A new day.

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It is difficult to start today.  The work in an attempt to restart life, while mostly at least touched upon, leaves a gaping economic hole and a great deal of ponderous, slow, timed work.  It might take months or years to finish.  Perhaps not ending correctly even then.  I didn't see any packages from them, if it is possible I missed something.  But I did return the packet from my visit.  It had nothing to do with my medical, or my current doc's contact information.  I should have kept a copy.  Not even sure what it was about at.

Other business has to be attended before travel is possible.  That has begun.  So muh to do, so little time, health, and coin.  So it goes.  I'll begin for the day soon enough.  No rush, that will be fot business hours.  I need to get ready, in my mind.

Later is fine.

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The plan was to attack hard, fast, on multiple fronts, and begin early.  Time ticked by slowly. I watched it pass, seemingly unable to rally.  Then it happened.  A wave of revulsion at my situation.  Horror at the catatonic immobility, anger at myself, the situations, the denied needs and wants... a rush of chemicals flooded my system... the rust was slightly broken.  Calls, many.  Laundry started.  A shower soon.  And a shave.  I hope.  Cleaned the toilet while I was at things.

I am waiting on two return calls.  My bank, which I called Monday, and SSA which was called today.  My guess is that neither of those will call back.  I will have to continuously call each.  I may even be ignored completely without political help, say a congressman.  Governor isn't the type or in that line.  May just be out of ss.  Things seem to have been decided, visits, paperwork, and the law means nothing to a muh feelz bureaucracy.  Still, I'll give it what efforts I may.

Oh, and Walgreens, again, filled the dr.'s scripts without my consent... in spite of just having filled them and telling them NOT TO DO THAT.  Oh, no refills beyond either, plus potassium still at 30 days.  Why wouldn't I feel under a coordinated attack?

I'll keep at it, as I can.  Some things were semi or fully completed.  A bunch of things were started.  I sure hope for a shower.  Good night...  Not bedtime, I won't be back today is all.

UPDATE:  SSD did call back.  SSI is gone. There are two slim chances at getting it back without reapplying.  One is a ream or two of paperwork, the other is to go to the office with proof of veteran disability.  I never can find the yearly award letter.  Perhaps bank statements will do.  It seems 100% total, permanent, means something to someone.  I will, when I can, try both.  Yeah...  It's going to be lean here for a while.  Fasting was written in on the menu.  The schedule is simply accelerated and enhanced.

Yeah... as in a lame depressed yes, not a cheer or snark.  Ah well.

Chances of action.

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Good.  Probability, either clinical or common, suggest it.  Nothing yesterday, save cat care and food.  Days are being stretched to business hours in a sustainable fashion.  One call was placed Monday, as well as a scant several chores.  Today?  Set for more.  Three calls, a shower and shave, trash out, a load or two smaller ones of laundry, and kitchen counters.  Well, we will see.  The efforts Monday was prep.  I had hoped for yesterday but it is today so I will start where, when, I am... not where, when, I can no longer be.  Nor will I lament.  I will merely start here, now... if possible.

With food becoming regular again, on my own terms, I have begun moderating.  Moderating?  No.  Dosing.  Over the fast/feast divide, in a pleasant reasoned middle territory, cutting volume while shaping meal times is a simple trick.  Three ounces of meat is way out, unless eating very often is desired.  Six to nine is usually fine enough...that buys three to six hours.  Not sure about incorperating fasting back in quite yet, but that is in the cards.  Fridays, perhaps the whole weekends if Ican get back to that level.  Plans.

Food isn't what it seems.  I LIKE a food rush, specifically from some foods.  Sugar starch, even too much protein, they can provide hits and highs.  Beats drugs... if it actually is a drug.  What, sometimes, I like better is starvation.  Doesn't look like it, but I have gone without food for weeks at a time.  That too can be it's own special sort of delicious.  Neither way is profitable, most likely vestigial aspects of my varied native relations.  Also a part of why I used to drink alcohol as I did.

A middle ground is being sought.  Better to be where wisdom will profit the wise, innit Johnny.

A bit more gaming, then a shower, plus abum rush on several of those other chores, a break  then back at it?  That is the plan.  Later.

A call.

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When all is failing a call home provides... a moment.  Don't know when that is gone, can't think about it.  As rotten as family can be, what is vastly worse is no family.  That is available today, and was employed.  I didn't whine, just smiled and spoke well, as upbeat as was possible.  She can't, shouldn't have to, deal with my toils.  A boost I hope to yet employ.

