Someone Once Told Me…

I recently heard that ‘their’ and ‘there’ might not be interchangeable. What? Yep, apparently my blog had an error. Odd, but, after checking, I decided to err on the side of caution, correct the error, then indicate to the sender of the information that I could not find what they were talking about. I am wondering if they will comment to this post? Well, it is no longer April 1, but… It was fun.

I finally took my vehicle in for service. It was a bit over the miles, my bad. Really, I like to take care of any vehicle it is my pleasure to drive. I feel more like a manager than truly an owner, therefore, I feel I have an obligation. Besides, think of it this way, though it is a mechanical creation, it needs attention and “wining and dining” like the rest of us once in a while. We do things for our pets, friends, family, ourselves, and simply our interests and desires, why not our automobiles. They give us wings. Anyway, while in for service, I had them clean the interior. They did fine, but two things stood out. They used something slick on the steering wheel and they forgot to put the water mats back into the vehicle. I am a little suspicious of the job, in that the cleaning materials used might not have been appropriate (certainly for particular tasks), the task seemed rushed, and the mats were forgotten. I may check around and compare prices, though any organization can have an off day. So, I will probably try them one more time (depending on price comparisons). I would like to have it really deep cleaned at least twice a year.

I am just getting to figuring out the functions of my smart phone. As I may have noted, it is not as intuitive as the Blackberry, if it is more functional. I also do not appreciate that it does not have a more encompassing case. It is insured, it is just the notion. The good thing is, it is very open to upgrades and add-ons, and it is a potent little device. Really, unless you are a gamer who travels, if you have a desktop computer, this device offers everything a small laptop might and at a fraction of the cost (internet browsing, email, MS Word, Power Point, etc. handling and editing, querty keyboard plus, as well as phone, music player, additional memory). I highly recommend desktops, as laptops are over-the-top expensive and under-the-radar performers for their price (if cool(?), go Apple laptop if you want to be tre kewl dude, if you want to be serious and taken serious, go PC). :0 :p

Alrighty then, I just wanted to write something. Sharing a few non-important details is a trivial matter, really. I would share more, but uhm, that’s it. Oh, ok, I am not wearing any pants. Ewwwwwww… Sweats, you crazy people, I am wearing sweats. Now bugger off into someone else’s near or real lewdness.

Wakey wakey, or you will never get up.

Dear Customers,

While we make every effort to make every effort, we have not made an effort to make that effort recently. And, relatively, frequently. That or something like that. In conclusion, that is what happened, or did not happen, as the case may be.

As I said in commenticus, I am indeed alive. Frozen in time, it seemed, until recently. After several months of this, and trying to fidget my own way out, I finally decided to let my doctor help out. Yes, it is humbling, no, I am not quite “in” Depends yet (though, it is a consideration, mostly for ease of use… but I do not think it holds enough, frankly). I worked every angle I could, just to get to the doctor’s appointment. I then told him the good and bad news. I then asked how we could solve this, because it is silly. The good news you ask? Well, I am complete broken yet I am ok. Frustrated, you bet. Smelling a bit odd on off days, uh-huh. Unaware even that I am unaware, probably, though I cannot always be sure. But, I am not torn up, upset, depressed, if a little hungry for real food, a cleaner place, and nervous about my health when I can be. Cwazy, babies… ala Ozzy…

So, we have a frank discussion, sans Frank (and scrit). He suggested visiting nurses, again. Oh, alright. They were helpful, if they do crawl up the butt a bit, flashlight in hand. They want to know WAY too much. I suppose they are just health enthusiasts or something. But, they do help me take my medicine and manage my whole health system. Medicine it has been shown (to my satisfaction in every way), to work, once I get on it and stay on it, for every complaint I have and without side effects of a rude or even lightly convexing nature. And, I told him, yes, indeed, I do wish to live, I do wish to be healthy, I do not understand what the problem is, but I would like to fix it. So, we started that up, and my first visit was last Tuesday. I ensured that I was ready and showered. The visit was pleasant. I have a new nurse, but the old one would have been fine. I think I was looking for excuses to end the last episode of visits, and she was (in my mind) used as a scapegoat. I asked this one to send my regards to the last one.

Oh, on that visit, I complained about my surrounds, and asked if she had information regarding house cleaning services. I was not sure how much I could afford, but I would be willing to spill some of my scarce nickels into the coffer of a domestic benefactor. She indicated that, perhaps and to my surprise to be certain, the VA might come across with those goods. She would check into it and either way I would be informed shortly. Low and behold, the VA will pay for 1 to 3 hours of house cleaning a week! I am pretty sure, that with that assistance, I will be able to do more myself, which will lead to a compound increase in lifestyle. Which, in turn, will lead to more visits by more people. I, with this assistance to bolster my efforts, will be able to serve people breakfast, dinner, and supper at my place once in a while. I can host movie night on occasion. And, I will feel a THOUSAND times better in my little life. When I can, I will do more with that help, when I cannot do for myself, I think 3 hours will be more than enough. Amazing, life really is full of little gifts for those who need.

Oh, you might ask what I have been doing? Well, I have been playing a lot of WoW (World of Warcraft). As a fact, I now officially own it. Lulz Well, not quite yet. But in a month, I have created 4 20th level, 4 10th level, and one 62nd level character (most on the same server, for convenience). And, I have learned how to become rich (at least for my level, hard to know how much the 70’s with a bean make… Then again, they probably spend it all the on simple junk I find or make… hehehehehe Suckers, nice suckers, but uhm… The game has allowed me to maintain a schedule of sorts. And, it gives me something to do, while I would otherwise just sleep most of the time. I was sleeping like that before I got the game, so I know.

Ok. Well, I had to put this up. I am hoping that getting on the medicine and staying on it, plus the assistance (and warmer weather), will all lend to a bit more writing and interacting. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I miss writing. Yes, I enjoy life (even the not so “right” parts anymore, if I do have preferences). So, coming to a blog near you, the rise of the king, baby! Yeah… *snork* *snort* Yeah, bay-bee

I woke up, refreshed and hopeful. (Day 63)

My sleeping has been in odd shifts and spits. I think until my corpse is normalized, I am going to have problems. No problem, so long as I do not die in the interim. That often causes unforeseen difficulties in getting back up and into the game. *grins* I am hoping to be enough on the ball to at least call in to the doctors office today, and maybe do some grocery shopping. Frozen vegetables (along with my high incidence of meats, fishes, cheeses, and milk) are on the list. Out is sugared soda, in is that splenda stuff. That is really my one indulgence into candy land. Though, on occasion, I must admit, I will have a bowl of real regular ice cream.

