or tomorrow to do some straightening in the storage unit. I would like to move most of the boxes out and fit the weight equipment in back, along with the dismantled weight bench and setup device. Hmm, might take the set up device to the new place though... That would make things a lot easier... Bother, I will figure it out.
There are a bunch of things I would like to buy this month, but I will be holding off greatly until I sort out my financial dealings. But with nothing ending up as it should, I simply can never be certain where I am. I feel like one of those punching bags. Until things get much more sorted, I am walking on a financial frozen lake, with a little water on top. That is how it feels anyway. It is, mostly, doable, if a little uncomfortable and risky to be certain. The 'shore' is just... over... careful!... there...
Friday, October 30, 2009
Almost an oops.
.
.
After putting the final load in the dryer and coming back to the apartment to begin sorting, tossing, and maybe loading, I figured I was finished with the new place. I did do some sorting, tossing, and loading, and so decided to take a load over. It is a very good thing I did. The dryer is a gas dryer, and a little older. On the first load I set it to auto-dry, more. And it worked fine, so that when I checked on it, the machine had stopped and the clothes were simply dry. This last load I did the same thing, only it did not stop. If I had not gone over to check on it, there might have been a problem, a big problem. Now I know.
Bit by bit, everything is coming together for the move. I will not be able to get call utilities until Monday, though there are few moving in at this time of year so perhaps they can have someone over there sooner than a week or two. Having internet would facilitate a quicker complete move. Yes, I am addicted. *clickety-clack clickety-clack* *bonk* Well, maybe not as bad as I have been. Those games used to Pwn me, too. Now I only play one, and then only a few hours a day at most, and not even consecutive hours usually. But blogging and sometimes research can eat vast amounts of my time if I am not careful. That is, of course, if I can awaken enough to focus on longer posts, or more in-depth posts. Damned if I do and, damned if I... huh? Never mind.
.
After putting the final load in the dryer and coming back to the apartment to begin sorting, tossing, and maybe loading, I figured I was finished with the new place. I did do some sorting, tossing, and loading, and so decided to take a load over. It is a very good thing I did. The dryer is a gas dryer, and a little older. On the first load I set it to auto-dry, more. And it worked fine, so that when I checked on it, the machine had stopped and the clothes were simply dry. This last load I did the same thing, only it did not stop. If I had not gone over to check on it, there might have been a problem, a big problem. Now I know.
Bit by bit, everything is coming together for the move. I will not be able to get call utilities until Monday, though there are few moving in at this time of year so perhaps they can have someone over there sooner than a week or two. Having internet would facilitate a quicker complete move. Yes, I am addicted. *clickety-clack clickety-clack* *bonk* Well, maybe not as bad as I have been. Those games used to Pwn me, too. Now I only play one, and then only a few hours a day at most, and not even consecutive hours usually. But blogging and sometimes research can eat vast amounts of my time if I am not careful. That is, of course, if I can awaken enough to focus on longer posts, or more in-depth posts. Damned if I do and, damned if I... huh? Never mind.
I am in.
.
.
My second load of laundry is going. While I was doing that, I did a private tour of the house. If I needed storage, it would be there. I really like the design of the house. It might be tight with more than a wife and two children. At four children a new place would be a must. But for a bachelor or the couple who owns it, it is very nicely sized. One might even call it a castle, with little hideouts, nooks here and there, and an interesting number of comfortable places to settle. I also read what the husband wrote regarding why he does not believe. I was hoping for something unique. It is the standard line, which is fine.
My money is in, but in the old bank. I am going to make some calls Monday and find out what is happening with this. I received a notice from the social security administration that my new address has been noted and that I only need to respond if the data is incorrect. Well, it is now, but that will take time to correct. They know, from my change of bank attempt, where I live and where I bank. I have heard nothing from the V.A., though I am in the V.A. system here, which means nothing regarding where my check goes. Foolishness, how many forms must I fill out and how long does it really take? Oh, I should write return to sender on the medicine and send it back too. That, at least, was only a month and a half late, if simply too late at that.
It looks like they have all the cooking essentials, and eating essentials, though I will take my 8 quart and cast iron pan. I will get a screen for the pan though. I simply had no place to conveniently store it in this apartment. There was simply no room. Seriously shorted on storage and simply any type of kitchen space made even attempting to sort things out well here difficult. To that end, I will go shopping this evening. I still have two big packages of venison in the freezer. But I like to spread those out, they are precious and few. My former neighbor's sister did indicate that should I wish for more, especially since hunting season was coming up, to let her know! I think she was pleased to be rid of it. If her men did well, getting both an elk and a deer, I might be in for some nice vitals. Still, I like my fattened meats too.
It is all business right now. I hope to have most things out by Saturday, so that I can vacuum and then clean the carpet, and some last bits of work. Oh, calling utilities about transferring the internet service. And, that may mean some phone line work. Who knows. Well, I best get back to it, whatever it is I am doing. Phone call first! I need to put a stop on a bank thing.
.
My second load of laundry is going. While I was doing that, I did a private tour of the house. If I needed storage, it would be there. I really like the design of the house. It might be tight with more than a wife and two children. At four children a new place would be a must. But for a bachelor or the couple who owns it, it is very nicely sized. One might even call it a castle, with little hideouts, nooks here and there, and an interesting number of comfortable places to settle. I also read what the husband wrote regarding why he does not believe. I was hoping for something unique. It is the standard line, which is fine.
My money is in, but in the old bank. I am going to make some calls Monday and find out what is happening with this. I received a notice from the social security administration that my new address has been noted and that I only need to respond if the data is incorrect. Well, it is now, but that will take time to correct. They know, from my change of bank attempt, where I live and where I bank. I have heard nothing from the V.A., though I am in the V.A. system here, which means nothing regarding where my check goes. Foolishness, how many forms must I fill out and how long does it really take? Oh, I should write return to sender on the medicine and send it back too. That, at least, was only a month and a half late, if simply too late at that.
It looks like they have all the cooking essentials, and eating essentials, though I will take my 8 quart and cast iron pan. I will get a screen for the pan though. I simply had no place to conveniently store it in this apartment. There was simply no room. Seriously shorted on storage and simply any type of kitchen space made even attempting to sort things out well here difficult. To that end, I will go shopping this evening. I still have two big packages of venison in the freezer. But I like to spread those out, they are precious and few. My former neighbor's sister did indicate that should I wish for more, especially since hunting season was coming up, to let her know! I think she was pleased to be rid of it. If her men did well, getting both an elk and a deer, I might be in for some nice vitals. Still, I like my fattened meats too.
It is all business right now. I hope to have most things out by Saturday, so that I can vacuum and then clean the carpet, and some last bits of work. Oh, calling utilities about transferring the internet service. And, that may mean some phone line work. Who knows. Well, I best get back to it, whatever it is I am doing. Phone call first! I need to put a stop on a bank thing.
A better sleep.
.
.
I do remember dreaming again last night, but only three times and nothing major. Two of them involved talking to someone at the VA regarding things I have already written here. I cannot remember the third one, or even those first two, in much detail. None of them woke me and I was able to get out of bed ahead of the alarm clock, I think? I might have set it at 8:00. No matter.
Here I am at nearly noon, but I am ready to begin moving a few things over after a quick shower. I notice that when I do not eat meat my teeth feel grungy all the time. Meat seems to be good for me however I get it. I have been eating beans and rice a goodly bit. Pretty much just as is. Reheating it in a pan, with milk, really enriches it. Adding butter to it when it is finished also adds a good little bit of flavor. Though I have found that merely heating it with water and salting works quite well too. I will probably get cheese and add that in from time to time. Yes, I know, things that simply will not be available in a worst case scenario (unless one has cattle, or... goats). Then again, I am not absolutely sure one can fully plan for a worst case scenario. Actually, is the worst case scenario not the one in which you die a needless and useless death anyway, no matter the cause? hehe Just saying. Though if that is true, being good with God is about as good as it gets.
Moving today, laundry while I am at it, getting rid of things that I do not need, should have been tossed long ago, or which I no longer need, and finding out if they mind if I leave the microwave and a few other useful household goods. Some people truly have nothing when they move in. I should see if my money has arrived as well, just to know. I looked over my bank statement last night, but I was so tired it did not really make sense. I need to get a pen and paper and look things over. It would be nice to figure out what I need to cook in the new place too, and then hit the store if the money is in, and I have what I need. Beans and rice are fine, t.v. dinners can scratch an itch or fill a void, but I do like to cook two or three times a week, and with meats anyway, have some leftovers. Meat equals good, veggies are a rough tenth on my need scale, right behind seriously looking at mansions or expensive European cars to buy I think. Well, so I am still 10 years old this way perhaps. And I do try to put something green or red or such on a plate a few times a week.
I also received an information and request for information form for college through the USU's VA Voc. Rehab lady. I will have to sit down with that as well and figure out what is going on with that, who I need to speak with, and where I need to go to locate that person or those people. I had meant to have this done at this point, to some degree. I think I was holding my breath about when I was going to get to move in, if this apartment would be rented, and a few other things. When a bunch of large 'maybes' hit me all at once, I seem to freeze. Probably for too long of a period. I guess I can only take just so much drama and then I need quiet.
Well, time to get at it. Perhaps a little bit to feed my needs first, and then into the shower, some clothes, and out the doorway. What an odd little dream I live. Is any of it really real? Would I be able to tell, and if I could and the answer was negative... what, precisely, would I do about it. Nothing beats stalling like procrastination!
Have a great day!
.
I do remember dreaming again last night, but only three times and nothing major. Two of them involved talking to someone at the VA regarding things I have already written here. I cannot remember the third one, or even those first two, in much detail. None of them woke me and I was able to get out of bed ahead of the alarm clock, I think? I might have set it at 8:00. No matter.
Here I am at nearly noon, but I am ready to begin moving a few things over after a quick shower. I notice that when I do not eat meat my teeth feel grungy all the time. Meat seems to be good for me however I get it. I have been eating beans and rice a goodly bit. Pretty much just as is. Reheating it in a pan, with milk, really enriches it. Adding butter to it when it is finished also adds a good little bit of flavor. Though I have found that merely heating it with water and salting works quite well too. I will probably get cheese and add that in from time to time. Yes, I know, things that simply will not be available in a worst case scenario (unless one has cattle, or... goats). Then again, I am not absolutely sure one can fully plan for a worst case scenario. Actually, is the worst case scenario not the one in which you die a needless and useless death anyway, no matter the cause? hehe Just saying. Though if that is true, being good with God is about as good as it gets.
Moving today, laundry while I am at it, getting rid of things that I do not need, should have been tossed long ago, or which I no longer need, and finding out if they mind if I leave the microwave and a few other useful household goods. Some people truly have nothing when they move in. I should see if my money has arrived as well, just to know. I looked over my bank statement last night, but I was so tired it did not really make sense. I need to get a pen and paper and look things over. It would be nice to figure out what I need to cook in the new place too, and then hit the store if the money is in, and I have what I need. Beans and rice are fine, t.v. dinners can scratch an itch or fill a void, but I do like to cook two or three times a week, and with meats anyway, have some leftovers. Meat equals good, veggies are a rough tenth on my need scale, right behind seriously looking at mansions or expensive European cars to buy I think. Well, so I am still 10 years old this way perhaps. And I do try to put something green or red or such on a plate a few times a week.
