Ok, alright, I am leaving. A few odds and ends, after this, and out the door I go. I will not be dropping in and writing things most do not understand, or find objectionable, or consider just weird, for several weeks. I might attempt a blog or two, though, no guarantees. My Mother will receive the full dose of my madness and mayhem, in the interim. And, no, she agrees and understands about as well as most. Or, to put it so that most may understand it, when I speak about anything other than the mundane, her eyes lose focus and cross slightly, her jaw goes a little slack, and she just sort of looks in my general direction. The poor woman, she has suffered greatly so that I might live (and did not “put me down” when I was small enough to safely do so! *laughs*). She is slowing down, and life is changing for her, so I really attempt to keep my tongue tied. If she happens to fall into the trap and asks, well, a question, I try to shorten my responses, keeping them simple, and staying away from the wells from which I am able to pull infinitely and which are infinitely deep (and sometimes quite dark).
Oh, have no fear. My mother is not simple, and has not become so. She is, however, normal. The social world she lives in, the customs she knows, and the realities she understands just do not encompass what I am, nor has it ever. It is I though and this time, who must come to her way of thinking. She did this when I was a child, we split the difference for the last twenty years, now it is my turn. I only hope I do so as patiently as she has, as well, and with some humility and grace. It is with some small fear that I begin this stage of life, understanding more each day that things change, people age, and then someday they go away. But this is the season for hope for more than what is fallible, for joy, and for sharing. Storing up for those days when I am to be alone. And so, I will feast on this shared time in it’s good and bad, fun and slow, simple and complex, just as I feast on food, and more so, much more so.
Merry Christmas! I hope you all find the time to reflect as well as the time to share. I hope family, friends, and memories are rich and meaningful to you this year. May you feast as you may, nibble where you can, and relax in comfort. The celebration of Christ’s birth is all the hope men will ever have, or need. I hope that you may know the joy of this special Son. In him, may you know peace, love, hope, and faith and gain the strength to share these. God’s blessings. And again, Merry Christmas (and a Happy New Year)!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Ok, fun time.
I stole this from Code Monkey Ramblings. I even remembered to give credit this time. I’ve been a baaaad boy before, in not doing so. If a lawsuit is in order, you may speak to Hellen, urhm, Ms. Wait. Yes indeed, if you wish to sue, get in line, then go directly to Hellen Wait.
Actually, I did not know how this test would work. I was not sure what I was in school, and I was curious what a simple test might indicate. And though this is rather lame, in a way, at least the test questions, I think the results are within reason. Put better, I think that is probably how I was viewed by the other kids in school. Although, add that I put kids my age and up to 3 years older down in a fight like a pro when given no choice, and you get the rest of it. At this point, it does not matter, but…
This was my religion for a bit. I took a vacation from Christianity, and within a specific sect of this, I found a temporary home. Though I believe it, now, to be a fine general philosophy, I cannot see it as a fulfilling religion. As well, I think the philosophical aspect of this religion, for me, is best as a physical application rather than a spiritual or religious affiliation. And, I do respect those who are proper adherents, should they be unable or unwilling to attain my faith.
Ok, I am indeed goofing. I best try and make a few phone calls. *poof*
| You'll die Mysteriously... | ||||
| You are a different sort of person and your death will be unexplainable. | ||||
| ||||
| 'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com |
Actually, I did not know how this test would work. I was not sure what I was in school, and I was curious what a simple test might indicate. And though this is rather lame, in a way, at least the test questions, I think the results are within reason. Put better, I think that is probably how I was viewed by the other kids in school. Although, add that I put kids my age and up to 3 years older down in a fight like a pro when given no choice, and you get the rest of it. At this point, it does not matter, but…
You fit in with: 'Intellectual' You fit into the highschool intellectual stereotype. You're not really all that popular, but you're not a loner either. You fit somewhere in the middle socially, though you much prefer to do things your own way. You certainly aren't just one of the crowd. | ||||
| ||||
'What highschool stereotype do you fit in with?' at QuizGalaxy.com |
This was my religion for a bit. I took a vacation from Christianity, and within a specific sect of this, I found a temporary home. Though I believe it, now, to be a fine general philosophy, I cannot see it as a fulfilling religion. As well, I think the philosophical aspect of this religion, for me, is best as a physical application rather than a spiritual or religious affiliation. And, I do respect those who are proper adherents, should they be unable or unwilling to attain my faith.
You fit in with: Taoism 80% spiritual. 0% reason-oriented. | |
 | Your ideals mostly resemble those of the Taoist faith. Spirituality is the most important thing in your life. You strive to live by all of your ideals, and live a very intellectually focused life. |
Take This Quiz at QuizGalaxy.com | |
Ok, I am indeed goofing. I best try and make a few phone calls. *poof*
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The little machine and a helpful side link.
I keep thinking about computers. I have the time, and little else is clambering for my time, no one is knocking on my door, and it being a weekend, there just is not much else to do. So, I started looking for a couple of things. The first item was actually a search for more links. I will be changing some links, adding a few, dropping a few, with the possible addition of some non-blog links. In looking over the links I have, I noted that though liberals and libertarians were represented, my political affiliation was not properly represented. So, I mean to fix that.
While doing a search of conservative blogs, I ran into a particular blog which detailed information pertaining to a laptop, notebook really, I am eyeing. It looks like an offering for an upgraded OS, something which might not be a bad idea. As a beginner in Linux, I need all the help I can get. As well, I decided to add a link so people could look at this machine. I do not think it could ever be called the perfect machine, yet for an inexpensive portable, easy to use out of the box, yet with OS upgradeability, it would be difficult to beat. Plus, an introduction to Linux, which would allow the use of cheaper computers and open up a better understanding of operating systems, programming, and software in general yet have that complication be optional, I just do not think there is a better deal. There are several outlets for the machine, my favored is this one and here is the link to the OS upgrade. It was the information on the blog page which rallied me to blog.
Though, I think this would be better for children, techies (budding or otherwise), and college students getting into software, engineering, math, and a few other fields, I would not object to getting this type of unit for my mother, if she was a die-hard netizen and started traveling a great deal. But for power users, gamers, video junkies, and others, this just would not do as a primary machine. As well, I am unsure about the size. As soon as I find out, I will let you know. I should note though, even with big hands, my fingers are more nimble then their size might indicate. For beginners with big hands, this might not be a good test. Apple might still have the foolish cool thing, but cheap speaks sales. This might be the newest cool tool.
Oh, just to check in on her, I called my Mum. She has enjoyed being with the grandchildren. My niece’s performance in the Nutcracker Suite (correct suite?) was wonderful. I will probably “get” to see a bunch of pictures. Yeah, ok, though my brother and myself are not on speaking terms, I suppose I do harbor a little pride in his little ones. My Mother is set to return Tuesday, so I thought I would be there to have the house lit up for her. She has asked that I postpone until Wednesday so she may rest up and prepare the house, do a few of her things, and feel more prepared for my visit. It is an unusual request, but it works out well. It gives me a little more time to set my place before I go and to attempt to finish some last minute business.
While doing a search of conservative blogs, I ran into a particular blog which detailed information pertaining to a laptop, notebook really, I am eyeing. It looks like an offering for an upgraded OS, something which might not be a bad idea. As a beginner in Linux, I need all the help I can get. As well, I decided to add a link so people could look at this machine. I do not think it could ever be called the perfect machine, yet for an inexpensive portable, easy to use out of the box, yet with OS upgradeability, it would be difficult to beat. Plus, an introduction to Linux, which would allow the use of cheaper computers and open up a better understanding of operating systems, programming, and software in general yet have that complication be optional, I just do not think there is a better deal. There are several outlets for the machine, my favored is this one and here is the link to the OS upgrade. It was the information on the blog page which rallied me to blog.
Though, I think this would be better for children, techies (budding or otherwise), and college students getting into software, engineering, math, and a few other fields, I would not object to getting this type of unit for my mother, if she was a die-hard netizen and started traveling a great deal. But for power users, gamers, video junkies, and others, this just would not do as a primary machine. As well, I am unsure about the size. As soon as I find out, I will let you know. I should note though, even with big hands, my fingers are more nimble then their size might indicate. For beginners with big hands, this might not be a good test. Apple might still have the foolish cool thing, but cheap speaks sales. This might be the newest cool tool.
Oh, just to check in on her, I called my Mum. She has enjoyed being with the grandchildren. My niece’s performance in the Nutcracker Suite (correct suite?) was wonderful. I will probably “get” to see a bunch of pictures. Yeah, ok, though my brother and myself are not on speaking terms, I suppose I do harbor a little pride in his little ones. My Mother is set to return Tuesday, so I thought I would be there to have the house lit up for her. She has asked that I postpone until Wednesday so she may rest up and prepare the house, do a few of her things, and feel more prepared for my visit. It is an unusual request, but it works out well. It gives me a little more time to set my place before I go and to attempt to finish some last minute business.
Dream a little dream, ramha damha ding dong. Yea, ok.
Hmmm, what has it been… let me think. It has been for eve r since I wrote something negative. Though I have snipped, growled, and bit lightly a few times. Hey, muzzles only stop the teeth, not the intent or behavior, thus the muzzle. Doh! Anyway, I actually plan to keep this up. My writing has been boring and more of a personal journal. I think I would like to change that a bit. I am pretty sure I will continue to write my journal, yet I would like to add positive stories, interesting news, and offer educational links. This is a new concept, and I am not sure how involved it will be, so no promises regarding content or time.
I have heard nothing from my professor, though I did call later in the afternoon, on a Friday, and on the last day of finals. So, that was not a surprise. I have also not heard back about my registration. Again, and for the same reason, that is fine. I have not heard back from the lady I discussed. And, in truth, I am not chasing her. I would like to, but I know too little about her to start a form inquest, or whatever it is called. *laughs* We will see though, as I left an invitation for tea or coffee to personally discuss any ideas she might have about gaining an understanding of statistics. Hey, if nothing else, another math heavy friend is never a bad thing. And, if nothing else, I hope she agrees to meet with me for another reason. I am interested in the math she was working with. I actually have an artistic interest, and seeing it performed is much more valuable to me than seeing simple typed or type-set formulas. I also failed to call Vocational Rehabilitation Services, I simply could not find their number. I may have to call one of the college’s out-reach VA reps and get the main number that way.
I will be leaving, probably Monday, to visit my mother. I will be there for the rest of the month. I may or may not be able to blog. I am trying to figure out what to do with Rocky, my crawdad. I am hoping my neighbor might take him in for a bit. I thought about an automatic feeder, but that is problematic. If I had money and the time to investigate, it might be different. I will have to consider that notion for the future, but it is too late to consider now. At least Rocky does not seem to mind my absences. As a fact, I think the water cockroach prefers me gone, as he hides when I am home or at least when he sees me. Then again, being the mammalian Man Beast I am, it might just be shame if Rocky is a man-roach, or just frustrated urges if Rocky is a girl. He eats like a man, so I think of him that way.
Oh, there is a neat computer out. Asus produces it. It uses some variant of Linux (and I have heard it runs well, out of the box). It is cheap, at about $400 or $600, depending on which version you go with. It is said to be Win XP compatible (and comes with the necessary drivers for that). I am thinking of perhaps getting this and using it as my online service, while buying a monster Vista offline machine for games, math programs, office works, and business type applications. This thing, at the bottom rung, costs less than some blue-ray components or upgrades. I am also considering building my own system, again. I am not sure I would save a lot of money, as everything I save would probably be spent back into it. But it would be fun to do again. I would know my system (and what is on it and why), plus I would know I have the best components and the ones that I want. Of course, any machine I have looked at falls into the $3500 range, so I am a bit edgy about the whole thing. Do not even start that, $3500 DOLLARS you were about to say… Yes, and top of the line rigs can run $10,000 and more. Trust me, I looked… hehehe Even a Man Beast has to dream a little dream from time to time… (but cut that music in your head, I do not go that far!!! Ack!)
I have heard nothing from my professor, though I did call later in the afternoon, on a Friday, and on the last day of finals. So, that was not a surprise. I have also not heard back about my registration. Again, and for the same reason, that is fine. I have not heard back from the lady I discussed. And, in truth, I am not chasing her. I would like to, but I know too little about her to start a form inquest, or whatever it is called. *laughs* We will see though, as I left an invitation for tea or coffee to personally discuss any ideas she might have about gaining an understanding of statistics. Hey, if nothing else, another math heavy friend is never a bad thing. And, if nothing else, I hope she agrees to meet with me for another reason. I am interested in the math she was working with. I actually have an artistic interest, and seeing it performed is much more valuable to me than seeing simple typed or type-set formulas. I also failed to call Vocational Rehabilitation Services, I simply could not find their number. I may have to call one of the college’s out-reach VA reps and get the main number that way.