I am feeling so odd. Cramps in my arms and legs are common. Kidney area, liver area, and a few other area sorenesses persist. I am not sure if that is due to diet or due to diabetes, a slight difference, but real. Not enough of this that or the other vitamin, mineral, or protein and one might find themselves topsy-turvy, aside even from diabetes, though as with that to some degree… maybe. Where is that stupid manual that was supposed to pop out with me at birth. Something about “Care and Feeding of Ogre Mammalian Male Types”. Bah!

Well, I am on the road to writing more, and again. I see many of you have slacked off. Minus Bane, who has been a good bad boy. Oh, alrighty, a few of you others have been prolific in messing up by putting your ideas out there too. You know who you are, and perhaps how oddly true what I just said is. We are in the same boat it seems. The wrong boat, but the best of the wrong boats (minus you socialists… forgivable if you are women, it being your nature (unless you have, graciously worked beyond your nature! Hallelujah!)). Ok, digging my grave, kicking sand in the face of giants, and just having fun and loving it. Give me a break, I may be dead soon!

Welp, gots to go. Charity, faith, and hope, may these be yours even if you are as wrong as me. Love and kindness, me.

Alive and well, well? (Day 68)

Okay, fine. I am still alive. I am still doing poorly. But, I have made some decisions and I am now free to move on those. The first, and saddest for me, is that I have to back out of school. There are several fortuitous aspects to this however. The first is, I know the reason. It has to do with a short-term problem that I do believe is completely able to be solved. The second good thing is that I am not back on VA benefits, so it will not start that off on a bad foot. I suppose also, I get a better view of this course material. I have not found out what I did on my last test, though from the response from my instructor heretofore, it seems I did at least feasibly suitable to continue the class (or he was going to suggest I drop, because of homework mostly). The uncomfortable part is that now I must figure out my health puzzle and put it back in place. I need to figure out how to get my diabetes back under control. Even with good eating, I have only been able to get it to drop to 186 (this morning). And, it is difficult to “eat well”. Amounts and types of food, absolute sugarlessness in my diet for the moment, and a ban on pasta all lead to great confusion and despair! *I think he said there would be gnashing of teeth in end times, I think I know that now!* But, I think it is doable. Now that I have given my publicly disemboweling speech, I may begin my health recovery in earnest. With school not nagging me and the speech given, I have the time in mind, peace, and reality, to put the pieces back together (or maybe, back in the box for another chance later).

I feel like I have been mashed, skinned, and heated. Mashed potatoes know of how I feel. My organs still hurt, though less. Even my body hurts a bit. My mind is slow to calculate, write, or act. As soon as I get my shit in one sock, I am going to call in and see if someone can look over my tired carcass. May not be tomorrow, might be. I just know it will happen before too long. I cannot pull or tug, promise or hope, jump and run or even crawl at this time, without it being just the right time and happening nearly spontaneously. Yes, I am in a honey trap or something, praying the rain comes, but that it does not rain too much. Just enough rain that I may escape to my trap, though with little hope it will be to other than my next (if less dangerous) trap!

The speech went well. The spirit moved me, those who prayed with and for me helped me to climb though some very dark times and places. I told them everything except about the service. Because of my confusion and remaining… I cannot go there. There is little I can tell them with any certainty, though I did explain that. In discussing some of what I did, I cleared the way for me to return to the Church. My fear that some of this might escape, become known, and betray me, had been a difficulty. In speaking about it, I have released the hold of that fear. Thankfully, my speech was the first given. I could not sleep the night before, so I was quite tired when at 20:00, I finally got up in front of the group to speak. Without the help of some there, their prayers and good words, time and counsel, I would not have been able to do what I did. It is amazing what we can do. After my speech, and a good nights sleep, I really enjoyed the rest of the weekend. I saw that others have had a tough taste of life, and have come to know God much more sincerely because of it, like me. All seem to continue to struggle, of course. It was a fantastic weekend. I just wish my health had not been nagging at me in the background. I am hoping to be a part of next years session, and I have let them know they may call on me. As well, after missing this years women’s group, I plan on getting on board next year to help with meals. I just feel called to it, and a bit frustrated and guilty with this years situation.

Ok, I hope that sets your troubled minds to ease. I am alive, if feeling as happy and hale as a colicky baby, though slightly quieter. I will try to write more, but the will and the way are not necessarily well connected again and at the moment. Hey, but I do think of you in my moments with God. Things you have said, doubts you have had, wisdom I have seen through you. Those things float through my mind and into to my prayers, and often. Call me an open book, especially to God.

Death, it is near. (Day 52?)

I doubt if it will come for me, actually. Though it is close enough that it could. It stalks me with ill health, all the snow removal, and lots of pressures. At least it no longer lives in my mind, turning my thoughts against me. Still, I do foolish things in order to try and “win”. To try and break the cycle of losses, I push like few can, few of those who can would, and the risk is there. I will not go into detail, the harping would harangue me! I need peace while I heal.

I just took my second test in school. I do not know how I did, but it was tough. I can barely keep up, and not even quite that. I do what I can, and must, but it is a tough game this time. Simpler course, but inconsistencies, tough weather, illness, and other stresses really are pushing me to my ends. We will see.

Well, at least I have stayed tobacco free since January 7th. Heck, I might make some real improvements in my life. Oh, and my lady friend has started coming by again, from time to time. And, I have some plans for a duck dinner with the neighbors in a week. I will firm that up though, as it was made 2 weeks ago. My speech is tomorrow night. I cannot say how well I will do. But I will do my best. It being done, I will have one less item (and a major one), on my plate for this year. Perhaps this will free me up to getting back to work on school. A 25 minute speech about my intimate nature, based on self knowledge, is not going to be easy. And, though the run-throughs have been good, the real thing might be different. It changes every time.

