.
.
Yesterday was a great day with a hard ending. I couldn't get to bed, then had trouble sleeping. I think I am pushing things with music and twice a week swimming. And yet I plan to continue doing so. Especially after reaching for my wallet and feeling solidifying man buns, the only ones I ever hope to feel. I haven't had them for decades. I would welcome them back with open arms, if that were possible, save in the pool. A rough night of sleep is worth the effort. I think that will come and go, with or without swimming, anyway.
Today was pretty much a day off. Tomorrow will be the same, mostly. I hope to get some work in the house started, or even finished, and prep for a more intense house cleaning this coming week. I want my kitchen back, at least, in order to cook some of the pork! I am meat hungry and ready to dig in. Bacon, sausage, ribs, chops... Breaded or fried or even steamed, served hot in any case, with this or that on the side. Hungry.
I keep seeing my body improve somewhere I hadn't noticed before. Muscles expanding, having a chest that clearly sticks out, having a very noticeable male looking physique, more solid legs, and now the beginnings of a real butt. A little over a month and... I can only imagine what a year, and throwing in weights too, will do. I hit things hard. I have a great capacity to push the limits, if I can get to the polls. If I had best... be a little cautious. Chomping on the bit still, but no longer kicking at the stable door. I am out, running. How far can I go though? How fast? I need straight weights as soon as possible. I have some doctor appointments coming up. I will check again then. While not ready, strength and fitness wise, I wouldn't mind having the approval ahead of time... so I can ease into it. My goals are 3 miles an hour swimming for an hour three days a week, and four hundred pound bench presses along with a rounded out similar straight weight regimen for the other lifts. I actually think that is possible. That will do what the medicines can't, actually possibly cure my heart.
Hmm, I need to get something to eat. Hungry doesn't describe what I am feeling but it's close enough. Good night.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Dark portents while the Ides of March approaches.
.
.
I can't say what is about to happen. I do know I am seeing a darkness where light should be becoming very possible. Some things cannot be killed, but they can be placed into dormancy. These too are things of God, if nothing else a sign. Time will tell.
.
I can't say what is about to happen. I do know I am seeing a darkness where light should be becoming very possible. Some things cannot be killed, but they can be placed into dormancy. These too are things of God, if nothing else a sign. Time will tell.
Just a reminder...
.
.
This has been known, and seen, long before it was commonly known. Now you, reading here, humble and fumblingly techy, know the truth. This will mean what you never would have believed. Oh, and good morning... to your future.
.
This has been known, and seen, long before it was commonly known. Now you, reading here, humble and fumblingly techy, know the truth. This will mean what you never would have believed. Oh, and good morning... to your future.
How could I not be pleased?
.
.
Good, bad, up, down, forgetting meds, and all the rest. I have been swimming since right around the start of January. I have begun reading again since that same time. My blood pressure is staying very good, well controlled. I've even thrown in upgrading and updating what had been a loaner and now seems to be a trade. I've missed some days of swimming, I pushed too hard for a bit, my house looks like the cats are running the place (not good), and there are other problems. But I am coming alive again, quickening, strengthening. I realize, even now, that most of my waking time still is not my own. While I always knew that, I guess I didn't realize how deep that was. Now I know. I am also seeing that, in some period of time, I may actually make all of my conscious time my own, escaping only while doing drudgery that must be done. Amazing. And this while still quite eligible to be put on the heart transplant list?
Swimming was excellent today. Music is a huge plus, but sticking it out, and getting back in when I mess up, means the world to gaining strength. My first lesson is in a week. Frankly I am a bit nervous. First, it is earlier than when I usually can go. Second, it is at a specific time. It is still quite a trick to make an appointment. Thankfully, this is only once every few weeks, for now. I was thinking, in March, to begin swimming a full hour. I may attempt, instead, to add a third day into the mix, again. I'm not sure I can support that, but it would be more amenable to lessons. It's worth a shot, and I was going to increase some aspect of swimming anyway.
Swimming has not just been good for muscles, lungs, skin, and even toenails (yes, my toe nails are clearing of long held, probably fungal, infection(s)). It has been good for many other things. I believe it is the reason I have been able to dial my sleep schedule back, somehow. What swimming is doing for me probably can't be calculated as simply as for other folk. My focus, my mind in general, is improving. I really wonder how much this will help my heart? I even realize that missing a session, or skipping as the case can be, doesn't even hurt, at this point. Often it has helped.
My friend didn't want to watch a show. Dinner, he suggested. So dinner it was. And, as usual, I was hungry as a bear after swimming. My appetite is back. I suspect the reason, initially, that appetite was surpressed by exercise was due to the fact that I was completely and utterly out of shape. Not that I am far from that even now, only that my metabolism and such has caught up with things. So a great meal was enjoyed. It should be warming up, soon enough, so that perhaps we can get out shooting again. That would be a nice change of pace. My friend has a number of new pistols to try out, and has nearly rebuilt a few of his favorite pistols, none of which he has been able to test. I just want a little time on target.
A little more tinkering with my iTunes library, then to bed early. I may have things to do tomorrow. I will be hitting my home, too. It is starting to smell a little funny, look a little haggard, and simply is begging for a little attention. With so many things going on, it's been too long since I had a lick or spit to offer. Ah, I did stop at a store to check on belts. It seems the model number is needed. I'll... get that. And actually try that data myself, to try to locate an actual belt number, then either order it or see who has it locally. But for tonight, just a slow slide into sleep.
Good night.
.
Good, bad, up, down, forgetting meds, and all the rest. I have been swimming since right around the start of January. I have begun reading again since that same time. My blood pressure is staying very good, well controlled. I've even thrown in upgrading and updating what had been a loaner and now seems to be a trade. I've missed some days of swimming, I pushed too hard for a bit, my house looks like the cats are running the place (not good), and there are other problems. But I am coming alive again, quickening, strengthening. I realize, even now, that most of my waking time still is not my own. While I always knew that, I guess I didn't realize how deep that was. Now I know. I am also seeing that, in some period of time, I may actually make all of my conscious time my own, escaping only while doing drudgery that must be done. Amazing. And this while still quite eligible to be put on the heart transplant list?
Swimming was excellent today. Music is a huge plus, but sticking it out, and getting back in when I mess up, means the world to gaining strength. My first lesson is in a week. Frankly I am a bit nervous. First, it is earlier than when I usually can go. Second, it is at a specific time. It is still quite a trick to make an appointment. Thankfully, this is only once every few weeks, for now. I was thinking, in March, to begin swimming a full hour. I may attempt, instead, to add a third day into the mix, again. I'm not sure I can support that, but it would be more amenable to lessons. It's worth a shot, and I was going to increase some aspect of swimming anyway.
Swimming has not just been good for muscles, lungs, skin, and even toenails (yes, my toe nails are clearing of long held, probably fungal, infection(s)). It has been good for many other things. I believe it is the reason I have been able to dial my sleep schedule back, somehow. What swimming is doing for me probably can't be calculated as simply as for other folk. My focus, my mind in general, is improving. I really wonder how much this will help my heart? I even realize that missing a session, or skipping as the case can be, doesn't even hurt, at this point. Often it has helped.
My friend didn't want to watch a show. Dinner, he suggested. So dinner it was. And, as usual, I was hungry as a bear after swimming. My appetite is back. I suspect the reason, initially, that appetite was surpressed by exercise was due to the fact that I was completely and utterly out of shape. Not that I am far from that even now, only that my metabolism and such has caught up with things. So a great meal was enjoyed. It should be warming up, soon enough, so that perhaps we can get out shooting again. That would be a nice change of pace. My friend has a number of new pistols to try out, and has nearly rebuilt a few of his favorite pistols, none of which he has been able to test. I just want a little time on target.
A little more tinkering with my iTunes library, then to bed early. I may have things to do tomorrow. I will be hitting my home, too. It is starting to smell a little funny, look a little haggard, and simply is begging for a little attention. With so many things going on, it's been too long since I had a lick or spit to offer. Ah, I did stop at a store to check on belts. It seems the model number is needed. I'll... get that. And actually try that data myself, to try to locate an actual belt number, then either order it or see who has it locally. But for tonight, just a slow slide into sleep.
Good night.
On my way to days again.
.
.
I did enough goofing yesterday, and work for the last week or two, to get to bed relatively early last night. Getting out of bed, as well, and before the alarm, just adds to the feeling of success. I am sure I have mentioned how much I hate waking to an alarm before. I take every opportunity to reassign the fact that I hate waking to an alarm to memory though. Oh, I'll do it. And I am glad for alarm clocks. I am simply not pleased by the reality that they are necessary. So when I escape their beeping, bleating, blaring, noise, I am always a bit happier of a man.
My goal is to get a shower in before noon. I had thought to consider making it to Mass. I woke at 10:15 so it was technically possible. Here it is already 11:00 and I have... no idea how so much time passed between now and then? While it is still technically possible, with the kind of time lapse I just saw I don't think it is truly possible. Next week I hope to try and be on track again for Mass. Yes, I do try. And while I seem to be gaining strength, doing more, making headway, most people don't understand just what a deep hole I am starting from. I paint a beautiful picture. But I create the context. I develop the scenarios. I edit the content. And you see what is right, or good, or successful. You don't get to see that I meant to do something at noon but didn't do it until 15:00. You don't get to see what else I failed to do. You don't get to see how much it cost. I am only slightly better than a 90 year old man, and not all of them. The difference is, with me, there is some hope at improvement. And that hope is accelerating. But I am not there yet. I am far from there.
Hmm, a shower by noon, an hour to rest and dry, then into town. I will be taking several movies for my friend to enjoy after the swim. I may see if I can get the belts I need, as well. The store that I bought my chainsaw at might carry them, as may another general bigbox hardware store, or so I heard. Other than that, I think my tasks in town will be rather limited today. Still, it will be a long day, depending on how many movies are watched.
Later.
.
I did enough goofing yesterday, and work for the last week or two, to get to bed relatively early last night. Getting out of bed, as well, and before the alarm, just adds to the feeling of success. I am sure I have mentioned how much I hate waking to an alarm before. I take every opportunity to reassign the fact that I hate waking to an alarm to memory though. Oh, I'll do it. And I am glad for alarm clocks. I am simply not pleased by the reality that they are necessary. So when I escape their beeping, bleating, blaring, noise, I am always a bit happier of a man.
My goal is to get a shower in before noon. I had thought to consider making it to Mass. I woke at 10:15 so it was technically possible. Here it is already 11:00 and I have... no idea how so much time passed between now and then? While it is still technically possible, with the kind of time lapse I just saw I don't think it is truly possible. Next week I hope to try and be on track again for Mass. Yes, I do try. And while I seem to be gaining strength, doing more, making headway, most people don't understand just what a deep hole I am starting from. I paint a beautiful picture. But I create the context. I develop the scenarios. I edit the content. And you see what is right, or good, or successful. You don't get to see that I meant to do something at noon but didn't do it until 15:00. You don't get to see what else I failed to do. You don't get to see how much it cost. I am only slightly better than a 90 year old man, and not all of them. The difference is, with me, there is some hope at improvement. And that hope is accelerating. But I am not there yet. I am far from there.
