I just cannot keep things going.

I was awake late last night finishing all but a few of the remaining dishes (a pot and a utensil had been overlooked) and finalizing the kitchen to within a reasonable standard. I went to bed, setting my alarms. I heard them, and turned the first off, while resetting the second one. I either did not hear the second (reset) alarm go off, or I reset it incorrectly. Thankfully, I heard the doorbell, and was up and out of bed, dressed and at the door, quickly enough so that there was no incident. We did get to the area I had hoped to have dug into last week. It is much neater, the old and unwanted papers, magazines, and catalogues have been tossed or shredded and the necessary material has been collected and will be sorted shortly. Work was easier this time, but it was just as necessary.

After she exited my abode, the home health assistant that is, I realized I was still quite tired. I struggled to stay awake as long as possible, hoping to get my work-out completed before then reconsidering a nap. I just could not make the cut. After a goodly but, in finality, futile effort, I ended up napping. I would guess I napped for several hours. My landlord knocked on the door and introduced me to my new neighbor. She seems to be a younger woman, perhaps in her early to mid twenties. She has a daughter in third grade, and a baby on the way. What other particulars she posses and which surround her, I do not know. She seems like a decent enough person. I will just have to see how this all works out. At least I do not feel she is a threat, I only hope any love interests of hers are as feasible regarding civility.

I wanted to go back to bed, but I refused. I stayed up, just tinkering for a bit. I ate a bowl of cold cereal, and contemplated my day. I had wanted to go bowling, but that just is not in the cards. I received some email back, some of which is being considered, some of which is a negative which will have to be handled in it’s own way. I just stumbled through a few more hours of barely hanging on to consciousness. I knew that if I did not push, and hard, I would not get to my workout today. So, push I did. I first found some clean workout wear, dressed, found my timer (for my rests) and placed it appropriately, then I warmed up with a few very light exercises. I got in and did it, though it took me nearly a full 45 minutes this time. I can push it, and have it done in less than 30 minutes, but that does not feel right. Though a full 45 minutes indicates I was dogging it, too. Given the deal, I was happy to get the lifting done, so I really will not complain.

I am not sure what this evening will bring. However, I am hoping to watch a movie or two, take back some movies, fix some dinner, buy some groceries, and do some final cleaning. Either that, or just take another nap. I am so very tired. Perhaps I will split the difference, take the movies back, grab some salad makings, and just tinker. Yeah, I think so. If nothing else, it will get me out of the house, even if it for nothing more than groceries. I do have tomorrow evening to look forward too, my neighbor has asked me to go fishing. I am not sure if he and his family are to go, which parts of it, or if it’s an adult fishing expedition. I am happy in any case. When the kids throw rocks in the water, it is a short lived attention getting thing, and I remember the days when I did the same thing. I would also like to do something else tomorrow. Perhaps I can go bowling earlier in the day.

Why am I trying to push? Well, I suppose having two to three weeks on the road looking me in the face is leading me to push a bit. That is, indeed, the short term specter. The long term ghost that haunts me is my long past of inability and exhaustion. I really need to push past this. Even with Ritalin, I am barely able to walk some days (though, in comparison to my past, I AM able to get out of bed now). The psychotropics never did work, so I lost faith in the initial diagnosis (plural, the diagnosis flipped like doctor pathogen fashions or something). I guess, only in working with a single doctor over a long period of time has a reasonable diagnosis been proffered, and treated. If the treatment is not perfect, it is a better fit than what I have had to date. As well, some syndromes are not well indicated for treatment. Perhaps this is as good as it gets. But wait, let me push, and with the bit the medicine is helping, as I do get fit, let me re-evaluate. Perhaps I am too hopeful, perhaps my faith is ill advised, perhaps I am a fool. I tell you this, I would rather live with hope than give up and die. As I have said, even if I ultimately fail, how can I lose by continuing on?

Oh, thinly sliced roast beef, heated then having slices of cheddar cheese melted on top, set in a kaiser bun, with a bowl of buttered vegetables, a glass of milk, and who knows what (freshly brewed, then iced, ginger peach tea is what!), I believe, sounds like supper to me. I am so hungry! See ya.