You can't be all things!?!

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I hear this through the ether.  Sheep, goat, wolf, lion, of the two legged varieties, all claim one can only be the one thing one is.  If perhaps as one may be called to, or fall from, graces, one way or another, one might go through a middle area.  How quickly they forget the call to have a voice for all ears.

At it early.

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I couldn't remember when I went to bed.  However I knew I took a final blood sugar reading within about ten minutes of bedtime.  I believe...  A quick check showed about a 17:30 bedtime.  I woke a few minutes after 2:40.  A bit long of a sleep, but not all as it would seem.  I woke a bit after 1:00, and could have gotten up.  I didn't want that much day to begin that early.  I would have slept even more at 2:40.  But it was close enough to 3:00, and trying to sleep such a little bit could have lead to oversleeping.  I also didn't want to turn off the 3:00 alarm so as to wake at 5:00.  Blah.  So, only one real choice.

I need to get the trash out.  Then a shower and shave.  I didn't get much done yesterday.  Still, meds and reset, critters and myself fed etc, a few other odds and ends.  It's just so dark.  The house finally dropped to 66.  The furnace is running to maintain.  It took almost two days to cool off.  Unless a freeze happens I am planning to keep it cooler, at 66.  Showers and the right cloths to stay warm.

I think I am doing better, certainly feeling much better.  Hoping to do things today.  Bedtime blood sugar was 202 last night, fasting is 233 first thing.  The body has no pain, no headache, I am not even feeling tired.  Exhausted down in?  Maybe.  But that usually allows me to dig deep before I hit resistance.  Usually is the key.

A shave, then feed, water, and clear litter for the girls.  Maybe start a load of laundry then a break until the load is finished.  Then a shower.  To the post early, then driving practice.  Cleaning the bathroom after.  A later second driving lesson, then maybe a trip to the sanitation office to arrange for a dumpster at the middle of the month.  The goal is to fill that before the end of the month, then if needed, one time next month.  That should be enough.  I'm not sure how truly full I can get the thing, and some large part will be bulk rather than mass.

If I can do these, and get sheets and other laundry done today, I'll hope to start on dishes, more driving, and the kitchen tomorrow.  I am attempting to get back to work... four to five days a week, three to five hours a day.  Not including food, grooming, or critter care, if the grill simplifies cooking for myself.  Yeah, finally, maybe, back to it.  Later.

Never did make it back to bed.

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I simply lost my appetite for sleep.  Which is fine.  I received plenty of sleep yesterday and may nap in a bit.  Still dark and cool, outside.  The house hasn't dropped below 70°, if my bedroom should be cooler.  It feels much cooler than 70°, odd how that can work out.

I think one of my last blood sugar reads was bogus.  It went from 214 to 321 to 233.  I had just eaten, but eggs and bacon and just.  Blood sugar a) shouldn't have spiked quite yet b) shouldn't have spiked nearly that much.  Annoying, but I'm calling that a bad read.  I am regularly hitting the low 200s.  I should begin cracking below 200 very soon, very regularly.  Yes, bacon and eggs is extremely keto friendly, especially in reasonable moderation.

I need to feed the ducks and girls, water as needed, then clear litter.  Perhaps a nap after.  Trash out tonight.  Cleaning the bathroom.  And a shower and shave, possibly some laundry.  Yeah.  Anything else?  Maybe.  I have a few niche small projects I'd like to do... polishing and waterproofing several pair of hiking boots, filling at least one month medicine dispenser, perhaps getting my packs reset... mix and match as possible, as things, time, and energy fit.  Yeah.

Oh, someone looked up a post I was seeking.  It dealt with when I dropped my tea bottle.  It doesn't say who was doing my pedicure, but it does give the date.  I have more work to find the strangely elusive truth, but I have part of the solution.  Odd, this and the first five second sudoku, both from private conversations... the posts were found, and presented.  I may have posted, maybe, about one, but not both?  I don't think I posted about either, though maybe.

Ducks and my ladies have been arranged.  If I can, a nap in a bit.  Later.

Double the trouble.

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Beside the cold, dark, and damp, I was lagging on medicine.  I outright missed an evening dose yesterday and was well on the way to missing all of today.  I woke with an exceptional headache.  It was 22:00, so there might be time to get two doses in and be back to bed in time to be up rightly for morning medicine.

