Fading hope.

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I had hoped to warm and get to work.  That just wasn't possible.  Even with a meal, that just couldn't happen today.  Too cool?  Too dark?  Worn from recent efforts?  A mix of all?  So cold, I just can't seem to warm up.  That isn't the only part, but seems to be a bigger part?  I just don't know.

I'll keep at it.  Take medicine.  Eat as and when possible.  One more week of double potassium, then it's back to the agreed amount... dependent on how many water pills I take.  Now that I am to one, only one potassium is recommended.  I was taking the two, because I had been taking five pills for a week, or so.

I had thought I would still, in time, need to take more water pills, to get the remaining fluids out, but I don't think so now.  Oh, I think there remained excess fluid.  But, over time, with the flow having been created, that single water pill per day has pumped the remaining excess out.  My feet, ankles, and legs have been exceptional, and my midsection has been greatly improved... both in general feel, general physical touch, and else.  I think it is clear.

Anyway... still happy with the day.  I needed a nap, so took one.  I woke, and have been doing okay.  No pains, aches, headaches, or else.  I have managed food, with some help from others.  The girls are fed.  And I think I will get out and tend the rabbits one more time tonight?  Or not.  It hasn't frozen, so... and their food was set up well this morning.  So I may just go on to bed, fairly comfortable that all are taken care of as I am able and within reason.

Plus, if I get to bed shortly, perhaps I can wake earlier... dark, cold, or not.  Insulin, with dinner, and slow acting, have been taken.  Pill medicines too.  I'd like to stay up to check blood sugar in a bit, but that would make it a near 23:00 bedtime, so... nah.  Yeah, I think I will just head on up to sleep.

I do have a few treats up there, in case blood sugar drops.  I should take a bottle of water too.  It's difficult for me to eat, almost anything but certainly candy, without a draught.  I'll shut the door tonight, though.  As I want some more serious sleep.  I'll let the girls up, say, Monday?  Or Tuesday.  Every two to four days.  I love their company, but it mucks up my sleep!  Bah!  Good day, good evening, and good night.

Awake and stats.

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I had to nap.  As suggested.  So I did, mostly.  Couldn't warm, stay or keep warm, but slept moderately well.  I didn't let the girls up, but they can meowl through the floor like banshees.  Only did it once, or for a while?  Bleh.  No real reason, save that they can.  Lonely?  Or... something.

Down, as it ended up, a bit after 13:00.  Awake at 16:00.  Longer than a nap, but not a fully sleep cycle.  If I could have warmed, it would have helped.

Several dreams.  In one, I was talking to some woman... casually... about finding a woman.  You know how women push single guys to find women.  Always plugging for their kind.  After an half hour, she was a bit frustrated.  She said I didn't deserve a woman.  I just laughed at her.  But then said more.

I told her there are two types of men.  Those who tell women the truth, and those who live in lies with women.  Those who tell the truth hurt women with their tongues.  Those who live in the lies, half-truths, and else with which women are accustomed, use their fists when women wake them to some truth they aren't ready for.  I prefer the truth, many women prefer lies.  I get it.

I had another similar dream afterward.  Can't recall it, was hoping to post it.  Oh well.  Very short dreams.  I enjoyed the heck out of them though.

BP is 120/87 with a pulse of 82.  It's pushing higher, but this time it's been all day since morning meds, even if sleeping.  I think the cold isn't helping, oddly?  And blood sugar is 108.  Which is extremely odd.  It was 404 fasting, this morning.  Then 299 after breakfast and a dose?  How could it have fallen that much after just one meal and one dose?  Maybe the meter was, or is, off.  That is about a three hundred point drop.  Whatever.  For now, it is as it reads, unless I see too many other peculiarities.

Later.

Between the cold, dark, and damp...

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So tired.  Sleepy.  I'm thinking a nap.  Thinking?  Not sure there is an option.  Have you ever been in a crowd so packed that, other than angling out... if that may not be wise even if successful, the choices are limited to a very few things and only as possibilities, not sureties?  A nap is less a consideration than one of very few options.

As with the Christmas shopping crowd, in a major mall, when they used to be places people went, the choice of going on up with the crowd, to and up the escalator, or trying to get off to the side of the hall leading to the escalator...  If you have ever succeeded in getting off to the side, then getting stuck there, you know... best to just go on up, then find a way to split out to an exit or keep going to wherever you were headed.  Though the store will probably be too busy.  The choice is either pushing into insomnia or taking a nap, hoping for a better near future.

Medicines, and insulin, were taken.  I have a timer set to let me know when readings could be taken, when it would be optimal.  And, I know, taking a nap will throw those off.  Definitely blood sugar.  But, oh well.  As I mentioned, the choice is to induce insomnia or nap it off and have some chance at a working afternoon.

Yesterday was rough, this way, too.  I pushed on through.  And, mostly successfully.  I don't think it will work like that today.