Okay, I thought I best put something up. At least to let you know I am still alive. Even if my organs feel like they did after a major brawl. Probably worse, I became pretty tight after a while of that. I keep thinking something must be about ready to shut down, after weeks of these pains. Kidney, liver, who knows, it is all up for a crash! Bah, I would never get so lucky!

Busy, busy, busy, and a bad headache. (Day 42)

I have been, and remain, too busy to spend much time blogging. In falling behind in circuits, a course I find that no matter what I am behind because everyone in class has seemingly been goofing with these components for quite some time personally or professionally and the course is paced as such, catching up may not be a realistic possibility. As I see it, I may be doing good to get a C. Hey, just being realistic here, not pessimistic. On top of that, I still have some work left regarding my speech. And, we just got nailed with enough snow, rain, and sleet to break my back. So, I take a little time to update, and then tell of an interesting dream, then, back to the grind.

Last night, I dreamed I was an alligator, long before man walked this plane. I lived out, seemingly, nearly a complete life cycle. From fleeing bigger creatures to survive, while tackling smaller creatures to gain size, struggling to find little bits of land and water I could hunt which would sustain me, then I moved on to bigger and better places as I grew and strengthened. Doing well enough, finally, so that I could mate. Then, somehow through the dream, I nearly instantly morphed through many creatures to finally, again, be a man. I noticed certain similarities between all the other beasts and myself. I also noted major differences.

Intelligence, self knowledge, awareness of time, among other things were missing in these animals. What was similar was lust, hunger, a cunning which sought an edge in feeding, caring for oneself (sometimes one’s clan, family, mate, or offspring), and other natural aspects. It was an interesting study, as I actually seemed to be these creatures, for a little while. I was still me, but could only function through them to their capacity. Really, odd, but I have had many animal dreams now. I have been an eagle, a bear, and a wolf. It is still always a strange feeling waking from that.

One thing that struck me in this dream, as no dream before, is that scaled or not, lust is a strong and natural thing for all of us who have been graced with the breath of God. It was developed in us as in animals by a God Who, as even the dunce Einstein might suggest, does not play the dice, take chances, or such. And yet, as a man, I see the grace imbued singularly upon my kindred and myself. I see that we may move beyond, through, and yet still with our lust to do His bidding. We may love purely even if a sexual interest exists, we may love wholly even if we are unable to produce children. We are singularly gifted, it is a blessing I do not overlook.

Zapped.

What an exhausting day. In spite of doing absolutely nothing, I have taken 4 naps so far. I could not keep my mind going, I could not reach critical intellectual mass to do anything (like homework), and I could not even keep my eyes open. My blood sugar, after a light breakfast and lunch, rose to 456 or so. It is still volatile. Though I will not complain about the rate of decline. I feel bruised, actually, internally. The wear and tear on my organs has not been small, though I think I will be fine. I will know better once my blood sugars are more in line with good health.

No, I am not going to see my doctor. When I see him next, or if his staff gets back to me about two other issues still outstanding with them, I will discuss arranging a blood test either soon or when I am next scheduled for an appointment. I just do not like being pressed to use insulin (and will not). I do not think there is much they may do to help me, in any case, other than to check and see if my bruised feeling organs are actually damaged (probably not though, I really am a tank of an ammortal). Think about it though, needing to urinate 5 times (a night), and a dozen (or two) a day, those organs (kidney, bladder, maybe liver?), for several weeks before I realized the train had derailed, did get a work out.

I finally broke down and put on a cup of fresh French Press French Roast (lovely stuff, but do pardon my French). It did work. With my need to get back on the homework train, and my need to do some shopping coffee may be on the menu, in the short run, toward those ends in spite of caffeine’s negatives (both blood pressure and blood sugar). I will be careful, two big cups a day max, but life is about trade-offs. Even if you do not realize it, you take risks every day for love, money, and fun. This is for all three, if you disagree, cool, put a prayer in G-mail. God is open 24/7. And, He has been quite forgiving, giving, and loving to me so far. Two plus Two, with Him, equals what it is supposed to, even if that is a healthy 24 or something.

Oh, I forgot the mention this yesterday. My lady friend called and wanted to go for dinner yesterday. While a loverly notion, I was, of course, at school. At least I was just in open study, not in class, so I took the call. I turn my cell off in class (church, meetings, with people I am enjoying time, unless something truly Vital is in play like during my Mum's surgery) in any case, so I would otherwise have missed it. She was sorry about not going Saturday, but really, it did not ring true. I think she was quite tired, she had cold fatigue, she (if she even did that) had a smaller event in mind, and I hope she rested up and maybe cleaned or organized in her rabbit warren. I have no difficulty with that, and will not place too much guilt on her for that (she does enough herself, sometimes, and more so if I let it go, odd that), I just note my frustration here. I would like to get together with the witch soon though. I miss seeing her, occasionally, and just talking with a pretty lady, and this one in particular. Liberal, true, but that is the usual natural price for being born with no droppers. Oh, though, there are some who have learned, exceptions are not rules.

Gee, I love digging holes. Dig, dig, dig, “ouch”. Yes, women do love to through rocks, especially if you dig too far. Though I have noted, they will then join you. Ha! Our male and female reality was my first proof that God has a dark, romantic, poetic, odd sense of humor. It is never stated, as with Him, it just Is.

Better. (Day 37 )

Incredible, to me anyway. From over 600, down to 492, now at 295, my blood sugar has corrected incredibly fast. Those are the reading for the last 3 days. Of course, no sugar has been consume, and regular meals have been on the menu. I probably have been eating less, as well. Mostly lollipops and snacks are what have been cut. I still have the munchies, really heavily. I have been using sugarless gum to help with that. I guess it will have to do.

I am not feeling a lot better yet. Some things are better, though, such as sleeping longer without needing to use the restroom, sleeping a whole night through, being able to stay awake all day, and a bit better concentration. None of it is perfect, or "normal" again yet, but it is better. That blood sugar is resting (no food or water over my sleep period). Each meal takes it up, 20 to even 40 points. Still, when it gets back in line, I am hoping life will ease quite a lot. Then, of course, I will have some catching up to do, both regarding school work and life issues.

