The rest of the story...

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On several matters, some updates, and such.

Do mothers really flirt with sons?  Hell yes!  Not with end intent, mind you.  Initially just to pick on us, then to teach and harden us against simple "hussies".  They attempt to battle harden us as they can.  Love really is war.  While doing their various routines, and "shit" testing (real term, look it up), they decide if we are "good enough", do a general ranking, then maybe put a contract out on us.  If for no other reason than that a settled son is a good for her.

I must have passed muster.  I had about seven...opportunities.  None would do.  Two were currently married!  What about practicing Catholic is confusing?  Only one was, technically viable, if only on one of the three major measures.  Those?  Nubile.  Attractive enough and willing to give that first meaning.  Then, being able and willing to be wed in the Catholic church.  Impossible you say?  Cool, I say.  I don't expect to find a wife.

I am good with that.  My mother, at least one other indirect player, and a pasle of dames are rather... put out.  Women join, then go to foodwarfare.  If I am correct, this has been happening for a while.  That is over.  I am getting much better, if still recovering.  No food from outside, and I am even changing how I shop.  Paranoia?  We've been over this.  Piss off with pseudo pop-psych.  I'll do what is plainly, obviously, good for me.  No mom-food in two weeks, and even w/o antib's my legs are water free and new and old wounds are nearly healed.  After those wounds wouldn't heal for, what, six months.  Coincidence?  If so, no matter.  The world is changing.

Mothers, women, the sisterhood... enrage it you'd best be ready to cut them off, out, and excise the whole lot as needed.  You will always be on that groups short list, and that may well follow wherever.  I suppose I may be forced into the he-man women-haters protection system.  Not seeing much loss if those seven women is all left for me, well that and being fed to death and mutilation.

Ah, something about the ghosts... somethings...  I used to think the girls didn't see them.  Turns out?  They do.  They just became practiced at ignoring these... things.  Even sounds.  I suppose, while away the ghosts/spirits weren't here.  The girls fell out of practice.  I've caught both of them, several times each, being startled then quickly hiding their reactions and seemingly putting effort into ignoring what was mutually heard and/or seen.  Little scaredy-cat traitors!  At least I finally know.  You need not believe yourself, scaredy-cat.  But for me it is terribly good to finally have some external confirmation I personally trust... at least as to veracity  Little bitch cowards!

I would add much more detail on some of  this, but the ps4 is quite subpar.  Simply it is all I currently have.

Someone thinks...

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Hmm...  Well?  I have been sent indirect communications, in a number of ways, to interesting (to me) sites, books, etc.  If that is advertising through my wall of ad-hate?  I'll take it.  Okay, though, I should admit... I hid from it for a while.  Why?  Too close to the heart, or possibly.  Example?  While these didn't bug me, they are mighty on-target, here is one.  Scratch that...can't add a link on this.  One was to a book about Pythagoras, written in the mid 1600's.  The other another book, though more or truly, esoteric.

I have, cautiously begun tracking and will start... playing ball.  Why?  Saw lines in book from a poet who remembered me before and after he could have known me... us.  Fine, I will type it in, and source it.  Not exactly sure where to start or stop, I'll do my best.

"They saw the serpent temple lifted above, shadowing the island white:
They heard the voice of Albions Angel howling in flames of Orc, seeking the trump of the last doom"

It does go quite on.  To many that means exactly nothing.  To some, including my secret sender?  It has much to... say, suggest, or... something.  Even the blind who read here can gladly see that a poet (William Blake) has just written some potentially very modern history... of a sort... even if it is only as he and I, perhaps, who say it.  "Hush little darling, now don't  you cry."  You may, as I when I must, simply deny.  Or shut up and take it.  Reality is, can be, hard.  Impossible for some.  Me?  I shall endeavor to percevere.

Enough for now.

Wait.  Thought to update health.  No bloody noses for a day and an half.  Gladly, too.  Drank more of my own  gore in those days  than in the last 5 years combined... hate to bitch, but could have used garlic.  A twofer?  Maybe.  No migraine for two days .  I am not doing well taking medicines, missing half nights and one day in just the few days I have been trying.  Goes to condition.  Still it is helping.  I'll keep at it.  Oh, and the moving thing?  Don't believe everything you read.  Oh, that has gotta hurt.  More to come on more fronts as well.  Though you... never really know when dancing in the pale blue... with Orc.

One last thing.  In the last week in Iowa the ghosts/spirits found me or.... whatever.  I did several things to check.  Maybe it was stress or general poor health.  I don't have the tools to check that (but neither do the "pro's").  I did my best and it sure seemed real.  So I thought I'd have a month off here.  Not so much.  Like giant dark blurs, usuall but not alway off to a side.  And other things.  Perhaps I am simply close to death?  Dunno.  But they, assuming for argument they are real, are with me now.  Want to see?  Literally?  Raise your hand, as you did in school.  Just raise it, with intent, then let your arm down.  No promises, no time-scale.  Though if you don't see anything in two weeks... you probably won't .