Surprised the kid was acquitted.  Of course, it isn't over.  Every bureaucracy, other levels of government "justice", the city and state, civil courts, and mob rule are all still a viable threat.  "Our side" does nothing for it's people.  Their side actively goes after us at every level, legally and not.  It's why we lose.  I'll send a prayer, but I don't expect him to survive long, or remain free.

Later.

Up, finally.

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It was right at ten when I could finally kick out.  Down right at 23:00.  I had tried to get more work done, failed, then had to slowly head to bed when I realized nothing was going to happen.  It was 22:30 when I decided, but it took a bit.  I had become slightly chair-bound.  Still, better than that sometimes turns out.

Chores, first thing this morning.  Most of their food and water was good.  A few had consumed most of their water, so those were changed.  A few needed more food, that was arranged.  Looking good, healthy, chipper.  I don't think it froze last night, or the waterers certainly didn't.  And, if the ground froze, then it thawed before I got out there.  Possible, but I don't think so.

It did rain, or lightly hail, from time to time overnight.  Very lightly, a time or two that I heard, after sleep.  Heavier a bit before bedtime and earlier yet.  Still a bit overcast this morning, but in such a way that almost anything could happen.  It might clear, or get heavier, it might rain, who knows snow isn't impossible.

Three things on the priority list.  Changing the girls' litter, showering, and getting dishes started.  On the lower end, getting clothes upstairs to be dealt with, and tearing down boxes.  And, in the near to late term, trash and recycling being gathered and taken out.  Well, and keeping up on feeding the girls, and myself.  Perhaps a few little things to add to those projects, or on their own but to help those or the idea of those.  Ugh.

Sleep was superior.  Warm, comfortable, if I woke a bit more often than preferred.  Then again, I let the girls up, last night, and they... well... they do what they do.  "Ah, a head!  I'll bet I can tightrope it, what do you think, Sassy!",  "Oh, I'm sure of it.  Go for it!"  I should check my forehead for paw prints.  Still, they are fun, once in a while.  Even their nighttime dramas.  "She touched me!",  Now, Sam?  It was you who went over and sat on her head, so...  "But... you aren't listening!  She TOUCHED me!".  Cats... and girl cats to boot.

Not many aches or pains, and very light.  Mostly from not rolling when I wanted to, because a cat was sleeping in the way.  No major issue, not worried about it.  Still, I miss when the girls aren't there, if I simply won't let them up every night.  Every few nights, as I remember.

Breakfast water is heating.  Pills are in.  Electrolytes and added vitamins are going down.  Hopefully some work in a bit, stats before too long.  But, for now, just some waking.  It is good to have chores done already.  I'll need to do them later, as they are beginning to change their drinking and eating speeds, so I'll have to... then again, other than water, I don't mind them going hungry overnight, as long as they had food in the day...  Yea.  Later.

Past bedtime.

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I did eat.  Got bills paid, finally.  For whatever reason, that was a stress... which means it got delayed.  Still, done!  Finally.  Everyone hereabouts is fed and mostly tended.  I am only awake because I kept hoping to wring out a bit more work.  Laundry is done, or at least all dried.  Bits were done, but nothing big, as I had hoped.

Though, given all, it's been a good week.  Started toward the middle, and not a great deal done.  But more than I have done in the month before it, or nearly?  Well, definitely more, without pain, or extreme physical taxation.  I don't even hurt currently.  I haven't had to take a pain pill all week.  I have been staying on meds, eating pretty good, with a few excesses.  

Hungry, and still hungry.  But, fairly.  I have been eating as little as 600 or 700 calories on most of the days.  I... can't do that.  Deficit eating, at a third or less of a practical calorie deficit menu, will lead to... has lead to... overeating.  My problem is, I haven't been able to get to cooking, which actually requires cleaning... of dishes and areas.  And some sorting and discarding of everything from food stuffs to pots and pans and dishes to empty boxes.

Still, I'm... I'm doing what I can, as I can.  I'll keep at it.  Still dragging, a bit, due to meds.  But, since I can work, I am... up to the level I am able.  Really, doing well.  Trying to catch up on whatever I can, as I remember, and then in as ordered a fashion as possible.  Damn if it isn't a harsh thing.  No help, no list I can keep on top of, but at least memory is better.

No, I'll... keep at it.  But it's bedtime.  I won't do more tonight.  Can't.  Should have gone to bed a while ago.  But, then again, it beats the 01:30... or 02:30 bedtimes which have happened a few times the last two weeks.  Goodnight, sleep well, pleasant dreams, or may your work be smooth.  Amen.

Stats...

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Sure takes a while, but... tired, moving slow.  BP was 120/86 with a pulse of 71.  I had to take it twice, but I know why.  And, yeah, it happens.  Blood sugar is 166.  I used medium insulin dose, which is about half what I have generally been using, to bring it down faster.  If that is around twice what a small dose is.  Well, and it has only been an hour or so since I ate.