I spoke with my lab partner last night. He is behind in the homework. He indicates that he understands the material, but that he just has not had the time to do it. I indicated I would put in as much time as I could. And, that I really wanted to get a handle on the material. I suggested that even talking this out to a rock which offers nothing back, it might not be a complete wash for him, if that is all I can offer at times. At least he got a chuckle from that. Sometimes it works that way for me, though usually, once I get going, I can help understandings a great deal for any study partner.

I am not sure what all I need to do today, so I best get to waking up and get going on it.

A few things completed, but it looks pretty ugly.

I did get in to reconciliation today. However, I had intended to make it to church in the lead up to the event. I believe the priest I had spoken with also expected this. I did not realize it snowed, so gave myself only a normal amount of time to get to church. Though, perhaps it is just how bad the roads are anyway, even without the newer snow, but whatever the case, I could not get there in time, not even really close, so I waited to contact him afterward. Not well played, but it is done.

After this, I headed to school. My instructor worked a bit of the material with me. I did what I could, then he would help, and so forth. I will need a lot of work. My test was a little less than average. I think my weakness in this class is physics. I do not have it. I also do not have a general feel for electronics. I think many in the class do have that feel, and often, some practical experience. I will really have to figure out how to dig in, diabetes or no. Class went as well as it will, and we had our first lab tonight. Nothing went well, really. I have been exhausted since heading to class. I would almost have given anything for a few days to sleep.

Unfortunately, I have no tine to sleep. I have a good deal of homework to do, a lab write-up, a class project, and bits and pieces of other necessities to attend. I am not sure how well this will go, but I will do what I can. I already am pushing it, and I might have to really shove to get back on track. I am about to have dinner, then head to bed. I am just too tired to do anything else. I am only even having dinner because I am extremely hungry and I think it would be wise to eat more properly for a while, at least until my blood sugar is normalized, otherwise my need for sleep would win either of those alone.

An early wake up and a new way.

I slept well, going to bed around 20:00 and waking about 6:43 (all my clocks and my watch disagree, it motivates and… I never have been able to keep them exactly in congruence). I did need to use the bathroom many times last night, though I feel somewhat rested. My guess is, I did not get the sleep I needed, and that will make it sort of a junky day. Still, I have quite a few things to do. I must go to church today, then to… they do not prefer we call it confession anymore, but that is all I can remember of a term for it. Then, I need to rush up to school and see if my instructor has time to work with me on the material. He has indicated an interest, though the early part of the time available clashes with my church activities. Does it seem to anyone else as if when a time is free, and someone puts a claim to it, everyone else seems to want that same time slot? Oh well, it will work out.

I checked my blood sugar this morning. At 492, it is at least readable. I mean to see if there are suggestions, other than just avoiding sugar, which might help lower that count. I am hoping to find something that might actually flush the junk. Though, I need to be careful. Part of the reason I quit using insulin was due to the fact that it was dropping my blood sugar far too low, down into the 50’s, maybe high 40’s. I knew right out that those numbers were serious.

I will not be able to ski today, I believe. I will have to do so tomorrow. That is no real bother though, and perhaps I can more clearly decide then find where I want to ski here in this area. I am just itching to get at it, now that I have the equipment. Considering it costs $15 per day, or $30 for M-F, I decided to rent them for M-F. But the only real way to profit from that strongly, is to use them more than twice in that time. So, I have a goal of actually skiing every day, that, my friend, is called capitalism. And, it works. Skiing every day saves me $45 from the next lowest price, that of $15 per day. The weekly rental ($60), used daily, only saves the same $45 dollars, so it loses economy over the period. As well, weekends are not the greatest time to be skiing, so many others get out that the ski areas must be clogged. This is a very vibrant community, and people do take advantage of what is available to them. Good, bad, a little of both, but I tend to like the idea, if not all of the realities.

I had best get things on the road. Clean teeth will start it off, breakfast to follow, then… I am not quite that awake yet. But, it will be a busy day, to be sure. Oh… I will be buying a study bible, a concordance, both, or something. I need to get my scriptures set for my speech. And anyway, I need those items. Yeah, I am going broker and broker, and it might put things off, but, se la vie! Ok, I should not be so cavalier, but how can one not be when riding the avalanche that is life, and understanding it as such? Have a great day, and ride that reality storm like you knew what you are doing! Heck, do a flip, it really does not matter. Ha!

I think I did it all, or pretty close.

Let us see. I upgraded my phone, got water, rented the skis, even checked out a local ski area (could not get back to it though, it looked like a water main had broken, and they were finishing up the repairs, which closed off the two lane road back to the area, if I was in the right place, anyway), I called my priest and I have arranged an appointment with him tomorrow afternoon, and the rest, I believe. It took me all day to get everything done. Everyone moves so slowly. The cell phone upgrade took at least two, and probably pushing into three hours to complete. It seemed insane, but I could tell it was not the young woman working with me who was holding things up (?). Their system seemed to be very slow tonight, then again, it is always slow. I cannot believe how much I got done today, though I am quite tired. I am charging the phone, and will play with it tomorrow, if I can concentrate.

I purchased the BlackBerry 8030, I think. The Pearl is smaller (a minus for my hand size anyway) and I did not like how it types. As well, the one I purchased is the only one which may be fitted for international travel. I asked if it would handle MS documents, and was told yes, probably, for a fee. I will have to check into that. I have 30 days to return it, no questions asked. A $400 phone for $100 dollars, and one I could really use if it all works out, I can deal with that. My old phone seemed to be a half step into the techno grave, battery time was slipping and the calendar alarms and messages did not always ring through. Plus, Verizon has changed, they no longer extend the contract for all phones when just one is changed. If they tried that this time, I was not only going to back out, I was going to cancel Verizon.

I just had a bite to eat, otherwise I would check my blood sugar. I will check it in about two hours. I wonder how fast I can bring it down this time. I will not go in and ask for insulin again, so it might take a bit longer. Hrmph! It will get down or not. Though tired, and without the ability to focus very well, I am actually feeling fine. Goodnight.

