I can be a foolish man.

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My body seems to be in better order than to this point. A week of illness, a bit of drunkenness, and a really cold house, have left me behind some eightballs. It would be really easy to just call it all off, toss out the baby with the bathwater, and head for the nearest hiking trail and keep going. That is not how I work. So, I have made some phone calls, sent a few emails, and continue to work through the difficulties. Failure is an option, quitting is not. An apology was given for some very unwise and unkind words. That is all I can do there, though in the future I should rethink some things. The truth is though that I will be foolish until I rest in final peace, and knowing me, I may find means of being foolish then! I called my landlord and we arranged a time to get the furnace fixed. I was contacted by the V.A. and we have finally made arrangements to deal with the new doctor, medicines, lab needs, and records. And I have started studying again, finally able to do so.

My lady friend came by yesterday. I was still too ill, really, to study. So, she did her laundry, had some food, and watched several movies. She is a big fan of the Lord of the Rings series, so we watched the first two. Thankfully, she came over a little after 14:00. I had just awaken and was still sore from the food the day before. My head was still swimming from the drink, along with a headache. Those seem to be different but slightly related. I had not consumed that much alcohol, however, I have been abstaining almost completely since my life took a dip and as I have been trying to dig my way out. I suppose I became an extreme lightweight, more than ever before that I can remember. Still, I did have a little feast day and enjoyed, I suppose there is sometimes a price for such. She picked up the leg of lamb, which she wished to cook at the cost of splitting. She will be bringing it by tomorrow morning.

What does a man do with his unwise nature? Can he ever leave it behind for good? Why is it such a powerful thing? In any case, I have learned that it exists and that it always will. Given a choice between this and that, 99.999 percent of the time I will pick what is correct in truth (ok, the number is artificially high and ignorance also plays a role, but this is an example). That 0.001 percent of the time, however, I really mess up. I toss grenades at friends, kick my favorite dog for no reason, or kiss the wrong girl. Well, if those are exaggerations the point is made. What, then, am I to do? Some things cannot be corrected. Words written or spoken, deeds done, or other guilt inspiring actions or thoughts cannot be forgotten even if no one else (save God) knows. What I must do is apologize, offer material repair where necessary, and spend some real time considering my sins. Beyond, from my faith, there is a method of giving these up while seeking ultimate forgiveness. Even if all goes well, however, I am left with the simple fact that I am flawed.

I suppose you were hoping for a better answer or a Hollywood ending. I feel that if I wrote such a thing that I would be leading you astray. Believing in ourselves beyond our means of fulfilling that belief leads to real hard times. Belief in any man leads to disaster, the more people involved and the greater the belief of those people, the greater the destruction. Anything else is a Hollywood ending. Look to Hollywood, the stars and starlettes, rock stars, and studio executives to see the truth of that way of thinking. If that is how you wish to lead your life, as so many do, then I suppose that is the way to go. For me I think I will just try to remain humble. As much as that hurts, there are advantages. I hope you can find those advantages and the pleasure of living true… fools. :p