Up?

.

.

Not sure.  Awake, for the moment.  I did get to bed a little earlier, say 03:30?  Maybe a bit before.  Still not terribly early, in spite of finishing watering very early.  If I did let the last leg run long... almost forgot it!  Ugh.  Still, I do my best.  Well, and I just seeded last night too.  Perhaps a little extra won't hurt.

It is just at 14:00, but I was speaking with my mother for the last... fifteen to thirty minutes.  Sometimes she is in a hurry, and doesn't want to talk.  But today she was very talkative.  I try to avoid taking too much time.  But, lately, my brother and mother talk like they like me!  :p  I usually have the time, so I don't mind.  Just... seems unusual.

I took the bandage off the leg last night, to look... a bit afraid of what I would see.  It is doing well.  It has actually scabbed over, looks clean, and such.  I washed it last time I took the bandage off, and tried to make sure this last bandaging allowed air in.  Though that did happen, I think it was from a mistake made while bandaging, and not my efforts.  God, saints, and how they handle fools?  Amen.

It is still sore in that area, bruised.  Cut and bruised.  Sore to the touch, but not an angry red or even slight pink, just normal other than the huge scab... and down to the meat.  I am almost surprise the bruising hasn't surfaced yet, but those just take there own time.  Sometimes fast, or even nearly immediate, sometimes very slow.  Might not have been a lot of internal bleeding on this one, not good circulation in the legs.

Ah, but I finally, too, called the VA and ordered meds.  I was told I was a month out.  I asked if this was too early, then, to order... that I just wanted to make sure they arrive before I run out.  Nope, just letting me know they wouldn't arrive in a hurry.  All good.  No idea when they will arrive.  I just have to check a bit more often.  I should check the post weekly, anyway.

A friend backed into the electric meter recently.  Praying for them and that.  Must have knocked out the electric at their place.  I have been asking how things have been, since I got the news, but no news back.  It's rough, when you work so hard only to make a little mistake which can potentially cost so much.  Hopefully insurance and such will cover it, without too much fuss... or, maybe, a kindness will allow for a minor expense and learning lesson.  I know he will feel bad about it, probably for years.  Bleh.

Well, on to... seeing if I am awake, or can keep my catch.  If not, okay.  I have at least done the thing I needed to do for the last few days.  There are other things I want to do, but medicine is... slightly elevated above picking up sticks.  Or... in theory.  Not sure if medicine is... it'll keep me alive, but not to any secular, or external, value.  How about that.  Right.  It's only for me, and maybe that also ends up a God compliance thing?  Something in there.  Later.

Working on the lawn.

.

.

Finished by 23:00?  Give or take.  The cave is a bit cooler.  if not actually nice yet.  I got out, right away, and sprinkled grass seed in the areas which need it.  Roughly.  It is dark out there, so I just went by what I could see, and from what I remembered.  I hit the bald areas more, but sprinkled some seed pretty much everywhere out front.

Then I started sprinkling the lawn.  I'm on the second zone.  Just fifteen minutes.  There is some light overlap, but it's as good as I can do.  Would rather a little overlap than missed areas.  It must have been more like midnight, give or take just a bit.  Two more zones, after this next zone.

Though, after setting up this next zone, I will refill waterers, and check the rabbits.  Checking the rabbits first.  I just like to check on them a couple of times a day, if possible.  I am sure they are fine.  And if they aren't there isn't much I could do.  But... sometimes, I have sorted problems out.  It's the idea?  Duty?  Duty.  Or, it at least feels like a duty.

There is the alarm.  On out to the next to the last zone, and the rabbits.  I'll bet some are out of water, so will be taking waterers which are full.  Might take food as well, though they really should have plenty.  There may be mice, however.  And the mice don't seem to prefer peanut butter.  Well, and they have probably learned to only run at night... to avoid the ducks... feathered cats as it were.

Later, or good night.

Way too hot.

.

.

It is only 82 out there.  Actually warmer near the machine than outside.  But not cool enough, outside, yet, to open up.  Chores about broke me.  I can't say why.  I slept fairly well and long "last night".  Though I only actually got, say... six or seven hours of sleep.  I know, some of you feel blessed when you get that.  You don't have a dead heart, either.  This thing has weak batteries that don't recharge quickly, which throttles the rest of the body.  Corpse, really.

I still plan to seed the lawn, and water later tonight.  If I can't work hard, I'll at least get something in.  And a shower, before that, maybe a light shave.  Couldn't get those today either.  The odd thing, is, with a singe ac on since midafternoon, the upstairs is staying down at 73?  Very strange.  I wish, with both running, they would cool it, then, to 68.  There seems to be a strange limit.  I'm assuming it is the buried substructure and soil temperature combination which limits that to some degree.

Getting turbine vents for the attic might help though, too.  A thousand things to do, and only a few hours a week and dollars a month to get these things done.  I do have some sweat equity in the house, but no where near as much as I would have hoped to have in it.  Or the place would be ship-shape, pristine, precisely functioning, and well mannered.

A last night on the road.  Then I have at least three days off.  I am really hoping to get some work done, soon, tomorrow.  Branches... I am between half and a third the way done with those, depending on if you count restacking the cut lumber... oh, well, and delivering the smaller limbs.  Though that will be easier and quicker, so... other than counting stacking, I'd say I am more like two thirds done.

As well, I want to get the eyebolts in, definitely tomorrow, as early to work as possible.  Though with chores beating me up, who knows.  I did do a very little, but somethings, today.  Just... not much.  Later.

Oh, right.

.

.

I think I went to bed around 08:00, give or take an half hour.  I wanted to be to bed earlier.  It didn't work.  I wanted, then, to stay up and do some work.  That, too, didn't happen.  Sometimes I do what I do because that is exactly what I can do.  So it was today.  I woke around 15:30?  Give or take an hour.  Memory absolutely sucks, at the moment.

I am no longer heatsick, but heat oppressed?  I... think that is more like it.  The coolest I can have it is down to 73 in the house, at night, when I sleep.  While I have, mostly, acclimated, it is still difficult.  I probably only sleep better because, for a while, the coolest I could get it was 77.  Not sure what happened.  But I do know, after suffering that, suffering this was better simply by comparison.

I am always a bit overheated.  Though I might still be able to do some things, now and then.  Oh, I need to get a neighbor's phone number into my system, so that if he calls to see if I can help, if I hear it, I can at least get up and try.  Nothing fancy.  I told him I might be able to help for a bit once in a while.  But a bit of help is... can be... helpful.  And it would be good for me.  If nothing else, just to get out and do... something... anything.  Sometimes it is easier to lend a hand than tackle your own problems, if one might lead to the other.

it's already 17:00.  I really need to get a shower, then try to do some work out there.  Even bringing the last load of logs, and perhaps loading a single, or even two, wheelbarrow loads of smaller branches.  Perhaps sprinkling grass seed, and setting up the sprinkler for tonight as well.  Just... a few things, anything, to say I did something.  Yes.

I am so tired of being so tired.  Still tried, trying to break out of it.  Hot, cool, just... do... if I can.  A shower, then chores.  Perhaps a light, single pass, of the razor over the ugly.  Keep that itch down.  Yes, shaving took a lot of the itch away.  All that really remains is the ghost of it.  Growing a beard in the summer is crazy, just... crazy.    Later.

I love it...

.

.

when...

It always takes me a bit to cool down.

.

.

Another night of rounds.  It was tough.  Neither of us were exactly lively.  I burned myself out yesterday.  Even with the long sleep, it was difficult tonight.  He is just beginning to get ground down, by the heavy day work, and the additional night work.  To bed at 00:00~01:00, up at 06:30, working in ~90 for twelve hours, then driving around five hours at night?  Right.

His other job will begin tapering, in time.  He thought it might already have happened, but not so much.  Still, he holds his breath and... does his best.  Keeping him awake tonight was tricky.  Worse, I think he slept with his eyes open.  He thought they were closed, but they weren't.  It's what I look for.  I can't drive for him, so I just have to help keep him awake.

Me?  I'm just... a bit old, ill, out of shape, and weakening to the heat as summer continues.  I'll try, again, tomorrow, to get to work early.  If I can wake.  If not, then to get to work when I can, and just take the hit.  A few more logs to move, more twiggy branches, and a lot of smaller twigs to be loaded, as well, at some point, at least one unloading of the trailer into the greens collection.  Two if I could, though I don't think that is possible.

As well, in with the other work, I could pull the stacked wood, set up the cinder blocks, cut the medium limbs into lengths (setting aside those big enough to be split, then loading those into the wheelbarrow to me moved to the splitting station), and stack the ones small enough to be burned as is.

Oh, and I could put the hay stations on the rabbit cages.  Currently I simply have wood in there, they seem to chew well enough on.  I'd rather they get timothy hay, but... for now... this does and keeps their teeth growth in check.  Oh, and getting the last multi-cage installed would be good.

I would like to move one or both standing, open air, cages to a cooler spot, and move the finishing cage to a better spot.  Both for ease of access and to hopefully make them cooler for the critters.  I have cleared the wood, so that they can be moved.  Mostly.  But I can't move them myself.  They are far too heavy and bulky for one to even drag them.  Even a near giant one.  I have great strength, and more, just no stamina... or... currently, yet.  If I keep pounding my head into the wall, will that help?  I... it... hasn't yet.  But, maybe.  I've been doing it for thirty years.  Why would I stop now?

Cats fed and dressed as if I had a reason.

.

.