Quite a bit done, a few things left to do (many things, actually), the whole time sky high.

I finally got off my duff today and went into the wild. Rocky now has 8 little friends. My blood sugar device has a new battery and is set up. I probably will get over to the ski rental place. I was near the business, then I freaked. I thought, what if $15 dollars is just for the skis, with boots, poles, and who knows what else as extra. I know I called before, but as I remember it, I only asked about “ski rental”. Business do not always offer more information than what is asked. It is sometimes a trick, sometimes it is a 16 years old answering the call, with no clue about connections or ultimate costs, values, and such. After checking, it is indeed just $15 for the whole thing. I have been to the grocery store, picking up almost everything. I forgot to bring my empty jugs for water refills, I figure I can do that on my way to pick up the skis. As well, I called the VA to check on my doctor’s progress in contacting VA Vocation Rehabilitation Services, leaving a message as usual. And, last night (I think) I emailed about helping the ladies with their CEW (Christian Education Weekend). They need meal preparation assistants, so I am signing up for lunch and dinner, Saturday I believe. Though I have suggested they use me where they need the most help, so that might change. I will probably also try to contact my priest and see about a confession soon. I need it, but things have just been very tight lately. I kept trying to make it Saturday mornings, but I do not seem capable, at this time. So, I must do what I must do.

After returning home, I immediately set up my blood testing kit. I went through and set it all up, time, date, beeper, and some things I was not sure about, but had to pick, then tried it. I came up with “HI”, as the readout. Stupid machine. I could not immediately find the manual, so I went online in search of more detailed information. I assumed I had set something up incorrectly. I found information online, but not enough. As I was looking through this and that, here at my cave, I happened upon the manual. It was as empty as the online information, no help either place. So, I called the VA back (after my earlier call), and asked to speak with someone who knew something. I actually was sent to the right woman right away. I asked her about the readings. It seems, since I have not used this device in some time and that the blood collecting strips were opened and have been opened for a long time, they have probably become invalid. Otherwise, the thing would be indicating a blood sugar out-of-range of the device, say, 600 or more. Whew, ok, so, I find the only spare unopened bottle of test strips. I set the machine for them, and… “HI”. Ok, I had better quit with the sugar, yesterday. Man, one of these days I am just going to pop… Maybe today, really. Frig it, I cannot stop now. At least I understand some of the symptoms. It will be interesting to see if I can make it.

I have some phone calls to make, a visit or two, and a few bits of shopping left. Oh, do not bother knocking on wood, either way. I will never be that lucky. Trust me, my way is the way of pain, not a fluffy coma into oblivion. And, whoever delivers that pain will probably suffer much more than I, meaning, it will be a small army that brings me down at some atrocious attrition, someday. Well, a girl can dream, can’t she? HA! I slay me.

That stupid crawdad. (Day 35)

Rocky went through 7 “pals” in one day. I do not know how or why he did this. It is the worst case of carnage I have ever seen. I keep removing rotting bits of goldfish, only to find more every time I turn around. He does not have pockets, so I have no idea where he hides the fetid fish bits between cleanings. At least the bits are tasty, with a little vinegar. Old English tavern fish and chips vinegar is the best for the fetid sushi.

I have a good deal to do today. I will take a look at the weather, if it is to remain chill, perhaps with the chance of more snow, I will rent skis later today. I need to purchase a battery for the blood sugar monitor. I would like to get Rocky more friends. I have a bit of grocery shopping to do, milk, whole whipping cream, water refills, and a few other essentials fill the list to a minor excursion. Since I missed CPAC, I thought about recording a few “Boo”s for McCain, and getting those off. I have to send my mother an extra charger for her cell phone, luckily I have one so only need to pay shipping costs. I would like to drop by and look at new cell phones, I will probably get a Blackberry. As life is heating up, I need a little more connectivity, seriously. As well, the ability to work on certain files, emailed to me, often on the fly, will make life much easier. With what I save finally being able to rid myself of two of the four phone lines on my system, I should come out just fine, over time. I will have to print this post just to stay on track.

Homework will be something I must figure about throughout the day as well. When I am not doing that, I will probably get busy on my apartment again, of course, when not doing some parts of the list above or that last. I am not sure how far I can dig into it, but I will do what I can so that if my instructor decides to help out, I will be a bit more squared away, and ready to re-digest the material.

Oh, fine, I will leave you alone, eat a few bagels with cream cheese and sip some orange juice, and then get busy. After getting some of the house (much of it) clean, I do feel better. It will be interesting to see what I can get done. I am already feeling the need for sleep after being up two hours, and having slept a full night. Oh well, have a good day yourself.

I am not sure…

I cannot be sure what is wrong. I am remaining active, but I am still exhausted. On top of the other symptoms, I feel perpetually bloated. I really am not sure what it is. I almost skipped out on my meeting tonight. Really, I am quite tired. I went to the meeting, if I felt very odd. There were things I needed to have tonight, I only completed one of the three. I am unsure how to complete the others, quickly and rightly anyway. I will try to have these done by next week. In spite of the lack of concentration and wakefulness, I am continuing on as I may. I forgot to pick up a battery for the blood serum/sugar/whatever tester. Just too many things on my mind. Tomorrow, promise.

I have decided to help the ladies out with their weekend event, by working in the kitchen for them. I have contacted my instructor, and asked if we can get together to look over some of the material. I have been trying to get my doctor and financial advisor together, to no avail. I am still trying to figure out what I need to do to get some a medical release for some of the classes I last took, when hampered by high blood pressure medicine. As well, I am trying to figure out how to get skiing started up. I know I am trying to spend little or nothing, but…

You know what, in spite of being a cripple, numb from the neck up, and down, and being exhausted too, I am doing pretty good. Yeah, it is tough. Yes, the results are rough, incomplete, ongoing, or all three! Ha. But I am doing it as I can, within my abilities, and up to the limits of my capacity, and then some. Life is just frustrating. It will not get much better, probably, without getting a whole lot worse. Oh, by the way, I saw a woman tonight, and again, who has attracted my eye, both of them in truth. I will not quite give my heart, I am not sure if she is the one. I know she could be, maybe. Plus, I think she likes me, always a hug, knows my name, you know. I will have to ask about her, but I am not sure who knows her. Drats!

