Still awake.

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I made it through the morning lull and I think I will be able to make it to the computer shop, stopping by the post office on the way. I would like to go shooting, but the only gun I have clean is the .45 and right now bullets are not on the economic menu. It is only $20 or so a box, but I would want two boxes.

Sassy is going out more often, and sometimes asking to go even when Sam chooses not to go. Sam is going out less, for whatever reason. Milk has them both happier critters, though Sassy became seriously silly. She is on a tear, beating on Sam and me, if losing in the end. I am not sure what is up with her. Growing pains I suppose.

We are supposed to get snow this weekend and into the beginning of next week. I have not checked my snow blower yet! I need to get a siphon to remove the old gas, if there is any in it, before trying to prime and start it. Old gas has a way of causing real problems. Even being left in the machine causes me worry. I simply have not checked that yet. If we get the amount of snow they suggest, I will need the snow blower. This will be, if it happens, the first snow to stick let along pile up so far this season. Oh, and I saw a predicted low of 12 coming up in about a week as well. Of course, to me, 12 F is... heavenly. If I am back to where I have been for years, I do not really suffer cold until it drops to negative 20 F. Every lover I have ever had has been able to withstand letting me open the window in the winter, as I put off enough heat... at least in bed. What they do not like is having to skitter through the cold to the warmer part of the house when waking up. Meh, I always enjoyed watching that part. *evil grins*

Well, I ought to get going. I would like to get another larger kitty litter box, now that Sassy can use it. Before it was simply too high for her to get in safely and sanely. Now it would be nice for the extra sifter and having 4 pans of the same size for switching in and out and cleaning and allowing to dry. The kit comes with two pans, along with the sifter, so having one "pan" already along with another, given that it's a set, accounts for the numbers. In case you were wondering.

Have a great day!

In spite of extra sleep, I am quite tired.

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I suppose it just takes time. This would be my sleep time, or nearing it, if I had not slept extra long last night so I suppose it is to be expected. I did buy, finally, coffee. I may try that and a small breakfast of oatmeal and an egg, along with coffee. My new pot is not in, yet. Well, it might be. On my way to shop I stopped at the post office. I have two slips indicating that I have packages in. It sort of surprised me as usually packages are delivered via UPS or the other. I was wondering about that because when Amazon emailed me, they indicated there was a problem with delivery. They offered a link to USPS, but that link is not functional in handling packages in my zip code, so I just assumed that undeliverable meant just that. I will go in today and see if my cookbooks, pressure cooker set, and such, are in. One can hope, if doubt as well.

The kitchen has been swept, the kitty litter changed, milk has been offered though the mousers did not seem as interested as I had thought they might. Everything I purchased has been put away, beans are soaking. So, I suppose I did do some work. I noted that my bedroom smells like a manroom, beastroom really. So, I suppose, I should get on that. I was wondering if my sense of smell was going because I had not noticed any foul smell lately. The bedroom would not be noticeable as I am either sleeping or barely awake when in there. No, I think my nose is still good... well, as good as man noses go.

Oh, there is a young woman who I see frequently when I shop. She is, to say the least, different. She is... interesting. She is young enough to be a mother, seems single, seems interested, and is interesting. I always talk her up, though tonight I just smiled, nodded, and said a few things... then rushed off. Not to be rude, or seem disinterested, but too, showing too much attention is not a good thing either. None of that was the issue, however. As I said, I am natural at these things. She would make for a controversial wife, should that come about. But, what about me or my life is not controversial? No, not inter-racial or any such thing. Tattoos my friend, and visible and such. There is just something about her, a combination of innocence and not. The tattoos, like money, strength, finesse, and other traits or qualities or considerations, are only an indication of something. Anyway... Yeah. Whatever.

Hey, I think out of the box here and in real life. A woman comes to a man as she is, and he either bites or spits her out. I like this one. Oh, I would be fine with a woman with no tattoos and all normal other things too. Actually I would prefer that for all intents and purposes. All I know is that when a woman attracts me, I then begin considering why that is so and maybe working on it. Yes I do.

Well, later.

Some success, some not.

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While shopping I always check what food storage is available. I have been having a difficult time finding the types of plastics I like. I have some glass, if they are smaller and more for the freezer to my mind. After throwing out the larger junk ones, I have not seen decent sized snap tight lid types in some time. Well, tonight was the night. I found many in many sizes, the largest holds 2.5 gallons, and I bought five or six other smaller sizes. Now I feel ready to tackle batch cooking much more readily.

I did find an internal hard drive, the last on the shelf. A Seagate Barracuda, 1 tb, and pretty much what I had been hoping to find. A 500 mb device would have been fine, but that was not to be. At $130 or so, plus $6 for a warranty (yes, for this, definitely), I cannot go wrong. The problem is, it does not work either. I am thinking my system has a problem. It connects to the motherboard, so I went into bios. Everything is set to automatic, nothing detects another device. I am not sure what else to do in bios. I do not know enough to really try and troubleshoot. I do have the manual for the motherboard and bios somewhere, though I do not think it will help. I honestly think I have everything set to seek or find a new hard drive. So, there I am. I will simply have to take the machine, plus my old hard drive, in and see if I can get this fixed. I would like to have them all working, to be honest. If I buy a newer system, I will salvage the 1 tb for that, along with what else I have planned. Well, at least I got of my duff, got out, found what I needed, and set it up as I am able. Hopefully this afternoon I will have my machine back to gaming specs.

I will also ask about the printer. For whatever reason, it simply is not functioning for me. The printer does show up, from time to time, as connected through the USB, but then it disappears and never works. I simply do not know what the problem is. I cannot find a security issue either. No, not sure where the problem is. It has worked, and well, before. Faxes to printing to copying, this system used to do it all. The only thing it might be, again, is memory issues. When the only hard drive gets down to a certain level, RAM may become problematic (something like that). I know there is a place to check and change that parameter... Hmm, might have to look. *sigh* Well, there is hope.

Oh, I have washed and dried the storage containers. I did not buy them then let them sit around for a month or two before cleaning them and getting them ready for service. As such, I will soak beans to cook sometime today, and cook rice as well. Bit by bit, with a little incentive from the local peeps, I seem to be getting back into the grove. And, yeah, it does feel right... good... and about time.

Well, that is that.

The push is on.

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Okay, so I have been crippled a bit lately. And I have a wonderful talent for understatement. After the visitations, I have been trying to figure out how to kick out of the rut, get on my feet, and then back into the saddle. Really? Yes, really. Looks can be deceiving. When one is flat on their back and in a rut, getting out is not always what it might seem. Sometimes, when you roll right to the edge of the rut and it would seem you should keep pushing in that direction, you would be wrong. You must go back and either rest a bit and try again, try the other side, or try the same side you almost got out, depending on what looks best. Momentum is required. If you lost it all getting that close to the edge of getting out you must either rest, or reverse course hoping to build enough momentum to get out the other side. If you trust me on nothing else, trust me on this. I do know this thing.

The first thing I did today, consciously, toward becoming more functional, was to stay in bed longer, consciously trying to sleep longer. As I have noted, I cannot reverse my schedule. Or to put it another way, I cannot wake up earlier in order to reset my working time schedule. If I am waking up at 10:00, there is no way I can begin waking at 8:00 and then 6:00. I have to oversleep my way to waking at 6:00. Like a clock that has no mechanism to reverse the shown time, one must advance the time to the wanted new shown time. So, I slept an extra five or six hours. Further, when I finally did get out of bed, I took a shower right off the bat. No more musky me, whenever I get up. If I skip a day of showering, I must then at least comb my hair and or wear a cap. It had been... some time since I showered last. My soap did NOT want to get near me. Shampooing took... a bit. Can you say 'old goat'?

I could not get out yesterday. No shopping, no computer shop, nothing. I did eat, and kept up on the dishes. Other than that, nothing. Today, since I am up later, I am hoping to try and get some of those things done. No promises. I cannot offer those. I can only tell you that I am itching to get back up and going. Even one such as I am affected by the social. More so than I am affected by my own plans, ideas, or such. I guess, after all, I am not an island? Yeah, I suppose.

The good thing about tinkering with the computer is that I have realized how easy it was. I was beginning to worry, after so many years, if I had forgotten all I knew and that things would be Greek to me, or at least forms of Greek I am either no longer familiar or forms I never learned. *grins* Learn math, you will collect some Greek. Become familiar with the English Language as Americans speak it, and you will learn more Greek. Trust me on this, though less so than earlier, if you wish. Nope, I was able to clearly see what was going on, what to do, what to try, and how to do it. The tight spots of some of the plug options, the complexities of finding a cords two ends once it has been bundled, and a few other things, of course, remain a pain in the butt. Still, it is better than engines, where a tight spot often can mean busted knuckles. Yes... I... do... remember.

I know a good deal. Not so much about mechanics, though I could learn more on that if I chose to. I still hate to have greasy oily hands and filth under the fingernails that cannot be removed... which is why I could never be a mechanic of any sort. It is... repulsive to some aspect of my nature, if I do respect those who not only can do that but will do it, and more if they like to do it. I am electrical or combat, with a nod to mechanical. Still, if it comes to it, my hands will go in... But it had better mean the difference between life and death.

