Yeah, well.

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It's still early in the day, but I have to tell you, I am not feeling it.  Tinkering, researching... sitting.  I am still going to try to push through and get noodles going shortly.  I can do the meat any time after that.  A pork roast will be the meat.  I prefer chicken or beef with noodles.  Then again, I am not sure I have ever tried pork and noodles?  Have you?  It sounds good, to me.  A little gravy for into the mix, but adding some fluid so it isn't exactly thick?  Yeah, more like a noodle stew, at least that is how I remember my mother doing it.  Oh yeah.

I, as I mentioned, was doing a bit of research.  Home injection molding, this, that...  None of it looked promising, for the cost.  Complexity is also an issue, but that can be handled.  The price is first.  I did find a couple of items that might work well enough, for my applications, though.  There is silicone that can be molded, and there is actual plastic that can be molded, after being heated up in a number of ways.  That last would be perfect for my initial needs, especially since, if it goes wrong, simply heating it back up means no loss.  That would be a problem in some applications, but toilets and high heat should never really mix.  Once I get the design worked out, it's just a matter of creating attachment points, with, say, spring hinges.  Then, possibly, considering a silicone layer to insulate it all, and make it easier to clean?  I don't know.  All I know is that I am on track to actually... fix a personal problem.  Maybe.  There are even ways to add color, if a toilet isn't white.  Mine are white, but I like blue, electric blue.  getting the color down might... be a bit more of a trick.  And I am not sure if I should use it with the plastic itself, or attempt to use it with the silicone.  Yeah, yeah.  Hmm...  I bet I could learn to mold a face into it.  *sly grins*  Hey, just... thinking.

Two more hours before I can nap.  Bleh.  Later.

A couple of morning chuckles.

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The first?  Actually I found it helpful.  More, it was served in a way I could consume the advice. Wisdom doesn't always have to be coming from a door hitting you in the face, does it?

Another good night of sleep.

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Oh yes, to bed by 22:00, perhaps as late as 23:00?  Something.  It took a while to settle in, meaning midnight was about the time I finally slept.  Which is just fine.  I slept well.  Dreams, again, but just out of reach to memory, again.  When I first woke, I remembered some bits but that faded swiftly.  I can, if I wish, cement them into memory.  Either I wasn't awake enough at the time, they were too complicated in my state at the time to do so, or the memories weren't interesting to me, at the time.  I woke at 4:00.

Not wanting today to be like yesterday, I did a few things differently.  I turned the heat up, first thing.  I had an apple as a precursor to eggs and bacon in a bit.  Medicine is about to go down as well.  My trouble, right now, may just be getting used to this new time slot of a schedule.  I raced to it, really, in a few days.  Actually, in the last year, and give or take when medicines are more level, I seem to switch schedules, wanted or not, much more quickly and strongly.  If you have ever been an alternating shift worker, you know how that goes, if you ever got it down.  My problem is, I don't want it to switch.  On the bad side, when I lose control, my days are gone fast.  On the good side, it doesn't take weeks to get my day cycle back, when I can finally work on it.

Yeah, today I am going to try to figure out how to push on through.  I really want to make egg noodles today, and make a roast for that.  I would also like to use the steam vac, and maybe set up the living room for a hit today or tomorrow.  My bedroom is on the list for some spit and polish.  I won't do more in my room, probably, than to arrange a few things, deconstruct a few areas, and pull some stuff into the spare bedroom.  If I get enough done in there, I will then switch to actually sleep in the spare bedroom.  We will see, on that score.  Anything else I might happen to do will just happen to be done.

My mind has been working on the bathroom problem.  I have decided on what to do, just not how to do it.  What I really need to do, first, is figure out how to create a mockup of the device I am considering, figure out how to mold hard plastic, mold silicone to it or something, and work on the mechanics of it.  Well, and figure out how to attach it to the seat.  At this point I don't know how big it needs to be, the best angles, or some other things.  I have done a bit of research.  Hard plastics can be molded at home, though... I am not quite sure how practically.  There is wood carving, which would just as easily take a silicone shell.  I'm just not sure.  I've worked out the mechanism to allow for some things, but not how to securely, surely, attach it to the seat.  Yes, I do have that kind of mind.  Stupid, mostly useless, but... it is being applied to my needs, and in the situation I find myself, with all other givens.

Well... on to waking up.  A spot of breakfast in a bit, after waking and getting going a bit more.  Probably planning on another nap at around noon, if I would like to try to go down right at noon and set the alarm again.  I just need a little help adjusting, but I need to be careful not to let the nap get out of hand, either, and alter my schedule.  So very careful.  Later.

Ready for bed.

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I was thinking, for do-nothing day I am pretty done in.  Then I realized, that is why it was an empty day.  Sleep.  I have been able to think of little else.  Tired.  My eyes have been watering, much as my mouth when informed by my nose that a steak has been cooked and is almost done.  I just need to take my medicine.  But first I have to get up.  Yeah, those are difficult tasks.  It's one of those days.

See you tomorrow, or not, or something, or whatever.  Gah!  Can't think.  Hope this is being written correctly.  Good night.

How can I get nothing done?

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Sadly, that is easy.  If I have nothing to give, no matter my intent, that is exactly what can be expected.  It is like asking the average working man why he doesn't take trips to Paris, or cruises to the Caribbean, or spend a week skiing in the Swiss Alps.  Well, because he can't.  And, people who can simply do not understand that most can't.  Some of them not only don't understand, they think they are special, but not rich, somehow.  You are rich in "do".  My wallet is bare of "do".  That's all.

The nap was good.  The alarm was needed.  Actually, I slept through it for an half hour, and one snooze, but eventually it worked.  I think something has moved in.  The sun is gone, though that might just be the time of day.  It feels like a front, or something, is coming through.  The extra heat I have gone back to seems to help with physical pains.  Nothing, however, can bring energy back.  Not right at this moment.  As I have suggested, I just need to tend the little things, like food, and keeping up on the cave, perhaps doing a bit more when I can, and wait for my body to heal, the weather to improve, get used to medicine, or whatever is going on.  And so I will.  I so want to just crawl back into bed but I won't, not yet.  If I can make it to 20:00 I will be pleased.  Harshly tired though.

An idiot? If you don't think so...

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Whoever you are speaking with, or reading, comes across as cogent, simple but true, solid, and right?  Just keep them talking or keep reading.  Eventually you will find it.  Now, there are levels of idiocy, mind you.  There is the simple, humble, idiot.  These folks are actually a pleasure to deal with.  Often they do understand their state, but know there is little to do about it, so set about to live kind lives.  A joy, I tell you.  Then there are those who are just bright enough to nearly pass.  Often they don't know they are idiots.  They read something and believe they now know how the universe works.  They hear something, and that makes them knowledgeable.  Then there are those who are above average.  They aren't your typical idiot, and defy the definition in most ways.  Until, as I suggested, they talk or write more.  Eventually you see it.  And, the rarest of idiots are the geniuses.  Oddly, as with the humble idiot, they actually stand out like a sore thumb.  While they do actually understand much, they often have no capacity to action, and knowing how something works doesn't always mean that they can do a thing about it.  In this sense, the humble idiot is often superior, because while he may not know, he often can and will do.

It's an interesting world.  And we are all idiots.  We are often ignorant no matter our education, and the more of the latter the worse the ignorance more often than not.  But that doesn't mean I have to be gloomy about it.  Get out, meet and great the other idiots.  Figure out what motivates their folly, what areas are weaker and stronger in yourself and them, and build on that.  If given a pile of manure, too much time, and no real options, sculpt a friend?  :)

A bit more breakfast was enjoyed.  A few other things were done, including taking medicine and a bit of research on a number of topics.  I found my art supplies, and even have some actual art paper with some bite, for when I work up to charcoal.  I did, actually, need to turn the thermostat back up.  My muscles hurt and I was getting very sleepy.  My body just isn't ready for my usual way of life, and the cold.  I stayed up as long as I could, but being too cool will require me to take a nap, which I am about to do.  After?  Noodles, I hope.  No trip to town, too worn from the activities of late and yesterday's trip.  Noodles and cooking a roast, I think, will be about it.  Hmm?  Yeah.  Though, maybe steam vacuuming a bit.  Dunno.  I'll think more when I wake.  Alarm will be set.  Later.

