I am thinking not.

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The heat is back at full velocity.  It's wrecking me.  Things are getting done, just nowhere near well or fast enough.  I'll give it until Wednesday, I just don't believe so.  The dishes, bathroom floor and sink, laundry if it needs finished, and a few other tasks are done.  The heat is really killing it for a large push though.  I might try to sleep through the heat, if I can't always sort that out as I would prefer.

The trash and recycling haven't been taken.  Is it a holiday?  Other neighbors had theirs out before me.  Maybe habit... or need.  I'll leave it another day, then call if it remains.

A bit of gaming as the ac works the bedroom, then I'll give sleep a chance.  Later or good night.

A new sensation.

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No, nothing funny in any form of that term.  Overwhelmed?  I think that would be it.

I couldn't do as much, or more what  I had hoped last night.  Other things were in the way.  I did get the bathroom sink, floor swept, toilet cleaned, and redid the dishes... which I set to a final fresh soak this morning.  Dishes were in the way, laundry had been forgotten and it was critical to finish those, and then, being Sunday, trash and recycling had to be wrangled.  I only ended up doing recycling last night, right to the curb.  I hoped I could do trash in time this morning... check.  More of it than  I had supposed.

The bed is *cough* made.  Shut it, mother.  I am presentable(tm), ditto mom.  Breakfast, eggs and chops, was enjoyed.  Dishes were reset.  Trash fully collected and out.  After this and a break and resetting laundry drying or a fluff, laundry, a shower and shave, mopping the bathroom, then another break then into the spare bedroom.  A little attention will go to the room  I hit yesterday and the kitchen.

Damn straight.  Even mostly dead, given a reason and back almost to my feet there is a chance I can still do a bit.  I can't go in lightly and have a chance.  Wish me luck, help, or bes get out of the way.  Later.

Certainly. Right?

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What?  Come again?  It sounded good.  Spraying for bugs, then quarterly thenceforth.  Costs were right.  Safe once dry.  It also gets mice, which the girls aren't doing anymore... probably due to them finding one too many poisoned ones?  I think so.  So... what could be bad about that?  They will be spraying outside, and in!  I may need to delay.  But, for now I am acting as if the preps can be made in time.  That will mean a lot of work.  Every room needs pretty serious effort.

Good, if I can do it and not injure myself or worse.  I hit the computer room a bit this afternoon.  It isn't finished, but as is they should be able to do their work.  I will hit the bathroom after a break and meal.  That was already on my short list.  The aim is to hit the bulk jobs in a rush, then when I can't rush go back and sort pre-hit areas more thoroughly, slowly, and deliberately.

With my recent resolution, which is going better than anticipated so far and this early on, my plan to order a dumpster to get rid of much, to have purpose, and to clean myself?  All good.  Thing is the deadline is next Saturday.  *shrug*  If Wednesday rolls around and I am not 45-50%, or more like 65?  Then I reschedule.  Done.  I want it DONE, so I will be gunning for it.

If I finish those two rooms tonight, I then have six and the difficult rooms remaining.  Plus I'll need to go back over everything.  An eye will be given to organizing and sorting what to be rid.  The challenge as it stands.  I accept, with trepidation.  Good night.

Thank God it is...

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Well, I know the phrase suggests Friday, for my money Saturday works.  The weather has something to do with it, the bulk of the exaustion is due to pushing so hard after such a harsh and long fall.  Still, trying to slow without stopping.  Laundry is moving along.  Less than I had thought, which adds to impetus.  A shower and shave, cleaning the bathroom, after a bowl of chili and a few dishes?  At least a jab toward those ends.

The hope was there to get to confession, then mass.  Just can't do that today.  Back on track for that though.  Soon,  very soon.  I need and want it.  Clothes and shoes need to be arranged.  While the feet and ankles are good, if going to church regularly is to start, the need for shoes for "fat" days will be required.  Thankfully clothes aren't usually a problem that way.

Called my mom.  Asked if she could make habanera salsa.  Asked for no sugar.  No problem there, she doesn't ever add it.  I suggested I'd take a lot if she was up for it, and that while I couldn't help, I would gladly pay to cover costs and plenty more.  The woman likes requests and offers.  If she doesn't need, or cash, or now, she has a string or three for in time and need.  She lives on shoestrings but makes out better than seemingly possible.  Though I think she was happy with my gifts, work, and sharing this visit and ongoing.  She had suggested she needed a few things.  On the way and plus.  Still gladly pay for a small horde of red hot gold, and be grateful for the work.  And she'll love being useful .  It's how mothers do.

