.
.
Getting to bed at 12:30, but not really falling asleep until ~13:00, at best, and with a goal of being up at 16:30? That is pushing it. A good day or two off effort to top it off, and a cool day in which to sleep, with occasional rain, maybe, to add depth to sleep? Yeah. Well, I did hear the alarm, and got up right when I heard it. Thing is, I didn't hear it until 17:30. I was supposed to have dinner there by 18:00. *scramble* No time for a shower, but I did make myself presentable. Then what? What, what, what!?! Couldn't think. Had to think. Ah, order the pizza. Call and tell them I would be late? No, call when I am returning with the pizza. After ordering the pizza I would have some time to... figure out the next steps. Simple enough, tame the hair with a brush, then find a hat, but getting dressed in there too. Then go.
I made it in time. No one had yet gone off, and there was time for all to eat. I settle right down after fomenting a plan, then began to implement it. With a plan, jumbled nerves can be handled. See, that is one of the things I am very good at. Shoot at me, and if mistakenly and we get it settled, I can then have lunch with you. It just doesn't carry over into the rest of my life. It is a moment. And, even in the moment, I merely find the best solution and abide it, then settle right down. I've seen, and personally experienced, enough trauma to know that panic doesn't help. A little shot of adrenalin just goes on to that which permanently, now, flows through my veins along with the slurry of painkillers that is permanently on tap. I can live with whatever I can survive. Mostly.
After that, and getting home, I couldn't remember what was what for today though. Had I planned to work? More importantly, can I do some work? I still don't know. I never woke up, I just acted on adrenalin and with a very limited view to life. I now must wake and figure things out. Hmm... Might get to shining my boots, both pair. And then I might find all my gun cleaning kit, gear, stuff, and get that in one place, and perhaps clean one or two of my pistols tonight, and check my other firearms over the next few days. There might be a bit of this and that as well. Most likely, however, work will be light today, and maybe tomorrow. In any case, I do want to, at least, and tomorrow, head off to the hardware store for parts, and maybe plants for the garden. I'll look for hardier variants of turnips and rutabaga that can handle light firsts frosts, in hopes of pulling some of those in this year. Then, perhaps, look at how they prep, and maybe wax, those, for winter storage.
Lord knows I try. And the Lord knows I'm just barely able, and not always perfectly. But He also seems to give me enough that if I don't quit I can get it done... if humbly and stumblingly. That's how I dance, too. :) You've heard of the dragon school of kung fu, perhaps? Maybe the mantis, tiger, snake? Bet you never heard of the drunk bear school? Well, okay, I am the sole master of that rarefied form of the art, but... now you know my technique. It's special. You don't combine it with others, as you do with weak and strong schools of the martial force. It is already a combination. Though I do know a touch of crazy like a fox and snake in the grass, when need be. Never... mind...
Hmm... but first things first. Slow the flow of adrenalin, or get the affects under control. I have to do that before I can actually wake. High flow or affect is counter to any other function in life, save doing a very limited thing and doing it solid. Then to wake, properly. Then to figure out what can go forward. Yes, a bit of backtracking, then figuring, then, maybe, doing. Wee! But it is fun. Later.
Oddly, this reminded me of what I often do when in social situations. Somehow, along the way, I have learned to defer my social anxiety to some time hours or days afterward. I am learning to be social, mistakes and all, and don't spazz out over them until much later.
ReplyDeleteIt drives Daisycat batty when I gasp and wince seemingly out of nowhere, but at least she understands what it is about now.
That business about you functioning well despite not being awake until after, I mean...
Oh, I could see that. On the social scene, I have to sort of eyeball it and go, but more because being out and about and social is physically taxing. If I had your energy, or you had my social capacity, it would be a male socialite. I really enjoy social events, when I can get to them.
ReplyDeleteIt's great to write and such. And, honestly, I forget sometimes that people do actually read some of the slurry. One of the fringe benefits is when someone says they understand, and puts it in their contexts.
I can see that with you, socially. You dread mistakes, you are still reading "How to Be a Man, of the Sigma Bent", and are keenly aware of what to, and not to, do. Like a new dancer. Whereas I have made more mistakes, and still do, than you will ever even make of all your social moves, and have learned, like music, it is the flow. You have come to that point, but then you go back and review the tapes now. Still... that's a heck of an improvement from where you were.
Tell you the truth, most people can't see a mistake. Even a raw one. Further, if they do, most are quite forgiving if the honey and wine is flowing from all else they are getting from you. What's a stepped on toe when the dance is so beautiful and the music of voice and intent so charming? *dazzle ~ but without that being the aim somehow* Cha-cha-cha!
I would suggest you go ahead and review the 'tapes' but ignore the mistakes, as you might when reading my blog, or an article that otherwise interests you. It's not the spelling, it's what it means to you, and them. Look, instead of for mistakes, for the good parts, then develop those.
ReplyDeleteYoung dancers. *le sighe* Still, you are proving to be a Wunderkind, given when and where you started.
Oh you talkin' about my Cirque Roots girls? Yeah, them and all the new ones I met and chatted with this weekend... :)
ReplyDeleteAs for reviewing the tapes, it's not a conscious decision really. Just sneaks up on me. I think it is funny actually, because it is just shit I need to get out of my system--anxiety that needs an outlet. Some kind of autonomous stress-relieving purge system. Once I'm done "processing", I'm done. "D'oH!" and "Jesus! Help me!" and so on. Then I'm good and I can dive in again.
Oh, wow. Okay. I didn't realize it was that deep. That, I think, will only be fixed by exposure, experience. Wow. And, yeah, just stress from... simply being there. You are pushing it, man. Sometimes I forget. Reminds me of when my cats start chasing, or running from something, in their sleep. No choice.