I shouldn't need much sleep later, as I have had a nap and nearly a full sleep as well.  If I can shake the headache and fever-like symptom... and various pains, I should be good.  I had the furnace at 72 with the bedroom door open.  Yeah, that will get to me.  I still needed warmth when I went to bed.  It got too hot.  On the good side, my body has started responding well to cool or heat, and more quickly.

Fasting blood sugar was 224.  It is slowly dropping.  I will probably skip eating tonight.  If I must, perhaps a fatted tea.  Probably just tea.  I turned the furnace to 66° F.  It is taking longer and longer to cool the cave.  I am hoping by the time it is down, it will be time for meds and sleep.

It wasn't just a headache I woke sensing.  Innards hurt, skin was sore from overheating, pretty much everything hurt.  No problem, aspirin.  I have been hitting that a lot lately.  Such is spring.  It is the most complicated season for me.  And yet, I wouldn't change it for the world.  I need four real independent seasons to feel right in, with, the world.
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Forgot to post.  Actually got busy, chasing a notion that has been forming through youtube.  I just, the science... and art... aren't settled.  Or really not settled enough for presentation.  The truth is science and art, in this paradigm... paradoxical paradigm as it now stands, is not only not settled, it can't be settled.  There is no means of doing so.  One of my first tests, to see who I am dealing with, is to see if an understanding of what the consensus is and whether that is considered true or not.  Most are herd animals, goats or sheep.

Round earth.  Cool.  Prove it without pictures from satellites or astronauts.  Use simple tools you understand to prove what you suggest.  If you can't do that, then you actually don't know.  You are merely parroting what you have been told.  Even if the world was mostly, or partially round(ed), unless you have basically seen that there are no gaps in the crust, you simply don't know.  All I require is that if you can't prove something of science with science, that you not believe it in an absolute way.

Hmm?  Oh, well, I...  I got lost in the rabbit hole.  I'll keep pondering the notion... notions.  Blood sugar is 256 after three hours up and no food.  Meat is being thawed.  The cats were fed.  I'll check their water and litter before bedtime.  It isn't cooling at all in here.  It is in the low 50s outside, but staying 72 in here... with the furnace set to 66.  Gah!  I shut the bedroom door, with the fan going.  Hopefully in another hour I can take meds and hopefully a nap.

Two hours?  Good night, again, either way.

A nap.

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No real choice.  It is time to eat, but sleep is required first.  Blood sugar is 244.  It popped up again.  Worse, the nap will probably increase it more.  At this general blood sugar level, sleep almost always increases blood sugar.  When fasting blood sugar (after a full night sleep) is below ~150 , then naps and missing a meal won't jack blood sugar.  We'll see, sometimes it works out.  I sure wish I could push through.

It is dark and cool out there.  I decided against turning the heat up though.  At 72 it somehow seems too hot.  I may turn it down while I sleep.  Cats and ducks are fed etc. No work yet.  I'll do what I can.  Sleep may help.  So very tired.  Later.
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 A bit of a trick and a shorter nap?  Blood sugar was 200 before dinner... supper?  Not bad.  If I have anything else, it will be bone broth and cream, spiced and salted to taste.  I am hoping to break 200 again.  Who ever knows.  Still tired.  I might crash again, though who knows for how long.  It might be another ten hour drop.  So dark, cold, tired.  All good.  I have learned the hard way that if I need sleep, take it.

Yeah, well... later or good night.

It is finally working.

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Insulin.  Well insulin and keto.  Still fasted, before my first meal, and blood sugar dropped forty eight points to 213.  A fatted tea and chia cereal is for breakfast.  Pork leftovers for lunch, perhaps a fatted bone broth and mixed nuts for supper.  I should thaw a roast and chicken or... something else.  Not sure what is in there.  Burger?

Still tired, rough.  I have done a lot of traveling and business.  The stress of buying a car, dealing with ssa, haggling with medical, changing meds... fair enough.  All of that in one week?  Yes.  Pleased as punch.  Tired too.  I am hoping, as blood sugar drops, if the rest can stay level and good, I can dig in.  Or start digging out.

