Not just sore arms.

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A grand headache, a bit of a heavy stomach, a mild fever, throbbing neck glands, and a bit of a sour note to the day greeted me when waking this morning. You just have to love booster shots. There are even slight heart palpitations. I am surprised they would give these considering my blood pressure puts me at imminent risk of heart attack and stroke. Then again, medicine is not really medicine, as we would like to think of it. It is a bunch of people doing their own little things with little interaction, foresight, or planning. The cynicism I see there is beyond contempt.

Given that most of the doctors I am seeing are women, and most of the medical I receive is more bureaucratic than scientific, I cannot but suspect that is all that can be expected. All you have to do is look at the studies regarding critical thinking and women, understand that medicine is purely about the patient, understand that emotion has little place in the medical field, and realize the gig is up. I hate to say it, but that is just the way it is. Until feminism is conquered within or from our fall, all things are going to become this way. Feminism will kill me, but I die knowing it is doomed. I guess that is enough.

I must be honest though, when I broke, I was pretty sure it was not something that could be fixed. Even animals know when they are doomed, and many have the capacity to stop eating and go away to die. I was unable to stop eating well enough or for long enough to die, so suicide was the logical next step. Given the cynicism of medicine, I am truly surprised they bothered to bring me back. I am guessing it had more to do with the doctor trying to defeat death and prove his 'godhood' than it had to do with healing a patient. Or, at least, medicine tries to be blind to who it heals as much as modern law tries to ignore as much as possible when delivering "justice". I live in a failed society, though that is nothing new.

Frustrated, every time I go there, of course. Still, I am pleased to have had a chance to find redemption. I am happy to live even this secluded, partial, odd life I have left to me. I suppose I am more frustrated that now that I have it and now that I have seen medicine can actually help, that now medicine has turned away from what did work. Or at least it worked better than anything I have ever seen in 20 years of a gimped life. I almost had a half of a full life and my blood pressure was down to 140's over 90's. That was not good enough for them, so now nothing is considered better by them. You have to see my frustration. I have considered taking matters into my own hands. As I have said, however, I know that will lead to very bad things. I cannot reliably self medicate. I have to have oversight, oversight I can trust. As I would kill to save another from damaging their soul further on this plain, I would die rather than see myself become a monster.

Well, back to tinkering. At least I was able to wake this morning. And I will probably do some more in the kitchen, finish laundry, and do a few other things. Small things, but they are the world to me. Just a little function. It is not all I want, but I will take the little gifts as I may. Good day.

Both arms.

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Not satisfied with giving me one shot, I got two. A flu shot and a multi-immunization. Tb, whooping cough, and something else. Those needles go in a long way. And, of course, both arms are sore. Of course. The doctor I visited was just another primary care. Told me the same thing every doctor and nurse practitioner I have seen here has said. Sadly, I think it is scrubs again. Something about, just take your pills and be happy. And, your exhaustion is due to psychological issues. After suggesting that the happy pills do not work and that I cannot take the hbp pills, she just rinsed and repeated. They have no ears. Do they cut these doctors out of styrofoam, each exact in every way? No worries. I did do some blood work, after all. Thankfully there was no need for fasting. And, I will, now, take do the 24 hour urinalysis. High salt until I begin the thing Sunday, and throughout that day. So, really, no good news.

I did check with the clinics (available) that I missed to reschedule. I see psych on Monday, Renal was not available to visit (only exists on Tuesdays), and I tried to reschedule the MIR on one of my organs or other but they could not do so without an okay from Renal. Okay. But I did what I could.

I have figured out what mania, or my mania, actually is. It comes down to the fact that I had to try so hard just to stay awake that, when I was not "down", and I could not just turn off the drive, I would... become manic. Since I pulled back and just let things happen, I have not had mania. Oh, and being off "anti-depressants" has helped a great deal as well. Those things are nuts when not depressed. And, whatever else I am, I am not depressed. I simply do not function. Well, that is my story. Further, I am pretty sure it is correct.

I told this doctor, as I have told others, the problems are not psychological. If for no other reason than that medicines do not work. They can hit a symptom from time to time, but they do not treat the cause. The blood work I did and urinalysis is supposed to be an actual examination of the physical, looking for problems in a number of areas. Oh, this doctor asked if they had not done a solid physical check when I first became ill. I said no. I was suicidal so was branded a psych problem, medical was bypassed completely. (Why would someone who just lost their career and ability to simply wake up and function typically not be suicidal, by the way? Normal response to an abnormal situation, at least to my thinking.)