They aren't and weren't back in droves, as recently.  Curious to see if this is just a ping/drive-by, or if this has legs or even serious legs.  Still don't know if I am haunted or a nexus of some kind... or maybe just very close (like another serious coughing spell/stroke) from "there".

Well, now that is all.  Good night.

Closer.

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Closer to death.  Every health issue I have is maxxing in the negative.  B.P., pulse, blood sugar, and maybe some other things.  On top of those is reacclimation and either pneumonia or the flu... or both.

I thought to hold off doing anything for a while.  But I had to deal with business and the doc.  I rested otherwise, holding off medicines.  Nothing was improving.  It was all getting worse, the coughing was exacerbating everything.  I feared what medicine would do.  It was my only play left.

Miraculously medicine helped.  I am far from back to trim.  The cough occurs with regularity, I am having explosive bloody noses and migraines still often if both frequency and intensity have much diminished.  Ido have a low-grade fever, not from the leg infection but from the flu/pneumonia/flu+pneumonia, easy to tell as the leg is healing.

Oddly, I have lost 20 pounds.  I ate grandly at my mom´s home.  And it was mostly the wrong stuff.  That doesn't make sense.  Oh, and  found my invitation.  It was for July, 29th.  So either I was not really invited or fill in the blank as to what else might have gone wrong.  I will call if I ever feel good again.

This  sore throat and fiery lungs aren't helping, and I am still sore as hell from the extended driving due to construction and getting lost in that a few times.  I am not healing with all else wrong.

I´ll keep at it.

One last thing.  In two  years, maybe four as things can go, assuming I survive this and time, Iwill be moving.  Ilove the notion of Alaska if Iam not sure that is possible.  Something could dramatically speed or slow the process, mind you.  I have simply realized some things.  Gotta go.

One more, anyway.

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Post that is, while I am at it and it is available.  I used this device to create a rout home.  On both sides is Logan, on a highway 30.  Yeah, I didn't even know Iowa had a Logan.  I also made a reservation for a stay tonight.  Reservations are good, but finding the place can be a trick.  While I was on the machine, I decided to post.

I had mom wake me this morning, to see her off and say farewells.  She cried up a storm, couldn't help it.  All good, that is how they reset, sort, and such.  It'll hit me, perhaps, when I am home and well rested.  All good.  I have most of my stuff packed and out.  I just had a few items for use and wear today, a fan, monitor, and screen to pack and put in as last items.  Oh, and some canned goods to take as well, salsa and such.  More, I am told, will be made this fall for me to take next spring.

A rainy day.  One of only a few since I have been back.  They are nearly at drought levels.  But a storm on my way in, and out, may lead to better things for them.  Not sure they will get an earthquake.  I either get those wrong or the timing is way off on those.  Dunno.  Everyone seems to have a weakness, flaw of particular note.  And, while I see, I see for my purposes, not for... others.

I am tired, as if I ran a marathon.  More, as I rested up from it, and through it, I got settled.  Now to pick up and finish the race is the hard part.  Two days of ugly driving.  A night at a strange place in a hostile world.  Then back to the world I know, or knew.  All good.  I am ready, if I am rather worn.

When home?  Ah, I promised I would get the kitchen sink and plumbing to trim first thing.  So a call, and shopping for a sink faucet, a high one.  I will just have a plumber do it.  Replumb underneath, the drain, and put in the faucet.  Then I will check on fees for a dumpster, while beginning to set things aside to be removed.  As well, I may begin shopping for a big/tall man's recliner.  I really need to figure out how to get the feet elevated more often.  Lots of other things to do, but not much else will happen until I have rested up a bit.  I feel, honestly, as if I have run a marathon and now have to run home too.  I'll... get there.

Time to pack up the last few items and hit the road.  I wrote the instructions, and will by more exact maps for Iowa and Wyoming... rather than the general regional map which simply doesn't have many small towns on it.  I made it, I suppose.  And would make it back.  I just like a little more surety.  Good day, perhaps goodbye?

Getting ready.

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As I pack, and bring it all together, I am thinking.  I have had a pretty good stay.  I know my mother doesn't get it all.  I think she is starting to get some of it.  Who I am, what I want, where I am going, how things are.  She has not understood, or believed, until now.  Not that she absolutely believes, but she is beginning to see that, as straight as I can tell it, I have.  Though as I have gotten better, some of the memories have been cleared up, at least a bit, for me.  I can't be certain about some things, never will be absolutely sure at this point.  Still, she... is beginning to understand.  Which makes it easier for us to be around one another.

This has been a good trip.  It is probably the best visit since I have been an adult, and the longest.  AC, in the upstairs window, the ability to just say when I have had enough, and the willingness and ability to mostly do what was requested... if on my timeline... also helped.  It was good to get her home a little more as she wants it.  I even did finally seal the gutter seem that was leaking and lower the ends to allow better flow.  It's not perfect, just better.