When diabetes is more controlled, an hour is okay to test.  Usually.  When not well controlled, as now, an hour is pushing it.  I haven't been testing in the morning, and wont until the average is around 150 or less.  Because, until that mark, or a bit after, morning reads are the highest of the day and I don't consider them an actual good reading.  Until then, they are automatic outliers.  Still, getting there.  The average for the week is 161.  Though, that is without morning reads.  So, I'll probably wait until more like a 130 or less weekly average.

Chores were done.  Their water wasn't freezing.  Some of them were empty, or enough so to be changed, but not all.  I'll refill them this afternoon, and check again this evening.  For now, even if thawed, if they are thirsty and are drinking, I will refill and replace at their leisure.  Their food consumption has dipped, a lot.  Which is fine.  But I am keeping those rather full.

Hungry, though.  Terribly hungry.  I may... try to get to town.  Ugh.  A few calls, I hope, first.  I'd love a shower, but... maybe not.  It's so dark out there, and cool.  My brain is just having a hard time lighting off, though that has been true all week.  Work is a double chore when I can't seem to stay awake!  Later.

120/86 71

Early down, late up.

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I went to sleep shortly after 21:00.  I only woke, perhaps, two or three times... which is rather good.  I don't even think I fully woke those times.  I am used to waking four to eight times, sometimes more.  A few times completely awake, or closer to it.  Last night, and recently generally, has been better.

I woke at about 08:30.  But, then, it is overcast, I worked a goodly bit yesterday, and... well, that's enough.

I reset medicines today, in the month tender.  It looks like I am out of some things, but have an appointment coming up.  Though I need to call in, in any case.  So I'll order meds soon.  But, for a month, I am set up.  Then I loaded what was in the wash into the dryer and started that.  I don't really have another full load, so will hold off on more laundry.

I gave the girls treats.  Had to remember to bring out a fresh pack this morning.  But, all good.  Between this and that, I am tired again already.  Which is fine.  I'll take a little break, then get to chores next, and a shower after that.  Probably a break inbetween.  Not much work, but with what has been happening, and how out of shape I have become due to sitting form months, it is taking it out of me.

It is almost a miracle that I am doing what I am.  A light switch, almost, off then on.  But, imagine the capacity of a lightbulb to be rusty.  It isn't quite so easy, even if it has the applications to make it seem easy.

Breakfast, when I get a bit of air, and energy, back.  I did set the pot to heating.  Not sure how warm it will still be.  But it has an half hour hold button.  Not sure how long it was ago, though.  Still, it also has some insulation, so keep beyond that, to some degree.

I also turned the heat up just a bit, to warm the waterers for the rabbits.  Though, I did step out, to see the temp.  It is about 33 to 34 F, right on the line.  It may have gotten to freezing last night, being at least 08:30 when I checked.  Ugh.  If not, their waters may still be good.  My job is to check them, change them out if frozen or empty, twice a day.  And check their food once a day unless there is a reason to do otherwise.

Oh, and maybe fresh water for the girls.  Now that I am back to things, a bit better, I'd like to spoil them a bit, for my recent laxity.  It's as good as I can do.  And, they really appreciate my efforts, and are as forgiving as possible when I fail.  They really are.  Not much choice, though they could... be ruthless.  Trust me.

Pill medicines are down, electrolytes sipped, and the extra vitamins about to go down.  Vitamin D and C are sort of extras, a bit big for the pill dispenser.  Most others are easily consumed elsewise or fit in the dispenser.  Bleh, always something that has to be done sideways.

On to setting up breakfast, or getting things going in that direction.  Later.

Nearly bedtime.

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I couldn't do more.  I was done.  I will check the waterers, for the rabbits, and change litter for the cats.  Ugh.  I will have to push to do it.  So tired.  I have just been sitting here... sitting here.  Who knows what I have been doing.

I wanted to see if bp would be high without night meds, and it was, a bit.  So I took medication, and will check in an half hour.  It wasn't terribly bad, no worse than the worst this week, roughly.  Just bad enough I wanted to test after medication and some time.  Blood sugar, on the other hand, was surprisingly good.  At 126 non-fasting of course, I was quite happy.  Why the dive recently?  Why the spike?  I don't always understand.  

And, yes, I did end up using 12 cc's of fast acting insulin.  I do have to take slow acting stuff.  I do that regularly, and take 25 cc's, as per doctor agreement.  Fast acting depends on food, numbers after testing, and some other things.  This is the lowest dose I have taken in quite some time, but then I have been bringing it down from at least the 600s.  I think it took two big doses before it was to a readable number, on the glucometer.

Anyway.  I may see about laundry, while checking the waterers out there.  Then set up whatever waterers need it, for filling soon.  I may be able to simply thaw, and then return to service, fuller waterers... which would be quite a relief.  It's a lot of work to refill so frequently.  I'm doing my best for the hoppers.  I do like them.

Well, I'll just amend this when I get the after-medicine bp.  Just... tracking for my own purposes.  Later.  Though, really, good evening and goodnight.  God's speed, good sleep, and wonderful dreams... or at least the hope and a prayer for those things is offered.  Goodnight.

