The deal has been signed.

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It took longer than I suspected and seemed shorter than I would have thought, somehow. The gentleman directing the event covered a number of areas, costs, balance sheets regarding closing, and such. Along with that I asked several questions. There is no water rights with this land. How the crops are watered, I do not know. There was one very large surprise, and not a happy one.

Fifteen minutes before I had chosen to leave, so as to arrive early, while reviewing my phone messages, I heard that I needed to have some money, in the form of a cashier's check, for the closing. I called my broker about this. I needed a little over a thousand dollars, quickly. To say I was a little terse would be about right, or that is how I may have sounded. That was the tip of the iceberg. I certainly did not say what I wanted to say. It turns out this money is the interest on the loan until payments begin in August. And, as I was driving to my bank to pick up the check, I calmed and just told myself that this is the last thing and almost has to be the last negative surprise I will need to handle. I think, pray, hope that I am correct. I honestly do not think they can change anything else, no one involved, at this point.

The sellers, however, have not signed. The owner, the Mr., was not in town. He, or the Mr. and Mrs., will be signing tomorrow. I suppose they could refuse to sell. I doubt that, at this point, but who knows on this deal. When the keys are safely in my hand I will be less dubious. When I arrive at the property, unlock the door, go in and put my first load down, I will know.

I tried to give my hosts a bit but they thought that was an awfully lot, so asked for less. I know my frequent hot showers and computer are no light demands. Their austerity seems to work in all manner of how they live. Live and learn, and to some degree, so I shall. As a thank you to my broker and the brokerage, I plan on something. I am not sure what... a cake, a minor catered snack for the office, something. And a number of thank you cards, once I am firmly in place. You know, a thank you card some time after the event means more than almost any reasonable monetary gift. People do not necessarily want to do work of the nature they are doing in helping, they are doing it for you... or me in this case. I know, no one had to help, some had financial inducements, others had this or that, but... they did help.

Oh, I do not think the problem with the loan was what I thought it was. After speaking to my broker, I heard the shavings of some suggestions. And, should I ever contemplate moving up or out a bit I will certainly be speaking to him or his office first. I think they could lead me to a much cleaner and quicker sale. Live and learn, again.

So be it. I will rest easier this night. I am fairly sure of tomorrow. After that the world of home ownership, my finances, and my imagination (plus some practical physics, biology, engineering, and such) are the limits to what I can do. I will be taking pictures of the place for my mother. Depending on how my computer handles this now, or not, I may have to purchase a disposable camera and simply work that way. Once done, whichever way works, I will try to put a few pictures up. The good and the bad, what needs to be done and what has been (and beautifully) done. The garden as I create or develop it will be included. Well, what appears here will be dependent upon on how any particular picture succeeds.

Good day:)

The signing.

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At 3:00 pm, or so I have been told. I was to receive an email with instructions Friday. I have not received that. I will call and obtain instructions one way or the other. I like having something to read and take down some notes myself, in my good time. It is another rainy day, or looks to be so. I have not yet ventured outdoors. Hmm, no, the porch was quite wet so it is or has been raining, and heavily. Rain or shine, snow or sleet, I will be at that signing barring death or some sort of major accident.

Fear creeps in as the time approaches. I have too large of a list of things I want to do with the house and grounds. I do have a rough priority, and yet I understand that some things may prioritize self selectively as I come upon them. I may have little choice in what is to be done and when, at times. First things, of course, relate to powering up and moving in. Beyond prioritizing is the notion that I have no idea how long some, many, of the things I have on the list will take to complete. This is a whole new world I am entering. It is a new, very busy, demanding, stage in my life. I honestly do not know that I am up to it.

As I said, one of the good things about the delay in the purchase was that I have been able to scrape together a few more nickles for the process. Squeezing nickles, even pennies, will by needs be a project all it's own. Luxury is not key here, though neither is abject privation. A balance will need to be found and a budget will have to be implemented. This particular piece of the puzzle will actually add a boost to my intentions to become much more self reliant in regard to food and possibly other personal needs.

I viewed several articles regarding raising rabbits. That does seem like something I can do. There is a lot of free information available, I am honestly surprised more people do not do that. For homeowners, gardening would seem to be a common sense thing as well, which would lead to canning and freezing the crops for extra penny pinching. The upfront costs and the learning curve are barriers, but seen in good light, they are quite minor obstacles. I suppose though, if both are working 40 plus hours a week, in the daylight hours, pushing that little bit more and over even small obstacles, it must be just too much. My personal problem has been access to land and my own foibles which may be problematic still. I will not know if I can do what is needed until I am well under way. Rabbits are probably my best bet, as they are not quite as dependent or troublesome as larger livestock. A small garden will give me a taste of what is needed in the way of work without a large loss should I fail. That fear is there. Failure is a strong possibility, initially, whether I do what is required or not. Can I overcome even that to final success, whatever final success really means? It is, certainly, time to find out.

A phone call, a few hours of kicking about on a path to being more awake for the signing, the signing itself, and hopefully being informed about when I will take possession of the property, and then... waiting for that time. Ugh, hurry and wait is just as much a civilian thing as it was a military thing, if not quite as often or as harsh if my memory serves.

Have a great day.

Good dreams as recompense?

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Wow, what a wonderful night of dreams. Beautiful women everywhere. Hugs, kisses, promises of more... as close as earth gets to heaven I should think. I woke fresh in more ways then one, but in the best of ways. I do not know if it is connected to a recent real life phenomenon but it could be. Since I found that the house was going through for certain, women have been becoming super attractive to me. I ought to be careful, in my current weakened state. I think though, for whatever reason, I have been holding off on a serious wife search until I have a nest within which to thrive with her. Oh, but those dreams will drive me.

Yesterday, after waking and beginning to function from the terrible dreams, my hosts invited me for a bicycle ride. I initially suspected I had not ridden a bike for 20 years, though upon a more exacting consideration, I realized it had been 29 or 30 years since I had ridden such a contraption. Still, I did well enough. I did not ride nearly as far as they did, however I suspect I pedaled a good half of a mile. I needed a rest half way through and suggested they go on as they were riding for pleasure and with some purposeful travel intentions as well. After I returned, sore in odd spots, with a minor scrape on one leg from a pedal mishap, and tired as well, I decided social was good.