We spent a long time in dealing with my uncle today.  I am on his side, so long as he understands.  A nursing home, or other facility, by force, is not a good thing.  As long as he understands that staying home, alone, means death...  I don't advocate death, but I am not sure a nursing home will be salvation either.  I just wish they would get ac in his home.  He had other problems in that house too, which weren't treated well or timely.  Still, if he is, and I think he is, understanding things, then letting him choose is best.  The homes just want whatever money they can get.  The medical just want a new paying customer.  No one, honestly, cares.  Still, it really isn't my call.

He has had four close calls in this last month.  He is feisty, ornery about it all.  But I think he really does get it.  He doesn't like it any more than we do.  I don't think he really wants to die.  But he also doesn't like being poked, prodded, and pushed.  And they do that in there.  They sort of have to, mind you.  But it is annoying, and encroachment, a test.  I am simply praying and leaving it God's hands, my mothers hands, my other uncle's hands, and hoping it works to God's will.  Well, and learning.  I may have to go through this with other family, such as my mother, and may end up on the receiving end in time.

I best get a few more things in the vehicle, do a bit more packing, then listen to some more music before eventually finishing and crashing.  Good night.  Oh... I don't know when I will post again.  It won't be until I receive my phone refund, or know it will be arriving and am sure I have enough on hand to work it.  If I can find a device that fits my bill, at all, that is.  If not, good bye and good luck.  Just remember, if something like me can be brought through, and I believe I have been, there is.... probably room for you.

Dames.

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I was just thinking... mothers, sisters, daughters in time, loves and lovers, they all share a certain aspect.  A meanness that is ruthless.  It is a bit of a test for men.  If they won't cross that, the woman knows the man will either become a lapdog type or won't even be worth that.  He can be turned into a drone.  Those who cross it, cancel it, and don't miss a beat?  That is how men are measured in a woman's world.  If he can do it without violence, that's the golden boy, with violence he is the bad boy, perhaps there are other rankings.  I doubt if women even realize they are doing the testing, or know, consciously, the results.  They just "do", and then work on what remains.

Women have to test.  They, before doctors/medicine took over fitness testing, women did that work.  And, if a man fell ill, and was't likely to recover, unless he had means... such as stored wealth he still controlled well, or thick family lines which still loved him, they would put him down.  The testing isn't just for that... limited resource use, but also for breeding.  Women only want the very best, more so that their kids have a chance at more, or better, or simply a real chance at survival.

Until my health improved, I didn't realize that even my mother was doing this.  All women, kin or not, take jabs at testing a man, if they get the opportunity.  Now that I am well, and realize some things, I have been understanding that my mother isn't "just a "b...."", but is testing.  They do it by nature.  I... have been treating that differently, now that I realize.  Oh, I knew it with other women, just didn't realize that was her gig too.  Of course, they... can end up crying.  But this is good for them.  They have that as an outlet, for a reason.  Once cleared, they are right as rain and have the data they were seeking.  I think, finally, she is believing some of my story, now that I have come, to some degree, back into my rights.  She knows, if not true, it could have been.  As good as it can get unless she had been there, I think.  Yeah... there is music for that.

A gooder son.

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Not the best son, but a better son.  I am not economically successful.  And I am difficult to work with.  At least now we understand why.  As well, I am doing enough better so as to work better and more.  This last helps my standing as a son.  My mother, in some ways, is old school.  Men work, women feed.

I helped paint part of the first room and most of the second room.  This, besides being a thing she wanted desperately, was something she really shouldn't have been helping.  I simply wasn't sure what I could do.  She had to do the organizing.  But the actual painting was a bit much for her.  After painting the first room, I realized I could paint well enough, so did most of the next room.  This pleased both of us.  I like to work.  I more have trouble organizing.  She is good at that part of it.

As well, I cut branches so that she can park without scratching her vehicle, mow without having to duck, and removed a few shrub-trees which were becoming a nuisance.  Oh, and just today I cleaned her gutters, changing the heights of various places so they should drain better and calking a seem that was dripping on her.

Beyond those things, I took care of most groceries, gave her some money for utilities, helped with the dishes and cooking chores, among other things.  Domestics really isn't my forte.  But I can help, and did, from time to time.

We have had a few arguments.  When it gets too hot, that just happens.  And yet this has been one of the best visits I can remember.  I am doing my level best not to leave on a sour note.  We used to do that.  My brother does that.  It is good.

I am planning on returning next spring, for a family swoop in to see my niece's graduation.  I have not met my brother's daughters.  I have only seen my brother twice since his wedding.  We will, if all holds, be in a small caravan of folk heading south for the graduation.  And, when we return, I asked... tonight... if we can begin planning a family reunion.  I can't do the calls and such.  Not my gig.  But I can be her legs.  I can do actual work, as needed.  Between the two of us, and perhaps a lady cousin, we might yet have a family reunion... perhaps the year after... so two years hence, give or take.