I best have that bowla, then get going.  Later.

Cold, for so early.

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I woke around 2:00.  Knew then it had really cooled overnight.  Inside, it read 71-72.  Not cold, but a large drop given the rock nature of my home's construction, the season, and all else.  I didn't check the outdoor reading until 8:30 or so, 46-48 F.  Sun had been up for a couple hours.  Wild.  Yes, that means, on top of pushing the last few days I am moving a bit slower.  All good, this is a rest day.  A very few last dishes, a shower and maybe shave, small loads of laundry... only as fast as I can easily fully complete, and maybe hitting the bathroom hard.  More?  Less?  It's just a rough plan.  Absolutely no guarantees.  On any of it.

A resolution.  In hope, faith.  First, to be dressed and clean enough(tm) for company as a first thing when I wake.  A minor addition here as I write, and something I was starting before my trip, to make my bed daily, changing sheets weekly.  And then working on getting then keeping these front two rooms company compliant(tm).  Some of it will take time.  Some of it has been happening for a while, mostly.  All of it will need practice, sometimes great effort, and a bit of trickery from time to time.  Appearances may be hollow, if hollow can be better than nothing... especially to a shadow, even a shadow of light.  So... don't just sit there, pray!

Already had a few eggs and toast.  Well enough back that a snack is in order.  After that, I may track a few tools such as my carpenter's square a compass (not that kind, though that can be employed in the correct plain) and some others so as to figure the angle(s) needed for mocking up triangular blocks for curtain rod hardware.  Should be easy.  With a circular saw, 2x4's, assuming the angles are good and are recreated rightly.  Did I just read "snack" somewhere?  Later.

Well?

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Between over planning, previously overdoing, and a weather system which moved in, I won't get to it all.  Well, and the dishes... I thought they were ready for a rinse then drying.  Nope, had to be washed then rinsed and finally dried. A lot of dishes.

I did finish those, got the laundry back for later, put up one rod gizmo, did some general cleaning here and there, ate, and a few other things.  More, more will yet be done... just not all of it.  I may be regretting my push to days, too hot.  Ugh.

I'll get to things, soon or late.  Keeping at it.  Later.

Mostly a day of rest.

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The last few dishes, a shower, and cleaning the bathroom sum total are the bigger tasks; a few curtain rods, a meal or two while food lasts, and some cleaning in the kitchen as minor efforts.  As well, prepping for painting the bathroom... which also means work on the wall... drywall replacement... and maybe cupboard door work; getting clean but unfolded clothes from before the trip ready to wash-freshen then tend rightly, plus laying a general plan to get things back to order around here.

Who ever knows?  It is not about knowing though.  Doing, as one may... in faith?  Well, that is my way, gig, story.  I'll stick with it.  If you want, you could add these efforts to your prayers.  I'd be eternally grateful, if I might have a (good) alterior motive to that request.

Get to it people!  And good morning.

More, as expected.

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Mail, after the shower and shave.  As well, I watered the plants also using the shower humidity to give them a bonus.  Then set dishes to a fresh soak.  After mail, to town shopping.  Everything and then some.  Watermelon, which... after a fresh few slices... has been diced and stored, surprising even myself.

Everything went up and away quickly.  I am fried, though.  All good.  A bit of gaming as the bedroom cools, then I'll crash.  Good night.

Very good.

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Much has been done.  The work load has slowly been ramping up.  Yesterday and Monday were about equal.  Today is looking to equal those combined, perhaps more.  So far, I finished the remainder of the initial dishes, washed the last group but am waiting to take a shower before soaking those, a huge load of laundry was completely cycled and is all folded or hung and put away, plus the chicken was roasted... so far.

A shower and shave, checking the mail, then?  I suspect at least three more decent sized tasks.  As well, I mostly have days back, if the heat and nature of high summer are getting to me.

I need to shop, grocery and hardware... window latches, rails/rods, and wall mounts for the rods.  I'll have to do some mock-up, as some walls are angled.  Uhrm, I guess that means I am nearly back to it.