Food, two meals.  Gaming, to wake and maybe sharpen.  A shower in an hour.  A pre-shave with the trimmers shortly.  A half dozen calls it is hoped, and some planning.  Will give it everything available, perhaps borrowing from the future.  So many things!  One at a time.  A list would be a best start, to begin triage.  Later.

Tricks and great effort yield little.

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Extra pain, a deeper suffering, more confusion, so not without recompense.  While numb as the dead I am feeling serious aches.  As such goes it might be considered exquisite, miraculous maybe.  Is that some sort of win?  Or is not even contemplating surrendering the thing that might go into the win column.  Even realizing I am here, again, all alone in the dark.

Staying awake worked right until it failed spectacularly.  I ended up not sleeping for two days, then falling back to the broken schedule I was trying to escape.  Why try what has so recently failed?  Uhrm, for one, try try again.  For seconds, at this point I'll scramble at any and every opportunity spotted, which is close enough to allow a good faith effort.  Gotta get out of this place.

On the good side the ladies are being attended... if one realizes their cats are begging for simple attention.  It's not that I mean to ignore.  I... just can't focus, feel, see.  Still, feeding, watering, and litter maintenance is minimal but sufficient for now.  Food is also being handled for myself, with medicine started.  Other efforts are in the works.  I just need more daylight time and a voice in it.  Working on that.  Later or good night or day.

Rebooting.

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Starting from a better position is good and more. It isn't always, usually, an option.  At this time that is so far from were things stand I can only chuckle.  Still, every here and now has some potential.  Medicine.  Tonight.  Set up for two weeks.  One of the problems is that instead of a three month supply, there was only one month worth of potassium.  I hate starting meds with any part short.  When talking on the phone, or at all, at any point, is beyond my range then having to call the doc, pharmacy, then drive to get it?  Still I have to try something.

Several attempts were made to sleep.  With the old problems piled upon by the new sleep just won't happen.  There was a mild hope themeds would help, if as an afterthought.  Nope, if my body is twitching for sleep.  Nerves are too jangled.  Perhaps dinner might help.  What can be will be done.  Later or good night.

Worse.

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Much worse.  In every way.  Everything that was wrong remains so and new things have been added.  As well, my chest...  The sensation of my heart being squeezed in a bureaucratic fist.  It won't kill me, it is making it nearly impossible to work.  I have been pushing into day but not functionally.  I was going to make a few calls today but I couldn't talk.

I have been aiming to get to town or just place a few calls since Tuesday.  Couldn't.  If the chance appears... a request for help will be made.  I simply can't do it all, alone, in time.  Troubled and in trouble while I can't stand.  They don't care, those with a beef.  Or, maybe they do only the way a hungry predator cares about another wounded animal.

I'll keep... what... trying, hoping, praying, willing?  All the above I suppose.  A bad time in every way.  I can rightly and easily say I have been in worse all around straghts, if it's been quite some time.  Hey, friend, could you lend a prayer?

Some.

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Half of the dishes finished, a few things located, meats cooked, other plans fruiting, if a nap is about to happen.  It's the only way.  Grilling is such a good cooking method, easy cleaning while handy for volume.  Boneless pork ribs and burgers, tonight.  The ribs were a bit grainy.  Not sure if that was my bad or just that cut, for the price no complaint.  Though a means of mollifying will be sought.  As mentioned, at the price not a problem.  Still rather tasty.

Day function is required for several bits of business.  Beside social security, it seems my other account hasn't actually been shuttered.  I don't known how to easily get them money, but can afford it.  Enough to clear all and maintain a small balance until all else is solved.  Ugh.  Why would a check have been returned as from a closed account then? Read here and reopened?  Didn't name names, might have helped.

Nap time.  I can hope I wake in time to wake fully enough to do business... and check on medicine... and something about vet status and house tax relief... and tags...  BOTHER!  Never to worry.  I do exceptionally well, a spill and pileup are bound to happen.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

Cat in a tree.

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Have you ever seen a cat stuck that way?  Yeowling, unhappy, with not enough more 'up' left to them, no food or water.  I had hoped to be well into things, it isn't happening.  I did get to the post yesterday, which required more than just going.  I become hemmed by ongoing projects which must be remedied beforehand.  Then grooming.  At least that breaks things up, offering a new opportunity... if it can be implemented.

As rough as it is lately, that window is... I will be doing what is possible.  Dishes are in a fresh rinse, while cleaning litter it seems that needs a full change, the reefer needs cleared (since switching the door so as to have access for cleaning, it has been being kept up that way... mostly, foods though can be left overlong is all)... small projects needed but also in hopes of priming the work pump.  Well, and a call to social security.  As you may plainly notice, however, my days and nights are inverted.  Ah right.  Not posting enough for that to be apparent.  Just woke.