Another day, and maybe a good one.

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Sleep was beautiful.  I might even call it perfect.  I think there were some dreams in there, that drifted in and out.  No recall remains, consciously.  Sometimes notions come to me, though, from whatever happens in there, even when I don't seem to remember.  But the rest was good.  While still a sinner, I have done what I can for my part.  More to do, surely, but there will be until the day I die, on that score and more. It was about 6:00.  I had the alarm set for 10:00, to give some leeway.  Hehe!  I remembered to turn the darned thing off so I don't hear this annoying sound for an hour in the background before it becomes annoying enough for me to locate and tend.  Dang thing anyway.

I woke to a small bit of sorrowful expressions.  A sadness that comes with life and the knowledge of death, and change.  A whole bunch of things came from it, including tears, as I sat reflecting on the notion.  Remember when you graduated highschool? college?  Perhaps when you married?  When changing jobs you liked or held for some time?  Maybe when you moved?  At some point in your life, when you realized you weren't young any more?  Yeah, it was that.  For some reason, I had great empathy for my mother.  I realized, as if seeing the world through her eyes, that pain, for a bit.  This is a sadness that gets heavier with age.  As you lose friends, family - what you had held as precious and certain in your youth and ignorance - as you get closer to death.  Death is a path we all walk alone, even the walk up those gallows steps.

I am mostly over it, once I could figure it out.  It will probably be there for a bit, off and on, until the thing has worked it's way out of my conscious and unconscious tinkering.  I know it more akin to how my mother knows it, if not quite as only a woman can know it.  For I have not just walked those steps, but have seen the rope cinched, even had that lever pulled to various effects include there and back.  I know that for which I write.  There is an odd joy to it, if you go there for the right reasons or in a right state.  But ringed by the sadness, too.  Only hope and faith offer joy, mostly.

Ah, but I have things to do.  Fruit was purchased yesterday, and an orange was had right after feeding the girls.  Perhaps eggs and bacon, or a bagel, in a bit, as well.  They were quite pleased to have a quick breakfast.  I turned the heat up just a tad.  I no longer seem to need it at 80, as I have for weeks.  I can handle 72 to 74, and as I adjust to medicines again, I may be able to put it down to my normal 62-66.  Medicine plays havoc with my system, it seems.

Today?  Nothing fancy.  I can't let distractions get in the way if I want to get things done.  Perhaps a batch of noodles later.  Maybe getting the steam vacuum going on some rugs and figuring out a plan of attack for the living room.  Looking over my bedroom to figure out how best to clean that area would be good.  And, probably, pressure cooking a roast to go with the noodles after they dry, if I get to the noodles.  As well, finding recipes for several planned meals, finding art supplies as they are, and maybe another trip to town for a few odd pieces of art supplies I don't have.  Oh, and I would like to figure out how to... set up my bathroom, for man, or ogre really, ways.  Never mind, just that, when forced to sit by needs and musts my already poor aim goes downhill a great deal and I want to... figure something out for that.   I am amazed at how well my life is opening up, how well I am able to balance things and do things, and how I seem to be figuring out matters that have long vexed me.  I still don't feel the best, but, as I had guessed, I don't need to feel good.  I simply need to be well enough in order to function more fully.  And I am, seemingly, well enough to encroach on the realm of functionality, if not quite well enough to feel good about any of it, or life itself, quite yet.

Got that?  I didn't.  I wrote something.  I just hope half of it is true enough, the grammar and spelling is readable, and...  Never mind.  On to waking up.  Have a good morning.

Some closing thoughts.

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Oh, nearing bedtime.

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A very good, if slow, day.  Beside shopping, and some well satisfied cats, I was out of hard cat food and the booing was rather loud, I am well stocked for cooking fresh foods, including adding vegetables.  And more, the cleaning supplies, most of them that I wanted, are now in stock.  I worked on the pressure cooker tonight.  Okay, the hype was definitely more than reality.  It worked better than anything else I have available, however.  And, perhaps, over time, I can renew the pot to a like-new condition.  It is much better.  Further, I bought a cleaner and treatment for the glass cooktop.  I got to that a bit after working on the pan and after supper, then a bit of a rest.  Bringing in all of the purchases wore me out, and I wasn't moving fast anyway.  The stove top is now mirror reflecting clean.  I can't wait to see if cleanup is easier, after applying this stuff.  I'll cook something tomorrow.  And I plan on making egg noodles as well.  Hmm...  I think I have cooling racks, more for cookies, but it should work.  Or I will have to tinkertrain something else.

I have been doing little cleaning jobs, here and there, the last few days.  Little is the operative word.  But I have been looking for the runners, too.  Little by little, while keeping on top of the daily stuff, I am really advancing.  I gave up on finding the runners, so while shopping today, I bought new ones.  I want the carpets cleaned!  Urhm, when I can get to that big of a job.  Perhaps half of the room at a time?  Yes, perhaps.

A few beers tonight, for all my good deeds.  Not much, it seems my thirst has drained away.  I should be getting to bed, perhaps setting the alarm but with room to compensate for the day.  It hasn't been a great deal of effort, but in my recent condition, it has been three or four days worth of effort.  It's just the way it is.  I have found it is easier to work with my body, even in it's dreadful state, than try to whip it around.  I lose on that score, almost... no... every time, for sure, one way or another.

I was watching a show, while eating dinner, tonight.  It looks like a precursor to the Twilight Zone.  That's not what got me.  What did get me was watching a young couple go through various parts of their relationship.  It was so natural, lovely really.  The squabbles, kissing and making up literally or figuratively, playing together, being friends.  The actors did a splendid job.  Relationship between a man and his woman is the funniest cycling of events imaginable.  But... sweet, too.  Yeah, I miss that.  The good and the bad.  At least, from this distance in time, and space.  It could grow on me again, even if I don't really like girls!  Cooties and all, you know.  :)  At least I have known some love in my time, some real love I like to think.  And even remember it fondly.  So little is about THAT, but it is the solution set that makes anything else even possible, for me.  A pleasant television experience, comingled with experience, memory.

Oh, tomorrow?  We will see.  The hope is to work on noodles, start on my bedroom, perhaps steam vacuum some of the carpets, look for simple art supplies,  a little research on propane as I think I am considering some heating, perhaps another stove, and maybe a drier that work off that, and... and...  I don't know?  I guess I will just have to tune in and find out, like the rest of you.  Any ideas?

I ought to get settled and ready for bed.  Good night.

To town and back. A tale by...

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Never mind.  I did make it.  I was dragging getting ready, then getting out of the door.  Once out I am fine.  To the bank, though I need to go again, soon.  Then to the art stores, both of which were closed.  Really?  Then on to my first grocery store, then on to Walmart for cat food.  Actually they do have better prices on the mid/high level cat foods, and offer it in larger bags/boxes.

Finally, buying groceries isn't such a worry.  I am actually cooking, and fairly regularly.  Fresh onions, carrots, celery, for the stew trifecta.  Bagels and cream cheese, extra eggs, even some mushrooms, for various meals during the day.  Oh, and I was out of beer.  I've had a hankering, which was cut short last time as I only had eight beers.  I can only seem to find the eighteen packs.  Why, that's just a Doom cup and a half.  Literally, with my stein holding a twelve pack.  I have found steins that are a bit smaller and I will be purchasing one before too long.  A couple of liters is just about perfect for me.  While is short of a six pack, technically, being that a 12 ounce bottle usually averages about 11 ounces, it works out.  You didn't know that?  Me either, until I did some checking.  I don't know why they bother with two handles on the thing though.  ymmv

I am well stocked for sides for a week or two of cooking.  I also bought chicken to pressure cook in the future, and some cheaper roasts to try.  All in the freezer as I have plenty thawed that will need to be cooked.  I was surprised to find bar keeper's helper easily.  I bought several containers, as I know I have work to do already, and wanted to have extra on hand.  Dang it, forget general cleaner, I am out.  Pie filling was purchased, in several varieties.  I only needed milk, otherwise.  Though, I think, technically, I needed butter too, which I did get.