I also received an information and request for information form for college through the USU's VA Voc. Rehab lady. I will have to sit down with that as well and figure out what is going on with that, who I need to speak with, and where I need to go to locate that person or those people. I had meant to have this done at this point, to some degree. I think I was holding my breath about when I was going to get to move in, if this apartment would be rented, and a few other things. When a bunch of large 'maybes' hit me all at once, I seem to freeze. Probably for too long of a period. I guess I can only take just so much drama and then I need quiet.
Well, time to get at it. Perhaps a little bit to feed my needs first, and then into the shower, some clothes, and out the doorway. What an odd little dream I live. Is any of it really real? Would I be able to tell, and if I could and the answer was negative... what, precisely, would I do about it. Nothing beats stalling like procrastination!
Have a great day!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Alright, here it goes.
.
.
I have a dilemma. I always get snickers bars, big ones when I can afford them, little ones when I cannot (like this year). But I think I am going to add mini M&Ms to the pot this year. Now, for me, I really like the peanut M&Ms. What do you all think I should get, all regular, all peanut, or a mix and let them choose? Money is tight, so think of it that way. I figure I can get 6 bags of candy.
I did very little today. I did get over the absolute exhaustion but I never quite made it to any sort of reasonable functioning capacity. That was epic dreaming, even for me. At least none of them were the dreams that seem to last for days, weeks, or even years I think. A few might have been physical, which does tire me the next day, though I think it was the sheer volume of dreams that wore me out.
I hope to be in shape tomorrow to get serious about packing things over to the new place and doing laundry between trips. I do not leave things in the washer overnight, on purpose. So a little planning or even setting some time just for laundry would be wise. Some things are bound for the trash. Some things I will ask if I can leave, such as the (small enough to fit but very weak) microwave, a coffee pot, and maybe some pots and pans if there are some in the new kitchen (and if I like the cookware, yet the set is not so good I would be afraid to use them).
Hmm, I might actually get paid tomorrow. I will have to see how things settle out before doing too much. I do need to find a Best Buy and get my new computer in. It should still be under warranty. Though I best call. They might just tell me I have to send it in. The one unusual and big expense is paying for the last bit of the cabin rental, oh and whatever fees might be associated with switching the internet to the new place (though that will most likely simply be put on the December bill). Still, I am waiting for my bank statement to come in. I would like to figure out how I messed up so badly.
Well, off for dinner and then a bit of goofing before I go to bed. I did no reading last night for the first time in... a long time. Though I doubt if that had anything to do with it. I think it was that funky feeling I had yesterday morning that created the dreaming thing. Just in case though, I will bring my book in from the laundry basket and read a little bit from the bible as well. Time to relax. I hope you can too. Good night.
.
I have a dilemma. I always get snickers bars, big ones when I can afford them, little ones when I cannot (like this year). But I think I am going to add mini M&Ms to the pot this year. Now, for me, I really like the peanut M&Ms. What do you all think I should get, all regular, all peanut, or a mix and let them choose? Money is tight, so think of it that way. I figure I can get 6 bags of candy.
I did very little today. I did get over the absolute exhaustion but I never quite made it to any sort of reasonable functioning capacity. That was epic dreaming, even for me. At least none of them were the dreams that seem to last for days, weeks, or even years I think. A few might have been physical, which does tire me the next day, though I think it was the sheer volume of dreams that wore me out.
I hope to be in shape tomorrow to get serious about packing things over to the new place and doing laundry between trips. I do not leave things in the washer overnight, on purpose. So a little planning or even setting some time just for laundry would be wise. Some things are bound for the trash. Some things I will ask if I can leave, such as the (small enough to fit but very weak) microwave, a coffee pot, and maybe some pots and pans if there are some in the new kitchen (and if I like the cookware, yet the set is not so good I would be afraid to use them).
Hmm, I might actually get paid tomorrow. I will have to see how things settle out before doing too much. I do need to find a Best Buy and get my new computer in. It should still be under warranty. Though I best call. They might just tell me I have to send it in. The one unusual and big expense is paying for the last bit of the cabin rental, oh and whatever fees might be associated with switching the internet to the new place (though that will most likely simply be put on the December bill). Still, I am waiting for my bank statement to come in. I would like to figure out how I messed up so badly.
Well, off for dinner and then a bit of goofing before I go to bed. I did no reading last night for the first time in... a long time. Though I doubt if that had anything to do with it. I think it was that funky feeling I had yesterday morning that created the dreaming thing. Just in case though, I will bring my book in from the laundry basket and read a little bit from the bible as well. Time to relax. I hope you can too. Good night.
A night of dreams.
.
.
After those two dreams earlier in the night and that final waking up where I could not get back to sleep for a bit, I tinkered and blogged. My mind settled, so I decided to try to get a little more sleep as I was completely exhausted. I was able to do so, but the dreams continued. I had between six and eight dreams before my alarm clock woke me at 9:00. So exhausted, I simply hit the snooze bar. The time between the alarm going off, the snooze being hit, and the alarm going off again is about 5 minutes.
Between each snooze hit and the next alarm function, I would fall immediately back into sleep and dream more. Usually just pictures, or short movies really, of stationary things. I would never recall going back to sleep so I am not sure I ever fully woke up. Further, there was no sense of time elapse, so I felt like I kept pushing the snooze, then reclining, then doing it again. I could not think to shut the alarm off, either. There was nothing cognitive functioning. This continued until 10:20! Nothing too horrible, that I remember. Strange, it was in there, perhaps even bizarre. The one I remember clearly was watching a creature which had the wings (sized appropriately, though back and not in flight mode) and head of a hawk, the body and hands of a man, and the feet (and or lower legs, if stretched like a man's legs) of a lion or something. He was an electric dark blue, and his color would lighten and darken, perhaps with his breath. If I really had one each snooze cycle (and I think I did), I had 34 such episodes. I simply could not wake up or shake it.
Finally, at 10:20, still fully exhausted, I somehow stopped the thing and got up. As time has gone on, I have waken more fully and am quite a bit more fit for the day. No, not too many beers last night, three I think. No scotch chaser either. I simply party lightly these days, usually. That usually has nothing to do with my dreams though. The dreams I described in my last post about last night are normal dreams except that they were very short. My dreams can go on for... a lifetime, to me, in them. I am sometimes shocked that there is such a thing as 'waking up'. I have even slept in my dreams and dreamed in my sleep dreams, to at least three levels of dream within dream, to my knowledge so far. Add in color, texture, smell, and the normal other senses and that is what I get, if I do not usually remember them and if only some of them that I do remember are that deep.
I put most of this in comments, but thought to write it here too in case other readers do not read comments. I am honestly curious about how many people dream like this. Oh, the snooze dreams... I do have these fairly often too, just not that many or for that long, or in every snooze cycle. This was... incredible. Who knows, it may indicate what is wrong with me, make what is wrong with me be normal to some condition or what it might indicate, or something along those lines.
And, no, I am not joking. I really went through this last night. What I describe as dream within dream within dream has happened on many occasions. And having dreams so real that waking up from them would be no different than you, reading this, hearing an alarm, and finding yourself reaching for the alarm clock. I think, too, that I dream a great deal like this, only remembering it rarely. I wonder if there is a specialist in dreams?
.
After those two dreams earlier in the night and that final waking up where I could not get back to sleep for a bit, I tinkered and blogged. My mind settled, so I decided to try to get a little more sleep as I was completely exhausted. I was able to do so, but the dreams continued. I had between six and eight dreams before my alarm clock woke me at 9:00. So exhausted, I simply hit the snooze bar. The time between the alarm going off, the snooze being hit, and the alarm going off again is about 5 minutes.
Between each snooze hit and the next alarm function, I would fall immediately back into sleep and dream more. Usually just pictures, or short movies really, of stationary things. I would never recall going back to sleep so I am not sure I ever fully woke up. Further, there was no sense of time elapse, so I felt like I kept pushing the snooze, then reclining, then doing it again. I could not think to shut the alarm off, either. There was nothing cognitive functioning. This continued until 10:20! Nothing too horrible, that I remember. Strange, it was in there, perhaps even bizarre. The one I remember clearly was watching a creature which had the wings (sized appropriately, though back and not in flight mode) and head of a hawk, the body and hands of a man, and the feet (and or lower legs, if stretched like a man's legs) of a lion or something. He was an electric dark blue, and his color would lighten and darken, perhaps with his breath. If I really had one each snooze cycle (and I think I did), I had 34 such episodes. I simply could not wake up or shake it.
Finally, at 10:20, still fully exhausted, I somehow stopped the thing and got up. As time has gone on, I have waken more fully and am quite a bit more fit for the day. No, not too many beers last night, three I think. No scotch chaser either. I simply party lightly these days, usually. That usually has nothing to do with my dreams though. The dreams I described in my last post about last night are normal dreams except that they were very short. My dreams can go on for... a lifetime, to me, in them. I am sometimes shocked that there is such a thing as 'waking up'. I have even slept in my dreams and dreamed in my sleep dreams, to at least three levels of dream within dream, to my knowledge so far. Add in color, texture, smell, and the normal other senses and that is what I get, if I do not usually remember them and if only some of them that I do remember are that deep.
I put most of this in comments, but thought to write it here too in case other readers do not read comments. I am honestly curious about how many people dream like this. Oh, the snooze dreams... I do have these fairly often too, just not that many or for that long, or in every snooze cycle. This was... incredible. Who knows, it may indicate what is wrong with me, make what is wrong with me be normal to some condition or what it might indicate, or something along those lines.
And, no, I am not joking. I really went through this last night. What I describe as dream within dream within dream has happened on many occasions. And having dreams so real that waking up from them would be no different than you, reading this, hearing an alarm, and finding yourself reaching for the alarm clock. I think, too, that I dream a great deal like this, only remembering it rarely. I wonder if there is a specialist in dreams?
Awake way early.
.
.
Last night was the night for dreams. I had to force myself back to sleep after the first one, and tried after the second dream but finally gave up.
In the first dream, I was living in a mobile or modular house up on bricks or something (not going to happen, so I knew it was a dream). In my blogging, pretty much what I usually do, I obtained a hater. I thought it was a woman, from the blogs, though these things are never sure (in dream or the blogosphere). Something this person wrote on other blogs was threatening, and may have included personal information. Those people contacted me. And, about that time, an actual death threat was left on my blog.
So, I called the police. The chief, a woman (bearing all the worst traits a woman can bear for such a job), and two policemen came when I called in the complaint. I showed them the other blogs and my own blog. She said I had to move, other than that I was on my own. I said I simply could not move, both financially and mechanically. My disability and financial situation did not allow this. I suggested I had firearms and knew how to use them. She was snarky this whole time, of course. She became nasty at the fact of gun ownership and said that if I used to gun in self-defense, since she had told me to move, that I would be prosecuted.
She then asked if I had a dog. I told her I did not. She said, well, there is a dog which seems to have been hung from one of the vents on your roof, and gutted or otherwise caused to bleed out on the side of your house. Come take a look at it while we look and cut it down, she suggested. So, out the door we all traipse (my .45 on me, of course). We all looked the thing over, and the two junior cops advanced to cut it down. As they were messing with the rope, one of the policemen sort of collapsed and fell back. At first none of us, including the policemen beside him knew what had happened. It was late and quite dark and only a light from a distant pole lamp or two was lighting the area.
The second policeman was backing up, so this time we saw the problem. Someone had nearly cut the first policeman in half with a scythe. Before the second officer could react, he too was cut down. The female police chief moved forward as she unholstered her gun (as did I). She never cleared leather. I then drew a bead and laid low the assailant, who ended up being male. Whether the hater or someone sent by such, I do not know.
