I was too tired to really appreciate being home yesterday. Still, I moved around and sorted things a bit, back in my own fishbowl. I left the laundry near the front door near the washer and dryer (all clothes which were taken since my mother smokes), I did get everything in from the car (save the fishing rods and tackle box, which will be staying out in the garage), I made a couple of sandwiches through the evening, beef and cheese first, then a peanut butter and low sugar strawberry preserve sandwich as the hours became larger numbered. And, I checked email, posted on my blog, visited a few blogs leaving comments where I seemed destined to drop a line, then, slowly, I retreated from exhaustion first into my chair, moving less and less. Then into my mind, thinking about fewer certainties, possibilities, and hopes. Finally, I retreated to my great solace, sleeping before I really knew that I had had to retreat that far. What a pleasant sleep it was.
I went to bed around 1:30-ish. The numbers just were not sticking in my mind by that time, but I am almost certain it was past 1:15 but not yet 1:45. I had, earlier, set my alarms for 7:30 and 8:15 or so, hoping I would begin to regulate my days again right off the bat here at home. Such was not the case, I did not arise until a bit past 11:00. My mother seems to prefer mornings to herself, and I do not have an alarm clock there (nor would I take one and interrupt her schedule or sleep). So, my days ran a more natural course there, one in which I rise in the late morning and then rest again later in the night or early in the morning. This would be fine, should I surrender to permanent retirement. I just have not, after twenty years, quite given up. Odd, really. I think most would have curled up and found some bottle, painkiller, or something to fill their time until death in some great satisfaction at having cheated their way to oblivion. I suppose dragons just cannot do that. And, I suppose, I am a dragon, if an ill one.
What to do! I have many plans, some will be successful, some will be partially completed, and others will go nowhere. It is the way, both a blessing and a curse, that detailed certainty above. Every goal done would leave no time for live, yet every attempt ending in failure would be disastrous for one’s will and hope, and only partial failure and success would leave life dull and uncertain, weak and unfulfilling. A splendid success (my calculus III course), a devastating failure (my last course), and the middling continuation of my academic aspirations all lend to a more balanced enjoyment of life. Fubar! I want it all. I do not concede in kindness, modesty, or civility, only in truth. I wish to win every time, every way, and handily. Just in case you wondered.
Well, I have cleaned the place just a bit today. I will clean a bit more, later. I am hoping that by the time the cleaning lady returns, her chores will look more practical and doable. Perhaps she will see some hope and this will drive her to do more. After seeing the worst, watching improvement, seeing a segment that she can do, and have it pull others into the work sharing, life must feel good. I hope that those who work with me, doctor, nurse, or house cleaner, walk away saying, “You know, I think I improved his lot enough that he grew to help me help him”. If that is all one has, at times, it can be enough.
It has been so long since I wrote. I feel the need to write again. I am trying to stay just a bit ahead of any lethargy that might exist as I return home. Oh, I really need to begin planning for my visit to the western states. I need to contact the X-terra group, contact the white-water yahoos, and make sure my friend will be in town when I head out to Las Vegas. Oh, I had best contact my doctor as well, and let the crew there know the score. Perhaps they will decide to jump-start a new regimen in order to reduce the blood sugars and increase energy levels just a tad bit. I do think they are trusting me more and more, especially as I attend to their wishes, abide their regimens better (as I can), and continue to work with them. The reverse is true, I suppose I have some belief in the medical field again. They earned it, I think I have, but it is an on-going reevaluation, as it should be? Yes, I think so.
Hey, lovely ladies and kind gents! Have a good day. I hope you prep something fun for the weekend and still find a way to successfully fill the rest of your week. Remember, work is NOT work, it is what you do that makes you valuable to someone (many someones), even if he, she, they, and especially you do not always realize it. As for me… I am work. :p
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