Okay, I will go. I did a spot of cleaning today, and would like to finish a few more tasks. I might look over the course work and try and make some sense of it. Perhaps an early hour into bed might provide a decent and right awakening. Sleep well yourself, or… have a good day... whichever suits your needs or interest.

The Reloader. (Day 34)

Ok, I finally looked at my finances. If I spend nothing this or next month, other than bills and very little for food, I might be able to buy it next month. Actually, I could do it today, I have a credit card, again, and finally (I waited for a 9.9% card). My deal with credit cards is this, I will only spend what I actually have in the bank. More, I cannot use that money to pay it off, and I must continue my savings program, paying the card down with my free money. I do not know how well it will work, but I am trying to do it correctly this time. I have a little money coming back from a return and the tax refund thing ($300 for disabled vets). I may wait for those, which would put me well in advance, if I can just keep from spending almost anything until then, I might be able to afford both the reloader and my next item, probably an AK-47 and 6 magazine, plus 2 extra magazines for my XD .45, plus some extenders and expanders for those last.

After these necessities are cared for, I can probably get back to outdoor gear purchases. I may go ahead with the reloader, and hold off on the rest though, waiting to see if the guys are running a white water trip this year. I feel bad about getting all excited about it, then having to back out. This time, I am trying to plan ahead. Bah, I should be honest. I am horrible with money. I always think I have more than I do, I hold onto my coin like a typical sailor on leave, but I like to dream. Anyway, that is still the plan, until tomorrow most likely, somehow.

I am having a great deal of difficulty focusing on homework, or anything really. I did find my blood sugar monitor (whatever it is really called). I have not picked up a new battery, but now that I have found it, that will get done today. I am falling behind in school and am not sure how to shove the thing back on track. I may have to write an email to my instructor and see if he would be willing to try and help me jumpstart my studies. I would ask my study mate, but though he seems more up on it than I, he struggles greatly with this material and has his hands far too full to mess with this I think. The good thing is that the group meetings I have been required to attend each Sunday will end after this Sundays meeting. It seems simple, but one more thing tires me that much more. I would not even call it a linear thing, the exhaustion ends up being exponential for each additional activity. Though, I had better get my speech together. I am supposed to have my music ready today, and my scripture passages. Arghhh… I had not realized this until I reviewed the email today. I knew it was coming, just not when. I think I have the music (it is as… questionable, yes, questionable, as my speech, perhaps it will work).

Oh, after all things are bought and trips made, then I will look at either a .308 rifle and scope (probably a Remington 700 R5 Mil Spec, with solid Leupold glass, though that is still open) or a .500 S&W Magnum, in either 5”-6” or 8 ¾” barrel, I will have to check them side by side with a holster, to check draw. It would also be nice to plug a few rounds through each. Of course, that will be after some more camping gear. Eventually I will be caught up enough that I might be able to simply save again, someday.

And, if you were curious, I have remained tobacco free. And, no, I am still tight about it. It happens less often, but the severity is still intense. It is difficult to imagine something could be this intense, and seemingly (obviously, immediately) useless. Yet, I know that down further, and for more than health reasons, quitting is right, for me and now. Oddly, the last time I quit (for about 3 months), I do not remember it being anywhere near this bad (though I used the patch the first month and a half, starting heavy and moving to medium, then light, two weeks each as I remember it).

Suspicious. (Day 32)

Incessant thirst, odd moods, persistent exhaustion, and the need for frequent urination all lead me to suspect diabetes is back. I have been drinking a bit more soda, and eating more treats. At first, my consumption was minor. As time went on, I began to drink the stuff like I used to drink it, which is way too much. The batteries in my blood tester have died, and at the time they did so I had such good blood sugar that I had not replaced them. One more thing on my list of things to do, in spite of my incapacity to do as much as I had only recently been able to do. Then again, it is only a suspicion. Perhaps my exhaustion is just seasonal, perhaps it is something I have to fight forever, but with the other things, I am taking precautions. No more soda, for a while, no sugary treats, at least what I prefer to eat primarily is sugar free. Meat, I just love fresh cooked meat, and sometimes vegetables when I can remember about them, and fruits. Fruits are becoming my new snack food, again. Yeah, I am a dork. Yes, I should have known. Hush, you…

My vacation is off. My friend lied to me, but women do that. She said she was afraid of the weather, but it is beautiful today, and will probably be fantastic tomorrow and better Sunday. She mentioned how tired she is, at first. Fine, I understand that. But, I felt like there was something she was not telling me. After the first and second time trying to get me to drop out of the thing, she admitted she wants to go to a charity dinner Saturday night. Beyond, she thought perhaps I would go with her. The charity is for local social charities, such as the homeless shelter and perhaps the food-closet for the needy. Not really something I believe in, as it has become a huge local problem, one that money does not seem to be fixing. Still, there are times I do things for the company, people involved, and such, things I would not otherwise do. However, though she is on a positive for this, the fact that is will be held by and in one of the churches which I felt compelled to leave, and so worry about social difficulties, I had to decline. I just do not believe in any of the social programs, which they have used to replace their Christian faith. As freaky as I might be, I understand and reject the oddities of my life. I understand God does not reject me for any eccentricities, but He has a preference how we deal with the oddities that exist in a fallen world. Some do not understand, perhaps they cannot, perhaps they will not. All I know is that I am not among them. In this case, God said “No”, and I realized the Catholic Church has it, inherently, if there are problems. Paul was working on that from the start, and if still alive, would still be working on it. That has passed to his successor(s).

Well, I will not complain greatly about the change of plans. I really am exhausted. I really am hoping by changing my behavior, I might be able to get to work on the class material. I could also get some housecleaning finished. Oh, my landlord called today. I had informed him that the sheriff’s department had left a note wanting to contact my former neighbor (go figure). Though, by the looks of it, it is just the sheriff trying to serve court papers regarding debt. I had a cousin living with me, who ended up with such difficulties. He decided to drop by today, to check on the other apartment (and tinker, I think he likes working there, now that he is retired), and to thank me for letting him know. He missed me, though, as I was napping, so he called this afternoon. He called both to thank me for passing on the information, but more, for keeping the drive and walk so clean. Yeah, this is a new thing. I am getting better, and it shows, I guess.

