Yes, something is really wrong.

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After cutting my medicines back to what does not cause me exhaustion, I can tell the medicine has been changed. I am not sure how much they have been cutting or how long they have been doing it. I do know it will stop or I will quit their system. I may need to find another medical provider. I have social security, supposedly part A and B, and as a student, I might have access to that system. However, both are socialized forms, and tied with the U of I. Hospitals and Clinics (where most V.A. doctors research). I think they might even act like doctors in the various places as well. You can see the problem, perhaps. My mother is coming for a visit soon. I am going to ask her to go in with me when I begin breaking heads. I would love to end a few careers, but doctors are too well protected, especially in the socialized side of things.

It will take a few days, at least, to get the blood pressure medicines out of my system. So, I will be pretty lackluster until that happens. And, though I am taking the methylphenidate, I believe it is of a greatly reduced efficacy, if it is not sugar pills whole cloth, so I will receive no boost there. Frustrated would be a nice word for these events. And, I will keep it there. Understand, if I could punish this doctor, five minutes alone with him would see the thing done. He would never malpractice medicine again, either, though he would live, and know fear. I would complete his indoctrination.

I have been writing about politics, both here and at other people’s blogs. I suppose one might say I am cynical. And more, perhaps that I am a bitter pill due to boredom or disability. Oh, and some could say worse. But the truth is, I do not mind things, to an extent, within reason. I simply see what I see and say what I see. I am frustrated with being lied to, not so frustrated with the truth of things, that might be true as well. I understand we do not live in a properly function world, where perfection is a reality. I am far too tired to get excited about something I can do nothing about. It is difficult to become animated about living in a pop-culture society with a collective two second memory, little education, few social, moral, or ethical constraints, or the reality that I can almost sometimes be a part of that yet just not quite (anymore, at the very least). I think, should I be angry, it would be at the fact that I cannot be a part of that. While all the little nihilists of Satan run and play and kill, I am stuck here knowing they are wrong, so not fitting in, and not joining in all their games. Well, that might be a little harsh, or not. Most are going to Hell, and enjoying it. No, I suppose I do not even believe they are enjoying it, they are only convincing themselves that they are having fun. Drinking until they vomit, what a joy! Doing drugs until the wee hours of the mind, then overdosing to end the pain, how fun! Having sex with this and that partner, this and that way, until they find things on them or get too old so that they can never have children and their life has become much shortened, living only to give it back in revenge or to try and hook a mate anyway, what a great life! Yeah, I think I can skip that. And, perhaps it is not so bad to sit some things out, even when it might not seem true. The children playing Lord of the Flies only look like they are having fun.

The good side is, in spite of all my woes, doubts, disturbing understandings, and other difficulties, I do enjoy the crosses I bear and the real joys I do know. I pick up the crosses and as often as I can I have a smile on my face and a kind word to share in the process. I love having people to love, even as I worry about them body and soul. I enjoy realizing I am wrong, because it means I know right from wrong and I have another chance to try to do the right thing. I even enjoy that I sin, it means beyond right and wrong, I know even more and I have a Man to give it to and know where to find him. Though it means my penalty for such is greater, it means I know my limitations, and accept them, on my knees. Crippled, saddled with hostile and dishonest doctors, trying to work through an engineering degree, with only a foot on Earth with the other in the grave and on the way to heaven, I can honestly say, it is good. My faith allows that.

As I have tried to indicate, I am not a bitter, angry, destroyed man. But, what I see is not good and I do not bandy words with wit-losses, saters, or evildoers of any sort, let alone their drones. I do not lend footing through fairness and balance to notions which have not goodness too them. I do not negotiate right and wrong so that fools and malcontents may continue to live like animals without having their feelings hurt. I do not suffer the words and deeds of fools, and it shows. On the other hand, I suffer fools within that constraint, for I must. Even when I am alone, I am with one. Further, who but the greatest fool wishes to be alone? Bother, I am not even truly grumpy, if a little distant at times. Just in case you ever wondered. Now scoot.