I boiled a goodly lot of eggs. They are cooling as I speak, and seem to peel quite nicely this time! Yes, a strange thing to be excited about, but stored boiled eggs, along with cooked rice and beans, in the refrigerator, means I can cook less but much better when I do, and still eat a much better set of foods. Variety, along with bulk and fine cooking, will make any efforts I commit to much more possible. This time I used every trick I knew and one my friend recommended, used my "good water", and boiled in a precise military manner, watching everything closely. They needed a bit more cook time after the boil, the middles a little soft, so... The timer is going off, it is time to deal with those. Now, I like, even love, softer centers, perhaps even liquid to a degree, for fresh hot breakfast. But for refrigerator stored peeled eggs, no... Well, to the eggs. By the way, the boiling pot is already cleaned. If I make it to the store, I will use it to cook rice later.

One last update, all the dishes are now clean. I will spend an hour or two looking over my news and blog sources (often more news from blogs, actually), and wake up. Then to the store. Hmm, now would be a great time to put in a load of laundry, while I am at it and getting on top of things.

That is all...

Doh!

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Okay, I really have started getting my home straightened. It does take time, and while doing so, I have not been tending to my own grooming. Yes, squirreled away in what had been an unbreachable abode, I have... been lax. Dishes, trash, kitty litter... Tended and well and usually, with only dishes sometimes falling slack. But these are all up to par now. Grooming and minor tending... is on the list. I have made small inroads here and there, but much remains. Oh, no, I do not live in a pigpen even at my worst. It is simply a little cluttered and unkempt. Just so you know. I may be a bachelor, but I am not a complete sloth.

Three more visitors, ladies all, visited this evening... just after I woke up. Even if I do tend to grooming, well, I will have to work on my schedule. There would not have been time to groom between waking and their visit, and to be honest, right after I wake up I... well, I smell. I am sort of funky, like any wild animal. I definitely smell like a bull male, heavy, harsh, musky. Still, they were rather pleasant. Oh, but this time I at least welcomed them into my home. I really felt bad about not doing so last time. And, from now on, good or bad, visitors will be brought in. Which reminds me, I ought to keep something on tap for visitors. Beer is not quite the going social liquid refreshment, and is not even a regular item for me. But hot cocoa might be. Or at least water. Yes, yes, grumpy as I am that is how I prefer to roll. But I need to get the living room a bit sorted out so that company may enter and be seated as well. Some grump I am turning out to be!

Other problems include that I still have not taken my machine in or gone shopping. Today is, sort of, just starting. A shower and to the store before I get bogged down in work here. I really need some food. I do quite well with the stores I have on hand in spite of being low. That is something else I garnered from my mother. Having been a farm lass and having been a single mother, she learned that two groups of vegetables whether they be from can, fresh, a quick stop at a store, or home canned, a meat, and milk, water, juice, or something (we did not 'do soda' except as rare treats), and a meal for our little family was on. Mixing, matching, and experimenting, a little spice, a little love, and a bit of work makes for fine food. And it beats eating out any day. Anyway, I best get to the store as I would like some of my regular meals and to quit tearing into my short term stock. (Short term stock is loverly to have, by the way!)

My lady friend keeps calling. She wants flight information I have printed and sent, and yet my machine is broken down that way. She does not have email, so I cannot simply forward it. I am going to try one more thing tonight, to try and get that functional. I am wondering if the new security ware is the problem, though I have no real clue how to begin fudging that just enough to allow the printer and yet keep it whole enough to remain secure... if that is indeed the problem. Further, all attempts to get the second hard drive functioning have failed. I could not use the cords currently not attached to the working hard drive as they simply do not fit. As is, the cord that is used in the functional hard drive had to be "modified" to fit (probably using a high tech device, like a Dremel, bah!). Custom computer builders are not what they are cracked up to be. Although it has worked for into 7 or 8 years, that they did not use the correct cord is annoying (as a friend would say, for the charges they priced). I have to give them that 7 or 8 going onto 8 or 9 years though. While shopping, I may see if I can find a hard drive to add in. I am not sure if the old hard drive is dead or if the connections are dead, perhaps the wiring is dead. I simply do not know.

In any case, I cannot get the information to my lady friend, or much else, until I figure out the computer. Gahhhh! Everything happens all at once, it seems.

In any case, I have truly enjoyed the few visits that have occurred. What guy would not enjoy having six women stop by to say hello from time to time? And a couple of gents before that? Oh, and another lady before even that? Never happened in Iowa City. And, as reclusive as I seem, I enjoy company. Most people are so busy that company is a luxury they rarely entertain. My problem is that I have so much time that visiting people would make me a pariah. So, I leave the door open and let them choose the time. Which, also, can be a difficulty. Although, with this many people to bother, I might start visiting on a rotating basis. Exploring who does not mind a visitor from time to time, who has the time and interest, and... well... getting out a bit. Who knows what kind of troubles the locals are into. There might be hunters, or hikers, or shooters, or eaterists ('nother made up word, sue me), or horsemen and women, or... well, you get the gist.

I will... figure these things out... eventually. Oh, these three ladies, the visitors from tonight, wanted to pass on information to the lady of the house. They saw my mother here, or something, and thought to invite her to lady's functions, such as knitting groups and such. And they suggested, that if I needed help with things, that they would be willing to provide assistance through their husbands or other men. I offered them my number and suggested that if they need help, and can call a day or two in advance (or even stop by and check), that because I have no schedule, I would be willing to pitch in. I have forgotten to do that up to this point. Yes, yes... not much, but it is what I have to offer. And, who knows, perhaps they will find work for these idle hands. I might even learn something too. You know, a knock on my door might be all it takes to unlock what I am and can do... again. I once was a wonderful worker, hard, smart, dedicated, interested, and... once, long ago, able.

Well, time to shower and get on the road. I might do the dinner dishes though. Now that people are visiting, I had best keep on top of that. Later.

Still tinkering with the computer.

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I am not sure what went wrong. I do know, in the shop, he had both hard drives working. Now only one is working. I have tried various attachments, none seem to work on the bigger hard drive. So, I am about to try the attachment on the hard drive that is working on the hard drive that is not and go through another battery of trial and error. To be honest, I worry that this may kill the good hard drive, but such is the way of things. If all else fails, I will simply buy two more hard drives. I may be buying one already anyway. Wish me luck.

Oh, and I did get the last of the dishes washed and put away. I would love to make some oatmeal now, but since I did not make it into town, I have no milk. And, yes, I can be predictable about some things. Milk with oatmeal is a non-negotiable. On another matter, Sassy finally worked up the nerve to go out, slightly after Sam, on her own and without any intervention on my part. No milk plus a little more size makes her just a little more curious? Ah, but it is a good thing. She was the first to let me know she wanted in. Sam came home about a half an hour later. I do think, now, that Sassy has learned not to follow Sam. Smart kitty, if I read Sam as well as I think. *evil grins* (Hate those older/younger siblings sometimes, no?)

Well, back to spoding my machine. Later... Maybe much later. By the way... since I am still up, I may just try and make a day of it. It is a brutal thing, and often does not really help me reschedule, but... with the added pressure of wanting to be social... it might. Later, again...

Much done much to go.

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My plans hit a little snag... reality. The dishes, actually, took much more time to do than what I had anticipated. Part of the problem is that I have been cooking with and eating more cheese than usual. Well, cheese it seems, is not a pleasant or easy item to clean out off pots, bowls, plates, silverware, or... anything. And it gets everywhere. No worries, I enjoyed the cheese and I did get everything clean, finally. Well, cheese and that I had about 8 pots on top of everything else. No, not the little pots. The smallest pot I have is 8 quart. It is cute next to the big ones. I did set those to soak last not, putting down newspaper on my table for them to set upon while I soaked all the dishes I could fit in the sink. Of course, now I have more dishes to do as, after a good bit of work, I became very hungry. Those are now soaking and will be done, I think, before I go to bed.

Tomorrow will be the day for shopping, the computer shop if I cannot figure the problem out on my own yet tonight and I am just about to start on that, and shooting if the weather is good. Wait, scratch shooting. I still have not cleaned my guns. They all need more than a spit and shine, other than my .45 which is pristine at the moment. If I have energy after getting home, I will try to get to laundry. I have a ton of that to go through.

The visitors are what I needed. Actually, not just them but this last group was the main catalyst. People have been visiting and I have been meaning to visit the man who harvests the alfalfa. I sort of have a plan to visit some of these people, and to have my home in such order (regularly) to invite people in when they happen to knock. I really should not be embarrassed to let people in, but I currently am embarrassed. Who knows, maybe someone will simply visit, or stop by to see if I could lend a hand for a moment or longer, or such. None of that will become as natural and frequent if I am not able to welcome people in. Some people might be comfortable otherwise, and if it were ongoing construction in the middle of an already busy life that would be another thing too, but this is not that and I am not those people. For good or ill, this is a thing passed from mother to son, strongly. I think it is for the good. Just like my unwillingness to leave the house unbathed, even after only a single day.

So, it seems all I needed was a little push. Interaction with people is a wondrous thing. Especially people who are clearly share interests and are neighborly. In spite of my obvious state of being, they have all even been pleasant. This is... new to me. Even some of the people in Iowa City who where pleasant where merely looking for... something, anything. These people really are not. The back lot? But they were willing to pay for it. Imagine, offering to pay for something that really is no loss to me to offer. Yes, I live in a different place and I want to catch the wind. Which means a bit tidier abode. Plus, I want to start visiting some of these people with offers of food, a hand, or merely a bit of talk. Which reminds me... I need to start going to the post office when it is open. Hmmm, that might be incentive to begin my walks out to the lake. The weather is cool enough to be good and will soon be cold! Well, walking there in the winter might be a bit tricky. The road does close in quite a bit and is narrow as is. Snowshoes? Cross country skis? Hmmm...