At that point I took a minor rest, then called my friend and suggested we do something. We ended up driving up the canyon and shooting for a bit. Cans were what was available for targets. It was a good day to be out, though shooting was hampered a bit due to the holiday weekend hordes. Still, we got enough downrange to say we shot some, enjoyed the fresh and still slightly brisk mountain air, and had a pleasant drive.

After this, my hosts entertained at what is becoming a ritual Sunday dinner. To add to the event, a chocolate cake with sour cream frosting decorated to celebrate the upcoming closing event was the desert! Conversations are usually interesting. People do get teased about past and present situations. And the food is always good. From a rough start to a very good day, much better this way than the reverse.

I am quite tired today. No doubt I pushed things a bit yesterday. Still, in the days to come, I will probably have to push much harder. Getting things moved in, on my own. Setting up the bed, arranging furniture, arranging utilities and hookups, payments and whatever else... Life will see to it that there is little rest for this wicked one for some time to come. And gardening... I do want to put tomatoes, cucumbers, and something else in, even if only a small patch is worked or by needs created, but before time slips too far along into summer heat. Ugh... It is time to wake up and get to work.

Have a great day.

Dreaming.

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Sometimes my dreams are fantastic things. Any more, if I remember them, they were interesting, pleasant, or even pleasantly frightening in the vein of an enjoyed scary movie. But some, the ones I no longer remember, are no joy. I know I had them, if I am now spared the full memory of the events in them. These I have been dreaming of late. I usually do not realize I dreamed these dreams until having been awake for a bit, or at least until I am more fully awake which on some days is quicker. The last few days have been rough and today is the worst of the lot.

I know, pretty much, what the dreams were about. I dreamed, again, of war. It is a retched business, war. The views, scents, textures... the emotions... Terrible. I could describe them but you would really have had to 'be there' in order to understand. The things I see there would cause many to vomit. It simply is not a pleasant world. I have no idea, to this day, what to do with the feelings that remain, like a poison, disturbing my mind and body until I can shake the thing.

I suppose I will try to find my way out of the house, into the sun, and take a book of some sort. I am not prepared for Church, on a number of levels, today. People are both the victims and perpetrators of the horrors I witness, sharing time with them is difficult at this point. I know what lives under that gentle or terse smile, that firm handshake or pat on the back. I know the frailties of the flesh and bone I meet, I know it has stringent limitations. In spite of knowing that flesh is but an aspect of our learning here, I believe it to be a temple as well. A bloody mental and physical orange julius for me to consume in tears, terror, horror, and nausea. Ah, so be it. These have become rare, not weekly or even daily for weeks on end. They are not even three times a month anymore, or even monthly anymore. I suppose that is good. As well, I no longer need to view the material, running the memory of it, like a tongue, over the shattered teeth of my psyche.

So, a shower, a bit to eat which oddly tends to settle the stomach, and a quiet drive perhaps. Probably some tears. I hate those and cannot see how tears help, but I cannot always stop them.

Cold and lonely with out you...

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"Don't know if I can make it through..." Or so one of my songs go. Bah, I can make it on my own, but it is cold. It has been a cold wet spring. I have enjoyed it, to an extent, but it is time for some heat. Around here though, when the sun turns on the heat, it does not know it's own strength and we cook. I will see how thick rock walls and good insulation in the rest of the place works as per cooling. I am guessing a short stop to a better system will be a window air conditioner in the bedroom, maybe another room as required. But there is a nice swimming hole not more than 3 miles away too. For now though, cold... and maybe a bit lonely.

I need to figure out the last of the packing. I have, for the most part, only clothes left. Well, clothes and toiletries. I am out of room in the storage compartment, but I do have room in the auto. I did get most of what I had wanted to complete finished the other day. I actually did get two loads into storage, and another minor load into the vehicle. The computer and such will simply have to go when I do, along with most of the clothes, guns, ammo, reloading supplies, and... me. I think that is all I have left.

I will be giving my hosts a decent spot of cash for utilities and convenience. They have not required rent, so that will be easy. The way they shop for food and clothes makes gift certificates sort of difficult, so simple cash will work. A bit for coverage and a bit extra in gratitude. How much, I cannot be sure, though $150 I am thinking. They would not accept more and are probably expecting less, basing my guess on how they live and what I have see from their expectations, I can see where this would be good.

Hungry! Lunch! Something warm I should think. A quick prep, then hot, locally made, soup and bread is what I have a hankering to eat. I want meat, but cannot get enough of that at the moment, so will go light until I can buy and cook my own meats. No one, save Maddox, does steak or beef generally the way I like it. And really thin cuts, often, at the places here in town. Uhrm, though I have not tried the high end places, to be honest. One clue, to the cooks out there, do not salt the thing to death. Too much salt does not make up for poorer cuts of beef. Anywhile, have a good day.

A call was placed and answered.

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Tuesday, so I am told. I am to be at a specific place at 3:00 pm Tuesday afternoon, here in town. I am not sure if it is a dress affair, though I shall endeavor to be moderately well presented. At that time in that place I will be signing the closing papers for the house, my new, first, and hopefully long time to come residents.

My initial closing date, after a month of working on the purchase, was April 23rd. We filed... I am not sure of the actual number, but... many extensions, five if them if I were to venture a guess and at least. So, about 2 and a half months of work and worry, signatures and pressure, doubts and fears. Inspections from hell, working like men, and with the faith of saints, the angles have come through. And, no, not literally save that it is hoped that this is God's will.

Hmm, 75 days to buy a house. But given the times, financial insecurity locally, regionally, nationally, and internationally... that it went through at all is a minor miracle. People, both at the brokerage and in my circle of family and friends are elated and quite surprised. I have told the people who are 'hosting' me, my lady friend, and my mother so far. I have yet to tell my gentleman friend here in town, but I will be visiting him shortly to see how he is doing and to take a movie to watch, and perhaps some food being shared around if he has none.

Unbelievable but true. I was certain this deal was dead. Sometimes being wrong is a good thing. Now to get everything even more prepared. The leaving is less fear inducing and more in elation, which does help in preparing. I will not begin work on the garden right away, though I may start talking to people about what to add and when. My hosts know the places to go for such information, seed, plants, and such as may be needed. As well, the Mr. knows a few things about home repair and such. I am in a good way in an ever better way to begin working out the things that are on my list.