I did call my friend as I was heading into Logan. He was happy to go out for a bit. I did some grocery shopping, then, as I said, went to that Mexican eatery. He had a meal I would not have contemplated, mango shrimp. That is the second meal he has had there that has knocked his socks off and he is still twitchy about eating that food. For my part, shrimp ceviche and steak fajitas. There is no room for desert, for either of us. Then I let him off at his place, scooted on home, gave the feline terrors some milk, tinkered to relax, doing this, now to bed.

Good night!

Without a hitch.

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Nice, or as the kids say, noice! Things are being tended, the laundry should be ready by the time I take my shower. Coffee has been going, on my second pot which will mostly go into my thermos for the trip. I called and found that I will not be having blood work, so I will be grabbing a spot to eat on the way. And, it looks like I will be doing just fine on time, though I will ask the restaurant to be zippy if they can. A shower, some clothes folded or hung up, another load in the dryer and wash, a meal, and I should be back by mid-afternoon.

Shopping and a meal on the way home. If I am not too terribly tired, I may call my friend on my way into town and ask him if he wants to join me. However, I will not dither on where I am interested in eating. Hmm, though I will offer to pay his way. I have sorely neglected that friendship, food and free food more so, might help to smooth the edges. Life and friendship is like that.

Anyway, just wanted to "Woot!" on my way. Dang it is nice when it all works as proposed! Later. Oh, have a good day.

After a gradual chipping away...

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I am up before the sun. I already have a fresh load in the washer, the dryer is working on last nights last wash, and I have fresh socks for my SLC run. More, I am going to try and kick out another load or two of dishes. The kitty litter boxes are refreshed and it is my intent to keep it that way. Today, tomorrow, or Sunday, I will give the place a better than rough sweep, and then mop. Another window is here, though I have been working at both getting it and then laying the groundwork for keeping it.

I dreamed of women last night. I have some idea of what indians must have dreamed when they dreamed of buffalo. Herds of women roamed my dreams and caused all sorts of headaches, hiccups, joys, and tomfoolery. To say it was a stiff night would be an understatement. I resisted and resisted and disparaged the notion. This morning, out of harsh need, I strangled the thing like a spring chicken, twice. Just waking up, probably should not have written that, but thar she blows. No, no, puns sneak in all on their own.

I am hoping to get those two loads dry, another load in the wash (which will be the whole lot, so not too bad), get a shower and trim or shave the beard, then head for breakfast. Oh, I had best call to see if they want blood tests, and if so whether they want them fasting. Simply put, I do not remember what was which. A shower was taken last night, and will be taken again today. The shower today should be nothing but refreshing.

I did not make it to the store last night. I often over schedule, more so the more I am doing and capable of doing. I have some kind of notion that being in three places at once, and busy in each place, is possible. Well, innit? Well, no. It isnnit. Ha. What I did yesterday was good though, and I am hoping to do the shopping on the way home. I will offer myself the treat of a meal at my favorite Mexican restaurant if I have 3 gallons of milk, a fifth of a beef, and some other things in my auto, once it is in there. Yeah.

Oh, in my dreams, I was asked by a women if I actually could love a woman. Of course, I suggested. Albeit, I told her, that love will not be how she expects or always what she expects, nor will it even be in the form that I might dreamily fantasize (not the sexual here, that is it's own animal and tends itself... of course, and from my experience my animal side does a good job). No, I can love, deal with, and as my part of it works, manage a woman quite well.

I am a bit hot about my guild in my WoW. They put together a group for dungeons last night, a guild group. Instead of taking the people who have put time into gearing their toons, leveling, and taking the hard knocks of learning their skill and doing random pickup games (pugs) in normal and heroic mode, they took their old friends. So be it. For me, it means looking for another guild. Or, perhaps, rolling my own though that would be more a long term thing I am not so interested in. If I had not been working with and for the guild a lot lately, I could even oversee that a bit. But I have been doing guild runs for lesser achieves, I have been helping other toons (characters) in the guild with this and that, and I have been working my toon heavily. They have lost a potentially excellent member. They did not even bother to tell me that the group was full. They just filled it, went, and left several of us hanging for over a half hour. Rude.

Well, on to a bit of tinkering while the drier dries, the washer washes, and pop-o and kittehs take in the full spectrum of consciousness, life, and each other... Oh... here, kitteh, kitteh, kitteh... Bah, she is being funny today and Sam is like I usually am in the morning. I ought to offer her some morning coffee too. Later.

A bit more, and more to do.