I will be leaving, probably Monday, to visit my mother. I will be there for the rest of the month. I may or may not be able to blog. I am trying to figure out what to do with Rocky, my crawdad. I am hoping my neighbor might take him in for a bit. I thought about an automatic feeder, but that is problematic. If I had money and the time to investigate, it might be different. I will have to consider that notion for the future, but it is too late to consider now. At least Rocky does not seem to mind my absences. As a fact, I think the water cockroach prefers me gone, as he hides when I am home or at least when he sees me. Then again, being the mammalian Man Beast I am, it might just be shame if Rocky is a man-roach, or just frustrated urges if Rocky is a girl. He eats like a man, so I think of him that way.
Oh, there is a neat computer out. Asus produces it. It uses some variant of Linux (and I have heard it runs well, out of the box). It is cheap, at about $400 or $600, depending on which version you go with. It is said to be Win XP compatible (and comes with the necessary drivers for that). I am thinking of perhaps getting this and using it as my online service, while buying a monster Vista offline machine for games, math programs, office works, and business type applications. This thing, at the bottom rung, costs less than some blue-ray components or upgrades. I am also considering building my own system, again. I am not sure I would save a lot of money, as everything I save would probably be spent back into it. But it would be fun to do again. I would know my system (and what is on it and why), plus I would know I have the best components and the ones that I want. Of course, any machine I have looked at falls into the $3500 range, so I am a bit edgy about the whole thing. Do not even start that, $3500 DOLLARS you were about to say… Yes, and top of the line rigs can run $10,000 and more. Trust me, I looked… hehehe Even a Man Beast has to dream a little dream from time to time… (but cut that music in your head, I do not go that far!!! Ack!)
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Face Value.
In my long journey through time, people land, and life, I have seen many faces. Each has been owned by a man, woman, or child with their own foibles, truths, goodness, and more. Each face, save for a few twins I have known, has been unique to my eyes. In the hundreds, perhaps thousands of faces with which I have become intimate, I have always had a question. With each new face I behold, should I then go on to begin to know the owner, the question reasserts itself. That question is whether what comes from this face in the form of words, what they present as non-verbal communication, but further back their intent, is honest. Are they being genial to my face to laugh behind my back? Are they feigning false friendship for some gain, or simply because they do not know what else to do? Or, are they presenting what they are and what they feel? Pretty touchy feely for a monster, I know. Bear with me.
Throughout my walk here, I have explored various means of examining the intent behind the face. In the examination, I realized that the intent of the person had to be analyzed independently. Specifically, the person needed to be vetted as to their stability. If their intent at a moment was true yet their whole notion of things could spin on a dime, their intent was meaningless. Once this was all set, I began to look for methods of discerning intent and stability. There are methods to attain this knowledge. However, many of these methods are destructive to the acquaintanceship. Which left me wondering how to ensure who I was dealing with was leveling with me without pushing them away, or at least, pushing away the wrong ones.
Then it came to me. The friends I have are generally good people, to the best of my knowledge. There are family men, stray graduate or undergraduate bachelors, a unwed lady or two colors and delights my little life, and then there are family members, however close, convoluted in nature of relationship, or distant in relationship who grace my humble time here. As I reviewed things, I decided one of my best tools in deciding who to allow in was to base this decision on who they are, how they live, and what they do. This worked, and seemed good.
Yet, I kept digging. I suppose we all look for the silver bullets in life which will magically hit our stated target every time, even when we are off, having a bad day, or not really trying. There are no silver bullets, here. So I have changed my ways to some degree. I have decided to let the intent alone and accept what I receive from the faces I meet. If they secretly laugh, let them laugh. I hope it brings them joy and is done in a joyous manner, if not, they have a problem I cannot help them with by the nature of the problem. If they secretly hate, this is their sadness and emptiness, not mine. This has freed me from concerns which I cannot affect. It has allowed me to just enjoy a smile, share in a tear, or just enjoy the simply complex nature of those other creatures I call kindred. I think my Father is pleased. I think this is His will. In time, I think it will be the only way.
Throughout my walk here, I have explored various means of examining the intent behind the face. In the examination, I realized that the intent of the person had to be analyzed independently. Specifically, the person needed to be vetted as to their stability. If their intent at a moment was true yet their whole notion of things could spin on a dime, their intent was meaningless. Once this was all set, I began to look for methods of discerning intent and stability. There are methods to attain this knowledge. However, many of these methods are destructive to the acquaintanceship. Which left me wondering how to ensure who I was dealing with was leveling with me without pushing them away, or at least, pushing away the wrong ones.
Then it came to me. The friends I have are generally good people, to the best of my knowledge. There are family men, stray graduate or undergraduate bachelors, a unwed lady or two colors and delights my little life, and then there are family members, however close, convoluted in nature of relationship, or distant in relationship who grace my humble time here. As I reviewed things, I decided one of my best tools in deciding who to allow in was to base this decision on who they are, how they live, and what they do. This worked, and seemed good.
Yet, I kept digging. I suppose we all look for the silver bullets in life which will magically hit our stated target every time, even when we are off, having a bad day, or not really trying. There are no silver bullets, here. So I have changed my ways to some degree. I have decided to let the intent alone and accept what I receive from the faces I meet. If they secretly laugh, let them laugh. I hope it brings them joy and is done in a joyous manner, if not, they have a problem I cannot help them with by the nature of the problem. If they secretly hate, this is their sadness and emptiness, not mine. This has freed me from concerns which I cannot affect. It has allowed me to just enjoy a smile, share in a tear, or just enjoy the simply complex nature of those other creatures I call kindred. I think my Father is pleased. I think this is His will. In time, I think it will be the only way.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Making the grade.
I ended up with a B. I am not exactly sure how well I did on the test itself, though I would like to see it. I just called my professor to see if I could set up a time, near or far, to look at the test. As well, though I did not tell him in my message, I will be thanking him. He did a good deal of work arranging what material he wished to cover (within whatever parameters he was given). I believe he did most, certainly the questionable and difficult, problems he assigned as homework to ensure that they were in line with his class goals and reasonable problems to do. That is not to say he chose an easy path, easy problems, or did our work for us, only that he did his part (in my opinion, and exceptionally well). Since I am finished with mathematics as far as required work and my grade in his class is final, I feel I can express this without the appearance of impropriety.
Ok, I must admit to being slightly disappointed. I had hoped that I did well enough on the final for a bump. I know from speaking with most of the class that I did far better than average. Still, there are easily those who did even better I am sure. I can think of two off the top of my head who easily could have outpaced me. In a class of 20-25, that would leave me in B territory. As well, my quizzes were poor and that was my real weak spot with no potential for grade trade to amend that. I do not know, but I would end up a little happier if I actually scored an A on the final, though I cannot expect that or even honestly hope for it. However, the class is completed, even that line of study is completed. I went against the odds, with only a faith I could recapture my old knowledge while winding up to follow the steep learning curve provided by the new material. As well, I went without extra time and a quiet, private, test and quiz facilitation. But dang it, I thought I was special! *laughs, well, chuckles… ok, grumbles*
Now, to get back into some other things. I have taken the week off and allowed my nerves, mind, and body to rest. I have enjoyed this rest, but it is time to get back into the game. I have registered for two classes this spring. The registrations are tentative because they do not have it recorded that I took engineering calculus I, and engineering calculus III does not seem to count. I am trying to contact the school to get the problematic class registration cleared and I am trying to contact VA Vocational Rehabilitation Services to see if they will help. If not, I will have to drop statics, I simply cannot afford two classes. I am also setting out to begin a review of the material I covered in this class, to look at a new physics theory, to study German again (though I would love to find a source of recorded or recordable German language, of simpler varietals (for example, speeches or talks given by or for German elementary students, structured (minus slang, at least initially) youth conversations, or other similar vocal early language samples). It is the spoken language that I personally find is my greatest weakness (though of course, actually reading written forms in papers (they are quite formal I have heard) and books in the German language is the true weakest, but that will take a great deal of time to actually be able to perform. Oh, and I may check into the material regarding my classes. It should be simple to find material regarding statics and electrical sciences. I might have some of that just lying around. Anyway, I have a plate full of academic activities planned until school starts up.
As well, I will be writing the woman from class a brief email. I am interested in where she thinks a self-study of statistics might best begin. If I do not dig into it immediately, I would like to at least design a beginning course and purchase a few books. Why statistics? It is an essential tool for any research. By having a grasp of this field, an ability to use a computer to evaluate data, and a personal interest shown through the first two items in this list, I would be much more interesting as a potential research assistant, initially, and both the knowledge and the experience as a research assistant would build toward my own work. Or so hope goes. Gee, I am actually becoming excited about this.
Oh, should there be any questions regarding a particular set of notions I have expressed, I should like to say something here. I still believe trouble is brewing, I still believe history is going down a very narrow and dangerous path. I am sure the outcome is in doubt. As well, I still have plans to vacate this area, though not on the moved up date of this August. I should also add, I am actually planning on leaving, but not (and it never was) because of my belief in a dubious future. That was only a side note, unrelated to my hoped move. No, it is merely the dreams of the mountains, fresh air, wind, rain and snow, rivers, and out-door adventure which call me. As well, I am gearing up as I may, making plans, and looking at places to live. I just do not wish to waste the time I have in this area, with a college right here. It is a resource, I enjoy it, and I am becoming more sure about my eventual success. I might find myself in a place to continue my education wherever I end up, since I am planning that, the chances really are not all that bad. *laughs* Have no doubts, neither my dreams nor my plans have been all that changed, actually only being rescheduled back to their initial (and only then, potential) track.
In truth, tomorrow is what it is. I may plan to stay put, move, marry, or fly to the moon. Reality might agree, be completely different, I could die, or something really odd could happen. Heaven knows, I kneel, homina domina day (-o). And, I am good with that too. Yeah, I covered my bum well there, but not by being clever. I merely understand my limitations. Be well.
Ok, I must admit to being slightly disappointed. I had hoped that I did well enough on the final for a bump. I know from speaking with most of the class that I did far better than average. Still, there are easily those who did even better I am sure. I can think of two off the top of my head who easily could have outpaced me. In a class of 20-25, that would leave me in B territory. As well, my quizzes were poor and that was my real weak spot with no potential for grade trade to amend that. I do not know, but I would end up a little happier if I actually scored an A on the final, though I cannot expect that or even honestly hope for it. However, the class is completed, even that line of study is completed. I went against the odds, with only a faith I could recapture my old knowledge while winding up to follow the steep learning curve provided by the new material. As well, I went without extra time and a quiet, private, test and quiz facilitation. But dang it, I thought I was special! *laughs, well, chuckles… ok, grumbles*
Now, to get back into some other things. I have taken the week off and allowed my nerves, mind, and body to rest. I have enjoyed this rest, but it is time to get back into the game. I have registered for two classes this spring. The registrations are tentative because they do not have it recorded that I took engineering calculus I, and engineering calculus III does not seem to count. I am trying to contact the school to get the problematic class registration cleared and I am trying to contact VA Vocational Rehabilitation Services to see if they will help. If not, I will have to drop statics, I simply cannot afford two classes. I am also setting out to begin a review of the material I covered in this class, to look at a new physics theory, to study German again (though I would love to find a source of recorded or recordable German language, of simpler varietals (for example, speeches or talks given by or for German elementary students, structured (minus slang, at least initially) youth conversations, or other similar vocal early language samples). It is the spoken language that I personally find is my greatest weakness (though of course, actually reading written forms in papers (they are quite formal I have heard) and books in the German language is the true weakest, but that will take a great deal of time to actually be able to perform. Oh, and I may check into the material regarding my classes. It should be simple to find material regarding statics and electrical sciences. I might have some of that just lying around. Anyway, I have a plate full of academic activities planned until school starts up.
As well, I will be writing the woman from class a brief email. I am interested in where she thinks a self-study of statistics might best begin. If I do not dig into it immediately, I would like to at least design a beginning course and purchase a few books. Why statistics? It is an essential tool for any research. By having a grasp of this field, an ability to use a computer to evaluate data, and a personal interest shown through the first two items in this list, I would be much more interesting as a potential research assistant, initially, and both the knowledge and the experience as a research assistant would build toward my own work. Or so hope goes. Gee, I am actually becoming excited about this.
