Sleep is simply out of control.

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I am trying to figure out what is passing for day and night and then push things around.  I shove, but the walls of this thing are goo.  I push and shove and end up inside the walls, with no air or strength left to pull out.  *!Zap!*  Down I go.  I can't tell the time when I go down, didn't realize I was out of 'air' until I am falling, but falling so fast I have no time or way to connect with logic or my surroundings.  I do make it to bed before blacking out.  If I have a notion, like "feed the cats", "check their litter" ingrained, my body can follow those.  Automatic pilot folks, I haven't been mostly dead for a generation without learning some things.  This is why I may, possibly, in a bad situation, be counted upon.  I can focus through death, for the right reasons.

And yet, today, after several days of knowing nothing, I did focus on capturing the time of the collapse.  I have been trying to see the time for days, and maybe did, but until today it hasn't remained in memory.  It was somewhere around noon forty, and some other numbers... seven?  Close enough to give me an idea what I am working with.  I woke at 23:40-47 tonight.  Staying up that late in the morning, trying to push through, is rather harsh.  I sleep very hard.  I sleep long.  I woke in great pain, but that has passed.  I don't know if today will be like tomorrow, but I was pretty crippled yesterday.  It was a good day.  I woke well enough, the mind worked.  But the body was disabled.

The summer started out well.  And in some ways it has been quite nice.  It just hasn't been as active as I had hoped.  I will keep trying.  Pushing through when I can, enjoying what of life I may, even suffering as well as I am able.  I will experiment with a few things, in time, to try to create more function.  I hate negotiating with the strength of medicine, but I don't see another choice.  Down, a bit.  Who cares if I live for fifty years if I can't stand most of the time.  And, if that doesn't help, well, I'll just boost the level again in the hopes of a longer term recovery.  Time always tells, if you know the right question and couch and support it correctly.  Be careful with what you ask.

Later.