Well, just wanted to get this out there. I have... things to do!!! Cheers and have a great day! Hmm... beer, you know, is sounding quite fine right about now... Hmm... Cheers!

To the hospital again.

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Not for myself. I was visiting my friend, and he seemed to want to go out, get out of the house. He was not hungry nor feeling well enough to go shooting, but a drive up the canyon seemed to be the thing. He seemed tired at first, but this condition worsened. About halfway through the canyon, he stopped being able to finish sentences or even make any kind of sense in what he was saying or trying to say. I turned around and headed to the hospital. I really feared he had had a stroke.

In spite of the expense, the medical care there is good. Really good I think. Medical people are an odd lot, I certainly do not fit in there at all. But they were kind, and some were very nice. The same man who sewed up my hand worked on my friend. Some of the nurses were the same. It was funny, if odd. Odd, I keep saying that, and meaning it, somehow. If you are sick, I would recommend this place, or wounded. But odd. Ha!

He was not interested in going into the hospital. I brought a wheelchair down but he would not get out. So, into the emergency room I went. I explained the situation. The young lady at the front desk arranged to have several people come out to help. A young lady and a middle aged woman arrived to help, and between the three of us we cajoled him out of the vehicle and into a wheelchair. Quite a task, actually.

Initially I was not sure what to do. I was not sure if they knew what to do. They suggested, since I knew him, his history to a degree, and was a familiar face, that I go on in and inform the medical staff and stay with him, after they changed him into their version of a nightshirt and had him in a treatment room bed. And so I did. I was able to fill them in on what I knew, and fairly accurately as it turns out. From what I told them, they ran a number of tests.

It turns out he was low on blood. He had had a severe nose bleed this morning, he had told me, and I guess he had indeed. They initially hooked him up to a larger bag of saline solution. His blood pressure was sitting at about 91/34. The saline drip helped a bit, but he still looked quite pale and could not always talk yet. And, he was still in the "No!" mode. They ended up putting three units (pints?) of blood in him, along with another 3 similar sized to the blood units of saline as well, on top of three quarters of that initial and large bag of saline. When all was said and done, his color had returned, he became hungry, and he could speak and walk as well as ever before. Absolutely amazing. Though I suspect he needs iron, now, more than ever. He is supposed to call his regular doctor for a visit in the next few days, as might be possible with his doctor's schedule of course.

So, that took me from late morning or early afternoon until just about 20:30. It never bothered me to be there. I did not get bored. I had no worries other than that he get what he needed. They did not keep him, so I took him home. Now, I was getting tired toward the end. I have been up since 3:30 or so this morning. Still, that will just make sleep the sweeter. And, I actually and literally saved someone's life today. More, it was someone I like, even love (in a manly way, mind you). He could not have taken care to go in and he would have died if not treated. His blood pressure alone would have done him in as it would have dropped further.

No, it was a good day. I will be checking on him a bit more closely for a bit, making sure he gets in to see his doctor (and recommend to him and to his doctor that he receive iron shots). Once he is on his feet I am going to take him out for a steak (or whatever he likes). I will get him up to speed on health and eating before too long.

Well, have a good night. I am very tired, this is probably rambling. But, so be it. And again, good night.

A work day.

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Much to do regardless of the deal breaking or making it. Packing, my bane and bother for the moment. I need to be ready to move yesterday, as it were. I have bits and pieces strewn around a bit, though that circle has been closing. The Mrs. is seeing to that, and thankfully. I have no mind for it. I know she would prefer me to be a self starter, as would I. But hints of this nature do not go unheeded. She has been married many years now, and is patient. I think she is used to how men are and knows how to handle men in the fashion a wife does. She uses these skills effectively, and patiently, and is pretty sure I will take the hint, get the message, and go do. And, she is right. See, in spite of my notions of women that can be negative, this is a good one. It can, at times, seem too good. Ha!

So, today I will take those hints and do as much work as I am able to do. The sorting is the thing that slows or even stops me in my tracks. Moving this, carrying that, even laundry, are no difficulties. Figuring out where this piece goes, how to fit those in there, and finding everything, as I said, has, can, and will in the future, bind my actions, slowing or stopping my work. But today I will push and pull past my limits as I am able. A few loads of laundry to break the binding nature of the other work, and a few loads hauled to storage will also help.

One way or another, I will be as prepared as I am able by tomorrow, to move. It is my goal to be able to pack a suitcase (or more, put the few clothes not already there in it) and walk out by noon tomorrow. Then live like that until the first of the month. Even if I think the deal will definitely go through, I will get a motel/hotel for the time it takes, more on the weekly rate if there is some other hiccup. During that time I will begin finding my camping gear in case the deal becomes even more protracted. Though, to be honest, I do not think the sellers will wait much longer. I did not see the date given on this last agreement to buy, though I am thinking it is no more than a week and a half from my having signed it some several days ago.

So, to begin. Ugh... Help me... Hold me? Bah, scoot. I have work to do.

Have a great day.

Going through?

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I received a call from my broker today. There was a failure to upload, yesterday. The inspection report did not reach the V.A. lender. Calls have been made but nothing has been heard about whether the report has again been sent or whether the lender has received. Neither the inspector nor the loan agents are easy to find, unless of course they need something. I have another paper to sign, merely an extension to the agreement to buy. Is this the third, fourth, maybe fifth extension? I can not keep it all clear.

He did mention that a large part of the problem was working with the right, or in this case wrong, people. I have a very good idea who the wrong person was, but feel I should not say a whole lot at this point. I will say that walking into a house that is 150 years old, give or take, and expecting it to be brand new, is probably not a really good plan. Being anal retentive is neither good for one's health nor good for business. It all has to come out in the end, pun may or may not have been intended. However, one can always hope for appropriate measures which seem to occur naturally, no? I have it, the scoop as one might say, that the deal will go through as quickly as this Friday or be delayed as long as next Wednesday, depending on the financiers' speed in deciding.

I must admit, at this point, I am torn. Do I really want this? Is this the right thing at the right time? I am 70 percent in favor, 30 percent against, roughly. In the dead of night, or in times of doubt, it seems much closer, or even the reverse of the percentages given. But I know that is merely fear leaking out and spilling shadow on my thinking. Owning a home, the upkeep, the work that does need doing, the gardening I am planning, and all the rest is a huge responsibility. Oh, and keeping up the yard, the house generally, and appearances generally.

