.
.
It was a rest day, so no major problems. I just couldn't get my feet under me. A few hours ago I realized the problem. It's cool. Rain, a cold rain, has been cycling on and off all day. It feels more like a September rain. It's been doing this for the last few days, and more than I am used to it for the last week, really. Perhaps today is a culmination of the cooling over time. It's an unusual thing, at least as I gauge Augusts. I am just getting used to the weather patterns here. Then again, just as with Iowa and everywhere else, the sense that the weather is normal is subjective to which local you speak with. Feeling down? Then the weather is odd. Feeling good? Then it's all good, including the weather. Some are more observant, some less so, and yet that doesn't seem to matter. Stats don't really help because of recent, mid, and long term variability. Hmm... in brief, for a summer day, it is cool enough to feel cold.
No worries. As I said, it is a day of rest. I just got more of a dose of rest than I intended. Tomorrow, if it is the same, I'll pull out a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. Hmm, actually I'll get that out now. I can't believe I am actually just a bit chilly! Then again, if you know me at all, you know I am enjoying it. And it is restful all by itself. The occasional pattering of rain even more so.
I have started pulling out the big guns when debating. I don't do a lot of actual debate. Most people are either too far gone or too timid. However, I can make a point, or series of them, based on a bit of logic, a bit of the practical, a bit of the historic, and a few other things, then tie them together into a cohesive package. That is the goal anyway. And, sometimes, I am asked to, and do, defend that. I won't say that I am offering perfect logic, only that I am attempting to offer more than snark.
Then again, I don't believe we can corner perfect logic. I am not sure if it is just mankind, but I do believe, after the fall, perfection became a goal that is not attainable in any area of life. It is as if the corners of our minds were like the corners of a cabinet. And, as a group, we all made a decision, one that can't be changed, that made all of those a few degrees, or more, off. Now we can do some practical things with our cabinets, like make sure the coffee cups don't slide out. But in doing so we have to do other things, there is a trade off. Either the cups lean into the cabinet, or the cabinet looks more off-kilter than we like, perhaps both, and worse if we aren't attuned to the notion that we aren't very good at these things. We can still see the idea of a square cabinet, we just can't create that. Yes... something like that. So, I do my best at developing the most appropriate confluence of wrong angles for both function and aesthetics within the confines of imperfection. It's as good as I can do.
Life isn't bad, even when I am a little tired. Needing rest is a good thing. Being able to plan, and consider, work, play, and rest, if none if it at the level I should be able to attain, is still better than the options. All save one, but all things in their due time. One simply cannot rush perfection, especially when approaching it imperfectly already. Yes, yes I do. I think I can be quite funny. Later.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Puzzles.
.
.
Beside the big puzzles, each day I seek to solve smaller and larger puzzles. Some will take the rest of my life and never be fully solved, or remain solved. Memory what it is, and the softness of reality as we can understand it or contain it, changes, and time, among other oddities and variables make solving even what should be manageable, or even what is manageable, a success and not a known. If you learn to hold your breath for five minutes, will you be able to do that five years from that point? If you solve a rubics cube, even to memorizing the pattern, is this something you will know ten years from now? Such is life. Focusing on needs and some wants requires what had been, and what might become, needs and wants, to whiter in the mind, will, and way. A gift as much as a price.
This day I found myself puzzling life and love. The past, the present, and the future, regarding these things. I look for words thought and music, to explore, explain, or even muddy those waters. The finest definitions and the clearest of thinking cannot overcome emotion, sentiment, even tradition. If logic were purely true, and we were purely logical, we wouldn't be people. Machines? Perhaps. Never mind. I slipped into exploring the mechanics behind what I found myself considering just here. Back to the topic.
I remember my various attempts at love. My early years of libertine love, through naivete, ignorance, even innocence. Sex was an activity. No gain, no loss, just something to do while engaging with a beautiful creature. As time and maturity caught up with the idea, as the reality of pregnancy and emotional and practical implications, social expectations, and so on became a part of the equation, the seemingly ideal libertine approach had to be sidelined. While that did continue for some time, it became a thing that either had to be surrendered, or kept but at a dear price to the idea that I was good. My first real foray into the more adult notion of love and sex ended quite tragically. Not long after, tragedies in other areas, and health failure, lead to an inability to do anything but act and react, almost blindly. I couldn't know love because I couldn't feel it.
.
Beside the big puzzles, each day I seek to solve smaller and larger puzzles. Some will take the rest of my life and never be fully solved, or remain solved. Memory what it is, and the softness of reality as we can understand it or contain it, changes, and time, among other oddities and variables make solving even what should be manageable, or even what is manageable, a success and not a known. If you learn to hold your breath for five minutes, will you be able to do that five years from that point? If you solve a rubics cube, even to memorizing the pattern, is this something you will know ten years from now? Such is life. Focusing on needs and some wants requires what had been, and what might become, needs and wants, to whiter in the mind, will, and way. A gift as much as a price.
This day I found myself puzzling life and love. The past, the present, and the future, regarding these things. I look for words thought and music, to explore, explain, or even muddy those waters. The finest definitions and the clearest of thinking cannot overcome emotion, sentiment, even tradition. If logic were purely true, and we were purely logical, we wouldn't be people. Machines? Perhaps. Never mind. I slipped into exploring the mechanics behind what I found myself considering just here. Back to the topic.
I remember my various attempts at love. My early years of libertine love, through naivete, ignorance, even innocence. Sex was an activity. No gain, no loss, just something to do while engaging with a beautiful creature. As time and maturity caught up with the idea, as the reality of pregnancy and emotional and practical implications, social expectations, and so on became a part of the equation, the seemingly ideal libertine approach had to be sidelined. While that did continue for some time, it became a thing that either had to be surrendered, or kept but at a dear price to the idea that I was good. My first real foray into the more adult notion of love and sex ended quite tragically. Not long after, tragedies in other areas, and health failure, lead to an inability to do anything but act and react, almost blindly. I couldn't know love because I couldn't feel it.
Nice.
.
.
A Saturday, and I knew it. I knew each day this week. I did something pretty much every day. I've kept things rolling. A slow roll some days. I knew what each day was. While summer seems to be closing shop, or at least a bit broken, fall and winter are just fine in the kind of shape I am in. A number of projects are being managed, some nearing their finality, some just a few steps off. Sure, some projects haven't quite gone as hoped. But they have seen some attention and effort. You really can't win them all, up front, first, second, even third shot. Some efforts will never see the kind of fruit one hopes in the beginning. Others, well... It can be amazing what constant small efforts can offer for results.
It is a cool day. It is a day of mild rest. The perfect day for some humble, simple, chores, tasks, planning, and living. I can't remember what I had on tap, roughly, yesterday. And, really, if those things, whatever they were, come up on the block, I may do them. If not I will find something else to fill some of my time. Breakfast was had, medicine will go down in a bit, a cup of coffee has been sipped, it's all a green light so far. I need to get to the post office. If what I suspect to be in, is in, I may have a very specific task for today in preparation for next week.
I have to say, the movie I watched last night was excellent. I wasn't preached secular morality, I didn't have to fumble through modern political correctness or falsified racial, gender, or cultural falsities, and I didn't have the trip over lies and damn lies. The story was simple enough, the hook wasn't as foreseeable as most, though not completely improbable within the notions that were offered. And while it did have a sort of Hollywood ending, it wasn't the type that such a set would typically endorse. The Lady in Black, while a horror, and a good one, was rather... mild, as things go today. Probably too mild, save for some of the thematic sets and notions, for me to call a modern horror. I would say, all givens, it is milder than the werewolf or vampire movies of the earlier part of the last century. So well done, though, that... I truly enjoyed. Miracles are still possible. I watched it merely to kill time between ending my day and bedtime last night. Usually I don't write those up, just watch then go to bed. Further, it is free to Amazon prime subscribers. Double tap.
I best finish waking, sort out my day, and get to some things. Later.
.
A Saturday, and I knew it. I knew each day this week. I did something pretty much every day. I've kept things rolling. A slow roll some days. I knew what each day was. While summer seems to be closing shop, or at least a bit broken, fall and winter are just fine in the kind of shape I am in. A number of projects are being managed, some nearing their finality, some just a few steps off. Sure, some projects haven't quite gone as hoped. But they have seen some attention and effort. You really can't win them all, up front, first, second, even third shot. Some efforts will never see the kind of fruit one hopes in the beginning. Others, well... It can be amazing what constant small efforts can offer for results.
It is a cool day. It is a day of mild rest. The perfect day for some humble, simple, chores, tasks, planning, and living. I can't remember what I had on tap, roughly, yesterday. And, really, if those things, whatever they were, come up on the block, I may do them. If not I will find something else to fill some of my time. Breakfast was had, medicine will go down in a bit, a cup of coffee has been sipped, it's all a green light so far. I need to get to the post office. If what I suspect to be in, is in, I may have a very specific task for today in preparation for next week.