Oh, should there be any questions regarding a particular set of notions I have expressed, I should like to say something here. I still believe trouble is brewing, I still believe history is going down a very narrow and dangerous path. I am sure the outcome is in doubt. As well, I still have plans to vacate this area, though not on the moved up date of this August. I should also add, I am actually planning on leaving, but not (and it never was) because of my belief in a dubious future. That was only a side note, unrelated to my hoped move. No, it is merely the dreams of the mountains, fresh air, wind, rain and snow, rivers, and out-door adventure which call me. As well, I am gearing up as I may, making plans, and looking at places to live. I just do not wish to waste the time I have in this area, with a college right here. It is a resource, I enjoy it, and I am becoming more sure about my eventual success. I might find myself in a place to continue my education wherever I end up, since I am planning that, the chances really are not all that bad. *laughs* Have no doubts, neither my dreams nor my plans have been all that changed, actually only being rescheduled back to their initial (and only then, potential) track.
In truth, tomorrow is what it is. I may plan to stay put, move, marry, or fly to the moon. Reality might agree, be completely different, I could die, or something really odd could happen. Heaven knows, I kneel, homina domina day (-o). And, I am good with that too. Yeah, I covered my bum well there, but not by being clever. I merely understand my limitations. Be well.
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Final.
What can I say, it seemed to go smoothly. Though it was not a simple test, by any means, I believe I understood each question well enough to answer it correctly. I probably had my typical “math bad hair day”, missing a minus sign there, or 3 + x^3y –y^cos(z) mismatching, but I think I was strong with theory and practice, just missing in the little math detail. After the test, while waiting for my study partner, a group of us began to congregate and discuss the problems, the ones we were sure about and the ones we were not sure about. All I can say is that, from that too, I have a decent feeling about the test. My friend did not feel he did so well. I was unhappy about that, but I do believe he will pass and will do fine. I am pretty sure, depending on how poorly my simple math was, that I should be keeping my B. Knowing my penchant for math errors though, I doubt if anything in the test would convince the professor to offer me an A. It is better than I had hoped in the beginning. I had to try. And, I am pleased in some ways.
I was not able to try and register for classes today. I decided to study with my friend, and it did help. Just by accident, we were discussing a problem from homework (one of hundreds). He solved it, and I watched (it is one thing I cannot do, step-wise valuation from (x,y) to t, given a graph). If he had not done that, I would not have solved that problem on the test, it was the exact problem from the homework!). We actually did not work on homework problems, sticking to previous tests only for all of our finals study (except for that one problem, and that only incidentally as, while I was turning pages looking for the general form of something, I saw it, pointed it out as a difficult problem, and his mind works in such a way that he just does what he sees in some odd fashion!).
Now, to look forward to next semester. Oh, and take care of life between now and then. I did a little shopping tonight and had hoped to do more, soon. It looks like an ice storm is coming through, so I do not know if I will be able to get out tomorrow to finish grocery shopping and do some minor errands. I am not even nervous about the surgery, I am just looking forward to having straight toes. My left foot hurts a great deal, and often, more so than the right foot. That is part of the reason it goes first. Though, another consideration just happens to be that I will be on my own through this operation. And, I may need to do some driving. Though the grades will probably be posted Friday, I would like to take a look at the monster, which means a drive. As well, when my mother returns from the baby-sitting job I have sent her on as her Christmas gift, I will be driving up that way. I have not seem my Mum in a while, and I am getting a bit cranky about it. She is a one of a kind, and big as I am, I still cannot quite be as much of a big baby without her. Yea, I know, but I have finally come full circle to where I have accepted much which I had foresworn. I suppose that is part of why I became Catholic. Kneel, knave, and know your place… I think I heard that somehow. And, finally, appreciate it in more ways than one.
Hey, I might have discussed a woman in class, one I might have thought of as attractive, interesting, smart… Urhm, well… I realized I no longer had her email address, due to my computer problems. So, trying to figure out how to deal with that situation, I decided to ask her, preferably before class, for an email or phone number exchange. As it worked out, I could only do so as we were seated and right before the test was handed out. She finishes the tests (historically, and did so again) quickly, then leaves. In order to minimize any discomfort, I had written my email address on a piece of paper beforehand. She had her own idea, however, and asked if I wanted her email address instead, which of course I did. So, she wrote it down and gave it to me. Now, this was ostensibly merely to ask her about statistics (which I am interested in and she is heavy in that field). I swore to myself that was all it was about. However, my deep blush when trying to speak English in that little conversation in the presence of the rest of the class and my inability to do so coherently indicates to even my clueless man-self, that, perhaps, there is more. *sigh* Yeah, I know. What are clueless male types supposed to do? Anyway, she seemed pleasant and interested. And, she had one of the biggest smiles going on. I cannot be sure if she was laughing at me for being a fool, the situation, happy that I asked, or some mix thereof. Read the clueless part again. Still, it is done. Now to figure out how well I can get around, how soon, and then when and what to write. Yeah, buddy. And, no matter, I will always have that little memory of my foibles in calculus with a woman as a fun little moment to remember for years, perhaps decades.
As with women, my mother, and God, I am forced to kneel with ineptitude and just graciously accept their gifts, favors, and follies. I finally realize I do not need to understand. More, I will never be able to understand. It is freeing, if still a little vexing.
I was not able to try and register for classes today. I decided to study with my friend, and it did help. Just by accident, we were discussing a problem from homework (one of hundreds). He solved it, and I watched (it is one thing I cannot do, step-wise valuation from (x,y) to t, given a graph). If he had not done that, I would not have solved that problem on the test, it was the exact problem from the homework!). We actually did not work on homework problems, sticking to previous tests only for all of our finals study (except for that one problem, and that only incidentally as, while I was turning pages looking for the general form of something, I saw it, pointed it out as a difficult problem, and his mind works in such a way that he just does what he sees in some odd fashion!).
Now, to look forward to next semester. Oh, and take care of life between now and then. I did a little shopping tonight and had hoped to do more, soon. It looks like an ice storm is coming through, so I do not know if I will be able to get out tomorrow to finish grocery shopping and do some minor errands. I am not even nervous about the surgery, I am just looking forward to having straight toes. My left foot hurts a great deal, and often, more so than the right foot. That is part of the reason it goes first. Though, another consideration just happens to be that I will be on my own through this operation. And, I may need to do some driving. Though the grades will probably be posted Friday, I would like to take a look at the monster, which means a drive. As well, when my mother returns from the baby-sitting job I have sent her on as her Christmas gift, I will be driving up that way. I have not seem my Mum in a while, and I am getting a bit cranky about it. She is a one of a kind, and big as I am, I still cannot quite be as much of a big baby without her. Yea, I know, but I have finally come full circle to where I have accepted much which I had foresworn. I suppose that is part of why I became Catholic. Kneel, knave, and know your place… I think I heard that somehow. And, finally, appreciate it in more ways than one.
Hey, I might have discussed a woman in class, one I might have thought of as attractive, interesting, smart… Urhm, well… I realized I no longer had her email address, due to my computer problems. So, trying to figure out how to deal with that situation, I decided to ask her, preferably before class, for an email or phone number exchange. As it worked out, I could only do so as we were seated and right before the test was handed out. She finishes the tests (historically, and did so again) quickly, then leaves. In order to minimize any discomfort, I had written my email address on a piece of paper beforehand. She had her own idea, however, and asked if I wanted her email address instead, which of course I did. So, she wrote it down and gave it to me. Now, this was ostensibly merely to ask her about statistics (which I am interested in and she is heavy in that field). I swore to myself that was all it was about. However, my deep blush when trying to speak English in that little conversation in the presence of the rest of the class and my inability to do so coherently indicates to even my clueless man-self, that, perhaps, there is more. *sigh* Yeah, I know. What are clueless male types supposed to do? Anyway, she seemed pleasant and interested. And, she had one of the biggest smiles going on. I cannot be sure if she was laughing at me for being a fool, the situation, happy that I asked, or some mix thereof. Read the clueless part again. Still, it is done. Now to figure out how well I can get around, how soon, and then when and what to write. Yeah, buddy. And, no matter, I will always have that little memory of my foibles in calculus with a woman as a fun little moment to remember for years, perhaps decades.
As with women, my mother, and God, I am forced to kneel with ineptitude and just graciously accept their gifts, favors, and follies. I finally realize I do not need to understand. More, I will never be able to understand. It is freeing, if still a little vexing.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Study Night.
Studies went well, though the pace is a bit slow. We did try to figure out the why and how of some operations, and in the end probably understand those things better if we did not quite reach our goal. That slowed things, but was a worthy goal (one we may yet obtain). I plan to begin early tomorrow, continue on Sunday, and even get together with my partner Monday before the test. I would like to do really well, and I do understand much of this material and well, it is simply a matter of it being a good deal of material, complicated via minute detail, and often indecipherable except as formula writ (meaning, I do not have the means of understand how they arrived at the formula itself, or another way to put it, I have no clue what is truly occurring sometimes and even regarding some of the fundamental aspects). It does not worry me that I cannot yet know it. This is the way it actually has to be, I think. The sciences, and the mathematics behind the sciences, have to be taken on faith and in little bites until some potential time when a higher level of understanding is warranted (and earned, presumably this way).
I tried to log in to register for classes. After messing with their system over several days, I finally got logged in. A problem remains. It seems their system indicates I still owe money on this last course. Hmm, it is not so. I just checked and the last automatic withdrawal happened several days ago. I suspect they have a third party collect their bills and the chain of information is slow, or even scheduled weekly on Mondays or Saturdays or some mix of specified days or dates. Now that I have access, I will make an attempt tomorrow and failing that, Monday. If Monday fails, I will give them a call. No big thing, just something to work on. After speaking with my study partner, I am certain of the engineering course I will need in order to be his study partner again, and I can take the physics course where and when it is offered conveniently for me (hopefully here in town, in the afternoons, so I can take the bus and rise a bit later). It is coming together. Why rush, I have the rest of my life. Oh, I know, but worrying about it does not help a thing.
You know, I was thinking about what to try and get done before my surgery this coming Wednesday (it is a small thing, in office, out right away though temporarily disabling). I have to get some grocery shopping completed, after the test I would like to do a bit more house cleaning, and I think I should prep the apartment for easier navigation. A few pieces of furniture could be moved to accommodate limping around and having a leg potentially off at an odd angle. But too, I would like to line up some things to take up my time while down and facilitate some of the studies I am planning. I think I might dig a bit more deeply into Matlab for some of this, a computer math program, a powerful one. It seems engineering schools tend to favor it, and it uses programming this is or is quite similar to C and/or C++, also favored in engineering circles (the ones I am familiar with). I will not say I will get that all done, but it is a goal.
I best get to bed. An early rise might not be so bad and it is very late. I have been playing with computer configuration tools trying to find a system I can live with (and afford). Though, I must admit, I tinkered with dream systems (Blackbird, upgraded to the hilt, wow!). Warm and fuzzies or a kick in the pants, take what you need, I am open policy that way. Ciao.
I tried to log in to register for classes. After messing with their system over several days, I finally got logged in. A problem remains. It seems their system indicates I still owe money on this last course. Hmm, it is not so. I just checked and the last automatic withdrawal happened several days ago. I suspect they have a third party collect their bills and the chain of information is slow, or even scheduled weekly on Mondays or Saturdays or some mix of specified days or dates. Now that I have access, I will make an attempt tomorrow and failing that, Monday. If Monday fails, I will give them a call. No big thing, just something to work on. After speaking with my study partner, I am certain of the engineering course I will need in order to be his study partner again, and I can take the physics course where and when it is offered conveniently for me (hopefully here in town, in the afternoons, so I can take the bus and rise a bit later). It is coming together. Why rush, I have the rest of my life. Oh, I know, but worrying about it does not help a thing.
You know, I was thinking about what to try and get done before my surgery this coming Wednesday (it is a small thing, in office, out right away though temporarily disabling). I have to get some grocery shopping completed, after the test I would like to do a bit more house cleaning, and I think I should prep the apartment for easier navigation. A few pieces of furniture could be moved to accommodate limping around and having a leg potentially off at an odd angle. But too, I would like to line up some things to take up my time while down and facilitate some of the studies I am planning. I think I might dig a bit more deeply into Matlab for some of this, a computer math program, a powerful one. It seems engineering schools tend to favor it, and it uses programming this is or is quite similar to C and/or C++, also favored in engineering circles (the ones I am familiar with). I will not say I will get that all done, but it is a goal.
I best get to bed. An early rise might not be so bad and it is very late. I have been playing with computer configuration tools trying to find a system I can live with (and afford). Though, I must admit, I tinkered with dream systems (Blackbird, upgraded to the hilt, wow!). Warm and fuzzies or a kick in the pants, take what you need, I am open policy that way. Ciao.
Friday, December 7, 2007
I cannot seem to concentrate, but…
After writing this, I will get back to study. I have done little and it is difficult to get in the swing of it at this time. But with the test Monday, I had better get cracking!