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Dishes are dragging on, but being done a bit at a time. I have mostly pots and pans left. Ugh! When all else fails, grunt. I will do another batch or two yet tonight. As well, laundry is on the menu. I need clean clothes for my trip tomorrow. And, one last thing. A shopping trip. Milk is a needed commodity, as is meat. Both of which are missing in my home. The one pot that is clean will be used to make rice tomorrow. If I get enough other pots tonight, I might make a batch of beans as well, starting the soaking process before I go to bed. My appointment is early afternoon, so I should be good for it. All of that is already underway, so I have high hopes. The kitchen was even swept and a few other minor details tended... in a rough for now sort of way.

In my recent dreams, I have been looking at people. Mostly watching as they, and myself, make decisions. There are intricacies and personal tastes, but these usually are not compelling enough to cover for really poor decision making. If there is something that can at least be given some blame, it is that people really are overwhelmed by choices, moral imperatives, and details of how life is supposed to be but is not, leaving us gasping for just a bit of peace and quiet. When one side is not poking you in the eye, another is kicking you in the shins, and there seem to be an infinite number of sides, none of which you are on or on well enough not to get poked in the eye. Just a bit of thought.

Well, back to it. Actually, I am mid-cycle on everything so I get to tinker for about an hour. Good night.

Pushing it.

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Maybe a little too hard. I do that when I can. A good dinner, more dishes done on balance, and a shove toward a regular day to night schedule. I am twitching, mind you. Staying up way later than I wanted for the second day in a row has left me a bit out of it. But that is what has to be done. No pain no sleep no gain. Ouch, and I mean that.

Tomorrow I do hope to finish the dishes, do a few loads of laundry, and sweep a bit. Nothing much... Just more. Friday is my drive to SLC. A thing I never really look forward to doing. Something I want to do, though, and need to do, probably. My mother called. One of her dear friends, someone who visited every day, died. It is being called a massive heart attach, though she has other suspicions... if natural as well. When you are poor, they just guess and bury you. Unless you live near a "learning college", in which case they process you like a beef carcass. I, from knowing him, am sure that being ignored was the better part of things. I worry about her when certain people die. I will, as I promised her, pray for his soul. But I will pray for her too. As people age, they lose more and more. Old hurts come back. The ghosts can become all they know. The world becomes smaller. So, I pray.

Have a good night. Sleep well and all that jazz. I know I will sleep like a dead man.

Speaking of chuck roast...

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I think I will just make me one. No, not for one sitting. I suspect it will last three meals and maybe a snack. It has been a while since I cooked. The dishes were in the way. I have done three fourths of them, and have the last batch soaking. They have been soaking for a bit. So, while the roast cooks, the cats fight, and the world spins, I might just finish those dishes. Once done, I may then begin my beans and rice regimen again. I know, it is plain. But it is easy, works in batches, and ensures I have something solid to eat even on days when nothing is working. A little milk and the micro revive rice and beans, together or apart. Add some meat to one or either and it's a feast. Butter, milk, sweetener, or salt, pepper, and spice make for some variety. And, after eating those things for so long, I am still not tired of them. Well, on to it I suppose.

I have an appointment Friday. It was supposed to be last week, but I rescheduled. I had some kind of stomach issue, that along with my sleep problems, made getting there beyond my ability. It is with the people who will oversee a medical plan for my high blood pressure. Since the doctors ignore what they just agreed to do (or not do), I need someone who can and will shut them down. I missed psychology too, but will reschedule that. They may actually hold a piece of the puzzle if they are not too twittery about it. It depends on what sort of therapy they have in mind, as I said.

Well, on to supper. Have a great day.

Cats, by the way, are three quarters insane.

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The last quarter is mostly feral, with just a spice of civility as a cover to the mad little book which they are. They do not need a reason to do anything, nor do they usually look for a reason. Sassy, especially, just makes up reasons to attack the curtains. Why, they are there, are they not? Reason enough to be sure, if you are a cat. Sam is still insane, she just does not feel the need to always act on it. With her, like when she vomits in my room and waits for access to sneak in and do so, there is a reason. Passive-aggressive grudges are the reason there. Even if she is just protesting her lack of access to the room. Which, under any logical criteria, would seem to undermine her cause. Then again, socialist humans are even worse so I will not castigate if I will make sure she has no access for even longer.

Humans are some of the most interesting creatures to watch, though I do enjoy my cats I know they do not actually make most of their decisions. Cats act on instinct. That instinct can be nurtured or castigated but never completely changed. Humans, on the other hand, have the capacity to decide, are armed with all of the tools by which to make decisions, and yet most often will choose poorly. I remember, as a child, being first a victim then the culprit in the scheme to trade littler kids a nickle for a dime, since the dime was smaller and the nickle so much larger... or selling the rights to feed, walk, water, and in all other manner manage my dog for a week's allowance... but I retained ownership (a sister, for three weeks, until our parents found out).