Am I ready? Of course not. No one is truly prepared to take command when it is there time. Can I become a good landowner and minor lord of the small plot being purchased? That is where fear creeps in. I think I can do a good deal of the work, organically or natively. But the details, the more protracted and complex tasks (like rebuilding the kitchen from floor to cupboards), and maintaining the yard (like planting trees to ready for replacement when the older trees begin dying), and such... I simply do not know. A wife, I can tell you, would help... and hurt. I would be able to do less directly but more in the reality of the coupling. Ackh!

So be it, what will be will be. I will simply do what I can and live with the consequences. There are no direct and right answers to these types of questions. There is only probability and speculation, doubt and fear, some joys and work. And so it goes, as do I, into the nether of thought. Silly, perhaps, but true.

Have a great day!

Additional thoughts:

If this does actually go through, though, I will be quite thankful to that ol' stick in the mud. So, never mind my terse words. Well, not completely... And, of course, conditionally. Bah!

Medical update.

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After half a dozen calls, some disconnects, ignorant operators, being passed around like a cheap bottle of wine by hobos, and a few people who had some kind of clue, I may have solved the $406 at time of billing a week ago as per the bill, but is now $550 dollar bill according to the woman I spoke to today, regarding the emergency visit. Uhrm, this was for 5, count them 5, stitches.

The V.A., who I called after having called the hospital's service line initially and been turned away from their automated system because neither my social security number nor the assigned account number were found in their system, sent me from office to office three times, dumping me at a message center which gave the number I was to call too quickly for me to catch. So, I called back and went through a myriad of phone centers to reach the office I had been told I was being connected with before the far too brief message was received and then being promptly disconnected. This time I spoke with a human. I asked her what the number was that I needed to call in my predicament. She gave it, then said I was already speaking with someone in that office. Okay.

So, I explain the situation and I am told that I have to report non-V.A. medical treatments immediately. But she listens as I explain that I did not know this and add the fact that the incident happened on weekend. She informs me that immediate means within 72 hours. Fine, now I know. I best keep that number on me, well, no, I will just leave it to the hospital to figure out, whatever. She looks through my file and can find no billing request from the hospital. She suggests I call them and have them submit the bill, which will be reviewed (at least paired, perhaps not accepted) by a nurse. Things did become more friendly when I said I was 100%, her files showed no previous billings like this, and her records showed something else... I heard a slight... change in her voice and her presentation to me after something specific but unmentioned, certainly after those things in total. She lightened and softened her voice and manner a good deal. Whatever.

So, I call the local hospital at which I was seen, this time I call the hospital itself and ask for billing. They do not have my social security number, they have the case filed as workman's compensation (in spite of it being a recreational firearm accident), they have nothing about a V.A. claim, they do not even have me listed as a veteran or with any connection to the V.A. in spite of my having filled out copious amounts of paperwork, them having taken photo copies of my V.A. disability card and driver's license, and having had to tell an initial interviewer secretary (guy, yuck), an initial medical screener, a second screaner, a man who did the work (a physician's assistant), an anesthesiologist, and the final reviewer of the work (a doctor I think), about my billing data and V.A. status. I guess incompetence is the new medical mode of the day.

In any case, it is between them to figure out at this point. I would be curious to know how it ends up, however I doubt I will ever be informed. My guess is the hospital is trying to stack the bill since it is the deep pockets of the government it is trying to pick, and the government in this case is already socialized medicine and so will decline the padding and probably some of the meat and give them an offer they cannot refuse... that of little or nothing. Call me a humble to entertain critter and leave off there. Let the monsters enjoy each others' throat and blood. I have popcorn and no skin in this game anymore otherwise. Oh, and the beauty, to me, to add, is that this medical network, as well, has socialized to some degree. Ha, state versus federal vampires. hahaha

No news, still.

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I called my broker yesterday afternoon. Nothing to report. I am never quite sure about what he says regarding inspections though. He said that the place had been inspected, and that to his knowledge, the inspection was successful. This having been a familiar and incorrect notice before, I initially took the thing with a grain of salt. Then he suggested that some sort of work remained, or had been done, though this too was not clear. When I started asking what, when, how, money, why... He said his brokerage and the seller's broker agreed to pay to have it done out of their pockets. Well, interesting, but... So I am not sure if this is done, if it is whether it has been inspected. If it is not completed, I know it will have to be inspected, so have they arranged for an inspection as soon after the work is done as possible or are they waiting for the work to be completed to call for an inspection?

Today is the day I am supposed to begin searching for an apartment! I have no choice but to go forward with that. I have two options here. First, I can simply find the least expensive place I can and crawl away to horde money. Though to be honest, I do not think it will matter. My guess is that if the finance companies and banks are in such trouble, and doubting the Federal government through the V.A. loan process, next year will not be good either. Once houses have dropped to a certain level, and they remain unsold, they are simply removed from the market through one financial mechanism or another in order to "create" value once again. As well, though many see deflationary flags, to my mind hyper-inflation is the beast to watch (though in truth, watching either one and ignoring the other would be a disaster in spite of the fact that once policies are in play for one, switching them over to protect the other would be so slow and clumsy as to more likely do more damage, fiscally, than doing nothing would be... although here the terms of the disaster may be mitigated over time if the initial damage might be greater in the short to mid-term of the thing). Well, that is my thinking anyway. My other apartment option is to hold out for a rent by the month place, usually dives, plan on taking this over again in the fall, and work it that way. Or, to go "camping" for the summer.

So, what I am saying is, I am not sure houses, loan packages, or any such thing will necessarily be available even by next year (let alone favorable ones, if the uncertainty that exists today passes for that). Further, after having done this much work with the V.A. mortgage center, I am not sure I ever want to work with them again. I really think they have been working to kill what they cannot legally deny since the whole operation began. I get this mental picture of drunken U.S.S.R. bureaucrats, who drink because they have a miserable job, doing harm which is technically illegal in spite of having been hired to do good, developing reason after reason, demand after demand, knowing in the end people have only so much time to pause their lives in pursuit of what was promised and which they swore to do. Beyond, they know that should the politburo change the course it is on, they could be tried for their unofficial ordered actions. What they are currently doing could land them in jail, or worse, bureaucracies being highly populist as they are. High crimes, high times... for another round of Vodka! The grind goes on.