Well... whatever. I am getting a fresh start. I may complain about women. And rightly darn it! But uhrm, that does not always mean all that much. Dogs bark. Still, they do something for men, even men who are not their own. Annoying. But I like how that whole thing works anyway. Well, a few searches on the internet, a looking over of the machine to see if I can get it to work, a few more dishes to finish off with a clean kitchen tomorrow, and then to bed I think. Good night, probably.

Visitors!

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I am still in my pajamas and have not fully awaken yet, let alone showered, but I received a knock on my door, then the doorbell. So, I ran and got my baseball hat, for some modicum of presentability, and answered the door. For some reason, here, I will answer the door even if I am in poor shape. I guess it is because I have real neighbors here. Neighbors I do not have to fear or kill. Three women were there and... had a question. Am I using my back lot, do I have any livestock? Well, no, not yet, not this year. Could they use it? Well, urhm, I am sort of leasing it to Paul for the alfalfa. This would not be problem, it is simply for a short period as their field is a bit wet and congested, so deteriorating, the main speaker says. Well, then, certainly! She offered rent, and I suggested for $3,000 a month, I would be all good... then chuckled. No rent, I insist. Not for neighbors.

The conversation could have ended there, but several topics came up. Goats, of which they have several (many?), and rabbits, and chickens. These folks, all of them, are... well... animal lovers! (Of the homesteading varietal.) So, we discussed these various things. Goats only need milked once a day (that is new to me). Rabbits are not quite the work that they might seem either, so I was told. And, reading about these things might be more of an issue than actually just doing, I am told. So... I now have a source of information and livestock, have met some of my neighbors, and will have some livestock in my back yard if temporarily. Neat. Oh, and they will be checking the fence to make sure it is good for their needs and improving if necessary! I suggested, if they need or want help, to try and contact me. I also suggested that it might be difficult, as my sleeping patterns are haywire, a thing I have been struggling with for into the third decade now, but I suggested I am worth the attempt if it is successful. (Yes, I do like to work, especially to learn or if someone else knows what they are doing and just needs a hand, though those sort of go hand in hand a bit.)

Good things do happen to bad people! Well, not bad, broken? Yeah. Then again, as I suggested to them, I chose this place, this city, and this state for a real reason. It is filled with real people. People living the way I am hoping to figure out how to live. People learning that wealth is in self-sufficiency, and that good things come to those who toil. I do probably need to get over my incessant notion that work needs to be Spartan in nature. Even the Spartans knew that, while I seemingly have missed a nuance or dozen in those ways. I did not tell them but believe the horrid make-belief riches of the city are banal, evil, ugly, polluted, harsh, and even often (usually) fatal in both fleshly and spiritual ways. I could not have been more correct in my assessments about this town, as I come to see more and more. Now to get off my bum and make use of the resources and offer my work to make it all work for myself and others. Yes, freedom is free, but you have to choose it. It is work, time, and effort, but you will be employing these no matter the case, even one such as me.

Just... an update. Now for dishes, a shower, and shopping. Later.

Out.

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Out of milk, food, and hard disk space so much so that I cannot even get my game to play. I had been able to trick the game into letting me on in spite of my memory issues, if I did have to deal with the occasional reboot every 2 to 3 hours of play. However, every Tuesday they do a patch of some sort which makes the program just a tad larger. Today's patch put the game just out of range. I cannot make milk or food, at least at this point, and my efforts to find and get my second hard drive going has been ineffective. Which means I need to leave the cave. I may go shopping tonight, I might even look for another hard drive and try to install it myself. Availability is the only real problem... whether I can find one or not. Of course, I could just check the hardware I have and make sure it is connected. Yeah, we will see. If I shop tonight, then taking the machine in is less of a stress, topped with shopping, tomorrow.

The cats have been begging for milk. I have been able to somewhat mollify them with their treat... the soft cat food. But they, and I, need milk! I still have canned tuna and chicken, but all other meats save for one mongo ribeye, is gone. Pasta is low, but I still have grains of various sorts. Though I am down to long brown rice, oatmeal, and cracked grains, the store that sells what I buy is not open at night so that will be a tomorrow thing.

A good thing, too. If I never needed to leave the house I simply might not ever do so. My difficulty is finding purpose, reasons strong enough to force me out. I have little connection with life at the moment, but my hunger is stronger than my detachment, or I am trying to make it so. And I enjoy giving the furry pests a treat of milk occasionally. The rewards are very good. If I cannot have people friends, Sam and Sassy can fill in to a degree.

I may just do dishes to start the night off. Then, treat myself to a large meal when I return. Perhaps more than a one pan special, too! Then again, even one pan specials often take two pans or pots the way I do things. Then again, if I do the dishes, all of them, I might just eat out as both a treat and a way to guarantee I will start fresh with a clean kitchen tomorrow. Yeah, that is more like it.

Later.

Stuck.

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For whatever reason, I am well and truly stuck. Appointments may have come and gone, and to be honest, I simply cannot track them. Letters and probably a phone call or two have been meant to remind me. Since I cannot figure life out, those mean little. Time passes and things happen. Very little has to do with me and I have very little means of altering that at this point. It has been a rough go.

I am continuing to try to eat more than I had been. And, for the most part, I am succeeding. I am eating once, sometimes twice, a day. Vegetables are being added a bit more regularly. I will have to do some shopping very soon though... and dishes. Sassy and Sam eat far better and much more regularly than I do. And their bathrooms get cleaned much more frequently as well. Then again, my bathroom does not need as much attention. I cleaned even my bathroom recently, mostly on a lark? Yeah, well, it did get the presidential treatment.

I am not sure how to break out of this. As I have said, and even if I am losing track of appointments and time, I do have memory and some decent function. The problem is I simply cannot get my leg back in the saddle to ride ahead on any number of things. So I sit. I do not stew, if I might grumble about this or that. For the moment, I am stuck. I have no clue how to begin again, either.

That is it for now.

Back to gaming.

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I always feel a little nervous when I have not played a game in some time. Two to three months, or more, is a long time. I usually get into the game and just... tinker doing little bits of nothing before diving in. Eventually, I get to the point where I begin to play. I choose a character I have had better luck with, as for survivability. And so it went. Unless you play World of Warcraft, you probably do not know what a warlock is. In game, it is a number of things, but mostly you might understand it as a good guy (can be bad though) who uses bad magic. After I leveled as much as I could with that character before rested experience bonuses ran out, I went to my rogue. Well, those characters are assassins, thieves, and dirty fighters. I also set up my druid (good guy with nature magic, give or take). The druid is my highest level character, and would be called on for raids. As well, that character can get items for the lower level characters, things which advance their leveling a great deal. I played that character, fearing I had lost my ability to heal. Healing and tanking (a particular warrior configuration) are the more difficult positions to play. After setting up an add-on which helps me cast healing much more easily, and tweaking that, I am back in the game if not back on top. That will take a little time. Still...

It is good to be back in the game. I had to reset everything, from skills to game add-ons to... everything. And with 10 characters, I am going through them, setting them up, then playing them one at a time. This will kill time and demand that I stay on top of things. I have to sort in game, choose what to keep, sell, or toss sometimes. The game changes often, and keeping on top of that demands some thinking, reconfiguring characters from traits to armor to weapons.

Now, I do have some difficulty playing. The man who fixed the machine did not get both hard drives back to availabilty, though I think that was a mistake. As I do believe he found that they both still work. I may tinker with that. If I cannot get it to work, I may have to take it back. As is, I only have 1.5 gb left on the one drive I have. This seems to be a problem for WoW, the machine, or both. The memory the game needs, or the RAM uses to help it, or something, stretches beyond a certain point and I get booted. The machine simply reboots itself. No major problems occur, but I could see where problems might build up or something. Such is life in a techy world.

Well, it is time to take the trash out and then go to bed. Good night... or... morning more like it.

On dogs and man.

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Watching a bit of tube while waking up this morning, I happened to flick to a channel I rarely if ever have watched. On it was a program concerning how dogs may have been domesticated. In the show, Russian scientists had collected a number of wild foxes. They breed the ones which, initially, showed little or no signs of aggression to man or fear of man. They kept breeding this way. After a few generations, those foxes became not just neutral, but interested in people. After fifty generations, their physical characteristics also changed, taking on forms more representative of... domestic dogs! To counter and test, they also bread the foxes that were the most aggressive toward people. In studies, at various points, they realized something. The difference, whatever the genetic realities, had a specific biological process in common. The difference was the production of adrenaline. I would almost bet, too, that if they looked, they would have seen a difference in testosterone. 

No, men are not animals. However, I would suggest that we have similar biochemical processes. Something I have noted, after looking over some personal genetic traits with various studies on the human genome, is a high probability that I am very "tolerant" to adrenalin, and testosterone. In other words, it does not affect me as deeply as it does most men. I have plenty of both, maybe too much, but my body does not have a common reaction to it. I do not become hyper aggressive, I can control that much more readily than John Doe. Actually, my increase in size along with having white aspects in my hair at an early age, both correlate with the notion, though there are other traits. Interestingly, the foxes were initially black. When they began being bread for civility, their fur also began to go white. 

Hey, just... kicking around ideas. 

 Anyway, if this is all a given, there is one more step. Most people who go through trauma can come back from it. They, like all problem people, have to hit bottom. Perhaps my reaction to these biochemicals simply does not allow me to hit bottom. I end up sleeping or staying awake longer periods as my body does not know how to deal with the elevated doses or crashing down from that. It is all just speculation, but it does have some merit.