I got dressed, hoping I could get out and get to work.  It is cooler out there, around 84, and, yes, mostly cloudy.  Not full coverage, majority.  Then I decided to feed the girls.  I thought Sam was outside.  In that case, I feed Sassy (indoors), then take Sam's food out to her.

I searched high and low for that cat.  All of her typical holes and hideyholes.  Neither was she in any of those, nor did she appear off the roof, or out of nowhere, which she may well do.  Going deaf, and a sound sleeper, but... no.  I do worry she will die somewhere, and I won't find her.  I would like to bury her, here, if she dies while I still live here.  She has lived her at least twice as long as I have.  Still, it may not be possible.  She may just fade into the land, back into it.

She was indoors.  Slept through my call for food.  Pretty typical.  She either sleeps through it, or, now, begs for food all of the time... but won't eat treats for whatever reason.  Sassy will eat whatever she is given, except dry food... for... whatever reason.  When I tried making that all there was, she would just get Sam to vomit up pre-digested dry food, so she could have wet food.  Not sure why, or how, that worked, but it did.  Myself, and Sam, hated that, so... other food is given.

But, that two trips around the house pretty much exhausted me.  I had planned to get them fed, then begin some work.  I was already getting dizzy, just from walking.  Twice around the house and I had to find a seat.  At least I didn't go back to bed after the last awakening.

Tomorrow, perhaps.  If I can.  I may well be able to work, a bit, especially if I can do it in the morning.  I got more done yesterday than I thought possible, in the short time I worked.  But it did get to me.  And I am showered and well shaved.  So I at least appear sort of more human.

Hmm, best get to something.  Need to eat.  Later.

I just can't work today.

.

.

It did cloud over, I noticed as I awoke.  An hour ago?  Maybe.  Not sure, clouds can come and go quickly, in this heat.  Or potential heat.  But they looked fairly potent.  Still, a weather system can pass through in minutes, it seems, if it's small enough and the wind is heavy.  I doubt it, but... I only looked in one direction, so not sure if it was a skyful or just to the east/southeast.

Too tired.  I keep pushing to go.  I simply haven't been able to get going.  Sleepy, but not sleepy enough to actually go back to sleep now.  Tired as well, if not exhausted?  I think that is how I would describe it.  The work yesterday wore me out, and that remains.  But I don't have the deep, death-like sense of lack of energy which makes me wonder if death is around the corner.  Well, he is, he just isn't ready to ring the bell for me.  Bastard.

My mother called.  Her heart, probably, checks out.  He cleared her, in any case, to reschedule her appointment for surgery.  She went through an ekg, I think, and a echocardiogram.  The latter hasn't been processed yet.  But, from all else, she was given a clean bill of heart health.  At least there is that.  Probably just stress.  It can happen to worst of us.

I had also hoped to get in to town, to deposit checks.  But that just didn't happen either.  Sleep was good, I think, mostly.  I did redo my shave.  I had missed a few light patches.  I think I am improving.  Last month I purchased a variable safety razor.  It is definitely a bit more aggressive, even at the lower settings, than my starter shaver.  Oddly, being that much more wickedly... close... I shave much more carefully.  

I... understood almost immediately that I was working with a dangerous thing, far more dangerous than my first.  I thank God I started with my first one, it was much more forgiving.  It was, truly, a trainer.  I'll keep it, in case I go without shaving for a while.  I can step back through the skill progression with it, then back to this new razor.  Wow is it... sharp.

Even so, I am still learning how to shave more completely.  Sometimes I do better, other times I miss spots.  The patches I miss aren't completely missed, and are becoming more of a thing where the angles and whisker directions cause some difficulty.  Improving, but... I only need to shave a few times a week, so I don't get to improve quickly.  Shaving any more is really hard on my face.  Even twice a week is pretty harsh.  But, damn, almost baby butt smooth.  I'm not completely convinced that is truly possible... though... I... don't actually know how smooth a baby's butt is, and would rather keep it that way.  Still, I... have to guess a mother would be concerned if her baby's butt felt anything like my shaved face.  Looks?  Hey, I was born ugly.  Can't do much about that.

While sleeping, I was trying to sort out a term.  The additional part, at the end of a word, added to a root, to change the meaning.  Perhaps, say -al, to addition, or -ty, to difficult.  Suffix?  I'll... figure it out shortly.  It was... off-topic, to my dream, whatever I was dreaming.  But became the whole of the dream as I was going crazy trying to remember.  As well, the word for additions to root words, added to the beginning of the work, perhaps like be, in begin?  Or bi, in bipedal... that one for sure.  I'll... sort that shortly, now that the torment from the dream has come to my waking mind.  I now can't remember what the main of the dream was truly about!  A conversation, in which I was trying to be clever, then tripped on my own brain.

Later.

Probably not.

.

.

Well, at least I did the chores.  I needed a rest, after.  Took it.  I seem to be failing rather than gathering steam.  On back to bed.

I had also hoped to get the checks in.  Oh well.  Tomorrow.  Or... some other day.  Good night.  Again.  And good day.

A bit of sleep.

.

.

A few hours.  Upset is difficult to sleep through, even if expected.

Up at 08:30.  Chores done.  I had some hope it would still be cool enough out there to open back up yet this morning.  It is right on the edge, so not worth the effort.  I'd be shutting it all back down in less than an half hour, and probably to no good.  Being that close to equilibrium, none of that could be coaxed indoors.  It's difficult, on still nights, to get a ten degree difference to do much as to cooling.

Having showered before bed, I was in shape to just dress and get to it.  Chores, rabbits and ducks, finished.  No mice in the water bucket trap.  Though it sure looks like the mice have been in the feeders.  Though... maybe not?  I am almost sure, but, then, maybe not.  I am not sure even several mice to go through what appears missing.  But a horde of them could.  But if there was a horde of them, some would surely prefer the peanut butter on the trap over alfalfa pellets?

I still need a bit of a rest, after chores.  Then, I hope to get out and add more twigs and twiggy branches to the hauler.  And later, get that over to the green waste area and dump that.  It won't be all of it, just the bigger and middling sized items.  Then I will have to get on to the smaller ones.  Raked, probably, into piles, then bundled into the wheelbarrow.  And, then, added to the trailer.  Emptying that is going to be a lot of work.

The checks, from the mortgage company are here.  I had hoped to get a window in this month, and add an larger ac downstairs.  I'll just have to suffer through the summer, again.  At this point, I must squirrel away everything I can.  No more storage of food or else, that will all be run down and out.  I will eat down what I have, as possible, buying as little else as possible.  The ducks and rabbits may, over the winter, help me avoid buying more than a little meat, if I process and cook well.

Everything, at this point, is about storing up money, getting rid of belongings down to, pretty much, what I can carry for when the vehicle eventually dies.  Figuring out as small of a general area in which to travel so as to be gone long enough that returning isn't an issue, and figuring out how to be as invisible as possible.

At my next appointment, I will be talking to my doctor.  To see if there is any way medicines can be obtained.  Perhaps a hospital visit once very three months.  Though insulin will be a trick to keep cool.  As well, individual V.A.'s don't always have the medicine on hand.  Perhaps they don't even really keep supplies.  Though, perhaps, with a tweak, I could call in the scripts and have them delivered to a hospital or clinic I will be near?

Oh well, I could really keep a house anyway.  Just... thinking.  By spring, say right before it gets way too hot, but after it is too cold?  Yea, but good luck with that.  Never can tell when it will do what.  But... can get past the worst of it?  Maybe.  I'll have to figure out what is more public lands, and what is US corporate owned.  Later.

Later than hoped.

.

.

I had to sit, for a while.  Couldn't even go to bed.  I had to cool and calm down.  I finally got a shower and shave.  Plus the cats fed.  I am hoping to get their litter sorted yet tonight.  Not sure that is possible.  So tired, and yet... still... not quite able to even get to bed.  So, I write.

I am considering all things.  A lot on my mind.  The general plan is get the house appraised, and figure out how to dispose of it best.  Animals, to items, vehicles to... else.  I have a rough plan of being out of the house by the spring.  I'll be looking for places to live, for short periods of time, in my vehicle.  Places to camp.

The thing is, in most places, drifters are moved along.  I am nearly considered a drifter here.  "Owning" a home gave me some minor cover.  Drifters are considered pre-criminal.  Even if you try to rent, you might be rolled on out, nicely or less nicely, perhaps permanently.  I would guess, if you knew where to dig, you would find a lot of bums, tramps, and other drifters who just wouldn't take a hint.

It doesn't matter if you create a camping site in a legitimate place or not, the time is ticking as soon as you arrive.  A few days to a few weeks, and they will begin pushing for you to leave.  No matter how clean you keep your site.  Tick-tock, time is running out before you know it.  Best to get before then.  If you start seeing law or rangers, time to pack and go.

It won't be an easy life.  No ac, no heat, and the vehicle only as long as it lasts.  Keeping up on food, alone, will be a trick.  Medicine?  I'm not sure how to even keep up on that.  No addressed residence, no mail?  This won't be a long run.  It's what I've got.

I had thought about LA, or the others.  But, yeah, no.  Those places are for the criminal and some others.  I have some guess, at some point, they will be rounded up.  Once their usefulness at destroying small business and driving the middle and upper lower classes out.  It probably won't be a gentle herding, or a pleasant finality.  Though they may go after drifters everywhere.  A general... removal.  Though, they may just grab every on ebt or drifting, regardless of much else.