Hmm, a shower by noon, an hour to rest and dry, then into town. I will be taking several movies for my friend to enjoy after the swim. I may see if I can get the belts I need, as well. The store that I bought my chainsaw at might carry them, as may another general bigbox hardware store, or so I heard. Other than that, I think my tasks in town will be rather limited today. Still, it will be a long day, depending on how many movies are watched.
Later.
Not too much done, but all good.
.
.
I've been tinkering in iTunes, setting up albums by adding missing cover art and putting collections together as sometimes iTunes takes a 'greatest hits' album and splits it into parts of the albums they came from. A bit of tinkering, and learning a couple of keystroke shortcuts have made that job a LOT easier. I can't be sure how many albums are remaining that must be worked, and some albums have even heavier work, but I'm not worried about this. It is just something I will do here and there, when I need a break, or between other tasks. Tonight just happened to be one of those nights.
I need to find food though. I've been living on the incoming meals and a fast food stop or two a week for quite a bit. I've let the kitchen sort of fall apart. Now, I can't fix the kitchen tonight, but I am almost certain I can figure out something hot, meaty, and plentiful. Hungry... very seriously harshly hungry. A bite or dozen, then to crash and perhaps be up and out in time to swim tomorrow. So hollow, so thin, life that is, sometimes. I stretched things though, and so it's fine.
Food, sleep... that's all I can think or do, I hope. Good night.
.
I've been tinkering in iTunes, setting up albums by adding missing cover art and putting collections together as sometimes iTunes takes a 'greatest hits' album and splits it into parts of the albums they came from. A bit of tinkering, and learning a couple of keystroke shortcuts have made that job a LOT easier. I can't be sure how many albums are remaining that must be worked, and some albums have even heavier work, but I'm not worried about this. It is just something I will do here and there, when I need a break, or between other tasks. Tonight just happened to be one of those nights.
I need to find food though. I've been living on the incoming meals and a fast food stop or two a week for quite a bit. I've let the kitchen sort of fall apart. Now, I can't fix the kitchen tonight, but I am almost certain I can figure out something hot, meaty, and plentiful. Hungry... very seriously harshly hungry. A bite or dozen, then to crash and perhaps be up and out in time to swim tomorrow. So hollow, so thin, life that is, sometimes. I stretched things though, and so it's fine.
Food, sleep... that's all I can think or do, I hope. Good night.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Awake but clueless.
.
.
I can't remember what time I finally went to bed, if I think it was slightly before 10:00. I know I counted off the time and set the alarm for a proper length of sleep. I also know I woke before the alarm sounded, cutting my sleep quite short, but feeling fine for it. Stats have been taken, and were extra fine, medicines are about to go down too. It often surprises me how long it takes me to wake some days. I am thinking that at least an hour passes, just doing stats, getting the machine fired up, and just literally becoming actually conscious. Sometimes two will pass before I know what I am about.
I am not sure what to do today. It is a rough day. I have been pushing things, one way or another, for a bit. It is somewhere between a victory day and a crash day. I am not sure much will be done. And I don't mind. My goal is to get rested up, perhaps do, or start, a few cleaning projects, but focus on getting to swimming tomorrow and heavier cleaning this weekend.
It has been very cold lately, off and on, with very warm periods creeping in from time to time. The melting has kept the driveway clear. Still, I want to get going on the snow blower. Perhaps, if I make it in for the swim early enough tomorrow, I can stop at a couple of other stores before visiting my friend to watch movies and find a replacement belt. I still can't find the manual, if I haven't been looking as much as I would like. Then again, many manuals are generic, and cover all their models, so they don't always even have the actual belt type listed specifically. Still, I want that manual.
On to... whatever today holds.
.
I can't remember what time I finally went to bed, if I think it was slightly before 10:00. I know I counted off the time and set the alarm for a proper length of sleep. I also know I woke before the alarm sounded, cutting my sleep quite short, but feeling fine for it. Stats have been taken, and were extra fine, medicines are about to go down too. It often surprises me how long it takes me to wake some days. I am thinking that at least an hour passes, just doing stats, getting the machine fired up, and just literally becoming actually conscious. Sometimes two will pass before I know what I am about.
I am not sure what to do today. It is a rough day. I have been pushing things, one way or another, for a bit. It is somewhere between a victory day and a crash day. I am not sure much will be done. And I don't mind. My goal is to get rested up, perhaps do, or start, a few cleaning projects, but focus on getting to swimming tomorrow and heavier cleaning this weekend.
It has been very cold lately, off and on, with very warm periods creeping in from time to time. The melting has kept the driveway clear. Still, I want to get going on the snow blower. Perhaps, if I make it in for the swim early enough tomorrow, I can stop at a couple of other stores before visiting my friend to watch movies and find a replacement belt. I still can't find the manual, if I haven't been looking as much as I would like. Then again, many manuals are generic, and cover all their models, so they don't always even have the actual belt type listed specifically. Still, I want that manual.
On to... whatever today holds.
Now can I hazzes my life back?
.
.
Well, okay, that title wasn't written by me. The girls are getting rather jealous of me and the machine, with a cd book in my lap. Done, 363 albums, some of them multi-cd... 178 of those went on last night. I gave the cd/dvd player breaks. After putting up a goodly sum I would watch the Batman movies. I can't believe I got that many on in that short of a time though. I suppose practice from putting the first half on? Maybe the computer was running better? Not sure, but I am done.
Next, I need to begin getting my days and nights straightened out. The goal, at a minimum, is to be in to the pool by 14:00 Friday. After that, getting my mornings back. Yeah, I know, but I got hooked on getting this job done. It was a bit of a marathon. Little else has been done and my house needs care, laundry needs washed, and I need a bit of a break. Still, I am rather pleased with this little task. I really... yeah, you know... didn't think it was going to take this long. Could you imagine living in a world where you could know how long it would take... or even set an impossible time goal and still easily reach it? Now that would be a kick.
Time for bed and some needed, and perhaps well deserved, rest. See you... later. Mostly.
.
Well, okay, that title wasn't written by me. The girls are getting rather jealous of me and the machine, with a cd book in my lap. Done, 363 albums, some of them multi-cd... 178 of those went on last night. I gave the cd/dvd player breaks. After putting up a goodly sum I would watch the Batman movies. I can't believe I got that many on in that short of a time though. I suppose practice from putting the first half on? Maybe the computer was running better? Not sure, but I am done.
Next, I need to begin getting my days and nights straightened out. The goal, at a minimum, is to be in to the pool by 14:00 Friday. After that, getting my mornings back. Yeah, I know, but I got hooked on getting this job done. It was a bit of a marathon. Little else has been done and my house needs care, laundry needs washed, and I need a bit of a break. Still, I am rather pleased with this little task. I really... yeah, you know... didn't think it was going to take this long. Could you imagine living in a world where you could know how long it would take... or even set an impossible time goal and still easily reach it? Now that would be a kick.
Time for bed and some needed, and perhaps well deserved, rest. See you... later. Mostly.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Okay, well.
.
.
I was hoping to be awake earlier than I was today. I had something I really wanted to do. I did wake up a time or two, earlier, but I could not rise. I must have worn myself pretty well yesterday. I did watch one of the movies, then went on to put more of my music collection into iTunes. If nothing else I am pleased with my insistence and bullheaded drive. Well, okay, those things don't impress me. I've always had them. I guess what pleases me is that, in spite of problems, complications, typical mood swings, and all else, that I am sticking with the task. I have had some serious hurdles to clamber over to get to this point. Uhrm, for me. Others might have swept these things aside and just kept going. This is new turf for me. Heck, I am even pretty sure when I finish I will put my day schedule back in order and, mostly, keep it there. My slips will be just that. Pleased, if not perfectly. I know the time approaches for me to become a prince of myself once again.
Stats were good today. I, however, seem to have lost two pounds? Not a worry, just... strange. At this time. I fed the girls and looked over the wreck of my home. Yes, she needs some work. I'll... be on that, too, pretty soon. Then into the bathroom to tend to nature. As I was washing my hands I looked up. I've been seeing this for some time, but today it was... more extreme. It is almost spooking me, the man in the mirror. My face is changing. I am not recognizing he who is in the mirror. My body is... changing, everywhere, but it is the face that... catches my breath for a second. I am not sure I like the look. Not that I was handsome, just that I was familiar with the look. Oh, I will continue. It's just shocking to me. I can't even, yet, quite describe what the difference is. I will have to deal with my feelings regarding it before I can begin to intellectually quantify the changes. I'll... figure it out, sooner or later.
Odd thoughts, as I was waking, listening to music, taking that in...
I knew of sex before it could be considered a sin. As such I don't think of it as a sin. Oh, sure, I came to understand that if another man had a legal claim, that was a sin. And I have learned that sex out of marriage, itself, is a sin. And, yes, I respect that, accept that, acknowledge and surrender to these things. Yet I knew things that few men and women ever can. I don't believe that this knowledge or understanding can be known to females, because such things are limited by pain. While suffering isn't a guarantee of wrongness, we must suffer at times, it is an indication that some things at some times are not right, just as pain might indicate a wound, it can indicate sin. Males know no such things... mostly. Our pain, in sex, is so fast it doesn't register consciously, I mean. My experiences, with this and fighting, war really as war is reduced to two men at a time give or take, have lead me to possible understandings that most will never know. By the time most encountered either of these facets of human notions they had already been told these things were bad, or wrong, and had them defined biologically, socially, morally, ethically, religiously, and in many other ways... if they didn't fully understand what they had been taught.
When I came to the teaching, I already knew... or believed I knew... what of the teaching was false. I didn't have to depend on blind people trying to lead me in faith through the unknown, to be sure. And while my notions where childish, of course, I do believe my notions were far superior to much of what was being taught. Being told that violence solves nothing, for example, was risible on it's face. I knew far better. Being told that females longed for respect and tender emotions, as well, or my reactions to such teachings, almost got me sent to the principles office a time or two. I simply asked for a bathroom break as a truce, which I used to empty my funny bone.
I have matured. I understand that there are layers, levels, subtleties, and yet still believe most of that which was taught is incorrect. I know that while women do not seek such things, for example, in love, they do need them... in the larger context. If too I am pretty sure men can't offer these things, not rightly, only provide an environment in which a woman may explore or develop their own environment for them. We, men, can only peripherally be attendant, or more often forgiving, of that nature and need in women. I still say these notions of what a woman needs has nothing to do with what draws, or keeps her with, a man. Although, for a wise man who allots time and other resources to allowing his woman to develop these things, there will be a goodly restoration of what was spent, if not in like. Your gold for her silver and diamonds? Summit. I have learned about war, too. I have seen the ultimate of where it goes, what it costs, even to the victor. And I am more prepared, than ever, to pay either price, or any of the prices, even as I suffer from some of those costs.
I easily understand, however, that most people can't know what I have seen. Few have known sinless love or war. I tell you this... you have much to know. I hope you see your way to heaven. I may well be, should I be there, a tutor. For now, however, and here? I have much to learn yet. So, tutor me. I truly don't understand this world of yours, always, fully, mostly. I will abide your rules, give or take. Just... understand we aren't of the same place I think.