That was my 1:30 dream. Took a bit, but I did get back to sleep. Then another dream at about 5:00 got to me.
I was, for some reason, intending on deciding whether I wanted to teach English in Luwekistan (well, some foreign nation, cannot remember now, though not muslim). To that ends, I had found where I needed to go to find out more, as they were offering a lecture for interested participants in the English building (which was an exact duplicate of the business building, both were very difficult to find and navigate). I ended up in the business building, if at the right auditorium. Oddly, they were having a lecture on the same nation, so I ended up viewing this, in my error.
After I figured things out, I asked around and found out where the English building was and rushed over hoping to find someone involved with the issue still there, someone to speak with. Thankfully, I found one of the second or third in command still there and engaged in conversation. We continued to discuss things as we walked toward the parking lot. She asked if I was really sure I wanted to do this, eyes all aglow as such idealist educrats seem get when discussing something dear to their hearts. Did I mention she was a very attractive in a simple, human, way? Well, she was. She was filling me in on details, including that their hygiene is not the best, and that they want you to hold their babies, often, and that they smell, terribly (the babies). How intriguing, I thought, wondering if this woman was trying to talk me in or out of the whole thing (if this last was more in a humorous to me vein). I was not sure about going ahead with these plans, but this halted neither her enthusiasm nor her spiel. At one point, as we were preparing to go our separate ways, she had walked a bit past a parked vehicle, onto a street with a stop sign, and was backing up and talking just a bit more.
A car came out of nowhere and absolutely crushed her. It was a little car, with a man driving and what appeared to be his son in the passenger side. I could hear every bone in her body break and knew she was dead on impact. The driver did not seem upset, or worried, or anything, merely somewhat surprised. In spite of his car being some tiny car, think smaller than a Midget, so probably a dinky Euro design, it was not completely destroyed. It's hood was well crumpled in the middle and back to 2/3rd of the engine compartment. This scene enraged me so much that I changed the dream. I went back in time to the point where she was crossing the road. This time, I called her back to stand in front of the parked car, safe from traffic. I am not sure if the dream continued or if my involvement in directing ended it at that point.
I tried to sleep again, after that, but it would not happen. I crawled out of bed at 6:00 or so, realizing I was going to get no more sleep and not sure I wanted anymore. But I am still tired. Hmm, now that I have written this, I might crawl back to bed. The time, 6:00, is not necessarily a bad time for me to rise, but today I am still very tired. Another hour or two would be good. Cannot quite keep my eyes open.
.
Last night was the night for dreams. I had to force myself back to sleep after the first one, and tried after the second dream but finally gave up.
In the first dream, I was living in a mobile or modular house up on bricks or something (not going to happen, so I knew it was a dream). In my blogging, pretty much what I usually do, I obtained a hater. I thought it was a woman, from the blogs, though these things are never sure (in dream or the blogosphere). Something this person wrote on other blogs was threatening, and may have included personal information. Those people contacted me. And, about that time, an actual death threat was left on my blog.
So, I called the police. The chief, a woman (bearing all the worst traits a woman can bear for such a job), and two policemen came when I called in the complaint. I showed them the other blogs and my own blog. She said I had to move, other than that I was on my own. I said I simply could not move, both financially and mechanically. My disability and financial situation did not allow this. I suggested I had firearms and knew how to use them. She was snarky this whole time, of course. She became nasty at the fact of gun ownership and said that if I used to gun in self-defense, since she had told me to move, that I would be prosecuted.
She then asked if I had a dog. I told her I did not. She said, well, there is a dog which seems to have been hung from one of the vents on your roof, and gutted or otherwise caused to bleed out on the side of your house. Come take a look at it while we look and cut it down, she suggested. So, out the door we all traipse (my .45 on me, of course). We all looked the thing over, and the two junior cops advanced to cut it down. As they were messing with the rope, one of the policemen sort of collapsed and fell back. At first none of us, including the policemen beside him knew what had happened. It was late and quite dark and only a light from a distant pole lamp or two was lighting the area.
The second policeman was backing up, so this time we saw the problem. Someone had nearly cut the first policeman in half with a scythe. Before the second officer could react, he too was cut down. The female police chief moved forward as she unholstered her gun (as did I). She never cleared leather. I then drew a bead and laid low the assailant, who ended up being male. Whether the hater or someone sent by such, I do not know.
That was my 1:30 dream. Took a bit, but I did get back to sleep. Then another dream at about 5:00 got to me.
I was, for some reason, intending on deciding whether I wanted to teach English in Luwekistan (well, some foreign nation, cannot remember now, though not muslim). To that ends, I had found where I needed to go to find out more, as they were offering a lecture for interested participants in the English building (which was an exact duplicate of the business building, both were very difficult to find and navigate). I ended up in the business building, if at the right auditorium. Oddly, they were having a lecture on the same nation, so I ended up viewing this, in my error.
After I figured things out, I asked around and found out where the English building was and rushed over hoping to find someone involved with the issue still there, someone to speak with. Thankfully, I found one of the second or third in command still there and engaged in conversation. We continued to discuss things as we walked toward the parking lot. She asked if I was really sure I wanted to do this, eyes all aglow as such idealist educrats seem get when discussing something dear to their hearts. Did I mention she was a very attractive in a simple, human, way? Well, she was. She was filling me in on details, including that their hygiene is not the best, and that they want you to hold their babies, often, and that they smell, terribly (the babies). How intriguing, I thought, wondering if this woman was trying to talk me in or out of the whole thing (if this last was more in a humorous to me vein). I was not sure about going ahead with these plans, but this halted neither her enthusiasm nor her spiel. At one point, as we were preparing to go our separate ways, she had walked a bit past a parked vehicle, onto a street with a stop sign, and was backing up and talking just a bit more.
A car came out of nowhere and absolutely crushed her. It was a little car, with a man driving and what appeared to be his son in the passenger side. I could hear every bone in her body break and knew she was dead on impact. The driver did not seem upset, or worried, or anything, merely somewhat surprised. In spite of his car being some tiny car, think smaller than a Midget, so probably a dinky Euro design, it was not completely destroyed. It's hood was well crumpled in the middle and back to 2/3rd of the engine compartment. This scene enraged me so much that I changed the dream. I went back in time to the point where she was crossing the road. This time, I called her back to stand in front of the parked car, safe from traffic. I am not sure if the dream continued or if my involvement in directing ended it at that point.
I tried to sleep again, after that, but it would not happen. I crawled out of bed at 6:00 or so, realizing I was going to get no more sleep and not sure I wanted anymore. But I am still tired. Hmm, now that I have written this, I might crawl back to bed. The time, 6:00, is not necessarily a bad time for me to rise, but today I am still very tired. Another hour or two would be good. Cannot quite keep my eyes open.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Weary into beer.
.
.
I noticed that shorter, spot on, posts seem to be winning the day. People do not have time for convoluted novelettes. And, I do get confused in the midst of them myself. Even restauranteers know that too much food will turn away clients, even those clients who are friends. Hmm, perhaps other aspects of my life could take a lesson from such a common treatment. What was it my mother said? Ah, right, "Smaller bites". This is exciting and fun, both as a challenge and as a new potential. Capitalism does not always come in the guise of commerce.
Sure, sure, a lightweight. Perhaps some might say a featherweight. Two beers, one comment, and this post, and, well, it is 1999. *woot* I see you are as excited as I am. *laughs* Still, something flowed through me today. A new resolve related to a vision of Heaven on earth as I was driving home struck nerves I had forgotten I had. The beer might be adding to it, though I think it is merely making me sleepy.
It started out so rocky. My world was torn between dark and light. I do not know but that it was terrible and frightening. I think I learned something today. Perhaps I made a choice or was given a gift. Maybe all of those things. I will think about it in time. Something opened today that could not have become real anywhere else. Maybe I am becoming real? A strange thing to say, but that is my initial sense of the events.
Have a good night!
.
I noticed that shorter, spot on, posts seem to be winning the day. People do not have time for convoluted novelettes. And, I do get confused in the midst of them myself. Even restauranteers know that too much food will turn away clients, even those clients who are friends. Hmm, perhaps other aspects of my life could take a lesson from such a common treatment. What was it my mother said? Ah, right, "Smaller bites". This is exciting and fun, both as a challenge and as a new potential. Capitalism does not always come in the guise of commerce.
Sure, sure, a lightweight. Perhaps some might say a featherweight. Two beers, one comment, and this post, and, well, it is 1999. *woot* I see you are as excited as I am. *laughs* Still, something flowed through me today. A new resolve related to a vision of Heaven on earth as I was driving home struck nerves I had forgotten I had. The beer might be adding to it, though I think it is merely making me sleepy.
It started out so rocky. My world was torn between dark and light. I do not know but that it was terrible and frightening. I think I learned something today. Perhaps I made a choice or was given a gift. Maybe all of those things. I will think about it in time. Something opened today that could not have become real anywhere else. Maybe I am becoming real? A strange thing to say, but that is my initial sense of the events.
Have a good night!
More things done and more things yet.
.
.
Along with some changes in how and what I comment at most places, I am trying to keep my posts shorter. It makes it easier to read and more specific for comments. Huh? Do not ask me. Though I am in a much better mood. I took a ride.
I really did. My ex-neighbor called today. We chatted a bit. But, I do not like phone conversations. That is a girl thing or something. So, I just suggested we get out and do something. I had asked about shooting but he said he did not have winter boots. So, when I get there, I suggest we go to Wal-Mart. He knows of another place, so we go there. He is now in winter boots. We then went to a late lunch, dinner really. Angie's again. I had the beef on toast, with mashed potatoes and gravy, again. Hey, I get steak more often than food made the way my Mom made it, and the girls are pretty and nice. Then, as I mentioned, we took a drive up Logan Canyon. I wanted to see how bad it was at one of our shooting spots, see the snow in the mountains, check out the trees and beyond as the leaves have retired. And, a little further to the outlook area where one may view Bear Lake. It is a fantastic view, one which really makes me want to get my camera, or the one I have, up and working.
My new place should be open. I have not checked but will be over soon. It would be nice to begin moving in and doing laundry right from the start. The nice thing with a personal washer and dryer is that I can do small specialty loads, such as my wool socks, and not worry about the extra money or time it will take. I have special soaps for my wools, silks, and some other technical fabrics and I like to do those to keep them in shape longer. I doubt if the computer will go over tonight, I probably will not even stay there other than to begin laundry. Shirts, then shorts (the dark ones, bleach use is the last load), then socks, then whatever the heck seems to fit.
Not bad. A good day. A simple day. But I got out of the house and I think my neighbor might, now, call more often to go shooting. I may have a decent pair of gloves somewhere, that is the only thing I really want, perhaps need, if I cannot find a pair. It is nice and cool, snow on the mountains is wonderful, I really need to get out there more. Even if the snow goes, this is my time of year. Yeah? Maybe I will party like it is 1999 (if also as if I was 95). Who says a party must be big? Maybe 2 to 4 beers, a shot of scotch in soda water to mellow the event, and a pillow fight with myself that I cannot win. Hmm, here is where having a wife might be nice. Even if she finally gets in the mood and I need an aspirin. Ha! Funny how that all works, innit?
.
Along with some changes in how and what I comment at most places, I am trying to keep my posts shorter. It makes it easier to read and more specific for comments. Huh? Do not ask me. Though I am in a much better mood. I took a ride.