Yeah, now that I am not just a mental, i will begin being a part of the family again.  Believing I was crazy kept me from being involved.  I even passed up some opportunities at good women.  Yeah.  They really did mess me over by lying about the nature of my illness.  Whatevs.  I'll heal what I can, and redo what I can.  It's been good, perhaps it will be better from now on... mostly.

Sleep eventually.

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It never really cooled much.  Without ac up there, I think the high 70's is as low as it will get.  I suppose, with the fan, and getting tired enough, I finally fell asleep.  I will figure it out.  I slept well when I did sleep, if I am still tired this morning.  Starting meds and sleep delays both are playing their parts.  So it is, and will always be, in my condition.  Just another thing on another day.  All good, or not, it is what it is.  Honestly, I am thankful for what is.

Not only has the swelling been nearly eliminated in my legs, but one of the wounds has, almost miraculously, healed since I started my trip.  The other, what had been large tear which wasn't healing, has shrunk and is on the way to healing.  I have done nothing different, for the wounds or the swelling.  I don't know the fix(es).  I just know I am well pleased.  

I put my mom's dog out for a bit already, but would like to shower and get him out for a longer walk.  I have gone north and west, I think... not quite sure in this town but I think so.  In any case, I plan on going a different direction with him today.  I am hoping to get walking with him several times a day, and for longer distances.  Who knows.  I'll do what I can.  He sure enjoys getting out, I like the company and the walks as well.

I promised I would weed whip today.  I would also like to have the dishes, the few there are, finished and away when she returns.  Odd how such things aren't noticed.  But that... isn't the point, always.  Much as with prayer, when they are silent.  Sometimes public prayer is good, but sometimes it really is just between me or you and God.  As with good deeds in general, quite often.  I hope to do a quiet little task or two each day, plus the other stuff, and a few listed items.  It's... a goal.

Good day.

Too hot.

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I purchased a fan for upstairs.  It makes it feel better.  I was up there for a while, unable to sleep.  I didn't quite understand.  Then I checked the temp.  While the fan makes it feel better, the truth is it is still 78 up there.  No matter how one dresses some things up, they just won't work.  I may have to further purchase a small window ac for up there, close it up, and use that as needed.  I know I can sleep at 70, maybe at 72, possible 74, but not at 78.  And I need my sleep.

While I have misplaced some of my medication, so been off it for a few days, I have somehow nearly completely drained of fluids.  I would have thought, with the added heat stress, drinking "bad" fluids, eating the wrong foods until I can sort things, that I would be even worse than before.  Nope.  My feet are down to normal.  I started back on medications tonight, resetting the spare medicine container.  Though I cut the water pill to just one.  I fear what two might do, with me being this low on fluid.

On the other shoe, so to speak, I seem to have obtained a pretty hefty foot fungus.  I'll be working at erradicating that, if possible.  Perhaps the more recent, and severe, swelling left my feet vulnerable.  I have heard that daily, or twice daily, soaking in an apple cider vinegar and water mix will fix it, in a month... along, perhaps, with vix vapor rub?  Anyway, I might give that a try.  If I can find a foot bath that fits, or something that will work beside... hmm... one of those storage totes... but will require a lot more fluids.  This world is not built to be convenient to even pseudo-giants.

I said I would get the weed eater going tomorrow.  She has an electric.  It may not be a single shot, as today it was 90, with high humidity, putting the index up to 100... a bit dangerous for pets and gimps of various sorts, and the young and old.  I can probably get to it if I don't push too hard or long at any time.  Probably.  I'll be giving it a shot.  It is actually too hot to take her dog out, at least until later.  I have been walking him from time to time, for both of our sakes.

While I won't take care of complete care and feeding, I would like to see about walking more and more, and doing some of the care.  In consideration of obtaining a dog myself.  I could use the incentive to walk, and pal on the road.  But it can be a lot of work on all ends.  Dogs need and want a lot of time and attention.  Perhaps too much time and work.  Even a small dog needs quite a lot of time and a moderate amount of attention.  Though they walk much better than cats... which, on a leash, produce more like a drag... which is illegal in many states, immoral in even more.  ;p

I have been trying to make myself handy.  Not sure living together would ever work out though.  She loves to work,  And loves everyone else within a two square mile area to work with and for her.  I have let her know to make lists.  And, if she asks for something, do it when I am already up or getting up, not when I am in the middle of something.  She has done better with that, so far, mostly.  But that will always be a challenge for her.  Still, I think, with a bit of patience and effort on both sides, it might be possible.  While she is healthy enough.  And well worth it, with some pains to keep it sorted.  I just don't see her really doing it.  Oh, and she could go to my brothers for longish spells when it gets cold there, or just because.  I could probably keep up, for a while, if the place was mostly in order... or even afford help for when she was gone.

