Dreams of women, thoughts on such, and celibacy.

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As difficult as the whole notion of a woman, marriage, celibacy, and holding fast on any one let alone all of those topics can be, I think I have been sticking to my choices rather well. I am no dedicated monk. Well, not the best of them to be sure. And yet I am so far beyond where I was even a year ago, and so much further into self restraint than when I began my effort. Resistance is no longer futile. And yet, as a man who is still interested in finding a mate, I do not think it is possible to become much better. Women are on my mind, and consciously. I have several women who, if I happen to see them again, I am going to consider asking to join me in doing one thing or another. One is... rather young. The other is slightly younger. Legal, of course, and easily. I am just comparing ages here. And so, women are actively being wooed, if so far only through being chosen as possibles without actually having been functionally... approached.

Of course, my plan is to not have sex until marriage. Plans can go astray, though I think my will is good on that now. I know that any woman I consider will, who accepts an opening proposal, will by merits of such, eventually become open to dalliances of various natures. Kissing, minimally. And kissing does lead to touch and touch can lead right to trouble. I was born in the dog house, and for much of my life, preferred the place. This new life I lead will be my first test in controlling that. Then again, it is not like I even put forth an effort or saw a reason for restraint in the past. Still, this is all new. My goal, as I have said, is no sex before marriage.

Dreams tonight, if I do not remember who or what, strained my self control as much as it has been strained in the last week. I am trying to capture that energy and put it into other things. I successfully rebuffed the desire this time. I am uncertain about celibacy. I do not know how difficult it is for others. I have looked for information, though it seems one either finds some academic treatise which has no real human nature application, a completely spiritual treatment of the subject, which again has no real human components, or some other writing which completely misses the point regarding how to do it, what the pitfalls are and how to sidestep them, and how truly difficult any individual finds the practice to honestly be. I do not know if nuns find this any more or less difficult than monks or priests, or really whether women and men have different pitfalls and recourses to those.

I do know that, one of the reasons I am not married probably, is my difficulty getting into that doting love stage. I do not like acting stupid as love seems to demand in so many men and women. I have seen others do it. And, I am sure that the initial infatuation does... diminish my intellectual capacity to some degree. I also know it is not to the degree I see even intelligent well educated people fall. Even married couples, when signaling readiness to copulate, often dip into 'the stupid'. I am not sure if I wish I could or am glad I do not or cannot. But there it is. I have, in the past, been rather firm and direct about need or want. That has worked well enough. I am learning from game, that a little heads up earlier in the day or even several days in advance if not physically present through phone conversations, will make the process smoother. Well, that is the theory. And, should I get to the point where that can be functionally tested, you know I will test it.

I suppose, as I resisted a very strong impulse tonight, I am writing it out of my system. I am not sure if there is any other point to this blog. I am exploring the subject, looking for responses, thoughts from others, feedback. I am, in all truth, quite clueless about the truths of life and the body and sexuality. I have, for most of my life, merely been an actor on the stage of life, taking queues and hints and scripts from whatever sources were available. I have only attempted to become the writer and playwright of my own story in the last decade or so. As such, I am quite naive, I am sure. I am ignorant no doubt. And yet, here I am, writing my story and then living it to the best of my abilities.