.
I was hoping to be awake earlier than I was today. I had something I really wanted to do. I did wake up a time or two, earlier, but I could not rise. I must have worn myself pretty well yesterday. I did watch one of the movies, then went on to put more of my music collection into iTunes. If nothing else I am pleased with my insistence and bullheaded drive. Well, okay, those things don't impress me. I've always had them. I guess what pleases me is that, in spite of problems, complications, typical mood swings, and all else, that I am sticking with the task. I have had some serious hurdles to clamber over to get to this point. Uhrm, for me. Others might have swept these things aside and just kept going. This is new turf for me. Heck, I am even pretty sure when I finish I will put my day schedule back in order and, mostly, keep it there. My slips will be just that. Pleased, if not perfectly. I know the time approaches for me to become a prince of myself once again.
Stats were good today. I, however, seem to have lost two pounds? Not a worry, just... strange. At this time. I fed the girls and looked over the wreck of my home. Yes, she needs some work. I'll... be on that, too, pretty soon. Then into the bathroom to tend to nature. As I was washing my hands I looked up. I've been seeing this for some time, but today it was... more extreme. It is almost spooking me, the man in the mirror. My face is changing. I am not recognizing he who is in the mirror. My body is... changing, everywhere, but it is the face that... catches my breath for a second. I am not sure I like the look. Not that I was handsome, just that I was familiar with the look. Oh, I will continue. It's just shocking to me. I can't even, yet, quite describe what the difference is. I will have to deal with my feelings regarding it before I can begin to intellectually quantify the changes. I'll... figure it out, sooner or later.
Odd thoughts, as I was waking, listening to music, taking that in...
I knew of sex before it could be considered a sin. As such I don't think of it as a sin. Oh, sure, I came to understand that if another man had a legal claim, that was a sin. And I have learned that sex out of marriage, itself, is a sin. And, yes, I respect that, accept that, acknowledge and surrender to these things. Yet I knew things that few men and women ever can. I don't believe that this knowledge or understanding can be known to females, because such things are limited by pain. While suffering isn't a guarantee of wrongness, we must suffer at times, it is an indication that some things at some times are not right, just as pain might indicate a wound, it can indicate sin. Males know no such things... mostly. Our pain, in sex, is so fast it doesn't register consciously, I mean. My experiences, with this and fighting, war really as war is reduced to two men at a time give or take, have lead me to possible understandings that most will never know. By the time most encountered either of these facets of human notions they had already been told these things were bad, or wrong, and had them defined biologically, socially, morally, ethically, religiously, and in many other ways... if they didn't fully understand what they had been taught.
When I came to the teaching, I already knew... or believed I knew... what of the teaching was false. I didn't have to depend on blind people trying to lead me in faith through the unknown, to be sure. And while my notions where childish, of course, I do believe my notions were far superior to much of what was being taught. Being told that violence solves nothing, for example, was risible on it's face. I knew far better. Being told that females longed for respect and tender emotions, as well, or my reactions to such teachings, almost got me sent to the principles office a time or two. I simply asked for a bathroom break as a truce, which I used to empty my funny bone.
I have matured. I understand that there are layers, levels, subtleties, and yet still believe most of that which was taught is incorrect. I know that while women do not seek such things, for example, in love, they do need them... in the larger context. If too I am pretty sure men can't offer these things, not rightly, only provide an environment in which a woman may explore or develop their own environment for them. We, men, can only peripherally be attendant, or more often forgiving, of that nature and need in women. I still say these notions of what a woman needs has nothing to do with what draws, or keeps her with, a man. Although, for a wise man who allots time and other resources to allowing his woman to develop these things, there will be a goodly restoration of what was spent, if not in like. Your gold for her silver and diamonds? Summit. I have learned about war, too. I have seen the ultimate of where it goes, what it costs, even to the victor. And I am more prepared, than ever, to pay either price, or any of the prices, even as I suffer from some of those costs.
I easily understand, however, that most people can't know what I have seen. Few have known sinless love or war. I tell you this... you have much to know. I hope you see your way to heaven. I may well be, should I be there, a tutor. For now, however, and here? I have much to learn yet. So, tutor me. I truly don't understand this world of yours, always, fully, mostly. I will abide your rules, give or take. Just... understand we aren't of the same place I think.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Well???
.
.
I was running just a little late, even being up when I had wanted to be, more or less. But I did make it into the pool. The same guy I told I would not share my lane with tried to do it again. He is about 4'8" and 100, soaking wet. I didn't notice last time, but then I was looking up out of the pool at him last time. This time he tried to get into my lane right as I was getting to it. What doesn't he understand about "no"? Not now, not later, not next month, never. There simply isn't room for me to share a lane, and I'm not comfortable with that anyway. Even a pretty girl wouldn't be given that allowance, save my wife, and then only when necessary. He ain't my wife and isn't even on the list. *grumbles* NO!
I swam well again. Music in the pool is simply... incredible. Now, I was hitting the stride before I became lax for a bit, but my breaks were much longer. The music keeps me in touch with time, keeps my mind off the work, and just makes the task more pleasant. Another few weeks, to a month, and I would guess I will begin swimming a hole hour. I won't be filling it. It will be more like how it was when I started on the half hour thing, about that full. But I see it. How long it will take me to hit even a solid hour long mile swim is anybody's guess. The last time I did it it took right at three months, if that was on Ritalin. You know, with swimming, benching, and Ritalin, all together, that really should have killed me. I'm not doing weights this time. And I am monitoring my bp and such. The heart monitor for the pool may end up being a bust though. On cavedilol, my pulse may not go up, as it would with a non-medicated swimmer. I may not have levels like that. One of the things the medicine does is reduce the pulse. They must really have thought I was going to pop when, the last time I was on it, my pulse was hitting 120. Hehe I shouldn't mess with them, as if I knew any more than they, or had any control.
After swimming, I headed to my see my friend. No movie today, I simply didn't have time. But he needed to go to the bank and get some printed temporary checks, as he is nearly out. Then we went through the drive-through. I am always starving after a swim and I haven't been keeping up on eggs. We chatted a bit, and I suggested I would be back with a movie for Friday. I then headed out with what I thought was plenty of time. A few of these and those for the KoC meeting. Okay, Walmart had most of what I needed. Not everything. I then began trying to track down the two missing items on my list. Not here, not there, not... finally I gave up, found an alternative group of items (warm diet soda, ice, and cups). I checked the time. Ugh! Almost 19:30, but the social hour was at 18:30, which means... everything I had just bought was useless, save for next time. And, being this late, I just decided to wrap it up. On my way out though I stopped to check on a triple-play movie group... the Batman collection. Not at Walmart, or the one I checked. But there was one other place that might carry it. It is probably the only locally owned book, dvd, and cd store, with some rental capacity, still in town. And, they had it. Yeah, yeah, I know. But of the decent things that have come out in movies, Batman has stayed, to my mind, true to form. A little darker than the original tv series (thankfully, though I loved it back when, I have simply grown up), but pretty much on track with how I thought, and think, the thing should go.
Hmm, I am now not sure if I should plant more cds into the machine, watch at least one of the movies then do some of that, or kill my sleep patterns and simply watch movies. Hey, those are my choices. I'm still burning from missing the meeting. I hate being an idiot, and I won't go in late unless there is truly no other choice or I am very necessary to a particular process within the meeting. I just think that being late, without letting people know ahead of time, is rather rude. That may be my mistake? Oh, and exercise sort of invigorated me as well, and on top of my search and destroy...uhrm...buy mission. How could I have become so focused that I lost track of time that badly? I am trying, and doing better. I guess I just have a lot more work to do.
Later.
.
I was running just a little late, even being up when I had wanted to be, more or less. But I did make it into the pool. The same guy I told I would not share my lane with tried to do it again. He is about 4'8" and 100, soaking wet. I didn't notice last time, but then I was looking up out of the pool at him last time. This time he tried to get into my lane right as I was getting to it. What doesn't he understand about "no"? Not now, not later, not next month, never. There simply isn't room for me to share a lane, and I'm not comfortable with that anyway. Even a pretty girl wouldn't be given that allowance, save my wife, and then only when necessary. He ain't my wife and isn't even on the list. *grumbles* NO!
I swam well again. Music in the pool is simply... incredible. Now, I was hitting the stride before I became lax for a bit, but my breaks were much longer. The music keeps me in touch with time, keeps my mind off the work, and just makes the task more pleasant. Another few weeks, to a month, and I would guess I will begin swimming a hole hour. I won't be filling it. It will be more like how it was when I started on the half hour thing, about that full. But I see it. How long it will take me to hit even a solid hour long mile swim is anybody's guess. The last time I did it it took right at three months, if that was on Ritalin. You know, with swimming, benching, and Ritalin, all together, that really should have killed me. I'm not doing weights this time. And I am monitoring my bp and such. The heart monitor for the pool may end up being a bust though. On cavedilol, my pulse may not go up, as it would with a non-medicated swimmer. I may not have levels like that. One of the things the medicine does is reduce the pulse. They must really have thought I was going to pop when, the last time I was on it, my pulse was hitting 120. Hehe I shouldn't mess with them, as if I knew any more than they, or had any control.
After swimming, I headed to my see my friend. No movie today, I simply didn't have time. But he needed to go to the bank and get some printed temporary checks, as he is nearly out. Then we went through the drive-through. I am always starving after a swim and I haven't been keeping up on eggs. We chatted a bit, and I suggested I would be back with a movie for Friday. I then headed out with what I thought was plenty of time. A few of these and those for the KoC meeting. Okay, Walmart had most of what I needed. Not everything. I then began trying to track down the two missing items on my list. Not here, not there, not... finally I gave up, found an alternative group of items (warm diet soda, ice, and cups). I checked the time. Ugh! Almost 19:30, but the social hour was at 18:30, which means... everything I had just bought was useless, save for next time. And, being this late, I just decided to wrap it up. On my way out though I stopped to check on a triple-play movie group... the Batman collection. Not at Walmart, or the one I checked. But there was one other place that might carry it. It is probably the only locally owned book, dvd, and cd store, with some rental capacity, still in town. And, they had it. Yeah, yeah, I know. But of the decent things that have come out in movies, Batman has stayed, to my mind, true to form. A little darker than the original tv series (thankfully, though I loved it back when, I have simply grown up), but pretty much on track with how I thought, and think, the thing should go.
Hmm, I am now not sure if I should plant more cds into the machine, watch at least one of the movies then do some of that, or kill my sleep patterns and simply watch movies. Hey, those are my choices. I'm still burning from missing the meeting. I hate being an idiot, and I won't go in late unless there is truly no other choice or I am very necessary to a particular process within the meeting. I just think that being late, without letting people know ahead of time, is rather rude. That may be my mistake? Oh, and exercise sort of invigorated me as well, and on top of my search and destroy...uhrm...buy mission. How could I have become so focused that I lost track of time that badly? I am trying, and doing better. I guess I just have a lot more work to do.
Later.
Not bad.
.
.
