Ok, I want to get there. Maybe knowing where I am at will help.

Being off the medication has allowed me to be more functional. Note, I said more functional. I've been getting up around 4:00 am, fussing about doing a few house chores and looking over the news and the blogs to try and wake up. It's now 6 hours later and here I sit still tired. I will be tired all day, but I can force my self, for the most part, to stay up 14 to 16 hours. I have enough energy, now, to do some of those tasks that just hadn't been possible on the blood pressure medication. But I am still limited, too limited.

I did purchase a swim pass, but exercise was not really helpful in the past. I was swimming regularly without good results. I finally quit because the schedule kept changing, sometimes many children where present, and the swim times were usually in the 6:00 am time frame, while occasionally being canceled without notice. I guess I'm picky. Anyway, the new swim area is more adult oriented and the is available daily, regularly, and at decent times. If nothing else, I will be in better shape while I waste away

The doctors just do not seem to know what to do. And, once I was labeled, rightly or wrongly, as a depressive, it seems difficult to receive more than sympathy and happy pills as their offerings. I'm not "unhappy" if frustrated, and those medications did not work, so I am assuming that is not the problem. What in the world could cause such exhaustion and for such a long stretch of time? At least my vital signs show oddities, spikes and drops unrelated to any real causations. I have even been diagnosed with severe type II diabetes, for a while. I had a count of over 500 for a month, and with a fasting blood test the average had been 350 for the previous three months. My average is now one 112 with occasional fasting spikes of up to 200, without any medication including the insulin shots which I unceremoniously stopped taking due to drops into the 60’s range. Pulse seems to jump, randomly it seems, to as high as one 125 resting, though averages around 92 to 95. And my blood pressure, though in the 170’s/110’s range, can dip precipitously while the medication seem to have only little effect. Interesting, but nothing seems to fit a diagnosis that I can find. I do my own homework, with my limited knowledge.

Anyway, I tried to get to church yesterday but the buses were running irregularly or the weather was slowing them down so that I did not catch one in a timely manner. I am going to have to figure that out because either their pamphlets are wrong or yesterday and a few other days were just off for them. I did make it to a church related group last night and really enjoyed the company. It will be a weekly thing, and I have a ride set up now. For some reason, I could not get a cab last evening, in spite of trying for over an hour in advance of my hoped 7:00 pm departure time. I really have to get a winter vehicle. Ah, but my savings. Choices, conundrums, and folly, maybe I should just hand the man my wallet and shut up? Ha Ah well, it all works with a little patience and considered thought. I will not be making it to church this day, I just can not do it.

I guess what I am left with is not answers, but questions. What I do with the lack of answers and, often, viable solutions, might well mark whether I have character or not. Thankfully, that will be for another to decide, but it is my task to make that decision easier. So I propose today, tomorrow, and which ever day I am able, I will just get up, do what I can of that which is left to me to do, and keep pushing. I will either push through to function or just push until it is my time to, hopefully, graduate to a place of maturity where my efforts will be truly fruitful. I still have much to be thankful for, and I am, right here and now. I have a place to call home, some friends who dare to disagree and tell me the truth, food to not only eat but also to enjoy, things to tinker with in my play pen, and faith, hope, and charity which I have received and earnestly try to fulfill. Not bad, in the long and short of things.