Yes, I am ready for some cooking experiments, clean up, and decent dining from my own kitchen.  Yes, I get decent meals coming in, but it's nice to make something myself once in a while.  Hmm...  I have a few things to do.  Later.

Alright, things are moving better.

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I had the juice to kick through the day.  It's  been a long time since I could do that natively.  Up to now, pushing meant mega pain, or an instant shut-off where I nearly hit the floor when pushing, or other limiters.  I stayed up until ~18:00, with ease.  And I planned on shutting it down, cooled the place off in a timely manner to help, and nailed my target.  Waking at ~midnight, getting up was easy.  For some odd reason I had to get up two or three times during the night for bladder problems.  I think my body was ignoring the water pill, for whatever reason, and I had been storing a lot of fluid.  Sometimes the pills just don't work.  I am a biological anomaly or pills don't do what they are supposed to do, when they are supposed to do it, all the time?  I hadn't had a water pill since I woke up yesterday.  Shouldn't have done that.  I didn't drink more than usual.  Whatever.

So, today, with days sort of back on the menu?  To town, I hope.  I have a lot of shopping to do.  Too much?  I'll... know soon enough, if I make it.  I need both types of cat food, as well as my laundry list, and cabbage.  Commenting over at Brigid's, reading through other comments (yeah, I actually do that, sometimes), and I noticed one of the commenters suggesting cabbage.  That's dang fine stuff, and goes very well with the pressure cooked meats.  Toss in carrots, onion, and I might try whole garlic, and you have a meal in a pot.  I like noodles, once in a while.  Meat and, I suppose some vegetables when they somehow land near the cooked meat, is just how I am.  Vegetables though?  I still don't get it, and doubt if I really need them.  Still, for my mother's sake... or something.  The poor woman worries.

I did notice an item that would be cool to check out.  Yeah, you don't need this device, especially if you don't depend on it to actually fully cook your foods.  I have done this method with just a large amount of hot tap water, and it does work, for thinner pieces of fish and meat, if I also always cook it a bit after it has worked it's way out.  Oh, I'll never buy this item, but it does look cool.  I would use it, some, if I had it, for quick easy meals.  I would have more fish in my diet, probably.  By the way, what I call a diet and what you call a diet are... probably... very different things.  Then again, as you gain, I lose, so...  But never mind, believe what you were told and continue on dieting.  As will I.  Yum!  Hmm... I wonder if such a device could me made, and well, if not as pretty, with a few pieces and parts and a solid used "cooler"?  I ought to look around, because this is a convenient way to cook, if to do it just through this requires... some serious exactitude.

Well... a shower, in a bit.  Feeding the girls right away though, I think.  Or I'll have grumpy little folk hurrying me the whole time.  Later.

Thinking about getting into trouble.

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Well, maybe not that much trouble.  Not today anyway.  I am happy with the day though.  I have broken out.  It's almost 15:00.  I haven't seen this time of the day for quite some while.  I pressure cooked a roast, this time tinkering a bit.  Whether because of the altitude, or some other factors, my pressure cooker cooks much faster than what the manufacturer recommends.  I did figure out the lowest setting to maintain the higher pressure, as well.  On my stove, that is about a 4 (out of 10).  I tried a 2 and a 3, but they simply don't keep the pressure up.  A roast that is supposed to take 40 minutes by weight and type took 15 minutes.  Why?  I just can't be sure.

I need to put the roast away, still, and perhaps make gravy.  The remaining fluid is excellent for that.  I am going to begin studying sauces beside gravy.  I now have a top hat, if I want to strain it to a sufficient level.  The chinois I have is fine enough that I shouldn't need cheese cloth.  It was a bit more expensive, but in a life time, it pays for itself in cloth, the bother of keeping it on hand, cleanup, and convenience, to my mind.  As I may have mentioned, I am not a saucier.  I simply haven't learned that particular skill, yet.

Oh, and the last thing I want to do is find pencils and a sketchpad, or even a folder for sheets of simple printer paper.  I buy only the whitest.  When in town, I may stop at the art supply store and look for kneaded erasers.  Something tells me they will help a great deal.  While never truly an artist, I drew enough, when younger, using typical school supplies, including those damnable orange erasers, to know something better when I see it.  While there I may review their sketch kits.  Amazon has some decent variety sketching items for ~$6 (though shipping may be... excessive).  If they are at all comparable locally, I will buy locally.  If not, they will simply go into my next order from Amazon.  Still, no reason not to tinker in the meantime.

Hmm, might have to look a few more places for those clear runners.  I would really like to hit the floors with the steam vac.  Then again, I'd also like to get into town.  Bleh...  I'll... do what I can, for now.  I'll be up a while longer, probably several hours, but I believe this will be my last post for the day.  Perhaps I am trying to do... too many things?  Nah!  Good night.

There is a reason not to trust.

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When a billionaire is out to do good, but has a split personality in his intent, it is probably best to not trust.  Vaccinating kids for polio?  Super.  It would be good to have that disease gone.  But when the people doing it are planning on reducing the world population, you have to understand that... anything he does is tainted.  You don't know if he is, perhaps, making the vaccine more dangerous, on purpose.  Simply not training the staff he sends out might increase the risk to recipients.  Any man who thinks there are too many of you, but suggests he is there to help improve your health, has to be questioned.

Genocide with a smile is still genocide.  Even if it is randomized, even if it is limited in scope, it simply doesn't matter.  Is that his goal?  I haven't seen proof, one way or the other, but his own words are rather suspicious, at the least.  Even if he actually believes we have hit the apex of world population, and births are declining, does he truly believe that is enough?  The one thing, about people like this?  It's never enough.  You don't become a billionaire by going small.  You also don't give away your hand.  And, most likely, you have learned to not have a conscience.  Some of the things he has done, like teaching African kids to mess around with oral sex, in aids ridden nations, knowing that oral sex almost always leads to actual intercourse, and that condoms don't help prevent the disease, is more than suspicious.  Especially with research easily showing that teaching abstinence actually works, even in African nations.  Genocide, with a happy face, is just... genocide.

While he decries the non-involvement of other billionaires, perhaps he ought to consider that there is a reason they don't get involved in his schemes.  I can see why he would want them in on it.  Something about sinners, especially the worst of them, wanting cohorts.  This guy is nothing but trouble for the poor and weak and should be kept as far from them as possible.  I believe he calls himself a Catholic.  I am pretty sure, where he is headed, that brand will do him no favors.  He won't be alone, but as far as he will understand things, he might as well be.  Even with his wife right there beside him.

I... need to get going.

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Off, but I have things to do.

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I have worked on cleaning the pressure cooker pan for a while now.  I used vinegar and baking soda, after days of soaking and scrubbing, resoaking, and so on.  The vinegar and baking soda did okay, but not up to snuff.  The next time I make it to town I will be purchasing a couple of containers of bar keeper's friend and some polishing agent.  I have several pans that need a little extra care.  I am hoping to make it to town today.

Beside needing milk and cream, I would really like to make egg noodles.  Actually, the only thing missing is milk.  Though another couple of dozen eggs would be nice.  I have started eating eggs for breakfast a bit more often.  I ought to boil a dozen eggs to have on hand as well.  Apples are a true joy, so I will be looking for those as well.  I love pears but they are either not quite ripe or over ripe.  They ripen so very quickly.  Hmm, grapes?  Maybe grapefruit too.  Oh, and some pie filling or frozen fruit for same.  I really would like to make a fruit pie or three.  If I get it right, I know a few folk who wouldn't mind a treat shared out.

I don't mind buying a few things, now that I am both cooking and keeping the place sorted out after cooking.  I will have to go easy though.  Noodles and a few pies will be all I can really handle, on top of the rest, per week.  Cooking as an artistic outlet?  Why, yes.  There are a number of egg dishes I have been meaning to get into.  Quiche and custards of various sorts have been on my longview to put into production.  Nothing fancy.  And, in the beginning, just plain jane recipes, perfecting and adding options as I go.