I have to say, the movie I watched last night was excellent. I wasn't preached secular morality, I didn't have to fumble through modern political correctness or falsified racial, gender, or cultural falsities, and I didn't have the trip over lies and damn lies. The story was simple enough, the hook wasn't as foreseeable as most, though not completely improbable within the notions that were offered. And while it did have a sort of Hollywood ending, it wasn't the type that such a set would typically endorse. The Lady in Black, while a horror, and a good one, was rather... mild, as things go today. Probably too mild, save for some of the thematic sets and notions, for me to call a modern horror. I would say, all givens, it is milder than the werewolf or vampire movies of the earlier part of the last century. So well done, though, that... I truly enjoyed. Miracles are still possible. I watched it merely to kill time between ending my day and bedtime last night. Usually I don't write those up, just watch then go to bed. Further, it is free to Amazon prime subscribers. Double tap.
I best finish waking, sort out my day, and get to some things. Later.
Friday, August 22, 2014
A fine day of rest.
.
.
The nap helped. Food helped. Further, with medicine moderated, scheduled, and leveled, life is back on some sort of reasonable track. I may need another day of partial rest.
I am hoping to create more of the firestarters tomorrow, for the grill, camping, whatever. As well, I am hoping to mix the stain concoction for the workbench, and perhaps sand that and get that project started. It will take several days of finishing. Finish is added until the wood no longer soaks it in. Days, a week, more, I simply do not know. There are probably a few other little things, if I can, I would like to do in the next few days. It is a weekend, and I do have business and a visit this coming week, so I will be working, but more lightly, this weekend. Something about deference to the weekend, but a need to get back in the saddle, all while not spilling all of the wind from my sails and ruining next week. Balance, wisdom, efficiency, success, temperament, and a whole bunch of other words that are their own truths or just... words.
Strength has returned, stamina is breathlessly trying to catch up. I feel like, and do, I have far too much to do and far little time to do it. Not only am I behind, I am late. I was late before I started and I have, and will continue, to fall behind until... I am right on time. There is one appointment no one is ever late attending. It isn't a request. Then again, some at least seem to be decades late, or more. I am almost certain that appointment is longer off than even what I currently suspect. I am generally conservative about such estimates. But no one knows.
It truly has been a fine day. There has been darkness. A dream, and the portents that swirled around it. A movie... Lady in Black, with the lead actor of Harry Potter fame. A very good movie. And, if you should see it, the atmospherics, minus quite as much activity, is an old time version of my life. Instead of me chasing shadows, they seem to chase me. Those that were in my life, and others, I should think. I chased them for some time, until I realized they could not be caught, and just what they were. It wasn't enough. Still, understanding has helped. Little bits of actual tinkering transpired. A bit of business. Some planning. A busy day for a rest day. But it all fit neatly into my little pocket-life. Perfect, really. Idyllic, to my notions.
I will sleep well. I will pray for me, you, and them. And I will prepare to shove them off the gang-plank, if such was never actually done. Still... why not, if they deserve it. Justice delayed, and such. It's not even 22:00 and it's well past bedtime? All good. Good night.
.
The nap helped. Food helped. Further, with medicine moderated, scheduled, and leveled, life is back on some sort of reasonable track. I may need another day of partial rest.
I am hoping to create more of the firestarters tomorrow, for the grill, camping, whatever. As well, I am hoping to mix the stain concoction for the workbench, and perhaps sand that and get that project started. It will take several days of finishing. Finish is added until the wood no longer soaks it in. Days, a week, more, I simply do not know. There are probably a few other little things, if I can, I would like to do in the next few days. It is a weekend, and I do have business and a visit this coming week, so I will be working, but more lightly, this weekend. Something about deference to the weekend, but a need to get back in the saddle, all while not spilling all of the wind from my sails and ruining next week. Balance, wisdom, efficiency, success, temperament, and a whole bunch of other words that are their own truths or just... words.
Strength has returned, stamina is breathlessly trying to catch up. I feel like, and do, I have far too much to do and far little time to do it. Not only am I behind, I am late. I was late before I started and I have, and will continue, to fall behind until... I am right on time. There is one appointment no one is ever late attending. It isn't a request. Then again, some at least seem to be decades late, or more. I am almost certain that appointment is longer off than even what I currently suspect. I am generally conservative about such estimates. But no one knows.
It truly has been a fine day. There has been darkness. A dream, and the portents that swirled around it. A movie... Lady in Black, with the lead actor of Harry Potter fame. A very good movie. And, if you should see it, the atmospherics, minus quite as much activity, is an old time version of my life. Instead of me chasing shadows, they seem to chase me. Those that were in my life, and others, I should think. I chased them for some time, until I realized they could not be caught, and just what they were. It wasn't enough. Still, understanding has helped. Little bits of actual tinkering transpired. A bit of business. Some planning. A busy day for a rest day. But it all fit neatly into my little pocket-life. Perfect, really. Idyllic, to my notions.
I will sleep well. I will pray for me, you, and them. And I will prepare to shove them off the gang-plank, if such was never actually done. Still... why not, if they deserve it. Justice delayed, and such. It's not even 22:00 and it's well past bedtime? All good. Good night.
A nap.
.
.
I made it to 14:00. While most of my activities have been light to very light, I have been somewhat active. With two days in town in a row and an early rise, plus light activity, I was sort of surprised I made it to 14:00. That is the tail end of my preferred nap cut-off time, too. I could have napped a bit earlier, but as the need crept up on me I became glued to the chair. Odd how that works. A short nap, less than two hours, probably only an hour of sleep. Just right.
I won't be doing much else today. I am worn from this, that, and the last few days. I am much better than I was last week though, even so. I have begun sparring, with a wakeful and conscientious mind. Rather than blathering about feelings, or opinions, I have been trying to slice with what logic I can bring to bear on topics. Oh, I... do have a dark side. Apoplexy is something I commonly cause in moderns, most of whom have never even been in a fist fight, yet whose vote is considered when choosing politicians to face off against whole cultures which are ready, willing, able, and actually actively slicing off heads of men, women, and children. So liberal heads simply explode. One could wish anyway. So, my comments are not always... appreciated. I figure, if nothing else, I am easing them into a very certain future. If they won't vote to even defend their very lives, insisting on the magic of diplomacy and having "conversations with the enemy", then they will be having conversations with the enemy. But not over there. Welcome to the grand future.
Sam has really fluffed out. We have had some cold winters since I have been here, but she has never furred up this heavily before. I am thinking this might really turn into a cold winter. Sassy is an indoor cat, so she doesn't really change. Sam prefers outdoors, and will risk even snow for a little "me time". It isn't just Sassy she escapes. It's the cave, and me. And, of course, too... she is a hunter at heart. A think I dearly love about the little snagglepuss. Precisely violent with a keen reasoning, but not unwilling to enjoy it. A girl after my own heart.
Yes, yes, perhaps I am in a somewhat dark mood. Dreams of Vlad Tepes, and marching forth with him against the Ottomans. A terrible enemy only bested by being more terrible. Being in the Order of the Dragon, myself, I had sworn to protect Christendom, and did so. The only souls lost were those of the blood cult and those who helped them. Dems, then and now, have bowed to gold and betray all they can for it. They can't betray their principals, at least. They don't have any. Such dreams...
Later.
.
I made it to 14:00. While most of my activities have been light to very light, I have been somewhat active. With two days in town in a row and an early rise, plus light activity, I was sort of surprised I made it to 14:00. That is the tail end of my preferred nap cut-off time, too. I could have napped a bit earlier, but as the need crept up on me I became glued to the chair. Odd how that works. A short nap, less than two hours, probably only an hour of sleep. Just right.
I won't be doing much else today. I am worn from this, that, and the last few days. I am much better than I was last week though, even so. I have begun sparring, with a wakeful and conscientious mind. Rather than blathering about feelings, or opinions, I have been trying to slice with what logic I can bring to bear on topics. Oh, I... do have a dark side. Apoplexy is something I commonly cause in moderns, most of whom have never even been in a fist fight, yet whose vote is considered when choosing politicians to face off against whole cultures which are ready, willing, able, and actually actively slicing off heads of men, women, and children. So liberal heads simply explode. One could wish anyway. So, my comments are not always... appreciated. I figure, if nothing else, I am easing them into a very certain future. If they won't vote to even defend their very lives, insisting on the magic of diplomacy and having "conversations with the enemy", then they will be having conversations with the enemy. But not over there. Welcome to the grand future.