Sleep was fantastic, as sound as I suspected, healthy and of the right length. Waking was pretty good. I took stats, again, finally, after some time off from those. My weight is staying absolutely rock steady. In all of my adult life, I have never seen that, gaining and losing as much as 50 pounds in a few months and I have seen a 10 pound shift in a single day. It doesn't matter what I eat, drink, do or not do... now... 277 even today. I haven't changed more than a pound (rounded off completely) in... months? Wow... never mind. Blood pressure is good. I am going to test blood sugar later, after I have eaten, probably right before bedtime.
I am beginning to suspect that most men of my age or older are... grumpy old men. Further, the older we get the more we understand... about life, other people, how things work. You don't need to be psychic if you have 'been there, done that'. Further, we become much more cynical, critical, suspect, call it what you will. We understand that if you throw a rock, it will hit something, and often we have a really good idea what it will hit and what will happen after that. Which means most men of my age throw carefully, I may be a bit weak in this area. We know when something is wrong, or right, if men at my age still want to... test that. But the older you get, the less testing, I suspect, will occur. Mostly. I think my problem, compared to other men, is that while I have lived to this age, I am caught between two ages due to my illness. I have the same time in life experiences as my fellows, but much of it occurred so that I could not remember it. It might be like a car that was put on blocks with the wheels going. Lets just assume the odometer kept running. The cars that have been road driven are... more practical, and a little more beat up. Engine wear (assuming the pedal and breaks were being used in 'my vehicle' as if road-testing (which I would argue they have been)) is the same, if other parts might not have the same wear. Then again, 'my car' had been a demolition derby driver before it was put up on blocks. My vehicle has more damage, but it was... urhm... shortly, sharply, sweetly derived. It is simply difficult for me to fit in. If... that isn't even all of it.
I think men of a certain age all have more trouble fitting in than not. It becomes more difficult to fit in, like old bulls. Cranky, physically tired just by life at our age, set in ways, and such. Different things have worn us all down, illness, work, family, duty, guilt, life, time. Yeah, I don't think I am alone, or as alone as I thought. I just come at it from such a radically different perspective that I can't always understand what I am encountering. No, no problem. It's just that knot the other day, it's been being worked on. I didn't realize until I heard the *ding, thought is ready for your perusal* thing. I'm tinkering with it consciously now. Ever see a kitten stuck in a pile of yarn or a pup tangled up in a shirt? Well, so goes it. Still, it's beginning to make more sense.
Up shortly after noon. I set the alarm to get in the shower before 14:00. The goal is to be in town, swimming no later than 15:00. Then I'll take the movies to my friend's place, watch one or two, then go on to the KoC meeting, where we are hoping no lightning strikes. I do enjoy me some conspiracy theories, theological of nature or not. I do pull the strings that others have, to see where they go, and I have my own pet ones. I think this is a man thing, too, though. Like our techno, mechanical, food, and beer interests. Men seem to have this small sphere of things that we hold in some kind of commonality. It starts young, comic books, Boy Scout gear, taking things apart, confusion, distrust, yet interest in girls... it just grows with us. We don't change all that much if we do get better at making, breaking, and knowing a bit. That is comforting. Even there I have seen other things, but the core was built... by the world, nature, family, friends, and myself.
Well... A bit of reading and then off to the pool. Good day.
.
Sleep was fantastic, as sound as I suspected, healthy and of the right length. Waking was pretty good. I took stats, again, finally, after some time off from those. My weight is staying absolutely rock steady. In all of my adult life, I have never seen that, gaining and losing as much as 50 pounds in a few months and I have seen a 10 pound shift in a single day. It doesn't matter what I eat, drink, do or not do... now... 277 even today. I haven't changed more than a pound (rounded off completely) in... months? Wow... never mind. Blood pressure is good. I am going to test blood sugar later, after I have eaten, probably right before bedtime.
I am beginning to suspect that most men of my age or older are... grumpy old men. Further, the older we get the more we understand... about life, other people, how things work. You don't need to be psychic if you have 'been there, done that'. Further, we become much more cynical, critical, suspect, call it what you will. We understand that if you throw a rock, it will hit something, and often we have a really good idea what it will hit and what will happen after that. Which means most men of my age throw carefully, I may be a bit weak in this area. We know when something is wrong, or right, if men at my age still want to... test that. But the older you get, the less testing, I suspect, will occur. Mostly. I think my problem, compared to other men, is that while I have lived to this age, I am caught between two ages due to my illness. I have the same time in life experiences as my fellows, but much of it occurred so that I could not remember it. It might be like a car that was put on blocks with the wheels going. Lets just assume the odometer kept running. The cars that have been road driven are... more practical, and a little more beat up. Engine wear (assuming the pedal and breaks were being used in 'my vehicle' as if road-testing (which I would argue they have been)) is the same, if other parts might not have the same wear. Then again, 'my car' had been a demolition derby driver before it was put up on blocks. My vehicle has more damage, but it was... urhm... shortly, sharply, sweetly derived. It is simply difficult for me to fit in. If... that isn't even all of it.
I think men of a certain age all have more trouble fitting in than not. It becomes more difficult to fit in, like old bulls. Cranky, physically tired just by life at our age, set in ways, and such. Different things have worn us all down, illness, work, family, duty, guilt, life, time. Yeah, I don't think I am alone, or as alone as I thought. I just come at it from such a radically different perspective that I can't always understand what I am encountering. No, no problem. It's just that knot the other day, it's been being worked on. I didn't realize until I heard the *ding, thought is ready for your perusal* thing. I'm tinkering with it consciously now. Ever see a kitten stuck in a pile of yarn or a pup tangled up in a shirt? Well, so goes it. Still, it's beginning to make more sense.
Up shortly after noon. I set the alarm to get in the shower before 14:00. The goal is to be in town, swimming no later than 15:00. Then I'll take the movies to my friend's place, watch one or two, then go on to the KoC meeting, where we are hoping no lightning strikes. I do enjoy me some conspiracy theories, theological of nature or not. I do pull the strings that others have, to see where they go, and I have my own pet ones. I think this is a man thing, too, though. Like our techno, mechanical, food, and beer interests. Men seem to have this small sphere of things that we hold in some kind of commonality. It starts young, comic books, Boy Scout gear, taking things apart, confusion, distrust, yet interest in girls... it just grows with us. We don't change all that much if we do get better at making, breaking, and knowing a bit. That is comforting. Even there I have seen other things, but the core was built... by the world, nature, family, friends, and myself.
Well... A bit of reading and then off to the pool. Good day.
A few more, done for the night.
.
.
It took a little longer than I... well... thought. Still, I finished the first big cd book. Along with the other little one and loose uploaded, that leaves one more big cd book. Thankfully I am actually tired. I wasn't sure I would be. As it turned out I had to push to get the last five or ten cds uploaded. All good. I should sleep well and hard. My eyes are barely staying open. From iTunes, it looks like I put in 38 more cds. It was more though, some of them were double, up to five cd albums. Some of my classics collection are just that way. Tired, for sure.
.
It took a little longer than I... well... thought. Still, I finished the first big cd book. Along with the other little one and loose uploaded, that leaves one more big cd book. Thankfully I am actually tired. I wasn't sure I would be. As it turned out I had to push to get the last five or ten cds uploaded. All good. I should sleep well and hard. My eyes are barely staying open. From iTunes, it looks like I put in 38 more cds. It was more though, some of them were double, up to five cd albums. Some of my classics collection are just that way. Tired, for sure.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Weak, in several ways.
.
.
I burned out doing tech stuff, which I am only 2/3rds finished with, at most. In burning out I also got an addiction going. I haven't seen the Babylon 5 shows in some time. Favor them or not, to me they were quite a pleasure. Something I enjoyed with, probably, the first woman I was trying to love correctly... if we came at the thing from the wrong direction. In any case, beside enjoying the show, watching them brought back... fond memories. Popcorn, pajamas, and two 'kids' watching then discussing things... not always politely if usually... about the various shows. She was the only woman I liked to enjoy my, if secular at the time, sci-fi diversions with... or more, she was the first who actually enjoyed watching them with me... much to both of our surprise as it turns out. So, when I pulled down the first two seasons, 45 shows in all, I... watched them, almost straight through.
Bah! Now I need to begin uploading the other half of my music. My sleep schedule is in shambles, if I think I can begin putting it back together. I am stronger in that regard now, only my weakness to watch and possibly upload cds might interfere. Yes, yes, Vir, what is it now? Never mind... I did not swim today. I stayed up until... 9:00? 5:00? 11:00? Something. I have been staying up so long between normal things, what little must happen, and watching the series, that I am a bit off in every way. I did, barely, get the pork picked up and brought home. So, tomorrow, I should at least be able to swim, even if I begin uploading the remnant of one of my two big cd cases, the little one and strays are mostly already uploaded. I have one more big one to go. Or, of 348 cds, that I have found so far, I have 178 cds left to upload. *shrug*
Whatever else, I suspect I have done a rather good job with the tech and uploading. I needed the break, if a little more sleep would have, perhaps, been better. Still, considering that if this had been work, I would have been pulling 12-16 hour days or more, purely working, for the last... week and day or two... I am not totally displeased. More to go, but then... I can possibly get back to a regular schedule, get my home cleaned up a bit, and prepare to live a bit quieter of a life. Yes, pleased, if not as pleased if I could have done more. Some jobs simply preclude more. And my few days of the series watching R&R is forgivable, in my opinion.
Tomorrow, though, swimming. Then Friday again. The rest of this week will probably be uploading cds until it is once and finally done? Ugh... Seriously, harsh. Well, on to doing a bit more uploading, and I am tired enough that I should be in bed so that an early enough rise is possible to be swimming in the early afternoon. For now that is good enough.
I'm not sure why I have been being upset by things I already knew, and before that spiritual angst. I don't know what is going on. No problems, really... It is winter, and by all rights I should be in as close to a coma as I get. So that since I am doing anything it probably means I am half pulling myself apart to stay awake and even mostly functioning. It is almost against... no IT IS against all of my native conditioning by, for, of natural seasonal weather for my entire adult life. Yes, that would explain my whining. My body is trying to trip down, my health and will are strong enough to prevent it. While two of the three sides mean a win for function, a divided house is... contentious. Yes, maybe. Then again, I remember times where I was in these sorts of troubles on a weekly basis. The times have changed, if not all is forgotten.
Good night.
.
I burned out doing tech stuff, which I am only 2/3rds finished with, at most. In burning out I also got an addiction going. I haven't seen the Babylon 5 shows in some time. Favor them or not, to me they were quite a pleasure. Something I enjoyed with, probably, the first woman I was trying to love correctly... if we came at the thing from the wrong direction. In any case, beside enjoying the show, watching them brought back... fond memories. Popcorn, pajamas, and two 'kids' watching then discussing things... not always politely if usually... about the various shows. She was the only woman I liked to enjoy my, if secular at the time, sci-fi diversions with... or more, she was the first who actually enjoyed watching them with me... much to both of our surprise as it turns out. So, when I pulled down the first two seasons, 45 shows in all, I... watched them, almost straight through.