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Update:  BP: 124/93 pulse 81 ... a bit better.  Bleh.

Stats update.

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I kept stalling taking stats, not sure why.  I set an alarm, but it must have been later, between earlier tasks?  Still, all good, finally got to it here at 15:26.  BP is 118/85 with a pule of 85.  Diastolic and pulse are a bit high, but not... when either can easily hit 140, and one can go forty higher, I... suppose that isn't bad.  Still, compared to lately...  I am not sure why the variance.  Perhaps my body is just sorting it all out still?  Then again, I am tired, from a lot of work (relative).  Maybe that does take a toll?

As for blood sugar?  I am amazed.  Especially after food last night.  Bad, bad, food, for keto purposes, and lots of it.  Not one meal, but another.  I went out and got more, had to, was starving.  The first meal gave me the energy necessary to go out for a second meal.  HUNGRY!  But I couldn't cook, even after the first meal.  HUNGRY!!!  Oh, right, it is 112 non-fasting!  And the weekly average has come down from 225 or so, to 194 today.  Not... perfect, but not bad.  Especially, as mentioned, after pissing all over a keto/diabetic diet last night.  HUNGRY, if I hadn't mentioned.  Still a bit hungry, but... I'll make do with what I have here at home.

Actually, more to eat, now.  Just cheese sandwiches, pork rinds, and a few smaller bowls of fruit.  Those, as much as possible, are keto.  Anything processed is questionable.  But the fruit, other than it's natural fructose, only has monkfruit and/or stevia as a sweetener.  The rest is carb-free, technically (?) or literally.  If you can believe... or as far as you can believe... labels.  When your government is trying to require lethal medication, everything is dubious.  Still, it's what I have, for now.

I am afraid to dose.  But I am afraid not to dose.  Yesterday, the day before... recently, after a similar meal, blood sugar spiked over 150.  There was nothing in there that should have spiked anything.  It's just that, when I am eating too little, for too long, something... quirky happens.  Still, I have to be careful, because it can then dive.  I had that happen recently too, even without dosing.  Ugh.  As it gets close to normal, insulin becomes... tricky.  I'm think, perhaps, 8 to 12 cc's of fast acting.  Hmm... I'll go with 12.  That is still pretty light.  Later.

More.

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Exhausted me, but not in the immediate, wrong, way.  I am getting tired because I am doing things, not because of cellular or biochemical failures.  My cells receive blood and energy, I use the muscles and else to lift, move, bend, and else, and then I get tired.  My body isn't used to working, so it doesn't take as much as I would like to wear out.  But it isn't a nearly instant exhaustion caused simply by standing, or taking a few steps.

The rabbits were fed and watered.  I will check there water again tonight.  I will only check their waterers at night, food and water in the morning.  It was all frozen, save for one rabbit who seems to remember that drinking keeps it flowing.  The others will, eventually remember, or solve that... at least to a point.  But two water checks a day should see them able to keep it flowing much of the time.

The girls have been fed.  The waterers have been brought in.  Some to just be thawed, others have been reset so as to be refilled.  Plus a pail of water, to refill those with.  And, whatever is left, will be added to the girls' water.  Or simply completely to refresh the sum, depending on how much remains.  While I refreshed it this morning, it was with water which has been in the house a few days.  This would be not only fresh, but cooler.

I have litter to manage, a shower to take, laundry to probably put on a final drying spin, and a few bills to pay by phone.  Ugh.  Almost... just about... nearly... getting to a point where I can say I am beginning at the beginning.  If possible, boxes and dishes started today.  Maybe some clearing and cleaning in the kitchen.  Nothing fancy, at all.  An half an hour, here and there, or there, whatever.

My mother called.  Asked if I had tried to call her.  I told her I don't try to call her anymore.  Her phone is almost always off.  She is doing it.  It isn't the staff, or other patients.  I know... it sucks to have poor memory, and to try to be nice to those around you, AND to get what you want from others outside.  But... that just isn't how it works.  I am just now crawling out of a grave, I can't manage other excesses or debts beyond my limits.

Still, we had a good talk.  I think I upset the poor dear.  That really isn't my intent.  I just speak, and say, because I have almost no ability to... add flourish, dance for my dinner, or bark a polite tongue.  I say, as I do, for life is too sparse for me to do politics, or diplomacy.  Rude?  If you say so.  I am just telling you how things are, as I see them, to the best of my ability, as honestly, and concisely as possible.  If you can't handle it, don't talk to me.

Yea, especially as I begin working.  It really does take it out of me.  Still, I... am getting things done, feeling better, if tired, about it.  Hoping to catch up as possible.  Impressive, really.  If, most likely, in a day or two, or tomorrow, or... now... I will fail, for a while.  Going back into fog, for exhaustion... if at least earned this time.  Until I lose it, I'll hang on and keep going.  Good afternoon, day, and maybe night.

It seems slow, but really it isn't as it seems.