Sam has really fluffed out. We have had some cold winters since I have been here, but she has never furred up this heavily before. I am thinking this might really turn into a cold winter. Sassy is an indoor cat, so she doesn't really change. Sam prefers outdoors, and will risk even snow for a little "me time". It isn't just Sassy she escapes. It's the cave, and me. And, of course, too... she is a hunter at heart. A think I dearly love about the little snagglepuss. Precisely violent with a keen reasoning, but not unwilling to enjoy it. A girl after my own heart.
Yes, yes, perhaps I am in a somewhat dark mood. Dreams of Vlad Tepes, and marching forth with him against the Ottomans. A terrible enemy only bested by being more terrible. Being in the Order of the Dragon, myself, I had sworn to protect Christendom, and did so. The only souls lost were those of the blood cult and those who helped them. Dems, then and now, have bowed to gold and betray all they can for it. They can't betray their principals, at least. They don't have any. Such dreams...
Later.
Ongoing projects.
.
.
While I am resting today I am not just setting around. It's not even noon and I've taken care of a few processes for some ongoing projects. Just because all you see from the crocodile is bubbles doesn't mean the bubbles are just from breathing. Percolation. Actually, I need to throw some meat down the hatch to keep that part of life up. While I was out to dinner yesterday, I went ahead and bought some broasted chicken so I wouldn't have to cook for a few days. Yeah, but I knew I had pushed it. And food helps with recovery if I can keep that going. And with coffee, or better yet milk, on tap, that should work out well.
My mother called. My brother sent me some ridiculous sum of money for my... For no reason. In talking with him, he told her to make sure I cashed it. Having a loose check out there gives him the heebiejeebies. Now, cruel as I am, I accidentally already took pity on the lad. While I was out yesterday I added the thing to my account. I'm actually pleased to have done something just right, even if it was just the happenstance of an odd confluence of events. On some things, a broken clock does have more surety. It's nice to be lucky, even if I can't imagine him sweating the situation. Oh, I love him. But I like him too. Which... gives me lots of room for mischief. Don't you wish you knew me better?
Pieces and parts of projects in progress and soon to be. This, that, the other thing. It is never sure, it is never over, it is never complete, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even a snail, eventually, gets there. Even a turtle finds love. Even Doom has some little touches of joy. I might not get to much, physically. Though I already have done some things. One of the ongoing project just got a touch of my magic. A piece, a part, a learning or three, some measurements, and... more necessities and possibilities ordered. And, with a relatively clear economic conscience.
Lunch? Why, I do believe so. Foul fowls frolicking cold and featherless leave me wishing to warm them with my presence. I think I mentioned crocodile in there, somewhere. It's not just for passing time doing the nearly unseen, war, or love, you know. Gnom... gnom gnom. Hungry! Later.
.
While I am resting today I am not just setting around. It's not even noon and I've taken care of a few processes for some ongoing projects. Just because all you see from the crocodile is bubbles doesn't mean the bubbles are just from breathing. Percolation. Actually, I need to throw some meat down the hatch to keep that part of life up. While I was out to dinner yesterday, I went ahead and bought some broasted chicken so I wouldn't have to cook for a few days. Yeah, but I knew I had pushed it. And food helps with recovery if I can keep that going. And with coffee, or better yet milk, on tap, that should work out well.
My mother called. My brother sent me some ridiculous sum of money for my... For no reason. In talking with him, he told her to make sure I cashed it. Having a loose check out there gives him the heebiejeebies. Now, cruel as I am, I accidentally already took pity on the lad. While I was out yesterday I added the thing to my account. I'm actually pleased to have done something just right, even if it was just the happenstance of an odd confluence of events. On some things, a broken clock does have more surety. It's nice to be lucky, even if I can't imagine him sweating the situation. Oh, I love him. But I like him too. Which... gives me lots of room for mischief. Don't you wish you knew me better?
Pieces and parts of projects in progress and soon to be. This, that, the other thing. It is never sure, it is never over, it is never complete, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even a snail, eventually, gets there. Even a turtle finds love. Even Doom has some little touches of joy. I might not get to much, physically. Though I already have done some things. One of the ongoing project just got a touch of my magic. A piece, a part, a learning or three, some measurements, and... more necessities and possibilities ordered. And, with a relatively clear economic conscience.
Lunch? Why, I do believe so. Foul fowls frolicking cold and featherless leave me wishing to warm them with my presence. I think I mentioned crocodile in there, somewhere. It's not just for passing time doing the nearly unseen, war, or love, you know. Gnom... gnom gnom. Hungry! Later.
Back in postive territory.
.
.
From what I hear, the stock markets too. So long as they keep burning the value of the dollar, as per worldly fiscal pursuits, the markets will keep *increasing in value. I am glad my ups and downs aren't based on corporatist government mismanagement of the dollar. All I'm saying there.
Even with a quicker cool down, an easier shorter day out, and everything else working in my favor, I could not get to bed until a bit after midnight. I think I was tired enough a bit earlier. I simply didn't have the energy to get up and go to bed. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about. I set the alarm for 10:00, hoping to wake earlier. Right after 6:00 I woke and comfortably. It's a very nice morning. No real aches or pains, but that doesn't mean much. Some mornings I feel pain right away. Sometimes then it fades as I wake, or not. Some days I can't feel pain until I am awake. I never know which it will be. Two days to town in a row makes me suspect I will suffer mild pains today, muscles, relating to walking a couple of miles. You didn't think I just road an electric cart, did you? And, when on my own, I move. It will be simple, and mild, pain, and last for a few days. The better type of pain, as I have suggested. The rust chipping pain I enjoy.
A pot of coffee brews, medicine is looking me in the eye, the notion that I need to order insulin is in my mind, and a few tasks haunt me into wakefulness. All good things. It is turning into the perfect sort of day. If I can get to some of those things, or all of the few that taunt, which I might, it would become a perfect simple, humble, rest type day.
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I had a terribly wonderful dream. In it I had lived a rushed life. As a military officer, who had jumped ranks and then risen well into mid-level command, I had become accustomed to being given generic orders, managing and arranging how those were done, and who would do them, and moving on, but very successfully. For the first twenty years of my career, in the dream, I had been as hard-driven, and hard-bitten, as a ten penny nail. I commanded no more or less than I demanded from myself... exceptional, nearly reckless, dedication. Then, as in real life, I became stricken. I don't know what the illness was, but the effects were similar if a little less restrictive compared to real life. Then, as in real life, I had to make choices, surrender my hopes and plans for, probably, a jump to upper, civilian, or diplomatic command. I wasn't ready for it, no one is, not even those who naturally decline. And yet, there it was.
I had two choices, really. I could face the reality, or hide from it, or worse. It was a serious struggle, especially while still trying to control the steering wheel of life while falling asleep at that wheel. After a time, I came to understand, to relent. A passenger, rather than driver, in life, it would have to be. But more, I came to appreciate the gift. Much more quickly, and surely, than I have in real life. Able, in the dream though, to carry on more of a life, though I am not sure, from the dream and my real life, which would actually be more difficult. One more teasing, offering some possibilities. The other a complete end to most physical function. In either case, I did come to enjoy, be a part of the world in a patriarchal, but simpler, fashion.
Through time I came to associate with the younger men, the up-and-comers who would replace my generation. I retained access through my reputation and past success. I became someone these types would seek out, for wisdom, for advice both career and personal, as a mentor, teacher, even rough philosopher. As with real life, I found God, who became my anchor. But I didn't completely ignore the mundane, the secular, the political, the chain of command structure to which I had been a party. As such, I looked for men who were like what I had been, specifically. I hoped to guide them, even with their health, into a better place.
In the case in question, the younger, but middle-aged, man I had targeted was more in the political and bureaucratic, rather than military circles. He rarely had time for friends, such as myself. Worse, he had little time for the only human friend he should have time to tend... himself. I began working with him quite simply. Just as a friend who had time when he could spare it and wanted a moment of company. I slowly bridled him with mild demands of time, and effort, but kept that from becoming overwhelming, an annoyance or too great of one. Then the real work began.
Slowly, over time, I brought him to slow down, just a bit. I showed him, still quite passively, some options to being a man solely based on his career. I pointed out, and suggested he pursue old friends, then to make new friends. Lightly, but surely, as all men who succeed are busy men. As with such things as salt, it only takes a bit, only enough. Just... to add more people to his list, who he could call when need or want was there, visit on a rare day off, or when traveling nearby, or even to find a reason to take a little time doing something other than the business of business as that was or could be availed. I helped him rediscover his wife, make attempts to reach out to his, now grown, children. I even talked him into the pew, if different from mine, from time to time... here or there, wherever he was.
