End of all hope?

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Not quite as it may seem.  Merely that things are rough and unlikely to improve.  Politically, socially, medically, and some elses.  Worldly hope is what is troubled.  Then again, living in a world at a time when death is the rule, even by one who has trounced that rule... for a time, worldly hope should always be slightly humble to a tongue in cheek thing.  There are times, however, like now, when the raw corruption is layed bare through McCain and the rest of his kind.  Not sure if he is playing spoiler for the team (actual single party rule) or if he is actually betraying the party.

Doing a bit better, in a way.  Resting has helped, medicine has both taken and given if that seems to have me in the black, doing more good in my preferred ways than not currently.  I am pushing for dishes today , and mild sorting in several rooms.  I held the schedule for today, and hope to keep it as I may.  I have a few tricks, if it is all temporary... so I have to use it soon.  With fall then winter, sleep will come to resemble hibernation.  Not a terrible thing, if life is tended.

Garlic? It was a bit stronger.  Actually the cloves sliced in simply roasted without imparting much flavor.  I can't really taste them when eating the meat with them in.  However, if I spot and remove them, most have browned to a carmelized form.  I'll try a whole head of garlic next time?  Well, and do some research.  It's fun.  Frustration and failure are the sauces which are laurels and flavor enhancers for eventual success.

Good morning and day.

Garlic!

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Don't believe all you hear.  I love garlic, in spite of some tales.  Then again, if some had power through time, wealth, access, and true cause for fear, wouldn't they misdirect?  Of course.  :p  I have been trying  to infuse it into pork and beef using fresh cloves.  There is something about fresh, if annoying to prep, which really is better.  If you can get the flavor to shine through.  I have, thus far, failed.

This time, on a beef roast, I am using an half head of garlic, placing slices in during the hour used to bring the roast to room temp, while letting salt and other spices juice through the meat.  Last time, I think, I used half as much garlic and put it in right before placing the roast on the grill.  I am also adding several dashes of powdered garlic and halved onion.  Really good stuff if you learn to eat right.  I am hoping for a stronger fresh garlic flavor.

If this doesn't do it I will begin researching the topic, then experimenting.  Roasting garlic itself, while a treat, more so when nearly candied, doesn't give what I am seeking, it tames the garlic.  I am seeking bite.  I'll let you know as results become known.  Trying the butternut squash while I am at it.  The acorn squash turned out very well, if you hadn't read.  Hmm, maybe a can of buttered veggies too?  Yeah, when I next check, flip.  Later, or good night.

A possible sense of things.

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Well, yes.  It needn't be true.  If it is, so be it. Today, next week month year decade century or more, in it's time, as men choose, it will be.  A friend none want, a template only fools will resemble if for the weakness of virtue in the men who remain who claim virtue as a good.  Never mind, here.  A sense in the air.  Personal or universal, perhaps both.

Later each morning.

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After weeks, months perhaps, stuck in the third, graveyard, shift, movement was developed. That was required to allow registration, tags, license and all to go forward.  Now the movement continues, two to three hour shifts from daily to once every three days.  If I could I would get to business today.  Still in recovery, probably not until the middle of next week, if that means the need to reign in the schedule change as well as possible.

Breakfast, a sliver of pork rib and potato.  I should get eggs and salsa, out of mom's.  Won't be as good, but the local store-made stuff is usually decent.  Even eating much more regularly, if my foods, and being inactive, I am staying 20 pounds below what had been my average for years... down to 260ish.  All good, if another 20 to 40 wood be gooder(tm).

Such strange and powerful energy in the world.  Not sure if it is a personal thing or if the world is coming undone as well.  Though, with the storms, rumblings from below, politics both domestic and foreign, pause must be given, as I see things.  As a general thing I am rather pleased with President Trump.  While he is a damnable liberal, he is one of the few, on either side, who actually loves, and believes in, America and Americans.  Best to give that man some serious room, and help remove the anti-Americans impeding a return to America First.  Our peoples didn't work hard for a world socialism or to be sold as slave labor to globalists.

Time to figure out my day.  Prayers and good will.

Such... horrible wonders.

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Was it a daydream, memory from darker days and times well gone done and buried, or a strange perhaps final gift... to make the loss more bearable in some way?  I can't always see through those fogs, I can't always know.  The notion, then a music video populating to allow others understanding if in a tongue I don't, or no longer, have acquaintance.  The visuals should suffice.

Unnerving.

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Doing my best.  My best isn't good enough.  Transferring money from one bank account to another, both being mine, it being electronic, I thought it would be quick.  Five days!  More, I was already late.  I was so busy with license, tags, staying awake, the memories, I suspect, of a dying lover, and the confusion that caused another that this task fell out of sight.  Due tomorrow.  Wasn't even sure I could contact anyone at the bank, it being a bank, in Iowa, and this late here.