I have been packing bits at a time, doing laundry, and feeling like a cat too far out on too thin a branch, far to high off the ground for any kind of safe landing. No worries, unlike a cat, I do not panic. Worse comes to worse, I will merely become homeless. And, to some degree, I am considering this anyway. I am not sure I will have time to close this deal before my allotted time here is done. So, if I cannot find a rent by month place in a reasonable fee bracket, I am strongly considering being homeless. Heck, if I like it, I may just keep it. I do have a tent and some minor gear. My auto can work as a temporary safe place for gear, if a weak one. Not a fun life, but preferable to year (and sometimes 2 year) contracts, missing out on a house, or some of the other options. So goes it.

Well, that is all for today. Or, now at least. I will tinker, hope the day warms enough that I may begin a bit of work, and begin looking for a place while hoping for a call. No, no, there is one more bit of information. It seems the V.A. is not paying, or has not paid for, my emergency room visit. I received a bill from the hospital yesterday. I will call them sometime today and let them know that this is between them and the V.A. If they razz me about it again, I will raise a stink or ignore them, at my leisure. If they try and damage my credit, I will sue.

Have a good one.

Hello, hello!

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A fine Sunday morning to you all. I hope you find some time to visit your house of worship, or should you not be of such an inclination through a variety of reasons, that you find time to enjoy this day in a pleasing, restful, kind way. This day was set aside by God, not just or even mostly for Him, but for us. Most of His rules and regulations, seen rightly, are much the same. In any case, I do hope you find some rest and a bit of peace this day.

As I said, next Sunday is my goal to be to church. Shoes need polished, a minor wardrobe needs set aside and prepared, and nerves need to be adjusted. And, of course but not of the lesser of important things, confession is to be performed. I do not fear as I used to, though make you no mistake, I do fear. The closer to the time, the more the fear. I do not fear God's rejection, only my complete understanding of my wayward manners. In there my sins become exposed to the light of day, of the light of Christ, and it is an ugly thing. But the release, the cleansing as it might or perhaps is called, is of such beauty. It is always difficult to see through that initial dark tunnel to the light though. It is a heavy chore. It just so happens to have such a beautiful ending that I believe in it.

My host and hostess are, indeed, kind people. We disagree on much, agree from time to time, and simply do not understand each other well enough to agree or disagree on some things. To my mind, however, we enjoy a quite friendly relationship. I certainly grant an honest respect for who they are, what they believe and understand, and that they have come to abide a world in the ways they feel necessary. Though they have some things tended, they have done so by diligence and care. They have tended their finances and lives so as to attend some greater hopes, and have done so quite well. And yet I find them, perhaps especially in their happy situation, to be merely (no slight here intended in even the most minor way) salt of the earth people. I hope that I continue to be a party to their dinner invitations for so long as they have them, and perhaps have them to my place or even out to dinner from time to time should the house I am hoping for not come through.

I have finished the novel I was reading. The ending, it is said, was a poor ending. To my mind, however, it was a good ending. I must admit I had, at times, hoped him to be arrested. Fie, but my anger, at times quite justified, lead me to the devil's hope. In any case, though I disagree thoroughly with almost every aspect of that book, I must admit that the writing is of exquisite form. Though it is not simple reading, it does not leave one confused in the least. I am torn as to whether read a few more of the author's earlier works or whether to read "The Idiot", by another Russian dissident type. Or, to be honest, to turn these anarchist manuals over to some library where some librarians can drool over them and find works more suitable to my mind and station. Bother but for the complications and considerations one must face in life!

Well, back to tinkering. I am rebuilding my browser bookmarks. I had quite a collection of places, faces, names and such. But the wiping of the memory has left me unsure what I had, where to go, what to get. Much of what I had was developed while need was more current. Others are business connections for paying bills and such. Others were purely personal. Thankfully, merely finding my blog has reunited me with most of my blog sites.

Bit by bit, as always, the tasks I pursue will find their place and time and be done or will drift away on a sea of empty promises. There is, after all, only so much a man can do, no matter how great or small he is. Sometimes I wonder that the littler man can do more as he is not defined or confined by the realities of "great men". Which, uhrm, leaves me wide open! *smiles*

Peace be with you.

No news.

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I have heard nothing about the house. I did get my bills paid this month, late as usual. However, I will endeavor to get these things automated no matter where I end up living. With a local account and most of my income coming here, SSDI checks are still AWOL, I may more surely arrange automatic payments. I have not started looking for an apartment, but I would be looking at places that would most likely be gone by the time I went to seriously inquire, so I do not see the point. I have picked up a large number of boxes and mean to have them filled and probably out of the house by Monday, except for a small selection of clothing, toiletries, and such.

What to do, when to do it, how to go about it. The fundamental question everyone is faced with every day, at times. At least until they get themselves into such a rut, debt, or other corner that they have no choice. I know people who like it that way. I am not one of them. Still, a house, and payments, and being tied down. Perhaps even a wife, then children. These things do not fit my life up to this point. And, of course, perhaps I am going astray. Yet, it is the foundation of all I have ever wanted. I know I am not ready, though I know no one can ever be ready. I also know if I do not do it soon none of it will be done. So, I do what I can.

Oddly, my hostess here, suggests I get off my duff and get to church. The one thing, from reading "Resurrection", that was good and which I discussed with her, was visiting prisoners on death row. As I told her, my intentions are not to preach, nor do I believe in their innocents, or any bleeding heart stuff. I merely wish to be there, perhaps to give them an opportunity to choose, to speak with them and be of service in manners that are reasonable, and to be a friend as I may. It is not something I look forward toward. Rewards be damned, I see it is work and trouble. And yet I feel called to it. God sort of gave me a choice, hospitals or prisons. I begged out of hospitals, I have been in them too often and have too many bad memories there, one hospital being no different in sooth than the next. So, He offered prisons. And, should the inmates I visit wish it, I will even be there for their execution. But, as she intimated, if I really want to do this and find a wife, the Church is my best bet. She is right... bother!

A few beers this morning. Well, it is actually my afternoon. Perhaps even my evening. A few beers and I am now quite tired. I may take a nap and, should I get up at a reasonable hour, go find my friend, go shooting, go shopping for a bit of soda (Splenda diet of course), and just kick around a bit. Who knows. Two beers? Sad what a right proper lush falls too from a bit of engineering school and a change of ways.