I watched him grow up before my eyes. Perhaps he was always on the path, perhaps he just needed a little nudge, but maybe he would never have found his way. Who can ever know such things. As it was, my time was coming up. I knew it was time. For the first time in this man's life as an adult, at my funeral, I saw him cry. He kept it minimal, few could have seen, but ghosts see all, and truly, if that state is just a phase as was mine. I knew I had done one good thing in my life. I even had some wonder if I wouldn't, as time is different on the other side, and there are things that must be done, perhaps seem him in heaven as I arrived. He, unlike myself, had decided to change his life for the better but hadn't needed to be crippled to do so. Gladly, he was not the only man at my funeral whose life I had helped to reform. It was a fine funeral, even if the casket was a bit tight for my ego.
It was a wonderful dream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good morning.
.
From what I hear, the stock markets too. So long as they keep burning the value of the dollar, as per worldly fiscal pursuits, the markets will keep *increasing in value. I am glad my ups and downs aren't based on corporatist government mismanagement of the dollar. All I'm saying there.
Even with a quicker cool down, an easier shorter day out, and everything else working in my favor, I could not get to bed until a bit after midnight. I think I was tired enough a bit earlier. I simply didn't have the energy to get up and go to bed. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about. I set the alarm for 10:00, hoping to wake earlier. Right after 6:00 I woke and comfortably. It's a very nice morning. No real aches or pains, but that doesn't mean much. Some mornings I feel pain right away. Sometimes then it fades as I wake, or not. Some days I can't feel pain until I am awake. I never know which it will be. Two days to town in a row makes me suspect I will suffer mild pains today, muscles, relating to walking a couple of miles. You didn't think I just road an electric cart, did you? And, when on my own, I move. It will be simple, and mild, pain, and last for a few days. The better type of pain, as I have suggested. The rust chipping pain I enjoy.
A pot of coffee brews, medicine is looking me in the eye, the notion that I need to order insulin is in my mind, and a few tasks haunt me into wakefulness. All good things. It is turning into the perfect sort of day. If I can get to some of those things, or all of the few that taunt, which I might, it would become a perfect simple, humble, rest type day.
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I had a terribly wonderful dream. In it I had lived a rushed life. As a military officer, who had jumped ranks and then risen well into mid-level command, I had become accustomed to being given generic orders, managing and arranging how those were done, and who would do them, and moving on, but very successfully. For the first twenty years of my career, in the dream, I had been as hard-driven, and hard-bitten, as a ten penny nail. I commanded no more or less than I demanded from myself... exceptional, nearly reckless, dedication. Then, as in real life, I became stricken. I don't know what the illness was, but the effects were similar if a little less restrictive compared to real life. Then, as in real life, I had to make choices, surrender my hopes and plans for, probably, a jump to upper, civilian, or diplomatic command. I wasn't ready for it, no one is, not even those who naturally decline. And yet, there it was.
I had two choices, really. I could face the reality, or hide from it, or worse. It was a serious struggle, especially while still trying to control the steering wheel of life while falling asleep at that wheel. After a time, I came to understand, to relent. A passenger, rather than driver, in life, it would have to be. But more, I came to appreciate the gift. Much more quickly, and surely, than I have in real life. Able, in the dream though, to carry on more of a life, though I am not sure, from the dream and my real life, which would actually be more difficult. One more teasing, offering some possibilities. The other a complete end to most physical function. In either case, I did come to enjoy, be a part of the world in a patriarchal, but simpler, fashion.
Through time I came to associate with the younger men, the up-and-comers who would replace my generation. I retained access through my reputation and past success. I became someone these types would seek out, for wisdom, for advice both career and personal, as a mentor, teacher, even rough philosopher. As with real life, I found God, who became my anchor. But I didn't completely ignore the mundane, the secular, the political, the chain of command structure to which I had been a party. As such, I looked for men who were like what I had been, specifically. I hoped to guide them, even with their health, into a better place.
In the case in question, the younger, but middle-aged, man I had targeted was more in the political and bureaucratic, rather than military circles. He rarely had time for friends, such as myself. Worse, he had little time for the only human friend he should have time to tend... himself. I began working with him quite simply. Just as a friend who had time when he could spare it and wanted a moment of company. I slowly bridled him with mild demands of time, and effort, but kept that from becoming overwhelming, an annoyance or too great of one. Then the real work began.
Slowly, over time, I brought him to slow down, just a bit. I showed him, still quite passively, some options to being a man solely based on his career. I pointed out, and suggested he pursue old friends, then to make new friends. Lightly, but surely, as all men who succeed are busy men. As with such things as salt, it only takes a bit, only enough. Just... to add more people to his list, who he could call when need or want was there, visit on a rare day off, or when traveling nearby, or even to find a reason to take a little time doing something other than the business of business as that was or could be availed. I helped him rediscover his wife, make attempts to reach out to his, now grown, children. I even talked him into the pew, if different from mine, from time to time... here or there, wherever he was.
I watched him grow up before my eyes. Perhaps he was always on the path, perhaps he just needed a little nudge, but maybe he would never have found his way. Who can ever know such things. As it was, my time was coming up. I knew it was time. For the first time in this man's life as an adult, at my funeral, I saw him cry. He kept it minimal, few could have seen, but ghosts see all, and truly, if that state is just a phase as was mine. I knew I had done one good thing in my life. I even had some wonder if I wouldn't, as time is different on the other side, and there are things that must be done, perhaps seem him in heaven as I arrived. He, unlike myself, had decided to change his life for the better but hadn't needed to be crippled to do so. Gladly, he was not the only man at my funeral whose life I had helped to reform. It was a fine funeral, even if the casket was a bit tight for my ego.
It was a wonderful dream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good morning.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Another trip to town.
.
.
There was one item I wanted to purchase yesterday which I didn't have the time tot buy. As well, after checking the mail, I had a few pieces of business to attend. And, after being absent for a couple of weeks, I was able to get my friend out for a bit, again. Plus, another easy meal. It will eat me up for a few days. All fine and dandy. I have to time to recover. And, with a final tool, the equipment to do some light work. If I can get to it.
Finances are looking good. I had been fearing them. I still have a check to write out this month. I wish he would remind me, but it's all good. Sometimes, when I am down for long jots of time, I lose track of finances. That's always spooky. Then every purchase becomes suspect, every financial consideration becomes scary. While not in perfect shape, I'm in much better shape than I had hoped. Enough that I can relax, breath, and have a meal out once in a while. Just knowing, good or bad, helps with the jitters.
I simply need to cool down and relax for a bit, then get to sleep as early as possible. Last night I was up rather late, 23:00, 0:30, something. Exhausted from the day, and heat, and then having to cool, and come, down from the day, I couldn't catch the time. I tried, it just wasn't happening. I set the alarm for 8:00, I think. I woke a goodly bit earlier. I can't remember the time of waking either. I think I will be able to cool off and sleep earlier tonight, and hopefully wake at a reasonable hour again. Coffee does help.
Something I am going to do over the next several days is to create a day plan. Something that is every day, and some things that are occasional throughout the week. Medicine, brushing teeth, shaving perhaps, things like that, as they are needed. I may put the things that are a must into my e-calendar, or to do app if that seems reasonable. A short term thing, it is hoped, until certain things become regular. Though, without a bit of help, I am not sure that is possible. I stumble for reasons, or seeming no reason, on my own. Still, it's a part of the plan. The way will have to be worked out. But the plan can be created, and attempted, on it's own, and first.
A few more anicin with medicine tonight. Two days of getting to and working through town, shops, heat, and driving are sort of getting to me. Good night.
.
There was one item I wanted to purchase yesterday which I didn't have the time tot buy. As well, after checking the mail, I had a few pieces of business to attend. And, after being absent for a couple of weeks, I was able to get my friend out for a bit, again. Plus, another easy meal. It will eat me up for a few days. All fine and dandy. I have to time to recover. And, with a final tool, the equipment to do some light work. If I can get to it.
Finances are looking good. I had been fearing them. I still have a check to write out this month. I wish he would remind me, but it's all good. Sometimes, when I am down for long jots of time, I lose track of finances. That's always spooky. Then every purchase becomes suspect, every financial consideration becomes scary. While not in perfect shape, I'm in much better shape than I had hoped. Enough that I can relax, breath, and have a meal out once in a while. Just knowing, good or bad, helps with the jitters.
I simply need to cool down and relax for a bit, then get to sleep as early as possible. Last night I was up rather late, 23:00, 0:30, something. Exhausted from the day, and heat, and then having to cool, and come, down from the day, I couldn't catch the time. I tried, it just wasn't happening. I set the alarm for 8:00, I think. I woke a goodly bit earlier. I can't remember the time of waking either. I think I will be able to cool off and sleep earlier tonight, and hopefully wake at a reasonable hour again. Coffee does help.