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It is 10:36.  What, three hours up?  A late wake, but a late down.  In part because of work, yesterday... as little as that really was.  Still, it was a first real start in a very long time.  Several projects were started, some to completion.  I was tired, but a bit off as bedtime approached.  I even remembered medicines.

I usually don't get started on things until several, two often, hours after waking.  And that when I am doing better.  This morning, I got started right away.  Laundry set to a final run in the dryer, and a load put in the wash.  Perhaps a few other things?  Cats fed.

No, I have put the washing load into the dryer, and have that going.  Added a new load to the wash.  Refilled all the waterers I had available.  Refreshed the cats' water.  Made tea, and breakfast... breakfast is brewing, tea is going down with this.  Had medicine, save insulin... that goes with breakfast anyway.  A few other things?  Oh, turned the furnace up, both to warm the place a bit for a shower, but to warm the waterers as well.

It is 32 out there.  But it feels colder, and probably was.  I'd bet the waterers out there are frozen.  So I'll need to pull those, put fresh, thaw, and refill even those.  I will check later.  Hoping to water the rabbits twice a day.  If their waterers freeze, there is a limit to how much I can do.  But, fresh water, twice a day, will definitely keep them alive.  Especially since they learn that, as long as they keep the water moving, it stays open longer.  And, yes, they... do sort that out.  Did last year, anyway.

Vitamins and minerals, but I haven't had electrolytes yet.  They really are helping.  With all, as is, one water pill seems to be enough.  If health improves, I may... see about that.  Depends on the doctor, but with one pill keeping me on the verge of dehydration, perhaps half the dose, or a milder medication?  Just, as things improve, if I can maintain them... medications, some of them, might be adjusted.  I'd like to not pee at night, again.  While I have minimized the affect of that, it is still an annoyance.

Perhaps I can find a more sedate, peaceful, less painful, more awake, slide to my end.  I have ripped and torn the world and myself to get to this point.  I will do so as required, until it is no longer required.  But I wouldn't mind some peace, rest, civility, gentility... just even a few months, or years.  Either way, so be it.  Or, amen as you might know it.  Yes, amen.

A few more tricks.

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As things are smoothing, unfolding, moving forward, I am regaining balance.  I am not 'there' yet.  But I see a time where I may be.  When blood pressure, blood medicine, medicine, insulin, and food, are as optimal as they can be... and while and when I can keep them steading, my life may return to a very small part of what age has left of it to be.

Life, function, has some potential.  It won't be fancy.  I may still never retrieve a regular schedule.  Function will probably always be limited.  The damage to heart and organs, the thirty some years that have passed, the limits to improving fitness for any and all reasons...  But, I may, slowly, begin moving closer to such.  Heck, if I can get fit enough to find a place to socialize a few times a week, regularly, I might even find a woman friend, or several.  No more than that, but that would be enough at this point, for me.  Who really knows.

Anyway, I have... after accidentally sorting my pillows, further sorted my sleeping arrangements.  First, I really have to reset blankets pretty much every night.  I am a bull in blankets, and when I roll, the whole bedding system and it's parts go up in the air.  When I kick, things move.  I can sleep one, maybe two, days warm.  Then there are too many holes and draft openings and bare areas.  So, to that end, even if I can't make it in the morning, I can at least tear it down.  Pull all the blankets apart, set them into little piles, so that the only way to sleep warmly is to relayer them.  If it's a decent morning, and they are still together and such, I will just pull them back over.

More, just a bit of layering.  First, two pair of underwear.  Why that works I have no idea.  But I love being a bit warm.  That does it.  Not a tighty whitey briefs, not a standard boxer, a mix... boxer briefs.  A bit longer.  And I keep two sizes, because of occasional water retention bloat.  Perfect.  Or a few other options.  As well, a night shirt of some sort.  Usually not pajama pants, those are house wear, like slacks or jeans, but just for home... usually.  Then, a long pair of my wool socks.  Oh, as well?  Putting my hair up, then into a winter cap, and life is perfect.  It is more a matter of keeping up on the stuff.  Though going without one aspect, or another, for a night or two, is doable.  Especially if I keep my sleeping system in order.  Last night was the first time I incorporated the whole system, save the cap.  But it has been in the works for a while.  A year?  Seems strange, but, yes, sort of.  Started with a dream, but I didn't remember all of it.

Down very late, 01:34, give or take up to twenty minutes.  Up at about 07:30, give or take twenty minutes.  The dryer was reset.  And I guess I hadn't set up a second load, but that has been done and let go.  Plus another load has been arranged.  Perhaps one load after that.  At some point, a shower.  And, then, hopefully, finally, back to dishes.  I have a good lot of them done, but I got stopped about half way through.

Chores, sometime, early.  Though I think I need to refresh waterers.  I didn't get to that last night.  Litter too, has to be gotten.  And, later, I am hoping, finally to boxes.  I am slowly breaking through, getting to things, in some sort of priority that both makes sense, and sometimes doesn't.  A chaotic start back to trying to get things done.