When one is poor of sleep...

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One has little choice but to be rich in thought. Too bad it does not actually pay. Thought alone is not easily monetized. Well, I have not found a way. Some consistent action and probably leveraging finances are required. Not being able to be awake on a regular schedule and not really having an education which would allow me to find problems, whether known or not, and solve them in the good time I do have, is most of the problem. Only if I had that and did that would I then be potentially need to be seek investment capital. So, my thoughts are about what I do know, or understand, or deal with regularly.

I have dug, more recently, more deeply into an issue that has caused me to think, and often, in the past. I have seen people in situations similar to mine become downright dangerous to society. I have also seen such people become truly insane, unable to cope with their situation. Then again the medications they put some people on do as much damage as any mental illness or situational problem or physical illness ever could too. Many others self medicate and become one or the other of those as well. Now, I am not fit as a fiddle. I am not functional or involved. I lose time I do not have doing less than snails even on their short days. But I am neither insane, broken completely, or addicted to drugs. Heck, I cannot even stay well and truly addicted to games! Bah, some boring statistic I turned out to be.

I have been looking at this since my recent posts. I really am shattered. My personality is scattered, as if a plane crashed over a field. There are aspects of me everywhere, but not in the form I was born, raised, or even became as a young man. Strong headed and humble can tumble out like they were the same thing. Thinking, caring, and oblivious will bundle into some kind of package the next moment. On it goes, confusion wrapped in mystery surround by uncertainty in a field of the mundane. Further, I actually do like people, if groups of them and strangers give me slight or more pause. Imagine looking at your mind, personality, and emotional moment viewed in a mirror that is shattered and yet remains suspended. I simply cannot get a fix on who or what I am, if I have been sure to be safe. First to others and then to myself.

I cannot explain why I have come through this, considering, in such good shape. I am glad for it. I really see how it could be worse. I have seen far worse. Perhaps my sense that God was calling, and that I wanted to answer, is what saved me. Perhaps I was merely gifted by God, though I do not think He works that way, except in the round about way that doing one's best to do His will leads to better things. Then again, is not faith itself a gift? Complications, toil, trouble, and all, I find no answers, only more questions. I have been here before, if not quite as deeply. Until I moved to Utah, I could not be coherent for so long. If I did seem to function before, I could not put the moment before, the current moment, and the one to come together... in memory or cohesive thought, and often.

I do see, much more plainly, that there is probably no way to fix this. School could not do it. Though if I could afford to go, without worrying about employment, I would enjoy it. A class here, a lecture there, a lab there, maybe even acting or music lessons, all these would enrich my life, when and if I could attend at any given moment. Stress, of course, hurts. And yet as I was becoming able to overcome the stresses, I was improving... until they started messing with high blood pressure medicine. Though, I see clearly now, I could never have made it to employment. I am simply too tired or too not tired to ever run on a regular schedule.

I do know, if I had turned to crime, I probably would have become a vigilante. At one time I hated those who escaped punishment, especially those who escaped it because of a technicality. I have since amended that to simply terribly disliking the injustice of it. I suppose that is why, to a greater degree, I see Hannibal Lecter as a bit of a hero... and Batman. Fictional, I am sure, but all fiction is based upon something. Notions, my friends, are real. Ideas are more real than the bodies we inhabit. We can die, they cannot. I suppose I finally decided that hate only killed me, no matter how I wrangled it. And, so, over time, I have slowly, begrudgingly at times, released hatred. And without the force of hatred, I could not move from anger to killing.

But why I did not shatter in such a manner that I would not have a choice? I think... now that I write... that it was that I shattered over a long period of time. My childhood set the stage and the Navy, if the final act, only set in motion what I had subconsciously seen coming for a long time. No small taps, there and then, but definitely the final ones. I was able to see and... freeze the things which I did not want, even if I could not change the outcome in most other ways. Perhaps. I still wonder.

Oh well, I will wonder until I die. I will not even bother God with the question if I might find the answer anyway. I am actually pleased to know life, some intricacy regarding love and joy and even tears and pain and malice and strife. I am saddened by my inability to join with the rest of the raindeer, yet that I can enjoy my little lot in life is enough. I am pretty sure I will not find a wife and then begin a family, but I have a whole world as my family. No, I will not hold a grudge to heaven and to God. I will, merely, wonder. And I will never... quite... give... up. Hrrumph!

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time? Yeah, that.

About the kitchen.

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I have continued to eat. Two inch and a half thick ribeyes put me back in the game. I have been trying to eat enough and yet I always feel hungry. Like sleep, not eating enough will sneak up on you, and like thirst you cannot simply drink enough to rehydrate quickly. When I fall, hydration is sort of cared for mindlessly if probably not perfectly, but food is not. I could eat a lot of food for a lot of days just to get my body back on track. Actually, that would help a good deal.

I have been experimenting with rice and tuna, a lot, lately. Into that I have started adding random cans of vegetables. As well, I have been adding spice. To be honest, heavy and hot works far better than merely savory. Some say savory can include hot, I should add, but not how I see things. Hot is all on it's own to my mind. In any case, a bit of the hottest cayenne I have found, a bit of ginger, some black fresh ground pepper, and salt, put over canned tuna fried in butter, with a good shovel of rice on top, turns into a heavier warming edible delight. I may even experiment with adding allspice or cinnamon.

I suppose what I am trying to say is... food does not have to be fancy to be quite satisfying. Though I actually do not care for beans and rice together, I love having each with various meats. I am not so sure about tuna and beans, texturally at least, it seems wrong. But tuna and rice provides a great deal of good food, nutrients, calories, and such. I could even see it without the butter, but a fat of some kind would always help. And a can of various green or red vegetables filled the plate out wonderfully. Asparagus, spinach, and carrots have been tried so far. Though I am guessing pumpkin, squash, okra, and a number of other veggies might be wonderful too. I just wanted to pass that along. Experiment!

Though I am not messing with haute cuisine much lately, what I do is pleasing, affordable, and within range of my capacities, finances, and the direction I am going. Bon appetit!

Comparing, if mostly apples to oranges.

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I have been honing the profile of the machine I would like. Advice here, reading there, and comments. I also looked at two companies who will build the machine I am looking for to compare prices. Actually, I would save $1,500 or more building it myself. I was a bit surprised at that, especially since I can order even better components than what are even listed as available at either of the better rated sites I have explored.

Still, when it comes right down to it, for a top machine, and dual monitors, it would come right to about $3,200 or so. I could trim some fat, to be sure. I could easily cut the price to $2,600, losing an extra monitor and just settling the rest down to standard. And, I could probably live with that. I could even cut the thing to, say, $2,200 and probably be just fine and have all the room for upgrades with time. The thing is I actually use this device for much of my life. If it were a trinket or merely a toy, I could see going low and adding later or not. But this is my primary entertainment and actually, at this time, lifestyle. The machine I am using has lasted 7 years. So, $3,200 divide by 7 is $528 a year or $44 a month. And, if I let it go, I can cut all other costs to a bare minimum while I whittle time away and yet without sleeping too much, even in the winter. Not the perfect medicine or means of stowing myself, but not that bad of one either.

Of course, there are some things to consider. The technical situations or processes mentioned all require extra cooling. While air cooling is good, it might not be enough, so I am considering an enclosed (no need to fill) liquid cooling device for the cpu. Even with it enclosed, with no need to fill, I am itchy about that. Dunno, something about liquid and electricity in a small area at the same time gives me pause. As well, getting the cooling systems needed installed well enough to keep the device cool and yet trying to keep the system quiet is yet another trick. My current machine is the Harley of computers. Low, slow, loud, and big. I do not want to repeat that.

I wish I could pass along the list, for advice, but to enroll in Newegg, you have to put in name and town and all that jazz. That is not going to happen. So, I cannot put it on my wishlist and I cannot share the profile. Still, it is a decent rig with some nice features. It is rather upgradeable. Then again, like all machines, it has some flaws. It always come down to this or that, high or low, and what might seem better is not, at least in the short run. In other words, it comes down to whether you like it, whether it will work for what you want it to do, and whether you can pay for it (affordability... huh?). It would be nice to be able to have people look it over and offer advice though. One and a half, two and a half, or even a whole 3 minds is or are... well... better. I think. Unless I am making supper, then get the hell out of my kitchen.

Free trade?

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Looking over the topic, and considering this and that, I am still for free trade. Now, whatever you have been told, understand that no such thing exists at this point. Free trade, true free trade, is an exceptional idea. No fees, fines, taxes, or such imposed on the exchange of goods delivered over borders is an excellent manner of trade. There are, of course, caveats.

First, all of what passes for free trade, at this time, is no such thing. The U.S. has simply agreed to using a blindfold and having our nation's hands tied behind it's back in these deals. I think this is being done to encourage manufacturing and other work out of the nation. Whether this is done because of the cost of U.S. workers, unions, or the dreaded environmental lobby, though probably a bit of all of those, is unclear and probably depends more on which government agency, department, bureaucrat, or elected official is doing the pushing.

China, for example, is cheating so heavily and handily that the trade imbalance is impossible. This does bring cheap goods into the markets, while collapsing the eventual ability of Americans to be able to afford even those goods. I have, for many years now, considered why complaints to the WTO have not gone forward. It is because U.S. politicians want what is happening to happen (and perhaps to a minor degree because that organization would not act in our interests in any case). Both parties are getting goodies out of that bag.