I'd prefer to stay in mountainous areas.  Living on more public, but not federal, lands.  Federal land management will eventually drive even interior land owners off, killing any who dare to enter the king's land.  Probably debauching it in ways not even the worst of so-called offenders could imagine.  Removing mountains using Chinese slave labor, for China.  Strip mining everything from ores to trees.

Not sure how soon that will happen, as a common and heavy thing, but it's been happening in small bits and bites, here and there.  Even cattle ranchers are being driven off.  As much to build Chinese solar arrays, or other such tom-foolery.  I wonder how many families have simply been disappeared?

Well, it's a new world.  I guess, for me, the trick is to do what I can, for as long as I can.  Yea, a lot on my mind.  I thank whoever tried to get me a fair hearing.  I can guess.  All I can say is, losing has consequences.  Still, I get the sentiment.  If only it was about the sentiment, not the reality.  Meh.

Good night.

SSD rejected.

.

.

I was pretty sure that would be the case.  So I'm not... bowled over by it.  I was hoping for a better ruling, but expected this one.  I have sixty days to fight the ruling.  I... couldn't make sense of the rest of it.  I sent it to someone who can read it and make sense of it from an uninvolved point of view.

If I think about fighting it, with a ruling in hand, I will again check with a few lawyers.  I have doubts if any will take the case.  They wouldn't even after I got them the information they wanted.  Still, it is the only way.  Without a lawyer, it probably isn't worth trying.  Not that I definitely won't, only that... I know the odds.

I suspect most veterans are being cut.  Or, certainly, conservative ones are.  It's just the way this admin will work.  More ssi handouts, fewer payouts to disabled vets, it's just how it works.  Redistribution to more, and less to all, sort of thing.  With a side dose of politics.  Regardless what the ruling actually says.

At least it is what I was expecting.

With work earlier, and the night run, I'll be ready for bed shortly.  It is still 80 in here, in the front room.  With everything turned off and much of the house opened while I was gone.  Ugh.  A shower will help.  And, maybe a shave.  I'm not sure if the beard has been making me itchy all over, but it wouldn't surprise me.

If I can get to bed, I'd like to try to wake early enough to do a bit more work, as I did today, but when it is cooler.  More branches out to the trailer, and perhaps that unloaded.  More bigger branches into a pile.  And the pile already created moved out, the cinder blocks placed... along with a few t-posts at each end, then all restacked.  As well, those bigger branch lengths need cut to the right size, some possibly need split out, and then those stacked on top of the cinder blocks as well.

Oh, not... all tomorrow.  That might take me all summer.  As well as splitting out the other wood, which has already been cut into firewood lengths.  A neighbor was by today.  We talked about the wood.  He said he himself had given the wood a few swings, and decided it was as strong as oak.  So... yeah.  If I can split one or two of those a day, that... would be good exercise, and about my limit... if I can do even that.

Actually, I feel pretty good.  The tunnel vision is almost gone.  I am becoming tired, after sort of getting better from the earlier exertion.  I am going to try to push it, some here at home, some helping others.  If I can get to even ten hours a week, I'll be happy.  Twenty hours would be preferable.  Just not in this heat, and as and when possible.  Dubious but... possible.  Sometimes.

Good night.

I did it!

.

.

Oh, only an half hour, work time.  But I was out there two hours or so.  Branches, into the hauler.  Plus, all the medium logs from one area.  I had been carrying them a few at a time, decided to try to wheelbarrow.  That worked much better.  I cleared one area, which ended up five or six trips, plus loading/carrying when I did it that way.

I was surprised I could do that much.  Had to sit, from time to time.  Tunnel vision.  Shortness of breath.  Other bad things.  Still, I did what I could.  After finishing that, I took the wheelbarrow to another batch of bigger branches, filled with everything on that side, and just... stopped.  That is what I could do.

It was 84 out there when I started.  It was still 84 when I quit.  I don't... think I can do 90 or up.  I probably shouldn't do this.  But... I did.  Maybe I will sleep well, and wake early, and do some more tomorrow.  If I can, I will get the rest of the big branches, those which will fit, into the hauler, get that over to the city wood collection, and empty it.  Then, if possible, get that last big batch of larger branches over to the area where I'll be sorting wood, for burning in time.

Oh, and I'd like to get the eyebolts up for the hammock.  And, maybe, get the shade for it, and the hammock itself, up... soon.  Perhaps to sleep out at night.  I'm excited.  I finally got enough sleep to do some minor thrashing.  Perhaps it will help me sleep tonight, as mentioned, so that I can wake and get to it early.

Or... not.  That may just have turned me into a toaster for a week or month.  I'll know soon enough.  Sure taking in water.  Still with the tunnel vision... it only backed off ever so much.  It's about... a third way tunneled currently, down from probably three quarter or more, and seeing stars.  I pushed it.

Chopping wood, moving logs, moving branches, cleaning and clearing inside, sleeping, and eating.  Goals, plans, hopes.  Or just sleep.  Who knows.  Later.

Pretty ugly.

.

.

I think it was around 90~94 when I woke, around 16:00?  Up to an hour earlier.  It is down to 84, but that is still ugly hot.  For whatever reason, the upstairs is now getting down to 73, day or night, with both air conditioners running, and two fans going.  So sleep is good enough.  If too, because of it, I am sleeping twelve to fourteen hours a day.  

I did wake at 08:00 this morning, and shut everything down.  It was 72 and 73 down here, when I closed up.  But 76 and 80 by the time I woke, midafternoon.  I tried to stay awake, but my legs were even weak.  This heat is getting too repetitive.  I am doing much better in it, than ever before.  But, at some point, it has begun pounding me into the ground.  I can't really work my way through it.  If I could keep it to even 74, or maybe 76, downstairs, I could probably do a bit better.

The outside temp is actually moderate.  Given all the givens.  It could easily still be 94, or have gone up to 96, or even 104.  It's not uncommon.  And, some think a dry climate helps, and really it does, but at some point, over some number of days, the body of even the healthy begin to be over taxed just by the heat.  The unhealthy?  Yea.

I did get on the mower, and cut a good wide path through grasses and alfalfa, out to the outbuilding with the rabbits.  It isn't too bad of a walk, but there are some thorny weeds down low, and the grasses grab at the legs.  I just wanted an easier walk to and fro.  Plus... it felt like I did something.  

The front lawn is doing better, greening, but probably won't be doing a lot of growing any time soon.  Too hot.  Now that I am back to watering regularly, I need to get seed out there.  And, possibly, buy more seed and just overseed, and continue watering, but go without cutting, for a bit.  This year, maybe, I will get that going and doing well?  Maybe.

Ugh... so very hot.  Sleep is helping.  And I feel better, plus feel rested and mostly healthy.  But I am only awake part of a day, and not able to do much with it.  It's as good as it gets in high summer?  Probably.  Later.

About that time.

.

.

A drive around, then watering the lawn.  I promised the rabbits I would check on them, tonight, if I could.  I could.  So, I did.  Their food and water looked to last them to the morning, or when I get out next.  Still, it isn't always about having to change things out.  Just being checked on, I think, helps their state of mind.

Just the front yard.  But all four quads, and a bit of the side yard.  It is between 58 and 59 out there, but it is still quite warm in here.  There is no air movement, which doesn't help.  It is still 76 in here.  I am hoping, if I can get to bed very shortly, that I will be able to wake by 08:00, if for no other reason than to shut the house down.  I will risk keeping it open, I do believe.

I'd love something to eat.  I had kefir, but that just didn't cut it.  I'll pull a chicken out to thaw.  Then cut it down, and pull the skin for baking.  That really is some seriously tasty food.  I need to get to the grocery store, too.  Fresh veggies for a stew.  Hmm, may pull burger as well, so as to fry crumble.  Goes very well with salad and cheese as a simple taco salad... spiced correctly.  Ugh, making myself hungry just writing about it.  Incentive.

Yea.  I'll brush my teeth, then head on up to bed.  Water wouldn't be bad, but... I've had too much to drink already.  Sleep well.  Good night.

So hot for being so cool.

.

.

The temp dropped from whatever high it got to, at least 90, to 84 by the time I got out there.  No, the sun is still up.  A very... strange thing.  It still hit me like running into a brick wall.  I had to go slow, but was able to get the rabbit chores done in one go, and refreshed the girls' water.

Sam looks as exhausted as I might, could, should.  She decided she has had enough of outdoors, as well.  Both of the ladies are resting, and where they find it coolest.  Summer is great, right until they realize it is ruthless.  Fed the first time I woke, and the third time, so they aren't missing food.  As well, I took meds the first time I woke, and just a bit ago.  Doing what I can.

It is hotter in this front room, still, by a degree.  But it is far too hot for opening up.  When it hits 77 to 74, depending on the day, that's when I open up.  At least I am catching up on sleep.  I really needed that.  Still need more.  I could probably, if I can get that up there cool enough, could sleep most of the day for a week, just to get caught up.  If, in this heat, I really need more sleep.  Brutal.  At least for me.

Sure, the neighbor type is working out in the heat.  But he won't, for long, even just when he hits my age.  If he gets deathsick, he won't be doing what even I do.  It's just about flattening me, but chores must be done.  That is half the reason I obtained the critters... more, actually.  Oddly, what doesn't kill you will often make you stronger.  It doesn't make me stronger, it just... keeps me alive?  That and other pains, yes.  All good.  A grace of some sort, if I... can't always understand it.  Not my job to understand, only to... do His will.  Satan keeps dropping suicide tips.  I just laugh.  I would say, "You first!", but the truth is, that one has already pulled the trigger, with eyes wide open, and... for that one... it worked.  Death, as with time, isn't what it seems.  Or, not for all.  I suppose permanent death is only a grace for certain animals and regular animals.  The rest live forever, so best to choose wisely now.