Adults seem very little better at these things. Including myself, though I am working on one part of it and some of that was sort of necessity. Oh, what is that? Credit cards, or really debt of any kind. How much you pay in interest is often double, triple, and more than what the item you purchase was worth. And, the worth of items goes up, at least initially, to cover demand. And, demand keeps increasing as debt is eased. So, you are paying more and more for less and less and never getting out of that hole. I do know people who owe more than I could pay off in a lifetime who make far less than myself. My house, sure. The rest is being slowly paid down. One gone last month. I did incur more, but needed lawnmower, weed whip, and a few other things. Need was not negotiable and other options (in my opinion) would have ended up costing more in both cash and headache (buying used, unless you know what you are doing, is foolish... the nickle for the dime thing).

Then again, there are people who should know, by now, that Democrats are purely against the constitution and the bill of rights. Republicans might not be always for them or with them, but they are not specifically against them. And yet, they keep voting for people who are exactly against everything the people are screeching about being the problem. They pick strawmen as their real enemies and ignore the only people with the power to make any real changes. My mother thinks it is the rich people taking away her rights. She is a smoker, and was (is) furious about losing the right to smoke in bars, for example. She continues to elect the very people who take away what she wants while screeching about the rich... I do not know... getting ahead? Yeah, something like that. Ignore, pull plunger, screech. Okies...

Well, I am about done being annoying, so will go back to doing something no one cares about. Still trying to figure out how to get going. That last window did close, but I got ahead and have made plans for when the next window appears. A bit at a time I will crawl out of this damned hole. Probably only to fall harshly back into another, but... that is life, or at least my life. This, unfortunately, is not a choice. I have no choice in this matter, save to keep trying or give up and move to a nursing home or something. Bah! It is all good. Later.

I thought it might work.

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I keep seeing little windows of opportunity, places where I might begin to dig out of this world of concrete ether I am entombed within. I tried again today. Oh, by the way, yes, I do have to see and sense opportunity or I will not struggle myself bloody and half insane attempting to do the undoable. Today was the day. So, I... prepared coffee, lots of it. I had not touched the stuff for a bit, part of my preparation for the next chance to escape. And drink I did. I would guess three and a half pots of coffee went down my tubes. Strong coffee, four to five dosers of beans went into the hopper per pot. And, it did make me wide awake. Wired, I think, would be a better term for that. I was able to do things in game I did not imagine where possible. But my bottom stayed glued to my chair. The one thing it did was allow me to stay up until 18:30. My record for the past couple of weeks had been 14:00. I needed a bit of a nap, and am just awake to have a bite to eat then hopefully back in bed in a few hours. Trying to swing my days and nights around again. In other words, it was all fireworks and no fire. But wow was it zippy fireworks!

Not much else going on. Waiting on supper, then a bit of tinkering, then back to bed. I will set the alarm for 8 hours after whatever time I eventually go to sleep. I think my days have gotten longer, is the problem, staying awake full 18 to 22 hours, then sleeping for 8 to 10. So, my sleep, at this point, is not inordinate considering the time up. When I sleep, I sleep hard and well. When awake, within my capacity, I function pretty fully. I just do not know how to back it off or push forward, I guess. Anywhile, supper is beeping at me. Some timers are nice to hear. Good... night.

Actually, I think, I am losing weight again.

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How, you might ask? None of your d... Oh, right, I DID start it. In the past, I would often go without eating for large periods of time, anywhere from eating once to a day to eating three times a week or less. But those meals were huge. The problem with fasting large periods of time, only to feast, is that the body then holds on to every drop of calorie it can, in the form of fat. If I did not gain weight, my body did maintain right at 300 pounds for years that way. I have been eating two meals a day. They have been relatively light, a 4 egg and cup and a half of cheese type omelet for breakfast and a couple cups of stew for dinner, for example. My mornings and afternoons are, again, on the swing, but I do have a relative morning and afternoon, so I space my meals. Then again, my stomach is getting used to being fed regularly and, just like the cats, lets me know when it is dinner time. (If I sleep a little long, Sassy will knock a book or game set over to wake me, finding that trouncing popa and trying direct strategy can have... unintended consequences... *grab* *wrowrrr!* *fling* *thud* Sorry, but I have little control at some points in pseudo consciousness.)

