Pain.

.
.
Yes indeed... sort of.

Last night I could not sleep well. Initially I could not sleep at all. Though when I went to bed I still had no feeling in my finger, and to some degree a goodly part of my hand, something was happening. Those parts were about to wake up and I think I knew it. I did rest a bit. I dozed quite lightly off and on. But sleep was not going to be had. At about 1:00 it came. I could only feel some of it, but I think it was far worse than I could consciously sense. I went into physical shock. I became extremely chilled, a bit nauseous, and had some other sensations I attribute to shock, having only a few weeks back gone through it while fully awake.

I had not taken a pain killer up to that point. First, I hate medicine. Second, I wanted to get a good handle on what type of pain I would encounter and so have a better raw sense of how to handle it. There were a few other minor reasons as well but these given should suffice toward an explanation. By 1:30 I decided to take one of the tabs. I am, by instructions, allowed up to 2 of those pills every 4 hours. I did not want to fully dose in case I needed more. Having an extra step, I think, helps psychologically.

As I said, as well, I do not think I can fully sense pain. What I did feel and the sensation of slipping into shock did allow me to go ahead and do a half dose, that one pill. The bones in my hand hurt and there was pain sensation coming from various parts of my finger. Even the tourniquet area was sore. Weird, perhaps, but I know there was a lot more pain than what I could feel.

After that I slept well. I did have to cover up, bundling very tightly and layering heavily. I shook for a good 15 minutes to a half hour, then warmed enough to sleep. I would guess a few hours later I woke enough to realize I was too warm and kicked my feet out and loosened the cocoon I had created, then slept like a baby the rest of the night. Some pain is sensed this morning, though so mildly that I am not going to take aspirin. I would guess last night was it, minus a major bump or something. The swelling, is down a great deal. It is my guess that as the swelling reduced last night, the nerve became reactivated. Not only did I then become able to sense the pain from the cut and still somewhat swollen area, I also had the pain from the area "waking up", like when you have sat on a leg wrongly for too long and the pins and needles type sensation occurs as that part gets blood back.

The point of the post? I realize I do not sense pain accurately or well. I am desensitized to pain. I fear pain, have no doubt. I fear it far more than I feel it in truth. This is something I need to be aware of in order that I not stretch beyond myself into more serious injury.

I watched Fight Club just now. I had seen it before. I realize that, the movie anyway, talks about certain aspects of my life and persona. I realize I have some of the condition of the main character. I used to think I had that down fully. But watching it this time I realized... my lady friend probably knows more than she has ever said. So have all my women. But I think they understand it far less than even I do. They just have the same 'hiss' and 'screech' reaction as the main female in the show... and a similar very deep love hate relationship with me from what I am. And I have never understood that, so much, until this second viewing of the show. Interesting... to me if no one else.

Well, I'm off to get a shower, go buy some chicken and a six pack, and maybe stop over at my friend's house to check on him. I had let that last bit slide, that of checking on him, for a bit as the house became more pressing. I might have to get him into gardening a bit, just to get him out of his apartment, give him something to do of use (which I think he wants, just needs a reason and some direction), and then to offer him fresh tomatoes and such later. We can always go shooting afterward.

Have a good day.