Oh.  Something I found out while home?  I AM read there, and by far more than I would have imagined.  Not just family.  These are folk who knew me, and some of the stories here.  Worse?  They... have conspied and compared notes, even people who I thought didn't talk, I thought they were enemies.  Bah!  So much for enemies these days.  That... throws me a bit.  Rainman?  Really?  What throws them is how much I don't lie.  They still won't go for the Z-axis stuff, yet.  Not my circus.

Later.

Better?

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A bit.  A lot, actually.  Still not back to it fully.  Better is the correct term.

Dishes are nearly finished, from before and after the trip.  I am watering the front lawn, finally, again.  This will only be the second time since returning.  At least it isn't a total failure.  Though I may have lost the jerusalem artichoke.  Just couldn't get to things.  It helped that it was exceptionally cool those first weeks after returning.

Food has been scant.  A good thing as things stand.  Feasting on starvation seems wise for some things.  I am at 260, last I checked.  In spite of weighing more than my previous low I have lost much more in volume.  At 240 I still wore xl underwear and had two notches remaining on my belt.  Now I fit large and have no notches left.  Very strange.

Doing real cooking again.  Black beans, from dry.  I worked with them carefully.  I watched, tended, sparing no effort.  I wanted them right for once.  I got it!  I think one of two things (or both) have been the problem.  Mainly, I believe, I was boiling them.  That simply toughens them.  This time, after bringing it to a boil, I backed it to a right mild simmer.  The other thing was skimming.  Now, I always skim my beans, once or twice.  This time I skimmed them every half hour.  I always check beans on the half hour anyway, so that was just a minor add.  It still takes longer than others suggest, but these were good and more!  I have enough for beef and bean burritos and a decent batch of chilli.  I even stored the beef and beans, plus put the pot to soak and cleaned the frying pan.  I'll finish those today an roast a chicken tomorrow.  When that all is gone, back to feasting´ (´ = not... never mind ).

Bills!  *shrug*  The Lord knows I try.  Later.

The rest of the story...

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On several matters, some updates, and such.

Do mothers really flirt with sons?  Hell yes!  Not with end intent, mind you.  Initially just to pick on us, then to teach and harden us against simple "hussies".  They attempt to battle harden us as they can.  Love really is war.  While doing their various routines, and "shit" testing (real term, look it up), they decide if we are "good enough", do a general ranking, then maybe put a contract out on us.  If for no other reason than that a settled son is a good for her.

I must have passed muster.  I had about seven...opportunities.  None would do.  Two were currently married!  What about practicing Catholic is confusing?  Only one was, technically viable, if only on one of the three major measures.  Those?  Nubile.  Attractive enough and willing to give that first meaning.  Then, being able and willing to be wed in the Catholic church.  Impossible you say?  Cool, I say.  I don't expect to find a wife.

I am good with that.  My mother, at least one other indirect player, and a pasle of dames are rather... put out.  Women join, then go to foodwarfare.  If I am correct, this has been happening for a while.  That is over.  I am getting much better, if still recovering.  No food from outside, and I am even changing how I shop.  Paranoia?  We've been over this.  Piss off with pseudo pop-psych.  I'll do what is plainly, obviously, good for me.  No mom-food in two weeks, and even w/o antib's my legs are water free and new and old wounds are nearly healed.  After those wounds wouldn't heal for, what, six months.  Coincidence?  If so, no matter.  The world is changing.

Mothers, women, the sisterhood... enrage it you'd best be ready to cut them off, out, and excise the whole lot as needed.  You will always be on that groups short list, and that may well follow wherever.  I suppose I may be forced into the he-man women-haters protection system.  Not seeing much loss if those seven women is all left for me, well that and being fed to death and mutilation.

Ah, something about the ghosts... somethings...  I used to think the girls didn't see them.  Turns out?  They do.  They just became practiced at ignoring these... things.  Even sounds.  I suppose, while away the ghosts/spirits weren't here.  The girls fell out of practice.  I've caught both of them, several times each, being startled then quickly hiding their reactions and seemingly putting effort into ignoring what was mutually heard and/or seen.  Little scaredy-cat traitors!  At least I finally know.  You need not believe yourself, scaredy-cat.  But for me it is terribly good to finally have some external confirmation I personally trust... at least as to veracity  Little bitch cowards!