I ought to look around for some pencils, a sharpener, and some paper.  An hour or two of drawing per day, doodling on the side perhaps.  Nothing fancy.  A couple of ideas are percolating.  Warriors and women, forests and mountains, cabins tucked away, run down and forgotten, from my youth.  Perhaps a few optical illusions, those were always a favorite.  I had one teacher, who stole my book and looked in it, get dizzy and almost fall down, looked a little green around the gills about it too.  Tried to talk me into art classes, but those were always so... bleh.  Or the teacher was too hot.  Couldn't concentrate, actually avoided those teachers... in subjects I liked.  :)

Well...  On to something.

Snow Shoeing?

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As I said, I can't be sure.  If we get a decent snow in the valley before long, I will at least get out in that.  But up in the mountains?  This year might be pushing it, but then... you know how I am, sometimes.  No cheaters for out there, mind you.  Some things have to be done in the raw, too dangerous otherwise.  However, to give you a view of the areas I am hoping to shoe through, camp perhaps, and explore...  This area is twenty minutes or so away, give or take.  It's in the mountains bordering the east side of my valley.

Just some... thoughts.

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No, no trip to town tonight.  I might be able to go to bed shortly, however.  Simply done in.  I am working on the dishes though, but that will be it.  However, that is just an update.  It has nothing to do with the title.

I can, if I choose, do some interesting things.  While ill, I am not quite dead.  I still have goals, hopes, dreams and the like.  I can still act, think, write.  I can, almost, crawl right into the mind of some.  I have shown people some things they had not considered, helped to change a mind or three, and even influenced outcomes without being direct.  I have opened doors for others.  Some doubt, and yet, the proof is in the pudding in many cases.

Definitely not easy days.

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Sleep seems to be leveling out.  Of course it has left me hanging between morning and night somewhere.  I woke somewhere int the 18:00 range, actually not crawling into bed until nearly 11:00.  My "days" are longer than they should be, which is the problem.  They aren't so long as to put things off, just long enough that my schedule is swinging in the wind.  I am pushing bedtimes, just not messing with waking times yet.  Sleeping a little longer, unless it is really needed, does far more harm than good.  Most of the soreness of my body is gone, save what literally feels like a much duller but similar pain as if a lance truly impaled my upper left chest and lung.  *whince*  The nice thing about these sorts of phantom pains is that, often, getting busy allows me to ignore them, might even make them go away.

Tonight?  Well, I did cook that roast, but I didn't clean the pan.  I cleaned up, I did soak the pan and a few other items.  So cleaning up fully is my first actual chore.  A shower first, after setting that all to a fresh soak and cleaning things out a bit while doing so.  Then either a trip to the store, finally, if I can get to that, or laundry if I can't... even if I can but it works out.  Who knows, really.  I'll be trying to get some things done, that's all.

Later.

The art of painting.

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Something being sought around these parts is a pastime.  Sure, there are games.  But I'm not really into playing all the time, or all that often anymore.  A good game, once in a while, is fine.  Good games are rare and seemingly becoming rarer.  And with a new game system out, my platform will begin to no longer be getting newer games.  Painting, I thought.  It is quite expensive to get into, regarding oils.  I suppose you could paint on paper, but that just seems off.

A bit of research and... my notions changed a bit.  Beside the cost factor, I kept running into the suggestion that a budding artist spend a year, or two, drawing, sketching, before moving on.  That actually makes sense, and more than just on an economic level.  My guess is many modern painters simply haven't wanted to put in the effort at sketching, or aren't good at it, so do... modern "works".  No matter how interesting, they seriously lack something.  Study anatomy, human or animal.  Sketch from pictures.  Learn the craft.  Beyond, as with all things, if I am really interested, and do my part, then, through time, I can build up for that next step through time, rather than trying to buy it all at once, not even sure if I will advance in the field.

To that end, I am considering purchasing a set of sketch pencils, charcoal drawing items, erasers, and a sketch pad or three.  Drawing people and a select variety of animals, and perhaps landscapes, is what interests me.  I used to draw a great deal, but without focus, in my youth.  I could never get proportions right, but the notion was there.  I never studied, so shading, angles, spacial effects, and some other things never came into my work, not to any great depth.  But with the internet in general, and possibly YouTube, learning as I go might just be a little easier.  I might need to get a library card as well.  While our town library is small, with lend-lease, or whatever they call it, I can 'order' almost any book I might wish.  Anatomy, eh?  I never wanted to be a doctor, perhaps I'll just play God, but on paper?

Ah, well, start from the start.

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No matter what else has happened, or is going to happen, the start is where you are, with what you have, at the time you are of cognizance.  So...  Now that I have decided about medication, I have set up both medicine sets.  The next two weeks I will keep my medicine static, then raise the level in the next setup.  I have some dishes to do, never did get to the dishes after the beef meal.  I have been giving them a fresh soak each day.  I did that again, with the intention of hitting those, then doing the pork roast, and hopefully washing after that.  Finally, so far, I pulled out the snow shoes and kit.  I tinkered with things.  The poles, though... I'm going to have to do a bit of research.  They simply are not holding when I adjust them to the length I want them.  As for fitting the bindings?  I can get them close, but really, it looks like I will have to do much tinkering in the field, when I put them on.  That is just the way it is.  I have them roughly set to allow boot access, without too much extra room.  Fine details will have to be arranged.

What else tonight?  Well, as I said, when I finish the dishes, cooking another roast is the next step, then washing the pressure cooker.  I might roast some potatoes while I am at it.  My mind is on the beef brisket, with the smoker back together.  But I think that will be saved for the middle of next week.  A shower, a load or two of laundry, and some hope that getting to town tomorrow might work out.  I don't think it will, but I am out of milk.  Three gallons of the stuff a week, if I can get to the store.  Not this week.  Maybe Friday?  I would like to be ready to go when I can be ready to, well, go.

Either that or I will try to get to bed.  If I can sleep early, I will.  I would like to get my days and nights back in order.  Yeah, the lists of things to do are somewhat contrary, and probably more than I can do.  Just lists, possibilities, and trying to plan.  Later.  Or good night. 

So very tired.

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Options.

Oh? Yeah. Something something.

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Zap!  Okay, that little push cost me more in Doom dollars than I had suspected.  Pains are gone, and never were too great.  But exhaustion remains.  It lives in every muscle and fiber.  I used more than I had, plus surplus, and borrowed energy from the future.  There are, currently, great limits to what I can do.  It is nice to know I can rise from the dead for a bit though.  The hurt, and exhaustion, are actually happy things.  The hurt means I am alive, the exhaustion might lead to an increase in capacity.  I like both.  I actually hope to be able to create these, but without cheating.  That is the actual goal of regaining health!  Some like it soft and easy.  I need it hard and bitter, with a little sweet and comfy during recovery or as a minor side not while I'm pushing myself otherwise.

I dreamed of bow hunting last night, and an elk at that.  I haven't looked into that, I'm not sure if that is even possible?  I scouted for the mountains for where these creatures might be, found a number of them, triangulated their movement patterns during scouting sessions to the degree possible, and when the season and time was right, I went out.  As with any nomad, elk don't have an exact pattern.  Even in a single area of their large range, how they travel a specific course this time and next time might be quite different.  Paranoid, they are skittish.  They allow wind, precipitation in the air and on the ground, and their instincts, to guide them.  If something doesn't seem right, they go another way, and maybe yet another, and might just turn to a different path and direction altogether if their original target location doesn't seem like a good idea, even if they literally don't know exactly why.  Cagey.

But I found this one, alone on this day, heading over a couple of ridges I knew well from scouting.  The wind was light, variable, but favored my hunt.  There were areas that were open ground, which I had to cover with caution.  While the elk was well ahead of me initially, the path ahead would rise up over ridges and allow easy viewing of the open spaces if the bull decided to scan back, and they do.  Knowing the animal's pace, the distance I needed to travel, and the terrain ahead of both of us, only allowed some chance at guessing the right pace.  Closing but cautious, I approached.  Even with the wind favoring my movement, a lull could carry sound forward.  A backdraft might undo me as well, carrying my scent to the beast.  In the mountains you could never be certain what the winds will do.