It is chilly today.  In the low 40s at about 8:00.  Fine.  The sun is out, it could warm.  If not... actually either way... I need warmth so I'll turn the furnace up.  That, medicine, breakfast, and aspirin should get me going.  Yeah.  We'll see.  Cereal is about ready.  Later.

Not much.

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I just can't quite hop to things.  I did call both my brother and mother.  I was a bit surprised with my brother.  He was in good spirits.  For my part I avoided... debate.  We don't argue well.  A bit of information back and forth, old and new things and updates, and just letting him vent.  I am proud of him.  Given all, he does well.  My mother is doing well, just busy.

Eating was improved today.  As was blood sugar.  I broke 200, at 188.  My lowest draw since starting the 19th, I believe.  I was honestly starting to worry.  I really have to eat three keto meals a day, or intermittent fast, or fast longer... if take some risks with the latter options.  It is a start.

I am going on to bed.  The alarms are set for 3:30 and 5:00.  I am hoping to grab that schedule if possible.  Good night.

Too chilly.

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I finally caved, shut everything up, and turned the heat back up.  Fresh air was worth the chill, but out of doors had fallen to the low 40s.  Too chill.

Ducks were fed and watered.  I need hay for them.  I had someone suggesting they could do that.  I will have to check on that.  They desperately need fresh hay.

I am hoping to call my brother yet today.  Perhaps my mother, and the potential source of hay.  As well, a drive or two... short drives.  A shower and shave, sooner or later also.  Doing what I can as I may.  No rush, if getting these things done today is preferred.

Perhaps a few other chores?  Maybe.  I am very tired, sore.  But the sun is out.  It is up to 52° F.  It might turn out to be a very good day.  If nothing else, a bit of time, if only in the shade or I will burn, sitting out there... perhaps letting the ducks out while I am out too.  Yes, if it warms and at least doesn't rain.

Blood sugar was 324 fasting, 279 just now (still fasting).  I actually need to either eat more and more regularly or fast whole.  Oddly, anything else makes it worse... save a choice forbidden.  The current readings are in the worse category.  Of course, if I can't eat, I may have to... improvise.  They so hate when I do that.  Sometimes there simply isn't a choice.  I missed medicine yesterday, morning and night.  The first miss in months.  Back on track.

Well, on to... waiting.  Chia and flax, maybe bacon and eggs later.  Good morning.

A few days down.

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I had to be out yesterday.  Now a very short few days off before I have to go out again.  After that?  I... months probably?  Even so, I am hoping to get out driving, on hills, in the hopes of being ready this or next time to take the micro to SLC for my next or following medical appointment.

As well, I am hoping to visit a few parks.  I'll take the Xterra to see the golden railroad spike, and something beyond.  But a cruise through further various state and national parks, maybe with the inflatable canoe and camping gear...  Yes, through the summer, a few or more trips.  Plus a few local events and maybe fishing trips.

Oh, right.  What.  Oh, a few days off.  Hopefully to drive a few times a day.  There is a gravel hill close by, probably a paved one, that isn't a highway.  I know of a highway hill that usually isn't to busy.  There are some steep hills leading to the V.A., very steep, with serious curves.  I would love to be ready, but the timing may be too short.

Even with me at the wheel, and mostly city driving, I have been getting 28 mpg.  Practice won't be too expensive.  I am improving, it will take time.  You have to work with the engine, a four banger.  It requires fast upshifting being a six speed, at first, then from fourth on it takes a goodly while to get to the last two... sort of, usually.  It's no sports car, but it is fun.

To bed sometime in the mid afternoon.  Awake at 1:30.  I wasn't sure if the cats were warring or if thunder was drawing near.  Yes, cats can thunder through a cave something awful.  I actually think it was a bit of both.  The baby girl, at eleven ore more, can really tromp around, and she yeowls as if a dog was around and scatters at the sounds of a storm.

Fed, litter handled, should be good.  Electricity flickered out twice.  Rain crashed heavy, hard, if briefly.  Thunder came, sat a bit overhead, then travelled on.  I enjoyed the brief weather show.  Now to reset clocks.  Sassy is still probably hiding in my bedroom.  I'll get the ducks at sunup or close.