Medicines taken this morning.  Now I need to hit breakfast and insulin.  Tea?  Maybe.  The green tea is okay.  A bit flat?  Mild?  Something.  So I may have the darker tea in the morning, and the green tea more as an afternoon thing, when I have either.  Nothing great, or terrible, just... adjusting things to where I think they work best.

Life is... if not resuming, preparing to resume.  Prayers, and hope, in faith, with love.  It.. may seem excessive.  But when the grave is pressing you one way, pain the other, it's... what is available.  Little more, and any less is worse than fatal.  You probably know that as is.  You just hide from it while you continue in sin?  Most do, until they don't or can't.  There by the grace of God, in any case, go I.  Amen.

Not one more thing.

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I best get medicine in, perhaps feed the girls one last... something... probably just a few treats as they have eaten enough today.  I have done my best for them.  Oh, but I did start laundry, since I realized no shower would go forward.  I will put that load in the dryer, and maybe put another load in... won't start that until the morning.  I just don't really prefer loads to run while I am asleep.  It's probably safe, probably.  I just don't trust appliances.  A bit... old fashioned.  Ancient fashioned?  If so, more every day.

I have been pushing, in my mind, to do more.  There just wasn't a way.  I am tired, and have a small headache, a new one as the one from the blood sugar crash subsided, for my efforts.  Still, I don't mind the pain of effort, even if the fruit is naught.  It means... there really was effort made, visible or not.

Well, I did get one of the pee jugs capped, and back upstairs... while seeking something or other.  Dirty laundry?  Maybe.  Anyway... on to medicines and bed.  Oh, best remember insulin.  Goodnight, God's blessing as I am able to send it, and a good sleep as you may.

Slowly, bits, nearing bedtime.

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Chores.  I was really hoping for those.  And water in to redo waterers.  Laundry was set up, but I still haven't gotten into the shower.  Ugh.  Cats have  been fed, but their litter really needs work.  I did get the jugs emptied and set to dry.  And I had a meal, delivered by a friend.

Little bits and pieces.

Now?  I don't know.  Time is flying by.  Still, I would like to get the girls' litter managed, get a shower, and... probably waterers.  And, then, maybe, if I think I'll be awake long enough to put laundry into the dryer, maybe set a load to wash.  That won't be a lot, but it will be something.  Even if I can't get laundry going, if I can get those other things going, that will be good, with the rest of the day.  Especially after the blood sugar crash, or near crash.

I'm... trying to keep up, but I'm not.  At all.  Still, doing some things today means getting to new and more things tomorrow, or next time I can work.  I haven't been crashing, quickly or harshly, while working.  But I am a bit out of shape so work is more difficult.  I can stand, and walk around, for about an half hour at a time.  Not bad, considering a few days ago, sitting was about what I could manage, or five minutes on my feet.

I'll keep at it, as I am able.  Christmas lights, this year.  The trick for metal roofs, without screws or else in metal or wood?  Glue gun.  Which... I happen to have.  Wasn't sure, it is old.  The gun should be fine, wasn't sure about the glue sticks.  Looked it all over, it all looks good.  Having it done.  I'm... a bit past doing it myself.  Though, perhaps, if the system is down, maybe next year.  I'm just in bad shape.  Then again, honestly, I'm usually in bad shape.  I keep thinking I am getting better, then either health fails, I fall off... then restart medicine, or all.  Bleh.  But this round... could be right.  My numbers are actually within the "good" circle.  Not sure that will help, I've not been here, on medicines I could handle this well anyway, to this point.  Maybe.  But... what health hasn't eroded, age may well have.  Still, there is hope.

Hmm?  Eyes are getting slightly better still.  I think another shower might help.  Eyes really are a bit... dusty.  If that probably isn't all.  Ugh.  Well... on to a litter, then a shower?  Yes.  Later.  Or goodnight, in case I don't get back. 

Couldn't sleep.

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Fine.  Doing... better.  The crash seems to have smoothed out.  Crazy, I was going down so fast I really wondered if I would be able to just sit.  Headache, for my failure... but a relatively mild one.  Or, just a normal strong headache, not a migraine.  A bit of light sensitivity, and sound sensitivity, but only on the... left side of my head.  Odd but true.  Now worries, I've had this before.  Sometimes my left and right side seem more connected, sometimes they seem completely separate.  This time they are separated.

Since I am awake, I am trying to sort through things.  Chores, shortly.  Right after this.  If I can, after that, I will drain the bleach water from the pee jugs and set them to drain into the tub until dry.  Though I want a shower, so may need to move them before long.  Just resetting them after.  If they don't dry fast enough, will have to take one up as is.  But will last for days, so the others will get to dry out.

Ugh... that glucose drop really hurt.  But I think I can get a few things going.  Hmm... may get a load of laundry set up.  Not sure I will start it, but could get it loaded.  And, maybe, set up a second load for when that finishes.  Just... a preset, so if I can, I will, after the shower.  There is plenty of hot water, it's more the runtime of the low-water use washer... it might interfere with taking a shower at any given time.  Tricks and understandings of the mechanical and other limitations of homeowning.  Lots of tricks and limitations and truths which people just don't know... until they know.  Especially if they have lived as bachelors, and renters, for much of their lives.  A whole different ball of wax that even ten years of homeownership hasn't completely cleared.