Now I have worked, alas I am both out of beer and grounded from it anyway. (Day 31)

When I went to survey the snow removal task while I checked the mail, I realized I was in a heap of trouble. Across my double wide drive stood a 12’ x 5’ road/snow grader leaving. It was between 1’ and 2’ across at the top, he must have been by several times. The material had been slush and snow, now it was ice, and it could support my 300 pounds. There were chunks I could not break apart and had to lift and toss, like logs or boulders and of some significant size. Ok, I must be old. It took three times at the pile to get it down and out, with an hour or two break between shifts. At least, after the final shift, I was able to just use the snow blower on the sidewalk and the rest of my drive without a rest. All my neighbors had their work done. I can only imagine this is one time they really would have liked if I had gotten to it all quickly. I did not realize it was there until around 1:30 or so this morning.

I am really beating myself up on this snow. Perhaps that is why I am so tired. I have started drinking a lot more plain water, I have been thirsty as the devil and nothing seems to quench that thirst. All the work has probably been dehydrating me, and soda, coffee, and milk will not quite fill that void, soda and coffee hurt the situation. I have consumed about 3 gallons of water these last two days, and mostly avoided soda and coffee. Milk and orange juice has also been in the line-up, as at least it does not feel like those dehydrate me. Actually, I am finding that winter wear, with heavy labor close to home, is not at all necessary. Still, I wear it like a lumberjack or something, sometimes. Whether it is -9 F, 21 F, or 36 F, heavy work makes life easy. I am not sure how long that would last, and I am pretty sure without a close warm shelter, cooling down while in a rest period could be severe if not done correctly (as I already knew). Still, it is fun for play, and probably will be very useful for sport and extended winter events.

I think I will reward myself though. A hearty breakfast out would be good. There is a new Ihop in my area. Though I think I prefer Perkins, I think there is only one sure way to know. I get to feed my gullet and avoid messing up the already pretty messy kitchen, try a new place, and feel good about it all. Plus, maybe it will give me some energy to tear into the homework and maybe alternately clean the kitchen when that gets too tight. Nice, a workable plan.

I have developed a plan for the gas, fill the machine up after every use and as I put it away. I will then know to get gas before I am completely out. Sure, yeah, I suppose some of you know this from your own work with the lawn or snow blowing. I am a relative newbie to this sort of thing. The little pieces are what add together to produce a well rounded socially and mechanically fit adult man. Broken or not, that is what I am trying to become. Perhaps in the effort I will become, perhaps it is just the doing, or, maybe something has changed and I now can do what is needed, if in small bits still and so far. I do note, regardless, I can still disappoint myself sorely.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

Wow, what was in that beer?

I have looked around the web. I may actually quit blogging after this one. I went WAY overboard. This is more than embarrassing. I really did only drink 10 beers, if I drank them… well, very fast. I probably had the first 6 down in 10 minutes, the rest in about another half hour. After that, I just coasted. I cannot believe I said some of what I said, and, I cannot remember saying it. I have become a lightweight, and a horrible one. I keep stumbling over little piles of stupid, and I am just amazed I was such an idiot. For shame! Really. I am thinking about whether to quit blogging, or not.

Oh, and, I was wrong. I do not believe much of what I said. I am not even sure I understand half of what I said. Though, after I blush while reading, I am not sure making sense out of it is necessarily possible. Wow, I do not understand how this happened. Really, I try to be a decent guy. Could I get that confused, mean, or stupid that easily?

More snow on the ground.

I could have gotten out earlier and blown the snow off, but it had not quite stopped the last time I looked. It seems to have stopped at this point, and it probably stopped shortly after I checked, given that it appears no real accumulation occurred between then and now. I must admit to be becoming a bit tired of removing the stuff. Once a week, fine. Three, four, and fives days a week, even several times each day on several of those days to boot, gets a bit old. If I have to do it, though, I feel pleased that I can help out some of the neighborhood. I have the time, and I have always enjoyed helping others out, I just finally have enough on the ball to get out and do so. Oh, I ended up sipping three beers. It really was quite nice.

I received an email from my teacher. It seems classes were called off moments after I sent my email. In spite of checking the colleges webpage, I saw nothing indicating this had been done. I am a bit miffed at the school about this. I suppose I will get over it, perhaps even survive and flourish. I am pretty sure we will get through the material, what could they do otherwise (without a refund anyway)? Still, with this many lost days, and so far, it has actually been difficult to stay on track. Reading ahead is asking for a punch in the nose and mucho confusion. Huh? Yeah, that, exactly. What? Okay, I will stop that.

I have been spending 12 hours or more blowing snow this week, so I have not messed with skiing. Skiing has several interests, in part as an exercise activity, in part to test cold weather gear, in part as a skill I wish to master for real world use. Though, of course, I learn nothing about skiing by not doing, I do get the other two managed. As well, when I tell a teacher I do not wish to risk driving, I mean it. School IS a joy for me, mostly. So, risking the roads to ski just has not been a priority. It is not completely the icy conditions, or potential for ice, though those are considerations, it is mostly the idiots who think front wheel drive vehicles are good enough for the conditions (often while talking away on a cell phone!). I really have not seen four wheel drive vehicles out being macho, I have seen subcompacts trying to prove they are equal to my vehicle. And worse, I have seen sports cars out “having fun”. Idiots, I pretty much put my Camaro SS up for the winter, it is absolutely useless and very dangerous to me and everyone else on the road. There is no driving slow enough with it (though I miss it dearly, I wish I could have kept it for summer fun).

