Listening to music past.

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I do that, once in a while, for no other reason than that the music I have chosen has fit, like a puzzle piece into my understandings, revisiting offers more than my first exploration allowed, sometimes multiplicatively, even exponentially.  My resources are not squandered on finding pleasure, or joy.  Nor do I waste what I have avoiding those things, or seeking only pain.  I merely look, and what I see, and how I see it, is noted and deciphered.  Puzzles, all intertwined, to one final ultimate puzzle.  It is beyond me in it's grandness, and it's greatness is both too big and too small.  Even what is my size is not something I can always understand.  The effort, in many cases, is the success.  But the trip can be quite wonderful.


One of my favorite puzzles is woman.  Oh I have tried.  But as three pieces connect with the fourth, the edges change, the picture becomes wrong, and either the seeming fits must be undone or more pieces need to be added to bring back focus and sense.  I have never collected more than two thirds of the pieces for any single woman before all reason was lost.  And yet I found that if I had faith, a guided and reasoned faith, that I need not make full sense.  As well, the closer I came to fathoming a woman, the further I was from her.  I understood this, mechanically, for the first time, when study divergence in calculus.  Yes, only God is a puzzle which is more entertaining, frustrating, and... powerful.

Unlike mechanical physical puzzles, and while there are physical manifestations to these puzzles, it is more than that.  Take the physical aspect, then marry it to an eye exam, where you must define better and worse in the focal plane, over and over, still never quite sure... there is the intellectual understandings that must be deciphered as if writing an English Ph. D. paper and you must use words deciphered from reading... not dictionaries, and then there is the emotional and psychological aspects.  Women are quite complex.  Little of this is of any meaning to them, they just... are!, to themselves.  But they can't be just that to those who would love them.  Our nature doesn't allow it as such.  We can't just accept, not even the finest of gifts.  Nothing, in the world of man, is simply for aesthetics, simple pleasure, or even simple function.  And so it goes.  And, by nature, I am far from the simplest of man creatures.  My work, as they say, is cut out for me.

To know if a man has given up, truly given up, on finding a love, see if he is still trying to figure out the puzzle that is woman.  If he is rapt in deciphering, attending to his curiosity, emotionally engaged with the subject, then... he has not surrendered his duty, want, desire, or hope... the ones that can only be explored in the seeming insanity of the woman.  Yes, yes, I know what that means.  I have let one pass, for now.  I believe she is hooked, for good or ill.  Beside not being sure about her readiness, I wanted a bit more time to be sure of my health.  Not the short term, but longer term.  I do not wish to create a widow, or worse.  And, if in due time, I believe she is ready, and my health is in order...  I will try to catch that fish.  Oh!  You!  Yes... me.

All I know is, listening to some music, and... the poem unravels.  I see her, in her splendor, her sin, her faith, and her ways, such as I can.  Things happen, to me.  Yes, still quite puzzled by the paradox, grateful for the gift that is she, and irritated and itching as I look for a way out, but even more strongly... a way in.  Some places are much finer in which to be lost than others.  A woman's arms are among the best.  I hope my spell, or fit, has not entranced you.  No worries, there is time.  If you are in such a trap, go play, whichever side you are on.  If you are not in such a trap, enjoy the melody of the snare, and perhaps... wonder about where you might find such a snarl.  If the song no longer chimes in your ear, perhaps you have fond memories.  The story is never over until the last page has been turned.  Further, I would advise, don't even be sure of that.

Good day.