When it hit, I nearly quit.  Instead, in a nanomoment, I turned heel and charged.  A call, plus finding my account data, while trying to maintain calm.  An answer, a review, a transfer, then another set of questions, and another transfer.  The last one didn't sound as if it would go through.  A few tense moments and...

Answered.  A message service?  No.  Real, live.  But could anything be done.  Got it.  All good, I believe.  A call when it arrives, if I don't call first.  I need to turn off all auto payments, then put some of it into savings.  *shrug*  Do your best.  If you have failed?  What do you have to lose?

Nerves are just a hair frazzled.  But?  I'm loving it!  I miss the good old days.  These moments will have to suffice.  Good day, ladies and gents.

Difficult last few days.

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Exhausted.  Waking has been difficult, focus impossible, troubled.  I have a list of things I'd really like to hit.  Yes, I realized earlier in the week I would need rest.  I didn't realize it would be quite this deep.  One phone call today, dishes if possible, perhaps more.  No guarantees.  Writing it here ups the odds.

Grilling has eased the food supply.  Making enough for nearly a week, and change often, in such a way that there are fewer items to wash.  While that means most meals are, essentially, leftovers, reheated or even cold, with the right foods that isn't awful.  Better as I can eat quickly, and when I am able to eat.  As the temps drop, grilling becomes more difficult, using more charcoal, taking longer, as well as requiring extra clothing.  Still, I will attempt to use this as my main cooking system even into the winter.  Lowering the food, through various means, to get it closer to the heat, might make it work, or not.  It is good to only need to cook once a week or so.  A bag of cowboy coals lasts a couple of months, at least in warmer months.  Even a bag a month wouldn't sting, not for the benies.

I will be making a list of various things to do, perhaps prioritizing, and what exactly and how to do those things.  It helps.  A woman often is good for this sort of thing, if you can get her to tone down her badger instincts.  More beaver, less badger, trust me.  *shark-toothed grin*

Well... on to whatever.  Still trying to shake life into or out of these bones.  Later.

So much feedback!

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Too much for a summation.  Not all of it is correct, as I see things, which would make full inclusion problematic.  Instead I will paint, with videos and music...  a final note.  Believe as you will.

Slept in.

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It was 7:30 when I finally woke for good.  I was up at 23:00, 3:30:, then 4:30 before, each time my body initially claimed it was morning, time to rise... a very unusual set of circumstances, I might even declare it unique, singular.  No worries, I was able to return to sleep easily, quickly, fully.  I feel rested, or as good as it gets lately.  I would like to understand anomalies better, even more distinct ones.

I set up for waking, then on to morning matters.  Returning, the phone, somewhere, was sounding.  While it wasn't found in time to answer, it was close enough for a successful return call.  As expected, mom.  Called her on the weekend, didn't get through.  She is now on the Doom call-back program (when and if the hell I want and/or can!).  No worries.  I, for one(obviously), get it.  Just a checkup.  All good.  Sounds as if she has been crying... vicariously.  I wonder if an acquaintance is agrieved?  Or just a mild vocal frog?  Some days can just be blue, too, without reason or warning.  Still, good time to call family, even if not to share all.

I have enough tended, more quickly and painlessly than hoped, to begin a push towards the last efforts.  I need to do a money shift from one bank to another today.  Almost lost track of that.  Then to rest and prep for travel.  I... have other plans as well.  Friday travel?  Monday?  I don't know, soon.  I'll do what I can as soon as possible.  Tired, in pain.  So what!  Things to do.

Good day.

One more.

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Someone recalled something relating to the rebuttal.  The mistaken one.  I'd have to call it a bull's-eye.  Had a chuckle, as with my first intro, then use.  Don't take it bad, just... what was, was.  Got, gave, chose, and lost.  Happens, to the best of us.  Oh, right.  This one IS for you, without malice.  And... a few others.

Yes, some of the plan. Plus feedback.

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A check, on medicine.  It was in, loaded, and ready.  A shower and good shave first.  I really wanted a nap but that timed out... either a nap and nothing else, plus maybe destroying my hard won day schedule, or just bull through.  I can't always do my druther.  Today it was done.  First to the post office, mail and a package. It has been in a while, I think?  Got it.

The rest was short and easy.  Meds by drive-through, groceries with a short list.  There were some good prices on a few non-list but preferred items.  I should have enough for most of the month.  I shouldn't do donuts, it's been a while since I have even had carbs, mostly.