I really did. My ex-neighbor called today. We chatted a bit. But, I do not like phone conversations. That is a girl thing or something. So, I just suggested we get out and do something. I had asked about shooting but he said he did not have winter boots. So, when I get there, I suggest we go to Wal-Mart. He knows of another place, so we go there. He is now in winter boots. We then went to a late lunch, dinner really. Angie's again. I had the beef on toast, with mashed potatoes and gravy, again. Hey, I get steak more often than food made the way my Mom made it, and the girls are pretty and nice. Then, as I mentioned, we took a drive up Logan Canyon. I wanted to see how bad it was at one of our shooting spots, see the snow in the mountains, check out the trees and beyond as the leaves have retired. And, a little further to the outlook area where one may view Bear Lake. It is a fantastic view, one which really makes me want to get my camera, or the one I have, up and working.
My new place should be open. I have not checked but will be over soon. It would be nice to begin moving in and doing laundry right from the start. The nice thing with a personal washer and dryer is that I can do small specialty loads, such as my wool socks, and not worry about the extra money or time it will take. I have special soaps for my wools, silks, and some other technical fabrics and I like to do those to keep them in shape longer. I doubt if the computer will go over tonight, I probably will not even stay there other than to begin laundry. Shirts, then shorts (the dark ones, bleach use is the last load), then socks, then whatever the heck seems to fit.
Not bad. A good day. A simple day. But I got out of the house and I think my neighbor might, now, call more often to go shooting. I may have a decent pair of gloves somewhere, that is the only thing I really want, perhaps need, if I cannot find a pair. It is nice and cool, snow on the mountains is wonderful, I really need to get out there more. Even if the snow goes, this is my time of year. Yeah? Maybe I will party like it is 1999 (if also as if I was 95). Who says a party must be big? Maybe 2 to 4 beers, a shot of scotch in soda water to mellow the event, and a pillow fight with myself that I cannot win. Hmm, here is where having a wife might be nice. Even if she finally gets in the mood and I need an aspirin. Ha! Funny how that all works, innit?
Up and at and all over the place.
.
.
I am up, and early, and again. For the last week I have been doing well, in that regard. I have honestly been crippled though. My will is good, my body works, but the disconnect cannot be undone. I did work yesterday, and would have done more save for the snow. Usually when I get to where the work needs done I am fine and will work. Occasionally or more, I overestimate what I can do in a given amount of time though. There is no accounting for how slow I am or can be or how ambitious I can be. I see that crash even as I draw up my next plans, it seems I never learn.
I am somewhat mixed up emotionally today. I am not sure what the problem is. I have not felt like this in quite some time. One might call it an excited heartbroken exasperation. On the verge of tears or a party, though I think one would lead to the other. I am interested in neither. Simply doing some things around the cave and then moving in later this afternoon would be all that I would desire. I would simply prefer to put the emotional baggage on a raft, set it out in the lake, have the whole thing well weighted and tied together, and then do some target practice.
I know what is causing it I think. As I was writing the above, it sort of came to me. The political and financial turmoil, the ongoing socializing of my country, the stupidity of people regarding politics, the upcoming move, the lack of a renter for this place, the lack of sun, and just because it is my party. I suppose men are not supposed to feel, certainly if they do they are not supposed to talk about it. So, I will not talk about it, I will write about it. And, yes, I think that old saying is true and should generally be adhered. It is when people started saying, hey, just because you are man or woman, depending on the statement, you do not have to... Well, look where that has gotten us. So, for my part, I will stick to the old, thank you very much.
Well, back to tinkering in the hopes of waking up a bit better and getting some things done today.
Hey, but have a great day! Why not?
.
I am up, and early, and again. For the last week I have been doing well, in that regard. I have honestly been crippled though. My will is good, my body works, but the disconnect cannot be undone. I did work yesterday, and would have done more save for the snow. Usually when I get to where the work needs done I am fine and will work. Occasionally or more, I overestimate what I can do in a given amount of time though. There is no accounting for how slow I am or can be or how ambitious I can be. I see that crash even as I draw up my next plans, it seems I never learn.
I am somewhat mixed up emotionally today. I am not sure what the problem is. I have not felt like this in quite some time. One might call it an excited heartbroken exasperation. On the verge of tears or a party, though I think one would lead to the other. I am interested in neither. Simply doing some things around the cave and then moving in later this afternoon would be all that I would desire. I would simply prefer to put the emotional baggage on a raft, set it out in the lake, have the whole thing well weighted and tied together, and then do some target practice.
I know what is causing it I think. As I was writing the above, it sort of came to me. The political and financial turmoil, the ongoing socializing of my country, the stupidity of people regarding politics, the upcoming move, the lack of a renter for this place, the lack of sun, and just because it is my party. I suppose men are not supposed to feel, certainly if they do they are not supposed to talk about it. So, I will not talk about it, I will write about it. And, yes, I think that old saying is true and should generally be adhered. It is when people started saying, hey, just because you are man or woman, depending on the statement, you do not have to... Well, look where that has gotten us. So, for my part, I will stick to the old, thank you very much.
Well, back to tinkering in the hopes of waking up a bit better and getting some things done today.
Hey, but have a great day! Why not?
Me, me me me. And, oh, me.
.
.
Do not think I do not know. It even crosses my eyes. And, yes, this is about... ME, again.
I have been considering what I write, my comments on other blogs, and how I lead my life. Too many "me", "I", and even as I try to switch things up "we" are used. If it were just a vocabulary issue, that could be fixed. But it is not. I am self-centered. Not that this is a surprise. I will yield that this blog is simply about my life so there has got to be a little room for that. However, other people's blogs are NOT about my life, and happily. Blogging would be dead if so. Even if it was all about everyone's own little life, blogging would be dead.
To this end, I am beginning an effort to not include me, I, or we in my comment posts both as words referring to me (where at all reasonable, which is most of the time), and regarding the principle. My life, my past, my hopes, my future... these are for here, if too I should expand quite a bit beyond me. Then again, I am not writing for the general public. This really is a diary. It is written just to get it out of my mind, in part because I have so few people to discuss these things with. Well, actually, I have no one. And, I want these thoughts and such to go away just as much as anybody, so I put them here. I do not read these later. Nothing I write is of any interest other than getting it out of my head. I guess I am stuck with me, on this page.
However, on your blogs, I need to begin cutting myself out and just do what the rest do, quip, agree, disagree, or whatever, in 5 words or less it seems. That will be a challenge. I have foreseen this a bit, and there are other challenges as well. The first is not analyzing the author. That is very easy to do from this chair and it is as welcome as "me". The second is not to simply emotionalize what the author writes. It is a natural and easy thing to do and the wrong thing to do. I think the final consideration is to not grandstand, that is, in simply another way, simply about me again. What does that leave? I do not know, precisely, though it means I ought not to respond most of the time. I have suggested this before and I will go through the phases again, maybe each time cutting a little more "me" out and adding less and less in general as well. Eventually, perhaps, I will become a wise man (albeit through the loophole that even a man who speaks, or writes, little may be considered wise).
Well, here goes nothing. Eh? Maybe the warp drive will work, this time. If so, you will not see "me" soon except on this planet, far far away if not a long time ago. Yeah, I get it, sometimes.
.
Do not think I do not know. It even crosses my eyes. And, yes, this is about... ME, again.
I have been considering what I write, my comments on other blogs, and how I lead my life. Too many "me", "I", and even as I try to switch things up "we" are used. If it were just a vocabulary issue, that could be fixed. But it is not. I am self-centered. Not that this is a surprise. I will yield that this blog is simply about my life so there has got to be a little room for that. However, other people's blogs are NOT about my life, and happily. Blogging would be dead if so. Even if it was all about everyone's own little life, blogging would be dead.
To this end, I am beginning an effort to not include me, I, or we in my comment posts both as words referring to me (where at all reasonable, which is most of the time), and regarding the principle. My life, my past, my hopes, my future... these are for here, if too I should expand quite a bit beyond me. Then again, I am not writing for the general public. This really is a diary. It is written just to get it out of my mind, in part because I have so few people to discuss these things with. Well, actually, I have no one. And, I want these thoughts and such to go away just as much as anybody, so I put them here. I do not read these later. Nothing I write is of any interest other than getting it out of my head. I guess I am stuck with me, on this page.
However, on your blogs, I need to begin cutting myself out and just do what the rest do, quip, agree, disagree, or whatever, in 5 words or less it seems. That will be a challenge. I have foreseen this a bit, and there are other challenges as well. The first is not analyzing the author. That is very easy to do from this chair and it is as welcome as "me". The second is not to simply emotionalize what the author writes. It is a natural and easy thing to do and the wrong thing to do. I think the final consideration is to not grandstand, that is, in simply another way, simply about me again. What does that leave? I do not know, precisely, though it means I ought not to respond most of the time. I have suggested this before and I will go through the phases again, maybe each time cutting a little more "me" out and adding less and less in general as well. Eventually, perhaps, I will become a wise man (albeit through the loophole that even a man who speaks, or writes, little may be considered wise).
Well, here goes nothing. Eh? Maybe the warp drive will work, this time. If so, you will not see "me" soon except on this planet, far far away if not a long time ago. Yeah, I get it, sometimes.
Some things done.
.
.
I got a late start. No, I woke at 8:00 I think, 7:30 maybe. I simply could not get going until about 16:30 or so. When I did I completed some of my tasks. All the weights have been moved now. I got the checks over to the people I am renting from. I checked my shirts and treated those that needed treatment. I did not get to laundry and I was not able to sort out the storage unit, though I did have a reasonable excuse for that last. We received SNOW!
I love snow. It is beautiful out there. And, it is a drier snow than what Iowa gets, lighter and fluffier. It snowed earlier this fall if nothing lasted, or even collected. This time there was about 4" or 5" of snow on the Xterra. I would guess that much of the first fall melted away quickly though so I am guessing there was between 6" and 8" inches (though I am terrible at guesstimating if you go by the weatherman, for whatever that might mean).
I will be able to begin moving tomorrow afternoon. And, that will help a bit. It does not look like anyone will be taking over until December, so there is no great rush. Still, it would be nice to be moved on date, completely, just in case. There is no real use for this second apartment, so it will simply sit empty, with utilities off to the best of my ability. I suspect I can even unplug the refrigerator. Hopefully that will cut down on expenses. Oh, and the rentees are allowing me to use their carpet machine. When they told me about their machine, I explained that the kitchen is carpeted and that I had been planning on renting and asked if I could use theirs. No problem, plus they have extra solution!
You know, there are some people who really go out and are quite sharing. I could have just used it, but that is not my way. I always ask. I could not have found better people to deal with. We might be ideologically and socially quite different. Though the same goes for almost everyone I meet, to be honest. They have been gracious as host and hostess and kind as rental agents. Oh, the husband created a list of reasons why he does not believe. With Vox's ongoing thing about why he believes, and my own recent start at exploring that topic, I asked if I could review a copy of his list. I assured him I was not asking for the list in order to critique him or to try and win him over. I simply would like to see it and use it as a means of a counter argument to some of my arguments, and Vox's to some degree.
We did have a wonderful discussion, again, tonight. As I said, we have very different views on things. One of the things we discussed tonight was hunting. I suggested that big game hunters not only bring in big money to the local economy, and sometimes food from the hunts, but that they cull animals who if at their seeming prime, are about to go into tragic decline. As well, with only so much space, some animals absolutely must be culled. It is wasteful not to profit those in need from those who have in order to satisfy all, and really to the betterment of even wildlife management. They only sort of agreed. She more so than he, I think. But there were other topics. It has remained civil and I think it always will. We simply do not have a need to cross swords, and I do not believe there is great interest in doing so. Sometimes, too, they get more of their say and I have just listened.