Intention versus reality.

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As the morning moved into the afternoon, my mind kept focusing on tasks.  I was sure I would be getting to some of it.  I still think I will.  Just not as quickly as anticipated.  I was just at noon, and about to begin, when things started falling apart.  I have to guess it was blood sugar, dropping... spiking more like... in the negative.

Not sure I got it, but have tried.  A meal, the one roughly planned save no tea.  Couldn't stand well.  Milk instead.  Trying to stay away from milk, raw... need to get kefir going, really need to.  Still, for now, it is what I had.  And I had to eat and drink something.

Giving it some time.  Feeling a bit better.  Nauseas, sleepy perhaps beyond stopping a nap, just a bit green about the gills...  So a nap may be in the immediate offing, so I don't fall.  I just want to stay awake a slight bit longer to make sure I have managed the blood sugar thing.  If so, super.  Though I may take a hard candy when I get upstairs.  Just one, five grams of carbs... or four.  And, there are more up there, in case I fail further.

Wow, that was rough.  I hate that.  Doing my best, trying my best, but the game can just be too fast, hard, quick, and off for me to get just right.  And a wipeout can be devastating.  This was a close call, if my attempts to manage it work.  Still, it leaves me sidelined for a bit.  All good, I hope.  Wow, those close shaves are powerful.

Later.

A quick update.

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Vision is clearing a bit more.  Still fairly bleary, mostly.  From time to time it clears.  And, once in a great while, I see with immaculate clarity... refining what is presented, even  in high definition, on to... something... unique.  I used to see that way most of the time.  These days it is an occasional treat.

As to the number though?  BP is 106/78 with a pulse of 78.  I am surprised I don't feel a bit off.  Further, not sure why bp is better this morning?  Then again, the last two nights, I think, I have remembered bp meds.  So, yes, maybe medicine is okay, if I remember to take it.  Gah!  As to blood sugar, that is 116 non-fasting.  Nice.  A good drop from 250 fasting first thing this morning.  Of course, now I have worry about eating.  Gotta eat.  But... what?

Oh, not right now.  Later.  The cheese and deli meat sandwiches were okay, yesterday.  Could do that again today.  Something hot to drink with it, though.  Green tea?  With cream though, this time?  Maybe.  Well, and pork rinds.  Yes, that might do well.  Dang but things have improved, at least number-wise.  Now if I could just turn that into function.  Amen.

Slower than hoped.

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A few smaller things done.  But it is taking heavy pushing to get to small bits.  Ugh.  Breakfast and insulin, vitamins and minerals, and electrolytes and some water.  Then I cleaned the pee jugs.  On the good side, it takes three to five days to fill one.  I have five.  I just... haven't been getting to things.  But, in the future, this should be a much easier task.

Why pee jugs?  Initially, because I was drinking a lot, and with the water (causes peeing, sometimes day and night), getting up to pee three to five, or more, times a night became a stretch.  So, I purchased jugs.  Initially one liter.  But... back then, I could fill that to overflowing with one pee.  So, two liter?  Right, but... that... wasn't much better.

In time, while I have some of the old ones around, somewhere, I obtained three liter jugs, five of them.  And, for most of the time I had them, I would fill at least one a night, often two.  Couldn't find larger pee jugs, or jugs I would trust to pee in.  It had to be at least three liters, pretty much leak proof, and still be light enough to carry reasonably, sometimes two to four at a time.  And with a reasonably secure lid.  Anyway...

As I said, I am down from filling one per night to filling one every three to even five days.  But I have just left, or am leaving? the death zone.  So I haven't been able to keep up.  Catching up on that today.  I rinse them two to three times, then do a bleach.  I used to only bleach every fourth or fifth time.  But now, with it sitting in there for a while, I bleach each or every other time.  They are all getting bleached, it has been a while.

I'll tell you, laugh if you will.  If you ever get near the end of your life, or near death, and you are alone... remember this.  It will... save you lots more trouble than you can probably deal with.  I may not be able to die with all my dignity.  But, on this... I... have spared some of it with simple pee jugs.  And, I don't just shiver, needing to pee, unable to get up, killing myself more painfully and harshly than I already was dying.  Laugh.  But remember pee jugs.

The timer, from breakfast, has about 0:37 of the 2:30 initially set.  Then I'll do stats.  I did a fasting blood sugar, which was high.  My two last suppers have been very high carb.  So be it.  Still, if you remember, when I restarted not too many days ago, my blood sugar was outside the range of my meter.  And, after intense insulin starts, the first readable number was 529.  I even had trouble getting down through to the high 300s, took days.  So 250 fasting might not be great, but it... is better.