Return responses?  Yeah.  The first two are things viewers brought, as I perceive.  The last is from one who thinks this was about her.  It wasn't, really, AA.  Still, I... didn't like it, then chuckled.  She definitely fights like a girl and doesn't quite get it, on top of being wrong.  Still, love the spirit!  At least once I got over the... weird factor.

Only Tuesday?

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It seems as though weeks have passed since Sunday.  Unable to do much.  Stuck, again.  And with someone haunting my space.  Dealing with living ghosts is easier.

I told you.

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Response:

Got a live one.

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Never sure.  Did something I viewed trigger an algorithm?  Did someone dig into past posts, and do the same?  Or is the ghost of a past or spirit of a still living woman I have known simply become a ghost in the, or my, machine.  I have known some very strange dames.  Is there any other kind though?  I suppose there is a spectrum, of which my women have always stretched, one way or another... if my nature probably enhances.

I do believe this event to be several of my former lovers, or one with serious lingering desire.  I have been psychicly blind for a bit.  It might seem a large bundle, all at once, but not be.  No, as the music, only some of which will be aired to save confusion... as much as that is possible, all appeared at once.

(So few get that the past, even the false, can be true in confusion.  Once that is cleared?  Even so, even false and known as such?  It still was, in a way, a form of history.  Denial of what was, or was perceived, is no more right than the fullness of the false itself.  Much as the mistakes of early mathematicians and physicists are better remembered than denied.)  Still, I will attempt to... keep it more easily followed.

This one bothered me at first, at once.  I thought of witchery, magic, of the female sort... all bad.  Then I looked again.  It was death, of several sorts, fates and maybe the ages  of a women, contesting, debating, or perhaps merely playing their, often, sad parts.  Her part was passive, not quite final, with a dark awakening even so.

Okay.

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Beautifully brutal.  I got the trash and cat litter dealt with, then nap crashed.  I, until the last post, couldn't steer to either, heading right for the middle.  An empty crash was becoming likely, perhaps bad enough to ruin my day schedule.  It happens.  I think posting saved my bacon.  Part of why I do it.

Doing the work allowed me to get in and nap before it became too late.  Which allowed me to be awake in time to realize some things had been missed, things which really needed to go.  The nap helped enough that the work , little as it seems to you, was easy enough for me.

Now, ribs are grilling.  As well as squash.  Squash?  It is an experiment.  This is an acorn squash.  I have another and a butternut (if memory serves) for grill trials.  A shower and hopefully shave this time is next.  Then?  Feeling much better.  Dealing with the trash and the nap, combined, soothed what was ailing me.

The squash was quite good.  I think if one avoids burning the skin or drying it out too much, you can't lose.

Strange music has been haunting, without... effort, of thought or action on my part.  Brewing an exposition and response, maybe separate or a mixed two part post.  So little energy, even for the things I love to do.  Love?  I... am not sure I love noticing patterns, then attempting to carve thoughts from them, it is simply what I do... almost a need, only sometimes, in the kinder and gentler themes, usually, is the work a joy.  Those are rare moments, as reality here and now is harsh and will only get worse until He returns, and then some.  In part it is why I played sudoku regularly and with intensity.  Sharpens pattern recognition.

Later.

Not the best.

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Not the worst.  Frustration returns.  I am able to have a regular day and night.  Getting enough sleep too, if it doesn't always feel like it.  The change of season might be it.  I wouldn't mind if I didn't have things to do.  Naps, every morning and for a while.  Things have to be done, soon.  Trash out, mail checked, more.  One today the other tomorrow, not much choice.  Later.

That was fast.

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Moreover it worked!  Still a bit tired.  Having both started medicine recently, still in some form of multiple recovery, and having pushed things this last week at least for the shape of my condition, going with being tired is reasonable... even a pleasure.  As little as it may seem, sometimes...  God knows.  Thankfully.

Met a woman while out last time.  Conversed as is my nature.  A few links were found and explored, not flirtations... can tell when a woman is cautious due to being in a certain stage of love... shortly after the first blush stages and while the enormity of it all is settling in.  Not married, to a local lad, living together.  I was saddened.  Oh, I have been so much worse, if for many dark and hard reasons... right or wrong.  It probably won't hit her until she is pregnant... or beyond that function (or nearing the end).  It will hit.  To see either the hate or grief in the faces of such women, at their end and without fruit or even a man often, is as terrible as anything I have ever seen.  I left with advice.  Make it work.  And a prayer.  No different than homosexuality, sin is sin.  She is one of the prettier ones too.  I called it the modern way, which she liked enough to claim for use with their unhappy parents.  I have sixty, plus, of her in my bone pile, and six kids I have never seen, that I know.  I... wish I could teach from my failures.

