Whatever.

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Sleeping ten to twelve hours and staying up sixteen to eighteen hours now, makes for a weird day. It was beginning while my mother was here, but with someone to bang on the door when I didn't hear or remember the alarm I was able to limp through the last week. But that wouldn't have worked for long. I would have had to grab my sleeping bag and found a place to tuck myself away, far away. I don't get grumpy when I don't get sleep, I get ill. I honestly don't know if it's the heart, and always has been, or something else. I doubt if anyone can be sure. Medicines that treated it like depression didn't work. How many failed medicines before you realize they aren't going to work, anyway? Those idiots never gave up, I had to quit that silliness myself.

The sleep problems have been a problem since I was a child. Even grade school was torturous as I recall things. Even when my parents could force me to lie down in a dark room on a mattress, I couldn't sleep quite often. Life was nightmarish at times because I couldn't sleep enough and had to be awake for school. Not even a forced wake cycle and regular activity, including sports, really helped. That has only gotten worse in time. Either my heart has always been a bit of a problem, at times, or there is something else. I doubt if I will ever know that part of it.

While I can sleep and wake as I need, mostly, at this point, life isn't all that much improved. This type of exhaustion can't exactly be slept out. I still struggle to get up. The struggle of waking and getting to sleep varies. This day I will rise and be on my feet running right away, then sleep well. The next night I can do one or the other but not both. The next night I can't do either. It seems to come and go in periods though, say a week to a month at a time.

I do suspect it is a heart issue, the exhaustion. Medicine is adding to it now, if at lower levels it actually seems to help, at higher levels it exacerbates. All the while doctors tell me the medicine shouldn't have any effect. Then again, for whatever reason, my blood pressure is jumping. It has been 143/101 for the last two days, coming down from 163/101, and 193/173 the day before. I honestly am not sure what is up with that, either. Before my mother's visit, I had been down to 130's/80's-90's. My pulse has come back down into the lower 70's at least. But weight has been staying right at 290, plus or minus. Crazy stuff. And, yes, I've been on the higher doses again for a while, and pretty regularly minus a two missed days a week or more before my mother returned home (during which I thought I was improving, becoming easily more active).

I feel trapped in a nightmare, often. No good sleep, no good waking times, a spinning schedule or a straight-jacket of trying to be "normal". Most people can't understand, if for no other reason than they feel the same thing but are able to at least keep up and understanding my situation might jeopardize their situation. I understand that. And true, in our worst situations, we are all truly alone save for God being with us, when your whole life is a 'worst situation', it can be difficult. Prayer, and making headway when I can, that is what I have. As I have said, I am only here because that is His will. I can sympathize with Christ, quite directly, when He asked that the yoke be lifted, that this be allowed to pass from Him. What He suffered, mind you, was far in excess of anything I could suffer, it was over much more quickly. So be it though. I do pray that this be lifted, but only if it be God's will. I just hope that if it is never lifted, that God understand too why I do so little. He must know.

Well, on to... something or other. I just had to grumble somehow, somewhere. It helps, give or take, sometimes, or in some odd way at times.

Oh, by the way, I did have a snort of scotch, on the rocks, with a bit of water the other day. Just a snort. With scotch I can have one or three but plan to do so and keep to it, unlike wine, or even beer sometimes. I will have another snort this Friday, if I do three tasks I have set before myself. Carrots and all that.

Good day.