A change in the personal winds?

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I'm feeling a stirring.  The doldrums might be abating, though only time will really know.  As I get better, each time I go through a down time I understand more about them.  That doesn't mean I have learned to fix them.  This time I was able to see that something is dampened, like being put under glass, or encased in plastic.  My ability, and even basic (animal?) will, is smothered.  Something simply drops out of me, like the magazine in a pistol.  Pulling the trigger at that point will lead to a failure to fire, with a few minor exceptions.  I don't believe, at this point, it has anything to do with pushing myself too hard or too fast, though that can contribute to things.  This time, if I had to guess I would say it was simply bottoming out for no good reason... well, other than that I am mostly dead.  That is real and hard and I have been doing things right through it that most can't.  I just... forget, sometimes, when it is all going my way.  Yes, yes, THIS is where I bury MY head in the sand.  We all have our blind spots.  If I think my blind spots are preferable, as I expect to do what most believe I shouldn't, perhaps couldn't, do.  My blind spots lead me to excel, even beyond the probable, and sometimes beyond the technically possible.  I can... live with that, since it won't lead to death like so many other blind spots could.

Something is coming back though.  The vitality, the impulses, the strength to a degree.  I want to... get right on things.  I am pretty sure I won't get right on things, but I am pretty sure I might get on a few things.  Those few things might lead to other things being done.  And it builds from there.  But the demand, command, to do, to act, to exercise, is coming back, and hard.  I love this feeling.  It really is like being stuck in the ocean for a couple of weeks without wind and feeling that first faint breeze.  It's not enough to get sailing again but it feels so absolutely fantastic.  From the cool of it to the easier breath in a breeze to the notion of riding the waves again.  Even if, as with the ship, I am still not moving yet.  It's... probably... coming...  Soon.

I did remember to reschedule the swimming lesson for next week.  Being that I only had email contact, I was sure hoping she checked her email.  She did, very gratefully, and replied.  I have to try to make it back into the pool Wednesday and Friday though.  I have to push, push more, shove, kick, claw.  I have to do this.  Not just for her, or me, or the value of lessons, but because that is who I am.  PUSH!  *remember who you are*  God called, I answered and follow, I have a duty, one which I love.  It requires me to stand up, and I will do so, by God.  He has already given me everything, I just have to use it.  And I mean to use it.

D.C. is so right, those of us who see are pissing our pants over what is coming.  Sometimes I back away from the horsemen and Apocalypse.  I can't know, though, that for sure.  I don't see the signs, not enough of them, not in overwhelming, back to back, massive ways.  Perhaps I expect too much from the portents prophesied?  And yet, if it is not the end times, I do believe the same actors, in a more moderate version of those times, will be filling the stages of the world, taking their places, and doing their things if it is not.  Call it... a dress rehearsal for the big day.  Just as Hitler and Stalin were Nero's and little Beasts, so too are others, perhaps more in time even.  As well, too many Christians remain.  That, at God's behest, can change in an instant, of course, one way or other.  Still, these are cataclysmic times, not to be trifled with.  And, yes, even potential actors should know fear as they take their places, either to control it with prayer, or for the Godless it will drive them to their acts, and destruction.  It is as it must be.  *peeing*

Later.