I read the news, daily at least. Most articles spark little interest. Much of it is politically motivated, Fox News being little better than the rest. Of course, there is the blogosphere, but that too is what it is. At least with blogs, my comments can be shared in a manner that is heard (for good or ill). I am not really a debater. It is not that I am static in my beliefs, it is more that I have come to a point where it takes profound new information to resettle something. In an age of jets, computers, and a seeming lack of historical, cultural, and educational standards and origins, finding serious depth of thought coupled with evidence is a rather rare thing that so that change is very slow.
What I do find, on blogs mostly, is a vitality and drive. I know many fall, and get back up, write and then withdraw, and then cycle through it all again and again. What this is, for me, is an indication and a vindication of life. When I disagree… good, I need it and perhaps they need to hear that. When I agree, great, I might clown around with a little tongue in cheek, state it whole and plain, or whatever. It is a small joy to participate, and the internet gives me an opportunity I cannot otherwise know.
Life, it is good. I can and do complain, but make no mistake, there is no question about how much I value my, your, and even little creatures’ lives. Yeah, ok, should I see a cockroach I might appreciate it’s life after I have stepped on it, but the trend otherwise is dominant. Even with my failures and frustrations, I am learning, gaining, seeing, and loving in my odd little foible filled way. I have to think you, too, have this. Even if it cannot be seen, I feel it. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is always, at this time in my life and finally, out there for me with absolute surety (especially since death no longer holds sway nor has the power to beckon me like a perfect lover). I know the good times are there, and I have learned patience. As well, I have learned that good times are not necessarily “happy times”, but more times of being in step with my stated moral ethics and having a community in which to share that. I hope others have that, can find it, can use it, and can come to love the nature of the facts surrounding it.
I have decided to quit being such a glumpuss. For a while anyway. I am going to review topics which are enlightening, interesting (to me), or hopeful. When school ends, I will begin a review of a new physics theory. As I figure things out, or not, I will try to write a bit about that. As well, I might write about my examination of math, if it seems I understand it well enough or if something is particularly difficult as I try to figure it out. Other topics will include little stories of the good things people do, both in the face of tragedy (like when the Amish near here set up a fund for the family of the man who killed some of their daughters then himself), to just selfless acts which shine on the better nature of men. Oh, perhaps a few ideas on food will be written about. I will be trying some interesting recipes shortly, the most interesting of which is a true onion soup, starting with six onions, homemade, somewhat involved if simply, and… we will see. If someone wants bad news, just buy a paper, turn on the tv, or browse the internet. Even good news is bad news there, innit?
Well, I best get busy or I will have no choice but to print bad news, my final grade that is! Be well, warm, loved, and kind. It is a hard world, but we have been gifted with the ability to see and choose how we deal and then interact regarding that. Choose wisely, as you may, and I will most certainly try to do likewise.
I read the news, daily at least. Most articles spark little interest. Much of it is politically motivated, Fox News being little better than the rest. Of course, there is the blogosphere, but that too is what it is. At least with blogs, my comments can be shared in a manner that is heard (for good or ill). I am not really a debater. It is not that I am static in my beliefs, it is more that I have come to a point where it takes profound new information to resettle something. In an age of jets, computers, and a seeming lack of historical, cultural, and educational standards and origins, finding serious depth of thought coupled with evidence is a rather rare thing that so that change is very slow.
What I do find, on blogs mostly, is a vitality and drive. I know many fall, and get back up, write and then withdraw, and then cycle through it all again and again. What this is, for me, is an indication and a vindication of life. When I disagree… good, I need it and perhaps they need to hear that. When I agree, great, I might clown around with a little tongue in cheek, state it whole and plain, or whatever. It is a small joy to participate, and the internet gives me an opportunity I cannot otherwise know.
Life, it is good. I can and do complain, but make no mistake, there is no question about how much I value my, your, and even little creatures’ lives. Yeah, ok, should I see a cockroach I might appreciate it’s life after I have stepped on it, but the trend otherwise is dominant. Even with my failures and frustrations, I am learning, gaining, seeing, and loving in my odd little foible filled way. I have to think you, too, have this. Even if it cannot be seen, I feel it. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is always, at this time in my life and finally, out there for me with absolute surety (especially since death no longer holds sway nor has the power to beckon me like a perfect lover). I know the good times are there, and I have learned patience. As well, I have learned that good times are not necessarily “happy times”, but more times of being in step with my stated moral ethics and having a community in which to share that. I hope others have that, can find it, can use it, and can come to love the nature of the facts surrounding it.
I have decided to quit being such a glumpuss. For a while anyway. I am going to review topics which are enlightening, interesting (to me), or hopeful. When school ends, I will begin a review of a new physics theory. As I figure things out, or not, I will try to write a bit about that. As well, I might write about my examination of math, if it seems I understand it well enough or if something is particularly difficult as I try to figure it out. Other topics will include little stories of the good things people do, both in the face of tragedy (like when the Amish near here set up a fund for the family of the man who killed some of their daughters then himself), to just selfless acts which shine on the better nature of men. Oh, perhaps a few ideas on food will be written about. I will be trying some interesting recipes shortly, the most interesting of which is a true onion soup, starting with six onions, homemade, somewhat involved if simply, and… we will see. If someone wants bad news, just buy a paper, turn on the tv, or browse the internet. Even good news is bad news there, innit?
Well, I best get busy or I will have no choice but to print bad news, my final grade that is! Be well, warm, loved, and kind. It is a hard world, but we have been gifted with the ability to see and choose how we deal and then interact regarding that. Choose wisely, as you may, and I will most certainly try to do likewise.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Definitely…
Someone IS getting into my house. In a general check, little seems to be missing, though I will do a more thorough check once my final is complete. I am insured, but that is not the real problem and there is a spend down or, co-pay, whatever it is called. As well, my internet is still being used by someone else. I am starting to think that my computer problems are, potentially, related to my home intrusion. I have started removing pieces and parts from my computer, when I leave, to try to ensure it cannot be used. However, I still do not know who is doing it, precisely. My neighbor gets the most scrutiny because of his criminal record and some other things. Though in this neighborhood he is certainly not the only suspect, he would be the one who would be most likely to break in every time I am out simply to use the internet (or try) and to steal small food items (he probably gets the munchies while breaking and entering).
What to do. I have called my landlord, and I expect a call back soon. I will not go into details with him on the phone. I am going to ask for a meeting here at my place, or at his home, and we are going to discuss some things. This problem, now that I see free time coming up, is going to be tended. I will not live like this. All I can say is he a.) best not be related to these people and b.) best not have known about the criminal history when renting, without telling me and offering security (if he wants to have a bleeding heart, then let him be the one to suffer for it). I will be seeing if the V.A. has any resources, and perhaps start looking for a lawyer. It depends on how this goes.
As far as the CO2, I am unsure about that. I have left the windows closed, initially for the last week or so, while out of the house, and completely for the last few days. No alarm has sounded. I have been moving the alarm between my bedroom and the living areas as well. That too is a frustrating thing. But right now, I just do not have time to find another place to live, study 5 chapters of engineering calculus III, and deal with the break-ins.
I may end up just abandoning this hell-hole. I would rather see the creep that is getting in here go (most likely back) to jail, but this area is not keen on punishment. Even when the parolee criminals get popped for drugs, they just get a finger shaken at them. When they get popped for DUI, or get in a BAR FIGHT, they do a day or two in jail, or half-in half out-for work. I think they have to kill someone to get a couple years in jail. This area is cowardly toward criminals. I would daresay, more, enabling to the criminals.
I have been looking at home security systems and a new computer, After reviewing my wallet, I realize those are pipedreams, for the moment. And, the home security will require a lot of work, ingenuity, and some not so small security measures of it’s own. I do think that however this works out, as soon as I can scrape the money together, I will be putting in just such a system. It will go with me wherever I go, save when I go “camping” of course. But I will always need a base of operations, so it will always have a place.
On the up side, my last calculus test was better. After the slow slide down from a high B, it was good to get a better than solid B. My quizzes are busting my gpa, as my tests are solid if less than I had hoped. Our professor will allow the final, if it is good enough, to replace another test but not the quizzes (which equal a test, totaled and mixed in). I am a bit frustrated with that, but it is just the way of it. So far, I am getting right above a B- (83.6%). A lot is riding on this final. A solid B or above will keep me in B range, I cannot make an A but I can lose the B, perhaps the B-. So, I study, when I can keep my mind on it. Arggghhhhhh! Now, though, I am a bit surprised to have made it this far. I think of it, given the situations involved, failing to succeed yet succeeding in not failing. Nothing to write home about but I will take it.
Update:
The landlord called back a short bit ago, and wanted to come over. He purchased a better CO2 detector, one with a digital read out and wanted to bring that by in any case. So, we I will be having this discussion very shortly. Wish me luck? Nah, stick with praying for wisdom and resolution, please. Unless you are not of the fold, then I suppose wishing me luck will do. (Hey, why beg a man poor in something for that which is not his, accept his offer graciously, if judiciously, especially when being supplicant in that request. Gee, even I know that.)
Update:
The landlord was quite concerned. We spoke of a number of topics. I assured him that this was not a health issue, though I think I actually mistook his question. As I thought about it later, I realized his concern was not about my state of health as to my understanding of the situation, but of concern for the events' impact upon my health. People speak differently, and hear differently, but body language says a lot. His questions were of concern, not doubt. The new CO2 monitor is in, on, and working. New locks are to be installed. And, when discussing a security camera system, I think he was planning on covering that cost! Now, I do not think I could do that, but it was quite kind, generous actually. It goes to his character as a man and landlord. He has taken care of any doubts I might have entertained regarding him in this matter. So, I will stick around and see what I can do. These new locks are supposed to be bullet proof. My only worry is that there may be another way in. I cannot imagine how, but I do know thieves and cheats are quite good at what they do, like to do it, and can find a way if they have all the time in the world and no stated moral ethic.
Dang, it looks like first a computer, then a video surveillance system. With even one class on my tab, plus these when able, I will not have much for that which I had hoped. Still, I go in for foot surgery (the first of 2 surgeries, the next 4 to 6 weeks later) next week, 2 days after my final. All save the big toe, on both feet, are hammered nearly straight down. It didn't used to be this bad, I am sure. But years of inactivity have done their worst. I actually used to be able to do a 4-5 minute/mile 5 mile run. Not great, but I'm not sure I even could with me feet as they are (though the beer belly wouldn't help either!). So, I probably would not have been able to get out much anyway. Still... @%#$$%^#%@# I almost hope I do, and I almost hope I do not, ever catch who is doing this.
What to do. I have called my landlord, and I expect a call back soon. I will not go into details with him on the phone. I am going to ask for a meeting here at my place, or at his home, and we are going to discuss some things. This problem, now that I see free time coming up, is going to be tended. I will not live like this. All I can say is he a.) best not be related to these people and b.) best not have known about the criminal history when renting, without telling me and offering security (if he wants to have a bleeding heart, then let him be the one to suffer for it). I will be seeing if the V.A. has any resources, and perhaps start looking for a lawyer. It depends on how this goes.
As far as the CO2, I am unsure about that. I have left the windows closed, initially for the last week or so, while out of the house, and completely for the last few days. No alarm has sounded. I have been moving the alarm between my bedroom and the living areas as well. That too is a frustrating thing. But right now, I just do not have time to find another place to live, study 5 chapters of engineering calculus III, and deal with the break-ins.
I may end up just abandoning this hell-hole. I would rather see the creep that is getting in here go (most likely back) to jail, but this area is not keen on punishment. Even when the parolee criminals get popped for drugs, they just get a finger shaken at them. When they get popped for DUI, or get in a BAR FIGHT, they do a day or two in jail, or half-in half out-for work. I think they have to kill someone to get a couple years in jail. This area is cowardly toward criminals. I would daresay, more, enabling to the criminals.
I have been looking at home security systems and a new computer, After reviewing my wallet, I realize those are pipedreams, for the moment. And, the home security will require a lot of work, ingenuity, and some not so small security measures of it’s own. I do think that however this works out, as soon as I can scrape the money together, I will be putting in just such a system. It will go with me wherever I go, save when I go “camping” of course. But I will always need a base of operations, so it will always have a place.
On the up side, my last calculus test was better. After the slow slide down from a high B, it was good to get a better than solid B. My quizzes are busting my gpa, as my tests are solid if less than I had hoped. Our professor will allow the final, if it is good enough, to replace another test but not the quizzes (which equal a test, totaled and mixed in). I am a bit frustrated with that, but it is just the way of it. So far, I am getting right above a B- (83.6%). A lot is riding on this final. A solid B or above will keep me in B range, I cannot make an A but I can lose the B, perhaps the B-. So, I study, when I can keep my mind on it. Arggghhhhhh! Now, though, I am a bit surprised to have made it this far. I think of it, given the situations involved, failing to succeed yet succeeding in not failing. Nothing to write home about but I will take it.
