Goodness and such…

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Today went better than many before it. I was able to wake early, look over my homework and do a last problem. I have set physics to be studied. As well, I found a source of the notes I have missed. I offered $20 dollars plus copy costs. My cash offer was rebuffed but the task was accepted! I will have to think of a proper thank you gift anyway. What to give a college aged pretty woman? Flowers are out, perfume is out, hmmm, maybe… I do not know. I will be thinking. As well, I had everything in order to hand in to my professor for the extra work he had allowed. I am pleased that I am doing what I can in spite of the haunting exhaustion and doubts. Whatever else may happen, I will have done my part as well as I am able, sometimes creatively, and perhaps I have even gone a bit beyond what might have seemed to be the limits of my capacity.

I have not spoken with my landlord yet. I am nervous about that. I have made some social plans, and hope to make another before the week is out. I have also decided to visit my mother for Christmas and let her know I will be there. She seems to really want me there. I am not sure why, precisely, though I hope it satisfies her needs and wants. I worry when she becomes like this. I wonder if her health is bad and she is not telling me, avoiding upsetting me during finals. Perhaps she just goes through fears without certainty as well. Maybe she just believes time, for one of us, is nearing an end. Women have their ways, if they can be wrong like the rest of us.

I have begun making purchases to avoid any new “laws” regarding certain items. I received my first package today. I will be placing a call tomorrow regarding my next purchase. I am waiting on a bit of paperwork for the next two or three purchases. I am hoping to have some fine equipment by January. After that, I will finish up with a few accessories, consumables, and side equipment. After that, I will try to buy a few more pieces which should still be available, and some other outdoor items, like a few fly fishing poles and fly tying devices (one for home, one for the field), and I will begin gathering a few more climbing devices, a tent or two, and such things. I think I can do this and still save money, if I can move. If not, I will definitely buy what will not be legal in time, and just hold off on the rest for a bit.

Some of the equipment I will be getting might allow me to make a few dollars from time to time though too. The goal is $10,000 dollars, for cremation and any other final expenses. Like I said, I might live a long time. I just do not think that is the case though. If I find purpose in my new hobbies, the outdoors, and the rest of life, perhaps that will help. I am nearly geared up, I certainly have an interest, I am just unsure if I will be able to stay awake and keep focused. Death has always been a part of my adult life. I have lived a little bit more than dangerously. I have gone over the edge well and good several times. But this is different. This is my own body failing. It seems so strange to actually think I might get to die in my sleep, or naturally at least.

I just received my blood test results along with a letter from my doctor. There were a few anomalies, the oddest is that I have a borderline low sodium situation. In spite of what I say to my doctors, I eat lots of salt. I prefer kosher salt, and lots of it. Though I do not cook with it, I do add it liberally to all I eat. I even add it to my beer (which, like the port, does not increase my blood sugar, at least 4 of them do not). Chloride is a little low as well. Who knows what that means. I will have to write him a letter and let him know I am giving up on medicine. I cannot trust some services and I cannot afford what I can trust. Is that not always the case? Ha!