Bah! Now I need to begin uploading the other half of my music. My sleep schedule is in shambles, if I think I can begin putting it back together. I am stronger in that regard now, only my weakness to watch and possibly upload cds might interfere. Yes, yes, Vir, what is it now? Never mind... I did not swim today. I stayed up until... 9:00? 5:00? 11:00? Something. I have been staying up so long between normal things, what little must happen, and watching the series, that I am a bit off in every way. I did, barely, get the pork picked up and brought home. So, tomorrow, I should at least be able to swim, even if I begin uploading the remnant of one of my two big cd cases, the little one and strays are mostly already uploaded. I have one more big one to go. Or, of 348 cds, that I have found so far, I have 178 cds left to upload. *shrug*
Whatever else, I suspect I have done a rather good job with the tech and uploading. I needed the break, if a little more sleep would have, perhaps, been better. Still, considering that if this had been work, I would have been pulling 12-16 hour days or more, purely working, for the last... week and day or two... I am not totally displeased. More to go, but then... I can possibly get back to a regular schedule, get my home cleaned up a bit, and prepare to live a bit quieter of a life. Yes, pleased, if not as pleased if I could have done more. Some jobs simply preclude more. And my few days of the series watching R&R is forgivable, in my opinion.
Tomorrow, though, swimming. Then Friday again. The rest of this week will probably be uploading cds until it is once and finally done? Ugh... Seriously, harsh. Well, on to doing a bit more uploading, and I am tired enough that I should be in bed so that an early enough rise is possible to be swimming in the early afternoon. For now that is good enough.
I'm not sure why I have been being upset by things I already knew, and before that spiritual angst. I don't know what is going on. No problems, really... It is winter, and by all rights I should be in as close to a coma as I get. So that since I am doing anything it probably means I am half pulling myself apart to stay awake and even mostly functioning. It is almost against... no IT IS against all of my native conditioning by, for, of natural seasonal weather for my entire adult life. Yes, that would explain my whining. My body is trying to trip down, my health and will are strong enough to prevent it. While two of the three sides mean a win for function, a divided house is... contentious. Yes, maybe. Then again, I remember times where I was in these sorts of troubles on a weekly basis. The times have changed, if not all is forgotten.
Good night.
Friday, February 8, 2013
I'm surprised D.C., and, well, anyone reads here.
.
.
In recent reactions with other men, some of whom I suspect very strongly of reading here, I get a mixed signal. Younger men tend to get it, if not always agree... or sympathize. If they are too young, or... naive, they don't quite bite. There is a very strong thinking that all women are like mom, they will find out. Older, and to be honest more traditionally conservative (if often quite liberal, somehow) men, especially if they have been married to one woman their whole lives, or at least married most of their adult lives, are absolutely shocked, dismayed, and... horrified by what they read here. Oh, they cover, a bit, as well as they can, but... it's plain to see.
If it were just the "story book" side of things, I could see that. Some men don't have great imaginings, considerations other than salt and pepper, potatoes and meat, and what is purely real are outside their purview. These are secular men, as I was before I became ill... and still am in an odd manner. I suppose they were forced to put up comic books, and to be honest many put religion up with those other than attendance to please the wife, or try to hold their family together, or simply out of habit, in order to be bread winners. Some men have zero imagination, or even faith, left to them. I do understand that. I went through that stage, though at a much younger age, in part due to illness, though it existed before that too, if willfulness played a strong part as well. I never could tell exactly what all, or when what, was keeping me from the Church, or other "silly" things.
Then again, I do seem rather dogmatic, for a lunatic? At least now. And, if a man is in a place where he feels he is walking on ice in life, and has decided women are equal, gays and homosexuality are just fine, or whatever other "liberal" notion, if nothing else because the nag can, well, nag, better than he can or has had the energy to defend, or the boss has said so with his job and career on the line, then he is going to begin defending what he doesn't even believe so that maybe he can at least die in some peace, at home, with a job to the end. Surrendering is never good, but maybe it is all some men have left, and it's all some men have ever known? Or maybe he has daughters, and... has surrendered to them... foolish as that is... doting... but irresponsible too. Still, I get that if I am hoping to be different.
Judgmental, fantasist perhaps, dogmatic, chauvinist if truth is on the side of it, and all the rest. Oh, I understand. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I am not, nor have ever been, typical. I never bent a knee until I met God, even when beaten save to acknowledge that I indeed lost. I didn't believe what I was taught, and found my own teachers, often in books, who truly did know more than I, and certainly more and better than the nearly literal revisionist coloring books they handed me in schools, and many of the teachers who really didn't understand what they were teaching, or that they were teaching clearly incorrect ideology rather than subjects. There were some sharp cookies in various schools, and some 'right' ones, rare as they were. I did tend to gravitate toward them. I started with the bible, actually. I am, damn straight, different. Most men are broken on the wheel of life. Even near death I am holding on, holding my own, and not backing down. Even when wrong, until I can find my own way to correctness or truth. Not an inch. So, yeah... I guess I get that. It, though, as I wake up, surprises me as much as women do, and their reactions. I think, to some men, I am a thing to be hated... feared... perhaps mocked behind my back?
.
In recent reactions with other men, some of whom I suspect very strongly of reading here, I get a mixed signal. Younger men tend to get it, if not always agree... or sympathize. If they are too young, or... naive, they don't quite bite. There is a very strong thinking that all women are like mom, they will find out. Older, and to be honest more traditionally conservative (if often quite liberal, somehow) men, especially if they have been married to one woman their whole lives, or at least married most of their adult lives, are absolutely shocked, dismayed, and... horrified by what they read here. Oh, they cover, a bit, as well as they can, but... it's plain to see.
If it were just the "story book" side of things, I could see that. Some men don't have great imaginings, considerations other than salt and pepper, potatoes and meat, and what is purely real are outside their purview. These are secular men, as I was before I became ill... and still am in an odd manner. I suppose they were forced to put up comic books, and to be honest many put religion up with those other than attendance to please the wife, or try to hold their family together, or simply out of habit, in order to be bread winners. Some men have zero imagination, or even faith, left to them. I do understand that. I went through that stage, though at a much younger age, in part due to illness, though it existed before that too, if willfulness played a strong part as well. I never could tell exactly what all, or when what, was keeping me from the Church, or other "silly" things.
Then again, I do seem rather dogmatic, for a lunatic? At least now. And, if a man is in a place where he feels he is walking on ice in life, and has decided women are equal, gays and homosexuality are just fine, or whatever other "liberal" notion, if nothing else because the nag can, well, nag, better than he can or has had the energy to defend, or the boss has said so with his job and career on the line, then he is going to begin defending what he doesn't even believe so that maybe he can at least die in some peace, at home, with a job to the end. Surrendering is never good, but maybe it is all some men have left, and it's all some men have ever known? Or maybe he has daughters, and... has surrendered to them... foolish as that is... doting... but irresponsible too. Still, I get that if I am hoping to be different.
Judgmental, fantasist perhaps, dogmatic, chauvinist if truth is on the side of it, and all the rest. Oh, I understand. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I am not, nor have ever been, typical. I never bent a knee until I met God, even when beaten save to acknowledge that I indeed lost. I didn't believe what I was taught, and found my own teachers, often in books, who truly did know more than I, and certainly more and better than the nearly literal revisionist coloring books they handed me in schools, and many of the teachers who really didn't understand what they were teaching, or that they were teaching clearly incorrect ideology rather than subjects. There were some sharp cookies in various schools, and some 'right' ones, rare as they were. I did tend to gravitate toward them. I started with the bible, actually. I am, damn straight, different. Most men are broken on the wheel of life. Even near death I am holding on, holding my own, and not backing down. Even when wrong, until I can find my own way to correctness or truth. Not an inch. So, yeah... I guess I get that. It, though, as I wake up, surprises me as much as women do, and their reactions. I think, to some men, I am a thing to be hated... feared... perhaps mocked behind my back?
Okay, well, that almost worked.
.
.
As I suggested, cutting "work", whatever that may be, should have helped. And, actually, it did. It just wasn't enough for today to go forward as planned. The pork will have to wait, I will not make it to Mass, but I will make swimming and the movies with my friend. I did sleep well, having been, even if sedentarily actionable, working. Something about keeping on a task, even without physical exertion, is tiring. I slept fairly immediately too. One other issue, I keep missing medicines. A day and an half was missed in there somehow. As of yesterday I restarted medicines. There seems to be no ill effect this time. As I have suggested, though I am doing better, I am also juggling a lot more eggs. It is impressive, by my former standards, but eggs are going to drop. The thing is to recover as quickly as possible. Which, too, is being performed in a manner that is quite pleasing.
I woke at, say, 9:30. I could not get going though. It took a little longer today, in part because I really felt the need for more sleep but pushed waking, all of the hours I have put in this week on various tasks, possibly slight med restart issues, all added onto my normal waking issues. I'm not, and never will be, a morning man. Give me noon or give me death? Well, maybe not quite that bad. And if I was going to go that way, I would choose 17:00 as my preferred "morning". It is just that the world doesn't run on my schedule and I am trying to lend to get... involvement.
I did buy something I think I will very much enjoy, the first two seasons of Babylon 5 and one of the made-for-tv shows. This is something me and my last woman enjoyed immensely. She surprised me on this one. I just didn't think she was a sci-fi nut. And, at first, she wasn't. But the characters and writing are good enough that, after a time, if you want, you don't even see anything but... people. The character development is superior. Then again, she is a Star Wars fan, if I think that was about it. She started watching just because I was watching, then got hooked. Hmm... I am thinking I will try to make her Fire a component of my system, then she can watch these too, and have access to my music and books. The only thing I want to ensure is that she doesn't have access, even accidentally or incidentally, to my credit. Teh womenz and teh credit no mixos. :p I watched the first one today, while waking. I couldn't do much else, so... I might watch another. I can still get to swimming as if I had just gotten out of Mass, so that is good enough, since I can't make Mass today.
Another thing... As I wake, in the bigger sense, I am beginning to see things a little more clearly. I have to admit, I have always thought most women were... slow. I mean, intellectually. While not quite, mostly, genius myself, I am several steps above average on the bell curve, for whatever that truly means. I am not bragging to say I am at least 115, though with the heart, exhaustion, other such things, and having good and bad days but mostly bad days, and having been tested up to the 140's, I really don't know. I might test out when I... heal. The odd thing is I can easily deal with men of a lower IQ, and women sometimes. It is just that women often intellectually fumble in our interactions. I finally figured out, perhaps, part of the problem. Women can be sexually... distracted. By me. No, as I said, I am not a handsome devil. It is my size, I must presume, or... something else about me. I actually hadn't considered the former, and I had never really thought the latter was a possibility. Never mind. D.C. and Vox have me nearly convinced that looks aren't a major thing for women, within... some tolerances I presume. Oh, sure, you knew that. I did not, not until I was further awake, and having more interactions with women in the wild. When I was younger it simply didn't matter, I wasn't 'there to analyze 'the fish', just look it over, pick a fine specimen, get her wrapped up, and take her home for consumption', since marriage had been given up on, mostly, after a few ftf's. Yeah, I know, it's just... sort of novel to me. Sorry for being so damned attractive, ladies. :p At least I don't think of you quite as poorly as before. I'm seriously serious. And it does make a huge difference. Well, fine, some of it might just be the size difference. Women do, natively, defer. There is that too, if I am noticing now, dilatations of the eyes in some women, that is how I know. It's also why a woman will try to hide her eyes sometimes, though that can often just be their native... demure, coy, chaste aspects, when they choose to employ those. Just... figuring things out, finally.
