A bit ruffled.

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Mildly sore muscles.  Otherwise everything checks out.  Yesterday wasn't much, in a literal way.  In a relative manner it was a good little tumble.  I may, in the near future, look back on this and these times as quaint, simple, naive, ways.


How does a man succeed, whatever the goal so long as it is a worthy effort?  He doesn't try.  He doesn't do what he can.  He pounds his ego, flesh, mind, and even soul into shape.  He repeats whatever he can't initially do, over and over until it is second nature.  He pushes ever force between him and his goal until they retreat.  Sometimes, usually, it is a war of inches.  Sometimes, rarely, he can capture whole regions that had been cut off from him.  He doesn't quit.  But he doesn't fight every war, can't win every battle or skirmish.  He outlines what needs to be completed, for the set goals, and then doesn't stop until they are completed.

I have, I believe, been offered a very precious gift.  I believe it was offered in the belief that I am ready for it.  I disagree.  I cannot accept unless I am in good condition to honor the gift.  Not just for myself, not just for the sake of the gift, not just anything, but on whole, in the balance, as I have to see things.  I am cold blooded about some things, such as this.  I know that I am not alone in that.  It's a large part of the cost for such a gift.  Trust can't be given, it can be earned, but it isn't easy.  It's... just the way it is.  However, I do desire the gift.  I wish it more than any other gift that I have seen available to me.  So, for the last month, I have been considering how to make myself fit.  While I have seen a possible way, I have not yet hammered out the definition of success.

As I look at the project, the challenges, the possible outcomes, I know I have a serious chore in front of me.  A cripple looking at walking, a stammerer looking at straight talk, an addict looking at going clean.  Odd that some might believe me good enough, even so.  The way is as difficult as the path.  It will require that I outright surrender some hopes, goals, plans, and dreams.  Those surrenders, of self to a degree, are required to focus on specific other things.  I must go from a generalist to a specialist.  Part of the difficulty is that I am not, yet, sure which specialties to pick up and what generalities to set aside.  I will be delving into that as I seek the way that will even possibly allow an attempt at the path.

I know some of it.  As I said, this is for my own belief in what is required of myself in order to accept responsibilities.  Responsibilities first.  Some of them I can see plainly.  Daily care, of home and self.  Every day.  A schedule, a standard set of routines, and focus on those things I can do or assist in a possible future.  A return to some sort of more stable level of very reasonable but difficult to achieve fitness.  Physical fitness, mental toughness, but not selfish forms of those.  Not all of them.  I would also like to get back to studies, and push my skills back to near their peaks and begin to advance those.  As well, I need to get back to faith, as part of my routines.  Some of that isn't absolutely required, some of it is.  Some of it may never be had as fully as I, or others, would like.  Some of it isn't an end, but a continuing effort.  And there are some things I cannot yet see.  How does one build a skyscraper?  Plans, prep work, then a single unit of item, placed with effort or knowledge, at a specific time and place, per worker. Being the only worker, I have work to do.

I may be incorrect.  Perhaps the offer isn't what it seems.  I am prepared for that.  Even should I be incorrect, my work will not be wasted.  How truly obtainable is my goal?  Will my health hold?  Can I maintain such a thing, since it isn't an end, but a path to the beginning of a different future?  I don't know.  I am already so very far past charted territory I don't think there is, or could be, a rulebook, a guide.  The bible is as close to a source of general notions, but it doesn't cover specifics in my case, at this level, save for offering hope, in faith, toward charity.  A terrible uncertainty, but it is all anyone has, save those poor souls who don't even have that.  I have even considered that, should my eyes and ears not be deceiving me, my preparations may cause the offer to be rescinded.  Perhaps it is as I am that makes the notion palatable.  Again, should I find the way and take the path, I cannot lose, even for losing.  All I do know is that I want the treasure but I can't afford it if I am not ready, no matter how freely it seems to be offered.

You can't win in love.  You can simply lose less than you gain.  Done correctly, it is mutual, and more.

Yes, I need to begin, even before the way to the path is available, deciding what my day needs to look like, how to begin becoming fit, what I need to pare down or away completely and what to begin focusing upon.