Ugh.  So damned hot.  Later.

A last stretch of sleep.

.

.

Slept like the dead.  Down, out, done.  But for just a short bit.  It is 16:00, so, maybe, three and an half hours down?  Mayhap.  Give or take an hour.  Showered before I went down.  Oh, so... luscious.  I really do love those things, when I am up to taking them.

I didn't before, by timing out.  But I timed out for a reason, sleeping before I could decide to get to it.  It wasn't just running out of runway to boost to it, but I... was... afraid... of my leg, the wound.  As it turns out, it was just fine.  And, yes, I... checked it... very haphazardly, as well as cleaned it, without soap, just water and going over it a few times, trying not to look.  

I bandaged the wound, and will do so, probably, one more time.  The parts of the wound which were too odd to cover have scabbed well.  Though, if like most wounds, they won't heal for a very long time.  I have scratches on my arms, from the girls being angry at each other and forgetting where they were, or jumping up, or down, without thinking, from months ago.  Things, now, heal very sporadically.  But on my legs, I have serious fear.  Between the heart and diabetes... legs are scary places to obtain wounds.  Still, it's... looking okay.

One ac was able to keep it to 77 up there, through to the heat of the day.  It is 90 outside, give or take.  I looked, but not closely, and memory is a bugger right currently.  But I think it was 90, or 92, no less, probably no higher... maybe 94, but I don't think so.

I must have almost caught someone.  The back door was open.  I guarantee I never leave that open.  Not sure how they get in, but they still do.  Not sure what they are doing or taking, but I am quite sure they are after something.  I did get the ducks fed and watered, and will do the rabbits shortly.  I have to refill waterers.  I haven't been able to keep up on all of it lately, so I have had to work to do chores every other or third day.  

I just can't keep up in this heat.  It is as good as I can do.  But they get water checked every day, almost never going without unless they go crazy on the stuff, or figure out how to dump it?  Yeah, boredom?  Silliness?  Petulance?  Understand, while not human, I do believe they have many senses we have.  Maybe not for the same reason, maybe not exactly exhibited in the same way, even from one to the other.

They have the very beginnings of the thing that actually makes humans human... a touch of chaos, is what I call it, if countered by a want of lawfulness.  And I think some are more benign, and some are... destructive.  They aren't capable of good or evil, but then, neither are humans.  Humans can choose one or the other, and attempt it.  But even with God or Satan in their lives they fail, either way.  The difference is choice.  With animals, it seems to be hardwired.  Whether through programming (rearing) or pure genetics is a whole other can of worms.

The heat hit me like a ton of bricks, even though it didn't seem all that warm?  Odd.  So, I am scribing my experiences and resting, until I can fill waterers.  Then, probably, another rest before getting to the rabbits.  I'm in a hurry but simply have no capacity to do.

The extra sleep is helping, but I obviously, to me, am in a sleep deficit beyond my ability to function well.  I'll keep at it, keep trying, keep pushing, for what good it does.  If I suspect that the pushing, even through a failure desert, is what keeps me alive.  It isn't that I become stronger, it's that I don't give up.  Much like on the river.  It wasn't the strength of body that allowed survival.  It was the strength of spirit.  The very peculiar strength of body just made it so that when survival had be obtained, the flesh was still whole and hale.  Mind the spirit, the flesh will tend itself, or you will in time.  Amen.

Later.

The crash happened much more quickly than anticipated.

.

.

I was sitting here, thinking on a shower, waking by looking around, when all of a sudden, I couldn't even sit anymore.  Or think.  It all failed.  Back to bed.  It was, and is, still 72 up there!?!  Very strange.  I haven't checked the temp outside yet, then again I am still not sure I am awake.

I woke because my bladder was full, but I didn't want to use a pee jug.  I hate cleaning those out.  Still, they are very good for when I wake up, totally trashed by life, in the middle of the night(*tm - whatever my "night" might be, as in this case 13:15 or so).  Especially when, sometimes as it happens, I feel the need five or six times, or more, during a night.  Cutting my fluid intake, and the waterpill, have helped, but... not completely.  Sometimes I am not up to the trip, sometimes there would be enough trips that it would be tiresome, so... the bottles.  And, there are still rare nights, when I fill the three liter jug, and have to begin another one.  So... yeah.  But not 'tonight'!  I love when I can go without.

Still, I may not be able to stay awake.  Heard of Sleeping Beauty?  There is always an opposite.  I am Sleeping Ugly!  I may have to sleep long, but at least I don't have to sleep for days anymore, usually.  Lost a lot of my life to the bed, no real choice.  Even when they offered ritalin, while I didn't sleep days (except when I took time off from it), I still slept long hours... much as I do now.  Though I was much more awake when I was awake.  Even that, though, I couldn't take every day.  It was absolutely exhausting to continue, 15 mg was crushing.

I'll have to check them mail, see if my bp med increase is in.  I haven't started taking the increased dosage, didn't have enough remaining.  I did add that dose to the next three weeks, I think... though I have been through four days, so even that is running out.  And, to see if a check is in.  When I wake, or later.  So very tired.

Back to bed, I do believe.  It must be the temp, allowing me to finally sleep, and my body trying to make up for the last month of not sleeping as it needs.  I'm surprised that doesn't kill me.  But... as I have stated and proven if you believe even some of what you read, I am terrible at dying, but becoming perfected at suffering.  Not a bad thing, if you... can bear it.

Dreams, too.  Of flying.  No drama in it, just flying... at speed.  Speeds you couldn't imagine, yet.  Though, sometimes, more coasting or slowly looking over the land or mountains, or just enjoying the cooler air in my face.  Then again, to, I dream of war.  But more lightly, not so... emotionally involved, and not the dreams I can't change about it.  Just war.  Not always just against men, but against demons too.  I rarely remember much.  The war dreams have been happening for the last few months, off an on.  Not just while hot, hasn't really increased, if more like... background dreams.  Good dreams, mostly.  War has it's place and time.

Yes, back to bed.  Good night... again.

Awake, and very early.

.

.

At least given bedtime.  Everything itches, or did as I woke.  I really need to shave the beard.  Some guys can do beards, some can't.  Mine itches too much.  That and a few mosquito bites from last night and yesterday have me on edge.  I can't do much about the mosquito bites, going to get a few.  But I can get the whiskers off.

It was 4:44 when I went to bed.  But I did get the trash together, out.  As well, there were some things in the bottom of the barrel which hadn't gotten out, so I cleared those and put them in with the last bag before I closed it up and got it out.  I may have to clean the barrel, as well.  But not until it has been emptied.

I didn't think it was recycling, this week.  But just checked, in case.  I don't have much, but enough to go if it was.

The lawn got a bit to drink.  It was overdry from starting watering so late in the season.  But I am on it now.  Every two or three days, each part will get a drink.  I may seed, again, as such.  There is one area which just doesn't do well.  I need a hedge, or something.  I keep thinking about it.  But, between lack of funds, and lack of gumption, and honestly fear of costs, I haven't sorted that out.  Or... not yet.

It is just at 08:10, and about ~68 out there.  I didn't look really closely, but about that.  It got down to 72 last night, upstairs.  I'm surprised I woke.  I need sleep so desperately, usually.  But I am feeling okay this morning.  Other than needing to scratch everywhere.

I left that ac's going, in case I crash in a few hours.  Which I suspect I will do.  I may get a shower, then a shave, this morning, while up.  And, for good measure, redress my wound... get a look at it.  It is seeping at night.  Which isn't a bad thing.  Just an icky thing.  But it doesn't hurt as bad as it did at first.  It was sore to even look at, or so it seemed.

On to zooming around the web, looking for this and that.  I'm sure there is something out there to find or figure out.  Later.

Watering the lawn.

.

.

That, a bit of food, and getting trash ready.  So tired, rough.  It's been pretty warm all day, inside.  It was only up to 84, from what I have seen as a high, outside.  But inside has been 84 to 77, depending where.  I have both ac's running up stairs, for now.  Hopefully it will allow a cool sleep.  Probably a long one.

I haven't been able to do much, until it cooled a bit.  It was 68, or so, last time I looked.  That might have been several hours ago?  It just isn't cooling much out there.  So it hasn't been cooling in here.  I would have been to bed earlier, but I got lost in the heat.  Didn't remember to start watering the lawn.  But that is going fast.  Just giving a areas about fifteen minutes, unless I lose track.  Which... happens.

After this last run, it's just a matter of getting trash out.  I have sorted several bags of recycling, and gotten them out, if I don't think tomorrow is a day to put recycling out.  Every other week.  So tired though.  Just getting the sprinkler and hose moved around has been very taxing.  But I did hit the front and back lawn.  Six areas.  Not quite the whole of the back yard, but that which was needed, I hope.  The whole of the front yard, and a part of the side yard were hit well.

Only up fourteen hours.  But the heat is getting to me.  A headache from it.  But I couldn't have slept during the day.  Just... wasn't able to do it.  I'll get to bed shortly though... just... need to get trash finished and out.  If possible.  Good night.

A rather late start.

.

.

I was to bed by midnight, perhaps one, up to an half hour after either at most.  And, it was down to 73!  Oh, it was wonderful.  That is the coolest night I have had in... a very long time.  Both ac's were running, and the fans were on high.  Downstairs was open.