I wonder how much else in the world will become more apparent as I wake and interact more? I'm almost afraid to... look. I might have to... reevaluate some of my jokes? Nah. Well, I could actually improve them though. Hey! All is fair in love and war, more so when both are involved, as is the case with women! *grins*
Ah, just in time. I ordered some things from Amazon. Both of the delivery companies were used, and they arrived within minutes of each other, so no worries about packages sitting out all day. I bought a band workout system, for here at home when I can't make the gym for whatever reason, a couple more swimming goggles, as I lost one, the other leaks a bit and I was down to that one and a really old one that leaked back when, a device that makes taking body measurements easy, and a gas mask with several replacement canisters. I think they sent the wrong band system, though. I ordered the 256 (or such) pound system and I am counting just over ~120 pounds of bands. Gah! But they do have a phone number to call. I'll check and make sure I ordered the one I think I did, and if so give them a call. This will be enough to start out, in any case, for off days.
Well, one more in the series, then a shower, then off to swimming. Give it your best shot, good luck.
.
As I suggested, cutting "work", whatever that may be, should have helped. And, actually, it did. It just wasn't enough for today to go forward as planned. The pork will have to wait, I will not make it to Mass, but I will make swimming and the movies with my friend. I did sleep well, having been, even if sedentarily actionable, working. Something about keeping on a task, even without physical exertion, is tiring. I slept fairly immediately too. One other issue, I keep missing medicines. A day and an half was missed in there somehow. As of yesterday I restarted medicines. There seems to be no ill effect this time. As I have suggested, though I am doing better, I am also juggling a lot more eggs. It is impressive, by my former standards, but eggs are going to drop. The thing is to recover as quickly as possible. Which, too, is being performed in a manner that is quite pleasing.
I woke at, say, 9:30. I could not get going though. It took a little longer today, in part because I really felt the need for more sleep but pushed waking, all of the hours I have put in this week on various tasks, possibly slight med restart issues, all added onto my normal waking issues. I'm not, and never will be, a morning man. Give me noon or give me death? Well, maybe not quite that bad. And if I was going to go that way, I would choose 17:00 as my preferred "morning". It is just that the world doesn't run on my schedule and I am trying to lend to get... involvement.
I did buy something I think I will very much enjoy, the first two seasons of Babylon 5 and one of the made-for-tv shows. This is something me and my last woman enjoyed immensely. She surprised me on this one. I just didn't think she was a sci-fi nut. And, at first, she wasn't. But the characters and writing are good enough that, after a time, if you want, you don't even see anything but... people. The character development is superior. Then again, she is a Star Wars fan, if I think that was about it. She started watching just because I was watching, then got hooked. Hmm... I am thinking I will try to make her Fire a component of my system, then she can watch these too, and have access to my music and books. The only thing I want to ensure is that she doesn't have access, even accidentally or incidentally, to my credit. Teh womenz and teh credit no mixos. :p I watched the first one today, while waking. I couldn't do much else, so... I might watch another. I can still get to swimming as if I had just gotten out of Mass, so that is good enough, since I can't make Mass today.
Another thing... As I wake, in the bigger sense, I am beginning to see things a little more clearly. I have to admit, I have always thought most women were... slow. I mean, intellectually. While not quite, mostly, genius myself, I am several steps above average on the bell curve, for whatever that truly means. I am not bragging to say I am at least 115, though with the heart, exhaustion, other such things, and having good and bad days but mostly bad days, and having been tested up to the 140's, I really don't know. I might test out when I... heal. The odd thing is I can easily deal with men of a lower IQ, and women sometimes. It is just that women often intellectually fumble in our interactions. I finally figured out, perhaps, part of the problem. Women can be sexually... distracted. By me. No, as I said, I am not a handsome devil. It is my size, I must presume, or... something else about me. I actually hadn't considered the former, and I had never really thought the latter was a possibility. Never mind. D.C. and Vox have me nearly convinced that looks aren't a major thing for women, within... some tolerances I presume. Oh, sure, you knew that. I did not, not until I was further awake, and having more interactions with women in the wild. When I was younger it simply didn't matter, I wasn't 'there to analyze 'the fish', just look it over, pick a fine specimen, get her wrapped up, and take her home for consumption', since marriage had been given up on, mostly, after a few ftf's. Yeah, I know, it's just... sort of novel to me. Sorry for being so damned attractive, ladies. :p At least I don't think of you quite as poorly as before. I'm seriously serious. And it does make a huge difference. Well, fine, some of it might just be the size difference. Women do, natively, defer. There is that too, if I am noticing now, dilatations of the eyes in some women, that is how I know. It's also why a woman will try to hide her eyes sometimes, though that can often just be their native... demure, coy, chaste aspects, when they choose to employ those. Just... figuring things out, finally.
I wonder how much else in the world will become more apparent as I wake and interact more? I'm almost afraid to... look. I might have to... reevaluate some of my jokes? Nah. Well, I could actually improve them though. Hey! All is fair in love and war, more so when both are involved, as is the case with women! *grins*
Ah, just in time. I ordered some things from Amazon. Both of the delivery companies were used, and they arrived within minutes of each other, so no worries about packages sitting out all day. I bought a band workout system, for here at home when I can't make the gym for whatever reason, a couple more swimming goggles, as I lost one, the other leaks a bit and I was down to that one and a really old one that leaked back when, a device that makes taking body measurements easy, and a gas mask with several replacement canisters. I think they sent the wrong band system, though. I ordered the 256 (or such) pound system and I am counting just over ~120 pounds of bands. Gah! But they do have a phone number to call. I'll check and make sure I ordered the one I think I did, and if so give them a call. This will be enough to start out, in any case, for off days.
Well, one more in the series, then a shower, then off to swimming. Give it your best shot, good luck.
Cutting off work needs to happen a little earlier.
.
.
In spite of, mostly, working since noon, if losing track from time to time while tinkering on this or that, I am not tired. Then again, it is a sitting job. It was difficult to stop now. It seems that I have "lost" a bunch of cds, or there is a collection somewhere else. In any case, I could easily see the last dozen pages of my cd case. However, I had set it and I kept to the time. That won't work. I need to cut off activities at more like 20:00 I am thinking. Nothing after that save reading or writing. I have set the alarm for 7:00. My goal is to be out of the house by 9:00, heading to the butcher. If I can't make it until 11:00, then I go to Mass. If I am later than that, then I just head to swimming. If it is after 15:00, then I just take the movies and go see my friend. Rather than trying to force something, then not knowing what to do when that fails, I have started making these variable sorts of plans. It looks good on paper, anyway. I have the dvds in my duffle bag, ready to go this time.
I thawed a bowl of my extra-warm chili. I needed something meaty and immediate. Well, that was the plan. It took over an hour to thaw what of it I did get thawed. The middle 1/4 was still frozen, but I was able to scoop out enough of the rest as it is a big main bowl, for a serving sized bowl. It seems to have lost some of the heat, or I am getting a bit more used to the heat. Then again, as hot stuff to my tastes do, I felt like lights where a little brighter. I am not sure if that is a vitamin C hit, or truly a thing from hot foods? No, if it were a vitamin hit, orange juice would do that. Thawing took way *say it together* longer than I thought it would. So, it is almost 1:00 as I prepare for sleep. Tomorrow is looking iffy. I'll do what I can.
Good night.
.
In spite of, mostly, working since noon, if losing track from time to time while tinkering on this or that, I am not tired. Then again, it is a sitting job. It was difficult to stop now. It seems that I have "lost" a bunch of cds, or there is a collection somewhere else. In any case, I could easily see the last dozen pages of my cd case. However, I had set it and I kept to the time. That won't work. I need to cut off activities at more like 20:00 I am thinking. Nothing after that save reading or writing. I have set the alarm for 7:00. My goal is to be out of the house by 9:00, heading to the butcher. If I can't make it until 11:00, then I go to Mass. If I am later than that, then I just head to swimming. If it is after 15:00, then I just take the movies and go see my friend. Rather than trying to force something, then not knowing what to do when that fails, I have started making these variable sorts of plans. It looks good on paper, anyway. I have the dvds in my duffle bag, ready to go this time.
I thawed a bowl of my extra-warm chili. I needed something meaty and immediate. Well, that was the plan. It took over an hour to thaw what of it I did get thawed. The middle 1/4 was still frozen, but I was able to scoop out enough of the rest as it is a big main bowl, for a serving sized bowl. It seems to have lost some of the heat, or I am getting a bit more used to the heat. Then again, as hot stuff to my tastes do, I felt like lights where a little brighter. I am not sure if that is a vitamin C hit, or truly a thing from hot foods? No, if it were a vitamin hit, orange juice would do that. Thawing took way *say it together* longer than I thought it would. So, it is almost 1:00 as I prepare for sleep. Tomorrow is looking iffy. I'll do what I can.
Good night.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
A little self constraint tonight.
.
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Okay, so I lost track and like the hound that can't hear well or otherwise doesn't feel the need to return when the bugle is sounded, I ran that fox through hill and dale, over and under bridges, through logs, along fences, through rivers, and wherever else I... though it might be leading. At least the fox never actually lost me. And I didn't explode my heart from exertion. But I need to... figure that out. So, tonight, I am setting my limit at 22:00, or about another hour and a half, of putting cds in. After that, blogging, reading, whatever. No more caffeine for the night, either. I actually stopped caffeine a couple of hours ago.
The goal is to be up early tomorrow, get a shower and dress, then pick up the pork. After getting that and bringing it home, then make it to Mass, then to swimming, remembering the DVDs to watch with my friend. Finally the last of the day will be spent with my friend, watching movies I don't have to worry about shielding my eyes from, or really hating the stupid dialogue, foolish notions, or just downright evil intent of the writers who try to convince people that evil is just as good as good. I think my friend will enjoy, probably all, of these movies. We might watch one, perhaps two if he wants. Next Friday we could end up watching the last two. After that? I wonder if he has seen The Prince's Bride? I have some old Westerns, too. Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, perhaps among others. He didn't quite get Fight Club, so I'll choose which movies to take with that in mind. Did I mention that processing the hog was only, I think they said, about $130? For some reason I was thinking it would be nearly double that. All very good.
The frustrating thing is that the speed of the work is extremely limited. Although it is actually much faster than the way it used to be... that is true. The other frustration is that there isn't much else you can do while uploading cds. Ah well, it's coming along, finally. I think I tried to encode cds and movies on my last computer but it kept dying, I kept getting sidetracked on the task, and finally I just gave it up. Then again, I think it took nearly ten minutes per, or more, cd. This is taking probably half that, sometimes less. Still... *ugh*
.