I would add much more detail on some of  this, but the ps4 is quite subpar.  Simply it is all I currently have.

Someone thinks...

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Hmm...  Well?  I have been sent indirect communications, in a number of ways, to interesting (to me) sites, books, etc.  If that is advertising through my wall of ad-hate?  I'll take it.  Okay, though, I should admit... I hid from it for a while.  Why?  Too close to the heart, or possibly.  Example?  While these didn't bug me, they are mighty on-target, here is one.  Scratch that...can't add a link on this.  One was to a book about Pythagoras, written in the mid 1600's.  The other another book, though more or truly, esoteric.

I have, cautiously begun tracking and will start... playing ball.  Why?  Saw lines in book from a poet who remembered me before and after he could have known me... us.  Fine, I will type it in, and source it.  Not exactly sure where to start or stop, I'll do my best.

"They saw the serpent temple lifted above, shadowing the island white:
They heard the voice of Albions Angel howling in flames of Orc, seeking the trump of the last doom"

It does go quite on.  To many that means exactly nothing.  To some, including my secret sender?  It has much to... say, suggest, or... something.  Even the blind who read here can gladly see that a poet (William Blake) has just written some potentially very modern history... of a sort... even if it is only as he and I, perhaps, who say it.  "Hush little darling, now don't  you cry."  You may, as I when I must, simply deny.  Or shut up and take it.  Reality is, can be, hard.  Impossible for some.  Me?  I shall endeavor to percevere.

Enough for now.

Wait.  Thought to update health.  No bloody noses for a day and an half.  Gladly, too.  Drank more of my own  gore in those days  than in the last 5 years combined... hate to bitch, but could have used garlic.  A twofer?  Maybe.  No migraine for two days .  I am not doing well taking medicines, missing half nights and one day in just the few days I have been trying.  Goes to condition.  Still it is helping.  I'll keep at it.  Oh, and the moving thing?  Don't believe everything you read.  Oh, that has gotta hurt.  More to come on more fronts as well.  Though you... never really know when dancing in the pale blue... with Orc.

One last thing.  In the last week in Iowa the ghosts/spirits found me or.... whatever.  I did several things to check.  Maybe it was stress or general poor health.  I don't have the tools to check that (but neither do the "pro's").  I did my best and it sure seemed real.  So I thought I'd have a month off here.  Not so much.  Like giant dark blurs, usuall but not alway off to a side.  And other things.  Perhaps I am simply close to death?  Dunno.  But they, assuming for argument they are real, are with me now.  Want to see?  Literally?  Raise your hand, as you did in school.  Just raise it, with intent, then let your arm down.  No promises, no time-scale.  Though if you don't see anything in two weeks... you probably won't .

They aren't and weren't back in droves, as recently.  Curious to see if this is just a ping/drive-by, or if this has legs or even serious legs.  Still don't know if I am haunted or a nexus of some kind... or maybe just very close (like another serious coughing spell/stroke) from "there".

Well, now that is all.  Good night.

Closer.

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Closer to death.  Every health issue I have is maxxing in the negative.  B.P., pulse, blood sugar, and maybe some other things.  On top of those is reacclimation and either pneumonia or the flu... or both.

I thought to hold off doing anything for a while.  But I had to deal with business and the doc.  I rested otherwise, holding off medicines.  Nothing was improving.  It was all getting worse, the coughing was exacerbating everything.  I feared what medicine would do.  It was my only play left.

Miraculously medicine helped.  I am far from back to trim.  The cough occurs with regularity, I am having explosive bloody noses and migraines still often if both frequency and intensity have much diminished.  Ido have a low-grade fever, not from the leg infection but from the flu/pneumonia/flu+pneumonia, easy to tell as the leg is healing.

Oddly, I have lost 20 pounds.  I ate grandly at my mom´s home.  And it was mostly the wrong stuff.  That doesn't make sense.  Oh, and  found my invitation.  It was for July, 29th.  So either I was not really invited or fill in the blank as to what else might have gone wrong.  I will call if I ever feel good again.

This  sore throat and fiery lungs aren't helping, and I am still sore as hell from the extended driving due to construction and getting lost in that a few times.  I am not healing with all else wrong.