Have a great day! Hmm, church on Sunday? Not quite yet. My available clothing is a bit rough and I need to go to confession first as well. I will be working on those things this weekend, lining up the times for confession and the Church schedule otherwise. Yes, do have a great week! Think of that, pushed to Church by an avowed atheist. God, indeed, works in mysterious ways. I AM ashamed, if I see no end to the humor of the thing as well.

While the machine was down, reading was left to me.

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Therefore reading was what I did. I have number of books on my list, some of those in my possession in a manner so as to lay my hands upon the novels easily. I have read many of the classics, and wished to continue doing so. Of the books available, I picked "Heart of Darkness" as my first read. Not so much because it is what "Apocalypse Now" was based on if I liked the show before dots became connected and I understood the farce from whence the movie came. No, it was on my list as a lad and I had simply never arrived at the point in which it was read. Next was a continuation of my reading of Tolstoy in the form of "Resurrection". I have read the former and I am nearly finished with the latter.

To my mind, understandings, and sentiments, "The Heart of Darkness" ("A Heart of... "Heart of... whatever), was a fine read. I clearly understood both the narrator and the subject, in finality if not always particularly or specifically. The book is not always very clear, or I should say the narrator is not always clear, well actually they can both be quite vague. There are points missed, as well, due to the differences in language from English to American English, the time in which the novel was written, and other factors. Still, I think I came away with a rather clear understanding, sometimes quite in spite of what was written but because of a sense of how the written material was arranged so as to lead one past the vague and into the light of understanding.

I enjoyed the book, if far too short, immensely. The story is good, as per the telling. It is engaging if not simple, light, or kind in a fashion. What is portrayed are not the happiest realities of man, but often the darker images of mankind. From the subject character to the little corporate bureaucrats, to what happens when nothing happens. I found the author to have seen and responded to the real world in a real way using the device that is fiction. I would highly recommend this book to serious readers.

As to Tolstoy, having read two of his more famous novels, if in my youth, I am torn. I understand, much more fully now, why I was initially a socialist. My readings of "liberal" writers such as this must have fomented such drivel in my youth and while quite tender, naive, and impressionable. Should I have never read in as straightforward a manner history as I read these, I should be an academic today, with flighty foolish notions which mean nothing, cannot work, and are childish to the core. This book has been and will continue to be painful to read. Thankfully I became better educated before I acted upon any of the impulses of the socialist cast. I may be embarrassed purely for having been duped in my ignorance.

The book covers the whole of the atheist, socialist, and other sentimental notions which, today, seems to have infected politicians world wide. The notion of equality, the idea that the system must fail or be crushed in order that something better should arise, and many other such follies. However, even a simple reading of this anarchist's manual will reveal the horrid disconnect from reality, logic, and such. I honestly think Tolstoy believed in this drivel fully. Unfortunately, to my mind, he died before he got to be a victim of the machination he and his like minded "high minded" kindred unleashed on the world in such a murderous fashion. I wish he had lived to see what he wanted, the royalty, rich, bureaucratic, and powerful tumble to be replaced by far worse. And further, to watch the retched poor he said he so loved driven further into the dirt and trampled even more and by the very ones he worked with and trusted in order to bring about such a dismal reality that became the U.S.S.R.

However, in reading this stupid thing, I am able to slowly develop both my dislike in the thoughts in an ordered manner and to intellectualize my disdain for this thinking in bits and then on the whole, over the course of imbibing the poison pages. And so it is nearly done. Some of my thinking follows.

Today, his kindred, in large part, are heavily counted among the dissatisfied children of the rich, criminals, and academics (which I term, now, academic nobility). These are people who have, often, never worked honestly a day in their lives. Reading is a frivolity, and though I do it, I do not say it is anything but a frivolity. Even research is merely a pleasurable thing to those who do it. I would say my gaming is little different and about as effective in the end. Well, okay, I do allow a good deal of latitude in this manner for engineering, however, engineers actually produce results that must fit real world criteria.

I also see the same demand in his book by himself and his kindred as I see amongst those described above to intrude on everyone else and force by hook, crook, gun, or whatever else is at hand, their foolish notions. It amazes me to see these people are no different today, having survived the atrocities of a most recent history, most of them having thrived outside of such. But their collective push to overthrow what is good for what has never been but once that I have recollection (namely the U.S. Revolution) a greater good still baffles me. It is a form of insanity.

As to the rest of us. Sure, we are fools and foolish. Certainly our beliefs can and are questioned and doubted. However, we do not attempt to impose insane human thinking on the rest, merely, for the most part, to be left alone to our own devices by which we muddle along in life. I claim to see no better than the next man, and sometimes will advise that I can see far less. And yet, rather than turning to other men (who we all, "liberals" included, deride as fools) either singly or collectively, I turn to an objective proposition, which for me is God. What do they do, after clambering about the fools in power and the foolishness of power? Why, they want MORE!

Ugh. But what can be said for childish, idealistic, failures except that they have no choice and must demand what they are become the norm or they must face the fact of what and who they are. This brings anger at them, indignation toward their notions, but it finalizes in a deep and foreboding sadness. For as I am doomed forever, I have hope. They have nothing, and less I should think. Thus the need for power, insults, irrational behavior, chaos, nihilism, atheism (which really is agnosticism, since I get most atheists to finally admit that they can neither prove or disprove God so they simply do not know but reject anyway). Bah!

I will finish this book and then never read the fools work again.

Are we there yeti?

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More paperwork, twice. The V.A. Mortgage Center wanted not just the 6 months checks for rent, but the full 12 months. That is in the works. I called my bank in Iowa, the customer service rep sent the work order to another department to be filled and faxed to the V.A. service center in 1 to 3 business days. Then, since this has apparently taken too long, they wanted my most recent 30 day transaction sheet from my bank (now two banks). The one from Iowa was easy, as I have online access. The bank in Utah is proving difficult. First I received a print out of my last 31 days of transactions, which simply was not enough for them. So, I went and got my last two months records, reprints of what they send (and what I am not receiving). My broker noted that one is not for a full 30 or 31 days and the other did not print completely. I will do no more on that account, they either accept it or do not accept it. Then I needed another version of a letter I had mailed to them previously that they either lost or thought not useful. Plus... More stuff.