ReplyDeleteI really do have it easy that way. King, holy man, Miss Universe, the neighbor, little Johny or Sally, an honest hobo, the woman of my dreams... same difference, with a lightly hidden innuendo there. I can talk to any and all, easily. I can even step on toes with smiles all around. A little uncomfortable doing it while in pajamas, by surprise anyway, or out of context, but... if I have no choice, I'll get used to it. :p
I suppose so. I've just gotten used to the arc of the process such that it doesn't worry me. I'm just grateful that I can push off my "social PTSD" into the near future like this.
ReplyDeleteIt does get easier. I had to... relearn some things after... falling ill. Frankenstein monster, that way. He's Alive! (But has no clue about anything.) More with physical contact, and allowances for social interaction due to... paranoia. Broken and mended, and better than ever. Yours seems natural. Though I am beginning to wonder how much natural, and how much conditioned.
ReplyDeleteOh, no worries, I tinker with that wonder on other things concerning myself. Hard cold reckoning, leading to the truth... won't necessarily set you free, but it's good while picking the teeth after a meal while too sated to do much else? :p Self-examination is often interesting, can be useful, but is far too easy to overdo. Blathering, and giggling.
Well, you are well on your way. I am actually amazed you can do that. That's pure will. But I... nothing comes from nothing, so there must have been something there. Even a seed. I had it, lost it, and found it again. Just... odd... Unless you are a secret agent leading a double life with a dual identity? :) Still married, too. Didn't think that was going to turn that way.
I think it is nearly all conditioning. The only difference between the "natural" and those who seem to struggle is the natural introversion or extroversion of the child.
ReplyDeleteThe extrovert gets started practicing what works and doesn't very early on, whereas the deep introvert may become an adult without catching a clue how to interact with his fellow humans.
Maybe. I just think that what seems to be native to a child might not be as much as it seems. And what seems ingrained might not quite be that, either. While I don't believe in random fate any more than I believe in evolution as it is presented, I do believe in a knowing fate... but choice as well. Even as little ones, if we choose, we can create part of our world, including ourselves.
ReplyDeleteMy curiosity... wanderlust, your introversion... difficult to say. Even seeing or hearing a story, one we have long forgotten, or seeing a man we wanted to grow up to be like... As to seed stock for your ability to transform? Perhaps a second man, not your primary perhaps, who impressed you.
It might all be simple, or it might all be so complex it is incomprehensible, though I suspect a bit of both. But records are lost, even to ourselves, for the simple parts.
Remember those problems in calculus, or diffy q, that were seemingly impossible. But when given the answer, and if you had those down okay you could sniff it out and then it made absolute sense? You wondered how could have missed it, or worked so hard? Like that. Only, we don't have the calculus of the human mind, let alone the answers. Or should that be the other way around. Through a glass darkly. And I think it gets seriously into God country (not the officer's quarters on surface ships, either. :p )
Sitting and s*itting while reading a bit of Rollo Tomassi's book, I realized how very blithely clueless I sometimes must appear.
ReplyDeleteLast night I gathered my hoop troop at a downtown spot that we were sharing with a group of local burners on this particular evening. On my way out later in the evening, I stopped by to chat with one particularly lithe young blondie who arrived late and had just the previous day joined our group. I gave her a fist bump and teased her a bit about only owning one hoop.
She had been chatting with two guys from the burner group who were almost literally sitting on the edge of their seats. I introduced myself to the one of the two I hadn't met, had my little interaction with her, and left.
Now I've known her for a while from the circus and also via Facebook. While pretty, she is a single mother of a two-year old boy, tends toward sarcasm and a somewhat dark outlook, gives overt signs of being desperate for attention while actively repelling the attention of most guys. So I know here to be a normal (that is, deeply flawed) woman who is of passing interest to me only for her youth and beauty but nothing further.
It did not occur to me until just moments ago how the whole scene must have appeared to the crowd.
On the one hand this delayed reaction helps me keep a level head during social situations, but on the other hand I am completely and utterly missing things that could be actionable at the moment.
Relax. Seriously. Just enjoy, do what you want reasonably, take your time. Play, work, teach, learn, interact, and don't worry about anything. If you miss an opportunity at something... most likely it won't disappear. If it does, learn to hone in next time, at the next opportunity. Don't worry how it looks. It was a mildly strong move. With the bonus (that I usually forfeited because I really didn't give a...) of introductions with one of the suitors in waiting. Good to be the older, more confident, bull. Moo-ve over. :)
ReplyDeleteI might be missing the point(s), but I doubt it. I'm telling you, from watching you work, you are doing it right for your style. Perhaps your goals have changed though. Even so, you are doing it correctly for who you are.
Yeah no, you got what I'm getting at. Not worrying at all really, just that I had no idea the (appearance of) the strength of my position.
ReplyDeleteThat right there is actionable information, if I had something I wanted to leverage. The thing is, it leaves me wondering what other polar bears I'm missing in the blizzard...
Ah! Good. I mean, I am glad that I saw.
ReplyDeleteTruth is, don't worry about appearances, even so. Don't worry about your swagger, it'll advertise for you. This is the part that is best left alone. Ever see a woman who is beautiful? Right. Now have you ever seen a woman, beautiful or not, trying to play that up? Yeah. Kills it. Same with swagger. Better if just natural.
Now, I understand your point and need/want to know. Really? I think every guy who goes into that area goes through the same thing. Don't worry about it too much. Things will come back to you, good or bad. Let your conscious, and unconscious, mind, immediate and in time, plus feedback from others, sort of work it through. Which... is exactly what you are saying you are doing. As I said. Don't worry about it.
lmao
Just be honest, even if you are wrong and know it, if that is your choice. Yeah, sounds bad. Being a man isn't easy or cities would be full of them. :p