I´ll keep at it.

One last thing.  In two  years, maybe four as things can go, assuming I survive this and time, Iwill be moving.  Ilove the notion of Alaska if Iam not sure that is possible.  Something could dramatically speed or slow the process, mind you.  I have simply realized some things.  Gotta go.

One more, anyway.

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Post that is, while I am at it and it is available.  I used this device to create a rout home.  On both sides is Logan, on a highway 30.  Yeah, I didn't even know Iowa had a Logan.  I also made a reservation for a stay tonight.  Reservations are good, but finding the place can be a trick.  While I was on the machine, I decided to post.

I had mom wake me this morning, to see her off and say farewells.  She cried up a storm, couldn't help it.  All good, that is how they reset, sort, and such.  It'll hit me, perhaps, when I am home and well rested.  All good.  I have most of my stuff packed and out.  I just had a few items for use and wear today, a fan, monitor, and screen to pack and put in as last items.  Oh, and some canned goods to take as well, salsa and such.  More, I am told, will be made this fall for me to take next spring.

A rainy day.  One of only a few since I have been back.  They are nearly at drought levels.  But a storm on my way in, and out, may lead to better things for them.  Not sure they will get an earthquake.  I either get those wrong or the timing is way off on those.  Dunno.  Everyone seems to have a weakness, flaw of particular note.  And, while I see, I see for my purposes, not for... others.

I am tired, as if I ran a marathon.  More, as I rested up from it, and through it, I got settled.  Now to pick up and finish the race is the hard part.  Two days of ugly driving.  A night at a strange place in a hostile world.  Then back to the world I know, or knew.  All good.  I am ready, if I am rather worn.

When home?  Ah, I promised I would get the kitchen sink and plumbing to trim first thing.  So a call, and shopping for a sink faucet, a high one.  I will just have a plumber do it.  Replumb underneath, the drain, and put in the faucet.  Then I will check on fees for a dumpster, while beginning to set things aside to be removed.  As well, I may begin shopping for a big/tall man's recliner.  I really need to figure out how to get the feet elevated more often.  Lots of other things to do, but not much else will happen until I have rested up a bit.  I feel, honestly, as if I have run a marathon and now have to run home too.  I'll... get there.

Time to pack up the last few items and hit the road.  I wrote the instructions, and will by more exact maps for Iowa and Wyoming... rather than the general regional map which simply doesn't have many small towns on it.  I made it, I suppose.  And would make it back.  I just like a little more surety.  Good day, perhaps goodbye?

Getting ready.

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As I pack, and bring it all together, I am thinking.  I have had a pretty good stay.  I know my mother doesn't get it all.  I think she is starting to get some of it.  Who I am, what I want, where I am going, how things are.  She has not understood, or believed, until now.  Not that she absolutely believes, but she is beginning to see that, as straight as I can tell it, I have.  Though as I have gotten better, some of the memories have been cleared up, at least a bit, for me.  I can't be certain about some things, never will be absolutely sure at this point.  Still, she... is beginning to understand.  Which makes it easier for us to be around one another.

This has been a good trip.  It is probably the best visit since I have been an adult, and the longest.  AC, in the upstairs window, the ability to just say when I have had enough, and the willingness and ability to mostly do what was requested... if on my timeline... also helped.  It was good to get her home a little more as she wants it.  I even did finally seal the gutter seem that was leaking and lower the ends to allow better flow.  It's not perfect, just better.

We spent a long time in dealing with my uncle today.  I am on his side, so long as he understands.  A nursing home, or other facility, by force, is not a good thing.  As long as he understands that staying home, alone, means death...  I don't advocate death, but I am not sure a nursing home will be salvation either.  I just wish they would get ac in his home.  He had other problems in that house too, which weren't treated well or timely.  Still, if he is, and I think he is, understanding things, then letting him choose is best.  The homes just want whatever money they can get.  The medical just want a new paying customer.  No one, honestly, cares.  Still, it really isn't my call.

He has had four close calls in this last month.  He is feisty, ornery about it all.  But I think he really does get it.  He doesn't like it any more than we do.  I don't think he really wants to die.  But he also doesn't like being poked, prodded, and pushed.  And they do that in there.  They sort of have to, mind you.  But it is annoying, and encroachment, a test.  I am simply praying and leaving it God's hands, my mothers hands, my other uncle's hands, and hoping it works to God's will.  Well, and learning.  I may have to go through this with other family, such as my mother, and may end up on the receiving end in time.