Anyway, eating two medium caloried meals a day is all it is taking. My gut, sometimes sadly to me, is dying... but not of starvation. Darn it, that was the only thing I have that was truly bought, paid for and then some! Still, I do not mind seeing it go. I remember when I could pinch an inch, but that pinch was over steel. Never could lose that last bit, but at 6'4", 240, benching 550, I was wearing size 31 waist. Yeah, so shut it. I know what a man can be, and lose. I will never be there again, but I did have a zenith like few men ever will. Sad, to think back on that and then look in the mirror, especially being crippled. Actually, it used to cause rage in me, which would push me to manic attempts to... walk. *sigh* That... did not help. Age and wisdom have allowed me to just remember and enjoy having had such a time. Still, losing some of that gut is not all bad to me.

Well, just waking up so I will get on with that. Good... well, day.

The death of the dollar!

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Oh really? I keep hearing about this. The dollar is finished. China will... find something else. Oil will be denominated in... something else. What, exactly? The Euro perhaps? Not a chance. It is destined not to decline but to irrevocably default in less than a decade most likely. All it will take is one or two minor financially troubled nations pulling out of the Euro, leaving their debt of course, for that deck of cards to crumble. With the rioting going on, simple fear of the peasants might leave no option. Chinese currency? No one outside of China buys into it, uses it, or trusts it. Even the Chinese government uses it mostly as it's play thing. They would never invest in their own currency. Oil, gold, silver, platinum? No, all of those are too volatile. Those markets are driven by the rich, for the rich. Even China knows better than to bet against their supposed allies, such as Soros.

The dollar is and will continue to decline. There is no doubt. But to decline may be far better than increase in value. Ask Europeans. Even setting aside the worry about the actual collapse of the Euro, just going by the relative worth of the Euro, it becomes difficult for the average man to split his dollar around. There is no latitude, fiscally speaking, for those on the margins of the economic world. Of course, devaluing such as what happened to the peso is the other side. I do not see that happening any time soon.

So, what is the answer? The answer is, the world goes into economic decline. It is global and will remain so. It looks like those in power have decided rather than to climb up, as a nation here in the US and more broadly world wide, it is better to decline. Governments, worldwide, are doing everything they can to stifle economic growth. Some billionaires are in on it. They get their margins and do not really like competition anyway. But the dollar is not going anywhere soon. It is merely being adjusted to world standards (of poverty). It will probably remain the standard for at least the foreseeable future.

Of course, unless we change politicians and get a good grip on the ears we replace these fobs with, expect a lifestyle not unlike that lived by those in China and Russia. Most will be on the brink of starvation with elites living like kings. Odd, in a nation used to living well, that so many would hand it over in the hopes of some sick notion like diversity. Most are so into their bags of junk (pot, porn, abortion, feminism and other egalitarian socialist ideals, take your pick) that they cannot even see the lies they preach. They are so into it and the untruthful world they have built around the junk of life that they literally cannot and will not see that who they are voting for and what they support has to by necessity of design take away their goodies. Socialism does not have enough to allow for such things. It is on the wrong side of the margins. If anything, that is the shiny side of the coin. Then again, nothing shines in hell quite like 30 pieces of worthless silver by which any man can sell everything. I guess I am saying, in other words, that shiny in some instances is fools gold. Again, put a bit more simply, the bright side of this is not so bright for the cost.

Bah! I need to get going. Good day... mostly.

Things that bother me to curiosity.

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There were things about Iowa City I did not like. Well, starting with about everything, then moving on. The exceptions were notable. Now, organic foods have no place in my heart, only being somewhat acceptable when fresh, good, standard food was not available and should I have the coin to toss in on it, and then more for special meals. The store that sold organics, the local coop, was a place I knew as my lady friend pretty much lived there. Odd thing about the coops, the people who go there are the most bitter, ruthless, nasty people you would ever want to meet... to include my lady friend, though I think I actually softened her just by extension somehow. Anyway... They sold fish and seafood there, mostly non-organic. And, for whatever reason, it was always absolutely delicious. Further, it was, for whatever reason, less expensive than any of the local markets, including the bigger grocery store chains. The odd thing? I found out they all had the exact same source for the very same food. Same source, same grade, everything. Could the quality be in how the food was handled, how it was thawed, or... what? Cheaper, honestly better, and should you need you could also (safely) store that food in the fridge a few days (though who wants that, but life does intrude).

Just waking up. I had fish last night and... it was retched. No, I cooked it just right. I bought the fish in a big pouch, but inside each fillet had been individually pouched. I thawed it slowly (I have tried several methods of thawing). I have not found a good, trusted, vendor of seafood out here yet. Still looking. Something odd is going on with the food markets. Not just here, but nation and maybe worldwide. I am, struggling with food costs. I could not imagine what someone earning half my income must be feeling. It could not be full, not often. Even those on the fatter double side must be wondering what is going on. Life is tightening to the point where it feels like the Scrooge is handling finances. And, that will make it so good food becomes more and more scarce, I think. Yeah, it bothers me.