While extremely exhausted from all the trips and negotiating, I am recovering more quickly than anticipated.  I hope to get out, for several things.  But no swimming or hiking quite yet.  I'll need several weeks of rest to get going on those things.  But I can make sure gear is ready.

Good morning.  Later.

Awake again.

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Feeling a bit better.  Heartburn or acid stomach is gone.  All other aches and pains remain, if muted a goodly bit.  Not so exhausted, slightly frayed if as it should be within recent givens.  Sleep was quite good.  I am on the mend.  A small business action soon, a medical appointment before long, and I'd like to get out driving as soon as possible.  Hills, starts on those, until I can do them in my sleep.  As well, studying the manual, for slip shift down shifting more accurately.

Blood sugar is staying elevated, if lower than before.  It is between 200 and 300, where it had been between 350 and nearly 500.  Irregular sleep means meals have also been off.  I do what I can, but have to do what I must.  I have to accept I am doing what is possible.  As well, it is an improvement.  All meds are going in, as well, brushing and shaving are back in trim.  I wasn't failing to brush completely, just missing one time a day, varying.  And travelling, I couldn't brush after meals.  Ugh.

A dream.  Of significance I do believe.

In the dream I was questioned regarding tattoos or other intentional marks.  I claimed no such blemishes, labelling all marks as unintentional scars, save one.  Forced to strip for an inspection, what looked like a black light bar was brought out.  It exposed far more... the marks on my soul, or spirit if not (yet?) human.  Warrior, sins, virtues, natures... it was all scarified or tattooed onto my eternal being.  Beautiful... and horrifying.  I have never been so humbly naked.  All I saw where true, to the best of my knowledge.

I wasn't being judged.  Warned?  Informed?  To know is to be given an opportunity to correct, to find reconciliation, to change.  Knowledge is power, some power, some absolute power, does not lead to corruption.  This was one of those knowledge to power transitions which didn't lead astray.  Perhaps the only one?  I suppose any power coinciding with humility is less likely to betray the recipient?  Amen?

I left the windows open.  While making it a bit chill, the fresh air is fantastic.  If I could find a place that stayed dry, and between -40 (negative forty Fahrenheit) and 80 max, in a mountainous terrain, that I could afford... not fallen to leftism like Colorado or N. Mexico I'd sure ponder.  Though, getting central air, with a built in humidifier, would work here.  If ss comes back, I'll begin getting quotes.  I need a new furnace anyway, as well.  That, a 200 amp box, and a garage wiring system.  Over time.

On to waking.  Later.

Another day out.

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Finishing some business.  Had to be out early.  Stayed up overnight again to make it work.  Sometimes, when I can make it work, it's the only way.  It worked, again.  But it's the fourth time in a week.  I have something else soon but not too soon.  Then I can rest for a bit.  I need it.

I tried to explain that, normally, and at best, I have only been getting out three times a month, for shopping.  And those weren't scheduled, I could do them when I am rested and in all other ways ready.  Being out four times... five... in the last week has been exhausting.  That I did it is proof I am doing better.  That it is figuratively killing me is proof I am still not well.  Everything hurts.

I had a breakfast out.  I needed food, wasn't up to doing that.  To add to the rest, I now have a rough heartburn or acid feeling stomach.  I chose what would mostly fit keto.  It must be the fats they use?  Gotta not do that.  Even fast food doesn't do that.  Oh well. I will have a vinegar ketonic soon, that usually works.

I returned home about... actually I have no clue.  I didn't have to cool down or such.  I crashed easily, immediately.  I may do so again shortly.  I have pushed in ways I didn't think possible.  I have made every appointment.  I... will rest, sleep, as possible until I am back in shape.  Wow.  Toast.  But... it could be worse.  And I have hit it all.  For most of you, it might be shameful to be this tired for that little.  It's just at half the days out, and half days even then.  But you aren't nearly crawling out of the grave to get there.

Yeah.  More sleep.  I hurt everywhere, and yet feel hollow, empty, stretched, and numb too.  Wonderful, actually.  If I could push through to this more often, I would.  I do believe pain... is what has kept me alive.  And if there is hope for more in life, it will only be through truly excruciating, devastating, nauseating levels of pain that I will find it... over the levels I encounter in present standard life.

Good night, later, something.

Calls.