I best get a few more things in the vehicle, do a bit more packing, then listen to some more music before eventually finishing and crashing.  Good night.  Oh... I don't know when I will post again.  It won't be until I receive my phone refund, or know it will be arriving and am sure I have enough on hand to work it.  If I can find a device that fits my bill, at all, that is.  If not, good bye and good luck.  Just remember, if something like me can be brought through, and I believe I have been, there is.... probably room for you.

Dames.

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I was just thinking... mothers, sisters, daughters in time, loves and lovers, they all share a certain aspect.  A meanness that is ruthless.  It is a bit of a test for men.  If they won't cross that, the woman knows the man will either become a lapdog type or won't even be worth that.  He can be turned into a drone.  Those who cross it, cancel it, and don't miss a beat?  That is how men are measured in a woman's world.  If he can do it without violence, that's the golden boy, with violence he is the bad boy, perhaps there are other rankings.  I doubt if women even realize they are doing the testing, or know, consciously, the results.  They just "do", and then work on what remains.

Women have to test.  They, before doctors/medicine took over fitness testing, women did that work.  And, if a man fell ill, and was't likely to recover, unless he had means... such as stored wealth he still controlled well, or thick family lines which still loved him, they would put him down.  The testing isn't just for that... limited resource use, but also for breeding.  Women only want the very best, more so that their kids have a chance at more, or better, or simply a real chance at survival.

Until my health improved, I didn't realize that even my mother was doing this.  All women, kin or not, take jabs at testing a man, if they get the opportunity.  Now that I am well, and realize some things, I have been understanding that my mother isn't "just a "b...."", but is testing.  They do it by nature.  I... have been treating that differently, now that I realize.  Oh, I knew it with other women, just didn't realize that was her gig too.  Of course, they... can end up crying.  But this is good for them.  They have that as an outlet, for a reason.  Once cleared, they are right as rain and have the data they were seeking.  I think, finally, she is believing some of my story, now that I have come, to some degree, back into my rights.  She knows, if not true, it could have been.  As good as it can get unless she had been there, I think.  Yeah... there is music for that.

A gooder son.

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Not the best son, but a better son.  I am not economically successful.  And I am difficult to work with.  At least now we understand why.  As well, I am doing enough better so as to work better and more.  This last helps my standing as a son.  My mother, in some ways, is old school.  Men work, women feed.

I helped paint part of the first room and most of the second room.  This, besides being a thing she wanted desperately, was something she really shouldn't have been helping.  I simply wasn't sure what I could do.  She had to do the organizing.  But the actual painting was a bit much for her.  After painting the first room, I realized I could paint well enough, so did most of the next room.  This pleased both of us.  I like to work.  I more have trouble organizing.  She is good at that part of it.

As well, I cut branches so that she can park without scratching her vehicle, mow without having to duck, and removed a few shrub-trees which were becoming a nuisance.  Oh, and just today I cleaned her gutters, changing the heights of various places so they should drain better and calking a seem that was dripping on her.

Beyond those things, I took care of most groceries, gave her some money for utilities, helped with the dishes and cooking chores, among other things.  Domestics really isn't my forte.  But I can help, and did, from time to time.

We have had a few arguments.  When it gets too hot, that just happens.  And yet this has been one of the best visits I can remember.  I am doing my level best not to leave on a sour note.  We used to do that.  My brother does that.  It is good.

I am planning on returning next spring, for a family swoop in to see my niece's graduation.  I have not met my brother's daughters.  I have only seen my brother twice since his wedding.  We will, if all holds, be in a small caravan of folk heading south for the graduation.  And, when we return, I asked... tonight... if we can begin planning a family reunion.  I can't do the calls and such.  Not my gig.  But I can be her legs.  I can do actual work, as needed.  Between the two of us, and perhaps a lady cousin, we might yet have a family reunion... perhaps the year after... so two years hence, give or take.

Yeah, now that I am not just a mental, i will begin being a part of the family again.  Believing I was crazy kept me from being involved.  I even passed up some opportunities at good women.  Yeah.  They really did mess me over by lying about the nature of my illness.  Whatevs.  I'll heal what I can, and redo what I can.  It's been good, perhaps it will be better from now on... mostly.