I have let my broker know that I am done with paperwork. Not even a signature will I go in, give, and have faxed. That is it. I am about to call the V.A. consultant and suggest the same. Further, if this is not in underwriting by next Wednesday, the deal is off. I do not care what the reason is. I do not care if a tornado knocks out the fax half way through, I do not care if a paperclip is missing, and I do not care if they need a signature, blank piece of paper, or bubble gum. I am done on this deal.

The structural engineer was in today and signed off on the house into all of the places he is now able to access. Another two inspections were also supposed to be completed today, of which I have heard nothing in spite of requesting they keep me informed and for whatever reason have not been informed. All work, supposedly, is actually done. If I do not have the news I need by Wednesday, I will find an apartment.

The owners here have had enough. They do appreciate that I attempt to stay out of their affairs, way, and all. But that is not enough. I am getting strong feedback that staying until the 1st is fine (it is not) and that they will keep their agreement (which they would, but not without continued and growing protest). Fair enough, I want out as much as they. So, I will begin my search for a place over this weekend.

Why have you not heard from me? Why indeed. My computer, or other computer, broke down. It has been in the shop the last few days. On the good side, it runs like tops now, the software issues have been fixed, and all is good. It set me back $169, but that includes a new virus protection system, working hardware (it was a power supply issue), and an updated and slightly tweaked operating system. First it was a lot cheaper than a new machine, second I did not lose all data with two harddrives, and lastly it was needed for a thousand and one reasons anyway.

My sleep has been hit and miss. I am sleeping the third shift, sort of. From 14:00~17:00 until 0:00~2:00 Usually in the shorter of periods. I have and continue to push to get purely to days but that simply is not working. I can miss a day of sleep but I either simply continue that cycle, or bounce around trying to figure out how to stay awake or asleep and then fall back into the old cycle after all again. So, for now, I will stick with my sleep cycle as it is still mostly productive. Much more so than bouncing around and not even knowing what day it is or... anything and not being able to think until I get enough sleep (and yet not too much). Ugh, but such is my simple harmless life. Which, after all, is not horrid, extremely painful, or fruitless (completely).

Back in the saddle, internet wise. I will have to rebuild my internet bookmarks, rearrange some data that was saved, and figure some other things out. All in a days work. I guess I have become accustomed to messes and straightening those out, then cycling that way in more major or minor ways by now. As I said, such is my lot.

Oh, chest pains. A low dull throb, once in a while, more often now and growing. Heartburn? Heart condition? I neither know nor will do a thing about it at this time. I can trust the V.A. medical about as much as I can trust the V.A. financing. Which, if you have no clue, means that I cannot. They are fail. I think they should accept my 4-F, and not just as an honor. They deserve it far more than I do.

Good Day.

The IRS, V.A. Home Mortgage, and all.

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43?

I think not. I was not able to wake up today until after 13:00, in spite of having gone to bed at no later than 1:00, probably closer to midnight. And, yes, I set my alarm, for 8:00. I do not remember my alarm having gone off, oddly, either. This is actually unusual, so I wonder if I messed up setting it or turning the alarm part on. I will check in a bit.

After rising, I had a bad headache, so I took some Tylenol and tinkered until I could get past that enough to process data. At about 14:00, I called the IRS. An answering machine, of course. I left the information they asked for and a brief message. About that time the people who own this house came in from wherever with the mail. In the mail was more paperwork from the V.A. lender or handlers, or... whatever they technically are. More papers to read and sign, with a note indicating what was needed to be returned. I signed and dated where indicated throughout the pile of paperwork. I grabbed that and the IRS packet and headed into my broker's office.

He was not sure about any of this either, so he called the V.A. handlers. They needed nothing signed and returned from the packet they had sent me and they have already received the information packet from the IRS that they need, so... I have done everything on my end and my weekend worry was for nothing. At this point, to the best of my knowledge, all that is left is a final inspection. And everything, to my knowledge, is completed for the inspection. At least nothing of mine is holding things up.

As it sits, once the inspection is completed and assuming the completion of that is in the positive, the loan package will be sent to underwriting, which will then begin processing the loan. If that is successful, within 48 and 72 hours later, we can close the deal. I must admit, if one more thing gets in the way, I will have to either add some demands (for the efficiency aspect of the loan) or back out. Or, heck, why not both. As foolishly as this thing has gone at times, why not! Well, maybe not, but it has been a bother. All will be forgotten in time, or to some degree.

And to think that my problems with the world were simply that. No, the world is complicated, messy, unsure, problematic, and tiring. My take on life is pretty accurate. It is not merely my situations, many understand this and live in it. Perhaps more so for those of us who believe there is a right and wrong way to do things. This leaves out, often, expedient methods (such as lying, cheating, ignoring responsibilities, etc). Yes, life is a bit more difficult without cutting corners. The only reason for not cutting corners (too drastically anyway) is if there really is a God and heaven is something that is considered a positive to attain. Otherwise, whatever goes works. Oh, well, and those of us who, beyond our belief in God, like things done properly, legally, socially acceptably, and cleanly.

Sunday, a day of rest.

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I have been, and usually do, feel guilty about not being in Church on Sunday. I am working up the nerve to go in. Being more settled would help, though perhaps just figuring out where I will be could be enough to see me back in the pew. It has been too long and it is nearing the time for me to return. I have it on good account that this Church is not as the other, but from an outsider. I suppose the only way I will know with any certainty is to go.

Today, for me, is not going to be a day of rest. Shooting in the early afternoon, then a barbecue. I have been put in charge of the liquid refreshments. Or, a type of it, if the weather cooperates. It is supposed to warm into the mid 70's today. If it is going to do that, though, it had best hurry. It is rather chill as I write. Cold drinks on a chilly day will not fly and I will have no task left to me!

As I said, I have looked over the paperwork the IRS sent. They want me to give them my last known (to them) address on record, which to the best of my knowledge, was when I was in the Navy. Further, it was probably before I was hospitalized, which would mean it was some mobile command. I would guess a submarine crew, but I would not even be certain if that was when the command was "at sea" or when it was stateside. No, I will have to call the number, or one of the 3, and try to get them to understand. If somehow it was an address after the Navy, well, I have lived in... 12 or more places (cities, more than that number of physical addresses) since then. I have no idea what their address of record might be. Further, if I had used my mother's address, she moved twice when I was in the service and 2 or 3 times since. Can they not take the V.A.'s word that I am me? Ugh.