Okay, so I lost track and like the hound that can't hear well or otherwise doesn't feel the need to return when the bugle is sounded, I ran that fox through hill and dale, over and under bridges, through logs, along fences, through rivers, and wherever else I... though it might be leading. At least the fox never actually lost me. And I didn't explode my heart from exertion. But I need to... figure that out. So, tonight, I am setting my limit at 22:00, or about another hour and a half, of putting cds in. After that, blogging, reading, whatever. No more caffeine for the night, either. I actually stopped caffeine a couple of hours ago.
The goal is to be up early tomorrow, get a shower and dress, then pick up the pork. After getting that and bringing it home, then make it to Mass, then to swimming, remembering the DVDs to watch with my friend. Finally the last of the day will be spent with my friend, watching movies I don't have to worry about shielding my eyes from, or really hating the stupid dialogue, foolish notions, or just downright evil intent of the writers who try to convince people that evil is just as good as good. I think my friend will enjoy, probably all, of these movies. We might watch one, perhaps two if he wants. Next Friday we could end up watching the last two. After that? I wonder if he has seen The Prince's Bride? I have some old Westerns, too. Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, perhaps among others. He didn't quite get Fight Club, so I'll choose which movies to take with that in mind. Did I mention that processing the hog was only, I think they said, about $130? For some reason I was thinking it would be nearly double that. All very good.
The frustrating thing is that the speed of the work is extremely limited. Although it is actually much faster than the way it used to be... that is true. The other frustration is that there isn't much else you can do while uploading cds. Ah well, it's coming along, finally. I think I tried to encode cds and movies on my last computer but it kept dying, I kept getting sidetracked on the task, and finally I just gave it up. Then again, I think it took nearly ten minutes per, or more, cd. This is taking probably half that, sometimes less. Still... *ugh*
Judgment and a 15 degree list to the port?
.
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Every once in a while I receive a... psychic question. I mean, I get the hint that someone is questioning something. Sometimes I just think about things I have seen, heard, said, written, or otherwise have been exposed. In this case, it is a mental thing, from someone exterior to myself, but it got me thinking.
What is judgment, really? Well, there are definitions. You could look it up. You will probably find a number of definitions. You can look at the root of the word and the additions to it, and try to say, if those can be interpreted differently, that those are the 'true' meaning. Or you can just make it up, or depend on what you have seen, heard, and read where the term has been applied. In the end, for me, the term means: to differentiate, and differentiate as pretty much a final answer.
From this, one could say that we cannot judge. But that would be incorrectly applied. While it is true that we cannot judge men, we can definitely judge actions, and more specifically actions taken by men. Actually, whether by law or faith, we would not have either if we did not judge. Sins are easy to see. Did the object that was at this specific place get removed against the wishes of the legal owner? Yes. The only question is, who did it. That is for law to decide. The sin is for the Church. We can, if we see it, know we saw a man sin. We can judge the action. And for bad actions, there are consequences, some consequences are of men, some of God. Although I would like to believe that consequences men impose are mirrors of God's intent. Paying a temporal fee for a sin does lessen, temper, the spiritual price, more so if accompanied by regret and the rest. Now, if you saw a brother pick something up and then think to secret it away, wouldn't you suggest he not, and save a bunch of potential future hassle?
If a man, your brother perhaps, was pouring gasoline on himself, suggesting he was going to light himself on fire because he saw it at YahooTube.cob and it looked neat, what would you do? Would you suggest a.) you have matches and a video camera? b.) suggest you wouldn't mind watching? c.) ask if he has any understanding of the mechanisms involved, check to see he has taken precautions to ensure his safety, then a or b from above, or d.) suggest that this is an unwise, wasteful, dangerous experiment, no matter his precautions, and that he should find some other pursuits if he has that much time on his hands, and at least c if all else fails, if telling him to do it away from you and yorn if he must be foolish would be even wiser? How much more so when it comes to a soul? I can't make people do, or not do, anything. I can ask that they not do, or fail to do, some things around me. I am not willing to pay spiritually, physically, emotionally, or in any other way, for someone who is self-destructive. I don't want to watch a fool burn to death. I don't want him running around lightly my house or outhouses or lawn or vehicle or myself on fire either. If I see him on fire, sure, if I can (not always possible if I don't have something to use) I will try to put him out, call for help, and stay with him. But I don't choose that, and he has sinned against me by bringing that to me, openly, unapologetically. So, yes, I will judge. I will do the the same for sin. Nip it in the bud. And I will ask those who cannot accept God's laws and truths to either keep their failures to themselves, sharing with the priest as is necessary, or to stay the hell away from me. Be it sexual deviance, drug abuse (any but medical use), unwelcome violence. As well, despite that I am sinful, I will keep my indiscretions between myself and my priest, God already knows and He knows I'm on that... as well as I am able... fumblethumbs and willful still that I be. Why is it that people used to know these things and now they simply... don't?
Oh, as to health... Yeah, well, I am doing a LOT better. But I am still a weakling, in many ways. While I have been putting in solid hours, it is disturbing other advances. Right now, my world has finally advanced to nearly perpetual consciousness, save literally when I am asleep. But with the explosion of health comes a primordial goo of creation that I seem to be stuck in as well. Call it a quickening placenta? Something. I don't know if I am quite breathing on my own, or such. But I am closing on that. My whole world is a bit shaky. I thought being better would just be better. Sort of like a baby must think that getting out of the womb HAS to be better. Then he gets out and is IMMEDIATELY hit by the cold, then realizes he has no food, and finally begins to realize... he can't even crawl! He pwn'ed the womb! But this? Well, my life, right now, is either nearing the rebirth or just after. It's ugly, it's gooey, it's wet, it's cold, it's big. Things are starting to come into focus, or is that the light at the end of the tunnel?
If I had to guess, I would say it will take a year and another 10% to 15% heart improvement to actually get out of this stage. Still, it sure beats the stages I just advanced through. I am, truly, about typically human now, by feel and consciousness, if still week as a babe regarding stamina. I can absolutely crush fingers though, so... I just have more drive. Perhaps, waking mostly from a nearly 2.5 decade sleep, the drive I had when I crashed simply remains. Perhaps I have always been much more driven. I can't tell why, only that I am very driven. Where I am supposed to go with that drive is anybody's guess though. I depend on God to show me, for I am blind... I see now.
Still, I can't even be totally displeased with this week. Actually, I have nothing to be displeased about so far. While I can't seem to do things I had planned, I am doing something, things on my list, it is just that they are *lets say this together* taking way more time then I thought. Actually, I have done many things. From several hardware and software tasks, to swimming, to setting up my first swim lesson, to getting my friend needed groceries, to setting up my ipod and learning itunes at least well enough for my current needs, to getting a large portion of my music collection, and ongoing, to a safer place. And I didn't stop because I was tired, bored, hit a break (just did other things when I hit those), or just because I ran out of steam. It's just that, even now, this is a third to a quarter of how well I should be operating. I might not even be on the razor blade between life and death, if I am still certainly far closer to death than life. The path I walk has widened. I might even call it merely a treacherous path now!
Never mind, just... got that strong sense that I should write about defining judgment and the other just sort of crept in. Later.
.
Every once in a while I receive a... psychic question. I mean, I get the hint that someone is questioning something. Sometimes I just think about things I have seen, heard, said, written, or otherwise have been exposed. In this case, it is a mental thing, from someone exterior to myself, but it got me thinking.
What is judgment, really? Well, there are definitions. You could look it up. You will probably find a number of definitions. You can look at the root of the word and the additions to it, and try to say, if those can be interpreted differently, that those are the 'true' meaning. Or you can just make it up, or depend on what you have seen, heard, and read where the term has been applied. In the end, for me, the term means: to differentiate, and differentiate as pretty much a final answer.
From this, one could say that we cannot judge. But that would be incorrectly applied. While it is true that we cannot judge men, we can definitely judge actions, and more specifically actions taken by men. Actually, whether by law or faith, we would not have either if we did not judge. Sins are easy to see. Did the object that was at this specific place get removed against the wishes of the legal owner? Yes. The only question is, who did it. That is for law to decide. The sin is for the Church. We can, if we see it, know we saw a man sin. We can judge the action. And for bad actions, there are consequences, some consequences are of men, some of God. Although I would like to believe that consequences men impose are mirrors of God's intent. Paying a temporal fee for a sin does lessen, temper, the spiritual price, more so if accompanied by regret and the rest. Now, if you saw a brother pick something up and then think to secret it away, wouldn't you suggest he not, and save a bunch of potential future hassle?
If a man, your brother perhaps, was pouring gasoline on himself, suggesting he was going to light himself on fire because he saw it at YahooTube.cob and it looked neat, what would you do? Would you suggest a.) you have matches and a video camera? b.) suggest you wouldn't mind watching? c.) ask if he has any understanding of the mechanisms involved, check to see he has taken precautions to ensure his safety, then a or b from above, or d.) suggest that this is an unwise, wasteful, dangerous experiment, no matter his precautions, and that he should find some other pursuits if he has that much time on his hands, and at least c if all else fails, if telling him to do it away from you and yorn if he must be foolish would be even wiser? How much more so when it comes to a soul? I can't make people do, or not do, anything. I can ask that they not do, or fail to do, some things around me. I am not willing to pay spiritually, physically, emotionally, or in any other way, for someone who is self-destructive. I don't want to watch a fool burn to death. I don't want him running around lightly my house or outhouses or lawn or vehicle or myself on fire either. If I see him on fire, sure, if I can (not always possible if I don't have something to use) I will try to put him out, call for help, and stay with him. But I don't choose that, and he has sinned against me by bringing that to me, openly, unapologetically. So, yes, I will judge. I will do the the same for sin. Nip it in the bud. And I will ask those who cannot accept God's laws and truths to either keep their failures to themselves, sharing with the priest as is necessary, or to stay the hell away from me. Be it sexual deviance, drug abuse (any but medical use), unwelcome violence. As well, despite that I am sinful, I will keep my indiscretions between myself and my priest, God already knows and He knows I'm on that... as well as I am able... fumblethumbs and willful still that I be. Why is it that people used to know these things and now they simply... don't?
Oh, as to health... Yeah, well, I am doing a LOT better. But I am still a weakling, in many ways. While I have been putting in solid hours, it is disturbing other advances. Right now, my world has finally advanced to nearly perpetual consciousness, save literally when I am asleep. But with the explosion of health comes a primordial goo of creation that I seem to be stuck in as well. Call it a quickening placenta? Something. I don't know if I am quite breathing on my own, or such. But I am closing on that. My whole world is a bit shaky. I thought being better would just be better. Sort of like a baby must think that getting out of the womb HAS to be better. Then he gets out and is IMMEDIATELY hit by the cold, then realizes he has no food, and finally begins to realize... he can't even crawl! He pwn'ed the womb! But this? Well, my life, right now, is either nearing the rebirth or just after. It's ugly, it's gooey, it's wet, it's cold, it's big. Things are starting to come into focus, or is that the light at the end of the tunnel?