Sleep eventually.

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It never really cooled much.  Without ac up there, I think the high 70's is as low as it will get.  I suppose, with the fan, and getting tired enough, I finally fell asleep.  I will figure it out.  I slept well when I did sleep, if I am still tired this morning.  Starting meds and sleep delays both are playing their parts.  So it is, and will always be, in my condition.  Just another thing on another day.  All good, or not, it is what it is.  Honestly, I am thankful for what is.

Not only has the swelling been nearly eliminated in my legs, but one of the wounds has, almost miraculously, healed since I started my trip.  The other, what had been large tear which wasn't healing, has shrunk and is on the way to healing.  I have done nothing different, for the wounds or the swelling.  I don't know the fix(es).  I just know I am well pleased.  

I put my mom's dog out for a bit already, but would like to shower and get him out for a longer walk.  I have gone north and west, I think... not quite sure in this town but I think so.  In any case, I plan on going a different direction with him today.  I am hoping to get walking with him several times a day, and for longer distances.  Who knows.  I'll do what I can.  He sure enjoys getting out, I like the company and the walks as well.

I promised I would weed whip today.  I would also like to have the dishes, the few there are, finished and away when she returns.  Odd how such things aren't noticed.  But that... isn't the point, always.  Much as with prayer, when they are silent.  Sometimes public prayer is good, but sometimes it really is just between me or you and God.  As with good deeds in general, quite often.  I hope to do a quiet little task or two each day, plus the other stuff, and a few listed items.  It's... a goal.

Good day.

Too hot.

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I purchased a fan for upstairs.  It makes it feel better.  I was up there for a while, unable to sleep.  I didn't quite understand.  Then I checked the temp.  While the fan makes it feel better, the truth is it is still 78 up there.  No matter how one dresses some things up, they just won't work.  I may have to further purchase a small window ac for up there, close it up, and use that as needed.  I know I can sleep at 70, maybe at 72, possible 74, but not at 78.  And I need my sleep.

While I have misplaced some of my medication, so been off it for a few days, I have somehow nearly completely drained of fluids.  I would have thought, with the added heat stress, drinking "bad" fluids, eating the wrong foods until I can sort things, that I would be even worse than before.  Nope.  My feet are down to normal.  I started back on medications tonight, resetting the spare medicine container.  Though I cut the water pill to just one.  I fear what two might do, with me being this low on fluid.

On the other shoe, so to speak, I seem to have obtained a pretty hefty foot fungus.  I'll be working at erradicating that, if possible.  Perhaps the more recent, and severe, swelling left my feet vulnerable.  I have heard that daily, or twice daily, soaking in an apple cider vinegar and water mix will fix it, in a month... along, perhaps, with vix vapor rub?  Anyway, I might give that a try.  If I can find a foot bath that fits, or something that will work beside... hmm... one of those storage totes... but will require a lot more fluids.  This world is not built to be convenient to even pseudo-giants.

I said I would get the weed eater going tomorrow.  She has an electric.  It may not be a single shot, as today it was 90, with high humidity, putting the index up to 100... a bit dangerous for pets and gimps of various sorts, and the young and old.  I can probably get to it if I don't push too hard or long at any time.  Probably.  I'll be giving it a shot.  It is actually too hot to take her dog out, at least until later.  I have been walking him from time to time, for both of our sakes.

While I won't take care of complete care and feeding, I would like to see about walking more and more, and doing some of the care.  In consideration of obtaining a dog myself.  I could use the incentive to walk, and pal on the road.  But it can be a lot of work on all ends.  Dogs need and want a lot of time and attention.  Perhaps too much time and work.  Even a small dog needs quite a lot of time and a moderate amount of attention.  Though they walk much better than cats... which, on a leash, produce more like a drag... which is illegal in many states, immoral in even more.  ;p

I have been trying to make myself handy.  Not sure living together would ever work out though.  She loves to work,  And loves everyone else within a two square mile area to work with and for her.  I have let her know to make lists.  And, if she asks for something, do it when I am already up or getting up, not when I am in the middle of something.  She has done better with that, so far, mostly.  But that will always be a challenge for her.  Still, I think, with a bit of patience and effort on both sides, it might be possible.  While she is healthy enough.  And well worth it, with some pains to keep it sorted.  I just don't see her really doing it.  Oh, and she could go to my brothers for longish spells when it gets cold there, or just because.  I could probably keep up, for a while, if the place was mostly in order... or even afford help for when she was gone.