I think it got down to 58~62, I can't remember exactly, outside.  Indoors, when I woke, upstairs was still 73, downstairs was 75 everywhere, and outdoors was 80.  It was just before 13:00.  Lucky I caught it when I did.  Would rather have awaken earlier, and shut things up, if I'm not sure it would have made much of a difference.  

I think, without air conditioning, 75 is probably as cool as the downstairs will remain without being open to cooler air.  It is based on ground temp, and how much of that can pull heat from the house through the stone and cement buried underground.  It used to be possible to be cooler, but that was because the branch kept the sun off a large portion of the roof.  It didn't really hurt, in the winter.  The sun just doesn't offer any warmth.  Besides, at that angle, the branch wouldn't keep any sun off anything.

I suspect, the reason I couldn't get up earlier, was the temp.  While it is only a few degrees cooler, my body needed that, terribly.  I left on ac on, and one of the fans on low.  I always do the latter, rarely do the former.  I am hoping, again tonight, to get upstairs to 73... maybe cooler.  That one ac will help temper it up there, during the day.

I am hoping to catch up on sleep, and get good sleep.  At this point, 73 is oasis like for me.  Another night, of sleep as long as needed, and I might be able to get back to a few things.  I have been crippled, broken, overheated, and unwell for it lately.  Can't get much done.  Even chores are difficult.  Once a day, lately.  Too tired, sleepy, achy, and heated to check or do more, other than an occasional little thing.

Oh, I will start towels, in the washing machine.  And put those out later.  I need to set up water for tonight, but hopefully be done in an hour or so.  Perhaps do the back too, so maybe an hour and an half if I can get it going, and see it through.  I can hope.  Well, and maybe another shower today.  The one yesterday was fantastic.  Though, not midday.  It is far better to shower if I am up before 06:00, or after it starts cooling out there.  Later.

No nap.

.

.

I'm not completely sure what all happened.  Though I did get the brats cooked, and a few eaten.  Food.  Almost any food is good when you haven't really eaten in a while.

I'll open up the upstairs and, maybe, get a shower taken.  Then get the towels into the washing machine, if I won't wash them until tomorrow.  Too late to hang them out.

One more meals for the girls, plus perhaps a couple more brats for me.  I cooked two packages, so have many left.

Nothing fancy.  But I should be getting to bed early... earlier... plus be fed and maybe clean.  Actually, of late, that is fancy.  Good night.

So tired!

.

.

Wait, sleepy, actually.  I have tried to do physical work, but couldn't quite make sense of it.  The internet and yt were tried next.  I'd fall asleep while watching something... anything... new or old, liked or unknown.  Though the new stuff on yt is almost beyond dull.  I tried to play a game, to... wake or stay awake.  I kept nodding off.

No, something... too hot?  Not hotter than usual, probably cooler.  Last I checked, it was still at 80 out there.  Which, for this month, and day, and without a weather system in, is pretty good.  Probably residuals from the cooling recently.  It is 84 in here, in the front room, and 76 in the main room?  Or so.  Probably up into the low to mid 80's upstairs.

If I am to nap, I will have to turn both ac's on, and have the fans pushing the cool air at me.  I do have brats thawing, but it will take a while.  My leg really hurts.  I bruised it good.  And rolling while sleeping, even with the patch... it gets bumped.  Plus that girls seem to really enjoy tickling my sore places.

No shower, yet.  Too sleepy.  Yea, I think I will go on up and see about a nap.  Hopefully I will wake before too long, or wake early when it is cool.  Ugh, but I really would like to stay up until it is cool enough to partially open.  Hmm... I'll... see.  I'll write at you later, a bit later, or much later.

No clues.

.

.

Not sure when I went to bed.  Chores are done, including rabbits, at 14:00, shortly after waking... whenever it was that I woke.  I woke this morning, to heat.  couldn't do more than drag myself over to the closest ac, turn it on, hope that might help, and go back to bed.  It was 79 then, got to 75, so... it did work.

It is 79 now, with the machine on since I woke, 80 outside... which isn't bad for this time of day.  Ducks and rabbits seemed happy.  Fed, watered, and spoken with, they seem satisfied.  Cats next, soon.  but I had to sit.  A good first run though.  But, soon, feeding and watering the girls, plus tending their litter.  I did that last night... or this morning... before sleep.  But you know how fast that piles up if you don't keep on top of it.  At least this new litter completely clumps and stays clumped.

Kefir, shortly, or perhaps right now?  Yea.  I love the magic of the internet.  Done!  Plus medicine.  I keep the filled dispensers in the basement.  Actually, that was it.  I best call for refills.  Kefir and some water.  Not really up to more.  Though I think I'll thaw bratwursts for grilling tonight.  Soon.  Done, done, done.  Now I can sit with a clean conscience.  No choice anyway.

The hope, today, is to open the kitchen back up a bit, and get a shower in.  Maybe, as well, wash the various towels and bath sheets from the bathroom.  Hmm, I think I best clean the washing machine first.  Some things sat in there a little long.  No green fuzz, but it smells a bit stale.

Other than that, just figuring out how to wake, stay as cool as possible, and sort out the achy body.  Tylenol?  I have to admit, it hasn't been working well.  I may have to go back to aspirin.  Or at least for a while.  I only usually use them once a week, or more often every other week.  So I'm not too worried.  Usually.

On to looking around the web.  Can't believe much, but, sometimes... fact and fiction collide.  Later.

Completely lost.

.

.

I realized a bit ago that I... hadn't done anything.  I had been sitting at the computer for many hours.  What I was doing is anybody's guess.  I decided to get on the ps4 and play a game.  I... did a few things in there, but was falling asleep.  So...  I gave that up.  It's about bedtime.  I'll just go on up stairs and sleep.

A pleasant headache going.  I write that half in jest, but only half.  It is a milder headache.  A rare thing.  I can handle this fairly easily.  So tired, a bit confused.  It has been a cooler day, but not all that cool.  The house, now, stays fairly warm... 75 or higher.  And, yes, that is a bit of a problem.

A cooler day, but it didn't cool the house much.  Still, it made chores much easier.  And, if I had been more on my toes, I would have been out there in it more often.  Just... for the fresh air and having a cool day, with sunlight and everything.  It's just not always easy to do even the simple things.  I seem to be crashing.

I may not be able to do a thing, for who knows how long.  But I can pray.  And I do, will.  You will be in there, generally or specifically.  You'd be surprised who I pray for, possibly why.  Even if you hate my guts.  Actually, especially you.  I... feel sorry for you.  Even if you deserve to hate, it's... a hell of a burden.  I do feel bad for giving you that reason, or perceived reason.  I probably can't change anything, either.  So... I will pray, that you may release your burden.

Good night.

Vinegars.

.

.

Yes, that project is still ongoing.  Every day, or every few, I have worked with them.  There is, sometimes, white growth which has to be removed.  As noted, adding fluid, to allow that to overflow out, is better than trying to spoon it out.  Though, a spoon also helps.  Not sure if it is going to work out.

A thing I have learned, is that when the fruit was put in, it generally sank.  As the probiotics and else broke the fruit down, it would rise.  That is what would allow for negative growth.  So, the trick is to pull the fruit as it rises.  As well as to rinse any growth up and out, and spoon anything that doesn't leave that way.

A bit of a trick, and learning curve.  Most of the fruit is gone.  Though I probably should strain the jars, as some of them contain fluid which is too dark to see through.  After that, I then let them sit for ten days.  They are all about ready for that final stage.

I have been sampling along the way.  To be honest, they taste rather weak.  I am not absolutely convinced that these will end up strong enough.  Though, who knows.

I also need to get more dried fruit, for bottling the water kefir.  And clean the swing-top bottles, for a second fermentation.  Though, I believe, I need to reset that kefir.  What is in there is a bit old.  But it has grown well.  I may set it up, let it go a day, then put it in the fridge, to slow the growth... until I have the rest of the process ready.  Then, redo it one more time for fresher water based kefir.

The heat is, as the cold does, slowing me down.  It is 81 in here, at 16:03, which is cooler than usual.  It is 68, but looks to have warmed to 68, not dropped to it.  And, we did get rain.  How much I can't say.  But it wasn't enough to leave puddles up front.  Still, any free water, this time of year, is a great blessing.

This is more like August weather, when we begin to get clouds and rain.  Some might try to link it to spring, but it was just too hot for too long.  And this isn't actually cold, just cool.  Though it may be something splintered off from the tropical storm they had down south recently.  Just... odd, that, again, it would come up this way.

I'll try to get things sorted and going in a bit.  I'm going to play a game, for a bit.  See if that can help me wake up a bit more.  I did get cat litter sorted and the girls a bit more food.  Sam is outside, enjoying the world.  Mostly just sleeping out there.  Then again, I may end up napping, then doing work when I wake.  Before or after gaming.  Just... can't... get going.  Later.

Rough.

.

.

Nothing in particular.  Just everything in general.  Tired, still.  Sleepy, if I can sleep, even.  The wound on my leg hurts, sometimes sharply.  And the cats like bumping it.  Even in a bandage, it is still raw.  I slept well.  I had the windows open until it warmed a bit this morning.  Then I shut the windows and turned on one ac.

I think... no, I did go to bed at about a quarter after two.  It just took me a while to settle in for sleep.  It was a good time, though, much earlier than recent bedtimes.  I did drift, a bit, into insomnia, but kept my eye on the target.  Missed by a bit, but didn't lose out completely.