Just a tip, if you see a vehicle that weighs three times what your vehicle weighs, it is geared for four wheel drive and obviously well suited to that, and it has wheels that are obviously superb on snow, do not push that vehicle by riding his bumper, idiot. If I am going 25 in a 40, it is for a reason. For one thing, I would love to have a better than stock bumper, and should I be a little… unhappy, you will end up buying it for me. And, really, it probably will just be paint you bother on my vehicle (good enough to get me a new bumper though), while your car and insurance will be a real mess. Plus, you might end up buying me a top grade (steel) under-shielding, solid rock-crawling suv skis, that bumper, and maybe a little vacation somewhere, like a wild ski/hunt/camp week in Colorado, Utah, Alaska, or somewhere away from your ilk. Can you say… “Ouch, my neck!”? Just a thought, friend. Too bad I actually have a conscience. Life could be so easy, without even trying because so many people are stupid that being there when they are is half the trick, or more.

The Nag called again. She is afraid of the weather, and is thinking she will not go. She believes I can get my money back with a 24 hour notice of cancellation (fine, so she called my bluff. I told her they said 1 week notice to receive a refund, in spite of not having been told any such thing and suspecting 24 hours myself, mostly to get her to just be quiet until it was a little closer, or sure, weatherwise. Sorry, but I feel the need to treat her like a kid sometimes). Anyway, I finally just tapped it out, I am going whether she goes or not, if the weather is even decent and probably going to remain that way for a full 24 to 36 hours. Actually, that, I think, worked. And really, if she is tired, she can check the one or two things she really wants to know, and I can have fun on my own, while she goes back and sleeps. I miss her, and dearly, but only when she is gone. Lulz

Two more snow clearings since last I wrote. (Day 30)

Between the snow and rain yesterday, and the snow today, there is a mess to deal with. I shoveled last night, shoveling since it was late when I finally got around to doing anything (as it seemed to stop and I had hoped to get some of it done, plus I wanted to leave without tracking through snow). Oh well, by the time I made it to the grocery store, then had a breakfast, snow had started falling again, and so heavy that it was as if I had not shoveled. Oh well, it was good to get out, and I really needed what I bought.

My lady friend had thought to cancel our weekend event. She had heard that we were to have snow from now to 9 or 10 days out. I just happened to be looking at one of my three online weather sites, so I suggested she allow me to check. No, she had to go, but wondered if I could check and call back. Done, no snow at least three days before our departure date, and then a light snow at that. So, I called back and let her know if she just does not wish to go, that would be fine too. It seems it was just the incorrect weather reports (gossip) she had heard. So, the thing is on.

It rained, yesterday, before class. Then it snowed. Hovering at freezing, the weather was just too much of a stretch. I have a 4x4, but I see no reason to drive on ice, or even risk it. So, I emailed my instructor several hours before class and just explained that I would not be to school. I have heard nothing back, so I am not sure if I am in trouble or not.

Oh, at Bane’s, I keep having a difficulty when I hear women being touted as combatants. He asked why, and I really had to think about it. Up to this point, it has just been a knee-jerk reaction, literally pretty much. I did not really want to look at it, but went ahead and thought about it. I think there are three primaries with a minor thing that tugs me to react so staunchly. The first is that, at 10 or 11, 5’11” and a little over a hundred pounds, I had had enough of beatings from my mother. She, at the time, was 5’11” and 160 (at least, overweight but strong for a woman, having been a farm girl). When she finished that one, I turned around and told her if she tried to do that again, I would take her down, and meant it. So foolish was this, and probably many, women, that I knew it was bound to happen. So, as an 11 year old, I had to be the man of the house, and get myself into a foster home. And, yes, she probably did deserve it. Second, after watching my Mom get smacked down like a child by my adoptive father, I have no doubt about things. He was not a fighter, he had nothing that made him any different from any other normal guy, and my mother was a farm girl, a tough one, definitely a bit of a tom boy too. Next is that, though I always have kept myself in line, if some woman is stupid enough to punch me, I will show her why she should never ever do that. I have rage from many sources. Having to put up with women is not a small one. Especially when women actually think they are anything like my equal. I just think it a great folly to try and get women to think they have any chance at real combat equality. Oh, last, the extra. I have a cousin who decided to go into wrestling. I am quite sure they put her on hormones, testosterone or hgh, maybe both. She was able to compete, dosed up so much she looked like a boy, though she ended up tearing out a shoulder joint after only a few years of this (now she, again, looks more like her Mom than her Dad). Anyway, when she got married, she tried to compete with her husband, a cop. Guess what, she lost her ass, probably literally. Ok, having said that, I will no longer comment at Bane’s about this. I am pretty sure I have taken care of my part of my problem, or at least I have identified the problems. Well, he did ask, and… I did not know until I thought about it.

Oh, I am not sure I have seen every comment I made. But I have seen quite a few. I think next time I will disassemble my access to the internet next time! How embarrassing, how rude, how crude, I have no defense. If it means anything, it was great fun, I think… I was adding salt to my beer, I was very thirsty, 10 beers went down in 2 hours or less, I think. I am glad I forgot I have fine whiskey, fine gin, fine vodka, and superb scotch.

Update:

It is snowing so fast, I cannot keep up with the snow blower. I did much of what I usually do, clearing one neighbors whole drive (their vehicle was gone), and part of the other neighbor’s driveway, plus quite a bit of sidewalk. However, as I was finishing my drive, a neighbor to my north about 3 houses came by and asked how much. At first, I thought… this guy must be stoned, he has to see I have a monster snow blower. Now, I figured he meant the other way, but I thought it best to just let him speak his peace. It ends up he needed my help. He was doing his place, by hand. The snow was too heavy (wet) for his snow blower. This was fine, but there was a problem, he needed to take care of his Mother’s drive, and he had to be to work soon. Never a problem, really. Someone is taking care of my Mother’s snow removal, I consider this a type of return. He insists on offering me money, much to my chagrin, but I end up taking it (I had little choice). Well, I will use the money for gas. He says he is a griller too, and promised to take care of me this summer. Heck, I can do that. I had been hoping to get something like a street party, but I did not know any of the black guys. Yeah, it is difficult, for me, to reach out. So, we will see this summer.

Well, I think I will have a beer or two. No worries, that is all I have, and it is all I am interested in having. Okay, maybe 4 beers. Oh, well, at least I did not have a hangover last time. Beer usually will not give me one though, even if I drink a case (unless I then drink some hard stuff too, on top of it). After working, and with 8 inches on the ground for a good part of that work, it was harder work this time, beer is a great treat.