I did not fail to note the grace of the animal.  The power.  It isn't just meat that I hunted.  It wasn't to conquer the animal, specifically or generally either.  The hunt is a part of the rhythm of life, on which I and the elk were merely playing our roles.  As such, no animosity was present, for my part... or, I should like to think, on his part.  A prayers, should I take this animal, would be said, for his spirit, my soul, and in thanks to God for the... opportunities and realities.

Yes, I took the elk.  I then towed the carcass, with the help of several pieces of equipment, to where I could clean and quarter, then raise the quarters high enough off the ground to be kept safe as I hauled the hanks out one at a time.  Yeah, and from early sessions, I learned to pick a location in which I could easily spot the hanging meat, and surveil the area for... other hungry animals.  What a hunt!

Actually, I am going to look up whether folk stalk bow hunt elk or not.  I simply don't know.  I do suspect that hiking the meat out might be quite a trick too.  Thems a lot of pounds of meat, even quartered and cleaned a guy could be facing 70-150 pounds per quarter.  I supposed you could bone it.  But after a reasonable half day hunt, and after initial cleaning and quartering... I'm not so sure a guy would still have it in him to then bone and haul the meat out.  That's... pushing it.  Ugh.  But... what a pleasant dream.  And with a bow?

Later.

Haiku Monday - Rhythm

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She is up with the contest.  It looks like foam is presenting a most interesting theme.  Oh, sure, I put a few in right off.  It's difficult to see darkness with this theme, but you know me.  Don't even have to try, it just happens.  We will have to see what we see though.  Oh, right.

Life's Song

moment, month, year, decade, life
to mouse or man matters not
one heartbeat per moment

Timeless

smooth silky lovely

stranger to lover, lovers

two parents - one dance

Quickening - Shhh!

too fast, too slow, time?

seeing what is? misses most

listen with your soul

Both, and More and Less

moving to the throb

inescapable predator

uncatchable prey

Snappiest Beat

cadence, not dancers

the testimony of truth

fruits will distinguish

Kissing a Woman

it's not what she says

just listen to what she does

to unlock her heart

Out?

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Probably, and again.  I went to town yesterday.  Almost more just to prove I could, or something.  Very late, mind you.  The fog, at times, was so thick I had to reduce speed a great deal, down to 35 mph, hoping some driver didn't come up behind me the way I used to drive in fog.  Oh, I had to pick up some stuff from the post office.  They are good to me.  But at some point they simply are required to return items.  I didn't want that to happen.

That is the first time I have been out in some time.  At first I thought I was being a bit of a sissy about the cold.  I had to come back in for gloves!  While in, I checked the temp.  It was -1 F (-18 C to you yahoos).  Yeah, okay, that is cool enough.  I really wasn't dressed for it.  A jacket, open, thin material pants, no cap.  Brr!  Gloves, the right type, make it just fine.  Trying to lift the garage door using the metal handle can hurt fingers, a lot.  I just stopped for a late dinner.  I thought about going to the store.  The only things open are the Walmart stores, and they don't carry the brands of the things I wanted.  Milk, heavy cream, butter, and a few other things... or if they do they are often out. 

Oh, with the pressure cooker under steam, I may buy carrots, cabbage, and onions.  I think the potatoes are still good.  Perhaps even whole garlic.  I have a larger pressure cooker, so...  Now, I will want to cook the meat for a while, cool it down enough to add the veggies, then get it going again.  But I can do that with ease.  This is one handy device.  Well, and my neighbor helped get the grill together.  I may get that up and going and cook a brisket soon.  Sliced or halved onion on that, and maybe some whole garlic stuffed into slits, might not be bad...  Might even tinker with the wood chips to get a little smoke action going on.  With the grill going the cold is easy to deal with... once I get it going.  Not sure how hot it will get in there though, out in the cold, or how long it will last...  Another experiment, but one that won't make a mess in the kitchen!  Yum!

Tonight might be the time to get those things, have another late meal, and...  Just be out again.  I just hope it isn't foggy.  I may go the other way.  The way I went last night, I had to cross onto a busier highway.  I couldn't see 15 feet.  Spooky.  The fog had cleared on my way back, mostly.  But I don't have to cross traffic on the way back, of course.  Hmm... I best be going.  I just hope they are still open.  I think until 23:00.  Later.

Just a late thought.

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My days and nights are spinning.  Yeah, well, they will be righted sooner or later.  Doing a bit of exploring and...  I had thought, perhaps, that others only suspected.  Now I am almost sure some of the watchers not only know, they are... trying to put out some of the information.  Not those Watchers, but people who see.  Like weening a child, it isn't done all at once.  A little of this, a little of that, until the time is ripe.  Time though.  Tick-tock.  This is soft food.  Very soft.

I understand.

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Look.  Most people, that probably includes you, do not understand fishing with a golden hook.  You, literally and figuratively, won't do it.  I was created, breed, born, raised, and trained to do it.  Try to get a hound not to sniff or a cat not to claw.  It is what I do.  I have preferred methods.  I triangulate risks.  But at some point, I just go, go, go.  I do take risks.  I just do.  Sometimes on purpose, or just for a gas, but often because that is where the world, reality, other people, myself, and even fate have lead me.  Right to that edge, and at a time and situational point where other options aren't available.  So...  Over that edge I go, and with as much gusto as I can muster.

Roast.

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The roasts from the cow I helped butcher were okay, at first.  But... the flavor was a bit odd.  It's just different.  And I started... cutting back eating it.  The hamburger could be mixed with other hamburger to blend it out easily.  Not so with the roasts.  Well, tonight, I figured the roasts out.  Pressure cooking them, with a bit of garlic powder, salt, pepper, and oregano.  Forty minutes later and... that roast is as good as any pot roast you could think to buy anywhere.  Sliced thin it will make one of the best sandwich meats you could buy.  Even the texture isn't off, and with no artificial beefy "natural" or not flavoring (which I simply don't like).  I am loving that pressure cooker.  Before I am finished for the night, however, I do believe I will pressure cook another meat, a pork roast from the hog I had butchered.  That reminds me, I need to order another hog.  It takes about three months for one to be ready, which is just about right.  They aren't as heavily smoked, the smoked parts, as I am used to.  But that is both good and bad and balances out.  There really is such a thing as too smoky, at least for me.  And mild, you know, I think on even those things with which I like extra smoke?  I think it will grow on me.  I'm sort of easy, if it may not seem like it.

The goal, of course, is to have everything cleaned before I go to bed.  It may be another day or two before I can hit any real work.  I have the rug shampoo and steam vac ready, I just need to find the clear plastic runners so I have a psychologically (and physically, hate wet socks) path to walk.  But I can tinker in this time.  I might try to make some egg noodles tomorrow, and leave them out to dry, for a beef or pork or beef and pork noodle special Wednesday.  It'll be an experiment.  My mom used to make them once or twice a month.  It's a lot of work, but not heavy or hard work.  Mostly, at least for a guy.  Cleanup is what will hit me in the pocket.

I have been working on sudoku.  Improvements have been easy to see.  At the easier end I am doing okay, but not really improving.  It's at the middle and upper levels where I am doing much better.  I am actually in sudoku training mode.  So, actually, right now, I am not worried about times.  I am taking my time to try to pick through spotting things, just with the eye.  I hate doing minutia analysis.  Not my thing.  I want, and really need, to do things on the fly.  It's how I work best.  I have noted, at the very highest levels, I may or may not be able to train up quick mind-eye-hand responses.  The... methods and... patterns... might be too complex.  We will see.  I've only been at it a few days.  Perhaps I am being a bit too hard on myself?  Ah well, I'll... know more... about the truth of these things and more... someday.

Later.

Just... chuckling.