Perhaps a nap later will allow some day function.  Also need new tags.  Almost lost that.  So behind, so broken.  Good thing challenges are enjoyed.  Can't win, as mentioned here before... and often.  But can't lose either.  I refuse to surrender.  All of these are distractions, duties, chores.  While attention must be paid, they aren't what life is.  I will do my best on these.  I will not get lost in or on that and those.  I will pray, in thanks, even as I curse some trivial, or not so, real issue or even such as a callumny.

Even in great pain or confusion, upset, humiliation of failing (or even success, won't play sudoku again as people... just can't handle such a silly "sucess"), life is rather a grand thing.  An incalculably valuable gift, one not to be squandered or even foresworn even in the mildest of ways...if pouting will happen.  Just so you know.  I am far more grateful, if not exclusively so really.  Don't let the... mood confuse that to you.

Now, be on your good way, be productive, but don't let the door hit you in the ass.  I have... things to do.  *grins*

Work did not completely stop.

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It did slow.  While suffering is negligible, fog of mind has set in.  It is simply exhausting to focus for long.  Even so, the spare bedroom is rigged, the bathroom is up to specs and is being maintained, while food production stays on track with dishes being marginally wrangled.  Not bad for my current state.  Doing anything additional is... quite a trick.

An attempt at homemade bbq sauce was made recently.  Ketchup, a gooder(tm) mustard (not expensive, just well made), sriracha, with sweet spices... cinnamon and allspice if ginger might be added next time.  Vinegar will probably end up in there in time also.  It is missing something, and depth of flavor.  It, though, wasn't horrible or bad, just not perfected.  It has been labelled as a good start.  I am grilling the meats.  Actually, more.  Went full hobo-cook the other day, and will probably never go back, opened a can of asparagus, drained it in the can, ripped off the label, added butter, then put that right on the grill for 15 minutes.  Fantastic way to fly, no extra pots, and actually vegetables are a nice add.  There, I said it.  *grumbles*  Happy, mom?  :p

I have been experimenting elsewise culinarilly.  If inputting data was easier I'd do a major haute hobo-cook field report.  It... is going quite well.

Next, to figure out ss, restart medicine, and start back in on the house.  I have decided to hit the mostly unused rooms first... self-maintaining.  Therefore the basement and upstairs are next in the queue.  The kitchen will catch dregs of energy as I am closing shop, winding down.  Ugh.  Oh, actually  I could finish the computer room first...  it is close(ish).  I'll vacuum the guest room, then powder it again with fresh baking soda for a final vacuum midweek.  That will get done today.  Other then that, dishes, and trash, the weekend is off.  Hoping to push for heavy new week.

Later.

Such a dark and hard place, time.

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Life, here and now, that is.

Bills were finally sorted.  Breathing room seemed to have been developed.  Then the other shoes started to fall... or become apparent to me?  Some of each.

My mother called.  A check I wrote not only failed, the account was gone?  I knew it was in slight arrears, but the social security check should have both fixed that and covered the check.  Also known, social security wrote saying they would be cancelling my arrangement this January, unless information could be offered.  Did they cancel early?  I simply don't know.

It took massive focus, and three days, for me to get things aligned then applied.  Out, today.  Plus shopping and medicine.  Doc didn't have a prescription for my main heart medicine and only one refill (now expended) for the other medicines.  Carvedilol is still in slim supply, so it is doable.  And they faxed him about this.  I just saw this joker in August ffs!  He would write insulin script in a second.  Even give them until I am hooked, dependent, and eminently expendable, but won't mess with the cheap life saving stuff? It sure looks that way.  Anyway, I sent what was owed, and double for guilt.  I will tackle mother in some ways.  I... won't wantonly harm her.  Even when we spat, trust me, she gives better than I can give, or more frequently... and that tangle of a woman has some seriously thick skin... who do you think taught me?

Nothing to be done for the shuttered account.  But they had gone rogue and were murdering with fees, fines, taxes, and who knows what else.  Greedy nasty monsters, kicking a dying animal after over a decade of business.  I expect a bill from them.  I will begin working on social security Monday, or thereabouts.  Ffs!  At least my conscience is as clear as it can be w/r to mom, at this point.  Even an unintentional bad check to mom?  Especially putting her in a bind?  She forgave, without even a curse.  Not fair.  Even with God, that is my most difficult event.

Later.

Such a strange life.