Something I am going to do over the next several days is to create a day plan. Something that is every day, and some things that are occasional throughout the week. Medicine, brushing teeth, shaving perhaps, things like that, as they are needed. I may put the things that are a must into my e-calendar, or to do app if that seems reasonable. A short term thing, it is hoped, until certain things become regular. Though, without a bit of help, I am not sure that is possible. I stumble for reasons, or seeming no reason, on my own. Still, it's a part of the plan. The way will have to be worked out. But the plan can be created, and attempted, on it's own, and first.
A few more anicin with medicine tonight. Two days of getting to and working through town, shops, heat, and driving are sort of getting to me. Good night.
A bit ruffled.
.
.
Mildly sore muscles. Otherwise everything checks out. Yesterday wasn't much, in a literal way. In a relative manner it was a good little tumble. I may, in the near future, look back on this and these times as quaint, simple, naive, ways.
.
Mildly sore muscles. Otherwise everything checks out. Yesterday wasn't much, in a literal way. In a relative manner it was a good little tumble. I may, in the near future, look back on this and these times as quaint, simple, naive, ways.
Amazing stupidity.
.
.
Watching what is happening in Ferguson, and everywhere in America, and reading posts, "news", comments, I feel like I have fallen into a well of pure stupid. I have no means of cleaning myself from the taint. Writing about it myself doesn't really help but it is the only method I have to try to bat the idiocy aside. With writing, I can at least assure others I am not negotiable when it comes to foolishness.
Most of what I read is a call to calm, patience, allowing the system to work. I am told, and with authority, that everything is fine and this is just a misunderstanding. At best, which is not good enough by far, I am told to give the police a chance. This in spite of the US DOJ doing everything it can to hinder a proper investigation, a governor trying to indict an innocent officer who was criminally attacked by a criminal, and criminal support for the criminal who was shot by his community. On the other side is the party that suggest no such opportunity should be granted... to the police, and specific policeman For doing his job.
I realize, much more acutely, how off the internet is. Most writers, especially the self-proclaimed, conservative writers, are anything but liberals trying to bend the notions. Pacifying conservatives, supporting actual liberal notions. Broken arrows. At least one of the "conservatives" doesn't claim to be conservative. And, after this, I finally believe him. Wrong side of the line and for the wrong reasons. You can't support chaos for constitutional reasons while ignoring all the constitutional fallacies that are inherent in what you support. Not honestly. Oh, no worries, he has been getting an eyeful. I will be sharpening my sword for more exacting responses, as my method has been week in iterating these notions, to this point. That is going to change, drastically.
There can be no peace if there is no peace offered, no one in the warring faction offering or respecting the notion. There can be no tolerance, after giving that fifty years and more of a chance, to people who only demand more no matter what is given or offered. There is no means of negotiating left. There is no way to avoid what is going to have to happen. At best, things must be, temporarily, put back into the ragged box until the time is ready. The problem with that is that the time will never be ready for those who are too weak of will, morality, ethics, or any other measure, to deal with the situation. It looks like the only way for this problem to be solved, conclusively, is for it to run into a full blown catastrophe so that those who still wish to yield may be the first to bear the fruit of it, and the rest can assault this national crime against citizens. First individually as necessary, then developing C&C. If they don't get a solid grip on this, the people will.
There are other, more reasoned, ways. But the lack of interest and will, morality and character, honesty and forthright acceptance of the simple notion that there is good and evil and that one is better than the other, make those options impossible to enact. They should have been careful about wishing for bottom to top, top to bottom. They thought it would work in their favor. It won't. And, while currently, top to bottom is in their favor, that isn't enough without the two being in alignment. Further, the top is knee-capped from it's own incompetence and support of the wrong side of the thing. Bottom to top, if loosed, will win, and to liberal detriment. So... Let it be.
.
Watching what is happening in Ferguson, and everywhere in America, and reading posts, "news", comments, I feel like I have fallen into a well of pure stupid. I have no means of cleaning myself from the taint. Writing about it myself doesn't really help but it is the only method I have to try to bat the idiocy aside. With writing, I can at least assure others I am not negotiable when it comes to foolishness.
Most of what I read is a call to calm, patience, allowing the system to work. I am told, and with authority, that everything is fine and this is just a misunderstanding. At best, which is not good enough by far, I am told to give the police a chance. This in spite of the US DOJ doing everything it can to hinder a proper investigation, a governor trying to indict an innocent officer who was criminally attacked by a criminal, and criminal support for the criminal who was shot by his community. On the other side is the party that suggest no such opportunity should be granted... to the police, and specific policeman For doing his job.
I realize, much more acutely, how off the internet is. Most writers, especially the self-proclaimed, conservative writers, are anything but liberals trying to bend the notions. Pacifying conservatives, supporting actual liberal notions. Broken arrows. At least one of the "conservatives" doesn't claim to be conservative. And, after this, I finally believe him. Wrong side of the line and for the wrong reasons. You can't support chaos for constitutional reasons while ignoring all the constitutional fallacies that are inherent in what you support. Not honestly. Oh, no worries, he has been getting an eyeful. I will be sharpening my sword for more exacting responses, as my method has been week in iterating these notions, to this point. That is going to change, drastically.
There can be no peace if there is no peace offered, no one in the warring faction offering or respecting the notion. There can be no tolerance, after giving that fifty years and more of a chance, to people who only demand more no matter what is given or offered. There is no means of negotiating left. There is no way to avoid what is going to have to happen. At best, things must be, temporarily, put back into the ragged box until the time is ready. The problem with that is that the time will never be ready for those who are too weak of will, morality, ethics, or any other measure, to deal with the situation. It looks like the only way for this problem to be solved, conclusively, is for it to run into a full blown catastrophe so that those who still wish to yield may be the first to bear the fruit of it, and the rest can assault this national crime against citizens. First individually as necessary, then developing C&C. If they don't get a solid grip on this, the people will.
There are other, more reasoned, ways. But the lack of interest and will, morality and character, honesty and forthright acceptance of the simple notion that there is good and evil and that one is better than the other, make those options impossible to enact. They should have been careful about wishing for bottom to top, top to bottom. They thought it would work in their favor. It won't. And, while currently, top to bottom is in their favor, that isn't enough without the two being in alignment. Further, the top is knee-capped from it's own incompetence and support of the wrong side of the thing. Bottom to top, if loosed, will win, and to liberal detriment. So... Let it be.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
To town and back without death or injury.
.
.
I had meant to be out at 13:00 but that time came and went. My friend called me a bit after that. I suggested a 14:30 arrival. I was late, as usual, but initially just fifteen minutes in the blind. On the road out of town, however, construction brought all traffic to a stop for 20 minutes. I was far enough out that I don't think a reversal of course would have gotten me to town any sooner. It probably would have been worse. While the time frame would have been the same, I would have ended up on the far side of town, struggling against the heaviest shift change traffic. My friend is used to me being late. Still, I called once I was past the blockage.
A bit of looking, here and there. I went to buy .22 bullets and realized my wallet wasn't with me. Gah! That's the second time in very recent recall. My friend bought them for me, and I thought, maybe, we could just keep on. But that couldn't have worked. My task in town was not just to visit. I needed groceries, stuff from the hardware store, and a double boiler. So I had to drive home. Technically even later, but my friend wanted out. He just got a little more out than he what he had bargained. They are .22 long rifle, but they are subsonic. Not ideal but it is as good as I can do, for now. I don't mind subsonic, I just have too much of that. I like a good mix. Bullets are my stocks and bonds, my portfolio, and it's too heavy in light and too light in heavy.
A bit of window shopping. I would truly love a .357. My friend bought another 9mm, and will probably buy a .357 himself, before long. Still, it's fun to look. We also looked at a .44 magnum and a .454/.44/410 pistol, just for kicks. Beside having no use for either of those, I have no interest. Rifles are for hunting, perhaps shotguns. Pistols are for people and minor dangerous pests. In my book. Sure, I'd have a .500 magnum, if I could. But just for... looks, mostly. It would be duly shot three or four times a year. But the ammunition alone would mean I couldn't keep such a firearm fed. It might have a purpose, if all you could have was a pistol in bear country. But I would have a shotgun and slugs or a rifle with the right loads... or I wouldn't be in bear country. Have you ever noticed that the game wardens and rangers who tell you that you don't need to be armed are armed? Typical lying, self-serving, bureaucrats. I would give them a simple choice, go without guns, like everyone else, or allow guns for everyone who wants them and can have them. Same for the gungrabbers among cops. Choices, consequences. But, but... what about bad guys? Yeah, exactly!