A bit at a time, as usual.

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It started with just one thing. I did one thing that had been on my mind during a day, and as a planned event. It was minor, I cannot even remember what. But, I did it. Then, some time or days later, I planned another foray into the seeming unknown world of flesh. I planned several things. It builds until I am beginning to do more things. Today was, given recent history, epic. I will not bore you with the details, only that I have done more than I have in a month. And... I am not finished. I have three more scheduled chores and then a treat, fried fish. After which, I will clean the particular mess I made in producing the feast.

Tomorrow? I do not know. Maybe more, maybe no more until the day after. I would love to say, "Why, yes, indeed, tomorrow I will redouble my count and triple the score!", but I know I cannot say that. What I can say is that I try. And when it works, it works well. I hate to jinx things, but I think I am coming back around. To what ends or how well I never know.

Funny, I was thinking just the other day about when I thought merely keeping up on housework, cooking, shopping, and getting out several times a week was so flat. Those, if truly mild, were fantastic days when put in the proper perspective. Odd how easily we forget how fragile and weak we can be. And yet, in spite of it all, how strong we are in spite of even that. My resilience and strength may not be in those direct aspects, but in that I still care enough to give it what I have when I have it. Like the widow and the coin, though it be little compared to the vast gold coin the merchants and princes add to the coffer, what I add is more as it is all I have. Maybe.

Anyway, just thought I would share some joyous news for a change. Be well.

We will see, again...

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I have to push here. Waiting is not working. I am behind three different 8 balls and will have to hit it hard. Still, I am in place again to try. Like a revolver, I can only even try to fire within mechanical limits. It is time to see if there actually is something in the chamber this time, then whether it will take the strike and activate. Well, I know there is something in there. I just do not know if the primer got wet, the powder got wet, or such.

I gave the felines a treat meal tonight. I have been out of milk for two days. When that happens, I bribe them with a little more of the soft stuff they love. I will be going to the store tonight. While cleaning their litter boxes, I noticed something. With two boxes, they choose one for wet (mostly) and one for dry. That may not be brilliant, but that is also not to bad. Cats, for the most part, are of animal intelligence. That does not mean they are without reason. I am a bit amazed at this, especially with pretty much a kitty in the mix.

Well, a shower, shave, some additional grooming, and late as it is to the store I will go. I might even pick up something fast to eat for me. I really have not been eating much. Every other day, give or take, something goes down the gullet. When Sassy gets a little unhappy that her dinner is an hour late, I try to remind her she is eating better than I am. That, I am assured, is of little consequence to the little princess. Heh... Sam is much more laid back. She just lets me know it is time, then wanders off. To be back should telling me once not have done the trick.

Sam is a little smarter than the average cat though. She not only can, but does communicate with me rather well. She can pout, and does. She has moods to be sure. But she can think well outside the box as well. Sassy? Not so much. But she is still a baby. I cannot tell yet if she will grow up to be a cat or grow up to be a mini-person. Both remind me of children though, in furry pajamas.

Well, time to get something going. A little blog reading, a shower, and off I must get. Good night.

While I have been doing nothing...

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I have at least managed to level my WoW toon. From 80 to 85, from an AiL (Average Item Level) of... something to 344 (or gs from 5k to 7.5k), and figured out gems, enchants, and such so that the equipment is top geared within capactiy so that Cataclysm heroics are now counted as trivial (if the truth of that depends a whole lot on the group I PUG (pick-up game... think basketball court on the weekends). Normal Cata, as we like to name the recent expansion pack, are trivial. I cannot always keep noobs alive, but I can usually get even a rough group through most of the ground fire (if they are awake, aware, and trying I can keep all alive). Quite a change from my first attempt at healing. Then again, the devs (developer as we lovingly (and not) call them) had to back off on the harsh nerf of healers (they had restricted abilities too much, and to some large degree that remains).

I have 3 toons (oh, what we call characters in the game, and again, sometimes lovingly sometimes not) at level 80, ready to go into the grinder. The good thing is, since my main toon is doing randoms (both heroic and not), I have learned many of the dungeons. That is about a third of the game. Skill at using the toon skills and abilities is a third, and gear is a third. Though two of those can often overcome one of those, to a degree.

Of course, this has required that I do not just do something, but sit there! So, I have. Well, the option would have been to sleep a lot more, so I take it. Trust me. I went without gaming for two years. I had the same wants and wishes. And... I merely slept more, lots more. Television does not do it and my will is no better with or without games. Well, that is my update. I baked a little chicken, as I call them (Cornish game hen), and will be devouring it shortly. Dishes and shopping are on the list tonight. We will see. Oh, and I have been getting coffee in, more regularly. I am hoping to leave soda completely, eventually, but for now will keep it on hand for when caffeine production grinds to a stupid halt. Bah! It happens.