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Social Security sent paperwork saying I was ineligible.  A call, and not too much of a wait.  Told I was definitely ineligible.  I told him I have been receiving for the last thirty years, both disability incomes.  Oh, he suggested, so you didn't inform SSA?  Of course I did.  Actually thought I'd lose the ss disability.  On and on.

Finally he looked it up.  Not ssi, but ssd... based on my earnings, not a charity income... or some such.  So, for what I have been receiving my other income has no bearing.  So why send this other?  Formality, sir.  Bullshit, they were just screwing with me.  He knows it, I know it.

Before that, a call about the paperwork.  I gave them razzes about sending paperwork with such a short expiry.  She said she was happy to extend the deadline.  Again, they are just screwing with me.  I made sure she noted that both were being sent today.  I asked about the other issue.  Not her area.  Nor a number given.  I figured it out, after trying several numbers throughout the several letters (in the same packet).

I'm not grumpy as a rule.  What did Gandalf say to Frodo about testing him?  Right.

Right.

A start.

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Meds, brushing, aspirin, first thing.  Then time reviewing the world through the lenses of various minds and sources.  Just now fresh tea set to brew, duck feeding and watering, cats as well, and their litter.  The body still hurts.  Muscles as if slightly torn and pretty much everywhere, lungs have a slight burn as if pushed a little too long, some joints ache, a slight headache... that after the effects of aspirin, a good lot of it.

No problems.  It is what is expected, minimally, after pushing as hard as I have been.  This is good, actually.  I don't know if I can do much today.  I am not sure I should.  Pushing at this stage might be good, or might cause a major stall.  I had thought, with the heart improved, I could push.  I can, and further than ever since first ill, but the backlash can still cripple.  In some ways much more severely.

It is sunny, but not all that warm.  In time that will improve.  I won't open up the house until things prove out to be warmer this afternoon.  I am trying to get places, do things.  I am just not quite there yet.  I'll keep trying.  The weather will help, until it hurts.  Later.

What a strange twist.

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I finally went to bed at 21:00, give or take a quarter.  I was in exhaustion agony for hours leading up to bedtime.  I simply could not sleep.  When I could go in, I couldn't fall quickly to sleep.  When sleep happened, it was exceptionally good.  I woke at ~1:30 but knew not to get up.  Sleep returned very quickly.  I woke again, thinking it would still be close to 1:30, but it was 5:30.  Fasting blood sugar is 267.  I am suspecting I will break below 200 today or tomorrow.  It goes multiples faster with keto and insulin.  If I can fast this or next weekend, it will be done very fast.  Every other weekend.  Oh, and when I can add intermittent fasting?  Yeah.

Time to rise.  It is a goal, on the later end.  Perhaps a beginning to a return to that pattern?  It might just be a fluke, with scheduling up in the air.  I see it as an opportunity.  If I can sleep a bit earlier, perhaps I can wake a bit earlier, then grab that schedule.

Other than an hour and half nap, I was awake for 28 or 29 hours yesterday.  No wonder the pain.  I just didn't have a choice.  I couldn't sleep leading into the appointments, then couldn't sleep until I did.  I was caught in an impossible cycle.  Still, it might work out.  One more appointment this week, a call or two, then I can take a breather.

I did take care of the critters.  But brushing and shaving have been falling into neglect.  There isn't an easy way to do it all, or even a difficult path.  Out of functional energy is just that.  I did air the place out, since I couldn't sleep.  Quite nice.  I hope to do it more, through the week, as possible.  It has to be warm enough.

While I do need rest, I also need to do dishes, and general cleaning.  I'll never get caught up, but if...  some of it, or some areas...  I should see if there is anything to thaw.  I am rather broke the rest of the month.  Ugh.  Later.

Done.

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To bed when possible.  Paperwork.  Social Security is trying to deny me because of V.A. disability.  Two different forms to fill out.  Done.

I just saw what happened over there.  I had wondered what this was about.  It isn't a god, certainly not God, just a horseman.  Though I don't see their fingerprints.  I see only those who will act as the pawns, for their darker requirements, have acted.  I realize now that I spotted an anomaly.  Too vague, but I believe I saw yesterday in advance... and the culprit.  Well... won't ever actually have that exposed, but...

