When the time comes.

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I gave my body and mind time to work out whatever is wrong.  As wild beasts, they must be given some room to be what they are.  But they are not choosing to simply get it out of their system, they are seemingly choosing to try to make what is a systemic norm.  I won't allow it.  So, over this weekend, I will be using sticks and carrots, whips and graces, push and pull, to bring my aspects back together and put them into alignment with my will and goals.  Sometimes I really have to let these things go.  Much as parents with children.  There simply comes a point where that is not working and a... change is in order.  That time has come.

I doubt if some can see the difference, from the outside.  On the inside, however, I know the difference the way a concert pianist knows his mistakes even if those listening do not.  It isn't just about how I interact with the world, though there is that.  It is how I am working inside.  I am sure health is part of the problem.  It isn't the problem, though.  Health issues are more like the pebbles one can't seem to keep out of the shoes, and just a little too small of a water supply, on a long footbound journey.  It is a distraction.  Sometimes it is good to be distracted, sometimes it prevents... solutions, options, or opportunities, from being seen when they might otherwise be seen and utilized.  No, Johny really isn't a normal little boy.

Waiting.  I have... things to do, perhaps, even yet.  Late might be the hour.  God has quickened me, here, in this flesh, before.  He may do it again, if the time comes.  Doc's doubt, and I suppose they should.  As do others.  Even I have some doubts.  But I have felt the wounds, I have seen the deaths, and I look at myself in the mirror often enough to know.  I am here.  I couldn't be.  I suppose, though to, I will only be called if the time comes.  Until then, I must live in a mothballed status, and keep the trim, some parts functioning, and balance.  So... I will do what I must to right my ship.  The current status is unacceptable.

A few hours to wake.  A bit of coffee.  Then I begin laying out the plans to revitalize my existence and put much back into specs.  It's a man's man job.  It means waking the dead, controlling the beast, outwitting a brilliant but recalcitrant psyche, and doing what must be done over what is.  Urhm, it is going to hurt.  Though... you know me and pain.  Love me some good old fire and chaos of the senses.  So, hi ho, hi ho, into battle I will go.  Later.