Sleep happened.

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It was a little tough getting to sleep but, after just a bit of rolling the thing took place.  Up before 11:00, again, I think.  Cats were fed first thing, though Sam just wanted out.  I am still just on the cusp of actually waking.  Slowly but surely I am arranging life to begin again.  By the time I have it arranged, it will be winter and I will have to try to figure that all out!  No, I won't just quit.  No, I won't stop trying.  And, no, I will probably never really catch up, get up, or really get going.  I will always merely stay a little to a lot behind, having a few things going to the good, the majority slipping further and further behind.  That is my lot.

At least I don't hate myself for being non-productive anymore.  I still don't like myself, or the reality.  I can't even say that I am merely lazy anymore.  Actually, just the opposite if it might not seem like it to others.  I am, literally, usually, trying.  If only on the inside.  That effort doesn't usually translate into work done.  What someone sees is a rock, just sitting there.  What they don't see is the rock sweating in it's efforts to move.  Always.  Not just move, but roll, and even roll up hills or mountains!

I am hoping a little ac will help with things, for a while, in the summer.  I hope to get to a little work, and back to Church.  Perhaps adding potassium back in was what was needed, at least once I take care of the overheating issues.  I don't know.  What I did realize though, is that until medicines kicked in I didn't even realize I was too hot.  Until medicines kicked in I was still too cold to get going.  How weird is that?  If I wanted to go without ac, and without getting to any work, all I would have to do is not take my medicine.  Taking medicine then requires ac?  Oh well.  And, I have decided, I am going to see if keeping my home much warmer this winter helps with function.  Prices be damned, if I can get another month or three of better function, or even the whole winter, I will do so.

I keep plotting, planning, and figuring.  I worry about costs so skimp, and it bites me.  But here, in my home, I get to keep experimenting and trying, without someone else in control or some arbitrary system at work like bean counters deciding when and how much heat or ac is needed.  I may even hit about a formula, before long.  Seriously.  If I can keep up the medicine, even increase it a bit.  If I can get the climate tamed at least just enough to see me to function.  If... if... if...  But it is all I have.

Oh, but life is still good.  How can it be?  Because we, once we fell to sin, chose the path of pain.  It is our lot.  But that pain eggs us on, it fits with our sinful bodies and animal life and death.  It is what is needed without perfection.  But God did not abandon us completely to our choices either.  We have hope, there is faith, and of course there is charity.  Even in my broken little life I see these things often, daily.  I touch these things, play with them, arrange them, use them, enjoy them.  I do.  Just read what I just wrote.  To paraphrase... 'life is hell, I can't do anything, haven't been able to for a while, but I think maybe "tomorrow", if I tease this and that just right...'.  Not bad, really.  Not bad.

Hey, have a great day.  And be kind to someone, maybe even someone who simply doesn't really rate it.  It may open up an avenue in them that leads them to a less mean state of existence.  Oh, you don't need to be nice to me.  I'm... good.  *laughs* But do not be gentle to those who know better and choose worse. Not even for a second. Hold The Line.



update: Holy cow, Batman! The ac, most of the books and medical supplies, are set to be delivered today already. With the 4th being tomorrow, I wasn't sure if this stuff would get stuck in transit. Every time I order a book or cd, I add some medical supplies. This time, Israeli bandages for more serious wounds and instant hot and cold packs. Nice little things to have on hand. My kit is coming together slowly, but it is coming together nicely!