Later.

I have heard it three times.

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Three times, I say, recently, I have heard that I would be a good catch or something along those lines. Now, being a rational man, I stop and think. Ah, if I have heard this from three different people, two men and a woman, it must be wrong. I have so little to offer. I sleep a odd schedule. I am messy. I definitely have some problems. I am not violent, I do not drink heavily (or almost at all these days), I make some limited money, I "have" a house, but there really is not all that much there a woman could like. Attitude or how I deal with women and life is something they have liked in the past. Be the boss, they will do the work, sometimes happily.

No, it just does not make sense. Oh, I would love to have a wife. Fine creatures, if they put their mind to it. They are the only way to a full family and a major part of it. Not always the brightest tulips in the field, but their efforts and variety of knowledge bases can easily make up for that (think broadband versus high speed maybe?). Yeah, yeah, I dig holes by telling it like I see it. And yet, that seems a better hook to the free range women I have met than being nice ever will be. Attitude, at least without even meaning to be mean.

Just wondering what the heck people are thinking these days. Will they not let a sleeping dog lay, lie? Both? Anywhile, such talk disturbs the smooth pool that is the surface of my mind. Deep or shallow, I do like the surface smooth. Well, not really, or I would not have a cat and kitten. But that is the story that I am sticking with at the moment. Explain why you think I would be a catch... Crazy talk...

Good night, morning for you all probably. Later.

Oh, right.

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Someone has been chewing up my time posting here and I have not, until today, chastised her properly by adding her blog to my roll. Well, take that you wonder type! You know of whom I speak.

Okay, so my rocket powered re-entry into the world of the living wend ka-poof. I am still plotting my exodus from my frozen wastelands, though I am starting to wonder. Like the cat who (should say which, but... Sam is watching as I write) plots to get outside and RUN AWAY, only to, when outside, realize inside is... has... advantages teh hard-sh world does not, we both crumble. Only, I really do like outside. For... visits anyway. Whatever, I will keep plotting. I will keep trying. And who knows, I might just make it.

The weather has been fantastic. I really wanted to go out. Then again, where would I go and what would I do? I am no longer familiar with that world. I only know one human close enough to visit. There are things to do, but they all cost money. Hmm, walking. I really ought to get my kit together and go for little walks. With the warm weather, the road crew has taken the opportunity to clear the road skirts. Still, it could get really messy with traffic going by. Anyway... Plotting to get out without a plan to do something when out will lead to abject failure. Hmm, maybe a drive to Smithfield, a trip on the shuttle to Logan, and then a walk? Too much time, I get tired and... just want to go home. Very tired. Very quickly. Okay, WW, this is Mamby Pamby land. Ah, now I see it. It's... tucked in the details... innit? Yeah.

Anyway, let me... try to clear some baffles and get going. Yes, I know I am like a kitten stuck in a ball of yarn, struggling against my own prison... to a degree. The threads, now, are real. How do I simply walk away? Stuck. I am hoping they have some form of therapy that allows me to not unravel but to learn to not play losing games. I will seek this. I know it relates to a life of losses and pain. Stuff I cannot see or feel anymore. Ghost threads of teh killerz kitteh!

Reality is knocking at my door.

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Should I grant it access?

I woke this morning to try and figure out how to extricate myself from the discombobulated aspects of my near recent walk through the non-garden section of life as we know it here and now. Or, I am hoping this is the day I will figure out how to take care of some nagging chores and check on some bills and figure out what is going on with the V.A. Well, the world wanted to give me incentive and throw a wrench into the works. The hot water heater is dripping, down (and out) the drain connector where one would connect a hose to drain the device before repairs or replacement. So, I will need to figure this, too, out today... or... soon.

A shower. The first in... read "or... soon." above and you will have some idea. I lost track. Ah, but it FEELS SOOOO GOOD! I somehow doubt people who bath or shower every day or at worst every other day have any idea how good that first shower in 'x' days feels. After I do some waking up, check on some things, then can relax a bit later this evening, I am contemplating a soak bath then another shower. I love baths but, even if clean going in I feel grungy coming out. And I hate the hair thing. I cannot easily wash my hair in a bath. Baths were made for littlen's. At 6'4" and 260, most baths are tight. I get about two buckets of water in with me is all, it seems. Still, a bath is on my menu.