As I suggested, I have doubts about the veracity of her consideration.  But if she really gets to that place, I'd do what I could to make it happen.  To that end I really need to get back to work on cleaning and clearing when I return home.  I'll definitely be getting a dumpster in when I get back and clearing much out.  Then cleaning harshly and powerfully.  I may not get it all up, and keep it up, but I will approach that and shut some areas off, then hit a room every other month or something.  Ugh but housekeeping is just not my forte.

Not sure what to do tonight.  I would love to sleep, want it, but it's just too warm.  There is the couch, down here, but it is a bit too small and uncomfortable for me.  I may go up, read, and hope it just clicks, in time.  Good night.

Home.

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I made it back fairly easily.  It really didn't cost all that much.  I enjoyed the drive.  I made it in time for all needed.  Though I was pushing things.  Too many hours on the road, too little sleep... just could not sleep.  Typical of when I travel, it seems.  Whether to Burning Man, local or main, home, or anywhere.  I slept very little in the two days leading up to the drive and very little the next few days.  Finally, sleep is normalizing.  Heat was a problem last night.  I bought a fan today.  Maybe that will be enough.  If not, maybe a small window air conditioner.  I need sleep, and I need to be cool enough to do it.

The humidity is higher, but it really isn't bothering me.  The heat is, or can.  At least at the moment.  The drive was good for me.  I have been having a huge problem with swollen legs and feet lately.  While the house shoes are helping, for some reason, driving allowed me to lose almost all the fluid buildup.  My feet and legs look normal!  I haven't even been taking my meds regularly.  Strange.  I'll take it.

I get the feeling, however, that I am not terribly welcome.  I may be being... seeing what isn't there.  I just don't think so.  I definitely believe I am not terribly welcome.  This is the shire.  Even if I happened to be Gandalf... only some of the locals care for me.  Not even family.  Though I was adopted, there might even still be that.  Though it is more.  I do think I am read.  Why read if it is so upsetting?  I write what I write, believe what I do, and see, dream, and feel as I put it.  That won't change.  So... why bother?  

There is mother.  While she is difficult to be with, at times, I am finally convinced that she does love me.  Yes... I... question everything.  I had to.  I still have to.  I've been through too much to take anything at face value, or just trust.  You get what you earn.

Perhaps I was a bit off... at the gathering... having driven too long and stayed up too long.  My body may have just been... unhealthy.  Maybe I smelled a bit off.  Though I really think it is this blog and my notions of things that saw me pushed to the outside and excluded.  I don't mind, in one sense.  The initial sting was harsh.  That passed.  I might still see a few family, who seemed interested.  Most I... will simply understand.

I have been doing little bits and pieces to help out here.  Sometimes an idea, sometimes work, I do make the effort.  I even bought a small took kit for my mother.  If I am going to do stuff, I need tools.  But they are good for her to have on hand as well.  Not all potential handy-men have tools with them.  Sometime this next week, I will even be replacing a window pane, the old fashioned way and type.  I like to do these sorts of things.  Especially with someone else, mostly, keeping up on the house.  I'll even split out some of the cooking, cleaning, if more lightly in those areas.  Just the way it is.

Whatever else, I came to see my cousin buried.  She came to me so powerfully.  It tore me up.  Real?  It was to me.  I got to see her set to rest.  Even if I felt the need to defend myself, and be on hostile ground, to more of a degree than I thought would happen, I... pay that price gladly.  I feel right with her about it all now.  I can't help these things.  Not sure I would if I could.  I just wish... in time...

I also saw my uncle, the one who fell ill.  He is doing better.  Not home, as I was told.  Only back at the local hospital.  I will see him again, off an on, before I go... if such is available.  He is, most likely, going to a nursing home, at least short term, until he heals and can walk.  Stubborn.  A trait of the family, like it or not.  Even so, we don't always win.

I may post, from time to time.  I don't have my own new item, but that may be in the offing.  I did fix my mother's machine, so...  Be well.