I think I woke around noon?  After, maybe up to an half hour after.  I got to chores immediately, all of them.  Birds, bunnies, and cats... if I still need to hit litter.  I redid litter completely last night, and am impressed with the new cat litter.  It doesn't leave bad, smelly, unclumping, bits in the bottom.  While I abused it, by not tending it rightly, what hadn't clumped was still good, even to smelling fresh.  It's a bit pricier, but that aspect will pay for itself.

No news from my mother.  I am guessing she did go in, or it is planned.  It may just be taking a while.  Though, too, maybe the whole thing is called off and she was discharged.  Though I think I would have heard by now.  Which... actually makes me a bit... worried.  Another prayer, for as it may go.  Death is certainly not the hope, but it is a peace... at least for her.  Still, I think there is a good decade or two in the old girl.  Besides, how can we race to the grave if she has won!  :)  I will make a few calls after this post.

Two hours have passed since I woke.  Not sure how.  Storm clouds were rolling in.  Rain, more rain?  Maybe.  Or not.  But it is keeping it cooler out there.  Last I looked it was 75.  The bunnies are looking good.  Still, have a month or two more of high summer.  While we are getting a cool day, I don't expect those this time of year.  These, two in a row, this early, is almost a miracle.  Well, one is a miracle.  Two?  They are close together, probably from the same system.  So...  Then again, we had one earlier in the month.  Miracle, or the beginning of severe events.  *rumble*  It might gift us more than thunder, or not.  But it is helping the world be slightly cooler.

....Mom called.  They aren't going to do it.  She has to get the okay from a cardiologist before they will proceed.  So, going home.  I suggested, while getting the polyp, to also have them get the stick out, too.  She asked what stick, before it hit her.  At least she chuckled.  A little mirth goes a long way.

Well... today?  If it rains, I won't mess with the twigs, assuming I can get to anything.  But I might do something in the house.  I need to begin working, clearing, cleaning.  But I have been so tired.  The heat is messing with me.  Oh, and I seem to have lost track of diabetes.  Always something...  Always, losing track.  Sleep, food, this medicine, that, or all meds... always losing track.  Still, I... keep trying.  I do.  I do my absolute best.  So... maybe... hopefully... to work today.

Later.

A cool day.

.

.

The temp is coming up.  The highest I have seen it is just now, at 74.  Couldn't get to anything, tired.  Need to get sleep arranged back to nights.  Hoping to get out tomorrow, and pick up sticks.  I have something to put the wood in now.  Smaller branches and twigs, really, will go in there.

Though whether I pick sticks up, or branches and get them in their place first, I'm not sure.  Though, perhaps, I will do a bit of each as I am hitting areas rather than specific jobs.  Plus, mixing the jobs means less bending for one, if more weight involved.  So mixing work types could work out better than trying a single sort of work until it is done.

I tried to get in touch, to see if tonight is definitely on or not, and about some other details.  No return yet.  But, yeah.  He works from 07:00 to 19:00 frequently, for now, before getting to this part.  He's not always free to text.  Might not even keep his phone on him?  Some work might well preclude that, so as not to destroy it.

I called my mother, she didn't answer.  I didn't leave a message, because she would know.  She called me back a bit ago.  They actually have her in ICU.  For that pulse.  They are used to it with me, or have other issues, but don't bother when my pulse is that high.  Tomorrow, she hopes.  We will see.

I could have told her my brother had relayed the story, but I wanted to hear her take, and to let her say it.  We can get ignored, sometimes.  I try not to do that.  Plus, maybe he hadn't gotten something exactly right, or she didn't.  Which I would eventually sort out.  Lives aren't just physics of space and time, they are stories.  Subjective due to our faults, but also through our individuality.  I want to be a part of her story, and my brothers.  I can't do much, but I can listen to their lives.

She sounded good.  But she has fear.  Not just about this.  Life, and the future, and death, and pain, weigh on her mind.  I hear it, from time to time.  Just... listening... is what I can do.  Actively, with her.  A short talk, but enough.  I'll pray for her rest, and calm, and that tomorrow will see this finished.  Amen.

Well, on to... something.  I wanted to play a game, but was too tired.  So I sat and... drifted.  It was either just drift, or go on back to sleep.  Gee, I think I should have taken a nap!  Too late now, I think.  Bleh.  Later.

Strange day.

.

.

I went to bed at 04:00, perhaps as much as half past.  I just couldn't sleep.  too warm.  It had gotten to 58 out there, but was staying in the high 70s, even low 80s in this front room.  And the leg.  It was hurting, from the scrape and bruising it took.  I was... a bit afraid.  I finally though to bandage it, but... I was afraid of that too.  So... I didn't sleep.

I finally went and found a bandage.  I didn't clean it.  I just... covered.  Actually just that really helped.  As long as I don't get an infection, it will work, mostly.  Though, I realized, it isn't just the pie scrape, but cut along the leg, say four to six inches of a gouge on down to another little be larger skin loss patch, about an inch or two in diameter?  Something.  Weird way that did...

I got a call, from my brother, letting me know my mother has had her surgery delayed.  She couldn't sleep last night, and her pulse is to 140.  They are going to do a few things for her, to clear that, then try tomorrow?  Maybe later today.  My guess is they don't have a lot of people coming in, lately.  I woke up, before the call, and prayed for her... about when her surgery should have been.  No, no alarms, just a... strange sense.  Then went on back to sleep.  My brother called a few hours later.

I woke to a strange day.  The clouds from yesterday... not the same ones of course, but the same system?  Anyway, they remained.  Heavier, and more complete.  It is 62 out there?  And it has rained?  Very peculiar weather.  Sure could use the cool though.  Quite pleased with that.  Ha!  But, I think we got more rain that I could possibly have watered last night, so it's all good on that end.

Woke with a migraine.  Should have gone to bed earlier.  Go vapor-locked into insomnia, and with the fear of the leg, and not being able to sort that out, I got stuck like a bird flying in a hurricane.  Afraid to land, afraid to fly, couldn't see where to go.  So... I flew, until I couldn't, more or less.

I will probably take tylenol, if I can remember.  Then, hopefully, do some stick pickup out there.  And open up the house to let some of that cool in.  I had closed everything down, since I wasn't sure I'd be able to wake in time to shut the house up this morning, and I was right.  But, 62?  Raining?  And June 24th?  Whatever.  I'll take it.

Man, it's spooky out there.

.

.

I got out.  Needed to make a run.  Couldn't water tonight, anyway.  The roads were nearly empty.  But, of the cars that were out?  Half seemed drunk, or... something.  Driving 50 in a 60~65 zone.  But, not just on the highway.  There were several in town coasting about ten miles below the speed limit.  Two had their brights on and couldn't be convinced to turn them off.

Weaving drivers, even one which was going very slow.  At least half of the drivers out there were... something is wrong.  I got angry, the first time or two.  Then I realized I had no time for emotion.  I needed to watch myself, and traffic, very closely.  I had a few come pretty far into my lane.  It was a very strange night.

Drinking?  They... usually are right on that.  Heck, it seems the local cops know what you drank, how much, and when better than most of those who drink.  They have run every drunk driver to ground, dried up the pool.  Drugs?  There may be summer college?  But there wouldn't be many.  And they are generally more dedicated if they have that.  Ah, the coof not-vaxxes?  Yea, that may well be it.

Wow.  That was really eye opening.  I am going to be very attentive... more than usual by far... whenever I go out from now on.  That was as spooky an experience as I have had since I used to read or watch horror, when far younger, late into the night, alone.

Oh, earlier, while showing how solid the wood was, and being shown that it can be worked, I part of a log dropped and  took all the skin off a four inch by two inch pizza wedge slice of my lower leg.  It weighs so much, that wood.  And even the bark is hard as nails.  I am sure, now, that the branch was yanked down... it didn't fall.  Nothing punky in there at all.  But I also know, at least the size broken apart today, can be worked.  But with great effort.  The lad thought he'd just show me.  Spent an half hour, even in good health and youth, being taken by a middling log.  It may just have been the wood they were after.  That will burn forever.

But that... didn't just skin the part, it bruised it deeply.  Hurts like the dickens.

I'll try to get to bed soon.  I have the windows open, a few fans going.  But it is only 65 or so out there still.  And the smells.  My trash out there, but also animal.  When it gets this hot, for this long, smells are... special.  Worse, by far, in the city.  Even smaller ones like Logan.  But not exactly pretty out here.

Finally.

.

.

I did get through to the mortgage company.  As suspected, the monkey who took my call not only didn't stop the payment, he didn't record that I had called.  They weren't happy that I noted the problem.  I wasn't happy with the problem.  Even if I had checked on time, it would have been too late to cancel the payment at that point.

It is supposed to be returning, with some other money, in this next week.  Though... who knows.  Doesn't everyone say that, to whoever they owe?  One can hope.  I may check today.  It would be good to get that into my account, to cover any problems, pay any bills, and sort things out.

I didn't even mention that I have been calling them for quite some time.  If I suspect they know that part.  Their minority hires were unhappy with what I write, and had blocked access for some time.  Oddly, I must of threaded the needle this time.  I got an English speaker, in any case, this time.  Bleh.

Later.

Even overcast.

.

.

Despite it pretty much being lightly, but fully, overcast, it is still 90 out there.  As mentioned before, if the clouds break, it could climb much higher, quickly.  I got to the rabbits.  They are looking good.  Feed, water, some minor attention, and always a bit of talking.  Even though I felt like my knees were going to buckle.