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Why things happen as they do will never make sense.  Waking this morning, without pain, in gooder spirits(tm) is, hrm, fine, I guess.  Appreciated, absolutely... simply, to me, a surprise.  A great gift, really.  I am enjoying.  As well, another oddity, I didn't, for the first time in years, need to void in the night... usually a four (at the least, though rather usual number too) time a night thing (on or off medicine).  Sleep is vastly superior without wakes.  Almost uncomfortable with the wealth of fitness returned from such a grand rest.  Though I had a disappointing dream.  In it my mother denied to someone special to me much... all... strange things, some of which she knows to be true as she spotted some herself and actually informed me regarding.  She does that.  Cruelty, fear of the unknown, wanting to fit in, other things?  I was able to fix that, but I shouldn't have had to do so.  Sometimes she will brave the truth, mostly she will recant even what she knows at the slightest resistance.  Perhaps that is just how most dames are?

Whatever.  Thing is, when I woke, after all those things registered, along with the realization that my feet and ankles are not swollen (a triple bonus extra gooder spirits(tm) item, and another grand surprise), was that I might now be able to begin tracking time and date again.  Yeah, it's been... that rough lately.  Better?  Even gooder(tm).  Still in exhausted recovery, but, if I can escape sickbay, I'll give work a hell of a shot.

Good morning and day.  Always double down... to the good.

A few things done.

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Some passive some active.  Often through a migraine.  There remain to headache-inducing chores.  Plus the actual work.  Medicine, the right parts, are critical to restart. Yes, I had restarted, then ran out of pottasium and haven't been up to tackling the pharmacy/doctor problem.  They are employees, not good ones.  Chastised they will be.  Okay, make that three headache inducing tasks... four... actually starting medicine too.

Meat for the week.  A pack of chicken hindquarters (would have been two, but the last bacth was charred) and a beef and pork roast, small ones.  Thirty dollars but it will feed me for a wee k and change, or until it goes bad?  Migraine disturbed my cooking Zen.  Still, got most of it, and most of it done as is preferred.  It'll need to be stored as soon as it cools.  Shortly.

I also started dishes, washing the first batch which is now rinsing.  It won't be finished tonight.  Migraine is keeping me grounded.  Painkillers soon, but those rarely help without sleep.  I did or started a few other things, but pain is nulling memory.  Work is still planned. Pain isn't a show-stopper.  It's foggy memory, lack of focus, and such which usually are the bricking mechanics.  And exhaustion...  where one of those starts and ends...  I'll keep at it.

Gaming too.  Gives me something to do when all else fails.  Dying Light.  Interesting, but difficulty ramps with no good way to manage it, at the point I am at.  The death penalty is becoming excessively steep while the difficulty is becoming even more stout.  Well, it is something.  Later or good night.

Beyond the migraine.

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A few hours after the last post, a bit of a surprise, and the migraine was gone.  Rarely do painkillers help, or that fast and without sleep.  Eating over rather intense nausea makes me suspect food was part of the problem.  But then I couldn't sleep until well after 7:00.  No more work.  Those empty every drop of mojo I have, and then some. Tack the tally for insomnia to that and, really, I am surprised to be awake, cognitive.  Even so, if I can "boot" to full awake, all systems, otherwise, are a go for work.  I will if it is available.  The bathroom, vacuuming the spare, finishing the second worm farm, stove and counters... one, several, all, none?

So life hurts, exquisitely, from time to time.  The price of admission, one gladly paid.  At this point.  Suffered gladly, though I am tending away from prideful, gleeful, notions.  Humbly, prayerful, hopefully... mostly... will do.  Good afternoon, day.

Stumbled into a migraine.

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The room was finished first.  In spite of the pain, a few more tasks were done.  Couldn't do whole tasks, just short starts.  Sweeping, but just that in the bathroom.  Bedding from the guest room shifted to the dryer, but no more... if I thought I was at an end for the night when the ache seemed to have broken me for the night.  I took a fistful of painkillers on my way to seek refuge in sleep.  It just wouldn't happen.  So, back awake. The suffering is wholly unabated, for now.  A bit to eat, I reasoned, might help.  If not it will be a brutal long night.

I will be looking for an opening to work, not holding my breath for it.  Wouch is this one nasty.  Hoping the nausea won't kill what I think will help, food.  Later or good night.

Something, anyway.

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Today, it was thought, would be as any other for quite some time now.  A nothing.  Oh, there is gaming, but neither is that successful nor productive.  It does stop sleep from eating me whole, there is that.  I am well and truly stuck.  So numb I can't tell if I have a fever, though I can plainly sense my organs grinding for... whichever reason(s) this time.  Given all that, work seemed unlikely.  Remember, though, as I have mentioned, if I see a chance, opportunity, open window, even with scant hope and faith... if I can grin I will try to bear it.

