I fell down, again.

Yesterday, in class, we had a quiz. I had studied. I was prepared. But I could not seem to uncross my eyes, focus, and do the work. I have mastered the material, so it was not that. I simply could not force (or coax or cajole) myself to function. As such, I could not see to answer part of the first problem and then could not tell what I was to do or if I was doing things correctly on the rest of the quiz. This is very disconcerting. I have been taking my meds (and I even drank a bucket of coffee) trying to gear up. I usually will not drink coffee (or that much for sure), but I could tell I was seriously flagging early on the morning before the quiz. After the quiz, we went over a bit of new material that is not reiterated old stuff. Honestly, it was easy material, but again, my mind could not be brought to bear on the topics at hand. In study last night, I could not solve my name! Yet, I struggled on, tried to follow my study partner’s work, used a calculator to check some basic ideas, and struggled through a few problems that way.

I am still in the intellectual dumpster. However, I was able to go over the first new group of techniques and work them out. I still have another group to cover, and I really have not mastered what I have covered. I am making many errors (minor math and algebra errors, mostly, but not limited therein). At least I can manually, without the calculator usually, find my difficulty(ies). It is still comparable to doing sprints with legs that have fallen asleep. As well, after 3 to 4 hours of study, I am needing a nap! I slept well and long last night, but I was exhausted this morning and remain so.

The weather, here, has been dark. It isn’t so much just cloudy as wintery. The threat is almost of snow or freezing rain. The sun is not out, and even should it happen to come out, it is not capable of dowsing me in happy radiation at this time of year. I suspect this is a larger part of the thing. I have decided to try a sun-lamp this year. I think now might be the time to do so since medicine and coffee aren’t touching it.

On the bright side, I have been doing what I can to get going with physics. I have ordered a load of books. I should have at least 8-10,000 problems, split across the various topics of undergraduate physics, with instruction and commentary, and divided again in levels from pre-calculus physics to engineering calculus based physics II. I stayed away from “educational books” and stuck with books that work. I have two college physics books, expensive and well worth their educational weight in saw-dust. *sigh* Hey, at least I do not have a girlfriend to hate me for the “wasted” time, “wasted money”, or anything.

I am going to trying something new this year. I ordered a half lamb (it will not be a pet;). I have really enjoyed fixing or ordering lamb meals in the last few years, but it has been an occasional item. If this works, I may be able to have it a bit more often and just begin ordering half of a not-to-be-pet lamb a year. I went with heart, leg roasts, other roast, chops, stew meat, and some ground meat. I’ll have to let you know how that works out. But this and the first shipment of physics books (arriving today, if the tracking system is correct) are keeping me from becoming too glum in spite of having fallen down again. And, I have some hope that I may be able to recover in time for the next test, in a week and a day. I guess it is good to know that there really is not a lot I can do about my condition. When I am not only moving forward but following the doctors orders and wholly trying and I still fall hard, I understand more fully my actual situation. It just reaffirms that it is not up to me, which if freeing is frustrating. And, it's more challenging! Ok, some challenges stink. This is one of them. But I am trying to be positive here.