One caveat, about even real free trade, is that it would by the nature of how it works eliminate some (possibly great) capacity in the U.S. As is, capacity to produce even minor goods are being lost at a terrifying rate. Honest free trade would only slow that. Without the capacity to produce what we need, we do lower the price of the goods we want. We also make war less and less likely. Then again, enemies while in the middle of wars often trade what their enemy needs for what they want in the most bizarre of schemes (often those who do the trading during the war are chastised after it, publicly, in spite of the unofficial official go-aheads during the war).

The question is whether people want less expensive (at the risk of cheap) goods, or whether they want to live a more humble, less product driven life? As for me, I would prefer to have things made in America and live with less. But what I want and what is are two different things almost every time. Why then do I say free trade is a good thing? Well, that is simple economics, which sets aside national interests, considerations for war, and other issues. The people have to choose and have chosen. Oh, by the way, Chevy is NOT an American company. If you are going to pick American made, make sure you are not simply buying a bill of goods to which there is no real merit. Further, even if something is American made, if it is poor product, sidestep it like you would any venomous snake.

I keep looking over components.

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Okay, fine, I might have some understand of women and accessories... until I forget. Still, I do not look over these things obsessively and only once or twice a decade. In any case, my machine is starting to take shape. There are so many things to consider when building a computer. There are hardware, software, and technology options which are beyond if through the other two option types.

For example, I knew I wanted DD3 1600 or better memory. However, if I go with AMD, I have to overclock. While shopping (still technically shopping ^.^ ) I multitasked into research mode. I usually choose Asus motherboards (best, brightest, and most stable... to my knowledge). It turns out that my choice in motherboards makes overclocking rather simple. I even found a site with a video explaining how to do it, if on a cpu and motherboard (same manufactures) from 6 months ago. It is quite easy now. And, should I wish, I could overclock just for memory or push a bit into cpu enspeeding. (Yes, I do make up words, sue me.)

The other technology which has my panties in a bunch is crossfire. That is, taking two powerful video boards and linking them for uber viewing. Beyond knowing how to do that or which boards are best, the simple notion that so much has changed has not escaped me. In any case, a little research here has me back on track, if nervously. Then again, if you are not nervous about building your own machine, and a high end one at that, then you are naive.

Some of the things I am considering are monstrous. Most have heard of the Raptors, but 300 gb at 10k rpm? How about two of those? And those are my slow pokes. I am adding a 100 gb ssd for startup and a few programs. I can easily add another hd if I ever get into pictures or video, a 2 gb monster toss device, or two for storage security, would be little money if I get to that point. My worry with memory is setting up the 300 gb devices. I am not sure whether to set them for response, reliability, or security (or even some mix). And again, I do not know how.

Often, setting things up is paying close attention to fine details. Little switches are all over the various cards and boards. The *Bios also holds many keys and must be used to do overclocking (can overclock the video boards, cpu, and memory, at least) (*the subsystem from which all other systems are configured so as to run before ever getting to the operating system.... yeah, I know... it is confusing and a bit complicated.). The instructions are often... convoluted. Sometimes the instructions really do not exist or are so poorly given that it would be unwise to try to follow them. The internet is the only good source, often, for information and instruction. At least I will have a machine that works from the start.

In any case, the barebones system I have put together is a machine that would last 5 to 10 years, like this one, though at less than I paid for this machine when new (top end) and at least $1500 less than an Intel machine. Then again, though I tried to avoid bare products (those without cords and sometimes even drivers), that is not always avoidable. Who knows what wires, cords, connectors, and other computer giblets might still be needed. Oh, and monitor (or two or three).

I am excited, but... It is a lot. It is still out of my financial range for the moment and a bit complicated even if I could buy everything today. Wait, I think that means that I am a guy. Check. (If it looks risky, if it could cost too much, if it might not be easy to do... well, leave it to men... then sort of avoid watching... sometimes it is really ugly.) Just thought I would do an update.

Somethings done.

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I have been cooking, but falling behind on the dishes. I simply do not have a good means of staying on top of things at the moment. Some here, some there, but never quite enough. Then again, I am doing a number of other things as well. Figuring out how to get my game running on this computer, from password to downloads, was a bit of a chore. Still, I have that part completed. I finally, this evening, played for a few hours. Most of that time, however, I was working on rebuilding my characters spell systems, and putting in needed addons. One character tended, mostly... Only nine more to go! Well, that one is mostly ready. The game changes in little ways all of the time, and two or three months out of the loop means a lot of work remains.

I have also been reviewing gaming systems. I am thinking, for my needs, an AMD might be just fine. A quad core system would probably, again, be plenty. But a hex core (6 chip chip, heh!) would offer a longer computer lifespan. And with AMD, it would add lifespan without much financial hurt. A top of the line Intel machine would cost in the range of $3.8k to $4.5k (well, as top as I would go, and probably without crossfire). A top of the line AMD could be had for $2.5k to $3.2k (or less, possibly much less if I build it). Building a machine sounds fun, but the truth is it is a hassle. Warranties cover some things, not human error often. The little pieces and bits do not always (ever) go together well or rightly. A non-functioning end result might be a piece not *gently put in place correctly (*shoved, pushed, kicked, or stuffed where it really does not seem like it should fit), or because some part is bad (their fault, my fault, no one's fault). And, it can take days to weeks to actually construct the thing, assuming you use all the recommended glues, plugs, heat shielding, and such. Anyway, I am thinking this all over. I have to have a new machine before this one, again, burns out, wipes out, or simply dies finally.

Sassy still goes through violent episodes. She is become less nasty, though. Between Sam and I, she is learning that some behavior is simply not going to be tolerated. And yet we have both been rather lenient (in my book). I do have to swat her or near her when she simply will not stop attacking. But I have been cautious not to hurt her. Cats only become more violent when violence is used, seeing it as a part of a game in their wilder natures or seeing it as a method of assertion perhaps merely as the "way of the world". I learned that from my second cat, back in my younger and drinking days. Sam is simply a rock. Other than her vomiting, which is lighter now that I feed her 'indoor cat food' and as well do not feed her for an hour or two after having been outside. She is just a sweetheart. She still does not like the intruder, but I cannot actually fault her for that for a number of reasons.

Well, I suppose I ought to get to bed. Staying up late, again. Oh well. Good night.

But, but, God punishes! Really?

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An email indicated that this notion about freedom can not be true. Otherwise God would not punish us, or leave us to live and die in horrible ways. Really?

First, God does not punish us. Reality does. If we jump off a fifty foot cliff, well, the outcome is pretty much not good. God did not do that. He has made simple that doing other than certain things will bring pain, after we chose the way of pain to begin with. This argument reminds me of a doctor speaking with a patient. The doctor tells the patient he must not drink to excess, smoke, use drugs, and eat to excess. The doctor suggests that any one of those things, but surely all of them together, will lead to health issues. The patient continues in his ways, has a major heart attach, or becomes psychotic, or has a stroke, and then gets angry at the doctor for cursing him. He feels like the doctor has punished him. That is much of the argument, wrapped up simply, regarding God and punishment. He tells us not to do stupid things, we tell Him he is disturbing our lifestyle, we suffer, we blame Him. Really?

He made all things. He knows how things work. He has told us what is good, healthy, right, and will lead to both physical, mental, and spiritual success, and we ignore Him. When things go wrong, we simply blame Him rather than understanding He is not speaking to us as a preacher, an ethicist, a prude, or any of that, but as the architect of all things. He knows what works and what does not because He crafted all things and processes and laws. He actually does know what works and what does not work. Penis in anus? Not so good. A twelve pack of beer each evening? Not so good. Ten women on a sex call list? Not so good. A single woman, with whom a guy is married? Depends on the situation, though if all things are advisable, mostly good with partly annoying skys. Just saying. He knows what works and what does not. Blaming Him for knowing and advising is no different than blaming a doctor who advises. The difference is doctor's work on probability and from within a flawed framework of understanding and capacity. God does not.

Before you blame God for your failures, heartaches, pains, and grief, decide if what you did which lead you to where you are was contrary to His advice. If so, you only have yourself to blame. Though you should look a little deeper. If the bible has any truth to it, you will see that, since we live in a fallen world, your best efforts will not suffice. Not after Adam took the fruit and pulled a stupid, though at least in part thanks to Eve. At this point, the only way forward, and upward, is humbly and submissively. And, like it or not, as woman helped man to fall, only men can help women to rise. Christ being the first of men and a good husband, only after a good priest, next. No one can say He did not tell us so, warn us, and try to teach us even when we ignored Him. He showed us by dying on the cross, and rising. What the heck more do you want?

Just... speaking to the email here. My email is being quirky. Oh well. This should do.

Freedom IS free.

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The answer is quite dependent upon who you ask. If you ask me, it is indeed free. What?

That is right. Freedom is free. It was offered by God to man. No other power has the ability to offer freedom. The cost of freedom, initially, was... nothing. When man chose a path different from God, he gave up freedom for knowledge, or... something along those lines. We lost both freedom and wisdom to know what it was we were not supposed to do. Some bargain, but that is where things stand. No, that is not quite the end, follow a little further.

From that point on, man seemed to follow whatever his heart desired. Few men decided to seek wisdom, and through it real freedom, but most simply picked a master and went that way. Some of these masters are men outright, like generals, kings, false prophets, and such. Other masters, if they involve other men, involve them in only a small way. Drugs, wine, strong drink, sex, and other vices became the master, men gave themselves over to the pursuit of these things and surrendered freedom, responsibilities, and all that goes with freedom.

