A little rough, again.

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The increased dose is getting to me finally.  It slowly crept up on me.  The feeling must be like a wildebeest going down under the weight of lions.  I felt the swats of the lions, and an occasional weight from one in this last week.  Now I feel the weight of several and weakness from 'blood loss'.  On the good side, with my new found partner being called in, I don't think I will go all the way down or out as I used to do.  And I think I am nearing the nadir.  At least if my strength holds. 

My function and interactability, as far as the world goes, is pretty much nil.  There is blogging, food when I can find it or when it is brought, assuming I can eat, and accidental stuff that can just happen.  I will try to push through, as well, but that doesn't always work as well as I would want it.  I still think, sometimes, that it is just laziness.  But then I realize, when you feel like you are under several atmospheres, with less than optimal oxygen, and you can't feel much to include hunger, then things aren't normal.  My reactions and actions can't be relied upon.  I have the thermostat set at 80 and can be cold sometimes.  Sleep is more like nothing than restful.  Yeah, not really lazy, I guess.  Though that can play a part, even so!  And I watch for it, fight that all on it's own, if I can.

Even so, this weekend, after this medset is empty, I plan on refilling with the final higher dose.  I think I am close enough, and relatively well enough, to push on through.  The higher dose will keep me down, or tamp me back down if I rise by then, but... I will be over this crush sooner.  I just want to get through this long hard dark tunnel.  Since September, mind you.  My bad, my mistake, a heavy price.  I won't do that again. 

I did, willfully, stall about going back on medicines, as well.  I had reasons, of course, none of which panned out in any case.  So...  But some of my stalling was simple fear as the possible problems with going back on them.  Some of it was a willfulness.  An anger at the costs of taking medicine.  It wasn't just one thing.  I got my cake though, several months without medicine.  It just wasn't any better than not having cake!  There was no dessert to be enjoyed!  Oh well, live and learn.

I am still hoping to get dishes and some laundry started.  Not... right this minute.  I'm a bit rough and tumbled as I wake this morning.  Hmm, feed the girls right away though.  Well, after this post, and in a bit.  An hour or two.  Yeah.  Ugh.  Later.