As I suggested, I have doubts about the veracity of her consideration.  But if she really gets to that place, I'd do what I could to make it happen.  To that end I really need to get back to work on cleaning and clearing when I return home.  I'll definitely be getting a dumpster in when I get back and clearing much out.  Then cleaning harshly and powerfully.  I may not get it all up, and keep it up, but I will approach that and shut some areas off, then hit a room every other month or something.  Ugh but housekeeping is just not my forte.

Not sure what to do tonight.  I would love to sleep, want it, but it's just too warm.  There is the couch, down here, but it is a bit too small and uncomfortable for me.  I may go up, read, and hope it just clicks, in time.  Good night.

Home.

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I made it back fairly easily.  It really didn't cost all that much.  I enjoyed the drive.  I made it in time for all needed.  Though I was pushing things.  Too many hours on the road, too little sleep... just could not sleep.  Typical of when I travel, it seems.  Whether to Burning Man, local or main, home, or anywhere.  I slept very little in the two days leading up to the drive and very little the next few days.  Finally, sleep is normalizing.  Heat was a problem last night.  I bought a fan today.  Maybe that will be enough.  If not, maybe a small window air conditioner.  I need sleep, and I need to be cool enough to do it.

The humidity is higher, but it really isn't bothering me.  The heat is, or can.  At least at the moment.  The drive was good for me.  I have been having a huge problem with swollen legs and feet lately.  While the house shoes are helping, for some reason, driving allowed me to lose almost all the fluid buildup.  My feet and legs look normal!  I haven't even been taking my meds regularly.  Strange.  I'll take it.

I get the feeling, however, that I am not terribly welcome.  I may be being... seeing what isn't there.  I just don't think so.  I definitely believe I am not terribly welcome.  This is the shire.  Even if I happened to be Gandalf... only some of the locals care for me.  Not even family.  Though I was adopted, there might even still be that.  Though it is more.  I do think I am read.  Why read if it is so upsetting?  I write what I write, believe what I do, and see, dream, and feel as I put it.  That won't change.  So... why bother?  

There is mother.  While she is difficult to be with, at times, I am finally convinced that she does love me.  Yes... I... question everything.  I had to.  I still have to.  I've been through too much to take anything at face value, or just trust.  You get what you earn.

Perhaps I was a bit off... at the gathering... having driven too long and stayed up too long.  My body may have just been... unhealthy.  Maybe I smelled a bit off.  Though I really think it is this blog and my notions of things that saw me pushed to the outside and excluded.  I don't mind, in one sense.  The initial sting was harsh.  That passed.  I might still see a few family, who seemed interested.  Most I... will simply understand.

I have been doing little bits and pieces to help out here.  Sometimes an idea, sometimes work, I do make the effort.  I even bought a small took kit for my mother.  If I am going to do stuff, I need tools.  But they are good for her to have on hand as well.  Not all potential handy-men have tools with them.  Sometime this next week, I will even be replacing a window pane, the old fashioned way and type.  I like to do these sorts of things.  Especially with someone else, mostly, keeping up on the house.  I'll even split out some of the cooking, cleaning, if more lightly in those areas.  Just the way it is.

Whatever else, I came to see my cousin buried.  She came to me so powerfully.  It tore me up.  Real?  It was to me.  I got to see her set to rest.  Even if I felt the need to defend myself, and be on hostile ground, to more of a degree than I thought would happen, I... pay that price gladly.  I feel right with her about it all now.  I can't help these things.  Not sure I would if I could.  I just wish... in time...

I also saw my uncle, the one who fell ill.  He is doing better.  Not home, as I was told.  Only back at the local hospital.  I will see him again, off an on, before I go... if such is available.  He is, most likely, going to a nursing home, at least short term, until he heals and can walk.  Stubborn.  A trait of the family, like it or not.  Even so, we don't always win.

I may post, from time to time.  I don't have my own new item, but that may be in the offing.  I did fix my mother's machine, so...  Be well.

So much to do.

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So little time.  I think those are the rules.

Was worried about the doctor.  Finally set that up.  It was timing.  When I get back is soon enough.

Set up lighter hoses for watering.  Watered lawn for the first time.  Had to cut it short, harshly.  That should help with weeds, if  it might burn the grass.  A price and risk I see as reasonable.

I need to get dishes and laundry, packing, and as much straightening as possible, plus have plants, cat food and litter, and worm food all centralized.  It is getting hot on top of things.  I’ll do what I can.  Oh, and a chore list.  The doc was the big headache.  If that went south, no driving... legally.

Tech problems.

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Either the monitor, cable, vid board, software, or worse is wrong.  I will, when I can, get in to buy a new cable.  Until then?  I am using my ps4, which is painfully slow and annoying.  Just saying I am not dead or really ill.  Some have complained when I go without some word.