Was it the heat?  Am I tired from slightly overdoing and not getting enough sleep, or food?  I don't know.  I just know a minor breeze might have knocked me down, or so it seemed.  No worries, I'd just get up and get going again, when I could.  I don't get to die.  At least, one way or another, dream or real, I have lived... a beautiful life.  If beauty isn't always what some think it is.  I have seen and done, gone to limits and then some, known, tested, and discovered enough to know to realize I know nothing.  And suspect the smartest people out there have finally realized just the same.  

Every true discovery, at this point, simply testifies to our ignorance, not our knowledge.  Only small people cling to the notion that we know, or even probably can know.  We either choose the moral, the true, the beautiful, and life, or... we deny that for some digital code that would magically make us all the same.  Seek truth and be humbled by it so as to worship it and the rest of it, ignorantly.  Or... seek to own something, as an ant could own a human, and be crushed by it sooner or later.  Amen.

No worries.  I wrestled, as any giant ant would, with this... thing... the aspect of which I sought as truth.  With, and at, and often, to this day.  A laughter which at once caused great troubles, but which now offers great mirth.  As any son, when his father laughs for the child's great efforts or attempts to emulate.  Wearing shoes I can't even, yet, see clearly.  As with Christ's sandals.  Somehow, though, also expected to don such items and be a man.  I pray you get there.

Not much else, but I plan on watering the side yard tonight.  And, then, hopefully, getting to bed earlier.  As soon as it is mostly dark enough... and likely to stay that way, I'll get that to start.  I think I only have one area to hit.  Though, then, I will set up the sprinkler up front, for it's next hit.  If I will be hitting the areas more frequently, I will be hitting them for shorter, much shorter, periods.  About fifteen minutes a section, three times a week.  If I can keep up.

Tomorrow I am hoping to gather midsized log lengths and get them back to an area where they will be stacked.  And begin going through what is already back there, stacking that on cinder blocks.  I am hoping I can get to it early, while still cool.  A few hours out there is all I expect.  But, maybe, several such efforts every other day?

Pinned, but planning, trying, figuring things out.  I may be stuck, for the rest of my life.  But even that won't keep me from planning my escape.  Later.

Up around noon.

.

.

I had to wake earlier.  It was getting hot up there.  Windows and fans, last night.  Too tired, and not really needing to, start the ac or ac's.  I think it got down to 75, which is as cool as ac can do anyway.  I tried to wake at 07:00 and after, but couldn't get going until after 08:00.  Had to set the alarm, and hope it would work.  I was exhausted still.

It took a couple of snooze buttons past to get me out, and up, but it did eventually work.  Everything was shut up and I was back to bed as quickly as possible.  I did notice it was overcast.  I did put feed out for the ducks, but didn't water or do rabbits.  It was already up to 65, in spite of being overcast.  Bah!  Then I went back to bed so fast and hard I don't remember much until a bit ago.

Even then, I really didn't want to get up.  I feel like that time I fell down the steps recently, for no good reason.  My chest hurts, but broadly... muscle and bone, as if it has taken a bit of a beating.  My feet hurt as if they had been swollen too.  Swelling is mostly not a thing anymore, mostly.  I still have days, moments.  But between less fluid intake, probably less salt, and all else, it's doing better.  Oh, and wearing shoes most of the day helps.  Just slip-ons, for now.  If always with socks.  But, yes, it helps.

By the by...  I had heard that size fifteen feet are exactly a foot long, as in twelve inches.  So... I measured my feet.  Okay, that might be why my feet have hurt.  Then again, finding the right sized shoes has always been difficult.  As I told my friend, finding twelves was very hard, thirteens were worse, and they simply didn't make bigger shoes.  So, yes, wearing 12s and 13s for fifty years because finding bigger was beyond my means or not available?  That will hurt the feet.  Oh, I probably already wrote about this.  Still, I... do have a size 15 foot.  I do, however, have very small hands for my size.  So it goes.

Tylenol.  Because it really does hurt.  Perhaps too much fizzy water?  I may try to figure out how to mix that up a bit.  Bottle some regular water.  If that might not be it at all.

The V.A. doesn't seem to be calling back.  I haven't been able to get through to mortgage.  It's like everybody just stopped dealing with people.  I'll begin again, today.  As well, I am doing prayers for my mother and her upcoming surgery.  It is what I can do.  And, if I hear things about you, I target you too, though you get hit in the family, friends, and enemies list in any case.  I don't bother asking for relief, anymore.  Much as why I don't seek help for every problem with medical, either.  They can't seem to even help control my health, assuming I am able to follow their orders.  Not that I quit, all of it, but... I have certainly backed down and out.  It's more of a mess, with overlapping problems.  I'd like them to calm the f' down, and let me... relax.  It might be death, but shoving everything to get a few points, or a bit more or less of this and that, as I am zeroing, is... well... rude.  Just let it be, to a degree.  You have failed for decades, don't pretend to care now.  My eyes are going tunnel vision, often these days, though that might just be the heat.  Still, it's... got me wondering.  Relax.  Have a smoke or whatever gets you through.  Chill.

I'll set the alarm for two hours, then hopefully be in shape to get the rabbits.  It is 80 out there, at noon.  At least there is that.  But it can get hot in a second, as soon as the clouds evaporate or move off.  Odd for it to be overcast, but I'll take it.  Doesn't look like we will get rain, more it doesn't feel it.  But, you never know.  Good afternoon and day.

---------

Well, they called back finally, the VA.  They will still have to decide what to do, but at least I know they know what I know, roughly.  It's just running slightly high, bp.  But it is, usually, out of the very high to extremely high runs.  Mostly.  Then again, if you walked into a hospital, with even my current bp, and hadn't had high bp before?  They'd send you to the ER.  Doing what I can.  Haven't missed very many medicine doses for almost three months now.  Two whole days, if those were from exhaustion, and simply out of my control.  The rest were just late, but taken.

Not quite 02:00.

.

.

Two areas watered pretty much covers the back yard.  I have the side yard, a part of it, but not tonight.  I am tired, doubled.  I merely need to turn the water off and go on to bed.  Earlier than yesterday by at least two hours.  I'll take that to the bank any day.

The house hasn't cooled off all that much.  But, between being so tired, and acclimatizing to it, perhaps, I am ready to sleep and should sleep well.  No ac, I just don't want to fiddle with all that.  Too tired.  I hope I don't get heatsick for it, but... I... am too tired.

Chastity is back in full effect.  I have wanted to do other, but I speak to two who I abide well.  Sometimes I am... a bit cross about it.  But, I... as a child... try to argue for my way.  I say, but prayer doesn't work.  And, I'll be honest, it doesn't always.  But, then, I have relented, and at least offered prayer a chance.  And it has been working.  How long?  There is, in some things, only now.  And, to point, prayer, now, has been successful.

Good night.

Done by midnight.

.

.

Now to get the last of the lawn watering done?  Most of it.  I have the sprinkler going, will need to move it at least once, probably twice.  It is 60 out there, just now.

I am tired.  But pushed it the last two days, if sleeping earlier just didn't work out, either of the last two days.  Not from lack of trying.  Even so, I am less heatsick that I have been.  Not mostly just very tired, exhausted really.  Sleepy now, finally.  Tomorrow I don't go with.  So, if there is anywhere else I could water, probably the side yard, I may do so then, but earlier, with the ac going so that I can sleep early.

I may not even turn to the ac on tonight.  Not that it is all that much cooler, but I may be getting used to it, a bit.  From time to time it will still break me down.  And I will have to use the ac.  But, when I can go without I will.

I do need something to eat.  Sardines?  Popcorn?  It has to be easy.  Maybe some fruit packs in with the kefir?  That would be the easiest, but... not the most filling.  Then again, sardines aren't exactly filling.  Neither is popcorn, mostly.  I'll be up until around 03:00, to get the watering done... 02:00... somewhere in there.

Not sure I'll be up to posting again though.  Later or good night.

Well, it's... been a day.

.

.

Another check on the critters.  All doing well.  It looks like the muscovys are cooking up a huge batch of eggs, collectively.  And taking turns sitting them.  All good.  The three elder ducklings are really looking to be doing well.  Even the minis are becoming a little more... human.  Twice, or three times, their original size.

The rabbits do look a little worn, from the heat.  Not a lot I can do about it.  I can't remember how hot it got, but it is down to 87 just now.  I tried something that seemed to work before, long jonhs under my shorts.  It really seemed to work, so...  And?  I think it does.  It might depend on materials, these are synthetics.  A nice army green.  I have some grey, black, army type brown, and a few others, I think.  Probably not the black, but the others will do just fine.  Not the heavy duty ones, just the mid to light duty ones.  Hmm, I have some wool and silk blend.  I bet those would work.  Mid weight, dual layers of light really, and probably more breathable.  

It give something to catch sweat, and slow the evaporation process, I think.  Out here, in the highland desert, sweat often isn't even noticed.  It's often gone before you even know you did it.  Which means it doesn't have a chance to cool.  In Iowa, I could never get dry.  More moisture in the air, too much.  Wouldn't take the sweat.  It just sat and stank.

My mother called.  Her surgery is Thursday.  I will be keeping her in my prayers, several times a day.  Then a prayer while she is going in to surgery.  Then for several days after.  Currently, I can't do much more.  I honestly wish I had the cash to go be there, even just to surprise, see, and then head home in a few days.  I've got, or had, $37 in the account, and a bit of cash if that is for bills I'm not sure will cover.