Christ came, saw, and conquered by showing that death itself was not a master. He, again, offered freedom and wisdom. The price for this was the surrendering of our life, our flesh. If this is not an easy price, it is a sure one. While many modern churches gloss this over and suggest, as the Jewish form of worship did and does, that it is what we gain in life which shows God offers favor. Foolish and wrongheaded, they have lead many astray. The truth is, for good men, our life is already surrendered. So losing our lives to promote real God granted freedoms is... no loss. It is merely an extension of a grant to life predicated on God's gifts. Freedom is free. Only in a secular world is losing one's life considered a true loss. Though too, only in a fallen world is this sacrifice painful for those who remain.

For this reason, the West has been the greatest military group in history. Even those who might have been tempted to hold onto their lives, when faced with certain evil, have gladly paid the price and fought those wars. With smaller armies, often outnumbered and outgunned at times, we have prevailed even through great sacrifice. The West is different. Although it is obvious those in the West who have forgotten God are now dependent upon those of us who have not. Anyway. Freedom is free, we have simply fallen and some of us have forgotten even the way back. Life is not ours, only freedom and wisdom... if we choose it.

Or, something like that.

Lots of interesting things in the news?

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Not really. Missiles that may not be, Dems of various sorts doing what Dems do... Biden holding a hearing on transparency behind locked doors, Clinton funding jihad to the tune of $150m, Obama paying homage to fallen U.S. troops... overseas. Well, it gives newsies something to chatter about but there is little really happening. I am guessing, from the hush about the lame duck session and attempts to keep those who gained seats from taking there seats as the real news. As usual, the real news is not being reported. Why? Because even now, anything but a surprise hard left putsch in that lame duck session might otherwise be thwarted. Expect it.

I did see something interesting. It seems that playing tetris after a traumatic event can curtail flashbacks. It also seems that playing word type games increases flashback events. I am not an expert. However, I am a gamer and suffer from trauma, profoundly. They are not sure what is up with word games. I can tell you. Playing word games creates an ability to see patterns and connect words to memories much more efficiently than when not playing these games. It means what used to cause flashbacks, such as visual or other stimulus related to the trauma can now be cued by words. And as skills increase, the number of words which could cause an trauma instance becomes larger and much more varied. As for tetris, I can only speculate. It is my guess that, in playing this and games like it, the mind finds a mechanical means of dealing with problems... including trauma. So instead of increasing the incidents of flashbacks, the skills acquired help the mind to deal with areas of the mind and functions of the mind which seize up on specific cues.

I had not considered this before, however, as I read the article, things I have done, games I have played, and my interests came into clear view and mingled with what I read. I would also guess that mechanical or manual work also helps to cut the stimulus for flashbacks (and other problems, including dreams, mood problems, and such). I have found these things useful, but for whatever reason, I am not able to get myself to do those things as much as I would like. I have, instead of the simple fracture of trauma, a compound fracture. It is less easily lent to treatment. The one thing that seems to work is the one thing that is denied. In any case, I did think that was interesting news.

Oh, by the way, when I play word games even now, I do believe it increases incidents of dreaming. I think part of the reason I am a gamer is... because it does help. Like anything that helps, of course, it can be overdone. Living on this side of life, it is difficult to find the fractional parts of healing I need and knowing when enough is enough, when to switch gears, or how to even do that if I see it. It all seems simple enough, and it is. But simple is great unless you cannot actually do it. Oh well.

Ha! My mother called to see if I was stuck in a mountain of snow. Apparently she heard that Salt Lake City got hit and seemingly hard. She thought she would call and gloat. Nope, I suggested, no snow here. Only a skift, and that some time back, and it was gone by noon. She tries and she tries. :P It was good to have her at least try to pick on me though. I do need that too. Nag! Bah!

Well, back to trying to get that game going. The tech suggested I would be sent a password reset, but I received no such thing and none of the links included provided that. I did find the correct email address and tried to work with that but, again, had no luck. So I emailed back and am hoping to get that going before too long. We will see. At least I have someone live working on it, a name if not a face, and I should have that up and working before too long. Hey, it is something. There is little that can be done as winter appears to be rearing for a charge.

Later.

Always more difficulty.

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As winter approaches and activity decreases, I realized that playing computer games would offer some relief from boredom. So, I installed the games I have and tried to play. Of course, I only have two of the three discs needed as one of the additional parts of the game was purchased online. Now, of course, you cannot simply sign into the game and go that rout, you have to have another sign in name and password for the overall game store. This, actually, is the one I cannot seem to get working. I sent an email. In any case, I cannot find my sign in name and password for the game itself, either, so I would have had to email anyway. Long story still pretty long but shorter than it could have been, I wait.

I have had no luck getting the printer going either. I may simply have to take the computer back and have him look at it. If he cannot get things working again, I may have to take it to another shop. This thing is dying and every "repair" I have done on it usually ends up making the thing worse. Old computers really are not that maintainable. Between OS updates, losing the availability of drivers and updates so those drivers will work with the OS updates, and whatever else, machines die hard deaths but in pieces. I really need a new machine. A decent gaming machine is simply out of my reach at the moment. Gaming is the main reason I have not gone with Linux. It simply does not support many games, certainly not the ones I prefer. It is for eggheads who want to dicker with a computer and programming, perhaps with some business applications (if those seem a bit limited, just like games). Ah well.

Not much is happening and I am still in drift mode. I have done a bit more after that burst of "work" early in the week. I continue to eat and almost stay even with dishes. Sam and Sassy are doing fine. Their fights are becoming closer to real fights. Sam no longer simply bats, she claws and bites and hassles Sassy back. I am starting to think they will not get along. Such is the way of it. As long as neither runs away, I suppose that is good enough.

I have been doing research on recommended tools for home improvements and such. I have a good deal of those. I am missing, from what I have read, a random orbital sander and a good miter saw. Looking over the options, a larger double slider is more what I am looking for. I will look on Cragslist and a regional classified section which is as good or better than Cragslist but only good in Utah. I am keeping my eyes open for a specific type of ladder too. One of my problems with getting going on things, other than not knowing how sometimes, is the fear of... running out of money while still having need mid-project. That is enough to make your blood run cold if you have been there on a little thing. I have decided to try and get tools in line, then money, before beginning any major or even minor project.

It has been difficult trying to do too many things at once. Buying tools is fine. Collecting food is fine. But trying to do projects which always end up costing bits here and bits there, getting settled, and everything else, has been too much too fast. This has lead to me living hand to mouth for months, and that cuts me harshly. That is, most likely, why I am in the shape I am in. I become afraid to spend anything. And yet being pushed forward I end up doing little bits of all of it and getting nowhere. A few more tools over the course of this winter. Some food in storage and all the other bills and needs. And probably by next summer I will be in a financial position to take on a minor task as a starter. Say, building a covered stoop over my front door.

The next project, maybe that same summer, but more likely the summer after, would be redoing the master bath. I would like to see if I can extend it, add a bath, keep a shower (though this one would have to go, unfortunately), enclose and vent the toilet, and maybe even build cabinetry for it myself, though the top and sink would have to be bought. That is when I will need some help. Plumbing, perhaps, though I will be digging into what is needed and how to do it before deciding that for certain. But I will be having the tankless electric water heater put in. That would add a good deal of floorspace for other modifications, as the current (second) water heater is right in there. Working with plumbing and electricity at the same time is a bit daunting. The dyi manual I have is okay, but does not have enough depth. By the way, the dyi manuals are coded. So I do not need to get the code books themselves, if it would be nice to have someone around who knows a bit about local variances or find a source for that. Mind you, I do not think, to this point, regardless of any schooling I may have had, that I have changed so much as a household fuse.

Well, that is what I am thinking. I am hoping, now that I have made a large decision to set work off for a couple of years, that I might be able to settle down and begin being a bit more active. Some things just freeze me up. It is not the only thing, but the worry about getting to work on things was a major concern, and which things to start with. Yeah, yeah, the fireplace and insert are on the list. But my guess is, similar to solar electric, I simply cannot afford that... perhaps ever. I will have to develop poor man methods to various things in the short term.

Good night.

Regarding insanity.

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I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine, one who happens to be insane. No, not a literal conversation, a mock one in my mind. This person holds onto insanity like a safety device. I have spoken with this person many times in the past. As I was going through the exercise today, something popped up I felt like sharing.

This person is completely functional, other than in the mind, if unrelated to stable performance. This person is employed, and rather decently given all circumstances. If this person is rather isolated, it is more a personality thing than it is a psychological issue, in large part, as this person is rather introverted. Beyond work, there are fulfilling and very enjoyed activities, both singular to a smaller degree and group events which this person enjoys (if the group is loose and together time as a large group is easily optional). For all intents and purposes, this person is currently and for some many years, a functional human with good standing in society and employment. This person is, as well, quite mad around the edges and in the main. Not dangerously so, mostly, but... there are problems.

I am, for the most part, sane around the edges. I do not have things that sneak up on me, take my breath away, voices in my head (other than, "Doh! You are late"... but I think that voice is mine. :p ), or any of the rest. And yet, here I sit. I receive money for being an incompetent boob. If I were the type of economically dysfunctional boob which needed to be in a bra, I would be size EEE or something. *sigh* I cannot, on any given day, rise and go forth. I love to work, but cannot get to it. I enjoy being outdoors, but it just rarely happens. I am perpetually tired, exhausted, drawn. Even so, I make great efforts to be pleasant to others, and enjoy doing so.