Update:
The landlord called back a short bit ago, and wanted to come over. He purchased a better CO2 detector, one with a digital read out and wanted to bring that by in any case. So, we I will be having this discussion very shortly. Wish me luck? Nah, stick with praying for wisdom and resolution, please. Unless you are not of the fold, then I suppose wishing me luck will do. (Hey, why beg a man poor in something for that which is not his, accept his offer graciously, if judiciously, especially when being supplicant in that request. Gee, even I know that.)
Update:
The landlord was quite concerned. We spoke of a number of topics. I assured him that this was not a health issue, though I think I actually mistook his question. As I thought about it later, I realized his concern was not about my state of health as to my understanding of the situation, but of concern for the events' impact upon my health. People speak differently, and hear differently, but body language says a lot. His questions were of concern, not doubt. The new CO2 monitor is in, on, and working. New locks are to be installed. And, when discussing a security camera system, I think he was planning on covering that cost! Now, I do not think I could do that, but it was quite kind, generous actually. It goes to his character as a man and landlord. He has taken care of any doubts I might have entertained regarding him in this matter. So, I will stick around and see what I can do. These new locks are supposed to be bullet proof. My only worry is that there may be another way in. I cannot imagine how, but I do know thieves and cheats are quite good at what they do, like to do it, and can find a way if they have all the time in the world and no stated moral ethic.
Dang, it looks like first a computer, then a video surveillance system. With even one class on my tab, plus these when able, I will not have much for that which I had hoped. Still, I go in for foot surgery (the first of 2 surgeries, the next 4 to 6 weeks later) next week, 2 days after my final. All save the big toe, on both feet, are hammered nearly straight down. It didn't used to be this bad, I am sure. But years of inactivity have done their worst. I actually used to be able to do a 4-5 minute/mile 5 mile run. Not great, but I'm not sure I even could with me feet as they are (though the beer belly wouldn't help either!). So, I probably would not have been able to get out much anyway. Still... @%#$$%^#%@# I almost hope I do, and I almost hope I do not, ever catch who is doing this.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
A decent menu and cook results in a satisfied Critter.
I had stopped cooking, along with most of life, as things became “down”. Lately, however, I have gotten back into that game too. I have been trying to eat 3 meals a day, usually of the lighter variety, though at least one meal a day gets out of hand if only a trifling. Tonight’s meal was the one for today. I decided, it being Sunday, that a presentation meal was in order. That being the plan, I looked at what I had thawed or otherwise available. The chuck roast in the fridge looked pretty darn tootin’ good. As usual, potatoes go with that. It is just my way. As I was rummaging around the fridge, I happened upon purple cabbage and onions, fairly recently purchased but forgotten none the less. After a quick check, these were found to be both suitable and in good repair. Needless to say, the meal was a smashing success. The roast was medium to medium rare, the cabbage was splendid (though I think next time a half a quarter wedge would do fine, thank you), the potatoes were… well, potatoes, but the half onion was superior as well. Topped off with a tall quart of chocolate milk, and the deal was done.
I’m even keeping up on dishes and such. I start the dishes in very hot water, too hot for even my hands (I absentmindedly grabbed the stainless handle of my roaster, from a 370 F oven, nadda… I’ve poured, quite by accident, boiling water on my arm and hand (twice in a row that time, the QoD was gabbing at me and I was actually trying to listen while making hot tea for us, again, no burns). This gives me a little time to digest the meal before getting to it. So, I thought I would write a little post.
I have been a bit lazy with school work. I started back up today, but I am nervous. I have a quiz tomorrow and the final next Monday. About half of the final will be over the new material (which I do not have down and missed a class because the CO or CO2 tech was late (one of the more important classes with the time involved, the difficulty of this new material, my lack of understanding of the material, and the other material I need to study, so I was a bit miffed!)). So, I had best dig in, again. So much else needs attendance however, that life is becoming problematic. Oh, drats, I need to register for school… yet I need to speak to my money people to see if they will come back on board with funding or not as that will be how I will decide to take two courses or one. Hmm, I could register for both, and drop one should the money not be there. Still, that is one more complication in a set of complications regarding that whole unknown. We will see.
Anyway, back to the dishes, then a final review for the quiz (actually, the only review), and then to bed. I’m going to be looking into swimming in the mornings, now that I am getting up regularly. I may have a partner or two for that, but I won’t worry about that at this time. I can not depend on others. Well, take care. And remember, if you cannot laugh at yourself… a.) who can you laugh at? or b.) pick someone else to laugh at. B, bbbbbbbb b. hehehe
I’m even keeping up on dishes and such. I start the dishes in very hot water, too hot for even my hands (I absentmindedly grabbed the stainless handle of my roaster, from a 370 F oven, nadda… I’ve poured, quite by accident, boiling water on my arm and hand (twice in a row that time, the QoD was gabbing at me and I was actually trying to listen while making hot tea for us, again, no burns). This gives me a little time to digest the meal before getting to it. So, I thought I would write a little post.
I have been a bit lazy with school work. I started back up today, but I am nervous. I have a quiz tomorrow and the final next Monday. About half of the final will be over the new material (which I do not have down and missed a class because the CO or CO2 tech was late (one of the more important classes with the time involved, the difficulty of this new material, my lack of understanding of the material, and the other material I need to study, so I was a bit miffed!)). So, I had best dig in, again. So much else needs attendance however, that life is becoming problematic. Oh, drats, I need to register for school… yet I need to speak to my money people to see if they will come back on board with funding or not as that will be how I will decide to take two courses or one. Hmm, I could register for both, and drop one should the money not be there. Still, that is one more complication in a set of complications regarding that whole unknown. We will see.
Anyway, back to the dishes, then a final review for the quiz (actually, the only review), and then to bed. I’m going to be looking into swimming in the mornings, now that I am getting up regularly. I may have a partner or two for that, but I won’t worry about that at this time. I can not depend on others. Well, take care. And remember, if you cannot laugh at yourself… a.) who can you laugh at? or b.) pick someone else to laugh at. B, bbbbbbbb b. hehehe
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thinking... (and more clearly?)
I cannot get rid of what is on my computer, I think. I am pretty sure it is similar to the news of these viruses, trojans, tracking cookies related to this story, or (and most likely) groups of such. It could be a severe case of tracking cookies (though I have everything set otherwise, these freaks are smart freaks about their junk), or it is all just an over-reaction to an initial and real attack. For the time being, I am just going along. I am prepping for some changes which should tend the problem, the limiting factors are time to a small degree, money to a larger degree, and education about it all. I think, after this, I will be much more careful about accepting anything which cannot be verified in multiple ways, I will probably cease doing business online (using my phone instead), I will exclude going to “friends'” personal websites (not so much bloggers on blog servers, I think that is relatively secure within the larger blog system), using e-books, software, or even movies on my system from friends and family (who may be ignorantly passing this garbage or hackers, one really cannot know), and generally having the system tacked down very tightly with that, a few new technologies, and a different set of operating and security systems.
As for my recent paranoia, though I think it has some basis in reality, I think it was additionally fueled by a home difficulty of which I was unaware. I am not setting aside my security concerns, only reviewing them in light of new information. I seem to have a CO2 problem in my house. I had not been using a CO2 monitor my landlord provided. I had used it a bit the first summer, yet with the house often open on cooler days or parts of most days, of course, the thing never went off. As time went on, the particular plug the device was served by was needed for another set of items (a smaller fish tank, light and pump), and so the monitor was set aside, eventually finding it’s way to my weight/storage room. In casting about, on a recent particularly nothing day, I happened to be perusing the contents of my electronics box in said room, and found the monitor again. Having had the house closed up for the last two to three months, I thought… why not? I could think of nary a reason, so into the wall socket in that room it went. Upon returning from classes that day, I heard this slow steady beep. I thought it was one of my watches, the cell phone for one reason or another, or whatever, but paid it no heed as I was digging into some work. Eventually the sound became irksome enough (and the homework required me to take a break) so that I finally went seeking. Seeking and finding, I found a rattled CO2 monitor, bleating a warning. Ah, I suspected, being in an off room, it was probably a false warning. Yet, knowing there is only one way to know, I plugged it into one of my bedroom sockets. Wow, the thing went off like a rocket.
So, I’ve been turning down the furnace first (burrrr, but I mostly like that) and keeping my windows open a crack in my bedroom at night. Guess what? Sleep has been fantastic! I have been able to go to sleep at about 10 pm to 12 am, waking at 4:30-6:00 am, and rested and ready! I feel like a new man. You should see my kitchen and bathroom! I really do like to keep things up, and up to specs, really. No, actually, beyond up to specs. But that will take some time... which I do not have a lot of with finals approaching. Anyway, I’ve been doing quite well. Oh, I also discovered that during the day, if I close the windows, I will also begin falling into lethargy and begin getting terrible (migraine) headaches and heating up bodily (I had been having those things happen at night, as well as waking unrested, being unable to return to sleep, etc. recently). I suppose getting air at night made the previously more tolerable yet still problematic daytime lack of fresh air less detrimental, with air at night, the problem became awake time, which only shows it was a problem. The migraine had felt as if the brain stem was parting from the spinal cord in a real way, as if a spike had been being driven from the lower base of the middle back of my neck up toward the top (slightly left) of my forehead. So, I’ve been limiting myself to a two hour warm up after awakening with all windows shut, then turning the furnace down again and opening the windows in the front rooms a crack. I do need a little warmth to get going, get my shower, and just begin my day. Nicely, my windows have mechanical limiters which prevent the windows from being opened more than about 3 inches, for security reasons.
I had the apartment checked for sources, nothing could be found with the furnace or the water heater, nor was any room giving a warning. Still, people had been in earlier to simply check the furnace (fall check-up), and I had the windows open until ten that morning while also having been out of the house a large part of the day until the 3 o’clock check. I am not sure what is going on, and my “fix” is an expensive one (open windows in Iowa winters, even if just a crack and the furnace down), so I am unsure how to proceed. However, this does give pause to my notions of home invasion, if it does not eliminate the possibility (just because I am paranoid does not mean they are not after me *laughs*), as well, I know my computer was hacked, I just do not know if it still is. So, I am going slow with any action or reaction until I can clarify. Like, oh, I do not know… maybe an owl? Yep. What a hoot.
As for my recent paranoia, though I think it has some basis in reality, I think it was additionally fueled by a home difficulty of which I was unaware. I am not setting aside my security concerns, only reviewing them in light of new information. I seem to have a CO2 problem in my house. I had not been using a CO2 monitor my landlord provided. I had used it a bit the first summer, yet with the house often open on cooler days or parts of most days, of course, the thing never went off. As time went on, the particular plug the device was served by was needed for another set of items (a smaller fish tank, light and pump), and so the monitor was set aside, eventually finding it’s way to my weight/storage room. In casting about, on a recent particularly nothing day, I happened to be perusing the contents of my electronics box in said room, and found the monitor again. Having had the house closed up for the last two to three months, I thought… why not? I could think of nary a reason, so into the wall socket in that room it went. Upon returning from classes that day, I heard this slow steady beep. I thought it was one of my watches, the cell phone for one reason or another, or whatever, but paid it no heed as I was digging into some work. Eventually the sound became irksome enough (and the homework required me to take a break) so that I finally went seeking. Seeking and finding, I found a rattled CO2 monitor, bleating a warning. Ah, I suspected, being in an off room, it was probably a false warning. Yet, knowing there is only one way to know, I plugged it into one of my bedroom sockets. Wow, the thing went off like a rocket.
So, I’ve been turning down the furnace first (burrrr, but I mostly like that) and keeping my windows open a crack in my bedroom at night. Guess what? Sleep has been fantastic! I have been able to go to sleep at about 10 pm to 12 am, waking at 4:30-6:00 am, and rested and ready! I feel like a new man. You should see my kitchen and bathroom! I really do like to keep things up, and up to specs, really. No, actually, beyond up to specs. But that will take some time... which I do not have a lot of with finals approaching. Anyway, I’ve been doing quite well. Oh, I also discovered that during the day, if I close the windows, I will also begin falling into lethargy and begin getting terrible (migraine) headaches and heating up bodily (I had been having those things happen at night, as well as waking unrested, being unable to return to sleep, etc. recently). I suppose getting air at night made the previously more tolerable yet still problematic daytime lack of fresh air less detrimental, with air at night, the problem became awake time, which only shows it was a problem. The migraine had felt as if the brain stem was parting from the spinal cord in a real way, as if a spike had been being driven from the lower base of the middle back of my neck up toward the top (slightly left) of my forehead. So, I’ve been limiting myself to a two hour warm up after awakening with all windows shut, then turning the furnace down again and opening the windows in the front rooms a crack. I do need a little warmth to get going, get my shower, and just begin my day. Nicely, my windows have mechanical limiters which prevent the windows from being opened more than about 3 inches, for security reasons.