Another night helping my neighbor stay awake during his night job, spraying mosquitoes.  I can't drive, for him, or for the job.  I really can't.  Just being a passenger crashes me out pretty roughly.  But, I have found out, that the way it works... it is cooler to go for a drive while the house cools, than sit around waiting for it to cool.  Yeah, so... even if I weren't doing a friend a favor, I'd be doing myself one.  Though... I could probably be sleeping... if I could sleep.  Bleh.

I would do more, if I could.  Just being available for a few hours a night isn't even always possible.  I lose it for a week or two, every once in a while.  And, it's just for a few hours a few days a week.  At least it makes me feel like I am doing something... anything.  And, I think it does help.  He is just getting the spray truck, after having worked from around 07:00 this morning.  Just hitting 19:37 now.  Crazy, but, okay.

Later.

A small bit.

.

.

I didn't check to see the temp, but go out and gave the rabbits in the outbuilding more water.  Had to refill waterers, which was fine.  Then I fed the girls... cats.  Sam wanted to be fed outside.  I got her water as well.  I'll get her kibbles in a bit.  She doesn't eat all that much, but eats often, if she has her druthers.  Sassy prefers less frequency, greater amounts.  I do what I can.

I had to get cat food from the stores.  Found a mouse in the pail trap.  It was almost, but not, dead.  I didn't replace water down there.  Anyway, it was brought up, put in the large bin, gotten fresh water, though it will have to just live with the old food.  For now.  I don't get really all that familiar with them.  I have found them to be mean little things.  As well, Sam or Sassy, in time, will eventually sneak in for a bite.  Especially now that they know I don't mind.

It is 84 near the machine.  I am going to go play games, if I can.  If not, I may end up napping.  I pushed, yesterday, and will probably push again tonight.  I did check the other rabbits, on my way through, just... to make sure.  I do my best.  I just can't get to much else.  Later.

An afternoon rise.

.

.

I wasn't able to be to bed until between 04:00 and 05:00.  The minutes?  I just... can't recall.  Terribly exhausted, but I finished the front, and part of the side lawn, watering.  Tonight I have the rest of the side, and back, lawn to water.  But that won't take as long, perhaps three runs?  Meh, I'll still be up rather late.

I woke right at 13:00.  It was 75 upstairs, 73 and 76 in the main rooms downstairs, and 93 outside.  About as good as it gets, currently.  Ducks and rabbits tended.  One rabbit, in the outbuilding, is slightly low on water.  I didn't think any of them would be, so I didn't have water with.  I'll get her fresh water soon.  Probably adding a new waterer to all of their cages.  Not out, just... low.

Ducks are doing well enough.  Chicks are growing fast.  All of the usual drama.  I may just let the indian runners fade.  I would like to keep a them, just not sure it is possible.  Not without extreme intervention which won't make sense.  Or penning them up, elsewhere, and keeping the two groups separate, which makes feeding and watering too complicated, on top of else, for me alone within my capacities and funds.  The hen is no longer sitting her eggs.  So that is done.

I keep trying to get through to the VA.  The live line, to my doctor, isn't being answered.  And messages don't seem to get through?  Or they are extremely busy, or gone.  I... have no idea.  Perhaps people have stopped visiting so they are shutting down, in whole or part, certain parts of the hospital?  Oh, and if they are still requiring masks, I need to change my appointment to a phone appointment.  No need to visit for hours of masked sitting.  Won't do it.

Later.

Smiles.

.

.

At least I can dream.

I almost wish.

.

.

I almost wish I was...

Watering.

.

.

I had hoped to be able to go to bed earlier.  Realized if I don't water my lawn, before long I won't have one.  I've fallen behind on things, that is one of them.  Not sure it will make any kind of comeback, will just have to wait and see.  But, tonight, each quad of the front yard, and a portion of the western side yard, will get hit.  Just a bit.  Overwatering it won't help,

it is 58 out there, last I checked, probably ten minutes ago.  It is 77 upstairs and in this front room, except near the computer where it is still 80.  And 75 in the middle room.  Though, that was before I did a few things.  Ac's on upstairs, room separator opened between this and the middle room, plus a fan switched in direction.

Doing better, if still a bit heatsick.  I won't fix that until I can keep it cool enough to get enough sleep, then sleep long enough while it is cool, plus maybe have some morning time cool time to be awake?  Yes.  Probably.  But... not tonight.  Maybe not tomorrow.  As I really need to water the back and other half of the side lawn.

If I don't zone, and I will make great effort not to get lost in insomnia, I will be able to get to bed in a few hours.  Things should be cooler, then, too.  I will set the alarm for, say, ten and noon?  I could try for earlier, but pushing my sleep doesn't work well, after pushing being awake all day, which I have succeeded at, willingly or not.

Cats got a late night meal.  I need to hit their litter, badly.  I... am falling behind on everything.  Heatlocked, I'd call it.  It gets into my mind, to tend something, then my body simply fails.  I finally find a fresh breath, but forget what I had to do.  It's a difficult thing, sorting the world out.  The heat and cold add to the difficulty.  That is all there is here, or most places I guess?  Iowa was worse, but I did worse there.

Anyway... one thing at a time.  Do what I can, when I can.  And, tonight, since I can, it is the lawn.  The goal is three times a week, fifteen minutes an area.  Parts of my skin burn, wounds really aren't healing.  Not doing well.  I am handling the heat a bit better, but not very well.  Though I am not sure if anybody would.  It is just too hot.  Dry or not, just too hot.  Later, or good night.

I love stories, dreams, and the like.

.

.

A few odd ones have shown up, unbidden.  I... do enjoy.  If you like them, based on the real, or supposedly unreal, perhaps these will give you a few moments of leisure.  Are there morals to stories?  Perhaps.  Though, just as often, perhaps not.  If they all try to say something, it is often missed here.

Then again, few stories are presented in their totality in moments.  And few have time, or interest, in longer exposures... especially if things go where one doesn't wish to go.  Still, here, a few, short and spare enough so that I enjoy.  So I share, as an afternoon gift.

Too hot, if only 83 here by the machine.  May try to game a bit.  It should be cooler out there.  Some perrier, or the other kind?  Or another shot of kefir?  I really do love that stuff.  Not sure I can game.  It's just too hot, probably even in there.  I can try.

Enjoy, or not.  Later.

Phone died.

.

.

So... in to deal with payments.  Not sure what all went wrong, but it went very badly wrong.  My phone bill is supposed to be paid on the second.  Until I paid utilities, I had ~$250 in the account?  Which was the 16th? or such?  I may have to kill my debit card.  It looks like money is being just yanked out, somehow.  Being robbed blind, and doubled up on.

It's just the way it will have to go.  Can't trust digital transactions.  Can't keep up on the account, am being lied to and stolen from on every front.  Probably, at this point, government approved.  Definitely corporate.  Evil.  No other way to see it.  And it isn't just this or that group.  It is, essentially, America's version of China's social credit issues.

Still, the phone is working.  I had been trying to call the VA about medicine, and bp.  Was expecting a call from them.  Then realized the phone was dead.  It was already afternoon.  Well into it.  I have to check electricity and... water/sewer/etc... And count my coin.  Maybe I can get things paid, maybe not.  It'll be close.

It is 86 out there, here.  In town it was probably hotter.  Something about where it is located makes Logan a fiery mess in the summer.  Actually, I think it is colder in the winter, to double down.  Liberals seem to love misery.  It is 80 in this room (82 near the machine, until it heats back up), and 76 in the front room.  Don't know about upstairs, but it was 79 last I checked, as I was leaving.

Oh, I also grabbed a couple of bags of rabbit feed.  No choice.  If I am out of duck feed, I don't think I am, I'll probably have to pick up more of that.  Maybe.  I might be able to just make it?  I think I have two bags, somewhere.  They haven't been taking that food, lately.  They steal whenever they are low, or don't like something I write?  Even my cat food and litter hasn't been disappearing.  If I have been more exacting about locking up.  But can't be perfect, need air.

Later.

Done.

.

.

It is, was, 78 out there at... a while ago.  When I started chores, or when I finished?  Whatever.  Odd how food, water, or both can either be consumed swiftly, or not seemingly at all.  I keep checking the waterers, to make sure they flow.  Just in case.  All is good.  Even so, one day they drink next to nothing, eat nothing, then they will take it all in a day.  I don't begrudge, I just don't fully understand.  If needed, watering will happen three times a day.  Food I would cut them to a portion, but no real need.

I may have found out why the indian runner isn't hatching out.  And, I may find a solution.  I think the other ducks are eating her eggs.  So... so, I may have to figure out fencing around her little area.  Putting food and water in there for her, making it big enough that she can walk around just a bit, but closing it off... or at least making it too small for the bigger drakes to get in, or for more than one of even the smaller ducks to get in at a time.  This would allow her to be defensive.

I like the idea, but to do it without chasing her off the nest?  Well, and to get to it.  In this heat, and any time really, doing this is very difficult.  Just being awake is a trick, at this time.  It is already up to 78 inside, if more in this front room near the machine.  Not doing well.

Still, I am planning, hoping, for some work today.  Moving a few of the larger limbs.  And, today or tomorrow, beginning to pull the cut down smaller branches, off the pile they are in, setting up cinder blocks, and restacking those, and others.  Perhaps putting a few t-posts in, on either side, to allow a higher, more stable, stack.

In order to do the latter, I will have to pull t-posts.  Which... might give me some of the material for a protected duck nesting area.  And it has chicken fencing on it, so that would work for filler, along with the t-posts... if I can just... sleep, cool, and relax enough to get into shape to work.  Then be up early enough to do it before it gets too hot.  Bleh... plans, goals, will see.

Later.