If it isn‘t the cable... it might be a while.  Might go with a tablet, dump computers, and see if that is enough.  So long as it has wifi, can hook to a monitor, mouse, keyboard, and printer, should be enough.

Now you know.  Later.  Maybe much later.

No class reunion.

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Which is fine.  It would have been nice, not saying otherwise.  It just wasn't the highest priority.  I suppose, somehow, I could squeeze that out.  But I don't think I could find enough places to stay to be out of the way while there.  My mother might well love for me to stay that long, in theory.  But as we all know, that... simply... doesn't work out.  Parents and children, living together, no matter how much we love each other...  If it has to work, sometimes it does.  But it is rocky.  Actually, living with anyone is a tough gig.  No matter how pretty, useful, helpful, she has always become a ball and chain.  Love it?  Well... there are times I would have sworn to it, much at when in engineering I swore I loved math.  No.  The only thing that might have gotten me to stay with a woman is children.  Otherwise it just doesn't last.  And, even that, is more like a guilt trip, until the children are old enough to begin programming to do stupid pet tricks.  Which is short lived as well.

Anyway, yeah, no.  I'd love to stay longer, in one sense.  That I haven't been there for a long time.  Hmm... actually?  I was thinking of being there a month anyway.  If I went later enough, and held my breath at times, I might be able to make it.  Leaving a few days before the end of this month, returning in early August?  You know?  Especially if I could stay with other family, from time to time.  Not sure.  I'll think on it.

The good side to everything being off is I have more time to attempt to clean, clear, and be very ready to go.  Today is a rough one.  It's cold again, not sunny.  It was down to 64 this morning, in this front room (without vent from the furnace).  So... yeah.  Even so, I have dishes soaking again, and laundry about to begin being processed, switched out, and all.  I have to fold these.  Ugh...  Lots more clothes than I thought, as some were still in the dryer.

It is shaping up.  Not sure, even now, but... maybe.  Later.

Looks like the cold war is heating up.

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A senator and staffer, or several of one or each, were shot.  An attack by a bernieite.  Leftists have been pushing this, hard, since the harder left lost to the softer left in this last election.  They have become completely unhinged.  Which wasn't much of a movement.  Of course, they are going after their own allies.  From what I can tell, if they murdered every republican in the senate and the house they would be doing 'conservatives*' a favor.  We aren't represented, currently.  All our leadership and reps have sold out to the biggest foreign money.  But replacement value is where it really might be at, and the change in attitude.

There will be many republicans who attempt to negotiate, to play nice about this, and to attempt to make amends.  Hopefully up close and personal.  More hopefully, with the same results of what we got here.  Then, and probably only then, will repbulicans start realizing that their foreign owners don't care, that the side they are trying to make peace with only wants the peace of their death and the deaths of many they say they mean to represent, and nothing else will satisfy them...  Choices.  They can, for less "money", begin truly representing America and Americans, and even limiting who and what those things mean, or they can end up in that shallow grave, if they get that, but from each side.  In a hot war, being in the middle absolutely sucks.  It's going hot.

Hatch, I think, bothered me with a call last night, to suggest he had some live event going on.  No. thank. you.  Keep it.  I'm not interested.  I've watched his work, and simply have no interest in being involved.  I remember when he was about to be replaced, and the state GOPe butchered the process to make sure he kept his seat.  He is neither an ally, or friend.  That is how I feel about republicans!  Dems?  Well, no need to even go there.

At this point, cya.  If you know decent people, do what you can for them.  Watch your back, the animals are out and crazed.  If they come, do not hold back.  You might well lose, but better to lose giving than just taking.  If there is no pain, to them, they will never stop.  And, who knows, you pop a couple of them rightly, you might just turn the numbers game against them.  Angels, it is said, will still fight with righteous men.  Leave politicians to their chosen fate, defend yourself and yours.  Oh, don't start it, not unless it comes to that point.  But finish it if possible.  Good day.

Awake, about on time, with a minor headache.

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I think the headache is from shifting sleep cycle.  The cool... changed something.  It being, in real terms, cool not actuallycold (in here and to me), I was able to stay up longer.  But that is hard on the body.  Resistance to wakefulness disappeared, that threw things off.  The headache is mild, it will pass on it's own, so no aspirin.

Brushing two to three times a day, shaving every other day or three, keeping up on food and the girls, and now attempting to put the cave in order before I rocket out.  Or, even if I don't.  Bits and pieces, one thing at a time... nearly.  A load of laundry right after this post, then running fresh hot water for the dishes, looking for a suitcase or two... a larger one for four or five sets of clothes, and dress clothes, plus a small personals pack.  Only extra socks and underwear, the rest can wear longer.  Trying not to over-pack, but I hate having too little as well.  Good to be a man, on some things, even so, if I take too much as men often go.  Then again, I used to take a lot less and end up having to buy.  Not good.