The other day a post was written, with the word "odd" in the title.  Didn't get to the things being considered when the title was developed.  Medical.  This last week has been a success in taking medication.  Not odd, but strange things surrounding it.  Not needing to wake to void... not going as often and yet having no swelling of the feet during the day... a few other things, like no added exhaustion with the meds, and on full dose into this week two of restarting.  Just odd, mostly in good ways, if the feet have worsened, a bit, again... no rhyme, reason, food, or medicine seems to control well for that.  I suspect there are at least two different causes for that.

On to waking.  Again.  Later.

(This post was actually started an hour and small change after the last post.  Didn't get posted as I was attempting to capture, edit, and post a picture (of God Creates Adam, in the Cistine Chapel (all spelling and exacitude questionable)), which obviously failed, this time, for now, etc).

Fierce headache.

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Waking to it, was not surprised.  Through the night I struggled to find a comfortable position, failing every time.  It happens, if this time could have been avoided if I had been able to wake a bit more, somehow an extra pillow got under my head.  I keep several extra for rotation, to balance appearance, and other uses like leg elevation at some times.  Not so much a health thing, that last, just a rare comfort thing.

It's not a migraine, if it is strong enough to have some of the features.  Mild nausea and light issues.  Strong aspirin and maybe back to bed for a bit.  If I think I can sleep through headache without messing to much up, I will give it a shot.  Hmm, yes.  Life has been somewhat painful lately.  I don't wish to fuss with more today.  Later.

Do naps help?

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Sometimes, is my vote.  For it to help, without causing other issues, certain things must fit.  It can't be too late in the day.  Too early and it isn't a nap, a return to unfinished rest, different issue.  It can't be too warm or cold.  Though it is difficult for it to be too cold too sleep, if it is below some ill-defined and changing temp waking in a timely fashion so as to term it a true nap may not happen.

Yes, a nap this morn.  No choice.  While sleeping I became a bit depressed. It seemed as if I had slept far too long, messing up the weeks of effort to get my days and nights sorted.  Even so I couldn't force myself awake, even to check the time.  Turns out the nap ended being exactly optimal and normal, timewise.  Bruised a bit by the worry though.  Oh well.  Not sure how much it actually helped, some I believe.  No choice in the matter in any case.

Beans are done, a burger hash with some of it has also been cooked.  I am mastering beans.  Humble as they might be they are fine and inexpensive, greater still they give me no gas especially as I learned to make them properly.  Add in beef, a mild masala of my own design, and it passes humble cuisine muster with grace.  Add a dollop of sour cream, cheese, and a dash of finishing salt and it begins a journey towards haute cuisine.  Homemade creme fraich and a sprinkling of fresh minced or sliced chives and you would be home for certain.  I do my best.

Work doesn't seem likely.  The want is there, the flesh is exhausted, even with the nap, beyond reasoning with, numb.  No worries.  It saw me through a harrowing set of recent events and holds promise for more, if in it's time and terms.  I can live with that, and gratefully.  A shower, shave, and trash and recycling together and out are on the menu even so.  I'll lean into those if needs be.  Other than those, rest is fine.

Later, or not.  Good day in any case.

Truly?

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Top of the morning to you?  Of Course!  Even on my worst day I don't begrudge my enemy a good day.  Good days, dark options, and blood in their tears provide an opportunity for another way.  But you, most of you, most of the time, aren't my enemy even so.  And, when you are, and happen to visit, do I not seed your tears with blood?  So it is.  That isn't, any of it, the point.

In my shape, with all that is still problematic, that I still have cheer, which I do.  Simply hoping a smile through toil and pain, unforced and without any ends other than to exhibit a joy for life, might be worth explaining, pointing out, sharing.  I can't do much for folk, am often enough a downer-debby.  A spot of light without too much blood and pain in conjunction is hoped to be welcomed.

Again, top of the day, morning, to you.

Beans are on the boil.  Soaked overnight.  Boil?  No, not any more... simmer.  That and burger will be the main of my food this week, if in part because I burned other meat.  While I won't need to starve, I will need to be of some serious care with each penny.  Food like this stretches coin greatly.  Then I can do part of what I suggested last month more easily.

Dishes today, another shower, counters and stove, plus the trash arranged and readied. What all of that though today?  If all, I may add a few things tomorrow.  Next week is for social security and collecting dry trash, going through boxes, tossing everything from books to asunder home goods.  That will go hand in hand with the seeming abandoned effort to clear wall space in the rooms.  That... the purpose of it too...  I had more intense things come up.  Haven't given up on that, the timeline is simply longer.

Yes, good morning and day.  Later.