If I had to guess, I would say it will take a year and another 10% to 15% heart improvement to actually get out of this stage. Still, it sure beats the stages I just advanced through. I am, truly, about typically human now, by feel and consciousness, if still week as a babe regarding stamina. I can absolutely crush fingers though, so... I just have more drive. Perhaps, waking mostly from a nearly 2.5 decade sleep, the drive I had when I crashed simply remains. Perhaps I have always been much more driven. I can't tell why, only that I am very driven. Where I am supposed to go with that drive is anybody's guess though. I depend on God to show me, for I am blind... I see now.
Still, I can't even be totally displeased with this week. Actually, I have nothing to be displeased about so far. While I can't seem to do things I had planned, I am doing something, things on my list, it is just that they are *lets say this together* taking way more time then I thought. Actually, I have done many things. From several hardware and software tasks, to swimming, to setting up my first swim lesson, to getting my friend needed groceries, to setting up my ipod and learning itunes at least well enough for my current needs, to getting a large portion of my music collection, and ongoing, to a safer place. And I didn't stop because I was tired, bored, hit a break (just did other things when I hit those), or just because I ran out of steam. It's just that, even now, this is a third to a quarter of how well I should be operating. I might not even be on the razor blade between life and death, if I am still certainly far closer to death than life. The path I walk has widened. I might even call it merely a treacherous path now!
Never mind, just... got that strong sense that I should write about defining judgment and the other just sort of crept in. Later.
Ta pig, she flies... with lipstick? And another she... is back. Gah!
.
.
Well, maybe not quite. But the hog has been given it's last rights, proper care, and packaging plus a bit of smoking and curing, and is ready for my delicate preparations for final disposal... near final. :p And guess who is back?
Something about sleeping, waking, and working again. Yeah, yeah, okay. I got it. But when I am on something, and seemingly healthy enough to chase it, I do tend to work myself to the bone. At least, going to bed at 5:00... 6:00... 7:00... later? I was up by noon. A phone call sort of got me going, about the pig, lipstick, flying... Don't expect things to make logical sense at some points. I just hope I didn't say anything funny about what was going through my mind, like... if it has wings, can you just hook those up to a battery, and send it to my address? When dreams and real life conversations collide... it is kind of funny. She's still looking at me funny, isn't she? Gah!
I keep uploading cds and keep seeming to get so very few on no matter how fast I work. I have, 123 albums and 1443 "items", uploaded, after about a day and a half to two days in real hour terms, assuming an 8 hour day, I would guess. That is, I think right at a half to a third of what has to go on. I wasn't sure, during the call, if I would be getting up any time soon, so I asked if I could pick up the pork tomorrow. Tomorrow is fine, and I bet Saturday would even be fine. It... isn't going to just walk off. I may try to figure out getting in today, but no promises. Otherwise it will be Saturday. I have too much going on tomorrow and I am psychically stuck on the cds. What was the old lore about throwing down sesame seeds, and a vampire was required to count them? Something.
Oh, right, an old question. And I just answered it actually. In some lore, giants, nephilim, are considered the origins of what we now call vampires. Not because they drank blood, per se, though it was thought they did pretty much whatever they wanted as they couldn't really be easily stopped. (Like the joke, what does a 350 pound canary eat? Whatever it wants!) It was that they were notoriously hard to kill, thus things like the stake through the heart, burning, even thinking holy water or the crucifix would help. None of the latter type of things work, of course, as such are beings of flesh too. Best to, as I have suggested, use a firearm, shoot me a couple of times near where the spine and skull meet, then chop off my head... to be sure. That was before I was forming the notion of the possibility of being a giant more, for those who have an interest in seeing me dead. I only offered that advise to save them and me a lot of trouble, mind you. I'm polite that way. There were other things, like being very private, the sometimes ability to get in regular people's minds, and being... different in other ways. No flying, turning into bats or wolves, or much else truly supernatural. But vampires are from that mythology, and Lilith is the mother of both the children of Cain who bear the mark and nephilim. Two different blood lines, for sure. Not at all... allied blood lines, either. Their is such great enmity between the two that I am surprised their hasn't been all out war. Then again, one is exceedingly plentiful, populating a whole continent(s?) and then some, if that is held as the truth of such, while the others are only coalescing as genetically functional bodies become available, and are relatively rare yet. Such was Lilith though. Divided houses and all seems to be one of her inherent things. Never mind. Just stories for grown children. Boo?
Hmm, no, I won't make it to the butcher today. June, June, June... Please stop? I know, I know... I just... gotta... do this!
Good day.
.
Well, maybe not quite. But the hog has been given it's last rights, proper care, and packaging plus a bit of smoking and curing, and is ready for my delicate preparations for final disposal... near final. :p And guess who is back?
Something about sleeping, waking, and working again. Yeah, yeah, okay. I got it. But when I am on something, and seemingly healthy enough to chase it, I do tend to work myself to the bone. At least, going to bed at 5:00... 6:00... 7:00... later? I was up by noon. A phone call sort of got me going, about the pig, lipstick, flying... Don't expect things to make logical sense at some points. I just hope I didn't say anything funny about what was going through my mind, like... if it has wings, can you just hook those up to a battery, and send it to my address? When dreams and real life conversations collide... it is kind of funny. She's still looking at me funny, isn't she? Gah!
I keep uploading cds and keep seeming to get so very few on no matter how fast I work. I have, 123 albums and 1443 "items", uploaded, after about a day and a half to two days in real hour terms, assuming an 8 hour day, I would guess. That is, I think right at a half to a third of what has to go on. I wasn't sure, during the call, if I would be getting up any time soon, so I asked if I could pick up the pork tomorrow. Tomorrow is fine, and I bet Saturday would even be fine. It... isn't going to just walk off. I may try to figure out getting in today, but no promises. Otherwise it will be Saturday. I have too much going on tomorrow and I am psychically stuck on the cds. What was the old lore about throwing down sesame seeds, and a vampire was required to count them? Something.
Oh, right, an old question. And I just answered it actually. In some lore, giants, nephilim, are considered the origins of what we now call vampires. Not because they drank blood, per se, though it was thought they did pretty much whatever they wanted as they couldn't really be easily stopped. (Like the joke, what does a 350 pound canary eat? Whatever it wants!) It was that they were notoriously hard to kill, thus things like the stake through the heart, burning, even thinking holy water or the crucifix would help. None of the latter type of things work, of course, as such are beings of flesh too. Best to, as I have suggested, use a firearm, shoot me a couple of times near where the spine and skull meet, then chop off my head... to be sure. That was before I was forming the notion of the possibility of being a giant more, for those who have an interest in seeing me dead. I only offered that advise to save them and me a lot of trouble, mind you. I'm polite that way. There were other things, like being very private, the sometimes ability to get in regular people's minds, and being... different in other ways. No flying, turning into bats or wolves, or much else truly supernatural. But vampires are from that mythology, and Lilith is the mother of both the children of Cain who bear the mark and nephilim. Two different blood lines, for sure. Not at all... allied blood lines, either. Their is such great enmity between the two that I am surprised their hasn't been all out war. Then again, one is exceedingly plentiful, populating a whole continent(s?) and then some, if that is held as the truth of such, while the others are only coalescing as genetically functional bodies become available, and are relatively rare yet. Such was Lilith though. Divided houses and all seems to be one of her inherent things. Never mind. Just stories for grown children. Boo?
Hmm, no, I won't make it to the butcher today. June, June, June... Please stop? I know, I know... I just... gotta... do this!
Good day.
Didn't I just get told that I couldn't stay up and...
.
.
Yeah, yeah, I got that. And I just said that I needed to create a platform to prepare for sleep. And I just ignored it all, with my nose in the machine. While I figured this and that out, loaded my ipod, learned a bit about itunes, uploaded a third of my cds now, it is 4:50 and there is no way... So, whatever. I am going to just continue feeding this danged monster until I am out of discs.
On the good side, putting the new battery into the motherboard has brought several other improvements. First, I don't have to remember to reset the time every time I turn on the machine. But before that, I don't have to hit 'f4', then choose to exit setup without making changes, hoping in my sleepiness that I didn't hit anything else and that I hit that button and not the save and close button. I think several other things seem to work better as well. It was difficult getting going on this. It was a loaner, and I guess now a trade, on the machine I took in to be fixed. He wanted the old case, I guess he got it. The insides were busted up, and his attempts to fix something cosmetic that wasn't a problem I had asked him to fix pretty much killed the machine, so... that's just how it goes. Anyway, between exhaustion and waiting, this machine has finally been made fully functional... within it's limits. I also put the other batteries in their perspective components. Finally, on so many things...
I am having to take time, loading the cds though too. The disc player gets really hot. If that weren't an issue... it would still take a lot of time. It's just one of THOSE jobs. Since today is tomorrow, I have a pretty good idea what I will be doing most of the day. Oh, if I didn't mention it, the swimming coach did reply. At the rates, and frequency of sessions, she would be willing to consider I think I can, if just barely, swing it. I hope the V.A. will offer to compensate, but if not I should be able to work on this on my own. Yeah, I'll be scraping bare bottom. But I am hoping lessons will improve my skills quickly enough that I can then join the group class... after a bit of a financial break where I just work the training and enhance capacity. I've let her know when and where I prefer, so I'm hoping to here back, and maybe meet her Friday or something, to seal the deal.
Well, back to feeding this stupid thing. Later.
.
Yeah, yeah, I got that. And I just said that I needed to create a platform to prepare for sleep. And I just ignored it all, with my nose in the machine. While I figured this and that out, loaded my ipod, learned a bit about itunes, uploaded a third of my cds now, it is 4:50 and there is no way... So, whatever. I am going to just continue feeding this danged monster until I am out of discs.
On the good side, putting the new battery into the motherboard has brought several other improvements. First, I don't have to remember to reset the time every time I turn on the machine. But before that, I don't have to hit 'f4', then choose to exit setup without making changes, hoping in my sleepiness that I didn't hit anything else and that I hit that button and not the save and close button. I think several other things seem to work better as well. It was difficult getting going on this. It was a loaner, and I guess now a trade, on the machine I took in to be fixed. He wanted the old case, I guess he got it. The insides were busted up, and his attempts to fix something cosmetic that wasn't a problem I had asked him to fix pretty much killed the machine, so... that's just how it goes. Anyway, between exhaustion and waiting, this machine has finally been made fully functional... within it's limits. I also put the other batteries in their perspective components. Finally, on so many things...
I am having to take time, loading the cds though too. The disc player gets really hot. If that weren't an issue... it would still take a lot of time. It's just one of THOSE jobs. Since today is tomorrow, I have a pretty good idea what I will be doing most of the day. Oh, if I didn't mention it, the swimming coach did reply. At the rates, and frequency of sessions, she would be willing to consider I think I can, if just barely, swing it. I hope the V.A. will offer to compensate, but if not I should be able to work on this on my own. Yeah, I'll be scraping bare bottom. But I am hoping lessons will improve my skills quickly enough that I can then join the group class... after a bit of a financial break where I just work the training and enhance capacity. I've let her know when and where I prefer, so I'm hoping to here back, and maybe meet her Friday or something, to seal the deal.
Well, back to feeding this stupid thing. Later.
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