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My days are shifting, at this point, because my "days" are stretching. I am staying up longer. It has been 48 hours since I really slept. Though I napped yesterday morning I was conscious of my surroundings at some level. I have a full day ahead of me, though even without it I am not sure I could sleep. When I am in bed I want to be up, when I am up I want to be in bed. I had high hopes for the sleep gunk. Well, okay, I did not at first. But when I took them and could feel the pull to sleep I thought the treatment would work.
That is why I cannot concentrate. That is why I am losing track of tasks, work, and business. I am simply being stretched too thin. While it is good to know, and though I am settled and trying to figure a way around it, I am not sure how much knowing what the problem is actually is helping to solve the problem, at least so far.
Something I have realized about my moments of confusion though, long as they can be at times, is that I am actually "present" in each moment. My problem comes when I try to put the moments together. Memories, like an album of pictures in order by the time they were taken, keeps everything in life ordered. What happens when the pictures are removed and scattered is what happens when I get like this. I always wondered why no one seemed to notice that I was having problems. I also wondered how I was able to be high-functioning, though that is still a bit of a mystery. How can I do calculus, physics, or have deep discussions without actually being able to remember more the a few seconds to minutes at a time? Well, that is the most recent theory about some of what is wrong. It all, I think, relates to sleep, the lack of it or the inability to stay awake, and the exhaustion that comes from it. I think.
In times like these I walk a tight-rope in life. It is not as serious as it can be and has been. Two days without sleep is chump change compared to seven days awake. Then again I am 25 years older than I was at that time, more than double my then age. And, yes, age has a way of absolutely knocking the snot out of a guy. I do feel cheated. They say time flies as you get older. It flies faster yet if you only remember 1/3 of even your waking moments. Still, it has been a good life, once I realized things are what they are and backed off a bit. Uhrm, I think? Heh.
I think I will meander the webizens, news sites, and goof. My friend will be calling in just a short bit to make sure I am awake. I want to be leaving Logan by 11:30 as well, so leaving here in 2 hours, which means a shower, grooming, and dressing by 10:30. Give or take.
Have a good day. I hope you remember it.
Sleep is underrated. It is absolutely crucial. The brain heals from trauma by REM sleep. This is why heavy sleep medications might be too much. By interfering with REM sleep, the brain is prevented from achieving true rest and recovery.
ReplyDeleteGood luck catching some Zs.
Yes, I have come to understand the need for sleep. I have heard this and that about it, know a bit about REM, but never really went all that far. What I know from experience is that without REM (or as I simply put it "good sleep") my mind begins to decay in function, which causes my body to decline as well.
ReplyDeleteI told the doctor about it. She, of course, said it was due to high blood pressure and high glucose. I told her that the problem with that theory is that I have been exhausted for 15 years longer than I have had either of those conditions. Yes but... she tried to continue... she is a woman you know. :p
My diabetes and high blood pressure would be under control if I could simply sleep right and wake right. Those things will not be corrected if I do not get sleep. I have to be able to function. That itself will solve these problems. You can always tell a doc, you just can't tell em' much. Oddly, Ritalin worked on that AND allowed me to take the blood pressure medicine, if improvement was only marginal (took me from 207/120, say, to 156/95). Ritalin, in spite of being an upper, actually helped by allowing me to "get busy" physically, which then wore me out and allowed me to sleep. It was better than anti-depressants (which plainly do not work since, essentially, I am not depressed, go figure!). As I said, you can tell a doc...