Hmm, that might be part of it.

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During the haiku contest, I was reminded of high diving escapades.  I know before I scampered up that ladder, and over that edge, I spoke with people who did it regularly.  I was in a swim club and we had high-divers.  They were all older, highschool aged.  They didn't like dealing with "kids" much.  I think I was in 4th grade (but much larger than most).  But if you could approach them on a topic that made them feel superior, they would often spill the beans.  I wanted to know about high diving.  I learned that complimenting them on a particularly good dive, with possible commentary on why the dive was good so as not to seem like a mere fanboy, netted me easier access to their knowledge.  Why go through all that trouble to get information?  Simple.  My curiosity and my fear were in a tussle.

My curiosity was trying to use logic, or some form of it, or simple knowledge, to overcome my fear.  No, I didn't understand it back then.  Even now, sometimes, I don't see what technique is being used in the moment, if there are reasons for even that, which I do understand.  Essentially, when attacking a problem, a dozen methods are employed at a time, perhaps, like keys being tried on an unfamiliar lock.  Which one works, or at least gets the tumblers to tumble a bit... then go with that one, or a group of them, refining on the way, in order to gain access.  Can't know which one will work, so don't know which one is being used rightly until the lock starts to give.

Fear?  Yes.  Many of the things I have done in life, and still do, test the edges of my world.  My native instinct is fear.  Snow shoeing, with a bad heart, in the mountains, in freezing cold?  Well...  It is going to happen.  This year?  Probably, but maybe not.  Medicines are kicking my butt.  But I do have the tools, access to the mountains, and the will.  When the body wakes up, it will find it's way out there.  Could be fatal but it will be fun right up to death.  It's how I roll.  I almost don't have a choice.  And yet, I will have to overcome that native fear, as well.  Urhm, actually, I've already started.... by communicating with someone else who does that, and has been to at least one edge herself. 

The thing is, with diving, with white-water rafting, with climbing, with camping, with high diving... there are... drawbacks.  There is discomfort.  There are moments of sheer terror.  And so it is with much of life.  What I have noted, after thinking about the comments in the haiku thread, and thinking further, is that people don't want to talk about the bad.  Oh, they will give warnings, regarding technique, particular dangers, and some other things.  Often they do this very generally, not in a personal way.  Diving always hurt the top of my head, a little to a lot depending on how high and how often I did it.  And I did learn.  But even then, in the group who did the activity, none ever spoke about the fact that it will always hurt.

My problem, in civil society, is that I do talk about it.  Some do not wish me to tell secrets of the trade.  Some think that makes me weak, or a fool to pursue what can, and does, hurt, even if in pursuit of higher goals and mastery.  For my part, I just don't like leading people astray.  It isn't a brag, nor self-deprecation, to my mind, on my part, to tell the truth.  I merely suggest how I see things, and what my personal experience is or was, and I say it like I see it.  Much as with the risks involved with having a child.  That is as close as a woman gets to death from a natural course of her life.  I won't lie.  I won't say don't worry.  I also won't suggest against it.

I get hit on all sides.  I don't care.  I won't lie, I won't devalue the sacrifices and potential risks, I won't lead anyone astray.  They should know the risks and take them or not.  The rewards, for what has been successful, and some of what wasn't, have been worth the effort.  On the notion of birth?  My mind says no.  But I am no longer just my mind.  With faith?  Bowing to, if not understanding or liking, God's will?  Yes.  But I do have fear.  And I give that to God.  Should the opportunity present itself, I will forge ahead, with snow shoes, on a high dive (or a ridge on a lake), or with marriage and children.  But I won't do it ignorantly.  Ignorance is bliss until it is crippling horror.  Horror is either your friend, known, kept close, or it will rip the soul right out of you and spiral you straight to hell.  Know it, don't have to love it.  Don't let it sneak up on you.

I do understand why some things aren't appreciated.  I simply suggest if things hurt too much, don't play with them.  If you do play with them, understand they are going to hurt.  Then again, if I can be a party to someone's growth, and dealing with pain, I will do that.  Go ahead, yell, scream, rage.  Feel it in your bones, get it out.  I can handle it if I can see why.  I don't even need the particulars, unless you see fit to share.  I won't judge, or even mind, unless you are attacking me.  But I will write what I do.  Bugs ya?  Imagine living it.  No sympathy for the ignorant, but their is empathy for those who have lost some part of the game of life.