I had the apartment checked for sources, nothing could be found with the furnace or the water heater, nor was any room giving a warning. Still, people had been in earlier to simply check the furnace (fall check-up), and I had the windows open until ten that morning while also having been out of the house a large part of the day until the 3 o’clock check. I am not sure what is going on, and my “fix” is an expensive one (open windows in Iowa winters, even if just a crack and the furnace down), so I am unsure how to proceed. However, this does give pause to my notions of home invasion, if it does not eliminate the possibility (just because I am paranoid does not mean they are not after me *laughs*), as well, I know my computer was hacked, I just do not know if it still is. So, I am going slow with any action or reaction until I can clarify. Like, oh, I do not know… maybe an owl? Yep. What a hoot.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I am not quite gone, but the door looms.
While looking over my favored blogs one last time while planning to turn things off, I had a notion while viewing a specific one. The blog I was viewing was, in some circles, incendiary. Yeah, poking fun of Islamic Jihad, helping to disable their propaganda, and other fun things (even poking fun at the US left) can be dangerous and can lead to attacks on many levels. So, I thought to write him an email and see how he protects himself, especially considering he has received death threats aimed at himself and his family.
Sadly, I think he believes I am a nut. Well, that is probably true. But while that is true, it is not singular. In other words, just because I am crazy, it does not mean I am necessarily wrong. Crazy is a bit harsh, if true, so we will just say I can be a little too anxious at times. Even if I am paid full fee for those services, I can only take half credit (humble to the end? I try.). So, I think he is going to disbelieve and blow me off. Hard to tell. At least he did write back to ask how sure I am, and what proof I have. I did not send all the evidence (two other emails, but I cannot read anything on them and am a little afraid to send them on) written to and from people I do not know using one of my email accounts. I did send what appears to be a picture, in jpeg(I think) format. A picture I did not send, a picture I cannot see, sent to some address I do not know, returned and email visible only because the email address it was sent to no longer existed. Oh, and it seemed to be mailed by a mail service (gmail, though through my email provider) I do not have. Oh well.
So, I have until next Monday before my decision is enacted. He might come through, though it sounds like he is not really security minded or at least believes being hacked is so rare as to be a unicorn in my case. The only things I can quit are this blog and one actual account with a business. The rest, I guess, will continue in perpetuity. Which, honestly, rankles my irritation to no end. As the old saying goes, once you join, you can never leave. Watch what you join, I guess.
Sadly, I think he believes I am a nut. Well, that is probably true. But while that is true, it is not singular. In other words, just because I am crazy, it does not mean I am necessarily wrong. Crazy is a bit harsh, if true, so we will just say I can be a little too anxious at times. Even if I am paid full fee for those services, I can only take half credit (humble to the end? I try.). So, I think he is going to disbelieve and blow me off. Hard to tell. At least he did write back to ask how sure I am, and what proof I have. I did not send all the evidence (two other emails, but I cannot read anything on them and am a little afraid to send them on) written to and from people I do not know using one of my email accounts. I did send what appears to be a picture, in jpeg(I think) format. A picture I did not send, a picture I cannot see, sent to some address I do not know, returned and email visible only because the email address it was sent to no longer existed. Oh, and it seemed to be mailed by a mail service (gmail, though through my email provider) I do not have. Oh well.
So, I have until next Monday before my decision is enacted. He might come through, though it sounds like he is not really security minded or at least believes being hacked is so rare as to be a unicorn in my case. The only things I can quit are this blog and one actual account with a business. The rest, I guess, will continue in perpetuity. Which, honestly, rankles my irritation to no end. As the old saying goes, once you join, you can never leave. Watch what you join, I guess.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
I will be shutting down.
I have a few days to a week online before ending this. I will end this last. I am trying to find what I am connected to online and end each of those connections. Some forums do not even have a means of ending the connection, others might take a phone call as well as online activity. Every security system I have tried has failed. I consider this a combined failure of Microsoft, ISP servers, and third party software providers. It almost seems as if they want us to feel secure without being secure. Making it look good, like a beautiful car with a big engine and with really poor braking.
I checked into Linux and routers. Beside the expense, the fact is these are really little more safe than Microsoft’s OS against a dedicated knowledgeable hacker. Now, I could spend the next two years of my life and some small fortune gaining the knowledge and ability to provide (better) security, be aware of my system and know how to “manually” know about and then end unwanted intrusions into my system. However, after evaluating this, I cannot say that my interest in the internet is worth this much hassle or money.
Do you enjoy my readers? Of course I do. Do I enjoy scouting their blogs, news sites, information about purchases, and just having fun on-line? You bet I do. How much is that worth compared to how much I make? How much time would it take to be able to do these things without endangering my identity, financial security, and sanity? Between those two questions lies the simple truth, I cannot afford the internet.
I have wondered why someone would be so hot for my system. My computer is not that powerful anymore. I end my internet connection when not in use (it is cable, so always ready, but without power, it is not always available). I do have strong political and religious beliefs, though, who does not? I have come to the simple conclusion that it simply does not matter why, and the question about security has been answered. Frustrated, perhaps, but I now understand. Thugs rule the internet and the people who could (probably) stop them, do not.
I checked into Linux and routers. Beside the expense, the fact is these are really little more safe than Microsoft’s OS against a dedicated knowledgeable hacker. Now, I could spend the next two years of my life and some small fortune gaining the knowledge and ability to provide (better) security, be aware of my system and know how to “manually” know about and then end unwanted intrusions into my system. However, after evaluating this, I cannot say that my interest in the internet is worth this much hassle or money.
Do you enjoy my readers? Of course I do. Do I enjoy scouting their blogs, news sites, information about purchases, and just having fun on-line? You bet I do. How much is that worth compared to how much I make? How much time would it take to be able to do these things without endangering my identity, financial security, and sanity? Between those two questions lies the simple truth, I cannot afford the internet.
I have wondered why someone would be so hot for my system. My computer is not that powerful anymore. I end my internet connection when not in use (it is cable, so always ready, but without power, it is not always available). I do have strong political and religious beliefs, though, who does not? I have come to the simple conclusion that it simply does not matter why, and the question about security has been answered. Frustrated, perhaps, but I now understand. Thugs rule the internet and the people who could (probably) stop them, do not.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Poetry and Wisdom from the Lost and Found?
Coffee!
I love coffee, and all that the drink entails.
Mood swings to the nearly divine positive
and a tail spin not unrelated to obverse mania,
unitl another cup or, and better, carafe is proffered.
In heaven, I will drink only fresh fine coffee.
Which, like on earth, in heaven, I will share.
Come to my fire, sit in my simple mud hut,
but bring your own cup, I will not be in a mansion.
Given grace, knowledge, and wisdom, true and pure.
Having a body that works and a mind that is unfettered.
I will then be what I am and my servant will be true.
That servant will be me, and that servant will serve you.
Ok, I’ll stop there. I just had to try. I will never ever be a poet. And, I write poetry to prove it. I wonder if that is why atheists do what they do? Oh well, I do not understand anything well, it seems. At least I enjoy what ignorance remains to me and the clueless nature of the innocence I can muster as I proceed forward into what I know to be a harsh reality. Whistling past the graves? No. Embracing the whole nature of it all, with hope if with certainty, sincerely, and in good faith? Perhaps. That is my choice if not my way.
Today, the locks, tomorrow, the world? Well, something of that nature. The new locks have been installed. I have learned another trick or two about home security measures. And, I am using some of my old techniques to ensure security. Do not worry, none of the lethal means are being employed lest an innocent be harmed. The guilty, I do not care. Still, this is supposed to be a civil world to which I returned home. And, by heaven, I will still kill to keep it that way. I said I try to be good guy, not a nice guy.
I am still upset, however. Even after having “cared for” my computer, I find that it is compromised. Whatever is doing this is not showing up in anti-virus and anti-spy-ware software (top of the line, so it is said, and from two different companies), so it is merely better than the detection or using a method that is not in the detection line-up. Government work? Doubtful. First, I have no doubt the government bots are at work, these have been unobtrusive and tasteful. Well, we are at war, think about it. Even G.I. mail has been and probably is monitored. Why would I be so special to be unfettered, as a civilian? Beyond, I hope they are using these methods and leaving political correctness out of doing serious work. I do suspect who and how I am being hacked, I just do not have the means of detecting, tracing back, so, knowing with certainty. Further, I am sure that whatever hardware or software I purchase or install, it will not matter. After looking very closely at the security of routers and Linux, I realize that a determined hacker can and will break my system. Further, I believe the hacking is top grade. Lastly, I believe I am on some hacker’s short list. Privacy is lost to me, and to any who disagree, I do believe. I am really considering going off-line at this point. It is not necessarily about privacy, but personal and financial safety. I will be calling my ISP today, and asking them about this issue. Barring a good response, I may no longer be here, soon. Still, I need to un-register my online existence. I do not wish to have ghost traces for others to use in my absence and in my name. Blogging has been fun, but this type of intrusion is not. How can I tell? When I am doing something on my machine and the key strokes are two or three behind my actual typing, when my mouse is unresponsive for spits and spats, when one of my various email accounts are “busy” when I check e-mail yet my connection is on and crystal through the browser, and when settings on my computer change, changes I did not introduce. Even in Microsoft Word, though I keep setting the thing to not capitalize letters at what it sees as the beginning of sentences, it keeps turning back to that. Lots of evidence, little insight, both equal a surety of insecurity.
Oh, an update on my apology letter. I have received a letter from my former (on her part) friend. She is “discerning” the matter. I can understand that. Perhaps we are poison to each other. Then again, what friend can a rattle snake expect but a pit viper? No, she is not a pit viper and I am not a rattle snake (mostly, ha, I crack me up), only perhaps to each other? We have both dug in deep, but in different directions, for different reasons. We are entrenched, surrounded, out-gunned, against it, and often. Sometimes in some places, it is difficult to know friend from foe, and that is more difficult when we are not even sure we are friend. Call words, passwords, hails, and sing-alongs work only until bullets begin to fly, and we go past exhaustion, pain, hunger, thirst, and home-sickness. Having “treated” our mind to their toxins, everyone becomes the enemy. This, oddly, is why I try to maintain this relationship. Not to prove that this is not true for me, only to try to reach beyond it. To show love to one who may hold a dagger, meant for my jugular, in her off hand. Maybe it is socially and personally suicidal, maybe though, it is purely hopeful, loving, and giving to another who knows my world, if across the sex, mind, and heart aisle. Yes, I did say I try to proceed innocently, even armed with seeming foreknowledge from past realities. Perhaps I deserve what I get, perhaps I created the dilemma, but I can only go from here, the place I am, nyet? I do live in fear and oddly hope, partly for the promise of a beautifully horrific death. I believe it is mine for the living. I do not believe my death will be easy or nice, hopefully though, my death will have meaning, real meaning.
All in all, life is still good. Bothered, lonely, threatened, and against it, I am actually comfortable here. Struggling to learn, fighting to be free and private, but quite happy to have the opportunity. I still see and know love, for others and between others. I still have hope, if doubtful, hope wins easily. I still love puppies and kittens, pretty women well but good women better, fast cars, rock and roll, men as allies and potential brothers-in-arms, and good company (oh, and that dratted pipe, and a snifter of fine scotch, oh, and a few other goodies). As well, I am with God, as I know how. He is with me, when I can know or not, and whether I am being right or not. Even if He is not my Santa, that is not why I worship Him, so that is good too. I am home, with Him, if not a home that is in step with a modern world. All is good, and it is always a good day to die because of it.
Be hale, be kind, be loving. If you do not have that in you, know I lend what of it I own freely, save for the fee of sharing these gifts as you may.
I love coffee, and all that the drink entails.
Mood swings to the nearly divine positive
and a tail spin not unrelated to obverse mania,
unitl another cup or, and better, carafe is proffered.
In heaven, I will drink only fresh fine coffee.
Which, like on earth, in heaven, I will share.
Come to my fire, sit in my simple mud hut,
but bring your own cup, I will not be in a mansion.
Given grace, knowledge, and wisdom, true and pure.
Having a body that works and a mind that is unfettered.
I will then be what I am and my servant will be true.
That servant will be me, and that servant will serve you.
Ok, I’ll stop there. I just had to try. I will never ever be a poet. And, I write poetry to prove it. I wonder if that is why atheists do what they do? Oh well, I do not understand anything well, it seems. At least I enjoy what ignorance remains to me and the clueless nature of the innocence I can muster as I proceed forward into what I know to be a harsh reality. Whistling past the graves? No. Embracing the whole nature of it all, with hope if with certainty, sincerely, and in good faith? Perhaps. That is my choice if not my way.
