I made it to Church!

Yes, a small thing. To be sure, many people make it regularly. Some make it every Sunday, at the same time, in the same place they sat the week before. I do not work this way. Some say certain people are like clockwork, one could literally set their watch by said persons activities. Others (though perhaps some of those who talk about setting there clock according to those unnamed clockwork type people too, I am never sure) suggest that even a broken watch is correct at least twice a day. It seems to date, since I became disabled in any case, I exhibit the worst of both those sayings. Not only would you become schizophrenic if you attempted to set you clock by my actions, I am a counter point to the belief that a broken watch is correct precisely twice a day. Though I have an actual schedule currently, it only involves the fact that I arise before 11:00 usually (though most commonly before 8:00) and that I go to bed before 3:00 usually. When I eat, brush my teeth, take my medicine, shower, or anything else is dependent upon when I rise, whether I have an appointment or other reason to leave the house, with several few other variables which might play a part and that is not regular (though I am working on it, and actually still trying to get up earlier, which has been a bust to date). Further, I am not right twice a day, regularly. I might be correct all day, or not at all and then not correct again for a week or more. Or, so it seems to me.

There is, actually, a point to all of this. The point being… I forgot.

Teasing, there is a point. When I have something scheduled, it seems to be a major complication to reschedule. Often times, the simple change in an appointment by 1 hour, day, or a week has caused me to miss the thing. And, mornings are the most difficult for me to negotiate or re-negotiate. True, as life is moving toward a more mainstream sort of existence, I am becoming more flexible, dynamic, and resolute. Changes to staid or irregular practices or appointments are not so much of a threat, they do not cause as much fear, and I seem to be overcoming them one at a time until perhaps I will not see them in the same light as before. Still, for today, changes are somewhat difficult, if only through fear and a personal distrust in myself due to accumulated history. I can literally sweat in fear when pondering having to relocate something in my mind, then prepare for it, then carry through with a change. Changing how I feel or see things is as much of a difficulty as getting off my butt and moving, going, doing, calling, and being there for my own needs and those of my friends and family.

I suppose I am saying that I am quite pleased with my little success. I have decided to make celebrating the Sabbath a high priority, and I was able to maintain that. I was late getting to church yesterday, so I had to go today (since I will not enter late). I did not make the 8:00 service, I was not ready for the 9:30 service, but I did make the 11:00 service and I was there in time to have a half hour walk while still finding seating with 15 minutes to spare. Beyond being satisfied at my defeat of fears and at having conquered my history in one battle while adding one more win toward the reordering of my memory and self-trust, I also felt pleased to be in Church, celebrating my Lord, and joining with others who were doing likewise. I did not see a single person I know, save the Priest. And, I probably do not like any one there (laugh here). It was good.

Oh, my lady friend called this morning. I must have been preparing for church as I did not hear the phone. She left a message asking for several things. She indicated she made purchase of bok choy or baby bok choy and some of her organic bacon. She was wondering if I might be interested in adding some of my vegetables and then cooking the items for this evening's supper. If that would be satisfactory, she asked that I call her back. So, I called and left a message indicating that I was amenable to the proposal. Now, I have not been visited by the home health assistants in two weeks, and it is starting to look like it. I do try, but I might as well try and bench press the sun or something. Some men cannot dance (and have the gall to sing about it), some men cannot jump (and are foolish enough to be in a show about it), and other men cannot spell or think (so they play sports if they are the lucky few among their own). For my part, I can neither clean nor keep physical order in my spaces or ways, no matter how satisfied that order makes me when I am near it, surrounded by it, blessed by it.

So, I spent the last half of a day prepping the area, doing dishes, ordering things with what time I have, and doing laundry on the side. Well, the kitchen (let alone the rest of the house) will not be as I would wish it by the time she arrives, but she has seen it in far worse shape and recently. Perhaps I could get her to help a little for the final few steps, or at least have her prepare the table a bit more. I had best get back to it.