I got everything on my list, and then some, save the double boiler. I am hoping to get into town again tomorrow. Since I have done all else, I should be able to get that. Oh, and I have started asking the local stores if they will do bulk ammunition specials. I at least want to compare prices. From what I have heard so far, none are willing. One store, the salesman deferred but suggested it was unlikely. Ah well. I simply had hoped to do business locally if possible. If they won't play, I will simply have to continue to order my ammunition online. Larger selection, cheaper prices even with shipping, and to my door. I'm nearly caught up on stocks, at least for handguns. Just a few more purchases. Then a break. Then I need to start using and replacing. It is so difficult to shoot while trying to build up reserves. At least the salesmen I spoke with didn't blink too much about my requests. Right now, from what I can tell, buying is cheaper than building ammunition, at least for handguns. Rifle ammunition, for quality, is a whole other issue.
I am way too tired. It is nearly 21:00. I was exhausted, and worse, at 19:00 but was still in town. I am simply too hot to sleep. I will have to cool down, then, unfortunately, crash very hard. I just hope I hit bottom in sleep and rebound before tomorrow. I hope to get back into town. I couldn't promise, only... suggest that I would try. A glass of coffee, with cream... oh I do love cream... will actually help tick up, then release, the levers that allow for sleep. Along with medicine. Later... No... Good night.
.
I had meant to be out at 13:00 but that time came and went. My friend called me a bit after that. I suggested a 14:30 arrival. I was late, as usual, but initially just fifteen minutes in the blind. On the road out of town, however, construction brought all traffic to a stop for 20 minutes. I was far enough out that I don't think a reversal of course would have gotten me to town any sooner. It probably would have been worse. While the time frame would have been the same, I would have ended up on the far side of town, struggling against the heaviest shift change traffic. My friend is used to me being late. Still, I called once I was past the blockage.
A bit of looking, here and there. I went to buy .22 bullets and realized my wallet wasn't with me. Gah! That's the second time in very recent recall. My friend bought them for me, and I thought, maybe, we could just keep on. But that couldn't have worked. My task in town was not just to visit. I needed groceries, stuff from the hardware store, and a double boiler. So I had to drive home. Technically even later, but my friend wanted out. He just got a little more out than he what he had bargained. They are .22 long rifle, but they are subsonic. Not ideal but it is as good as I can do, for now. I don't mind subsonic, I just have too much of that. I like a good mix. Bullets are my stocks and bonds, my portfolio, and it's too heavy in light and too light in heavy.
A bit of window shopping. I would truly love a .357. My friend bought another 9mm, and will probably buy a .357 himself, before long. Still, it's fun to look. We also looked at a .44 magnum and a .454/.44/410 pistol, just for kicks. Beside having no use for either of those, I have no interest. Rifles are for hunting, perhaps shotguns. Pistols are for people and minor dangerous pests. In my book. Sure, I'd have a .500 magnum, if I could. But just for... looks, mostly. It would be duly shot three or four times a year. But the ammunition alone would mean I couldn't keep such a firearm fed. It might have a purpose, if all you could have was a pistol in bear country. But I would have a shotgun and slugs or a rifle with the right loads... or I wouldn't be in bear country. Have you ever noticed that the game wardens and rangers who tell you that you don't need to be armed are armed? Typical lying, self-serving, bureaucrats. I would give them a simple choice, go without guns, like everyone else, or allow guns for everyone who wants them and can have them. Same for the gungrabbers among cops. Choices, consequences. But, but... what about bad guys? Yeah, exactly!
I got everything on my list, and then some, save the double boiler. I am hoping to get into town again tomorrow. Since I have done all else, I should be able to get that. Oh, and I have started asking the local stores if they will do bulk ammunition specials. I at least want to compare prices. From what I have heard so far, none are willing. One store, the salesman deferred but suggested it was unlikely. Ah well. I simply had hoped to do business locally if possible. If they won't play, I will simply have to continue to order my ammunition online. Larger selection, cheaper prices even with shipping, and to my door. I'm nearly caught up on stocks, at least for handguns. Just a few more purchases. Then a break. Then I need to start using and replacing. It is so difficult to shoot while trying to build up reserves. At least the salesmen I spoke with didn't blink too much about my requests. Right now, from what I can tell, buying is cheaper than building ammunition, at least for handguns. Rifle ammunition, for quality, is a whole other issue.
I am way too tired. It is nearly 21:00. I was exhausted, and worse, at 19:00 but was still in town. I am simply too hot to sleep. I will have to cool down, then, unfortunately, crash very hard. I just hope I hit bottom in sleep and rebound before tomorrow. I hope to get back into town. I couldn't promise, only... suggest that I would try. A glass of coffee, with cream... oh I do love cream... will actually help tick up, then release, the levers that allow for sleep. Along with medicine. Later... No... Good night.
Wednesday?
.
.
No clue where the week went. Last I remembered I was hoping to get started Monday.
I've got a minor headache from recent psychic trips. Don't mix tnt with fertilizer. I woke at a real time this morning, slept well last night, and am sort of on track. I showered this morning. Rested as was needed. Then just finished setting up and taking medication. It looks like I have enough medicine to last a couple of months more. I won't need to order until next setup. I best order the insulin, however. That would be cutting it too close. Just... not right now. I have another thing on my mind and can only do, or think about, one thing at a time at the moment.
If I can get some gumption back after fussing, I hope to head in to town. I groceries, something that will work as a full or partial double boiler, and something at the hardware store. I could just use a tin can for the double boiler. But for larger projects it won't work. And there are some other drawbacks. I won't be going expensive, just functional. Oh, and a meal, and inviting my friend along. It's been a while. Can't do much, but if I can get him out for a bit, that's enough. Oh, and I best check the mail. One of the final, or final big pieces, of one of my projects, should be in.
I am almost feeling human again, as human as I can feel that is. Still a little tired. Still not quite up to snuff. But not bad. That handful of anicin and a meal will help. I would grill something, but first I need to make some of those firestarters. Egg carton, paraffin, and laundry lint, which will probably be the first thing I do with the double boiler. A little hum-drum, but working up to a bit more. A bit of music then I will see if I am fit to travel. Later.
.
No clue where the week went. Last I remembered I was hoping to get started Monday.
I've got a minor headache from recent psychic trips. Don't mix tnt with fertilizer. I woke at a real time this morning, slept well last night, and am sort of on track. I showered this morning. Rested as was needed. Then just finished setting up and taking medication. It looks like I have enough medicine to last a couple of months more. I won't need to order until next setup. I best order the insulin, however. That would be cutting it too close. Just... not right now. I have another thing on my mind and can only do, or think about, one thing at a time at the moment.
If I can get some gumption back after fussing, I hope to head in to town. I groceries, something that will work as a full or partial double boiler, and something at the hardware store. I could just use a tin can for the double boiler. But for larger projects it won't work. And there are some other drawbacks. I won't be going expensive, just functional. Oh, and a meal, and inviting my friend along. It's been a while. Can't do much, but if I can get him out for a bit, that's enough. Oh, and I best check the mail. One of the final, or final big pieces, of one of my projects, should be in.
I am almost feeling human again, as human as I can feel that is. Still a little tired. Still not quite up to snuff. But not bad. That handful of anicin and a meal will help. I would grill something, but first I need to make some of those firestarters. Egg carton, paraffin, and laundry lint, which will probably be the first thing I do with the double boiler. A little hum-drum, but working up to a bit more. A bit of music then I will see if I am fit to travel. Later.
Pacified.
.
.
It seems, after a long bout between the two most potent aspects of myself, they have worked it out between them for now. I can't be sure when I went to bed. 16:30-18:30, I think. I was completely lost in those worlds after 13:00, 13:30 maybe. I know. I had my phone right near me, and received a bunch of calls, but didn't realize any of them. They might have been later, haven't checked the times they were logged yet.
Sleep was quite good. If I dreamed, those were lost when I stirred, and woke. Nothing but sleep, so far as memory serves. I woke at about 4:30. Feeling good, really, and ready to do some things. I need to set up my medicines first thing, then maybe call about anything that is running shy. I definitely need to reorder insulin. I think I have the bottle opened this month, and one remaining. I need to keep up on that. That... little misstep was a bit more harsh than I like to realize.
Oh, I best feed the girls. So far they have just let me know they have claws, and begged. All fair enough. I just had to spend some time waking before being able to leave my chair. If I take too much longer, they will find ways to "accidentally" scratch me. While I hate being scratched, I... sort of favor their little tricks and charms. They don't have much to work with, but don't mind using what they have. While they shouldn't have to beg, they also shouldn't beg, not until a reasonable time has passed. It's a... continuing negotiation. I like that they keep me on my toes and I am compelled to maintain order. A balance.
No call to anything this morning. Just a... bit of nothingness though with potential for something. Later.
.