I wonder if just sensing snow put me into a feisty mood. I might not be the best at debating, but locking horns seems to be the thing today. If it is merely a mood and not a strike of genuis, I have enjoyed it anyway. I really ought to learn to debate. Then again, how does one learn to fish, golf, ski, ride a horse, or anything? Reading a book, or a dozen, gets one no closer to the act than thinking about it. So, I suppose that is as good as it gets for now. I am not sure I want to join an intellectual fight club really. Those usually end up being popularity contests from what I have seen. Though a few exist that are good, they are often simply out of my range or not interesting. Oh well, not my gig I guess. Still, it was fun if I am poor at it.
Well, I best get off here and tinker as I wind down. Laundry tomorrow? One can hope. Or, I could simply do it as I am moving in. That might be the way to go! Learning by accident, again. Oh well.
Hmm, had a problem with Blogger tonight. I got in, then everything froze up. At first I thought it was the internet, but I could get to other (non-Blogger) blogs and sites. It took an hour or more before I could get back in. Anyone else with this issue (from about 22:30 to 0:21, Mountain Time, give or take)?
Sleep well my charming and delightful thinkers and tinkerers of wit and wisdom. May your dreams be of sweat, toil, gain and the simple joys of life these bring. I may see you there, it is where my heart lies, so it must be home. Good night!
.
I got a late start. No, I woke at 8:00 I think, 7:30 maybe. I simply could not get going until about 16:30 or so. When I did I completed some of my tasks. All the weights have been moved now. I got the checks over to the people I am renting from. I checked my shirts and treated those that needed treatment. I did not get to laundry and I was not able to sort out the storage unit, though I did have a reasonable excuse for that last. We received SNOW!
I love snow. It is beautiful out there. And, it is a drier snow than what Iowa gets, lighter and fluffier. It snowed earlier this fall if nothing lasted, or even collected. This time there was about 4" or 5" of snow on the Xterra. I would guess that much of the first fall melted away quickly though so I am guessing there was between 6" and 8" inches (though I am terrible at guesstimating if you go by the weatherman, for whatever that might mean).
I will be able to begin moving tomorrow afternoon. And, that will help a bit. It does not look like anyone will be taking over until December, so there is no great rush. Still, it would be nice to be moved on date, completely, just in case. There is no real use for this second apartment, so it will simply sit empty, with utilities off to the best of my ability. I suspect I can even unplug the refrigerator. Hopefully that will cut down on expenses. Oh, and the rentees are allowing me to use their carpet machine. When they told me about their machine, I explained that the kitchen is carpeted and that I had been planning on renting and asked if I could use theirs. No problem, plus they have extra solution!
You know, there are some people who really go out and are quite sharing. I could have just used it, but that is not my way. I always ask. I could not have found better people to deal with. We might be ideologically and socially quite different. Though the same goes for almost everyone I meet, to be honest. They have been gracious as host and hostess and kind as rental agents. Oh, the husband created a list of reasons why he does not believe. With Vox's ongoing thing about why he believes, and my own recent start at exploring that topic, I asked if I could review a copy of his list. I assured him I was not asking for the list in order to critique him or to try and win him over. I simply would like to see it and use it as a means of a counter argument to some of my arguments, and Vox's to some degree.
We did have a wonderful discussion, again, tonight. As I said, we have very different views on things. One of the things we discussed tonight was hunting. I suggested that big game hunters not only bring in big money to the local economy, and sometimes food from the hunts, but that they cull animals who if at their seeming prime, are about to go into tragic decline. As well, with only so much space, some animals absolutely must be culled. It is wasteful not to profit those in need from those who have in order to satisfy all, and really to the betterment of even wildlife management. They only sort of agreed. She more so than he, I think. But there were other topics. It has remained civil and I think it always will. We simply do not have a need to cross swords, and I do not believe there is great interest in doing so. Sometimes, too, they get more of their say and I have just listened.
I wonder if just sensing snow put me into a feisty mood. I might not be the best at debating, but locking horns seems to be the thing today. If it is merely a mood and not a strike of genuis, I have enjoyed it anyway. I really ought to learn to debate. Then again, how does one learn to fish, golf, ski, ride a horse, or anything? Reading a book, or a dozen, gets one no closer to the act than thinking about it. So, I suppose that is as good as it gets for now. I am not sure I want to join an intellectual fight club really. Those usually end up being popularity contests from what I have seen. Though a few exist that are good, they are often simply out of my range or not interesting. Oh well, not my gig I guess. Still, it was fun if I am poor at it.
Well, I best get off here and tinker as I wind down. Laundry tomorrow? One can hope. Or, I could simply do it as I am moving in. That might be the way to go! Learning by accident, again. Oh well.
Hmm, had a problem with Blogger tonight. I got in, then everything froze up. At first I thought it was the internet, but I could get to other (non-Blogger) blogs and sites. It took an hour or more before I could get back in. Anyone else with this issue (from about 22:30 to 0:21, Mountain Time, give or take)?
Sleep well my charming and delightful thinkers and tinkerers of wit and wisdom. May your dreams be of sweat, toil, gain and the simple joys of life these bring. I may see you there, it is where my heart lies, so it must be home. Good night!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Debating.
.
.
The other day, I commented on a post somewhere regarding a letter from a grandfather to a granddaughter. The grandpa had always helped some of his family out from the excesses of his business. The grandpa had fallen on harder times with the current financial difficulties. And further, the threats from this new president against businesses (especially smaller businesses), had forced him to recalculate potential future earnings, fire someone rather close, forced grandma to fill in for the fire, and have grandpa begin planning scaling back both personal and business spending. The granddaughter had not only openly and loudly supported Quota Boy, she had rubbed it in when he won.
The grandfather was asked for money by the grandkid. This time, he not only could not, he would not help her. He wrote a long letter explaining that their are consequences to foolishness. In her support of Quota Boy (and his socialist or even communist ways as I put it), she had chosen against grandpa's income path. Further, the win of Quota Boy has lead grandpa into further woes. So, he indicated that for every action there is a reaction, not only would he not help, but he could not help if he wanted.
Now, not only did I think this was right, I thought it was his right to make the path clear to the granddaughter. Some guy hops on and says the "old guy is full of gas" and calls me an idiot. Well, the debate went on for a while. And the guy brags about making $500K a year, being Libertarian, and that it would not have mattered between McCain and Quota Boy (to which I yield only partially, as McCain would not be attempting to dismantle private ownership and business, disinsetivizing hiring, and such, if McNumbnuts would be on the same trillion dollar payola schemes). At first I was a bit miffed. Then I just chuckled and dug in for fun.
However, this guy goes on to say not only is he rich, he is filthy rich. He has more money than me and my whole family. Now, for my part, whatever. But I will be honest, no matter how stinking rich this useless toad is, my mother is far more important to her community and is far poorer than I am, and I am probably one of those type of people this guy would consider a bum if he saw me somewhere (What, no slacks or pressed shirts? He doesn't drive a Mercedes? I bet he makes his own food too?) Yeah, and my mom drives an old car, not a new to her purchase, dude (I and do mean "dude" this time). She feeds her community, and asked for less than they were offering her to do so. Imagine someone turning down $10 an hour for $5 an hour because that is all she needs or wants in order to prepare a community meal Monday through Friday. And, whenever someone needs a ride to the doctor, help filling out government or business forms, or anything in general, who do they call but her. She has one older lady who she maintains her house, gets her to or back from 3 regular appointments a week, takes her shopping, and whatever else this woman needs for less than most people's soda money per month. And, finally, whenever someone is dying, if they have no one else to help, she goes and does 24/7 hospice care for them for free.
So, yes, this guy might be stinking rich, but he lost on this one. Heck, I lose on this one. So, if you want to kick me in the teeth with your ill gotten gain, be my guest. But if you try and kick my Mother in the teeth, God is probably not with you. Jerk. Ha!
And, yes, it can suck to have a sainted Mom. Especially one with whom you have and have had issues regarding. She definitely puts things in perspective for me. And, I suppose I have helped her in certain ways too. She did not understand what the new Democrat party really was. I asked her to simply write down her top ten beliefs about life and government and mail those to her Dem senators and congressmen and ask what they were doing on these issues. She learned, and it hurt, but it was necessary. They blew her off like that rich guy tried to do. Still, I mostly watch and learn. As well, I have offered her books to read regarding the Catholic church, ensured she has a rosary, and done other things she wanted to do but was afraid to do. She has so much of it down, just in her life, that it is difficult for me to push too much. At this point, I only see where she would like to go and try to make that possible. I have a lot to learn.
The debate is over. Oh, and we ain't middle class, chump. Ha!
Update:
And, by the way... I honestly do not care if you are as rich as a sultan. What I do expect is that you have some humility about it. Heck, I am humbled by MY income. In some communities I have lived, I am considered 'better off'. But to rub it in someones face or to make it the sole reason you may debate or use wealth as your key (or anybodies) to supposed wisdom or all-knowledge is going to get a hammer on your head. His first comment contained a brag about making $500,000 a year. And, in these times, when someone says that, I have some suspicion that they ARE a part of the problem. I have to wonder how much of the (to not be paid back) bailout money went into his Swiss bank account. Maybe not, but he picked a poor topic to pull out his wallet as if it gave him more swing. I have scissors and a devilish insistence upon using them. *snip* Ha!
Oh, and this is mostly in fun. I do not hate this guy, or his wallet. And, he can believe whatever he wishes. But he came in with his wallet in his mouth, a notion that Quota Boy's election has no impact on business, and that other people's opinions do not matter. What else was there to do BUT play? I ask you?
.
The other day, I commented on a post somewhere regarding a letter from a grandfather to a granddaughter. The grandpa had always helped some of his family out from the excesses of his business. The grandpa had fallen on harder times with the current financial difficulties. And further, the threats from this new president against businesses (especially smaller businesses), had forced him to recalculate potential future earnings, fire someone rather close, forced grandma to fill in for the fire, and have grandpa begin planning scaling back both personal and business spending. The granddaughter had not only openly and loudly supported Quota Boy, she had rubbed it in when he won.
The grandfather was asked for money by the grandkid. This time, he not only could not, he would not help her. He wrote a long letter explaining that their are consequences to foolishness. In her support of Quota Boy (and his socialist or even communist ways as I put it), she had chosen against grandpa's income path. Further, the win of Quota Boy has lead grandpa into further woes. So, he indicated that for every action there is a reaction, not only would he not help, but he could not help if he wanted.
Now, not only did I think this was right, I thought it was his right to make the path clear to the granddaughter. Some guy hops on and says the "old guy is full of gas" and calls me an idiot. Well, the debate went on for a while. And the guy brags about making $500K a year, being Libertarian, and that it would not have mattered between McCain and Quota Boy (to which I yield only partially, as McCain would not be attempting to dismantle private ownership and business, disinsetivizing hiring, and such, if McNumbnuts would be on the same trillion dollar payola schemes). At first I was a bit miffed. Then I just chuckled and dug in for fun.