Today, the locks, tomorrow, the world? Well, something of that nature. The new locks have been installed. I have learned another trick or two about home security measures. And, I am using some of my old techniques to ensure security. Do not worry, none of the lethal means are being employed lest an innocent be harmed. The guilty, I do not care. Still, this is supposed to be a civil world to which I returned home. And, by heaven, I will still kill to keep it that way. I said I try to be good guy, not a nice guy.
I am still upset, however. Even after having “cared for” my computer, I find that it is compromised. Whatever is doing this is not showing up in anti-virus and anti-spy-ware software (top of the line, so it is said, and from two different companies), so it is merely better than the detection or using a method that is not in the detection line-up. Government work? Doubtful. First, I have no doubt the government bots are at work, these have been unobtrusive and tasteful. Well, we are at war, think about it. Even G.I. mail has been and probably is monitored. Why would I be so special to be unfettered, as a civilian? Beyond, I hope they are using these methods and leaving political correctness out of doing serious work. I do suspect who and how I am being hacked, I just do not have the means of detecting, tracing back, so, knowing with certainty. Further, I am sure that whatever hardware or software I purchase or install, it will not matter. After looking very closely at the security of routers and Linux, I realize that a determined hacker can and will break my system. Further, I believe the hacking is top grade. Lastly, I believe I am on some hacker’s short list. Privacy is lost to me, and to any who disagree, I do believe. I am really considering going off-line at this point. It is not necessarily about privacy, but personal and financial safety. I will be calling my ISP today, and asking them about this issue. Barring a good response, I may no longer be here, soon. Still, I need to un-register my online existence. I do not wish to have ghost traces for others to use in my absence and in my name. Blogging has been fun, but this type of intrusion is not. How can I tell? When I am doing something on my machine and the key strokes are two or three behind my actual typing, when my mouse is unresponsive for spits and spats, when one of my various email accounts are “busy” when I check e-mail yet my connection is on and crystal through the browser, and when settings on my computer change, changes I did not introduce. Even in Microsoft Word, though I keep setting the thing to not capitalize letters at what it sees as the beginning of sentences, it keeps turning back to that. Lots of evidence, little insight, both equal a surety of insecurity.
Oh, an update on my apology letter. I have received a letter from my former (on her part) friend. She is “discerning” the matter. I can understand that. Perhaps we are poison to each other. Then again, what friend can a rattle snake expect but a pit viper? No, she is not a pit viper and I am not a rattle snake (mostly, ha, I crack me up), only perhaps to each other? We have both dug in deep, but in different directions, for different reasons. We are entrenched, surrounded, out-gunned, against it, and often. Sometimes in some places, it is difficult to know friend from foe, and that is more difficult when we are not even sure we are friend. Call words, passwords, hails, and sing-alongs work only until bullets begin to fly, and we go past exhaustion, pain, hunger, thirst, and home-sickness. Having “treated” our mind to their toxins, everyone becomes the enemy. This, oddly, is why I try to maintain this relationship. Not to prove that this is not true for me, only to try to reach beyond it. To show love to one who may hold a dagger, meant for my jugular, in her off hand. Maybe it is socially and personally suicidal, maybe though, it is purely hopeful, loving, and giving to another who knows my world, if across the sex, mind, and heart aisle. Yes, I did say I try to proceed innocently, even armed with seeming foreknowledge from past realities. Perhaps I deserve what I get, perhaps I created the dilemma, but I can only go from here, the place I am, nyet? I do live in fear and oddly hope, partly for the promise of a beautifully horrific death. I believe it is mine for the living. I do not believe my death will be easy or nice, hopefully though, my death will have meaning, real meaning.
All in all, life is still good. Bothered, lonely, threatened, and against it, I am actually comfortable here. Struggling to learn, fighting to be free and private, but quite happy to have the opportunity. I still see and know love, for others and between others. I still have hope, if doubtful, hope wins easily. I still love puppies and kittens, pretty women well but good women better, fast cars, rock and roll, men as allies and potential brothers-in-arms, and good company (oh, and that dratted pipe, and a snifter of fine scotch, oh, and a few other goodies). As well, I am with God, as I know how. He is with me, when I can know or not, and whether I am being right or not. Even if He is not my Santa, that is not why I worship Him, so that is good too. I am home, with Him, if not a home that is in step with a modern world. All is good, and it is always a good day to die because of it.
Be hale, be kind, be loving. If you do not have that in you, know I lend what of it I own freely, save for the fee of sharing these gifts as you may.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The Debate
I am not understanding some things, so I began having a ‘thought discussion’ with one who disagrees with certain ideas and beliefs I hold deeply. This other is a friend, I believe, though certainly from my point of view. I decided to blog the thing, both to get it straight in my mind and to put it forth for review. Some of this discussion is based upon real discussions, other parts are fictional.
When discussing morality, my friend indicated he believes in morality. So, I asked for a definition of morality. Well, he thought and then said, it is doing good, or the right thing. Ok, but that does not really codify the topic. Is there a set of principles by which you base this goodness or righteousness on, or is it merely what you perceive at any given moment? Well, it seems, one just knows these things, he suggests. So, is it your parents who give these data to you, or the world at large, your peers, and with confliction of notion, how do you decide which data is true. The conversation ended without any clarification, merely a restatement that one not only should but must do the right thing.
I saw no reason to further examine the definition of goodness, so I moved to the source of goodness, or the source of the knowledge of rightness. I posited that, without a unique source of knowledge and certainty about what is good and right, this knowledge really is based on individual perceptions (which are flawed and malleable, go watch a magician then imagine how much “magic” is happening outside of said shows) and upon one’s own self interest (which is worse than even perception). Courts could not do their work, laws could not be upheld, and teachers could not teach without some clearly defined moral goals, processes, and means of enactment (as can clearly be seen in our modern world, though that is another topic) if everything was based purely upon perception and self interest. If I robbed a bank and took $30,000 dollars in the process, was caught, brought in, and tried, I could easily say that the bank itself lost no money, it was other people’s money and insured at that. The other people, all told, lost only a fraction of my gain. Further, the insurance covering the bank lost no money as it makes more in profits than losses (otherwise it would be bankrupt and replaced). Therefore, the greater good of the one, my gain, outweighs the very minor if existent losses of the many. I would have to be set free, the stolen money returned (with interest, I would not be a charitable bank robber, business is business), and I would expect an apology in the mail. Right?
I might suggest, as he is a programmer, that he understand that a library is not only a good way to go, but in many cases, it is the only way to go. If one is writing a complex program with which to control a device, one is not ever given the money, time, and man-labor to create some of the more complex mathematical process subroutines which might be required. Beyond, they have already been created, often it is hoped, by truly competent mathematicians dedicated to the area within the art which is required for the system. Why, if such is being done for simple appliances, would this library concept not be done for something vastly more complex, that is, life? And this would be true, regardless if their was a God or not, it would be presumed.
My point is, if he really does believe in doing the right thing, he must have a source of correctness that is not habited within him, or within any collective group of people, or anything else which is changeable, variable, flawed, or losable. It must be from a source outside of that. Barring God, all other things we know fail to sustain any such permanency. Further, from the few things he did indicate were good, I suggested that these were Christian based, some dating to the Jewish faith. I asked why he and his non-believing cohorts had not arrived at their own principles of good and evil, written a book, and developed a following based on even simple principles (say, Confucianism) which lasted any significant time or where sustainable in all environments.
I suggested that every attempt to create such a system failed, to be remanded to history, and every attempt at legalizing morality (with or without well meaning or poorly proposed invocations of God) failed, and miserably. The more stringently enforced, such as communism, socialism, feminism, Islam, Calvinism (the first police state, Protestantism meets (creates?) socialism perhaps), and others all failed or are about to fail, yet have left un-Godly amounts of pain, social chaos, torture, murder, and mass murder in their wake. Some have been so atrocious that they are being unwritten as we speak (try to find pictures of the U.S.S.R.’s horrors on the web, look up Stalin in many dictionaries… a state leader of the former U.S.S.R.).
I did have another thought. He doubts God because of tests and trials, evil in the world, and the darkness that comes for him at times. I sense this, see it clearly, and know it myself. I would suggest this, though. As we entertain a difficult and arduous education, are we not paying very good money to be very sorely tested? Are we not groveling before books and writing on reams of paper in the hopes of a simple understanding and functional use? Could we possibly be doing this merely for money? No, we are doing what we can, probably should, and to be right with a world. We are gaining mastery to become new scientific artists based on a truth that if you can, you might have a moral obligation to do so. If we do this for the material world, why would we expect less from an extra-worldly teacher, especially our immortal Father? Perhaps I cannot always see why I should know the pains, doubts, troubles, and toils I know, but my faith that my Father has a reason for this, and my loving faith in my “brother” cum Savior to save me in spite of myself never fails. If I must cry to him at times, whether at times I fear Father so speak to “Brother”, or am angry at “Brother” so seek the Spirit, this does not diminish the full truth. And, yes, I am tested most sorely, I am beset, I cannot trust many who I give honest trust, yet I can trust that being my best is worthy if only to God.
I do not worry for him, or his. I do hope he finds his way home. It is cold out there. It is alone. It is evil, and often. Even in the fold, our hands, eyes, and perception may deceive us should we fall to sloth, lust, greed, or the others. Yet within the fold, it is easier and quicker to sense error and correct it. And to know we can only correct our own erroneous ways. I hope all find a home, or at least the capacity for good, love in it’s purer form, and perhaps see rightness as it is, not as the candy stores of Ought to Be.
Be well.
When discussing morality, my friend indicated he believes in morality. So, I asked for a definition of morality. Well, he thought and then said, it is doing good, or the right thing. Ok, but that does not really codify the topic. Is there a set of principles by which you base this goodness or righteousness on, or is it merely what you perceive at any given moment? Well, it seems, one just knows these things, he suggests. So, is it your parents who give these data to you, or the world at large, your peers, and with confliction of notion, how do you decide which data is true. The conversation ended without any clarification, merely a restatement that one not only should but must do the right thing.
I saw no reason to further examine the definition of goodness, so I moved to the source of goodness, or the source of the knowledge of rightness. I posited that, without a unique source of knowledge and certainty about what is good and right, this knowledge really is based on individual perceptions (which are flawed and malleable, go watch a magician then imagine how much “magic” is happening outside of said shows) and upon one’s own self interest (which is worse than even perception). Courts could not do their work, laws could not be upheld, and teachers could not teach without some clearly defined moral goals, processes, and means of enactment (as can clearly be seen in our modern world, though that is another topic) if everything was based purely upon perception and self interest. If I robbed a bank and took $30,000 dollars in the process, was caught, brought in, and tried, I could easily say that the bank itself lost no money, it was other people’s money and insured at that. The other people, all told, lost only a fraction of my gain. Further, the insurance covering the bank lost no money as it makes more in profits than losses (otherwise it would be bankrupt and replaced). Therefore, the greater good of the one, my gain, outweighs the very minor if existent losses of the many. I would have to be set free, the stolen money returned (with interest, I would not be a charitable bank robber, business is business), and I would expect an apology in the mail. Right?
I might suggest, as he is a programmer, that he understand that a library is not only a good way to go, but in many cases, it is the only way to go. If one is writing a complex program with which to control a device, one is not ever given the money, time, and man-labor to create some of the more complex mathematical process subroutines which might be required. Beyond, they have already been created, often it is hoped, by truly competent mathematicians dedicated to the area within the art which is required for the system. Why, if such is being done for simple appliances, would this library concept not be done for something vastly more complex, that is, life? And this would be true, regardless if their was a God or not, it would be presumed.
My point is, if he really does believe in doing the right thing, he must have a source of correctness that is not habited within him, or within any collective group of people, or anything else which is changeable, variable, flawed, or losable. It must be from a source outside of that. Barring God, all other things we know fail to sustain any such permanency. Further, from the few things he did indicate were good, I suggested that these were Christian based, some dating to the Jewish faith. I asked why he and his non-believing cohorts had not arrived at their own principles of good and evil, written a book, and developed a following based on even simple principles (say, Confucianism) which lasted any significant time or where sustainable in all environments.
I suggested that every attempt to create such a system failed, to be remanded to history, and every attempt at legalizing morality (with or without well meaning or poorly proposed invocations of God) failed, and miserably. The more stringently enforced, such as communism, socialism, feminism, Islam, Calvinism (the first police state, Protestantism meets (creates?) socialism perhaps), and others all failed or are about to fail, yet have left un-Godly amounts of pain, social chaos, torture, murder, and mass murder in their wake. Some have been so atrocious that they are being unwritten as we speak (try to find pictures of the U.S.S.R.’s horrors on the web, look up Stalin in many dictionaries… a state leader of the former U.S.S.R.).