It seems, after a long bout between the two most potent aspects of myself, they have worked it out between them for now. I can't be sure when I went to bed. 16:30-18:30, I think. I was completely lost in those worlds after 13:00, 13:30 maybe. I know. I had my phone right near me, and received a bunch of calls, but didn't realize any of them. They might have been later, haven't checked the times they were logged yet.
Sleep was quite good. If I dreamed, those were lost when I stirred, and woke. Nothing but sleep, so far as memory serves. I woke at about 4:30. Feeling good, really, and ready to do some things. I need to set up my medicines first thing, then maybe call about anything that is running shy. I definitely need to reorder insulin. I think I have the bottle opened this month, and one remaining. I need to keep up on that. That... little misstep was a bit more harsh than I like to realize.
Oh, I best feed the girls. So far they have just let me know they have claws, and begged. All fair enough. I just had to spend some time waking before being able to leave my chair. If I take too much longer, they will find ways to "accidentally" scratch me. While I hate being scratched, I... sort of favor their little tricks and charms. They don't have much to work with, but don't mind using what they have. While they shouldn't have to beg, they also shouldn't beg, not until a reasonable time has passed. It's a... continuing negotiation. I like that they keep me on my toes and I am compelled to maintain order. A balance.
No call to anything this morning. Just a... bit of nothingness though with potential for something. Later.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Not bad.
.
.
I made it to 17:00. Ghosting on rage, sort of. No worries, it looks like the two things kept balance, as I thought they might. I was also able to visit shades from the past. Odd how, in certain moments, everything becomes a bit clearer, or per object. I still don't know, at the moment, the details. Only some faces and good memories. I may know tomorrow, or in my dreams. I will forget soon after putting it all together. I can't be sure what I see is quite right, but then, who can when it comes to memory? I just wish it all had more substance, to my mind, than water. Whatever I try to grab, hold... simply flows away quickly, in time.
My eyes hurt, just a bit, from the odd sleep patterns, mostly. Not napping this morning is part of it, but then I couldn't. I am hoping the other side is available to help me get into town, soon. I don't want that full blast, though, either. It is just as problematic as nothingness, with half the fat (a bad thing, in my book). Just a bit more tilt toward the wild and I might be able to figure a shopping trip.
Good night.
.
I made it to 17:00. Ghosting on rage, sort of. No worries, it looks like the two things kept balance, as I thought they might. I was also able to visit shades from the past. Odd how, in certain moments, everything becomes a bit clearer, or per object. I still don't know, at the moment, the details. Only some faces and good memories. I may know tomorrow, or in my dreams. I will forget soon after putting it all together. I can't be sure what I see is quite right, but then, who can when it comes to memory? I just wish it all had more substance, to my mind, than water. Whatever I try to grab, hold... simply flows away quickly, in time.
My eyes hurt, just a bit, from the odd sleep patterns, mostly. Not napping this morning is part of it, but then I couldn't. I am hoping the other side is available to help me get into town, soon. I don't want that full blast, though, either. It is just as problematic as nothingness, with half the fat (a bad thing, in my book). Just a bit more tilt toward the wild and I might be able to figure a shopping trip.
Good night.
Transition.
.
.
A time, a potential, I can't quite tell yet.
While one part of my body is shutting down, another part is waking. They almost seem to be balancing each other. Meanwhile I am getting a headache from the strain.
.
A time, a potential, I can't quite tell yet.
While one part of my body is shutting down, another part is waking. They almost seem to be balancing each other. Meanwhile I am getting a headache from the strain.
A simple song that probably doesn't mean much.
.
.
It's a reflection of a sentiment, the remnants of shadows only remaining in memory. I may not be toast but I'm not cream and spice, either. Never mind. Just... passing on a thought as I drift in my own little way. No real message, as I suggested, just a feeling. Not even a bad one, or a good one, I guess.
.
It's a reflection of a sentiment, the remnants of shadows only remaining in memory. I may not be toast but I'm not cream and spice, either. Never mind. Just... passing on a thought as I drift in my own little way. No real message, as I suggested, just a feeling. Not even a bad one, or a good one, I guess.
Does anyone have...
.
.
a blue remote controlled truck, extra batteries, and a lot of time? I am just trying to figure out how to get to town. I am out of some things that I really like. When I am toast it doesn't matter. I can't know, or care. But when I am simply hung up, as I am now, then I notice what I am missing. Oh, about the request? I saw a vid that... got me thinking is all. The video got my gall worked up, a bit, too. If a turtle can do it, I should be able! Well... it's the notion. And that turtle is seriously booking. There is hope!
.
a blue remote controlled truck, extra batteries, and a lot of time? I am just trying to figure out how to get to town. I am out of some things that I really like. When I am toast it doesn't matter. I can't know, or care. But when I am simply hung up, as I am now, then I notice what I am missing. Oh, about the request? I saw a vid that... got me thinking is all. The video got my gall worked up, a bit, too. If a turtle can do it, I should be able! Well... it's the notion. And that turtle is seriously booking. There is hope!
Toil, tricks, and goals.
.
.
I couldn't make it out yesterday, or do much. I was able to stay awake until 15:30, but was, essentially, blind deaf and dumb for the last four hours, give or take. When my sleep patterns break, there are two ways they can fracture. The first is through confusing day and night. This is difficult to repair, but it isn't all that complicated. It is just a matter of 'doing it', which takes time and sometimes great pains and effort. The other way my sleep cycle can fail involves sleeping in very odd cycles. Involving up to three sleep cycles in a day, to one sleep cycle every few days. I am at two sleep cycles per day. It rips up usable awake time, but sleep hits like a hammer. No choice. I can, as I did today, stretch and pull. But function goes to zero. And there is a risk, in that haze, that my awake time will begin to stretch too far, if I push too hard or lose consciousness too fully while awake. Days, weeks, even months of haze can begin cycling if I do that.
The only thing I can do in that last type of break, is to attempt to push, gently, and figure out some control. As is, pushing my afternoons is one part of it. The other part is trying to sleep, or nap, in such a way that I can maintain the push and day cycle as much as is possible. One might liken it to creating a firebreak nap. Today, going to bed at 17:30, then waking at about 1:30, I will try to be awake until 4:00, maybe 5:00, then attempt a nap of two to four hours, rising just in time to get a nearly full day in, as long as I can reasonably push it. I had hoped to be to an event at 19:00 tonight, but that won't be possible. I might be able to push it, but I would neither be in any kind of shape to be out, and I would probably mess up my pattern. Thankfully, save when medicine becomes an issue, or the weather is changing quickly, my breaks in sleep patterns have become much rarer. Actually, having dinner arrive three days a week, in a certain time window, over time, has given me a pattern I can follow. As a lighthouse beacon, over probably a year, I learned when to surface and be ready. And, mostly, I can.
Probably seeming madness to some. But this is what I have. Being studious, if too often lost, more so in the past but continuing a bit, it has been a tangle to work with. My health sometimes allows little else, but it is something. A struggle. Something to work on. So I do. It is satisfying when I, eventually, tame the beast enough for a smoother ride. I just happen to be in, not on, that beast. Later.
.
I couldn't make it out yesterday, or do much. I was able to stay awake until 15:30, but was, essentially, blind deaf and dumb for the last four hours, give or take. When my sleep patterns break, there are two ways they can fracture. The first is through confusing day and night. This is difficult to repair, but it isn't all that complicated. It is just a matter of 'doing it', which takes time and sometimes great pains and effort. The other way my sleep cycle can fail involves sleeping in very odd cycles. Involving up to three sleep cycles in a day, to one sleep cycle every few days. I am at two sleep cycles per day. It rips up usable awake time, but sleep hits like a hammer. No choice. I can, as I did today, stretch and pull. But function goes to zero. And there is a risk, in that haze, that my awake time will begin to stretch too far, if I push too hard or lose consciousness too fully while awake. Days, weeks, even months of haze can begin cycling if I do that.
The only thing I can do in that last type of break, is to attempt to push, gently, and figure out some control. As is, pushing my afternoons is one part of it. The other part is trying to sleep, or nap, in such a way that I can maintain the push and day cycle as much as is possible. One might liken it to creating a firebreak nap. Today, going to bed at 17:30, then waking at about 1:30, I will try to be awake until 4:00, maybe 5:00, then attempt a nap of two to four hours, rising just in time to get a nearly full day in, as long as I can reasonably push it. I had hoped to be to an event at 19:00 tonight, but that won't be possible. I might be able to push it, but I would neither be in any kind of shape to be out, and I would probably mess up my pattern. Thankfully, save when medicine becomes an issue, or the weather is changing quickly, my breaks in sleep patterns have become much rarer. Actually, having dinner arrive three days a week, in a certain time window, over time, has given me a pattern I can follow. As a lighthouse beacon, over probably a year, I learned when to surface and be ready. And, mostly, I can.
