I really cannot understand.

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My exhaustion is something I cannot understand. If someone had told me about this before I suffered from it, I would have thought they were fibbing, or out and out making it up. This and I am only moderately exhausted in my range, at this point. Though I am able to do very little, I can stay up most of the day with a 2 hour nap thrown in. At the illnesses worst, I feel like I am in a device that combines sleep with a drying machine. I cannot track days, people, ideas, at times I do not even know my own name, literally. There are other significant symptoms, most doctors are simply not interested or are baffled, and see no links between them.

Anti-depressants do not work, nor have any of the medicines they have tried. Therapy for this has not worked. Nor did therapy work with my previously suicidal traits, in part because a significant aspect of that was due to a conscious decision and involved logic, as I have suggested. I am sure it is a physical problem, and now I have some evidence. I cannot afford a solid diagnostician, and, with a "medical" history as is, I suspect they would maintain the status quo rather than really look. I could go to the V.A., and if I have something easily diagnosed and treated, I will go there. But for deeper diagnostics, I think they fail.

This is so frustrating. And though I experienced medicine that was working, when it was pulled away, I did seek it out on my own nickel. I could not recreate the medical effect, so perhaps the medicine had stopped working anyway, or was fading, or I needed a very specific chemical reaction. I would bet a thousand dollars that if I were 20, and could keep completely away from psychiatry and psychology, I would be able to find a doctor and a treatment. I think I have already been set aside. Once you get a psychiatric diagnosis (in spite of depression and a few other things like it being a huge and normal response to other real illnesses) you cannot get away from it.

If you have a child, brother, sister, very good friend, or parent, keep psychiatrists and psychologists out of their treatment and diagnosis process. If doctors know nothing, most of these know less. Generally, they are only even allowed to obtain a degree if they are “liberal”, which is proof their ability to think logically is flawed. Beyond that, I would guess their diagnosis and treatment of conservatives is further flawed, perhaps consciously, perhaps not.

In any case, I have what I have and I am what I am. Further, I am not sure I could escape the way things have been for the last 20 years in any case. Getting up every day, at a certain time, and then going out and working for 8 to 12 hours, figuring out how to eat before, during, and after, tending house hold chores, shopping, and such, and for no more than I am making now. I worked very hard toward that goal, and even on the meds which worked, it was difficult (if I then and now believed that another year and a half and I might have broken through, though, who really knows).

Life is so frustrating when I am this exhausted. But having a deadline makes it much worse. At least I am well taken care of, financially. I do not worry about being able to afford food, if I do go without sometimes because I cannot get out to get it. And, if I cannot sit around and figure out high level new topics, or even more mundane topics to a mastery level, I can think on a basic level, and write. And, yes, that helps. Hmm, at least I have done something today. Now to try and stay up until 22:00 or 23:00. Hey, it is as good as I can do, for now.

Have a good evening.