However, this guy goes on to say not only is he rich, he is filthy rich. He has more money than me and my whole family. Now, for my part, whatever. But I will be honest, no matter how stinking rich this useless toad is, my mother is far more important to her community and is far poorer than I am, and I am probably one of those type of people this guy would consider a bum if he saw me somewhere (What, no slacks or pressed shirts? He doesn't drive a Mercedes? I bet he makes his own food too?) Yeah, and my mom drives an old car, not a new to her purchase, dude (I and do mean "dude" this time). She feeds her community, and asked for less than they were offering her to do so. Imagine someone turning down $10 an hour for $5 an hour because that is all she needs or wants in order to prepare a community meal Monday through Friday. And, whenever someone needs a ride to the doctor, help filling out government or business forms, or anything in general, who do they call but her. She has one older lady who she maintains her house, gets her to or back from 3 regular appointments a week, takes her shopping, and whatever else this woman needs for less than most people's soda money per month. And, finally, whenever someone is dying, if they have no one else to help, she goes and does 24/7 hospice care for them for free.
So, yes, this guy might be stinking rich, but he lost on this one. Heck, I lose on this one. So, if you want to kick me in the teeth with your ill gotten gain, be my guest. But if you try and kick my Mother in the teeth, God is probably not with you. Jerk. Ha!
And, yes, it can suck to have a sainted Mom. Especially one with whom you have and have had issues regarding. She definitely puts things in perspective for me. And, I suppose I have helped her in certain ways too. She did not understand what the new Democrat party really was. I asked her to simply write down her top ten beliefs about life and government and mail those to her Dem senators and congressmen and ask what they were doing on these issues. She learned, and it hurt, but it was necessary. They blew her off like that rich guy tried to do. Still, I mostly watch and learn. As well, I have offered her books to read regarding the Catholic church, ensured she has a rosary, and done other things she wanted to do but was afraid to do. She has so much of it down, just in her life, that it is difficult for me to push too much. At this point, I only see where she would like to go and try to make that possible. I have a lot to learn.
The debate is over. Oh, and we ain't middle class, chump. Ha!
Update:
And, by the way... I honestly do not care if you are as rich as a sultan. What I do expect is that you have some humility about it. Heck, I am humbled by MY income. In some communities I have lived, I am considered 'better off'. But to rub it in someones face or to make it the sole reason you may debate or use wealth as your key (or anybodies) to supposed wisdom or all-knowledge is going to get a hammer on your head. His first comment contained a brag about making $500,000 a year. And, in these times, when someone says that, I have some suspicion that they ARE a part of the problem. I have to wonder how much of the (to not be paid back) bailout money went into his Swiss bank account. Maybe not, but he picked a poor topic to pull out his wallet as if it gave him more swing. I have scissors and a devilish insistence upon using them. *snip* Ha!
Oh, and this is mostly in fun. I do not hate this guy, or his wallet. And, he can believe whatever he wishes. But he came in with his wallet in his mouth, a notion that Quota Boy's election has no impact on business, and that other people's opinions do not matter. What else was there to do BUT play? I ask you?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Perhaps today.
.
.
I have been waking early. No later than 8:00 generally and usually earlier. I have not been very active, nor have I been able to be active. It is a new week and I never do lose hope.
I have been sorting my blog this morning. Some blogs were not really active. I reluctantly let them go, finally. I also moved my Mute Monday people into one group for the ease of commenting and checking other people's, and proprietor's, responses. I do not think I have them all yet. It is a start.
Today would be a good day to at least straighten out the storage unit though I want to take the last load of weights when I do this. I then need to straighten out the back row of seats, or the material that has collected there I should say, in order to lay that row down for some of the bigger items and in preparation to have the interior cleaned. I like to have my vehicles professionally cleaned in late fall and early spring. It helps maintain the value of the vehicle (and it simply feels good, think dog gets tic bath). Laundry is still waiting to be done. Today IS probably the day for that too. If it is busy I will simply have to get in and do it anyway.
I think after I finish writing this, I will bring it into the house and treat some of my shirts. Jean offered a perfectly odd sounding piece of advice (which sort of made sense even if making sense has nothing to do with the appearance of oddness sometimes). She recommended I use peroxide on shirts with stains. Well, guess what? It works. Most of my stains are spatters from meat. Though it was all cooked, it was cooked the way I like it. Which means it was quite bloody. And, this treatment works on blood. Even the fats, however, are protein based or something? Anyway, even without rewashing the stained shirts (which I will do before wearing again anyway), the spots seem to have come out, big time. Thanks Jean! I owe you a clean shirt or three, remember that.
Money has become very tight for reasons I am not quite sure. I will figure it out sooner or later. Perhaps I spent too much and just was not tracking (though I really thought I was), or some future expenses came out early (usually companies do not charge until they ship, but I think Cabela's did charge me at the same time they extended the backorder status on a bunch of primers which completed the list of re-backordered items, according to an email). There were several other oddities as well. But that means I cannot afford to find a Best Buy and take my notebook in to have it fixed, among other things. I did fill up the gas tank, and I have a few nickels floating around here and there for an occassional meal when I am not into cooking, but the first of the month is looking seriously sexy right now. Woot! Will you take a look at that 1st and 3rd! *blush*
I realized yesterday that for the last 3 or 4 days I had not been checking the temperature here in the cave. I had to think about that. Why had I not been fussing with knowing and maintaining a proper temp considering how sensitive my body is to heat for the most part? Ah, the answer was simple. I simply could not sense heat, or cold, or... anything. Something is very wrong. I just do not know what it is. It happens in a snap and my mind simply does not realize my body has become separate. Even knowing something about this from the past, here in Utah I am able to see it much more clearly (and quickly, so perhaps recover quickly). I am amazed at the speed and depth with which this detachment occurs. I probably had not been eating or drinking much either, once it occurred, which does not help. Some connection to flesh just turns off. *click*
Well, like I said, it is a new week. I have figured out that a fuse had blown and am working on it. I also have until Saturday, or Sunday really, to be out while I can begin moving in Thursday. This time I think I can move without any help. If it is a small thing, it is a good small thing. I think I will watch my spending a bit more carefully this month though too. Whew, I hate being so close to broke that I start counting any dollar bills I might have stashed or have in my pocket(s) and wallet, and even leering at my spare change pile.
Have a great day!
.
I have been waking early. No later than 8:00 generally and usually earlier. I have not been very active, nor have I been able to be active. It is a new week and I never do lose hope.
I have been sorting my blog this morning. Some blogs were not really active. I reluctantly let them go, finally. I also moved my Mute Monday people into one group for the ease of commenting and checking other people's, and proprietor's, responses. I do not think I have them all yet. It is a start.
Today would be a good day to at least straighten out the storage unit though I want to take the last load of weights when I do this. I then need to straighten out the back row of seats, or the material that has collected there I should say, in order to lay that row down for some of the bigger items and in preparation to have the interior cleaned. I like to have my vehicles professionally cleaned in late fall and early spring. It helps maintain the value of the vehicle (and it simply feels good, think dog gets tic bath). Laundry is still waiting to be done. Today IS probably the day for that too. If it is busy I will simply have to get in and do it anyway.
I think after I finish writing this, I will bring it into the house and treat some of my shirts. Jean offered a perfectly odd sounding piece of advice (which sort of made sense even if making sense has nothing to do with the appearance of oddness sometimes). She recommended I use peroxide on shirts with stains. Well, guess what? It works. Most of my stains are spatters from meat. Though it was all cooked, it was cooked the way I like it. Which means it was quite bloody. And, this treatment works on blood. Even the fats, however, are protein based or something? Anyway, even without rewashing the stained shirts (which I will do before wearing again anyway), the spots seem to have come out, big time. Thanks Jean! I owe you a clean shirt or three, remember that.
Money has become very tight for reasons I am not quite sure. I will figure it out sooner or later. Perhaps I spent too much and just was not tracking (though I really thought I was), or some future expenses came out early (usually companies do not charge until they ship, but I think Cabela's did charge me at the same time they extended the backorder status on a bunch of primers which completed the list of re-backordered items, according to an email). There were several other oddities as well. But that means I cannot afford to find a Best Buy and take my notebook in to have it fixed, among other things. I did fill up the gas tank, and I have a few nickels floating around here and there for an occassional meal when I am not into cooking, but the first of the month is looking seriously sexy right now. Woot! Will you take a look at that 1st and 3rd! *blush*
I realized yesterday that for the last 3 or 4 days I had not been checking the temperature here in the cave. I had to think about that. Why had I not been fussing with knowing and maintaining a proper temp considering how sensitive my body is to heat for the most part? Ah, the answer was simple. I simply could not sense heat, or cold, or... anything. Something is very wrong. I just do not know what it is. It happens in a snap and my mind simply does not realize my body has become separate. Even knowing something about this from the past, here in Utah I am able to see it much more clearly (and quickly, so perhaps recover quickly). I am amazed at the speed and depth with which this detachment occurs. I probably had not been eating or drinking much either, once it occurred, which does not help. Some connection to flesh just turns off. *click*
Well, like I said, it is a new week. I have figured out that a fuse had blown and am working on it. I also have until Saturday, or Sunday really, to be out while I can begin moving in Thursday. This time I think I can move without any help. If it is a small thing, it is a good small thing. I think I will watch my spending a bit more carefully this month though too. Whew, I hate being so close to broke that I start counting any dollar bills I might have stashed or have in my pocket(s) and wallet, and even leering at my spare change pile.
Have a great day!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Odd topics.
.
.
I used to despise hot dogs. I still do, as a general rule. And, it bothered me. Why? Because it is such a common social food. Hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad, apple pie, and beer or cola seem to be very common social foods and beverages. To not like one of them is to almost be un-American. I knew this as a child, but I simply could not choke the things down. So, what does a guy do when afflicted by a dilemma of such proportions? Why, he begins experimenting.
The simple boiled version of the dog does not work for me. If the dog is cooked over a flame or in a pan until the skin is blackened, it is slightly more edible, yet still somewhat problematic especially if the interior is not cooked. What I did for hot dogs, something I do with brauts, is to boil it first to ensure a proper doneness, then cook it in a pan to leather the skin. Ah, I can finally enjoy a hot dog. If it should ever become known that an event requiring hot dogs to be eaten is to occur, what I will do is volunteer to bring the hot dogs. I will then boil them first, let them cool, and repackage them for the event.
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I have added a number of blogs which have been in my "I want on my blog" folder for some time. I had hoped to check these more often, to see if they fit with my way of thinking. However, being in a side file of a side file of a side file, they were being overlooked. I decided to add them and simply weed out what does not fit in time. There are others I am meaning to add, and I will get to them. I think they are on the broken computer, in that same file arrangement. Argh! On a day of nothingness there was something to do.
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I am curious regarding how other people re-organize their mind after a minor falling out. What works to get people motivated and back on track? How are the pieces fit back together? I have methods and techniques, but they are mostly passive and I do not have a clear idea about how they work. Whatever my illness really is, it plays a part in the fracturing of will, cohesiveness, and such as well, so when I get better it seems I do not actually need techniques. Still, it would be interesting to try actual conscious methods of reseeding a barren mindscape.
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Computer games and reading have been filling my days. Some research and a lot of blog hopping also fill in the gaps. I have been able to keep my days and nights straight, my sleep has been good, and this is all fine. I wonder what little craft or such would help fill the days. Mind you, it needs to be relatively inexpensive, masculine enough for the sniff test, and mild enough yet enjoyable enough to be practical. Knitting is not quite going to fit, nor will quilt making, sewing, needle work, or such. I am sure those are fine, I am sure some men enjoy those, they just would not work for me.