I need sleep.  Took a nap, no choice.  Waking from it sort of broke something.  I have to come down before I sleep.  Ugh.  I hurt to sleep but can't, like salivating over a steak with a broken jaw.  It pains me psychologically, yet mechanically as well.  Soon.  One more appointment this week, then I can rest.  So very tired.

Good night.  Yes, girls and ducks have been fed, meds remembered?  I'll check.  Brushing has been slipping, I'll... try...

I was away when posting.

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I created the last post, then put it on scheduled automatic posting.  I actually had to make a trip to SLC, to the V.A.  I told my doc I would... do some extra hoop jumping... to get what I need.  I got what I need.  So hoop time.  It's killing me.  I am still tired from last week.  Absolutely exhausted.  And I keep pulling close to 24 hour days, either because I can't sleep, or like today because of appointments.

It was diabetes education and extra tracking.  The cool thing is, this fellow is a keto type.  I... had prepared for a war of wits on the matter.  No need.  Numbers were looking good.  Down to 233 last I checked.  Won't check again until tomorrow.  Will see him again, next time I see my doc.

As good and timely a drive as I could have hoped.  Enough sun for good cheer, not enough to fry.  Quite a nice day, even with mild sprinkles.  Any trip is easier with a nice mix of mild weather and easy traffic.  I didn't get panicked, or feel pushed, pinched, or crowded driving.

So tired.  I have something this afternoon.  May nap a bit.  Ugh.  Later.

Do they ever sleep?

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Such... things.  Must be from at least two sources.  One found a post about my first five second sudoku.  I... am pretty sure which one that is.  Don't women sleep?

Otherwise, this time, without comment.

Accusations.

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If the songs pop, they fit, and I realize?  I have to play them.  Actually they have nothing, for my part, to do with me.  Might even have been true, to some degree, but long ago.  If it was still true she would already have gotten her fifteen minute to three hour shake, and a baby if a certain one.  It's how and all I used to do... after my first real went away.  Now, which of two possible women is feeling dry, sore, and let go, I can't be sure.  One still, always had, a chance.

Sometimes songs are just algorithmic reverberations.

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Sometimes they are more.  Much more.  They arrive dappled in soul blood.

I can sense the difference.  Or so I say.

Wounded.  Initially.  She was.  I could tell.  Struggling with... things... since then.  Girls are such... girls.  Yeah.  I have watched songs pop in accordance to various things I have written.  As a pianist might hear an accompanying fiddle, cello, or choral backing... real or imagined but reasonably so.  I didn't write to receive, it merely happens... sometimes.

Didn't I just title one "Ouch"?

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I second that.  In a better way, perhaps.  This is from the constant, for me, and intense negotiations, recently.  Brutal.  Successful, tiring.  It definitely beats unsuccessful and tiring.  Everything is just on the left side of good.  Just a bit off.  It might improve without assistance, if it seems to be improving slowly.  Aspirin, for when respite is desperately needed and earned.

Blood sugar was strangely high, at 347 this morning.  I suspect it was the exceptionally long day yesterday and again.  I didn't get to bed until 7:00?  Up to several hours later, if no earlier.  Long days, back to back, especially if caused by the misery of absolute exhaustion, can fiddle with those numbers.  No worries.  I know I am on the right path, and that the road is bumpy, winding, and tedious.  I know it will get there.  Plus, yesterday was actually the best day for reads in a very long time.  No 400s, and only one very low 300.  That is 100 to 200 lower after one day on meds and back on keto.  Oh, another problem may have been eating to much due to such a long day.

I was, and remain, so tired focus is difficult.  I can stay keto, finally.  The two days of sun helped.  But that isn't enough to overcome exhaustion from activities.  So intermittent fasting... I can't quite do that yet.  It's on the menu, and will be added as is possible.  I still have two appointments this week, one early next month, and others lining up for the near future.  I haven't been, or been able to be, this busy since last summer.

Ducks have been tended, cat litter cleared.  I won't feed the girls for another hour, their water looks good.  Cold tea and pills down, fresh tea brewing with a fatted tea, fatted bone broth, and chia and ground flax breakfast... in parts... on the schedule.  Not a bad life.  Though fictional (too?), I have to wonder if Yoda didn't live as such in retirement.

Raining again.  I'll shower and shave shortly.  Good day.