Probably seeming madness to some. But this is what I have. Being studious, if too often lost, more so in the past but continuing a bit, it has been a tangle to work with. My health sometimes allows little else, but it is something. A struggle. Something to work on. So I do. It is satisfying when I, eventually, tame the beast enough for a smoother ride. I just happen to be in, not on, that beast. Later.
Monday, August 18, 2014
The nap helped.
.
.
Perhaps limiting sleep helped too. I've tried the alarm before, recently, it just hasn't been effective. I suppose that it worked... actually, I woke before the alarm. Just a few hours down. Though knowing the alarm would go off, and wanting to be up and getting up, shows a return of some control. Crazy lately, like your steering wheel simply failing, or more like it doing what you request, but not in a timely fashion. I did add five cc's of insulin last night. That may have helped with the rudder this morning. I simply don't know, not for sure.
I can't swear to it, but I am beginning to plan a run into town. It might be today, it might be a week off, or more. I simply don't know. I need to do some shopping, and get a card out, and check the mail. More than that, I simply want to escape the dungeon. It isn't a horrible place, it just gets old after a while. As I said though, there hasn't been any lasting pain for several days, my heart seems to be working normally again, my organs, muscles, and bones seem to have solidified. That slow heartbeat was spooky, lasted about a week, going from bad to worse. A pump, every two to three seconds, even if you don't know a thing about medicine, should be rare and odd enough to spook even the most level headed folk. There is always the doctor, but since the VA doesn't reimburse, and the local hospital refuses to try, I can't trust going in. And I can't drive two or three hours in that kind of shape.
I see the Ferguson incident is proving exactly as I suspected. The cops actually did need that equipment, and this is an example of why they should have it. If they use it poorly, they won't keep it. Though, to a degree, this is an example of poor usage. Having it, but not using it, is a waste of good money. Perhaps, if this is just going to be a waste of money, then it shouldn't go forward. I understand, if they had used the equipment, they would have had even more trouble with the local third-worlders. But third-worlders cannot be negotiated with. And some point, law will have to do what it has to do or close up shop and let them live as they will. I think stripping citizenship and repatriating said miscreants to whoever will take them in, for a small fee, would send a much clearer message. Some things cannot be tolerated for the whole. Barbaric tribalism is one of those things.
They rally, as they often do, around criminals. They hide guns in some incidents, they come forth as lying witnesses, and they do this as typically as most other people come forth and risk death to tell the truth. They are just the opposite of what is wanted for citizenship. The usual types, Dems of course, but now Libertarians, are knee-jerk jumping to their side. Innocent until proven guilty is a two way street, and Libertarians had better decide, and quickly, which side of the street they are going to be on. Currently, it isn't my side of the street from what I have seen of this event. They were just about to suss control from the lost Republican party. They have shot themselves in the foot on this one. If they are simply chaos mongers and trouble makers, I would rather have pure business in charge. Get up to speed on this one, and don't do it again.
Enough about that. After nagging on other pages, I figured I should spit something out here. There you go. Later.
.
Perhaps limiting sleep helped too. I've tried the alarm before, recently, it just hasn't been effective. I suppose that it worked... actually, I woke before the alarm. Just a few hours down. Though knowing the alarm would go off, and wanting to be up and getting up, shows a return of some control. Crazy lately, like your steering wheel simply failing, or more like it doing what you request, but not in a timely fashion. I did add five cc's of insulin last night. That may have helped with the rudder this morning. I simply don't know, not for sure.
I can't swear to it, but I am beginning to plan a run into town. It might be today, it might be a week off, or more. I simply don't know. I need to do some shopping, and get a card out, and check the mail. More than that, I simply want to escape the dungeon. It isn't a horrible place, it just gets old after a while. As I said though, there hasn't been any lasting pain for several days, my heart seems to be working normally again, my organs, muscles, and bones seem to have solidified. That slow heartbeat was spooky, lasted about a week, going from bad to worse. A pump, every two to three seconds, even if you don't know a thing about medicine, should be rare and odd enough to spook even the most level headed folk. There is always the doctor, but since the VA doesn't reimburse, and the local hospital refuses to try, I can't trust going in. And I can't drive two or three hours in that kind of shape.
I see the Ferguson incident is proving exactly as I suspected. The cops actually did need that equipment, and this is an example of why they should have it. If they use it poorly, they won't keep it. Though, to a degree, this is an example of poor usage. Having it, but not using it, is a waste of good money. Perhaps, if this is just going to be a waste of money, then it shouldn't go forward. I understand, if they had used the equipment, they would have had even more trouble with the local third-worlders. But third-worlders cannot be negotiated with. And some point, law will have to do what it has to do or close up shop and let them live as they will. I think stripping citizenship and repatriating said miscreants to whoever will take them in, for a small fee, would send a much clearer message. Some things cannot be tolerated for the whole. Barbaric tribalism is one of those things.
They rally, as they often do, around criminals. They hide guns in some incidents, they come forth as lying witnesses, and they do this as typically as most other people come forth and risk death to tell the truth. They are just the opposite of what is wanted for citizenship. The usual types, Dems of course, but now Libertarians, are knee-jerk jumping to their side. Innocent until proven guilty is a two way street, and Libertarians had better decide, and quickly, which side of the street they are going to be on. Currently, it isn't my side of the street from what I have seen of this event. They were just about to suss control from the lost Republican party. They have shot themselves in the foot on this one. If they are simply chaos mongers and trouble makers, I would rather have pure business in charge. Get up to speed on this one, and don't do it again.
Enough about that. After nagging on other pages, I figured I should spit something out here. There you go. Later.
I just can't tell.
.
.
There is some sort of problem. Is it the weather, is the thing with medicine still lingering, is it something else. Dreams of the past, portents of a possible future, the complexity of life disproven by the very required simplicity I am currently living. So much and yet so little. It isn't a bad time, it just isn't a time grounded in the known. Yes, back to bed. I have no choice.
In times like these, I can't help but think events from the past have much more affect on the present than might be understood, even by me. I have gone places, seen things, eclipsing life itself. Being social, but moving as often as I have, I have known so many people, experienced so many things and places. While not quite as literal as the movie Ground Hog Day, arrangements can be created to nearly recreate past situations and explore them. Looking for better, worse, or other sorts of results. And I did, consciously at times, unconsciously other times. And with a host of actors who had never played the role before, but pretty much knew the lines, it was a simple thing. A swirl, as I sleep, wake, dream, remember, and consider the future.
And yet, sometimes, I have to wonder... just how much is the past coming forward, and some of what happened in the past being the truth of events. Some would say my sanity is loosely hinged. A possibility, of course. Simply, there isn't an objective measure, much as being far out to sea, with nothing else in sight, trying to navigate. There are places, and events, that defy explanation. Too many have seen to outright deny, but in a condition where understandings are obviously questionable. While I am almost sure I am not in purgatory, I am not always sure where I seem to be is where I am. Then again, I don't think one needs to pass through death to realize this. That just adds to the... doubts about here and now. I would lend you my shoes. I simply don't think wearing them would help you. It probably isn't possible. As I fall, again, into sleep, my mind begins to wander. A song I heard, with a video, bearing some resonance on the topic.
.
There is some sort of problem. Is it the weather, is the thing with medicine still lingering, is it something else. Dreams of the past, portents of a possible future, the complexity of life disproven by the very required simplicity I am currently living. So much and yet so little. It isn't a bad time, it just isn't a time grounded in the known. Yes, back to bed. I have no choice.
In times like these, I can't help but think events from the past have much more affect on the present than might be understood, even by me. I have gone places, seen things, eclipsing life itself. Being social, but moving as often as I have, I have known so many people, experienced so many things and places. While not quite as literal as the movie Ground Hog Day, arrangements can be created to nearly recreate past situations and explore them. Looking for better, worse, or other sorts of results. And I did, consciously at times, unconsciously other times. And with a host of actors who had never played the role before, but pretty much knew the lines, it was a simple thing. A swirl, as I sleep, wake, dream, remember, and consider the future.
And yet, sometimes, I have to wonder... just how much is the past coming forward, and some of what happened in the past being the truth of events. Some would say my sanity is loosely hinged. A possibility, of course. Simply, there isn't an objective measure, much as being far out to sea, with nothing else in sight, trying to navigate. There are places, and events, that defy explanation. Too many have seen to outright deny, but in a condition where understandings are obviously questionable. While I am almost sure I am not in purgatory, I am not always sure where I seem to be is where I am. Then again, I don't think one needs to pass through death to realize this. That just adds to the... doubts about here and now. I would lend you my shoes. I simply don't think wearing them would help you. It probably isn't possible. As I fall, again, into sleep, my mind begins to wander. A song I heard, with a video, bearing some resonance on the topic.
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