I did have another thought. He doubts God because of tests and trials, evil in the world, and the darkness that comes for him at times. I sense this, see it clearly, and know it myself. I would suggest this, though. As we entertain a difficult and arduous education, are we not paying very good money to be very sorely tested? Are we not groveling before books and writing on reams of paper in the hopes of a simple understanding and functional use? Could we possibly be doing this merely for money? No, we are doing what we can, probably should, and to be right with a world. We are gaining mastery to become new scientific artists based on a truth that if you can, you might have a moral obligation to do so. If we do this for the material world, why would we expect less from an extra-worldly teacher, especially our immortal Father? Perhaps I cannot always see why I should know the pains, doubts, troubles, and toils I know, but my faith that my Father has a reason for this, and my loving faith in my “brother” cum Savior to save me in spite of myself never fails. If I must cry to him at times, whether at times I fear Father so speak to “Brother”, or am angry at “Brother” so seek the Spirit, this does not diminish the full truth. And, yes, I am tested most sorely, I am beset, I cannot trust many who I give honest trust, yet I can trust that being my best is worthy if only to God.
I do not worry for him, or his. I do hope he finds his way home. It is cold out there. It is alone. It is evil, and often. Even in the fold, our hands, eyes, and perception may deceive us should we fall to sloth, lust, greed, or the others. Yet within the fold, it is easier and quicker to sense error and correct it. And to know we can only correct our own erroneous ways. I hope all find a home, or at least the capacity for good, love in it’s purer form, and perhaps see rightness as it is, not as the candy stores of Ought to Be.
Be well.
How dare they?
Well, in mho, they nailed this one.
Hmmm, two out of two.
Yes, I know, silly. However, since these have pointed out things I believe to be true, or within my perceptions, I decided to share them. If it is not what you see, perhaps it allows you to see what I see. It should also be said, that though I believe I am a natural leader, I shirk this odious duty. Between seeing what can happen with the best leaders, the visibility to myself of my own foibles, and my perceived personal natural raw power... I decline, save in dire straights, to step up to that plate.
Your Love Type: ENFP |
 The Inspirer In love, you are passionate and eager to develop a strong bond. For you, sex should be playful, creative, and affectionate. Overall, you are perceptive and bring out the best in your partner. However, you tend to hold on to bad relationships after they've turned bad. Best matches: INTJ and INFJ |
Hmmm, two out of two.
You Are An ENTJ |
 The Executive You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others. Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise. Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow. You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. In love, you hold high standards... for yourself, for your relationship, and for your significant other. While it's easy for you to impress others, it's hard for you to find someone who impresses you. At work, you are organized and good at delegating. You understand how to achieve goals. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant. How you see yourself: Rational, calm, and objective When other people don't get you, they see you as: Inflexible, controlling, and overbearing |
Yes, I know, silly. However, since these have pointed out things I believe to be true, or within my perceptions, I decided to share them. If it is not what you see, perhaps it allows you to see what I see. It should also be said, that though I believe I am a natural leader, I shirk this odious duty. Between seeing what can happen with the best leaders, the visibility to myself of my own foibles, and my perceived personal natural raw power... I decline, save in dire straights, to step up to that plate.
Premonition or mood?
I just had one of the most intense sensations. That which I have spoke of, trouble, seems to be closer at hand than I had anticipated. I sense that the time-table I gave is woefully optimistic. What I sensed was specific, though I will keep that for myself. As well, I do not believe it is the final straw, only the first. As far as how soon, I should just say I hope I have until this summer to clear out. I am more than a little nervous.
That said, I have cleared my mind of it. By writing it, I have set it aside. I am no prophet, I am just awake. Perhaps I am wrong and this is just a mood. The down side is that, until I had this “notion” pass over and through me, I had been in a rather favorable mood. What a waste. And, given human nature, it is probably just the wrong food last night, too much sugar, or caffeine, or whatever. Still, I cannot shake it. I am not even particularly tired or distressed today, until this.
School is going along. I seem unable to focus well, and my quizzes have been getting worse. I need to get this back in the bag, as it where, and focus again. I have a test coming up Monday, and then the final is 16 days after that, I believe. There is not a lot of time and there is a lot of material, such are finals.
I am still considering some of the security measures. I will be getting the new locks installed Friday, the locking gas cap has cut my fuel costs in half, and I am considering applying for a credit card for several things, including a more secure online system and router. This has drained me, and it certainly does not help my concentration. But then, people have to deal with these things from time to time, as a matter of course.
In the briefest of moments,
I saw what will come.
The pain, the grief, the doubt,
like the morning mist,
burn away to a glorious day.
Not all will know,
not all have chosen.
I have been called,
and have approached.
Is that enough?
It arrives,
in time.
It was,
as it was,
as it is.
That said, I have cleared my mind of it. By writing it, I have set it aside. I am no prophet, I am just awake. Perhaps I am wrong and this is just a mood. The down side is that, until I had this “notion” pass over and through me, I had been in a rather favorable mood. What a waste. And, given human nature, it is probably just the wrong food last night, too much sugar, or caffeine, or whatever. Still, I cannot shake it. I am not even particularly tired or distressed today, until this.
School is going along. I seem unable to focus well, and my quizzes have been getting worse. I need to get this back in the bag, as it where, and focus again. I have a test coming up Monday, and then the final is 16 days after that, I believe. There is not a lot of time and there is a lot of material, such are finals.
I am still considering some of the security measures. I will be getting the new locks installed Friday, the locking gas cap has cut my fuel costs in half, and I am considering applying for a credit card for several things, including a more secure online system and router. This has drained me, and it certainly does not help my concentration. But then, people have to deal with these things from time to time, as a matter of course.
In the briefest of moments,
I saw what will come.
The pain, the grief, the doubt,
like the morning mist,
burn away to a glorious day.
Not all will know,
not all have chosen.
I have been called,
and have approached.
Is that enough?
It arrives,
in time.
It was,
as it was,
as it is.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Oh well...
I thought about not putting this up, but... Though the truth hurt, it is better to be known than to live a lie. Though I keep saying, "I'm not a writer.", "I write for me.", etc., I had some hope that I actually could write. Well, I'll have to "write for me" I guess.
Cash Advance Loans
Fallen From Grace…
What is Evil? In the Christian sense, it would most easily be defined as being without God. In Buddhism, it might be described by a dark karma. In Zen, it might be declared as having the taint of worldliness. But in the modern secular world we live in, the majority world in spite of Christian lip service, it is most closely associated with a lack of achievement. If nothing else, this defines one of the secular mortal sins. The attainment of wealth, power, or prestige are the graces of this new order (it is actually quite an ancient system, it just seems new as it rotates in and out of power and favor, dancing in, around, and sometimes amorally with morality based power systems). In this current paradigm, I have fallen from grace. I will never attain, and far from just sinning, I am in a static state of secular sin. I am, in essence, dead to the world, for it’s part.
There are many such as myself, if we are the vast minority. Cripples, of various sorts, that is what I am, of this I thusly write. There are few, however, with my capacity to think, my ability to see well that which is around me, the voice to speak of that which I think and see, and the means (financial support) such that I do not need to beg and live under a bridge, though that is becoming more difficult. Living under a bridge, or in my case, in a forest, is being brought on by an understanding that broken things are not welcome. Further, broken things which do not then bend to secular “truths” have become an abomination in current trends. If I am not strong enough to enact my will yet unwilling to bend, I will be attacked, in many ways, by what is left of society. Fortunately, I remain too strong to kill, outright, too cagey to be tricked or trapped, probably, and not really reachable by their other special case methods.
It would be nice to have a community. A community of the broken. Those who have been rag dolls in the storms of reality. A place for the beaten and torn, abused, misused, traumatized, and shamed. However, I could find that under the bridge. So, it really needs to be more. I guess I am looking for the other gothics. The artistic intelligent aware moral (if confused about morality, a tiny bit) individuals who have become what we are, not as a form of social disregard or counter-culture boutique, but because it is simply who we are. I do not think most of us just decided to go medieval retro, most of us were sensitive individuals who were given no space for that. I have known war and sex since before I was in school, yet this was not my nature, not my inner nature. The memory of having sex with a particular girl when I was six while thinking about infinity pops up in my mind, once in a while. Probably because the thing is so off. My flesh fit well in a brutal carnal world, a world I learned accidentally to transcend. It is coming back together, now. I no longer truly transcend, blind to the beast I inhabit and it’s tedious and potentially psychically torturous-to-me “wet works” de jour. Now it is more like a floaty thing. I am aware, but, mostly, inured and passive. I trust it to do it’s thing rightly and morally, it trusts me to not interfere and to be able to cope (finally, I’m am back at my own “big people’s table”), and life has become easier. Still, having friends who have some comprehension would be a kindness. Having friends who understand just a smidgen my way because of the road they have traveled. People I would not have to fear saying what I what I believe because of their shock or having something be so far out of their range they cannot go there, yet people who would not be against saying something I see or believe is indeed wrong, and discussing, perhaps agreeing to table unresolved, and yet speak again on the topic or others. People who, like me, are really looking at tearing down the lies (our own, the worlds, and the secrets that bind them), finding the real truths, and looking at things in a sophisticated yet childlike manner. A place to start living that gentler life I was by nature designed toward, with the understanding that that nature was terribly interrupted. Yes, there are the brutish hedonists, the occult lost, and the under-the-bridge crowd, but is there not a moral or moral seeking community of the lost? Can there not be one of these? Or, in absolute truth, have I completely fallen from the graces of a completely fallen world?
Hmmm, Doom’s Club for the Secular Damned? Doom’s Upper-Crust Drop-Outs? Doom’s Doomed Forever, and Damned (Mad About It)? Hey, I am not a poet! Nor a writer. I just play one on the internet.
There are many such as myself, if we are the vast minority. Cripples, of various sorts, that is what I am, of this I thusly write. There are few, however, with my capacity to think, my ability to see well that which is around me, the voice to speak of that which I think and see, and the means (financial support) such that I do not need to beg and live under a bridge, though that is becoming more difficult. Living under a bridge, or in my case, in a forest, is being brought on by an understanding that broken things are not welcome. Further, broken things which do not then bend to secular “truths” have become an abomination in current trends. If I am not strong enough to enact my will yet unwilling to bend, I will be attacked, in many ways, by what is left of society. Fortunately, I remain too strong to kill, outright, too cagey to be tricked or trapped, probably, and not really reachable by their other special case methods.
It would be nice to have a community. A community of the broken. Those who have been rag dolls in the storms of reality. A place for the beaten and torn, abused, misused, traumatized, and shamed. However, I could find that under the bridge. So, it really needs to be more. I guess I am looking for the other gothics. The artistic intelligent aware moral (if confused about morality, a tiny bit) individuals who have become what we are, not as a form of social disregard or counter-culture boutique, but because it is simply who we are. I do not think most of us just decided to go medieval retro, most of us were sensitive individuals who were given no space for that. I have known war and sex since before I was in school, yet this was not my nature, not my inner nature. The memory of having sex with a particular girl when I was six while thinking about infinity pops up in my mind, once in a while. Probably because the thing is so off. My flesh fit well in a brutal carnal world, a world I learned accidentally to transcend. It is coming back together, now. I no longer truly transcend, blind to the beast I inhabit and it’s tedious and potentially psychically torturous-to-me “wet works” de jour. Now it is more like a floaty thing. I am aware, but, mostly, inured and passive. I trust it to do it’s thing rightly and morally, it trusts me to not interfere and to be able to cope (finally, I’m am back at my own “big people’s table”), and life has become easier. Still, having friends who have some comprehension would be a kindness. Having friends who understand just a smidgen my way because of the road they have traveled. People I would not have to fear saying what I what I believe because of their shock or having something be so far out of their range they cannot go there, yet people who would not be against saying something I see or believe is indeed wrong, and discussing, perhaps agreeing to table unresolved, and yet speak again on the topic or others. People who, like me, are really looking at tearing down the lies (our own, the worlds, and the secrets that bind them), finding the real truths, and looking at things in a sophisticated yet childlike manner. A place to start living that gentler life I was by nature designed toward, with the understanding that that nature was terribly interrupted. Yes, there are the brutish hedonists, the occult lost, and the under-the-bridge crowd, but is there not a moral or moral seeking community of the lost? Can there not be one of these? Or, in absolute truth, have I completely fallen from the graces of a completely fallen world?
Hmmm, Doom’s Club for the Secular Damned? Doom’s Upper-Crust Drop-Outs? Doom’s Doomed Forever, and Damned (Mad About It)? Hey, I am not a poet! Nor a writer. I just play one on the internet.
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