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While I hope to be one some day, the trick is... well... not as straightforward as it looks on paper sometimes.  For every her there is a him.  Her first love.  Even when everything is right, if it looks a little off, or sounds a little off?  Yeah.  But then...  I resemble that remark.  If I ever have daughters, Lord help the lad who thinks to win her hand, alive.  So I do understand.

How do you know?

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With the world being so relativistic seeming, how can a man tell if he has put in all he can?  How do I know I worked?  Calves are still burning, muscles are sore everywhere, and my ribs feel like I am halfway through recovering from a 15 round match.  Yeah, I put it all in, then crammed on the lid and put some more in.  What I did when help arrived was about a quarter of what I did, and the dreg ends so not the heavier part.  Worth it.  Not only did it... make less work, I think it added motivation.  It showed... an instinct to cleanliness?  It's the little detail work that usually beats me up.  It would be easier if everything weight 75 pounds and had a place to go.  Paperwork?  Tiddly bits?  No clue.  None.  Zero.  Like radar in a tinfoil shower... useless.  Two full days up, doing what I could, when I could, as I could.  I am fighting tooth and nail to keep it right.

Oh, sure, I am greatly out of shape.  I have all but literally been sitting since I September.  And I will probably be sitting for a while longer.  In the shop on a lift?  Yeah.  But it looks like the engine has made it through another year.  I'm not sure who is betting for or against, I just wish they were more open so I could put money on that horse.  I think it's got a lot of road ahead of it.  And, actually, with the place set back up, it might be much easier to get to other things. 

Oh, and, yeah.  I found the carpet soap.  I haven't found the plastic runners though, yet.  Hmm, another reason to call my mom.  She is doing a bit better, after the last call, and is getting packed.  Still, more annoyance is good when the sun isn't shining and it is hard cold.  I know, some days when I don't want to answer the phone, I still do for her.  And it does help.  Not what they say, what they do, you know.  And that trick works around the clock.  I should be careful with my advice! 

Later.

Still rather done in.

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Too tired and sore to do much.  I tinkered with one of my rifles though.  There were a few things I wanted to check.  One thing of note, it wasn't packed with grease.  It is fine to fire, if I would still like to give it a thorough cleaning first.  As well, after cleaning, I would like to polish some of the parts.  I did a bit of polishing, to see what kind of work I was looking at.  Not much effort will be needed, just a bit of time, a goodly bit.  I did remove the front grip, as it blocked larger sized magazines.  There are a number of parts I would like to replace, a few others I am considering replacing or adding, but I can't see putting furniture on the thing that would make the thing more expensive than a better rifle.  As well, I may consider giving it a duracoat finish, for longevity of the rifle.  It is a project I can work on over time, something to do or tinker with.  A man thing.

I pulled meat out of the freezer.  I am going to use the pressure cooker some more this week.  And, with the workspaces cleared, and dishes done and being kept up as I go, I may do something fancy, like make home-made egg noodles.  Later this week, if I can get out, I might buy a small can of filling and make my own smaller fruit pie, more like those fruit pies that are just filling surround by crust, like a hot pocket.  Diabetic, not dead.  There might even be low sugar pie filling.

Little things I have been considering can now go forward.  The goal is to not fall back, for as long as I can.  I did dishes last night, right away.  After I was done tinkering with my rifle, I put the tools away, and I am keeping up, for now.  Then again, I got behind right when I was down.  Spending so much energy up, at, and on the return from Burning Man, then the medicine problem.  I never got caught up, just kept falling further behind.  This is a totally different situation, and I am further up towards a mended state, possibly verging on being back in the saddle, or it's visible after one more increase in dosage.  I might be able to keep up a little to a lot better.  Time will tell.

I best get to bed.  It is very late.  Good night.

Doing morning rounds.

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Slept long and hard.  My throat was is dried out from snoring, and there were a few other things that suggested I slept hard.  As well, I am a bit sore.  Some soreness is from muscle usage and angles.  I did a lot of dishes and I haven't otherwise been able to be active lately, so I really pushed my physical body, within the givens.  Not dead so I will recover.  Oh, and I finished the dishes last night, before I went to bed, all of them, including the cast iron skillet.  Love that thing, by the way, at least when I can keep women and soap away from it.  It's almost got a year of fats rightly keeping it non-stick and 'alive'.

It'll be a day or three before I am back on my feet.  That's just the way of it.  I pushed everything, and without any real ability to prep.  But I am in a great place to push further.  A clean fish bowl makes pushing, and wanting to push, much easier as well.  Like a dog after a flea bath, I tell you.  What next?  Bedroom and steam vacuuming, on the short lists.  I'll practice with the rugs that I can set aside or otherwise not use.  Unlike Iowa, carpets out here dry within a day or two.  I was surprised.  Still, I'll need to figure out the living room, find those long runner rugs and stick to a path.  I might have plastic ones somewhere.  Hmm... where is the rug shampoo stuff?

Sometimes I have to laugh.

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I was watching a program, while pondering what to do next.  There are other things I would like to do but I really am sore and... indisposed.  It's just the way of things.  In any case, the program drew me in.  It was about mountains and wilderness.  The topic of the program was irrelevant, thankfully there is a mute button.  Watching the flyover of Alaska, I kept thinking... boy would I like to get there.  I wonder what a trip would cost.  Laugh?  Oh, yes.  I LIVE there.  No, not Alaska.  But in the mountains.  Yes indeed, I do need to get in shape to get those snow shoes rigged, test them out, try them on flatland (maybe), then head out.  But I don't have to go to Alaska to do that!  To be a fool doesn't mean one has to remain one, all of the time, or something like that.

Someone, recently, was trying to convince me of something I know to be false.  In the situation, and generally anyway, unless forced to respond, I let people believe as they wish.  If they have become my people, regulars, that changes, of course.  The thing is, I did chuckle inside.  I am sure I made some funny faces as I was biting my tongue or chuckling internally.  On some topics there is no way to win.  You, on some topics, aren't arguing with me.  You are arguing with God, with history, with the traditions of every people and culture, and all through all of time.  If you wish to believe something, be my guest.  But... don't think you even have a chance, and don't back me into a corner with a leading question.  When cornered, it is not I who end up howling.  I'm quiet, sure, and right.  I just take out my hammer and snap that nail right back into place without so much as a thank you.  Believe as you wish, just... don't try to get me to believe.  I have been chuckling over the notion for a while now. 

With little energy and a sore body, I have decided to do a bit of tinkering.  My AK 47 needs some work, and cleaning.  I haven't found my gun cleaning kit, yet, but I have found some sandpaper, tools were found yesterday and have been brought to bear, and I am about half way through a complete, total, breakdown of this firearm.  The first thing I will be working on is smoothing out the action, trigger, and cleaning up fit and finish.  No funny business, mind you.  I simply want a smoother trigger pull, less drag on the cycle, no hangups, which all lead to a longer lasting, better functioning, weapon.  I'm not technically an armor, or anymore.  But this is a simple enough firearm that such is not needed.

I have been looking at other types of weapons, as well.  More for hunting, potentially, and as target shooting devices.  Bows.  The three types, today, are the crossbow, the recurve, and the compound bows.  For hunting, the crossbow is out, at least for my state.  It is only offered to those disabled to the point, and in a way, that makes standard bows impossible.

The recurve bow is a fine bow.  But it doesn't compare with the ease of use or power of the compound bow.  It is less expensive.  In this area, I am actually looking into take-down recurve bows.  It makes it easier to pack, but also opens the option of varying the arm strength so that I could start, and potentially practice more surely initially, with a lighter weight bow, then move up as needed or wanted.  Further, the bow would be something to allow others to learn with.  Problem with the recurve bow include it's relative lack of power, that it is much more difficult to learn, and I think I have heard that it might be slightly more dangerous to use.  An advantage is that pull length is variable, a compound bow has an exact pull length.  My draw length, being 31", is making even finding compound bows to compare... a bit difficult.  A compound bow, a good one, will cost as much as a mid-range pistol on up to a mid-range rifle, but without anything like the range of a rifle.  I am not sure a compound bow has anything like the kill capacity of even a .45 pistol, to be honest.