Oh, yes, an off topic minor thing. My old two blade razor was on it's last legs. The handle would not take new razor heads well, the clasping strength of the device was failing. Now, I did not want disposables, or wholly disposable razors. I have found them to be totally inadequate and a large waste as well. So, I looked for the two headed razor I was using or one like it. I looked to no avail. I finally settled on a 3 head razor, and I felt certain I was being ripped off by a gimmick. I was wrong. The thing shaved through the beard which was nearly fully formed due to my lack of shaving cream and weak memory. It was a fantastic shave. I usually burn my face, especially with this much facefur, but not this time. Close, smooth, comfortable, and as I thought about it rather inexpensive. I think my two bladed razor cost more when I first purchased it, as did the blades. So, if you are on the fence about a three blade razor, get off the fence and on the ball! You will not regret it.

Have a great day:)

A refugee?

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Perhaps not in the most literal of ways, though if a looseness of meaning or a more simplistic approach is taken that is what I am. I have been floating about for a year now, with only some hopes, a little money, some income, and the favor of those around me to get me to this point. Everything I have is fluid around me or situated so that I may not obtain most of what I have. My income is tied up in things that are intangible at the moment. I am lost while knowing right where I am.

Still, it is better to be a refugee in the right company than to be a solid standing citizen amongst beasts. Yes, this is where I needed to go and be. Even if I continue to be a transient for a while, even a long time, it is the company a man keeps that will sustain or diminish him. One's own company becomes stale and dated swiftly. Not even I believe everything I say, so spreading it around will...? Caught myself there. See what I mean?

I received paperwork that needs filling out from the IRS. Apparently the form I was sent was the wrong one or simply not enough. I will be looking it over today and doing what I can with it. I will then take it in to my broker Monday. Hopefully we can simply fax it to them. Though as bad as they are being, I am not sure that will work either. They do not like people out of their system of control and power. It unnerves them or something.

I have plans to go out shooting today. The first since my little scrub with becoming wounded. My hand has, pretty much, completely healed. I think I left the stitches in a might long. The skin puffed up and just got weird. Perhaps though, that was just part of the healing process. In any case, I removed the stitches myself. It did sting, so I know my lack of feeling pain was not due to a lack of nerves in the area. After shooting, my guests are hosting a dinner. A barbecue of some sort. They had hosted meals before they left, and are continuing to do so. I hope they continue to invite me once I move. And, I hope to host a meal or two a month as well. It is, simply, fun and good to have people to dine with, to socialize, and to discuss various topics. Especially as varied on the different subjects as we all seem to be. Civil disagreement in genial discussion is very pleasant.

Well, doing what I may as a disabled man, hopefully an intelligent man, in a world I cannot quite yet claim to own or technically be a part of is not ending up to be a difficult thing. I am even working on becoming a member of the local society and a homeowner, or trying. It is surprisingly easy in the right environment, with the right attitude.

Oh, I looked over the paper the IRS sent. They want my last recorded address in order to both verify who I am and then update my address for their records. The last time I paid taxes I was in the Navy, somewhere. What the... I am calling the number provided, and then taking these other forms in with me to my broker after the call. I will speak to whoever, their supervisor, and who ever else I need to speak with. I am starting to think this is simple harassment and am not pleased about it.

How to get day and night rearranged?

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I am attempting to change my nights into days, or virtually, the reverse. I have been sleeping days and that is inconvenient. Not only with the homeowners home, but with the house hopefully on the verge of closing. Taking possession, moving in, and setting up do not require daylight living. Setting up utilities, arranging other business transactions, and getting help do require a day life. As well, and beyond those things, is my long time effort to make day time my awake time. Wrestling with this has never been fun or easy. I do not know how normals do it, I would buy that if I could, or rent it from them if allowed.

Not much else for today. I just wait and wonder. I have some idea that the waiting and wondering is not helping my sleep. I will figure it out, or at least well enough, soon enough.

Have a good day:)

Good, bad, and paranoid?

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I found the roll and one of the cans of tobacco. It was my deal. My mistake. And, I am happy with that. I had asked them this morning about it, and by how they answered, I easily believed them. I just happened to look out onto the patio and saw it. Then I remembered I had helped move something out there, quite out of my usual routine, and had left the items there after the task was complete. I do feel bad, however, I have had some history with certain behaviors from people with a particular political notion. My mistake.

The house is set to close the 19th. Will it happen? I had been told that the inspection was done. I have now been told it has not been done. I understand the misunderstandings, they have plagued this deal from the beginning. It has been almost too much to track. I gave up trying some time ago. Every requirement met has brought about more requirements or refinements which add to the requirements. That is, well, the good. I think.

The bad is that the new furnace and ac will not be a part of the package. What I had been asked for was a quote and an estimate of savings. Between the owners not giving me copies of their utilities and the installers only giving partial information, one of them even excluding potential efficiency differences, I was already in a troubled area. Beyond that, and to my knowledge, a new requirement for the efficiency loan expansion, was an efficiency audit. That, according to the utility company, would not be done until the 20th. Which means nothing would go to the underwriters until that information was supplied. Which would add another week, at least (depending on how fast they got that in and how fast it was processed), to the closing date.

As to adding that package to the loan later, that would require a renegotion of the whole loan and a new loan taken out. Who knows how much that would cost, if it is possible, and how long it would take. As well, who knows how complex that would be and it would be without anyone else to help, guide, and try and keep the thing on track. It looks like I will be using, assuming I still get it, a large chunk of the $8,000 incentive toward a furnace and ac. I will use whatever remains toward the house. Furniture, water softener, reverse osmosis water system, washer and dryer, or whatever else I had been considering will simply have to wait until my cash funds can cover those needs. In the long run I am probably better off. In the short term, it will be a scramble to cover some of those (particularly the washer and dryer). Perhaps a good washer, and air drying until this fall when I can by a matching dryer? Yes, very possibly, that will be the way of it.

The good, the bad, the paranoid... just another typical day in the life of Doom. But, it's a good one in any case. The sun is shining. I have stayed up until after 14:00 in my move to make days my official operating time. The rest will just have to happen or not.

Have a good day yourselves!