So, there we are, two types of madness. One of body, one of mind. One of us can function intellectually rather well. The other can function in the flesh easily. Mental and mechanical madness could be no better juxtaposed than in who each of us is and how we function. I do not know what the rest of the conversation was going to be, as this notion swallowed me whole. I think I did end up wondering that one of us could not figure out how to fix the other. I think I would gladly give my acuity to see another flourish. Anyway, back to goofing.

Not sure what I am doing.

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I have about given up on the printer. I have seen the computer itself recognize the printer, but the software for it continue to deny there is a printer present. I have restarted, changed USB plugin points, messed with what I can mess with, but the device refuses to be useful. I may simply strip everything but the drivers and see if that will work. While I am using a Canon, I do that because for the last three years, HP printers (my old standby), and computers actually, became impossible to use. They seem to have moved their plants overseas, or from a decent overseas location to a less reliable source, and it ruined their products (three printers and a higher end computer from them were all returned). This Canon used to work just fine. Not sure why a reset would make it a problem.

I woke to feed the brats this morning and noticed snow outside. It was just a small amount, not a full covering, and is gone as I write. It was chilly out there, perhaps it was merely frost. I do not think it is quite winter though. No other news and no real attitude going on. Later.

A very tasty treat indeed.

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What you have always wanted to know but were afraid to ask. And, it a rather friendly, forward, easy to handle yet non-simplistic format. I present... a master...

Enjoy.



Wowed me.

Drats, you will have to click on it and go to Youtube. It does not seem to be able to fit into my set-up. I have seen, over at Vox and some other people's site, the ability to expand the video. Unfortunately I am quite new to this. Actually, I was pleased to get it up at all. Anyway, go... watch... learn.

Out and about.

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I almost did not get out to shoot. I was tinkering with my computer and printer, trying to get it to work. No such luck. I have tried many things. I certainly installed what was needed. I know the printer is hooked up. But the computer looses the link to the printer from time to time. I have it hooked in via USB. I tried different USB connections, I tried to pick which connection to use (ran out of time trying them all so will continue that). Nothing. It is a pain. I need to print and send something, which I had promised to send... yesterday. Is that not always the case? I thought the getting the printer going was merely a matter of finding the drivers. Blah.

Still, we did get out. My rifle was dirty. After a couple of tubes (16 rounds each), the action became cranky. I had not taken my .22 pistol because it needs cleaned. So, that was that. My friend wanted me to try some hot .38 loads in his .357 though. Heavy loads hurt his hand, so he lets me go first. I am a terrible analogue for him though. I can handle the hottest .357 magnum loads with no difficulty, in spite of it being a small framed pistol with only a two inch barrel. He has trouble with even the .38 +P. Still, I got the gun warmed up for him.

I was accurate as could be, again, with his pistol. Out to probably 30 yards I hit and hit again. If the target is 5 yards beyond that though, the gig is up. A slightly looser grip makes the difference at the good ranges but makes no difference at some point. With the rifle, I pretty much cannot miss. I shoot at quarter sized pieces of orange clays at 50 to 70 yards and up a hill a bit. Considering the ammunition, wind, iron sights, and that it was growing dark, and then ignoring that, I did well. I do like that rifle. After that we went for dinner. Angie's it was. I have not eaten there in some time. Every time I go I wonder why I have not been back sooner. Great food, excellent service, and it does not cost an arm and a leg.

Picking up a tobacco, dropping my friend off, and then doing some shopping finished the day. More caffeine! I bought enough to last me a month or more, as it was on sale. As well, I grabbed a couple of things which have or are suggested to help with a grouchy bottom. Dried apricots and pistachios went into the cart. A few cleaning supplies, some cord to create a proper indoor clothes line, and a few other items just to tip the scales. More cat food as well. I am fairly well stocked on both cat food and litter material for a good bit of time. That is something I do not want to be without. Oh, and I got that bill out. It was three months late and counting. I did write an apology as well, on the check. A simple one.

The bottom is doing better, if I still dread bowel movements. The last bm came out fairly easily and other than already having a sore bottom, as painlessly as usual. Still, I am going to have to baby my bowels for a bit. I have two ribeyes out, big ones, as absolutely nothing both encourages going while salving the path as much as beef fat. Further, it is some of the best tasting medicine I could hope for.

Well, back to the printer. I have the envelope ready for the printed material, if I could just get it to print! Arghhhhh! Later or good night.

Getting ready.

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I have a few tasks to manage today. A bill NEEDS to be paid. Since I cannot get up early enough to get in and pay it, I will have to send it. As well, I need to get my printer working in order to print something else I need to send. As well, a shower and grooming needs to happen so that I can go shooting. My friend is chewing at the bit to get out and put some down range. It looks like it will rain again, but I will risk it. Who knows. Oh, I called my mom this morning and told her I was buying a pressure cooker. Years back she had forced me to promise I would never buy one. I explained that this was a newfangled one, which could not open while hot and would not explode. Plus, I think she finally realizes that, at least when I cook, I am rather... well grounded. I think I have impressed her with my attention to the affair (when as she suggests I get off my lazy butt and get to it). She is good, and busy. She now drives several of the elderly around, keeping 80 and 90 year olds off the roads. Hey, someone has to do it and she loves people and company... and shopping. Doh!

I did not get the last few dishes done or soak beans. Oh well. I finished off the rice for breakfast so I need to cook more of that, after cleaning that pot too, but later, and as always, maybe. I will be soaking beans in a few moments. I need those long storing food stuffs, it is the only way I can keep up. Sam is out for a run, Sassy got milk. I am hoping Sam will come in as I am heading out so I can put her in before, if my suspicions are correct, it rains and she goes to ground and refuses to come in for another day or two. Neither Sam nor I like that situation.

Well, off and on it... I... think? Bah. Let me put on the beans and look for the printer software. Stinking failing machines! Later.

Some things done.

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After that last, I checked on Sam. Sometimes, when bad weather closes in, she simply disappears, finding some dry but distant place to hole up. I have been checking on her all afternoon and evening and had, sadly, realistically, given up. This time she arrived. She shot in from some odd corner of nowhere so that I was almost not sure she entered. It is strange, as good as my eyes and such are, how she and Sassy can almost sneak up on me or past me. Not quite but almost.

I checked on one of my bills, one that I was concerned about. It seems that they have stopped emailing notifications. The good news is that the bill is still being paid. Better still, it is paid off in January. I tried my mortgage center again. They asked for a security question to which I knew the answer. Nope. They refused to allow a connection. They are terrible about this. It looks more like they do not want people to pay than anything. Who is going to sneak onto my account AND PAY MY FUCKING BILL? Idiots. So, I went through my bank (one of them) and have set up automatic payments through them. Bastards. Having a blood pressure moment... never worry... never mind.

I have also been considering a couple of items. I know, I was not going to spend ANY MONEY this month. Well, except for a pressure cooker. And, I will use the heck out of it. Beans and rice once a week, grains a couple of times a weak at least, and I would like to explore stews (hate soups, mostly), potroast, tongue and heart, cheaper beef cuts, whole chicken, and combinations of meats and vegetables. This item could really make cooking easy, and since I do not have a vent, it would making indoor cooking cleaner. Along with that, however, I purchased... a few more items. A coffee pot, which I sort of need. A coffee grinder, of course (manual burr grinder, so good for more than just that and off the grid as well, if I like it I might buy another for herbs and spices and other things nicess (I cheat but it rhymes)), a cookbook that has been on the menu a while, and two pressure cooker cookbooks as well. Oh, I had other things on the list. I pared that down, added more, pared that down, added more. Bah! I should not be trusted with money. Still, given all things, I did okay. I think. I will know how well I picked when the items arrive. Oh, here is the pressure cooker set I chose. If it works really well, both sizes, I may order another lid when I order extra parts. (Always buy extra parts, always, duplicates if affordable.) Having two pressure cookers in play at once can really be an advantage in more complex cuisine, when two main items take a lot of time to cook but need very different cook times, with clashing ingredients, or in a number of other scenarios.

I still need to set the beans to soak, perhaps do a few more dishes, and then maybe hit it. Or not. Frag but it can be difficult to cut the engine. Good night, maybe.

We will see.

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Cold, here, now. Raining, not snowing, the last I looked a few minutes ago. I could turn up the heat but I am trying to use cold (62 F) as my an incentive to sleep. It often works, to a degree. And yet, this is my time of year. Of course, there is some work I want done before it cannot be done. I am simply not sure if it is possible. Such is life.

I did more dishes, I ate a couple more times after the oatmeal (all good high fiber foods). I enjoyed the day with Sassy, but Sam wanted out when it was not raining and has not let me know she wanted back in. It is raining and cold, so I know she wants in. We must have missed. I will keep trying to get her in. I never did set beans to soak, so I will do that as a last thing before trying to get to bed. Yesterday was a disaster, seeing me in bed not at 20:00 or 22:00 as I had attempted, but not until 4:50 or so this morning.

I still have a number of things to set up with the computer. Bills need to be paid and it seems that when my computer crashes, some of those bills I had set on automatic stop being paid. Huh? Yes, for whatever reason, automated payments seem to end. I honestly think companies have been corrupt enough that, if they think you have lost control of your machine and payments, they will kick it off so that you have to pay late charges. Yeah, I suspect so. Anyway, I will do more work on that tonight. Right, one of the bills is my mortgage. I have been trying to get a payment through but their "system" keeps refusing. Trust know company these days, banks and financiers least of all.