Well, if I ever do get up to getting out, you don't think I'd choose to not do so with specific activities in mind, do you?  Hunting.  Fishing.  Maybe even photography.  That little camera I have is fine, but I am still hoping to get a serious one.  Money didn't work out to get the Nikon D7100 this year, but it's still a dream.  I won't worry about that dream until, unless, I begin getting out a lot more and then doing it regularly.  Even then I would only review the notion if I started seeing things that I think are unique enough to consider photographing.

A real dinner, mostly.

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With dishes done and the cave... easily comfortable... I did get dinner on.  Spices where a little off, but it wasn't too salty.  The oddities, otherwise, were more a little different than actually bad.  I happened to have purchased a form of instant potatoes when I was stalking up recently so decided to make those.  I didn't really need to fry the pork cubes, if it didn't hurt the meal.  I made gravy from the cooking juices.  It was a rather decent meal.

Not wanting to mess things up, I quickly gave everything a first wash, save the cast iron frying pan.  Then set it to soak in fresh water and soap.  I even washed the stove and countertop which took the brunt of the cooking utensils.  Then put the remainder of the meal in the refrigerator.  I wanted to do a load of laundry but never did quite have enough to do that.  And it is getting mighty close to bedtime.

The girls aren't sure about this new openness.  They can't sneak around as easily as they could before.  Oh, I still knew where they were, they just couldn't see me so thought themselves invisible, or something.  Sam is okay with it, it is Sassy, the youngest, who is really unnerved.  I got her when she was a very tiny kitten.  But she sometimes acts as if she had been an abused animal.  If you see her with me, you will know that she hasn't been mistreated.  I'm not sure what it is with her.  No worries, I just give her space, and let her have space if she needs it... mostly.  What I DON'T do, anymore, is sneak up on her.  Youch.  While becoming more civil, she still doesn't always look before baring claws.  An unbridled cat claw and fury is seriously wicked.  She'll get used to it, if I have anything to say about it.

Tired.  Very tired.  I will be taking the next few days off, probably.  If I can do some laundry, keep up on things, and do a bit more sorting of whatever, though, I will.  It isn't a willful thing, taking a break.  It is more a suspicion.  I am a bit sore, but then I pushed hard... and cheated.  Up two days.  Good night.

Lots o' work was done!

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The young women missionaries arrived, with two local folk, a man and his wife.  I had been doing bits and pieces all week but could not drum up enough umph to really get much done.  Realizing the time was arriving, and needing/wanting to have put a bit of my heart into the project, I cheated yesterday.  I still have some ritalin.  So... three tabs.  That saw me to more, but time was drawing nigh.  I worked through the night.  I realized they would be showing up, so I couldn't nap.  Three more tabs, along with my medicine, this morning.  I kept at it, even then somewhat weakly.  But I did get the dishes done, there were more than I had thought.  I did tear into the kitchen, but had not perfected it.  I did bits and pieces, here and there.  And, so far, I am still alive.  I shouldn't do that, I went on ritalin at a slower, much slower rate.  Risks.  I didn't want them to... feel as if their efforts were for naught, so I literally put my heart into it.

What they did in an afternoon amazes me.  The kitchen was topped off, the bathroom was cleaned, the living room and this room was hit, hard.  It's like a... new home!  Grateful.  I believe that is the word.  As close as a word can get.  As a pig knows, a sty is not preferred.  It is just what many are reduced to.  I know this.  I am all out of steam.  I will probably need a day or two to rest.  But then I want to keep doing.  Just a few more things.  Steam vacuuming the rugs and carpets, well and hitting my room.  I am well into laundry, as well.

After that, if I can continue on?  While I don't have enough plywood, perhaps not enough 2x4s, for the work bench, I would like to clear the area and figure out where to put the bench and pegboard, and decide a few other things.  I have about two weeks until payday, then I will consider what I need and how to get it.  If the garage is ready, that work should be easy.  Then, with the bench up, vice and grinder set up, and a place to work?  Plumbing.  Well... that's the plan.  Grateful.  And stoked to do more.

While the steam is gone, hunger is alive, well, and awake.  I thawed pork cubes and will pressure cook those, then fry them to get some crisp and flavor, and finally maybe make a pasta dish as I did with the beef.  What a day.  Zapped but not quite done with the ritalin, or vice versa.  Later or good night.

No! Thrice.

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I saw an article about a new drug, to help with ptsd.  It helps people forget.  Don't take it.  Don't even think about it.  I won't say I took such a pill(s), but then how would I know.  All I know is I have stuff scrambled in there, just out of touch.  It can happen with severe cases, memory loss that is.  There are a lot of reasons why memory can be lost.  And, truth be told, I have zero proof that... anything happened, ever.  Most information I have suggests nothing of the sort.  As would, I presume, if you took that medication, your file.  Of course, for some, remembering or not, their file is scrubbed.  That's just business.  Dirty business is secret business by it's very nature.  The thing is, you do not want to forget this stuff.  It WILL come back to get you anyway. 

There are two parts, at least, of the brain, that store memory.  One of them they can scrub, if this medicine works.  One of them cannot be scrubbed.  The part(s) that cannot be scrubbed creates a muscle/brain memory of the events and will lead to reactions accordingly when in similar situations.  They can't scrub that.  More...  I do believe echoes from that part of the brain imprint into the rest of the brain.  If it can't quite recreate the lost memories, it can... like ultra-sound... flesh out the notions.  Sort of like a negative, not the picture but... you get the picture.  Believe me, you don't want to spend the next thirty years of your life trying to figure out why you can kill people like a pro, do things that seem psychotic to the uninitiated, and have to deal with those echoes as they surface, but without the skills and training and memory of friends, allies, instructors, and such to help you cope with what you are seeing.  Alone, you will be, and in the very darkest of dark.  You will either figure it out or kill yourself.  Maybe a bit of both.  Same as if you never received a moment of treatment, to be honest.

Oh, and another suggestion?  Don't bother with V.A. therapy.  They will betray you.  Find veterans groups, combat vets, and stick with them.  Truth is, you will never be over it.  There is no reason to throw your rights away for no good reason.  Check with the Veterans of Foreign Wars, perhaps Disabled Vets of America, and some other groups.  If they advise you to use the V.A., find another adviser.  There are some out there.  But don't even think of taking that pill.  You've earned the right to know.  And there isn't an easy way out.  Fact is, you'll spend the rest of your life figuring this crap out.  Heck, it's probably altered you genetically.  Oh?  Do some research on the children of combat vets.  Different.  Just... like... you.  Don't fear it, though.  Personally I think it's a... well... more good than bad.

Troubles for my efforts.

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Little was done yesterday.  I did soak, wash, then set to a final soak, one load of dishes.  A bit load, true, but that was it.  I kept trying to see my way to more.  I kept the window, for my conscious part, open.  I tried to get to other things only to get lost on the way or shortly into the efforts.  In the end, all my pushing did was see me awake far to far into the night.  It's like being in mud that rises to the knees and trying to run.  You just get tired.  If the call is strong enough to keep going?  You just get very tired.  I simply can't do much.  Today?  I'll... keep trying!

I am actually sore from trying.  While I don't get much done, just pushing my body in some states causes literal physical exhaustion.  I am sandbagged by medicine to top it off.  At least the sun has been out.  My call to my mother made me happy to be out here.  Sure, I still have my curtains pulled.  But, as I have mentioned, I can sense the sun.  And, being so bright, I can literally see it.  The heat also radiates through the cracks.  It is warmer with the curtains pulled closed, creating a heatbox, than if they were open, I suspect.  I get the wafts of warmth once in a while.  A treat, of sorts, when I am in the mood for it.  Never a bother though, in the dead of winter.

