Okay, alright, already.

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I love it when I start putting a sentence together and it finishes itself and seems to make a different sense.  The title, it means just what it says.  I do need to start paying attention, though it isn't as if I haven't been trying.  It is simply that my attempts and capacity have been shy of the goal.  I'm not going to fuss about it, too much.  As mentioned in a comment, I am simply redoubling my efforts.  Medicines went down.  Which, while fine, isn't enough.  I need to start tracking my stats, especially with diabetes doing a loop.  I don't ignore family, friends, doctors, as a druther, merely because I can't hear you, or my own sage words.  Hearing is still a bit off, but the shock of what has been deafening me has lifted enough that I can see your hands waving and sort of read your expression and lips a bit.  Yeah, yeah, I'm... back on it.

Why do you think I am so seemingly brutal at times?  When the mind is in shock, while it is trying to do things, the hands can flail about, crashing and bashing in attempt to find pain, as a start back into the real world.  I do understand the frustrations, and occasional violence toward the world, of the deaf, dumb, even simple minded.  Further, I know that, at times, I am falling to my literal death, all the while.  A Houdini, chained in a box, dropped from an airplane.  All I need to do is get out of the shackles, unlock the box, and get to the parachute in time.  I didn't choose the contraption, I didn't take the dare, I'm just another who ended up in the situation.  What wasn't accounted for was how cold it gets at altitude.  I'm... working at it.

Oh, yeah, no.  I don't take your yells and protests personally or such.  I know you are trying to help.  Even those who aren't trying, probably are helping.  Though it can, when I break through the numbness, hurt the ears in some cases.  No worries there.

Today?  I don't know.  I think I missed a dental appointment.  I am going to call and check on that.  I was sure I put it in my phone, on the calendar, but I am not finding it.  I have a niece's b-day coming up.  I have not gotten her a gift or card yet in her life.  This year is different.  I have spent a bit deeply this month, but I think I can do it.  And I have plans for her sister next month.  Each has a preference, my mom, their grandmother, has filled me in on the specs.  I'd still rather get them each a shotgun/rifle (410/22 or such) combo, but where they live they can't have them.  So...  I'll get them something else for now.  When they get older, if I don't have my own kids, they will get pistols, some ammunition, and range costs for a year asap.

I did get a letter written and printed at my friends while I was thinking about why things weren't working.  Sometimes a change of task buys time to consider the problem from a distance and in another, other than direct, state of mind.  I need to find where to send the letter, and get that out.  I have to wonder how many letters I will end up having to send though.  Not that I think it will matter.  The V.A., regardless of who didn't contact them for debt collection, will probably say they don't care and, for them, legally, it doesn't matter.  At which point I will have to begin working on the hospital to release the debt they incurred, through their own laziness, without prejudice, to get my credit report straightened out.  That probably won't happen either.  It's the way of the world.

Hmm... but today, you ask?  Not much, most likely.  I went down right at 22:00.  I set the alarm for 8:00, just as a... last defense, hoping I would wake earlier.  I crawled out, to use the facilities at 4:00 and change, and really thought about getting up.  But I have been pushing it, time wise, so decided to go back to bed.  I reset the alarm for 6:00, since I thought that was doable.  Nope!  I wrestled with the alarm until almost 7:44.  Bleh.  Still, not bad, for as much as I have been pushing things.  Dreams, that last spit of sleep.  Fighting, not war just... pushing and pulling to get what is right.  Still, that is what kept me down so long.  Those dreams can be taxing and demanding.

I will try to figure out a few things.  I have the spray for boxelder bugs, and would like to hit the doorways, and spray around the outside foundation.  And, when the weather is warmer, shoo the girls out just as it gets dark, and spray around the inner perimeter, upstairs, main floor, and even in the basement.  The stuff I used the last time actually worked okay, but didn't last very long.  This stuff is supposed to have a longer effective life.  Well, dishes, garbage, and recycling would be good to kick out, as well.  That's the plan.  Later.