I don't know how much I can get done.  Yes, yes, talk, talk, talk, mostly, so far.  But, for me, it helps to talk into it when I am not quite ready to do.  I coalesce the mind in that direction, beat the war drums, and hope to instill urgency, focus, intent.  I have to do a lot of a work to do any work... which is why that doesn't happen as often as I would like.  Well, and the work I would rather do is expensive.  I'd rather be fixing things, working on the roof, even painting.  Not just expensive work, but also complicated.  Paining a room would me, for me, usually, stripping it.  Even in the big, current, bathroom, before I paint I will remove the toilet.  I'll have to do a new wax ring.  Which is fine, I want to lay a new double bead of silicon calk anyway.  But, see, it... gets complicated, and paint isn't cheap either.  Choosing a color?  Gah!

However, the work that is for me, to make the cave a bit more reasonable to have 'guest workers' is what there is on my list.  I will do it as best I am able.  Quickly, tirelessly as possible, and as efficiently as I can.  Yeah... sounds like when someone else is prepping you for work.  But I don't have anyone else.  Oh.  Best set up my medicine as well.  The half hour is up, so now, after brushing, I can have tea.  Just that will keep teeth from being white without silly efforts.  Stained, maybe, but I've had fewer cavities, none since 1993, than most of you.  Keep your pearlies, if they have to keep drilling.

Right.  Tea.  Plus finishing waking.  Oh, but a load of laundry in and dishes a refresh.  THEN, an hour or two to wake and stretch into things.  THEN back to work of some kind.  I do like to work, if some of this mumbo-jumbo house cleaning and sorting stuff is... a struggle.  More than most.  Not my problem, sort of, it is what to do.  Work, work, work, go, go, go, ready, aim, fire, shut the fuck up and get up!  Later.

Fried.

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It isn't just from what I wrote.  I have been working, on the side, to try to get things arranged before I go.  Laundry is going, the toilet has been cleaned with the intention of hitting the whole bathroom tomorrow then keeping it pristine until I go, the bedroom I am in is being treated, as will a few other places.  I want to make it as pleasant for any who must enter to do the chores needed.  As well, to not come home to... well... what I have been living in.

The potential for travel has given me cause to scoot and shoot.  Work, work, work...  At least the drive is there.  The practical?  I get bogged down so easily!  Distracted, confused, tiring out easily as well.  Still, I... I have done more today, here, there, this, and that, than I have in quite some time.  Push.  I want a whole lot more done.  The main thing are the things which would be troublesome for many reasons.  Then the stuff that is just clutter.  Finally, perhaps, some neatening and refining, if I get that far.

Beyond, I want worm and cat food prepped and easy.  I want the indoor plants put where they won't be as easily missed when tending to the girls (cats).  Hmm, I might even leave treats for whoever visits.  Various candy bars, ice cream bars, or... something.  Honey is far better than else, for drawing kind deeds, and spurring the behavior.  I have to think about even more.  Not sure what niece aged girls like, want, need.  Mix and match in there.  Hmm...  I will ponder on the tree of woe... when estrogen is set to waft.  Or call my brother, he has two of my other nieces.  He might know.  I dunno.

I might change out the hoses, and put lighter ones out.  The ones I have are murder for even me to work with.  Yeah, glutton and pain both belong in the explanation for that.  Not that it's all that serious, I nap more than pain myself.  Still, the idea is there.  I do try.  I'll toss the clothes in the dryer, let them fluff as done as they will get, and get ready to do more in the morning.  Thankfully I really don't have many clothes to do.  I do have a lot of dishes though.  Hmm...  I'll probably run a load of those before I go to bed to.  Let them soak.  Ugh.

Medicine, brushing, then?  Good night.  That's what's next.  Sleep well or work hard, whatever is left to you... or just enjoy, if that's open and else is as done as it can be.

Pulling teeth.

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I had added extra money into my Home Depot account, in order to have money in it to pay off the lawnmower, or get a start on it anyway.  As it turns out, their credit department refused to use that money.  They wanted me to buy an in-store purchase card with it, then use that along with the regular balance and whatever else.  The in-store guys advised against it.  If the store-chit, or whatever it is called, wouldn't process, then I would be stuck.  They can't return those.  They weren't sure it would work.  So I had to use another card.  Which... makes things tight.  They wouldn't up the card, or do anything else to help.  I may have to get rid of that card.  They do it to themselves.  At least the store people were trying to prevent me from being scammed.  Still, it was messy.

Now to get it back.  I ended up going with the larger mower.  It was on sale for less than even the smaller mower I had been considering.  The 10% off I had brought it down to where, if they had used the card, that would have paid it all.  It does have the 50" deck.  Oh well... the good is having the 24 hp engine.  I hope it's a good.  When I get back I will order the scoop.  I'll install it, then just detach the scoop portion.  The brackets stay on it.  You never know until you know, I guess.