I am pretty sure I can get to some of the other things.  While dealing with the jugs, I set up for a shower.  Soon, shortly.  Or... soon enough.  I was able to do the jugs without too much trouble.  Takes a lot of stooping, and is hard on the back, given weights, angles, and else.  Still, did well.  Just need a little break before getting a shower.  Then chores and waterers.  I should be able to catch up completely on waterers, as well, today.  I only have one group of waterers to go, so will have to do them all.  But I think I can.

A good night of sleep.

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Dreams, again.  Someone from Missouri, traveling to see the "stars" in Hollywood.  Not in these days, in the 50's or 60's.  As the dream ended, they were just stopping at a place to stay, in New Mexico.  A dusty place.  A bigger city, if it sure didn't look it.  Back when America thought well, or... at least didn't think of Hollywood as the enemy.

Oh, the pillow was ready.  Two clean, fresh, fluffed pillows.  What a wonderful night.  No aches, this morning.  I was warm most of the night.  The last few hours, though, I had kicked blankets off, and couldn't figure out how to get them arranged back perfectly.  So it was warm, but with cold spots.  Ugh.

I woke several times, while trying to wake up for the day.  I thought I had read, earlier, 05:55.  But... that must have been a cross-reference memory of yesterday, which is when I did wake yesterday.  For, when I finally woke and was getting out, I checked, and it was still just 05:48.  Funny how those things work.

Pill medicines have been taken.  Breakfast is brewing, or the water is heating for it anyway.  Could call that brewing, but I prefer to think of a brew as something with more than water.  At the least tea.  So, will stick with water warming, after consideration.  A shower, too, before long.  Oh.  I... really enjoy those.  

There have been times in my life where even showers weren't available.  If possible, sits type baths.  But even those weren't always possible.  Sometimes you just learned to stink, and deal with it.  Would at least try for the pits, all of them, cleaned with sand if nothing else.  I have gone long times without western conveniences.  Longer than I even now miss out.  But when I can, I do.  And I surely love showers.  Would love a bath from time to time, but those are too much fuss for me now?  Hmm... if I can get a bit more going, I may try to do a full bath a time or two a week.  Probably just a luxury.  But... I don't mind some luxury.

Wow.  No ache, no pain, warm, not hungry if I feel the actual need to eat.  Mostly awake, not more than a slight morning fog of mind.  Hmm.  Not sure I can do much yet.  The meds, or their effects, are still keeping me down.  But... I may begin crawling out of the grave I have been marinating in for a while.  Check.

Yea, breakfast, a bit of a break to let that digest.  A shower.  Resetting waterers.  Chores.  Litter and cat feeding.  Then... another break, or two in there.  Then to dishes, laundry, and some business?  Then boxes?  Getting close.  If I can get some of those done, I'll be closer to the others.  It'll be a bit of a hike, but I'll knock two or three things out, for sure.  Almost for sure.  Still learning to walk, if it least it doesn't hurt, burn, or go wonky from time to time.  Later.

Green tea.

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Finally, actual, without a doubt, green tea.  I brewed it shorter, for three minutes, and at 155 F.  Taste?  Well... there is something to it.  It will take time to catch it.  I wouldn't say floral, more of fruit.  But of the flavor that is with the carbonated water.  Just a waft of... something.  Time may clarify.

With sugar no longer being a part of my diet these flavors are usually attainable.  First, using the nose.  Then, perhaps, the tastebuds.  Currently, all I get is from the nose.  There is a sweet scent to it, but more like the flowers of fruits?  Or that idea.  I smell the fruit type scent, but as if diffused through flowers... it's blooms.  Assuming the blossoms carry the scent of the fruit vaguely?  Well, that's how I'm suggesting it.

I still want to get chores tonight.  Feeding the rabbits, getting them water.  Well, and maybe tending cat litter.  It's been an odd day.  Generally a good one.  Not much food in.  Doing my best.  A bit too much insulin.  Handled that as well as I could.  Night medicine down, save slow acting insulin.

No major pain, an easy shower, several things started and possibly ended if the pillow is done... which I think it will be.  A nap, right in there.  Really, as good of a day as I remember for further back than I can remember.  The shin sort of stings.  Beside taking a slice of skin off, it is bruised just a bit.  But patched and healing.  If I can shower again tomorrow, I will reset the bandage.

Even my dreams, if sometimes dark, have been about... healing the human condition.  Perhaps it is just my own condition, if... I don't think so.  Opportunities to choose better, reject harm, finding a way to a better life, for everybody, is being explored.  Thankfully, not only do I have no grudges, I have forgiven all who have harmed me, for my part.  And, I have sought resolution for my sins against others and God.  Now, I can't guarantee those will go through, even should I never sin again.  But I can pray, examine, and release those as I am possible.  But there are so many who really are holding on to what will kill them.  Odd that a sin against you can destroy you?

Well, it is about time to go on to bed.  I'll check the pillow.  I am almost certain it is ready.  Goodnight, evening, day... whatever is your time, or place in your schedule.