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I have found a number of sites regarding politicians. Troll is beginning a new activity based on politicians. However, I am finding it difficult to obtain originators of particular bills. I have found a site which offers information regarding bills, though quite often they seem to suggest half of whichever party is introducing the bill. What I am seeking is a place that offers up legislation or bills and directly gives the name of the author, first sponsor, or such. It would make shooting fish in the barrel a little less happenstance or random. Rather than go after a particular politician, I would rather go after legislation and the dimwit who wrote it.
So, if anyone has a link to such a site, I would be quite grateful if they would share it.
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I am hungry. I think I may attempt a quick step out of my door and a short drive somewhere for a fast take home dinner. Nothing fancy, my accounting has been an abysmal failure this month somehow. I am hungry enough at this point that I could almost eat a pine cone sandwich with a side of stainless steel bolts, if it is affordable, give or take.
.
I used to despise hot dogs. I still do, as a general rule. And, it bothered me. Why? Because it is such a common social food. Hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad, apple pie, and beer or cola seem to be very common social foods and beverages. To not like one of them is to almost be un-American. I knew this as a child, but I simply could not choke the things down. So, what does a guy do when afflicted by a dilemma of such proportions? Why, he begins experimenting.
The simple boiled version of the dog does not work for me. If the dog is cooked over a flame or in a pan until the skin is blackened, it is slightly more edible, yet still somewhat problematic especially if the interior is not cooked. What I did for hot dogs, something I do with brauts, is to boil it first to ensure a proper doneness, then cook it in a pan to leather the skin. Ah, I can finally enjoy a hot dog. If it should ever become known that an event requiring hot dogs to be eaten is to occur, what I will do is volunteer to bring the hot dogs. I will then boil them first, let them cool, and repackage them for the event.
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I have added a number of blogs which have been in my "I want on my blog" folder for some time. I had hoped to check these more often, to see if they fit with my way of thinking. However, being in a side file of a side file of a side file, they were being overlooked. I decided to add them and simply weed out what does not fit in time. There are others I am meaning to add, and I will get to them. I think they are on the broken computer, in that same file arrangement. Argh! On a day of nothingness there was something to do.
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I am curious regarding how other people re-organize their mind after a minor falling out. What works to get people motivated and back on track? How are the pieces fit back together? I have methods and techniques, but they are mostly passive and I do not have a clear idea about how they work. Whatever my illness really is, it plays a part in the fracturing of will, cohesiveness, and such as well, so when I get better it seems I do not actually need techniques. Still, it would be interesting to try actual conscious methods of reseeding a barren mindscape.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computer games and reading have been filling my days. Some research and a lot of blog hopping also fill in the gaps. I have been able to keep my days and nights straight, my sleep has been good, and this is all fine. I wonder what little craft or such would help fill the days. Mind you, it needs to be relatively inexpensive, masculine enough for the sniff test, and mild enough yet enjoyable enough to be practical. Knitting is not quite going to fit, nor will quilt making, sewing, needle work, or such. I am sure those are fine, I am sure some men enjoy those, they just would not work for me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have found a number of sites regarding politicians. Troll is beginning a new activity based on politicians. However, I am finding it difficult to obtain originators of particular bills. I have found a site which offers information regarding bills, though quite often they seem to suggest half of whichever party is introducing the bill. What I am seeking is a place that offers up legislation or bills and directly gives the name of the author, first sponsor, or such. It would make shooting fish in the barrel a little less happenstance or random. Rather than go after a particular politician, I would rather go after legislation and the dimwit who wrote it.
So, if anyone has a link to such a site, I would be quite grateful if they would share it.
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I am hungry. I think I may attempt a quick step out of my door and a short drive somewhere for a fast take home dinner. Nothing fancy, my accounting has been an abysmal failure this month somehow. I am hungry enough at this point that I could almost eat a pine cone sandwich with a side of stainless steel bolts, if it is affordable, give or take.
As I sit here crippled.
.
.
I keep think about my situation. I know my body works. I can rise out of bed, I can make a little bit to eat and pour something to drink. My mind works in that I can manipulate a faucet to wash my face and hands. I can do simple mechanical operations such as brushing my teeth, cooking, and cleaning (though that last, in part due to masculine... something... I do poorly and more infrequently than I should like, only knowing the difference due to having had women in my life who have done much better at it). And more, I can read obscure texts with some reasonable level of understanding. G.K. Chesterton is probably not the first book I would hand a newly minted, even fully developed reader. And the bible, though I would encourage even children to read it, I would expect little more than that the bible would stretch every fiber of their ability to even understand the merest basics of what the words mean very generally.
Okay, so I am suggesting that I have a decent mind, a functional body, some ability to act toward long standing health, grooming, and standard goals. So, why I cannot simply pack things into a vehicle and drive them to a storage shed, or sort the storage shed, or even leave my door, I do not know. For the last two or three days, that is simply how it has been. Something is wrong. I do not know what it is. And yet, if someone called, and said, "Let us go shooting, or to coffee, or... [fill in the blank].", I would agree, ruminate and then shower over an half hour to an hour period, and be on my way. In an emergency (unless it involves myself) or time sensitive things, I can actually be showered, shaved (in my shaving season), teeth brushed (if they have not been already), dressed, and out the door in under 10 minutes. Although, too, if that happens too often I begin avoiding the phone or knock on the door, so it is not a perfect cure.
Now, what brings this all to mind is not my situation, actually, but the situation my brother now finds himself in. He recently needed emergency back surgery. He loaded airplanes in the service for 20 years and hurt his back severely doing so. Though I suspect high school wrestling played a part in that. Back then, maybe still, they would starve themselves, or even go without water for a day or two before the pre-match weigh-in. That has to be damaging to the body of non-mature males. Though too, the long hours and hard work he did was no boon to his skeletal structure either. He was a hard worker from the day he popped out of the womb. He did not whine, complain, or slack. He was the type that, handed an impossible job, would do the miraculous at great personal cost. Bless him for it, he is the type this nation was built upon.
He will most likely be upgraded from 50% to 100% V.A. disability, and probably end up receiving SSD as well. However, and he will find out soon enough, money is nothing when one cannot get out of bed on any particular day. At least for him, people can point to an easy to understand problem and have sympathy. It is not ghosts or ghouls that haunt his life, but a bad back. Though, in truth, that means little either. People eschew, and rightly to a degree, sickness or ill health of any kind. Those who have problems are a weak link. Most people, whether they recognize it or not, are quite tribal. Weak links need not apply. As well, in a less God fearing more supperstitious nation, disability is often subconsciously feared to be contagious. He will learn this. Society has little use for the weak or broken.
I had to ask myself if I had any pleasure in his condition. No, not that such a notion was sitting out on a shelf and easy for me to see or to lay my hands on it. I simply wanted to... sweep the baffles to be sure. You see, we are no longer friends, one might say we are no longer brothers. I did look, and deeply. What I found is that I have no such pleasure at his pain, thankfully. I have no spite in me. If I have something, it is only that he might now learn to understand what my situation is like, though too I would have more hoped that the situation was temporary for him. I honestly would not wish this on an enemy, and a fallen away brother is not an enemy by a long shot. He is merely one more of the many who used to be in my life and no longer exists for me, or with me, or however one might put it.
There is much I could say to him. I think my first suggestion would be to listen to the doctors, take their suggestions and do some homework, and find out mechanically (in his case) how far he can push things. Then, from that maximum, back off a good bit and find out what he can do practically in a sustainable manner and try to hold to that. Doctors are a starting point but they are theory. He needs to take theory and make that practical, personally. I would also suggest pushing a little farther once in a while to test the limits, softly but surely, once he has become stable and has stability down pat. Next I would suggest he find hobbies, crafts, and possibly work which can fill both good and bad times. If he likes to fish, which he does, as an example, then by all means go fishing when he is up to it. When he is not up to it, learn to craft lures. Get a collection of lure parts, paints, glues, and hooks and use that to satisfy his fishing urge when his back does not let him manually partake of the sport. But no one hobby, craft, or such will fill all his time. And, money (even as decent as that is) is a lot shorter than time. Slowly building up several crafts and interests will help him a great deal. And, if he can work at all, even as a welcome man at Wal-Mart, it would add a little bit of money, keep him on some kind of schedule, and get him groomed, dressed, and out of the house occassionally, and around people. The one problem with working is that he may truly only be fit for low level work and yet that may cost him more than he could possibly earn. That is how it is in my case, or to my knowledge thus far. And I would highly disuade anyone from working under the table for a few nickels to risk a truly needed standard of living income.
Being around people is something I miss and something that missing has hurt me. I am sort of socially retarded at this point. I am not sure how to interact and quite self-conscious or conversely completely unaware of the lines people are trying to draw and popular decorum. I fly blind when in groups, which adds to the stress of being among people. Most people are used to being social, if for no other reason than from the requirements to feed themselves through work, so as to keep private things private, to maintain certain shields, and to pick up cues as to when a topic is considered out of bounds. Though, how much of that is typically male, I am never sure either. Still, I would highly recommend he at least find other men with whom to laugh, debate, fish, golf, or simply watch sports. Though I would recommend against groups and associations which drink regularly or as a part of every encounter. Alcohol, though a fine substance for occasional cheer, enhancing some days, or as salve for a particularly bad day, is not something someone with a lot of time should be entertaining too regularly. Worse yet is creating associations based first on alcohol. Too much time and relatively easy money do not mix well with occasional use.
Though, part of my failure to associate more freely has to do with a past I cannot completely recall, or recall in a fractured and ugly way which may be too much for others to deal with, and some secret parts of my life which either might leak out and dissolve friendships or which might leak out and hurt those friends I have. Friendships are not trivial things. My ghosts are toxic to all, more so in the conservative settings I choose to live. Then again, I found it to be worse in "liberal" places, so who knows. I do know I must take care in developing friendships. Associations are by far the wiser path for me. I would guess most disabled do not have the depth of stigma that I carry, so my advice is generally good.
Of course, the man will not even shake my hand. So, any advice I might offer is less than useless to him. Perhaps it will find some other man or woman who might find use for it. In any case, I am able to put it out of my mind. I did this earlier, but not to this level. Perhaps I only mentioned that it was on my mind. Now I am done with it. What else is there for a cripple to do on an off day? Clearing the mind so that when the body works again, it will work without these mental catches. No, that is not even true. But cleaning the mind and caring for mental worries is something good and useful to do on these days. I will always have other psychic catches whether my body does my will or not. And, actually, gladly. I like to ponder.
Have a great day!
.
I keep think about my situation. I know my body works. I can rise out of bed, I can make a little bit to eat and pour something to drink. My mind works in that I can manipulate a faucet to wash my face and hands. I can do simple mechanical operations such as brushing my teeth, cooking, and cleaning (though that last, in part due to masculine... something... I do poorly and more infrequently than I should like, only knowing the difference due to having had women in my life who have done much better at it). And more, I can read obscure texts with some reasonable level of understanding. G.K. Chesterton is probably not the first book I would hand a newly minted, even fully developed reader. And the bible, though I would encourage even children to read it, I would expect little more than that the bible would stretch every fiber of their ability to even understand the merest basics of what the words mean very generally.
Okay, so I am suggesting that I have a decent mind, a functional body, some ability to act toward long standing health, grooming, and standard goals. So, why I cannot simply pack things into a vehicle and drive them to a storage shed, or sort the storage shed, or even leave my door, I do not know. For the last two or three days, that is simply how it has been. Something is wrong. I do not know what it is. And yet, if someone called, and said, "Let us go shooting, or to coffee, or... [fill in the blank].", I would agree, ruminate and then shower over an half hour to an hour period, and be on my way. In an emergency (unless it involves myself) or time sensitive things, I can actually be showered, shaved (in my shaving season), teeth brushed (if they have not been already), dressed, and out the door in under 10 minutes. Although, too, if that happens too often I begin avoiding the phone or knock on the door, so it is not a perfect cure.