I did a bit more shopping.  Cat food, litter, and a few needed items.  Shorts, a few caps, and house shoes... or good enough for that.  For when I travel, though they were needed anyway.  That sure added up fast, but... what can you do?  I may find out tonight, when I can get the mower.  I'd like to ride it at least once before heading out.  I am excited about it.  I never thought I could afford one, to be honest.

I'll tell you, whatever else, I seem to be either somewhat appreciated or absolutely hated.  I can't always tell which it is.  Don't really care, on the one hand.  But it... when eyes are burning holes in your back... then again, I'm a little nervous when the herd closes in, friend of foe.  I'm used to being alone.  Honestly I don't know if I could fight my way out of a wet paper bag, but push come to shove I'd give it what I've got.  Might go down like a bag of potatoes or might end the thing before most people could blink.  Depends on me, what I might be facing, and...  Well...  I'm getting old.  I'm well past when most people die, from a thousand things.  I've been dead three times.  I shouldn't even honestly be able to have this sort of conversation... but there it is.

If you are going to do it, shoot me several times, well placed shots.  Shoot my again, very well placed while approaching.  Then chop off my head.  You really don't want me coming back again.  No jail or prison will keep you safe from me.  Though, I think mine would get you if you succeed.  But they'll just kill you.  I'll rip parts of you off.  Don't tease.  Do it or leave it alone.  Yeah.

Later.

Cool, actually really cool.

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As I was heading out, I noticed my furnace thermometer.  I thought I saw something that shouldn't... couldn't... be.  I have it set at 66, and really should have it off.  No matter, it still flashes between the time and the internal temp reading.  I could have swore it read 66, in that nano second as I was speeding by and just happened to glance.  But that... couldn't be?  It's JUNE 13th!  So, in spite of being a bit in a hurry, I paused to see.  Indeed.  It read 66 F, in my house, and that is with the furnace on.  I wonder what it might have gotten down to otherwise?  Absolutely crazy.  I'm betting snow really is coming.  That wasn't just a... freak dream... daydream... vision.  Or has it already snowed?  They aren't telling the real news, currently.  They are hiding much.  Trump and the other clowns in D.C. are covering over the real events with their bullshittery.  Is he now owned, or undone?  Or... we'll see.  You too, maybe.

I got to the post, though, and in time.  Two sinks.  Never ordering that way again.  They really dropped the ball on shipping.  I did get a water bill today, though I haven't heard back from the accountant.  The bill shows that I am $19 in the black, but I think I have a $50 check to be cashed yet.  For some reason I wrote them for the middle of the months?  I have no idea why I did that.  That is totally out of character.  Was I ill, or really... problematic... when I wrote them?  I just... don't know.  Anyway, I'd like to see, generally, what my bill comes to, when it would be due again... roughly... then get a couple of years worth of checks in.  Ugh.

I haven't heard from my mother, either.  Though she might not have the time until later.  Plus, she is having to call someone else, perhaps playing phone tag as well.  Life is never straightforward when two or more gather for a job... save worship.  Unless it's a well hones team.  A gaggle of women, transmitting information... can go either way.  *grins*  No complaints, I just don't transmit, mostly.

I shaved again.  One thing I am finding about shaving?  If you do it, you sort gotta keep doing it.  Or the face itches, the whiskers get sharp, the skin dries out terrible.  Either shave or do not shave, but don't horse around.  When I wasn't, officially, shaving, just using the trimmer was a good way to go.  Brushing and shaving are becoming very regular, and medicine, and food.  Not back to work yet, but...  Oh... if I go home, I'll have my mother make a list of things to do.  No promises, at all.  But, if I can, I'd like to try to work there.  When she is at work.  I might do the list, or do other things.  I've... learned my way around a home, if I can't keep one up, not fully, not solo.  I'll bet I can surprise her.  Or... not.  :p

Don't believe everything you hear.

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Actually, believe nothing that you hear.  Test it, check it, verify... even then... doubt.  Even when you know it, be looking for how, when, why, not.  This includes God.  He will check out, has for me anyway, so far.  Yeah, I... keep at it, both on Him, and myself.  Doubt will do you great favors, checking is necessary, so times of peace when you reach a plateau of consciousness will bear exceptional fruit from it.  It's... how it has to be, and will be, whether you like it or not... if you intend to live, and learn.

What? Right.

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After days of pushing to make it to 17:00, making it once then falling back, I was awake until 21:00 and change last night.  Not good to stretch that far, at least on an 'empty stomach'.  When traveling, I can do it, and much more.  Just sitting at home, especially adjusting to medicine, not so much.  I woke at 4:00, pretty much exactly.  Seven hours isn't bad, considering everything is out of bend.  Still, it's an ugly morning for it, at least starting out.  Headache.