I have a question for you. I am battling, and losing harshly, my exhaustion. The caffeine I take helps me maintain an absolute scrub high minimum. I know if I add sugar, I can raise that bar and do more, on a short term basis. I also know that, sugar is a slow but sure poison to me. My diabetes seems to be under control through food alone. Do I take poison to gain altitude or stay in this prison of ice until it eventually thaws? What would you do? Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the lamest of them all? Well, do not just do something, SIT THERE! hah

Well, on to waking up. Have a good day.

Critical thinking waxing?

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Say it is not so! Anyone who talks to young people and many adults has to have come to this conclusion long ago. Not that it is a new phenomenon. It was just so, for the majority of people, for the majority of time. And, sometimes, it is rightly just so. A man who is living on the margins, even as a professional or craftsman or such, simply cannot afford to dream, not too much. As well, changing how he does things too much can be catastrophic, even if done correctly for the most part, due to social norms, tradition, and parts or other availability. It can become a tangled web very quickly. As well, who can or really wants to reinvent the wheel every single day?

Schools teach people to not critically think. They do not directly emphasize group think, they do encourage it for simplicity on their part. If everyone was exactly equal, save their pet smart kids who go into their pet smart classes, who are no better at critical thought but are more interested and possibly able in a few areas, life would be so much easier. And the smart kids can simply be led astray by the system's pet smart kid teacher. Never met a moral ap teacher. Then again, I only met a few teachers with much morals of which to speak. No, Johny, social equality is not moral. Bah!

Television does little to improve critical thinking. Games actually can, if you are willing to invest the time in slowing down leveling and learn what you are doing to try and improve your performance or tweak how well you can perform. For some large portion of the gaming world, however, it is all about gaining another level, a few more gold, or a new mount, ignoring any learning lessons whatsoever. They use cookie cutter builds, components, equipment, and either work longer or take longer. Though short cuts through critical thinking are as apt to fail as not. Actually more so. Much like academics, when it was interested in doing so, it is the journey not necessarily the ends. Looking for the needle in the haystack rarely yields needles, is messy, and can be frustrating. Besides, who needs needles? Either do it because you enjoy the hunt or get out of the critical thinking game. (Ever known a critical thinker who does not lose often? Self admittedly? Then you have never known a critical thinker.)

Me you ask? I try to optimize, when I can function. But I am no true critical thinker. I like to think I am, I can 'go deep' sometimes, and sometimes I can and do crack a code or two. But I would not wish to live there. It is intellectual race car driving. One error and you are trashed on the side of the 'mind road'. Your opponents do not have pity or sympathy. And, your work often comes to naught. I try to save those skills for the moral of life. How should I react to this man who just did so and such? Is forgiveness just to be given without it being begged? How does God interact with the world and me? Still, I cannot completely leave out things on terra firma. My flesh abides here, and sometimes my intellect. And it is interesting to tinker, albeit knowing I will never know all, most, or even the better part of a small chunk of it, let alone optimize what I know. Given that, there you go. Critical thinker or not, that is where I am and part of how I operate here. What about you?

Enough. I blather like a little girl. But the thoughts, when triggered, just flow. And, the questions begin. Answers roll in, but always bringing with them even more questions until I run a thing down to as far as I wish to go, spending more time than I want usually. Ah, but I enjoy the trip. Good day.

Oh, who says you cannot have it all?

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Hmm, I would like to say God. But, as I see things, He has given us everything including the opportunity to be His immortal children. I am not sure exactly what that means, but taken literally, it means an awful lot. No, we are our limiters. We limit ourselves on earth, we might nix heaven, it is not God who does this. Our sins, if nothing else, have lead us to the failings of flesh which might be our binds, as is my case. Not my personal sins, our original sin, is what got us here.

Blathering. Fine. Oh, but I did get some things done today. Not much. More than I had expected if only what I had hoped. I am again trying to dig out of the hole I am in. We will see. I feel almost like a groundhog. I wonder if they ever figure out it is merely their shadow that scares them back into their hole? Then again, without that fear, given their many limitations, the ones who figure it out and do not scurry do not live to create another iteration of the fearless sort. I do not, like them probably, know what my "shadow" is. But just as surely as they, it drives me back into my hole. Fairly I suppose. How many times can a guy die or be close enough to it to realize the fundamental reality of it before... losing his edge... or gaining it as some might prefer to suggest? A even dozen would do it, and that is about my count.

Still, I will sally forth as soon as I... can? will? I hate the cave. It is a good cave. It is, sort of, my cave. I have friends here. I have things to do. Being stuck, I would guess, even in heaven if one should not wish to be there, would be... difficult. And stuck I am. Sam. With green ham. When I... leave that out too long. Ha. Blathering. Tired. Bedtime.

Good night.