Now, what brings this all to mind is not my situation, actually, but the situation my brother now finds himself in. He recently needed emergency back surgery. He loaded airplanes in the service for 20 years and hurt his back severely doing so. Though I suspect high school wrestling played a part in that. Back then, maybe still, they would starve themselves, or even go without water for a day or two before the pre-match weigh-in. That has to be damaging to the body of non-mature males. Though too, the long hours and hard work he did was no boon to his skeletal structure either. He was a hard worker from the day he popped out of the womb. He did not whine, complain, or slack. He was the type that, handed an impossible job, would do the miraculous at great personal cost. Bless him for it, he is the type this nation was built upon.
He will most likely be upgraded from 50% to 100% V.A. disability, and probably end up receiving SSD as well. However, and he will find out soon enough, money is nothing when one cannot get out of bed on any particular day. At least for him, people can point to an easy to understand problem and have sympathy. It is not ghosts or ghouls that haunt his life, but a bad back. Though, in truth, that means little either. People eschew, and rightly to a degree, sickness or ill health of any kind. Those who have problems are a weak link. Most people, whether they recognize it or not, are quite tribal. Weak links need not apply. As well, in a less God fearing more supperstitious nation, disability is often subconsciously feared to be contagious. He will learn this. Society has little use for the weak or broken.
I had to ask myself if I had any pleasure in his condition. No, not that such a notion was sitting out on a shelf and easy for me to see or to lay my hands on it. I simply wanted to... sweep the baffles to be sure. You see, we are no longer friends, one might say we are no longer brothers. I did look, and deeply. What I found is that I have no such pleasure at his pain, thankfully. I have no spite in me. If I have something, it is only that he might now learn to understand what my situation is like, though too I would have more hoped that the situation was temporary for him. I honestly would not wish this on an enemy, and a fallen away brother is not an enemy by a long shot. He is merely one more of the many who used to be in my life and no longer exists for me, or with me, or however one might put it.
There is much I could say to him. I think my first suggestion would be to listen to the doctors, take their suggestions and do some homework, and find out mechanically (in his case) how far he can push things. Then, from that maximum, back off a good bit and find out what he can do practically in a sustainable manner and try to hold to that. Doctors are a starting point but they are theory. He needs to take theory and make that practical, personally. I would also suggest pushing a little farther once in a while to test the limits, softly but surely, once he has become stable and has stability down pat. Next I would suggest he find hobbies, crafts, and possibly work which can fill both good and bad times. If he likes to fish, which he does, as an example, then by all means go fishing when he is up to it. When he is not up to it, learn to craft lures. Get a collection of lure parts, paints, glues, and hooks and use that to satisfy his fishing urge when his back does not let him manually partake of the sport. But no one hobby, craft, or such will fill all his time. And, money (even as decent as that is) is a lot shorter than time. Slowly building up several crafts and interests will help him a great deal. And, if he can work at all, even as a welcome man at Wal-Mart, it would add a little bit of money, keep him on some kind of schedule, and get him groomed, dressed, and out of the house occassionally, and around people. The one problem with working is that he may truly only be fit for low level work and yet that may cost him more than he could possibly earn. That is how it is in my case, or to my knowledge thus far. And I would highly disuade anyone from working under the table for a few nickels to risk a truly needed standard of living income.
Being around people is something I miss and something that missing has hurt me. I am sort of socially retarded at this point. I am not sure how to interact and quite self-conscious or conversely completely unaware of the lines people are trying to draw and popular decorum. I fly blind when in groups, which adds to the stress of being among people. Most people are used to being social, if for no other reason than from the requirements to feed themselves through work, so as to keep private things private, to maintain certain shields, and to pick up cues as to when a topic is considered out of bounds. Though, how much of that is typically male, I am never sure either. Still, I would highly recommend he at least find other men with whom to laugh, debate, fish, golf, or simply watch sports. Though I would recommend against groups and associations which drink regularly or as a part of every encounter. Alcohol, though a fine substance for occasional cheer, enhancing some days, or as salve for a particularly bad day, is not something someone with a lot of time should be entertaining too regularly. Worse yet is creating associations based first on alcohol. Too much time and relatively easy money do not mix well with occasional use.
Though, part of my failure to associate more freely has to do with a past I cannot completely recall, or recall in a fractured and ugly way which may be too much for others to deal with, and some secret parts of my life which either might leak out and dissolve friendships or which might leak out and hurt those friends I have. Friendships are not trivial things. My ghosts are toxic to all, more so in the conservative settings I choose to live. Then again, I found it to be worse in "liberal" places, so who knows. I do know I must take care in developing friendships. Associations are by far the wiser path for me. I would guess most disabled do not have the depth of stigma that I carry, so my advice is generally good.
Of course, the man will not even shake my hand. So, any advice I might offer is less than useless to him. Perhaps it will find some other man or woman who might find use for it. In any case, I am able to put it out of my mind. I did this earlier, but not to this level. Perhaps I only mentioned that it was on my mind. Now I am done with it. What else is there for a cripple to do on an off day? Clearing the mind so that when the body works again, it will work without these mental catches. No, that is not even true. But cleaning the mind and caring for mental worries is something good and useful to do on these days. I will always have other psychic catches whether my body does my will or not. And, actually, gladly. I like to ponder.
Have a great day!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Cheers to G.K. Chesterton!
.
.
I cannot always say I fully fathom everything the man says. Simply, he is beyond me. What I do, however, is put some parts of my mind into suspended animation and simply allow what parts of my mind do function well with his work to do their jobs. Then again, how much of what I just wrote do you truly understand? Just saying. In spite of having no clue, once I relinquish the demand for control, or surety, or... something... I am able to find myself in very familiar territory. Do not ask, I do not know how.
The reading becomes a one-way conversation. It is if I have asked a friend with some basis in wisdom some profound question, and after some days and thought, he has responded. I have assured him no interruption on my part and so dutifully stifle my tongue. The beautiful part about reading as such is two fold. First, in spite of my nature, due to the fact that it is indeed a reading, I can keep my promise regarding a stifled tongue. Secondly, though not lastly, I may return instantly to what was just "said", and linger there for long moments to attempt understanding or merely enjoy the moment for longer than what would be possible otherwise.
I will not say he is a funny man. I will shout it! Just when my eyes are about the cross he throws a chalkboard eraser between my eyes. Oh I laugh. Not, perhaps, on the outside. There are those occasional chuckles. But inside, I roar like a lion at the mouse that frightened off the elephant off ground upon which it was encroaching because I frightened the mouse in my fear. Yes, I really do. I laugh until my mind is nervous that I have lost what it is, a sensible thing. His writing is alive and full and pleasing in ways I have not known for some time. It is good to be reading again. The most recent and most obvious hilarity was his treatment of Tolstoy (another favorite author). "If Tolstoy cannot admire marriage, at least he is healthy enough to admire mud." *Roars!* Maybe it is just me though I would truly hope not. The book, so far, is full of this.
I have found that in spite of little familiarity with many of the writers or thinkers with whom he debates or discusses, between his solid descriptions and my not so mild understanding and reading of the writers who came from those, I rarely find myself lost, or lost for long. This book may take a second reading, the first reading will simply align my understandings so that being lost would be less of an issue so that I might entertain his train of thought more fully. Perhaps a third reading if necessary. It depends on how long I might stay interested, and in this I think he might fully support only two readings.
Oh, I know. Most wish to be entertained without having to think. Well, he does that. I do not think, not fully, as I have already admitted. If you, dear reader, ever wish to descend into sanity, give this author a whirl. No, not one line, not one paragraph, but several chapters. I think you will find yourself involved, and perhaps in love. There is nothing more divine than eating chocolate out of a book or hunting in your own back yard, give or take.
Are you still here? Hush, go, read!
Blessings. May your wounds be tended, your heart be full, and a pot of beans always be warm on your stove. I only wish one person actually enjoyed what I just wrote. Or, could even read it in it's simplicity, or would that be complexity? I promise, I do my very best to be simple. *shrug*
Update:
When I suggested I wish I knew one person who understood what I wrote, I was discussing someone locally. Someone to talk about such things. My guess is most of the people who read here might well be beyond my capacity to discuss certain things. Further, I probably do not have the capacity to regularly meet with such a person or persons. It is just a notion... What if...
.
I cannot always say I fully fathom everything the man says. Simply, he is beyond me. What I do, however, is put some parts of my mind into suspended animation and simply allow what parts of my mind do function well with his work to do their jobs. Then again, how much of what I just wrote do you truly understand? Just saying. In spite of having no clue, once I relinquish the demand for control, or surety, or... something... I am able to find myself in very familiar territory. Do not ask, I do not know how.
The reading becomes a one-way conversation. It is if I have asked a friend with some basis in wisdom some profound question, and after some days and thought, he has responded. I have assured him no interruption on my part and so dutifully stifle my tongue. The beautiful part about reading as such is two fold. First, in spite of my nature, due to the fact that it is indeed a reading, I can keep my promise regarding a stifled tongue. Secondly, though not lastly, I may return instantly to what was just "said", and linger there for long moments to attempt understanding or merely enjoy the moment for longer than what would be possible otherwise.
I will not say he is a funny man. I will shout it! Just when my eyes are about the cross he throws a chalkboard eraser between my eyes. Oh I laugh. Not, perhaps, on the outside. There are those occasional chuckles. But inside, I roar like a lion at the mouse that frightened off the elephant off ground upon which it was encroaching because I frightened the mouse in my fear. Yes, I really do. I laugh until my mind is nervous that I have lost what it is, a sensible thing. His writing is alive and full and pleasing in ways I have not known for some time. It is good to be reading again. The most recent and most obvious hilarity was his treatment of Tolstoy (another favorite author). "If Tolstoy cannot admire marriage, at least he is healthy enough to admire mud." *Roars!* Maybe it is just me though I would truly hope not. The book, so far, is full of this.
I have found that in spite of little familiarity with many of the writers or thinkers with whom he debates or discusses, between his solid descriptions and my not so mild understanding and reading of the writers who came from those, I rarely find myself lost, or lost for long. This book may take a second reading, the first reading will simply align my understandings so that being lost would be less of an issue so that I might entertain his train of thought more fully. Perhaps a third reading if necessary. It depends on how long I might stay interested, and in this I think he might fully support only two readings.
Oh, I know. Most wish to be entertained without having to think. Well, he does that. I do not think, not fully, as I have already admitted. If you, dear reader, ever wish to descend into sanity, give this author a whirl. No, not one line, not one paragraph, but several chapters. I think you will find yourself involved, and perhaps in love. There is nothing more divine than eating chocolate out of a book or hunting in your own back yard, give or take.
Are you still here? Hush, go, read!
Blessings. May your wounds be tended, your heart be full, and a pot of beans always be warm on your stove. I only wish one person actually enjoyed what I just wrote. Or, could even read it in it's simplicity, or would that be complexity? I promise, I do my very best to be simple. *shrug*
Update:
When I suggested I wish I knew one person who understood what I wrote, I was discussing someone locally. Someone to talk about such things. My guess is most of the people who read here might well be beyond my capacity to discuss certain things. Further, I probably do not have the capacity to regularly meet with such a person or persons. It is just a notion... What if...
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