On the upside, I am improving my sudoku play.  I have, with a bit of study, and practice, while sitting and huffing, improved the levels of play I can complete by three to four steps.  I'm just a few steps from "this will hurt your ability to interact socially" level.  I can now do the lower upper tiers at about 30% faster than most players, without hints.  That is where I started with low to mid levels when I started playing again.  My goal, and to a degree I am getting there, is to figure out how to play them without too much analysis.  I just want to "see" the solution, I don't want to have to stop and think.  And, for the most part, I think I will get there.  The patterns ARE there.  The question is, are you willing to go that far into training to be able to just see them?  Me?  It's what I do.  Only, in this case, there are no doubts.  Either the puzzle works or it doesn't.  Simple.

Ugh.  Later.

Well, maybe they aren't all that crazy.

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Now, I won't completely renege in my notion.  Just that, when a man thinks a woman is crazy?  Yeah, well, it's not always what... it at first seems.  Women just won't express why.  Secrets on top of secrets within secrets.  When a woman trusts to talk, then she won't stop.  Until then, she won't say boo.  Which, yeah.  Figuring out a woman who hasn't yet started talking is like trying to catch a butterfly with your nose... or something like it.  Difficult, although it can be rather entertaining... on both sides, at times.

A bit of thinking and I think I know.  No guarantees, of course.  Yes, pretty sure though.  I do throw things out, random, odd, discomforting, once in a while.  And while all things are possible, most things aren't feasible.  Even if feasible and potentially wise, I may not follow that path anyway.  Something about a rock and moss.  I am a rock but I have gathered moss?  Something.  Still...  Without being able to talk, and even if for fashionable not practical ideas, some pokes to some ribs can put a nose out of joint.  Oh, I still find it humorous.  While completely incorrigible and bearly tolerable, I am exactly what is sought in some circles.  The bad thing is, I know it.  :)

Fairy tales, children, fairy tales.  But they were all based on something.  Fairy tales weren't written to entertain, though, either.  They were written in order to induce you to... write your own, with life, love, war, enemies, friends, and reality.  Why do you think I continue to write publicly?  Now, go play.  I have things to do.

Oh...  I did call my mother.  She is going through a rough spell.  Iowa winters can be rather harsh.  She suggested it was 30 below.  That is the "daytime" temp.  It gets right chilly at night.  She said that there was a blizzard going.  That she hasn't seen the sun as she would want, in some time.  Iowa is brutal in winter.  You really don't see the sun that much, especially in the cold part of Iowa.  That's why I called Iowa City the Florida of Iowa.  I got to see the sun once or twice a week and it 20 below as usually about as cold as it got.  Yep...  Florida!  Seriously.  So, she is blue.  She will be visiting my brother soon, but hasn't packed.  She has her laundry done, she as if that ever really falls behind!  Well, or at least... her behind is... different from my behind... in all manner of meanings, but definitely regarding laundry!  I have decided to nag her, in a good way, to make sure she doesn't just throw it all together on her way out.  It isn't payback so much as returning the favor.  And, yea, it can help.  A call in a few days, then another call if that doesn't see it done.  It does help.  And it means someone loves you enough to bitch at you?  Yea.

On to dishes and, I suppose, laundry.  Actually a lot of my clothes are clean.  It's just that my clothes, towels, etc, are unfolded, in baskets.  Bleh.  Can you just put those in the dryer with a damp cloth?  I think I've heard that.  It would sure save some work.  Bleh.

Later.

Well?

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Don't ask me, I just got here!  A few beers last night for no good or bad reason at all.  It started innocently enough.  I pressure-cooked a roast.  I added water, then thought just a touch of beer might be interesting.  Since I had added enough water fluid already, I decided to only add half a beer.  Waste not, want not, so I finished that remaining half of a beer.  Now, I decided that I couldn't decide if that beer tasted good or not.  So...  I had another.  The judge in me simply could not make up his mind.  After... a few... beers, I never did decide.  But I got more comfortable, that is true.

No troubles doing a few other things last night, as depicted by a like minded worker.  And I woke quite comfortably if not exactly on the run.  A fresh start.  That is what an occasional mid-level sip yields for me.  I rarely go too deeply in the cup these days.  I wouldn't say I went all that deeply last night.  Just a tickle, really.  I don't mind such events, once in a while.  Although, sometimes, I need to go a little longer in the cup for various reasons.  Rare, but...

 

I am continuing to get things done around my home.  Not as fast as I had hoped but more regularly than I had hoped.  I am pushing, and that is yielding fruit, if small fruit.  Today?  Finish the last of the dishes, laundry if I can remember, then hitting the kitchen in general, as hard as I can.  Some things need to go down to the cellar, dishes will need to be put up, and maybe trash and recycling (boxes mostly) can be arranged, perhaps even taken in (boxes).  It's slow, irregular, work, but it is as I can.  And, as I mentioned, improvements are noticeable.  Still fighting medicine, drifting often, but it is coming together.  I have decided to not increase medicine this coming weekend.  I'm tired of being that tired.  Yeah, getting over it faster would be nice, but I like the improvements I am seeing and have some other things I'd like to push through next week.  So...  I will give myself another week at this level of medication.  Only the Lord and I know just how hard I am pushing.  It can only be seen from the inside.  It's not difficult, in some ways, true.  It's more like riding a tornado while solving a rubics cube, psychologically... mentally... even physically a bit.  I'm not great at rubics cubes to start, but that isn't... the whole point?  *grin*

While looking through the news I saw a couple of bits... I wanted to share.  This first story is a story I know to both be true and, well...  Babies come in all sizes, don't you know?  It's not always fake, but sometimes?  This other story is way too funny.  I believe there may be some truth to it, but some truth, as with some smoke, doesn't always mean a simple assumption.  Usually.  To put it another way, I believe indoctrinating oneself to fit with a group that only consciously believes they believe what can be proven, shown, seen, is true is far more detrimental to one's mental health than... figuring out how to make people laugh.  That's all I'm saying the more there.

Well... a bit of waking then on to... something.  Laundry first, or it will be, again, forgotten.  Later.

Dishes and what?

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No, I have put most of the remaining dishes in for a hot soak.  I am, sort of, planning a dinner.  I am considering a load of laundry.  Stumbling around as if I could remember my name, however, I usually find myself sitting somewhere.  My hands either end up on the keyboard or messing with sudoku.  Sodoku, you ask?  Perhaps you haven't heard of it?  No problem, there is much these days I have either not heard of or have heard but don't know a think about.  Gangnam style?  Dozens of others, and you probably could list of many dozens of viral videos and ideas of which I have neither heard nor have any interest in hearing about... so... please, no need to list.

Sudoku isn't really a game of geniuses.  It is, simply a game of numbers.  It can be complex, or simple.  It seems to draw a certain type to it.  I don't know that I know enough other players and non-players to be able to tell you the difference.  But I have known very bright men and women who don't play and not so bright people who do play.  Actually, I count myself, generally, functionally, as a tiny bit above average.  My peaks may be... genius, maybe.  But that isn't where I live.  Then again you will find mice who can truly be genius.  They just have to be hungry, and lucky.

In any case, up to this point, I have been avoiding a couple of things with the game.  With both paper, and usually electronic, versions of the game (now), you can write numbers in the boxes, in small print, in order to figure some things out.  I have figured out even the more complex puzzles without doing so.  I have also avoided... studying techniques.  Why?  Because it's a *u@(#$& game!  And yet, here I am, on the verge of... studying.  Why?  I don't know that!  I suppose I want to learn to solve more of the problems.

My averages?  The game I play tracks all players.  I hadn't been playing the more difficult levels for some time prior to this new game, so... I started out 30% faster than the average player.  I have hit as high as 95% faster than the average player.  The fastest I have completed a puzzle, on my phablet, is 40 seconds.  I am faster with paper ones.  Of course... who is playing is... always the question.  The game is self-selecting, as a general rule, to those interested in the game.  But that doesn't mean 10k 3rd graders can't be the competition on any give day, either.  Probably the days I run slower by average?  Bleh.  Kids!  :) 

Yea, I decided to dig in though.  Just looking over techniques.  And bothering to mess with filling in the numbers and further looking for patterns.  I am no sure if any are unsolvable.  I am sure there are some.  Not sure if those are put out though, but.... who knows.  Just sharing a bit as I tinker.