I hit the spare room.  Didn't think I'd get far, if I was already surprised I was starting.  Dig in as you can, I suggested to myself, if cautiously.  I am in seriously bad shape.  Mortal caution is well advized.  Taking it slow, easy, I started in.  After a shorter time than I would have believed I have most of it, and the big closet, mostly ready.  A few items under the bed and about, to fit a box shortly to be rousted from the collection, then the carpet will receive a sprinkling of diatomacious earth and baking soda to be vacuumed tomorrow.  Then I will move back to the bathroom.  I am ahead in there over my last start.  If I keep this pace, that room might be full finished yet today.  I may also add a second worm farm yet today, as well as minor work in the kitchen... the stove and counters maybe?  Might be wishful thinking, if that is the plan until it happens or doesn't.  Later.

In spite of... possiblities.

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Oh, I know.  I have doubts, concerns.  And yet I... at face value... which does take faith... of which I have little for men, a bit more for some men including a good neighbor and Vox (even Jesus can't be held in account for misguided, corrupted, or even spoiler followers).  I, especially in the pangs of poor health multiplied with terrible rest, can cast about a bit.

The thing is, Vox is setting up a video information and discussion platform.  I have said, and do believe he is a source for needed thunder.  Men do need to wake, he can help.  Calling them pussies doesn't seem to help.  So much for my method.  I have watched him take swarms of nerdy, metrosexual ass clowns, moderates, and even darker types and guide them to better places in the manhood, logical, and Christian ways.  I'll vouchsafe this.

Like, agree, always?  Christ doesn't always get that, less all other men.  Yet, within that caveat, and beyond what he is doing for other men, his cultural war front... something he was reluctant to engage as recorded in one of his books, SJW's Always Lie, is something which is having a profound effect on that war.  It isn't based only upon logic, but also history, other forms of reason, and simple (and not so) reality.

The thing is, he is opening a video center, as mentioned.  I wish him great fortune and wish to spread the word while offering my endorsement... for what that might be worth.  Here is a link to the official announcement.  Did I mention he is a rather underrated author of entertainment prose as well?  Anywhile, there you go.

Here is a link to the official announcement.  I... haven't found how to do links well on ps4.  As is, this all had to be manually copied, then laborously clicked in.  I may have to check and edit to get it to even work... so be patient if your first clicks are ftf's.
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Ha!  Sank the battleship on one go with one shot.  Bitches!

Sleep, for what It was worth.

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I'll avoid complaining excessively.  Stating that rest was not obtained in sleep.  Not full deep rest.  I am grateful that I did sleep, and wake.  I have had far worse.

The toilet became clogged yesterday.  My mind was not in a good situation for problem solving.  Note to self and others... with a clogged toilet, turn off the tank fill valve, then tinker.  It takes a messy long task (IF there is a slow drain)down to about a thirty second nothing of a job.  *shakes head*  Just was not well awake and could not force the issue.  Still got it in time.  Rare with this toilet, once a year or so.

I have been trying to drink less.  Good and bad coming from it.  Not sure drouhgting is sustainable.

Hoping to do more work today.  If I can wake!  Later.

Can't sleep enough.

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It is more a failure to find or create a rested state.  When an attempt to sleep enough is made that ends in failure.  I simply can't sleep long enough or in tight enough cycles to make a dent.  Actually it ends being worse.  While pulling, mostly, standard duty is between dry and brutal, when I can, it is far better than the options.  At least, so far, it hasn't been making me too grumpy.

I did a few things today and yesterday.  Mostly starting or catching afew minor things up.  I can't keep at it.  I tire so very quickly, as when the body figures out winter has returned.  Going to crash again shortly.  Hoping to be ready to push a bit harder tomorrow.  Later or good night.

I thought they got this machine as well.

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I woke, started my routines, including beginning the long boot cycle for this system.  I guess filling the ad queu is vital.  As I go about other things, I pause to turn the television on, letting THAT boot, later choosing my id.  Then, finally, if it all worked, and when I have finished with first things morning active dailies, I can sit and begin my e-dailies.

Not so this morning.  Blank black screen.  The machine was on, obviously running, but without visuals... exactly what happened with my computer.  I thought either Vox is using his crew do rid certain people, or has lost control?  Both?  Or maybe not.  I don't think he is at all who he presents, if he generally admits that.  Does even he know his salt, or is he lost in possiblities?  Not exactly active accusations... thoughts, concerns.

After some tinkering, a lot actually, it fired up.  Running it too long?  Are attempts being made to shut me down, by whom or what?  Is video streaming to much for this device?  I do know I need a better solution soon... or to just walk away.  That won't get me off any lists.  They never forget, even to desecration after life.

Back, for now.  Later.