So, beans set to soak and a few business connections to work on, Sam to be let in, then on to bed if I can make it. My bung hole is really sore, legs are improving though. Not ripped, simply... stretched. A good thing as even slight tears can be very unhealthy I would have to guess. Laugh, I do, am, sort of. It is times like these when I realize... it's great to be straight. I used to have a donut pillow, though not for this reason. I wish I could lay my hands, and seat, on it.

Good night.

Gone II.

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I definitely have to get diet and drink back on track. If yesterday was a baseball, today I found the bat. The good thing is that I did not seem to have to struggle more than a half hour today. Good thing too, my legs are about done in. They feel like I hiked up and then down a mountain. That skiing trip was not as harsh on my legs muscles as have been the last two days. Hmm, maybe that will put me in line to begin trekking? Whatever. All I know is today scared me off my butt and got enough dishes done to cook rice for later and oatmeal for breakfast. I will probably be able to finish the dishes and maybe get beans soaking for later or tomorrow.

It is raining, so my friend did not call. Beside being a wetaphobe, he is a coldophobee. As things cool and stay that way, I will be buying him some winter underwear. Nothing fancy, just enough that he is not freezing when we go out. I usually do not need it around here, so far, and from what I have seen. I would only really need it if I was going to go winter hiking or something. Well, actually, I take that back. There were a few times where I wished I had worn it last year, which prompted me to remember proper underlayers on some occasions. It just depends on how hard the wind is blowing.

The lunicats are doing well. I still have to put Sassy in her place when I do not feed her what she wants when she wants it. I do try to keep some food available to her at almost all times. She is growing and absolutely needs tons of food. I remember those days well. Her problem is hard cat and kitty food is not to her liking. She wants milk and the soft stuff I keep around for a daily treat. Like any kid, she can get surly. I have found that 'that look', a slightly raised voice, and a gentle swat or the threat of one generally calms her down. If nothing else, I will chase her a few steps. *Brrrh!* "I do not care, but I think I will keep my claws to myself and not care... over... here... no here... no... blah.", she seems to say. She is a cutey pie, and a pest. Sam is golden. Mellow, caring when she wants to be, and a gentle pest when she wants outdoors or food. She generally gets what she wants because I find I can trust her wants and needs... if I understand them. I really enjoy my fellow asylum mates, and for the most part I think it is mutual. Sassy has her main coat, I think, now. She was pretty odd looking with that middling coat, it reminded me of the big hair women wore in the 80's.

I will probably be getting my friend a few things for Christmas. Mostly along the lines of warm gear and maybe a couple of magazine loading devices. He struggles with that and I just saw a few that would help him out. He has fixed his nose, which should tend his bleeding out problem. He has taken care of a few other things as well. He has one more thing to do before he is about as fixed as he can get, cataract surgery. Did I mention he is an excellent shot? It is too bad he had not gotten into competitive shooting when he was much younger. He would be well retired, assuming he had put money away properly. Well, okay, he would still be broke. Some of us simply have no understanding of wealth, money, and such. Being wealthy, or even comfortable, is not most people's lot.

Have a good day.

More work than I intended if little that I had planned.

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You may or may not realize, but fasting for vast amounts of time, becoming dehydrated, and not being very active, sometimes invites a very personal problem. This problem ended up being somewhere between the size of a golf ball and a baseball, harder than a baseball, and quite textured, dry, and rough as sandpaper. It took me between four and five hours to tend to my personal issue, in and out of the place in which I needed to care for that little obstruction. I have not worked that hard in, well, probably since I did the mountaineering type snow skiing. My legs are sore from assuming the position and the strain and I have a slight headache. I am surprised my stomach is not sore. I am solid there, if too that is where my fat collects. Well, my ears are still ringing powerfully. Push I did, 45 minutes at a time at least four times. Wouch.

Anyway, little else was done. As I got into that task, standing between efforts was rather uncomfortable, more so than simply sitting. I have rested since completing that task and will probably call it a night shortly. That was an amazing lot of work for such a little gain... or loss... depending on how you look at things. On the good side, I think I am becoming more active! That effort should kickstart Monday. If I can get to bed early enough, I might be able to get up early and begin dishes and laundry before too long, maybe taking a nap after. With the plans to go into town and then shooting in the afternoon, I could see the rest of the week becoming more active. We will see.

Eat, drink, and do so wisely. If you do not it will certainly get you in the end. I need to get the dishes washed and begin eating oats, cracked and flaked mixed grains, rice, beans, and meat again. I have incentive out the... Well, you know. No butts about it.

Awake, and with a little more motivation.

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Not a lot will happen today. If I can do the dishes and a load or two of laundry I will be happy. The food left over from last night was not eaten, so it will add a little boost at some point during the day. As I see it, I do need a couple of larger containers for beans. I have enough freezer stuff, and could use some of that for the refrigerator, but prefer having a larger container for the refrigerator. I threw out a medium sized one, if by needs since it was not sealing, leaving me with rancid rice in a very short period of time. The huge one allowed the beans to go rancid as well, so had to go. Two more medium sized ones, with the one I have, would work well. Then, back to having beans and rice on tap most of the time, and merely keeping meat stocked to add to one, the other, or both of those and of course being able to eat those together as a simple easy meal once in a while. I need to begin implementing vegetables in too, and fruits occasionally as well, but one step at a time. So, tomorrow when I go into town, I will do a little more shopping.

My goal this month is to spend almost nothing beyond need. Bills, of course, food and gas enough to get into town. I can shoot, though I will be only shooting the .22s. All else, from here on out, is saving. I am not exactly sure what will be the first bigger ticket item, I will worry about that when I get there. I simply do not like living month to month, even if I am adding things that are marginally useful or might be good for trade. I have to focus. Heck, I do not even have a good multi-purpose ladder yet, but that is as it is. The only extra I will work on is long term storage foods, and only slowly, beyond what is required otherwise. Well, there might be one exception. I am seriously considering a pressure cooker. Simply put, that would reduce the time and effort involved with cooking beans and rice, making the probability of keeping that going higher.

By the way, adding food and some caffeine really helps. What surprises me though is how much high blood pressure medicines, and most other medicines offered, hurt. I become even more lethargic and essentially black-out. I cannot think on the stuff, I cannot complete any goals, I cannot eat... Everything, save perhaps the potassium pills, my doctors over the years have prescribed have caused serious faults in function. Further, when informed, they just suggest taking more. I really do wonder if this is known and wanted or if they simply do not care. Anyway, getting back to the feed bucket does help a bit. So, I need to find myself back to it. Especially the, really, humble but super foods that grains, dried beans, and whole rices provide. Meats, of course, and milk and cheese and other dairy products (if you can tolerate them) are superior foods as well.

I may try, this week, to push through at getting back on track. I am never really sure how to go about it. Setting goals is one way, but it is not sure. Eating helps. Having caffeine is good, but I think I need to add more water into my diet (and am). Every time I come up to the saddle on this particular horse, it is like I have never been here before. It really is, each time, like I have just been resurrected and am having to relearn the notion of having a body and will within flesh all over again. Frustrating as it is, that is what I have. Foolish or not, I keep getting back into the saddle and trying to ride as if I knew what I was doing.

I will admit, though, that this rest was, initially, very much needed. And, in spite of my grumps and complaints, it has not been bad. I had little money to do anything much, and I did continue to research (if much of that is lost, the memory in my mind really is not). There are a few smaller tasks I could complete as well, like filling the dirt back in over what had been my garden, setting up my reloading station, and checking on the hen house again. I kept spraying for wasps and no matter how well I sprayed, there continued to be wasps! Maybe, at this time of the year, they are dead. Maybe the last spray got them finally. I do not know. A little physical work, even a lot, is wonderful.

Last thoughts for the night.

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Have you ever noticed how many people on television, guys, look like muscleheads? Seriously, from "construction workers" to the typical stars, six packs, quads, glutes, biceps, and triceps, all in perfect or larger order. You do realize that is not possible, right?

Having worked out and worked up in strength to near the end of the real scales of strength and form, minus any consumables which might enhance those parameters, I laugh when I see the hulk carrying out some lumber or batman exposing his torso. Even in my prime, I did not really have a six pack. The only guys I ever knew who had those were body builders. Both, as it turned out, used both roids and cocaine. Go figure.

I do wonder what is being used, these days, to gain muscle more quickly and to kill the pain of the mandatory aspects of bulking up. Steroids are still out there and being used, but the practice is in decline or they are finding ways around the urinalysis. The one advantage to cocaine as a painkiller is that it is out of the system rather quickly. Or, it used to be.

I have noted, as well, that there are a lot of deaths among even high school athletes. When a 16 to 24 year old athlete up and dies, it is not because he had a prenatal condition or had over worked in the short term. He took something to boost his abilities and was one of the small number to have it adversely affect his health. What amazes me more is when this happens, everyone says how sorry they are if quietly, the guy is shoved into a casket and then the ground, and the story dies before even that is done.

Another thing to mention, if you are spending 6 to 8 hours in the gym to gain the kind of muscle it takes to look big, you are doing precious little else. You do not have the capacity to become a lawyer, engineer, or doctor. Further, if you have those skills, you cannot actually use them well. Building the body to the level often seen means your body has no resources for advanced mental acuity. You, if not literally exhausted, are used up to go beyond working out. A shallow world indeed.

Yes, I do pick on women. I just thought a dose of reality about men was in order.